Original subtitles

currently in the United States on a business mission, has been chosen by the

editors of The Ladies' Companion as our man of the year.

Ben, a model husband, has been happily married for over 20 years.

Successful tycoon in his 40s, Ben always manages to find time for his home life,

as witnessed by the fact that he only has 63 grandchildren.

Yeah. But most important, Ben has won this award because, in the unanimous

opinion of the selection board, He is undoubtedly the world's most faithful

husband.

Yeah, well, no earthly temptation could possibly sway Ben -Harova away from his

loving home and his beautiful...

Satana!

Oh, what are you doing?

Preparing dinner.

Oh, what are we having? Soup again?

Cream of bad blood.

Why don't we ever have anything taste like black hearts and pickled brains?

I'll fix it.

Business has been dead lately. I'm not getting any converts like I used to.

Not a good man gone wrong in months.

Just the same old crowd.

By the way, who's been ripping the pages out of my favorite magazine?

The fire went out on number one.

Adolf Hitler.

I needed some kindling paper to start it up again.

Well, next time, don't use my favorite magazine. I was reading an article about

the world's most faithful husband, Ben Harola.

That's that little thing, most faithful husband.

I'd soon make him see the error of his ways. Yes, I would.

You're nothing but hot air, Lucifer. You haven't had a faithful husband down

here since Henry VIII.

He'd cut off their heads when he got tired of them.

Are you suggesting I couldn't tempt a man like this Ben -Harova?

Why, I'd have him cheating on his wife within two shakes of a sinner's tail.

And I know just the tales to do it.

One day, my dear, just give me one day, and I'll own Ben -Harova lock, stock,

and soul.

All right, hothead.

Go on up and try.

But keep warm.

And don't be late for dinner.

Don't worry about that, dear. I'll...

Pick up something on the outside.

You do, and I'll cook your goose.

Lucifer, you forgot your tool.

Oh.

You know, Henry VIII got a bad rap.

Any man smart enough to cut off his wife's head should be sated.

Wonderful husband in the world.

I'm so happy you brought me with you to America.

My asses?

I wouldn't go anywhere without you.

Will you always... Why look for greener grass when you're

smothered in it?

Besides, don't you believe the ladies' house companions?

They said it themselves.

I am the world's most faithful husband.

the next meeting of the faithful?

In my chambers in an hour.

But first, I have some important business to attend to.

Always on Monday, the Walt Disney on television.

Hmm.

Start in about a minute.

And I haven't interviewed that girl for the upstairs maid job yet.

It's so hot.

I don't remember taking this out.

Ah, this must be heaven.

Oh, don't be alarmed, my dear.

Who are you?

Oh, just another gardener.

I specialize in bad seeds, you know. I don't believe you.

Oh, it's a fact, my little lotus blossom.

It's a fact. I've got the largest hothouse in the world.

Ben! Oh, meh.

Ben!

Ben! Ben, our time has come!

Ben, our time has come!

Anxious little thing, aren't you? No! Oh, dear husband.

I mean the devil. I saw him come up in the garden.

What? I was in the garden planting flowers when the devil came up. The

What kind of fertilizer you been... Oh, no, great husband. I am telling you the

truth. I saw the devil with my own eyes. He's in the garden.

Oh, don't go out there.

Look, honey, you got nothing to be afraid of.

Probably some screwball running around in his long red underwear.

Yes, sir.

Collector of lost souls?

That's me.

Garbage disposal specialist?

Dirty work.

Furnace engineer?

Fire. Evil spirit?

Spook. Magician?

It's a hobby.

Short order cook?

Oh, joy.

My specialty.

Undertaker? Never mind.

Caretaker?

I can't stand my last name.

What do you want here?

I'll come to the point directly, Mr. Ben -Harova.

I want you.

But I'm too young and beautiful to die.

Besides, I have too much to live for.

Precisely. That's just what I wanted to talk to you about. Living.

Real living.

Do you know what that means, living? I mean girls.

Beautiful girls. Luscious girls.

All sinners in all of the mules. Asking me.

Why me?

I don't want any other woman.

I'm a married man. Besides, I'm a lady's house companion.

Man of the year.

Yes. The most faithful husband in the world.

I know, I know. That's why I'm here.

A man of your talents, your qualities, lovable qualities,

should give more women the benefit of himself.

You've made your point.

Now, round a bit.

After all, you owe it to womankind.

More than I can handle at home.

What? A man of your caliber?

And you can't even keep one little woman happy?

Now, wait a date -pick a minute.

I've got a whole... Ah, don't we all, don't we all. But don't give me any

excuses. I just picked the wrong man, that's all. I asked Mr. Universe

He would have wanted a swimming pool.

A swimming pool?

What's that got to do with women?

You need in your backyard a few changes.

Like a...

Swimming pool instead of a flower garden. I don't have time for that.

time, time.

