Original subtitles

Action.

Welcome to Smiling Spring Care Home.

We may not look like spring chickens,

but this place is all go-go-go.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Hello.

ALARM

And what really makes it special?

The people.

We've been meeting on Tuesdays. We organise a selection of fun snacks

and we've been whipping up our very own movie idea.

Just imagine the look on my family's faces

when they sit down to watch a movie that Gran came up with.

How about a movie about a group of retirees who are sick

of all these awful online scammers?

So they go inside the computer

and defeat them once and for all.

This video was filmed on the iPad.

ALL: We want you to help us.

Wow. They are so much fun.

I just want to squeeze them.

You know, I actually get along better with old people.

We just have this connection. They love me.

Ooh, that'll come in handy. They don't seem very tech savvy.

I'll have to introduce them to Superbreast.

What? My interactive OS.

Hello, Sebastian.

Are you feeling better? Is that your girlfriend?

No, we're just mates. Completely platonic relationship.

I think we might keep Superbreast on the down low,

if that's all right.

Enjoy the rest of your birthday, Sebastian.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

VOICEOVER: We arrived at Smiling Spring,

eager to aid the plight of these overlooked senior citizens.

First we met with the home's director, Mrs Livingstone.

So this isn't a documentary about what we're feeding them, is it?

No. It's more of a dystopian sci-fi satire.

Great.

It must disgust you the way

our society has turned its back on our ancestors.

They're still so vital. They deserve respect.

Right. Can I just warn you? They do tend to take the piss.

So I recommend using a firm hand.

I'm not sure that'll be necessary.

The last thing we want to do is disturb their delicate ecosystem.

Well, I'd be careful. I'll be ducking in and out trying

to get the money back from this Swiss company.

Can you believe they sent us the CRX 0054?

What's that? Tanning bed.

I ordered the CRX 0056.

Euthanasia pod.

Oh. I'm going to be the combat

specialist choreographing most of the battle scenes, so, yeah.

OK, that sounds fun. Yeah, well,

considering some of the futuristic weapons I've been devising...

I have to take a nap.

Again?

I've never really thought about getting old.

I suppose I'll learn about wine and coins and shit like that.

Winnie, you're already old.

Older. Old-er.

I overheard Sam say that when we finish here,

we'll probably leave you to live forever.

Horseshit.

It's an above-ground cemetery.

VOICEOVER: The residents were taking their weekly aqua aerobics class.

Little did they know, their lives were about to change.

They didn't have a clue that I was lurking beneath them,

swimming betwixt their legs.

Believe me, I didn't touch her!

You know, when I go to see a film,

I often close my eyes for the entire duration.

Huh?

The sound is everything.

You've got a different towel than everyone else.

I enjoy the finer things. I had it monogrammed.

Y...Z.

Powerful initials.

Right up the back of the alphabet.

Right up the back.

Yardley.

Pat.

What does the Z stand for?

Zelensky. No relation.

SAM: Trust Pat to get involved with the home's wealthy Casanova

on day one. I was busy getting to know Sybil.

What a woman.

You know the idea was inspired by true events?

You're joking.

No! I actually was the victim of a computer scam.

My family thought I was losing it

and said I'd better come and live here.

I had no clue. Thank you for sharing that.

Oh.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, Nana Banana,

please don't ever fall over onto some tiles.

Do you want something warm? Maybe you want a brooch.

I can get you that.

No, no, you're hurting me. OK. Jess!

Maybe do a lap, yeah?

Cool off. Yeah.

So all of our families are coming to watch the movie. Uh-huh.

That's right, isn't it? Yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

What battle experience do you have?

I boxed at Repton Hall.

I fought Honey Jeff Timmerman.

I'll be teaching a much more exciting style than that.

We'll get you up on your feet in a second.

You'll be wielding plasma daggers, naturally.

Are you new?

What room are you in?

I don't go here. I'm with the film crew.

That's Bud. He's been here the longest out of anyone.

He looks majorly angry.

We shut down his book club to focus on the movie idea.

He didn't take it so well.

You must be the big shot director.

No, no, no, I'm... You think you're better than us?

Watch yourself.

I'll send you into orbit.

HE SPITS

Note to self - that was awkward.

Oh, Sam, you are a gas.

The storm was raging.

Waves the size of skyscrapers crashing down.

We nearly died.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry - roommate.

I'm decent.

You all right, Bud?

I'd love to see your boat sometime.

I'll bet you would.

What was that?

She's got dollar signs in her eyes, mate.

SAM: This bud fellow was turning out to be a real headache.

Thankfully, the other residents were fully on board

and ready to turn over.

