Original subtitles

[? group singing "Chaap Tilak"]

[rhythmic clapping]

[? music quickens]

[laughter]

[rhythmic clapping continues]

??

[? music fades out]

So, how'd the Bolivians react to the news?

Oh, not well.

But they're dead now, so who cares?

[laughs] Atta girl.

I'm a simple woman.

You betray me, I filet you.

I'll be sure to remember that.

[in Urdu] Assalaam alaikum Lucky Auntie,

-assalaam alaikum Ahmad Uncle. -Walaikum assalaam beta,

-walaikum assalaam. -Backyard, 20 minutes.

My band is doing a musical rendition of Tibetan Book of the Dead.

Can't wait. Mir, have you heard back from Wharton, Beta?

Not yet. I got accepted into my safety school, Drexel.

But if I have to go there, I'll probably kill myself.

You got to manifest it, man.

That's how we sold 20 tickets at our last show.

Nobody gives a shit about your band. It's Maroon 5 or nothing.

-Nerd. -Oh, and, uh, Baba wants

to see you downstairs to talk about, like, a business expansion or some shit.

-Duty calls. -Ah, he was talking about Lucky Auntie.

[? band continues singing in distance]

Don't be jealous. He loves us both.

-[Ahmad chuckles] -[Raj] Yeah.

-Yeah right. -[Raj] That's what I say to Mir

-all the time about Baba. -Get outta here.

-[Mir] Dude, shut up! -[Raj] You shut up!

[Mir] You're so dumb. I can't wait to go to college

and never talk to you ever again.

-[Raj] I swear... -[Mir] Once I start having sex...

[? tense music playing]

Where... did it all go so wrong?

[? funky upbeat music playing]

-[gun cocks] -[gunshots]

[bullet shells clinking]

[wet wiping]

[water splashing]

[? tense percussive music playing]

[Lucky chuckles]

Oh. Refreshing. I was parched.

Since you won't admit to the deli robberies,

I'm going to disembowel you...

-using a butter knife. -Okay, okay, hold on. [grunts]

Hold on. Just think about this for a second, okay?

Okay, okay. If you kill Ahmad, we can't prove that Raj didn't do it.

Look, look, look. Reza said we can pitch the board tonight

if I can prove that Raj is innocent.

Now we can.

-Come on. -[grunts]

Fine. I'll stop.

-[knife clatters] -Thank you.

-[grunts] -Starting now.

-Can we talk? -[Raj] Yes, please.

Look, if we take Ahmad to the police, he'll probably rat us out,

but we can get his whole confession on tape.

Solid plan. We can't keep him here forever. Habeas corpus.

You've heard of prison muscles? I have prison brains.

[Ahmad] That's a great idea. That's great.

Let-- Let me rehearse.

"My name's Ahmad Saeed, and the DarCo douches store their coke

-at 42 Van Buren--" -Alright! Mm.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

Sometimes actors just need help finding their motivation.

-Here you go, baby. -Ah!

-[gagging] -Wait. Are you chutney-boarding him?

It's giving Cheney.

-[groaning] -[Lucky] A little bit of spicy chutney

for this heartburn bastard.

[Mir] Ahmad, you're gonna get on tape

and you're gonna say you were on a digital detox,

and you don't know about anything.

And that Raj is innocent.

Just fucking do it, man!

We have so much more chutney in the store.

Nobody ever buys this shit!

Okay, I'll do it. [spits]

[groans] But you gotta promise me on Baba's grave

that you don't kill me.

And give me 500,000

so I can...

[spits] ...set up a new life in a different country.

Okay, deal.

I'm gonna go to the Sugar Palace and get the cash from Max.

-You're gonna have it today. -[Ahmad] Max?

Sugar?

[laughing]

-Yeah. -[Ahmad] Oh, dear Lord.

[chuckling] Tell me you're not using that creep to clean your cash.

[? tense music playing]

Andrew Chadwater.

I see you've made yourself at home.

Can I offer you a drink?

Tequila, whiskey?

Milk. Neat.

We don't have milk.

Oh, he's a vile, shady fucking scumbag.

-[Lucky] Hmm. -And that's saying something

coming from me.

