Original subtitles

AT ONCE: Hey! So, basically... THEY LAUGH

UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC OK, so our Ancient History teacher,

Miss Stanthorpe, isn't like other teachers.

She even took us on a school trip to visit the Brodcombe Bog Man.

Brodcombe Bog Man is a 3000-year-old naturally mummified body found

in a peat bog near our school.

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCH MUSIC STOPS

He's in a glass box, he has a ponytail

and he's all shrivelled up.

MUFFLED HOWL

Ms Stanthorpe is the Bog Man expert.

She's really into him.

Like, you can tell she doesn't really have a life

outside of school.

She has... nothing else going on.

INDIE GUITAR MUSIC Oh, my God.

We literally cried when we found out that when she was our age,

nobody wanted to take her to the prom.

So she just stayed at home and read her book.

So sad!

? A grown-up sad woman... ?

We love you, Miss S!

Please help us make a movie about our favourite teacher.

All about her going to the prom with the love of her life...

...the Bog Man.

That would be such an amazing movie.

BOTH: Thank you. Bye!

THEY GIGGLE

This is what I like to see, young people who want

to make a difference.

And they're both... And I'm still talking.

The last year of high school can be tough.

Tara and Yolanda are probably dealing with stacks of homework,

going to big parties.

They're probably baby-sitting as well.

Or working at a kiosk.

Honestly, I could imagine them making smoothies, seriously.

And they've gone out of their way to help

this poor Stanthorpian teacher.

You know, Miss Stanthorpe actually has a PhD

in Neolithic wetland studies.

She's technically a doctor.

Oh. Get her to look at my groin.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Kishmetikaaa!

As my team brushed off the history books,

they couldn't help taking a stroll down memory lane.

As soon as the bell rang, my sisters and I would run

all the way to the Cortesanos.

The what?

This gorgeous Art Deco cinema that my parents did up

and we all worked there, and I helped paint the sign,

and it's probably my happiest memory.

Can't say I had much in the way of a childhood, personally.

That one.

Oh, what, cos you got kidnapped?

Uh-huh.

I was captured by the militia when I was a baby

and held hostage until my 19th birthday.

I was mainly tied up to a chair and tortured.

Oh... Too bad.

We did get to make a lot of ransom videos, though.

I guess that's sort of how I got into the biz.

Ugh. "The biz"?

Yeah, I hate it when people say, "the biz".

I'd avoid telling people that entire story, if I were you.

So secret. Keep it a secret.

You are on very thin ice.

We arrived at Brodcombe High

and gave our superstar teacher the good news.

She was flabbergasted.

GIGGLING BOTH: Thank you. Bye!

I don't understand.

I'd never talk about my personal life in front of students.

How do they know I didn't go to the prom?

I've never told anyone that.

They must really care about you.

These are good girls.

While I congratulated Miss Stanthorpe's hand,

Principal Edwards led Winnie and Pat on a location scout.

This is the auditorium.

Echo!

I love it in here.

Tell you what, normally I have, like, 500 people in here, min.

I would have loved for you guys to see one of my assemblies.

Ssshhh!

HUSHED VOICE: Yeah. Yeah, I know.

You're, like, the one for m... Oh.

Oh, really?!

Eamon, what are you doing?

I should give you guys detention. Go on, back to class.

Off you pop.

Honestly!

HE SIGHS

That is really shocking, you know?

I thought Eamon Bergers was still going with Yolanda Jansen.

What's he doing with Tara Simmons?!

I'm really behind on the goss.

What the fuck?

They've got boys and girls here.

Yeah, well, most places are mixed now, Winnie.

You don't say. Wow.

I went to a four-boys school.

An all-boys school?

No, no, no. This was an experiment in extreme discipline.

Just four boys and 100 teachers.

That's mental.

I think I actually heard about that. Were you a boarder?

Oh, God, no!

I was just a day boy.

Oh, that poor night boy.

Right, shall I show you the cafeteria?

OK.

I'm surprised you can't see what's happened here.

I took the class on a trip to the Brodcombe Exhibition Centre

to view the remains we've been discussing all term.

I actually split Yolanda and Tara up.

They were being highly disruptive.

They might be Aspergian.

They said I wanted to suck off the Bog Man.

Oh, I doubt that!

Look, they obviously just need some guidance.