? Empty playgrounds

? Churches closing down

? What's happened to our children?

? What's happened to our town?

? How could this little grey box cause so much misery?

? You're forgetting, little grey box

? I still have fight in me... ?

And me too.

We're coming with you.

Me also.

ALL: # We're going inside the computer

? We're going inside the computer. ?

I'm the Digital Bastard.

Welcome to my online wasteland.

? Crash the market Too much news

? Graphic content that isn't true

? One wrong click Scotland Yard

? Hurts to type Credit card

? Take your money Steal your house

? Turn your grandson upside down. ?

He doesn't look like that. And we won't stop until

we have corrupted every first-born in England. Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha...

Cut! OK, that was kind of incredible.

I felt an actual shiver go down my spine. I'm not joking.

Have all the invites gone out for the big premiere

to all our families?

Families, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can sort it out.

Jess. Oh, that was so good.

The scammers looked so frightening. I made you some brownies.

Do you want one? Perhaps later. Have one now.

Early bird gets the worm.

I'm just going to borrow her for a second.

WHISPERS THROUGH MIC: Ooh, baby.

You're looking sexy.

Ooh, I want you.

Ooh, cappuccino.

I'm just going to jump into my thermals. It's too cold in here.

You dirty little monkey.

You're playing him, aren't you?

Oi. Get off! You ticked off Bud.

He's looking to set a fight with you.

Now, this is serious.

Tell him it's on.

Hang on a second.

He'll fight.

Good on you, Pat.

What have you done that for?

Well, it'll be good to get Bud out of the picture... for everyone.

I'm not a fighter. Well...

Yo, yo, yo. I may be of some assistance.

I'm going to turn you into a killing machine.

Business card.

You are bombing!

I've received a slew of complaints.

What? Have you been doing makeovers?

Humphrey told me you pierced his navel when he was sleeping.

I don't think so.

Jess, am I going to have to let you go?

What? Get it together.

Yeah.

VOICEOVER: The next morning we regrouped for a warmish breakfast.

An army marches on its stomach.

Oh, by the way, your son RSVP'd last night.

He and Denise are coming to the screening.

Oh, that's wonderful news.

Don't smooch the messenger.

We got a lot to squeeze in today.

You triple morph the Scamquidos to Catholicism.

We may be able to do a bit of that, sure.

I was hoping we could do a lot of that.

Well, there may be a schedule clash, Sammy.

We've got gardening today and then backgammon at noon.

And then we do Zumba.

And then we sit down and listen to our radio programmes.

Oh, I'm afraid that will all have to be postponed.

Absolutely not.

I couldn't learn my lines last night.

I couldn't focus.

I was yearning for you.

When did you last update your will?

I'm always making pertinent adjustments.

We must be alone together.

If only I didn't have bitter old Bud as a roommate.

I'm working on it.

Are you sure I'm only allowed to eat hash browns?

The outcome of this fight depends on it.

This shape is important.

PHONE RINGS

IN SPANISH:

LINE DISCONNECTS

? I see the light

? I filled my cup

? My ship has sailed

? My time is up

? Farewell and goodbye. ?

Now go quickly before the grooming gang recharge their quantum blaster.

Oh.

We'll miss you, Sybil.

And cut.

It's not too bad.

I feel like we're losing some of that energy.

It was fine.

Let's go from the top. Let's move on.

Look, just give us a bit of a breather, if you don't mind.

I'm tired.

When the phone's on 2%, you can still use all the apps.

My apps went all big on me. Let's take five.

I'm worried their commitment is waning.

That euthanasia part sounds pretty good to me right now.

Jess.

I want to die. No!

Oh, I need you to win this fight. I've got a lot riding on it.

I need to focus on Sebastian's fatal finishing move.

Remind me what that is again.

Where you jump in the air and punch them with both fists

and kick them with both feet all at the same time.

Pioneered by the Aztecs.

Sebastian, get over here.

What up?

Have you ever been in a fight?

Define for me what you mean.

Have you ever been in a physical fight?

Depends on the parameters... Have you?

Not technically. Winnie, I'll be taking over your training.

He's my protege. You're sacked.

You're going to need a change.

Sybil, I think you're right.

Let's move on to the battle of Cyberloo.

I think we're done here for the day, Sammy, we've got a lot on.

Yeah, about that...

Surely you've got enough footage from yesterday.

Besides, when all the relatives arrive,

they'll probably only want to watch a little snippet,

and then we can all catch up properly.

You don't care, do you?

You don't care about this movie at all.

You just want to see your family.

This whole time you lied to me.

Did you even get scammed? Of course!

If that Jeremy Corbyn can't handle a couple of death threats,

what's he doing putting his email address on his website?