So, what brings you here? Low on campaign funds?

What can I do for you?

I need everything you have on the Dars,

and I need it today.

[Raj] You better be careful, man,

because that's Lucky's boyfriend--

Uh, p-- Partner?

-[Raj] Man-friend? -[Mir] After a certain age?

[Raj] At what point does it become-- Turn from boyfriend to man-friend?

-We never talk about that. -[Mir] Yeah.

Doesn't matter! Okay? They're old and they're fucking.

A lot!

Well, if you want to play games with me, Andy,

you gotta have the cards.

Oh, well, my cards have every name you've ever laundered for.

Yeah, your little bobbleheads were quite talkative.

[lever clicking]

[laughing maniacally]

I could put you away for a long time.

-[Ahmad laughing] -[stomping feet]

What are you laughing at?

Your boyfriend's so old, he bullied Gandhi.

[Ahmad] You know, back in the day,

Max Sugar was known for enticing...

Oh, wh-what would you call them?

Oh, yeah. Bimbos.

...by using certain tricks.

Let me guess. [chuckles]

He shut down his restaurant so you could have a romantic date.

-Yeah? Am I right? -Shut up.

[Ahmad] [laughing] Oh, Lucky!

Still filling your sad-hole by banging lowlifes?

Clearly, you're still the kachra chimney-sweep

you were when Baba found you.

-[screams] -[Mir] You don't need to do that!

Quiet!

[? intense music playing]

Listen to me.

I need you to think about the business.

And more importantly, think about Raj.

Lucky Auntie.

[heavy breathing]

[grunts]

You're lucky you have these two.

Untie this piece of shit.

I'll need full immunity.

This isn't an effing negotiation.

I will eff you!

Heck, I'll tell your daughter that you're going to prison

for a very long time.

How about that? How about I bring her in for questioning?

I said I'll cooperate. I'm here.

What do you want me to do? Bark like a dog?

Yeah, I want you to bark like a dog.

-[mimics deep dog bark] -Not a big dog.

You're like an annoying little guy who sits in a purse.

-Do that. -[mimics higher-pitched dog bark]

-More. -[mimics higher-pitched dog bark]

That's good.

So, I'm gonna get my things together,

and I'll meet you in your office in an hour.

Uh-uh!

I make the terms.

Gather your things. Meet me in my office in an hour.

-Bark again. -[mimics deep dog bark]

Ah. [mimics higher-pitched dog bark]

[sighs]

[sighs deeply]

[? tense music playing]

-[Raj grunts] -[knife slicing]

[Mir sighs]

Well...

this calls for a celebration.

Let's have a toast.

[laughing] Hey.

Glad you came to your senses, Lucky.

[chuckles]

-[banging bottles] -Oh.

Good thing you weren't on your period, eh?

-[laughing] -[shelf thumps]

-[hammer thuds] -[grunts]

[groaning]

-What the...? -[Raj] Does this mean our deal's off?

-[body thuds] -[Max sighs]

Tony.

Can you get some muscle out to the country house

within the hour?

And then... [sighs]

let's get Seven on a plane to Paris, tomorrow.

Got it. What's up?

I had no choice.

I have to hand Lucky over to that talking jar of mayonnaise.

[sighs]

She is going to butcher me and my daughter when she finds out.

Oh, definitely. She scares me.

I'll stall Chadwater until Seven is on that plane.

Sorry you gotta send your lady to prison.

Relationships are tough.

Relationships are tough. They're really hard.

Oh, well, that's how it is.

-[Mir crying] -[Raj] Shit, shit, shit!

I forgot about that booby trap.

-So much blood! -This is the same place

where Baba got hit in the head with the golf ball.

We should just let him bleed out.

There's absolutely no way you're gonna plug

a busted skull with TP.

-[Ahmad groaning] -It's not even two-ply!

[Raj] Do you think this will work?

[Mir] I don't know. Try it!

[groans]

[Mir and Raj grunting]

-[Mir] No, it's too small. -[Raj] His head is too big.

Ah!

[Mir] Come on, come on, come on, buddy, come on.