May I be bold?

Fortune favours the bold.

No offence, none taken. These girls need a father figure.

Hey, everyone, leftover chocolate mousses...

Oh, yeah! ..from the dinner lady.

We'll need to be quick. These can go off at ANY minute.

Look, this whole project is inappropriate.

We have a set curriculum.

Huh! This says that the Brodcombe Bog Man

was found holding a ruin covered in undeciphered symbols.

I thought that they represented the breeding... Mmm!

JESS AND MISS STANTHORPE TOGETHER: ...and menstrual cycles of

the local deer population.

It's a popular theory.

I'm impressed.

You know, above all else, this film will be totally

historically accurate.

Kishmetikaaa!

That, of course, means "greetings".

I've been chosen to be the film's official linguist.

And I'll be meticulously recreating an authentic Bog Man talking style.

Oh.

Did you see Gorlov's latest paper

on the Pheno-euretic phonetic alphabet?

I see many things.

Oh.

Brilliant. Can't wait!

Edwards? Yes, boss!

Where are my girlies?

We need to talk casting ASAP.

Also, do you have any spare clothes?

Someone has had an accident.

Clumsy.

They didn't have anything in purple.

Just to reiterate, Sebastian's mum and dad bankroll

our entire operation out of guilt.

He's not very easy to be around, but for the moment

we are stuck with him.

I made sure all lessons were cancelled for the day

as we held mandatory auditions for the heart-throb

at the centre of our teen drama...

LAUGHTER ...the Bog Man.

Oh, that is such a cool clip.

You've got to send me that clip!

Let's see Rhys Trundle.

Hi, Rhys.

You bring me back to life.

But me no understand... modern world.

Remember last year when the fire alarm made him shit himself?

Really? It did not!

Oh, thanks, Rhys. I think we've seen enough

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

You must really miss your girlfriend?

I not have girlfriend.

Me have wife.

Bog wife.

I know his cousin.

She told me he has epilepsy.

That's disgusting!

Thanks, Tim!

I hear the circus is in town!

OK, what is thi...

Sorry, what is this?

The Insane Party Starters?

TECHNO MUSIC

? Go, go, go, go in hard

? Go, go, go, go, go, go

? Go, go, go, go in hard... ? Joke audition. Joke audition!

Sebastian, who are these guys?

? Go, go, go, go in ha... ? JESS TURNS OFF MUSIC

I hesitate to ask how your bog dialect is coming along.

LAUGHTER

They're funny!

Eamon Bergers.

Strong name.

Eamon! Hi.

Ooh...

HE STARTS TO STRUM

? Everyone's rushing, losing their minds

? I'm just watching, taking my time

? Newspapers, skyscrapers

? Blank faces

? Sweet baby princess

? Daughter of the Queen

? I got a pure, a pure connection... ?

HE WHISTLES

Eamon, what's up?!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Eamon totally got our juices flowing.

Can you believe his song was an original?

Time to throw on my captain's hat.

I've found a dreamboat!

You know, I was thinking about writing your name on my penis.

Don't you dare!

Isn't that, uh...

INDISTINCT CHATTER

And wasn't he with... Yeah.

I didn't know you played it! That was really great.

You know, early hunters actually relied on whistling

as a form of communication.

Is that right?

Yeah.

We know your secret.

OMINOUS MUSIC

What did she say to you?

Nothing. She said she... She says she likes my head.

I feel like I'm back at school. They're bullies.

Pat, they're the talent.

WHISPERING: Stop.

Well, looks like we found our bog body,

and what a body!

Yolanda, how would you feel about playing his throbbing love interest,

the young Gertrude Stanthorpe?

Erm, I was wondering if I could read for that part.

Excuse me? It's my part.

But you didn't even audition.

Erm, Tara, you're being kind of dodgy.

Yeah. TARA SCOFFS

Just you're being a little bit dodgy. And hold on a second!

Tara, I have something else for you. I do.

Another part.

Really important, equal billing.

What?

I'd like you to play...

...Daniella Rachella St Claire.

So Daniella Rachella St Claire is a stock character that

I always have in my back pocket whenever someone feels like

they're being left out,

or when I'm accused of not having enough strong female characters.

We've used her three or four times.

Sam?

Sam, we're gonna have to lose these.

They're friendship necklaces.

