Original subtitles

My name is Mick,

Mick Hall,

and I live here in Sherborne Dale.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

I've been working at the print shop for a long time now.

My dad ran it before.

Now Gordon and Amy are in charge.

OK. Well, just pop in at 11.

We get along great.

This is my bestie Isaac.

He's a bit of a lad.

We dream of co-owning a car.

Still living with Mum at the moment...

...but, you know, I try to keep busy.

Love my drinks.

And, yeah, I've never told anyone this,

but I have an idea for a movie. VOICE ECHOES

What if there was a movie about

a man and a woman who could turn into snakes,

but only one of them is a snake at a time.

They're never together as two humans or as two snakes.

One of them is always a snake and they just swap around.

What do you reckon? Let's make that movie.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

INDISTINCT YELLING

Junior ink-jet technician Mick Hall is just an ordinary bloke,

but he's about to receive an extraordinary surprise.

Look at this.

Hi, Mick. My name's... Sam Campbell.

I know exactly who you are.

You're, like, my favourite director.

I must have seen The Funny Wedding 100 times.

The Funny Wedding.

? Got me saying ay-o, ay-o

? I'm finally alive, say... ?

That was a long time ago.

Besides, I'm more interested in YOUR movie.

What are you doing? Don't do that.

He's on the ground, so...

I dragged Mick back to the Make That Movie headquarters.

My team were eager to hear his bulletproof idea.

Uh...

So there's a man and a woman...

Yes?

Sorry, I've never had this many people look at me at the same time.

You're doing great.

QUIETLY: They transf...

They transform.

When one of them's a human, the other one's a snake

and vice versa.

What is their relationship?

Was it inspired by you and your mum?

No way, man!

I was sort of hoping

that the woman could be really very sexy.

So they are, in fact, lovers?

Yes, please.

How raunchy do you want to go?

I'd just like to introduce... SAM GRUMBLES

Don't worry, we'll whip up as many

X-rated sexual penetration fuck moments as we can.

Real snakes as well, yeah?

What?

Mick, we have to steer clear of CGI.

It takes you out of the story.

We'll be using real snakes.

Sorry, how many snakes are there going to be on set?

We'll need a lot of options.

Plus, we'll need backup snakes.

Potentially, we get one really long one,

and then we can just cut off however many we need. Yeah.

I don't know if it'd be allowed,

but I wouldn't mind seeing a chase sequence.

Ooh, someone chasing after them.

Maybe a detective?

A detective would be...

I'm speechless.

Great. Mick, leave it with us.

You're off to stay at a luxury hotel in the Jumeirah Islands.

The next time we see you,

we'll be at the premiere of your very own movie.

How do you feel right now?

Where are the Jumeirah Islands?

They're in the United Arab Emirates.

Just look...

As Mick departed on his first-ever flight,

we got to work.

Jess begun eyeing up some special guest stars

of the forked tongue variety.

OK, can we see Diablo and Zero?

Is Bathsheba still available?

Argh, yeah.

It's just so hard to choose without seeing them in action.

Is there any way we could get, like, a sample bucket?

We need them today. Thank you.

God, I haven't done a snake picture for yonks.

Not since...

Well, Big Hiss. Big Hiss.

I didn't know you worked on that. Agent at the time.

Got my name taken off it.

All a bit hot. Yeah, didn't an actor nearly die?

A couple people died.

Great soundtrack.

It was time to transform Sherborne Prints

into a secret underground lair.

Hey, Mr Campbell,

are you sure you want us to be the main characters?

Yeah, we're mostly used to printing out pamphlets

for companies and events.

Wouldn't it be better with proper actors

portraying the snake switchers?

We have fallen head over heels in love with Sherborne Dale.

These people! This place!

I mean, look at this guy.

He's like an actual detective.

But we haven't had any formal acting training.

What do we do with our eyes? Just keep them still.

Winnie, is this wall going to be a problem?

Ah. Might be in the way. Sam.

Should be fine.

SAM GRUNTS

Fuck off.

Can I get some levels? Sorry?

If you just want to say one of your lines.

"At midnight, we infiltrate the National...

"Natural History Museum..." Yeah, that sounded great.

Really? COUGHING

You actually loved it?

I'm Sebastian. Oh.

Yeah, he's the intimacy coordinator.

You've got to tell people that.

You can't just be sidling up to them.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to this.

I'm gonna make you guys comfortable with each other's bodies.

Oh, we've been married for ten years.

Yeah, I'll work very closely with the both of you.

I've got a lot of diagrams.

Oh.

Why are you wearing gloves?

Hey, I heard that.