[? "Ass Shaker" by Peachcurls playing on car stereo]

[cell phone ringing]

-Hello? -Surprise! Ahmad's alive.

[screaming] Fuck!

Let me re-kill him, please!

No, no, no.

I need you to do something else for me.

-[Mir] What time is it? What time is it? -[Ahmad babbling]

-He can't read my Rolex! -[Ahmad continues babbling]

I have a, a bad feeling about Max.

I just want you to find him,

follow him, and if you see anything suspicious,

I want you to give me a call.

Consider him found.

[? "Ass Shaker" continues playing]

? Shake wit it, bounce wit it ?

? Now, bounce wit it, bounce... ?

I think this is gonna work!

[Mir] Oh, yeah, that's good, that's good.

[groaning, wailing]

It was an accident, drama queen!

What do you say when someone's about to die?

-Inna Lilla...? -Nobody knows the middle part!

You just mumble it in. Inna Lilla... [mumbling]

[both speaking Arabic] Raji'un.

-Ah! -I need medical attention!

If you let me die, I will fucking haunt you.

I'll get the worst djinn to give you nightmares.

-You okay? -Mm-hmm.

[Ahmad] Is she okay?

I'm wearing a head diaper, and you're asking if she's okay?

-You idiot! -You just gotta relax, man!

I hate you both!

[Raj] Breathe with me, okay?

In through your nose, out through your mouth.

[Ahmad] You're idiots!

[horn honks]

[people chattering]

[Max] If you were any later, I was gonna call you Seven-Thirty.

Kind of a flop joke, but...

-Hi! -Hi.

How are classes?

Oh, please don't ask me about classes.

Please don't ask me about anything personal.

The only thing worth focusing on right now is my play.

Theater is my passion now.

-Theater? What happened to NPR? -Mm-hmm.

-No. -[clicks tongue]

Well, here's the plan for today, okay?

Instead of just going for a bite,

what if we spent the weekend

at the country house with the horsies?

Just me and you.

I love that you're obsessed with trying to hang out with me,

but I-I-I have to do the adult thing right now.

I have to focus on my play.

The lead wore a durag to school last week.

She's white. She's actively getting canceled.

It's just, there's, like, a lot on my plate.

What if I said as an argument that we should ditch those chopped bums

and we should just dip?

Oh, my God. Okay.

You know what?

I will go with you

if you stop trying to talk like me.

Agreed. Okay. So you want to do it?

-[Seven Sugar] Yes. -That's great!

Great. You know what? You slay.

That's the last one.

[cell phone buzzing]

Uh, I'm so glad we get to spend some time together.

-Gonna ignore that. -[phone clicks]

-[Seven] Who was it? -[Max] No one important.

[? percussive music playing]

[chickens clucking]

[? tense music playing]

What are we doing all the way out here, Maxie?

Who in the Secret Lives of Amish Wives is this homewrecker?

So, I want to hear more about this play.

It's a re-imagining of Waiting for Godot but with Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez.

So, obviously it's fire.

That's interesting. Kind of through their eyes.

Why are there Amish guys outside with crossbows?

Oh, that's security...

for the horses.

Been a lot of horse-jackings recently.

-Mm. -So...

Oh, anyway, about my play.

So, we want to stage it in a castle.

[? tense music continues]

What if tomorrow, I flew you to Paris?

And you can go out there, check out castles, get some inspo.

I mean, there are plenty of castles out there.

I'd put you up at the George Cinq presidential suite.

You know what? [smacks lips]

Fine. Say less. I'll do it.

-Come here, I love you. I love you. -Aww.

[? tense music continues]

You don't trade a queen for a pawn, you ungrateful swine!

-[cell phone buzzes] -[Raj and Mir chattering]

Hi. Are you and Max poly?

[over phone] I'm guessing no.

Um, I've just caught Mr. Slimy Sugar

with some homewrecking bimbo.

That shady fucking prick.

[switch blade clicks]

You say the word, and I will fetch you his dishonest penis.

Send me the address.

Just gonna deal with him myself.

[keypad clacking]

[Ahmad groans]

Okay. We need to get him to a doctor or a shaman,

or he's gonna die.

Okay, I vote doctor, okay?

He needs medicine, not vibes.