That's what you think getting scammed is?

Try not to scrunch up your nose, darling.

It makes you look like a rat.

VOICEOVER: Honestly, I felt like I'd been scammed.

Sybil's confession took a real toll on the team.

We have to get as far away from these people as we can.

There's a darkness there.

Yeah, let's head off.

Yeah, we'll give it a try.

Old people have no honour whatsoever.

Steady on. I vote that we stay.

We've still got a lot we could learn from them.

Please. We all know what you're after.

SUPERBREAST: I have to agree with Pat here.

Superbreast, you don't get it.

Sorry, but I did a little bit of research.

All of the dominant civilisations throughout history

have a deep reverence for their elders.

Sam, I know you feel hurt,

but you can't expect everyone here to have the same passion

and understanding of the film-making process as you.

When they see the movie, it will all become clear to them.

Don't give up. Let them see it.

Make them see it.

Superbreast, I needed that.

Sam, you must hear this a lot, but I'm a big fan.

Oh, yeah? I'd love to pick your brain...

Let's get to work, I reckon.

I've seen the Sainsbury's Trilogy six times.

I think she's got a virus. Stop hogging it.

ALL: # It was a very old bridge A very old bridge

? A very old bridge indeed

? A very big oval Very big oval, very big oval seed

? It was a very long walk A very long walk... ?

Turn off that crap!

Everyone against the wall! You heard me.

Everyone stand against the fucking wall now!

A few of you seem to have forgotten who calls the shots around here.

Now, your precious families will be here tomorrow,

and I want to make them proud.

I know you have a blockbuster inside of you.

I'm going to rip it out. Is that understood?

Is that understood?

No more breaks, no more Zumba!

Can I just ask a quick question?

No, you may noooooooot!

THEY SHOUT MOCK MILITARY ORDERS

They just needed a bit of encouragement, really.

Someone to believe in them. Besides, the megabyte tarantuloid

and her digi-eggs weren't exactly going to vanquish themselves.

Oh, I don't think we've ever had this many visitors.

What a treat. So how about a huge round of applause

for our fantastic residents for doing this movie project?

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Enough.

No talking, no coughing, no diabetes, no fidgeting.

I'm looking at you, Smalley.

Mate.

Thank you. Roll the tape.

? Empty playgrounds

? Churches closing down... ?

We can leave as soon as this shit is over. 100%.

? What happened to our... ?

LASER BLASTS

? I filled my cup

? My ship has sailed

? My time is up

? Farewell and goodbye. ?

I'll miss you, Sybil. She was who she was

and you knew where you were with her.

OK, so that's the interval now.

Don't forget to go to the toilet and we'll see you in 15...

Oh, hold on. Change of plans.

We have organised half-time entertainment.

Some of the guys are going to have a fight.

CLAMOUR

There you have it.

My last will and testament.

Managed to squeeze you in.

Yardley, it's a very long list of beneficiaries.

I have a weakness for powerful women.

What is it, every woman you've ever met?

Oh, so I only get 40 quid.

Why is Superbreast on here?

I swear on my life, we're only friends.

THEY LAUGH

INCREASED LAUGHTER

JOINS IN LAUGHTER

Yeah, we did it. They're all dead.

It really makes you think about what's important.

This film is dedicated to anyone who's had a bad experience online.

ALL: # Spend some time considering what we've done

? We breached the online citadel And took out the evil scum

? Spend some time. ?

The film was a beautiful triumph, but the residents of Smiling Spring

had failed to instil their offspring with suitable attention spans.

Glued to the wrong kind of screen.

We need to make conscription mandatory.

Hey, pay attention.

Even Jess seemed distracted.

I should probably give her more credit.

Ultimately, she was the only one who truly understood

the secret message at the heart of our movie.

? Spend some time. ?

It's not easy, it's not convenient, but it's worthwhile.

If you are related to someone,

you need to make the effort to speak to them

before they go up to heaven.

? Spend some time

? Spend some time. ?

I've never had a raisin just by itself.

Just always part of a cake.

Even though they hated your guts, you still helped them.

Nobody wants to feel unloved.

You see the best in people. It's a very commendable trait.

Yeah, it is. That's right. You have a kind heart.

Guys, let's make a pact. We never work with old people again.

Amen.

Thanks for watching. Have a great weekend.

? It was a very old bridge A very old bridge

? A very old bridge indeed

? A very big oval, very big oval

? Very big oval seed

? It was a very old bridge A very old bridge

? A very old bridge indeed

? A very big oval, very big oval Very big oval seed

? It was a very long walk A very long walk... ?

SAM: Turn off that crap!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0