Pat, are you sure?

SHE SHOUTS: Sorry, did you not want usable audio?

Guys, grow up!

That can permanently kill someone.

THE GIGGLE

Hundreds of people die from blazers every day.

MELANCHOLIC PIANO MUSIC

Gertrude?

Are you OK?

Are you talking to me?

I didn't think you knew I existed.

You live with your inbred family in that ramshackle hut

next to the bog.

This is gonna sound hella random,

but I've been having these...

...visions.

Why have you been texting Eamon?

I just said I liked his song. I was being nice.

You're fucking dead, bitch. Oh, I'm fucking dead? Yeah, you are!

Oh, really? Dead, bitch, yeah! Come for my boyfriend again...

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER Break it up, break it up!

What's all this about?

She's trying to steal my boyfriend.

Is that true?

He's just a guy!

Listen, it's OK to be boy-crazy,

but I'm begging you, don't be boy-delusional.

Never talk to me, ever again.

You don't mean that, cupcake!

She doesn't mean that - it's OK... Oh...

What WAS that? Was it something I did?

It's a minefield of young love.

This morning, we caught Eamon and Tara having sex.

They were just kissing.

A steamy love triangle.

Stolen kisses, forbidden glances.

Oh, I hate drama so much!

Would it be worth getting the school counsellor involved?

I used to go to Shelley all of the time.

It can be really good to talk to someone.

Nope.

The only one thing for it, the bog.

Trust me, it has healing qualities.

Winnie's right.

We will need to stay overnight upon the bog.

If it can preserve a bloke...

...it can salvage a friendship!

Wah!

Have you ever been to a bog?

T-text in.

As night fell, we gathered around the campfire to bond

and learn and share,

but I sensed the girls were still squabbling.

I needed the bog to work its otherworldly magic, ASAP.

...but he wasn't related to the skeleton because...

...he was a skeleton.! YOLANDA SCREAMS

SHE SOBS

OK, it's getting pretty late.

Yeah, should probably hit the sack.

Big day tomorrow, everyone.

Yo, S-dog?

Can we stay up a little longer?

Oh, yeah. No problem.

As long as you promise to have an unforgettable night.

Yes! Yes!

The next morning I was eager to start shooting.

We'd fallen a little behind schedule

waiting for our starlets to emerge from their slumber.

Good morning, sleepyheads!

Can you not?

Don't bite my head off. I'm not a gingerbread man.

I've got to show you where we're filming this first scene.

Come on. You're gonna love it.

While I led Tara and Yolanda down to set,

Jess applied Eamon's prosthetics.

So would the Bog Man have had, like, multiple partners?

Mm... Well, this was long before we adopted sedentary communities.

The dimorphism amongst mobile tribes would suggest,

like, a chieftain-like role,

who would have appointed dozens of concubines.

So, yeah.

HE CHUCKLES What's up?!

I've got a question.

So I know it was a long time ago,

but do you think your parents have ever forgiven you?

You know, after you destroyed their cinema.

OMINOUS MUSIC

What was it called again?

The Cortesanos!

Oh, no! Oh!

AFFECTS SPANISH ACCENT: Oh, you ruined it!

THEY LAUGH

I, um... I think I'm going to go and get inside of my bag because

I think I maybe dropped it... DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

Hey!

Oh, you look so cute.

I don't know how many times I've warned my team not

to let their personal lives impact the job.

So I was a little disappointed to see Jess letting her past

come back to haunt her.

Then I went to go make myself a slush puppy.

And I used to always make myself a slush puppy.

And then... And then I heard this noise,

and it was our projectionist, Luis.

And he had sprained his ankle, when he was climbing

down the ladder.

So then I went up to the side and I took down the letters and...

...then then I locked the door,

and I-I just forgot about the machine!

And in the morning, the whole place was slushed out.

Slush, up to the ceiling, everywhere.

It was everywhere.

And it was so sticky!

People kept saying, "It's too sticky here."

And it was all my fault!

It is the final straw. I'm cracking skulls.

Pat, you will stand down.

I'm not giving up on these girls.

Look, they're besties again!

How I have missed those smiles.

And may I ask where the hell you've been?

Well, um, last night, Yolanda sent us out

to buy some Booker's.

Guess she found out about my fake ID.

Your real ID.

You've been out all night?