-[Ahmad groaning] -You got this. I gotta go.

It's nice to see you boys manning up.

Thank you.

[groaning, whimpering]

I haven't been in this much pain since I lost my virginity.

-[horn honks] -Get out of the way!

Look, man, he's really fucked up.

Hey, uh, what if this is a bad idea?

What if he thinks he's gonna die and he rats us out

as a final fuck you?!

Hey! Don't bring that negative energy in here, man.

This is what the universe wants for us, okay? It's got our back.

-Oh, really? Does it? -Definitely.

This is exactly where the cosmos wants us.

Okay? Us together.

Co-Chief Saabs.

Brothers, hauling a half-dead prick in the back.

[Ahmad] Yeah. The only thing half-dead is your fashion.

-What did you say? Huh? -[Mir] Be careful!

[Raj] What did you say to me?

-Hey, wake up! -[groans]

-Wake up! -Alright.

We're almost at the hospital.

Yeah. And then we'll be done with you for good.

I will never know why Baba invited you into his gang.

[chuckles] Your Baba and I were the gang.

In the beginning, it was just the two of us,

running guns, selling dope.

They called us the DarCo Boys.

That's why he always considered you a brother.

-How could you do that to him, man? -Oh, stop!

After all you guys went through.

Don't be sentimental, boy.

It was just business.

[Raj] You say that, but we always considered you our uncle.

You were our family. We all loved you.

[Ahmad] Oh.

Maybe that's why they say don't mix family and business. [chuckles]

Yeah. It's complicated.

There was a time I would have died for your Baba.

Ha ha. I certainly killed for him.

But... things change.

Still, there are days I regret what I did.

Most days, I'm glad I did what I did.

You had everything.

Respect, money, family.

And you threw it all away for greed.

I hope one day...

you can get all of this hate out of your heart.

That is what Baba would have wanted.

Oh, stop talking.

I'm gonna gag on my vomit.

I hope you fucking choke on it.

[tires screeching]

[door thumps]

You two chutiyas better get my money

before I leave here,

or I'll fucking ruin you.

[groaning]

[whimpering]

[Raj sighs]

What a dick.

-[? percussive music playing] -[groaning]

[moans]

[both] Oh!

[cop] Who brought him in? Any ID on him?

-No, no, nothing. -[Ahmad] Ahmad Saeed.

Holy shit! This is Saeed Ahmad.

This guy died in a car explosion a few weeks ago.

[paramedic] Okay, well, he's alive for now.

Just tripped. [groans]

I wasn't dead.

[grunts]

I'm more alive than you, you soy-boy-beta-twat.

[laughing, coughing]

[paramedic] Oh, we're losing him.

[cop] Look, you're not gonna make it.

Just tell me who did this, I'll use it in court,

-bring 'em to justice. -[Ahmed wheezing]

[cop] Just give me a name.

[paramedic] Oh.

[groans faintly]

[? suspenseful music playing]

[chuckles]

Fuck the police.

[grunts]

[? somber music playing]

[Raj] Damn. That was some Tupac shit.

He didn't rat us out.

Oh, this is proof that I didn't bomb the car.

That asshole came through in the end.

Hey, if we go right now, we can make it to the board meeting.

Yeah. Let's go.

Wait. Can you present? You have blood on your coat.

Oh, fuck, no.

Actually, I have a suit in the car that I think just might work.

[horse snorting]

[? tense music playing]

Are those two still in there?

The floozy just took off with the two guards.

You just missed her.

[Lucky] Goddammit.

I went to therapy with this guy,

trying to convince me to build a life with him.

Wanted me to leave the boys behind.

-Monster. -[switch blade clicks]

Matthew, we are not cutting any penises off today, okay?

-Put that away. -[sighs] Bummer.

You know, I really thought I'd get to use this a little more.

Oh, shit. That's Chadwater's car. Oh, no.

[Lucky] Did he say he was coming?

No. He's been obsessed with Max.

I don't know why he'd come all the way out here.

[Lucky] It's a good thing I'm here to find out, then.

-Maybe they're boning. -[switch blade clicks]

[Lucky] Something is rotten in Philly.