Yeah, he's a family friend.

We get a lot of money from his parents.

Action.

At midnight...

...we infiltrate the Natural History Museum

and steal that ceremonial serpent fang.

I'm feeling pretty geed up. Same.

I'm so pumped.

But I'm a bit worried about that ancient curse.

Will you relax, Mama?

That's just folklore.

I hate folklore.

Soon we'll be extremely wealthy.

And we will start an orphanage.

I thought you were done with orphanages.

Only orphanages that aren't run properly.

Hey.

Come here, Mama.

DOOR BEEPS AND CLICKS

Sorry, I just wanted to print my CV off.

THEY GROAN - Cut. - Who are you?

We're in the middle of a scene here!

Are you guys filming something? I am done!

It's all right. Gordon, use this.

What's it for? Is it Marvel?

It's an original idea, actually!

It's about people who transform into snakes!

We're using practical effects.

So when one's a snake, the other one is a human

and they're trying to get back...

They take turns. They swap.

Should I come back in a bit or...?

Get him off my goddamn set!

Get out. Don't come back. Very unprofessional.

Go! You should be ashamed of yourself, you disgusting pig.

First position. Sorry about that, guys.

Action.

At midnight, we...

DOOR BEEPS AND CLICKS

What did I just say, dickhead?

I'm not a dickhead.

We need her back on Thursday, all right?

Oh.

Snakes.

While we checked if the snakes were poisonous,

lucky Mick was relaxing in paradise.

I had a massage earlier.

Hello. Hi.

I can't wait to see what they're cooking up back home.

What are we doing with muesli bar wrappers?

I'll just take it.

This bloke, the detective,

he looks sensational.

I know, right?

He oozes with gravitas.

I walk in,

I see there's nothing on the plinth, and say,

"Please, God, you mustn't do this to me."

That's it.

I think we're ready.

Come on, people, let's roll on this.

Action.

CONFUSED GRUNTS

How was that?

Yeah, I think we could probably do it again.

You walk in, you see the plinth,

notice the plinth, say your line.

Gotcha.

Oh, my God.

- Argh! - No, no, no! CAMERA CRASHES

Ooh.

Anything?

Feel like you're really charging the camera there, Isaac.

Yeah, it's not easy, is it?

If I could just offer up one of my little tricks.

Something I find helpful is to

evoke a very fucked-up childhood memory

and let it just marinate into the performance.

Mm.

I'll give that a go.

Oh.

Argh!

Ooh! No.

STAMMERING

What's wrong with you?

GROANING AND CRASHING Let's go again.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

OK. GROANING

Idiot. Are you OK? Yeah.

Little one, give me the strength, please.

Ah.

Do we keep doing it? Ah.

I could maybe try it with an evil New York accent.

That's not a bad idea.

Hey, would you be upset if I told you

that you're too difficult to work with,

and that as much as it breaks my heart,

we're going to need to recast the role?

No, I'd be all right.

You're a good mate. You're a trouper.

You're a real trouper. Isn't he a trouper?

You're a rock star. Yeah. Total rock star.

CHEERING - Bye. - Thank you so much.

We'd lost our detective,

and these would be big shoes to fill.

Every movie needs to contain at least one detective.

Go, go, go!

We were forced to split up to find a last minute replacement.

We need you to star in a movie! No, thank you.

You've got to!

No, I don't.

Please, take one for the team! DESPERATE PLEAS

BELL DINGS Hey, what are your measurements?

Have you ever fired a gun?

Has anyone here fired a gun?

GROANING Having a nice night?

It's about to get even nicer.

You're about to get famous.

We're done for. We're done for!

No, Winnie, we can't give up.

Maybe we should go into people's houses. What's that?

Jam or something?

I always thought that was part of your head.

Mm. Some sort of food.

OK, I have a lot of questions about that, but we need to focus up.

Let's get this show on the road!

The next morning, I was becoming a little bit frustrated.

Pat, talk to me.

I asked everyone at the hospital.

There was just no luck.

Am I having a panic attack? I hope not.

It's these townsfolk, they're so stupid.

They don't know the first thing about loyalty.

This place is a hole.

Imagine living here.

Could you do it?

I'd kill myself.

No, the part. The detective.

Couldn't you do it?

MURMURING

Ooh.

You want me to do acting?

Why? Why ask that?

Do you want me to choke you? What are you talking about?

Sebastian, the sequel.

Oh, yeah. Funny Wedding 2 - The Funnymoon.

? You got me saying ay-o, ay-o

? I'm finally alive... ?

I'm gonna choke you. No. Yeah. No.