He told us he likes you.

No, I didn't!

I told you that in confidence!

Anyway, we got kind of lost last night,

and I think we found another one.

Another?

Bog body. Follow me.

Why is he wearing headphones?

Yeah, no, they didn't have headphones in Neolithic times.

Sebastian, you drop kick!

This guy's fallen down and whacked his head on that rock.

This is a freshie.

Nothing to see here, mate. Move on, move on!

An ancient bog body is a discovery.

This is far too modern.

This is a problem.

This guy is actually dead, Sebastian.

Oh, I put my hand in his mouth.

So...

HE GRUNTS INDECIPHERABLY

Urgh-shuurghh...

Urgh, guuurghhhh... Guurghh!

Well, at least he's been practising the bog language.

WHOOSHING

My girlies!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING They're absolutely bonkers.

Fight, fight, fight!

No!

No, no!

Girls!

This isn't you.

This isn't us.

Take a deep breath.

Have some screen time.

We have to shoot while we've got this soft light.

Shut up about your stupid movie!

Hey!

I heard that.

We did the whole thing as a joke.

You're a loser.

And we know you got a stiffy doing the bleep test.

Oh, you foolish girls.

The last thing you want to do is get on the wrong side of our Pat.

Basically, she explained to Tara and Yolanda that

if they didn't keep a lid on the bickering

she'd frame them for murder.

She's got a real knack for planting evidence

and stitching together audio to sound like a confession.

She's done it before and she'll do it again.

With everyone on the same page, I could finally do what I do best,

weaving a prepubescent love story.

Mm! Full house. Yeah.

So how was camp? Any hook-ups?

I heard Sebastian might have a little thing for Jess.

OK, everyone, I know it's not a rainy day,

but who wants to chuck on a movie?!

THEY CHEER

Well, just remember, when it's over we need to knuckle down

because there is an exam on Monday.

Oh, boo! CLASS GROANS

Ah, don't worry - you'll ace it after you see this.

OK, I need two strong boys to get the TV.

Let's go Vincent and, um...

Eamon, what happened to your face?

I think my skin had a bad reaction to the prosthetics.

Oh, dear.

I come here whenever I feel low.

Or to sit and pray for my ovarian cysts to go away

so I don't have to do IVF.

Daniella Rachella St Claire,

are you having one of your waking visions?

TWANGY UPBEAT GUITAR RIFF

Wow.

He's gorgeous.

HE GRUNTS WEAKLY

Ah, ah!

BOG MAN SIGHS Oh, he misses Pangaea!

So, Bog Man, how old are you?

HE GASPS Ah...

TRANSLATION:

That's my prom dress.

Dad says it's too revealing.

You've never heard of prom?

SHE GASPS

Girls, girls, girls.

Now, I've been pretty lenient already,

and the PTA are right up my arse.

Now, I already let you do Battle of the Bands.

But prom?

How old is this guy?

BOG MAN GRUNTS

Ah!

Oh, that's a four-colour pen. Ah.

Now, IF - and that's a big if, mister -

if I let you go to the prom,

the question is, who are you going to take?

Daniella Rachela...

...St Claire.

Excellent choice.

I'll just put that into the system.

SLOW POP BALLAD INDISTINCT CHATTER

Do you believe in the concept of...

...soulmates?

MUSIC

There they are!

Hey, Bog Man, I did some research.

Gertrude?

She's 16 and he's 3,000 years old!

It's an inappropriate age gap.

TRANSLATION:

And we're having a baby.

ALL: Awww!

? Summer night feelings, summer night feelings... ?

You have a unique style.

And you can finally be free.

The exhibition centre have already been in touch.

They want to play it on a constant loop.

Miss S...

...we just wanted to say that you're really intelligent.

You're a really good teacher.

And we made you this.

That's very thoughtful, girls.

Thanks, girls.

Pat, I'm in awe of you.

Didn't I ask you to get me a Coke?

Now, I think Breanna has something she wants to say.

On behalf of everyone at Brodcombe High,

we would like to thank you for coming to our school

and dazzling us with movie magic.

? Everyone's rushing, losing their minds

? I'm just watching, taking my time

? Newspapers, skyscrapers

? Blank faces, blank faces

? Sweet baby princess

? Daughter of the Queen

? We've got a pure, a pure connection... ?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0