This hither be private property.

[Lucky] Stay calm.

The Amish are humble and peaceful people.

[in Pennsylvania Dutch] Guder daag.

Mr. Sugar decrees violence upon intruders.

It brings us merriment to bathe these fields in blood.

There's no joy like cutting sinful heads off thine bodies.

Okay, I take that back.

These ones are psychos.

-[switch blade clicks] -Finally, I get to use this thing.

-[arrow whooshing] -[thumps]

[screams]

-[Lucky yells] -[groans]

-[grunting] -[scythe whooshing]

-[Lucky yelling] -[kick thuds]

-[grunting] -[punches thudding]

Oh!

-[scythe slicing] -[guard yelps, groaning]

[? dramatic music playing]

[Matthew groaning]

Okay. Slay, queen.

[breathing heavily]

Hide the bodies. I'm going in.

[heavy breathing]

[groans]

I have got to figure out health insurance.

[? dramatic music playing]

What do you think? How is it?

You look great! Is this Baba's old suit?

Yeah, I had it dry cleaned after my freak out.

I-Is it too big? I'm worried that it's too big, you know?

Why couldn't I inherit Baba's Cricket shoulders?

Chill, bro. Oversized is in right now.

You look like a brown Bieber at The-- The Met.

You know who else was at The Met? Zayn Malik.

So, I basically look like him.

Yes. You look like Zayn Malik.

-Yeah, yeah. You look great. -I don't know, man.

I-- What I really think we should do is maybe postpone it by a week

-to get a better suit and just recalib-- -[Reza] Postpone?

Did I hear "postpone"?

Hey, Reza. What's up?

That's a thought. Here's what I'm thinking.

You can't push this meeting again.

I put my reputation on the line.

If you screw this up, I will use my billion-dollar trust fund

and my powerful friends to wreck your shit!

-[whimpers] -[Reza inhales sharply]

[exhales sharply]

Have fun with it. You got this.

Okay, okay. You saw that.

We can't be here. We gotta get out of here.

We just gotta give up this dream of buying a fucking golf course.

It was dumb to begin with. What were we even thinking?

This is all white people here. We don't even belong here.

-We gotta get out of here. -Shh!

-You got this. -Okay.

We're gonna relax, and we're gonna take some deep breaths.

-We're gonna close our eyes. -Okay. Okay.

-Alright, let's do it. -Close my eyes.

-Take a deep breath. -Deep breath.

In through your nose, out of your mouth.

-[Mir exhaling] -And just give me a couple more of those.

-Think about where you are right now. -[breathes deeply]

-Let's just do one more. -Okay.

[Raj] Really deep.

-Okay. Here we go. -Here we go.

[sniffs deeply]

Oh, what the fuck?!

Was that cocaine? Did you just give me cocaine?

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

I gave you a little dose of confidence. You're gonna be great.

[panting] No, no, I can't, dude.

-Why would you do this to me? -You're gonna be fine.

It's gonna get to your head in three seconds.

-[panting] -Three, two, one.

[? upbeat music playing]

Let's go buy a fucking golf course.

[laughing maniacally]

So, to sum it all up, if given the opportunity,

we will modernize facilities, hire world-renowned chefs,

double our profits, and make this club

the premier location to be,

and to be seen.

With exponential growth on vibes.

-[board member] Hmm. -[murmuring]

[applause]

Great pitch. See? I told you these guys had big plans.

[board murmuring]

As president, I fully endorse them.

This is gold.

With the extra dough, I could become my church's number one donor.

Suck it, Becky Larson!

That's what I'm talking about.

All in favor of giving us the keys to the castle, say, "Aye."

[all] Aye!

Yes! Baba's dream came true!

[both laughing]

-And I did it with my brother. -Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes, yes! I cannot wait to start working!

[? music stops abruptly]

Is this cocaine, Mir?

[? tense percussive music playing]

[heavy breathing]

[? suspenseful music playing]

[Chadwater] Surprised to see me?

There's nothing you can hide from me.

Not your crimes. Not your subscription for butt plugs.

Not your ranch house that you have listed under one of your shell corporations.

I'm playing ball, Andy.

I wasn't hiding from you.