I have the right to make mistakes. Hold him back!

I have the right to be myself. I'm gonna choke you!

I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna drown you!

GROANING

Sebastian, why?

I knew this would happen.

Mick's gonna be devastated.

Serves me right for trying to help someone for once...

CAR HORN BEEPS ...in my life.

Loco. Que las hecho a mi coche?

Hold these.

JESS SPEAKS SPANISH

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

Yeah.

OK, he's just passing through, but he liked the sound of it.

There are stipulations.

He wants to wear his own clothes, and he doesn't speak any English,

but, yeah, he'll do it.

Tell him he's the answer to our every prayer.

He saved my life.

Let's get to work. SHARP HISSING

Help! Help!

There's always one, and it's always you.

Get it off! Hold on, what do you do again?

Leave it on till it's done, then you yank it off very quickly.

Until it's done what? Oh, I'd get it off ASAP.

I mean, you don't want that on your chin.

Yeah, up to you, really, but I'd yank it off immediately.

So what's the overall consensus?

I think we probably should just do the snakes in CGI.

It's come a long way.

Well, I did it.

So, yeah.

It's good to see you. Thanks for coming down, and...

Yeah.

Hey. Excuse me?

Mr Tucker? Mr Tucker?

Sorry, would you mind signing this?

I thought all this stuff had been destroyed.

I've seen everything you've ever made.

It's an honour to meet you.

Thank you so much.

Is that you?

Yeah. Thank you.

Finally, our guest of honour.

He's here.

Our prince had arrived...

...and he wasn't alone.

Welcome home. Thank you.

Oh, this is Lexi.

We met at the hotel.

She wanted to come along as well, if that's all right. Hello.

You know, this might be the toughest challenge my team has ever faced.

Huh? You came to us with nothing.

You dared me to triumph over the impossible.

Mick Hall, the moment has arrived.

Are you ready to see your idea in the form of a movie?

Yes, I think so.

Can I get you anything?

Would you like some popcorn?

No, no, we had some lasagne in the car.

OK. Far out.

MURMURING

At midnight...

...we infiltrate the Natural History Museum

and steal that ceremonial serpent fang.

Maybe you're right.

It is glowing a fair bit.

Could be cursed after all. SHE TUTS

Don't tell me you're getting cold feet.

We've been planning this for ages, and we've come all this way.

Hey, same time?

SCREAMING

SCREAMING CONTINUES

HISSING

I suppose you want to throw us in prison.

Haven't we suffered enough?

No.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

What do you mean?

You've been in contact with a scientist who can help us out?

Si.

I can't do it.

A full reversal? No way.

My machine isn't powerful enough.

Estas segura?

Do you have any idea what it's been like

seeing the man I fell in love with on the ground,

on his belly?

There must be a way.

Could maybe get away with an operation...

...so you're both half and half.

It's the best I can do, I'm afraid.

You mean snake-human hybrids?

SNAKE RATTLING

I'd actually be up for that.

SNAKE HISSES

I'd like to buy a couple of orphans, please.

Of course.

We just got some new ones in.

Great.

WHISPERS: It's not really my thing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We weren't sure you were gonna make it.

There you have it.

Everyone thought Snake Switch was interesting,

and things were really popping off in the foyer.

Cinema will never die.

GORDON CHUCKLES I'm buzzing.

Everyone's saying I crushed it.

Do you think we should sell the shop and go pro?

I definitely want to appear in more movies,

move in to the music industry side of things, my own clothing line,

but ultimately, I want to open a theme park that's just for men.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

He was cool, wasn't he, the detective?

Some people just don't belong on the screen.

Some people should exist, but without any evidence.

Yeah.

100%.

That's what I call another happy customer.

But what becomes of the director after they call "Cut"?

Hm.

Hey. The movie was a big hit. You did it.

It was good, yeah. It was perfect...

...but it wasn't a masterpiece.

Hey, did you see that email?

A woman in the Midlands just had an idea.

Yeah? Yeah.

It's about the world's smallest butler.

He's the size of a cup... Ah.

...but he's still great at his job.

What kind of cup?

Hey, you. Yes, you.

Have you got an idea for a movie?

We're always on the hunt for new submissions.

Head on over to our website

and click through to the Application Zone.

Remember, we only read ideas

that are in all capital letters,

and submissions must be under ten gigabytes.

This is a pretty generous size limit.

Please refrain from using the website for any other purpose.

Please.

We did not build this website

for you to transfer files or store other documents.

We're still learning how to delete unwanted files.

This is not the cloud. This is a serious website.

It's for movie ideas.

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