If you're lying to me, I have tricks to put you away

for much worse than money laundering.

Google Joey Tomatoes.

Am I supposed to be scared?

Yeah.

I do what it takes to get the job done.

Oh, that could be my motto when I'm mayor.

-Oh, that's good. -"Do what it takes to get the job done."

[Max] I do what I can to get the job--

-[Chadwater] I do what it takes-- -[Max] I do what it takes to get...

-Yeah. It's concise. -[Chadwater] Thank you.

What I'm trying to do is I'm just trying to get my daughter to a safe place

before we hit DarCo.

Lucky will kill her.

But I did betray your trust, so my bad.

I don't need your bads.

I need to know you'll do what it takes to bring the Dars down.

Yeah. It's either them or me.

And I choose me.

You know what my motto is? You ever hear it before?

Loyalty-schmoyalty, I'll do whatever it takes.

They trust me with everything.

Yeah. How'd you manage that?

I staged a fake robbery at their little deli...

-[gasps] -...and then I came in at the last minute

and saved the day.

Leave them alone!

Hey, Lucky, guess what you forgot at the casin-- Hey!

[whispering] That lying son of a bitch.

[sighs]

This is not good. This is not good, man.

[Mir] Why did you make me do drugs?!

-I thought it was gonna help! -This is so bad!

They know about--

Hi. Um, listen,

I feel like you guys have been talking for a really long time,

and we're focusing way too much on whatever that is

and not enough on how much you guys loved our pitch.

-And-- -Remember all the "Yays"?

-We can explain everything. -Yeah.

And-and-and by "we," I mean Mir, my brother,

he can explain everything.

-Mir, go ahead. -Yeah, uh...

Did you really bring cocaine to a pitch meeting?

-It's sea salt! I'm very low on sodium. -Oh.

-My doctor said that I need minerals. -Oh.

Do not try--

[licking]

The only time I've tasted snow that pure was off Bob Dylan's dong.

These boys know how to party!

[board members cheering]

[cork pops]

To our new owners!

[all cheering]

Ha, ha! Ah-ha-ha!

-Come on! -[snorting]

[both yelling]

-[group] Woo! -Ahh!

-Go, go, go! -[both snorting]

[all cheering]

? Recognize a real Don when you see one ?

[? "Notorious" by Malaa playing]

? R-I, O, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

[cheering and laughing]

? It's the N-O, T-O, R-I, O ?

? The game is mine nobody do it better ?

-Oh, shit, man! -Oh, fuck!

[all] Whoa!

I am a business god!

-Yeah! -I'm so proud of you, bro.

-You made that happen. -No, no, no. We made it happen.

Baba's dream, our future, all secure!

-You are a business god! -[chuckles]

And I'm a free man. We gotta call Lucky.

-Let's do donuts in the parking lot. -Yeah.

[ice clinking]

[gun clicking]

-[Seven] Dad? -[Max] Uh, yes?

[Seven] There you are. About Paris,

-my French sucks right now. -[Lucky sighs]

[Seven] I feel like before the trip, I should Duolingo.

You know I was on a streak during COVID.

[Max] People forget, some good stuff came out of COVID.

-I remember I was learning guitar. -[Seven] Oh, you did...

[conversation continues indistinctly]

[? "rebound" by Kari Faux playing]

? Off the back porch, you got me jumping through hoops ?

? Am I a rebound? ?

? Baby, tell me the truth ?

? I said off the back porch, you got me jumping through hoops ?

? Am I a rebound? ?

? Baby, tell me the truth ?

? It's like ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? You got me like ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? I think I'm gonna lose it, so much damn confusion ?

? You say I'm not a substitution ?

? Then what's the truth, then? ?

? If you show me proof then I will not refuse it ?

? But I came to the conclusion you wanna use me ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? You got me like ooh ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? Off the back porch, you got me jumping through hoops ?

? Am I a rebound? ?

? Baby, tell me the truth ?

? I said off the back porch, you got me jumping through hoops ?

? Am I a rebound? ?

? Baby, tell me the truth ?

? It's like ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? You got me like ooh, ooh ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

[? music fades out]

[? fanfare playing]

??

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