It doesn't take any time at all, Mr. Rover.

I can dig a hole and put things in it quicker than you can say, go to the

Watch.

Ah, here's a nice little number for you.

How do you like the shape?

Yes. Yes.

Lovely.

This is the pear -shaped model.

The pool or the girl?

What's the difference? The whole unit comes fully equipped. That includes

everything you see.

How about the pump?

I let my customers take care of that end.

Can't swim?

Don't worry, Ben. There's always something to hang on to. Besides, you

down at the shallow end and just play.

Well, how about it, Ben?

Remember, the girl goes with the pool. No extra charge.

That's what you think.

Ah, then you're interested.

No. No deal.

I don't do business with the devil.

Besides, I need another woman like I need another hole in my garden.

Now, wait a minute, Ben. You've only seen one model.

I've got quite a few others to show you. Yeah, I don't have time. Oh, it won't

take a second, Ben, old boy.

Just watch my smoke.

Now, take a good look at this.

I've sold hundreds of these. It has all the necessary features for the

recreation minded.

Fun in the sun, eh?

And easy terms. Nothing down.

A lifetime to pay.

Well? Yes.

Yes. Hmm.

Let me guess.

Heart -shaped?

Hourglass?

Kidney? Oh, I have it. This is a Siamese model.

They're built like twins.

Exactly.

And you don't need a filter for them.

Are they easy to clean? Oh, a pleasure.

I imagine they're well heat.

Yes, and you don't even have to turn them on.

How's the circulation?

Great. How is yours?

I don't know. I think my blood pressure's up a few points.

Hey, what is she taking that all for?

This is a demonstration model.

Oh, yes.

Must be a white sale, too.

Look at that little towel.

Why don't you help her dry off, Benji lad?

No, thanks.

Well, how about the other one?

Give her the towel, dear.

That's a good spot.

Did you notice how nicely they exchanged things?

It was a sight for big eyes.

Go, Ben, go.

Let's pool.

What are you waiting for, Ben?

Can't you see they're just dying to play ball with you?

I'm not very good at...

It's not the winning that counts. It's the way the game is played.

All right, all right.

That's enough.

I'm getting tired of these word games.

How about putting my backyard back into a flower garden before my wife sees what

you've done to her flowers?

My asses is going to be very sore.

It's my second love.

What's your first?

Gin rummy.

Have you ever seen Cinevision?

Cinevision? What's that?

This, my little Arabian square, is sinner vision.

Hey, look at all the channels.

Numbers.

Millions of numbers.

And I can get them any time I want.

Who would you like to see?

How about the Beverly Hillbillies?

I missed them last week.

No, no, no. These are sinners.

Soulmates of mine.

This is how I keep track of them.

See, I just select a number and I can see them any time I want.

For instance, the little upstairs maid you just hired, the cute little French

maid. Is she a sinner?

She has excellent references.

Does she ever. She's upstairs working on me now.

Look.

She'd make a great secretary.

Hey, what is she writing?

She's writing a letter to her mother.

She's telling her all about her boss and how cuddly he is.

All that, and she makes beds, too?

Anytime you want.

Well, as the Italians say, she's a been a mater before.

Yes. Why don't you two pop upstairs, and you can turn down a few beds together.

All right. All right.

She might be a French doll, and mine pretty asky.

But look, I hired her for a French maid, and that's all I want her to do. So get

off my back, will you?

My, my, but you're touchy.

I was just trying to entertain you, that's all.

Listen, why don't we go into the house and have a nice friendly chat? I'd love

to meet your wife.

She must be a whirling dervish to keep you.

Where are you going?

For a walk.

And don't follow me.

I want to be alone.

And you, out.

This is going to be more difficult than I thought.

Do you think he's a... Oh, no, no.

What would he want with my ass?

Oh, getting tired from my walk.

Probably walked further than I realized.

Well, at least one thing.

I got rid of that damn devil.

Well, what's this?

Live girly show?

Oh, no.

I thought I got rid of you.

So you like girly shows, eh, Ben?

What type do you like, lad?

Hmm. What type do I like, huh?

Well, I'll tell you.

I like with nice, slick, black hair.

Way down over the shoulders.

Beautiful eyes.

A Roman nose.

Swan -like neck.

Alabaster shoulders.

Just the right amount.

Dear me.

Not too much there.

And, oh, boy, I think I am just the type you want, Ben.

How does that grab you, Ben?

Do you like that Benji?

Yeah.

Well you haven't seen the half of it lad.

There's more?

Be my guest, Benji.

I'm with you.

Your ticket, please.

Oh, my dear, you've made a mistake.

We don't need any tickets.

I suppose you have passes.

To tell you the truth, my dear, and I hate to do it, I can make up your

All right, all right. Come on, let's go in.

Oh, Ben, the show hasn't started yet. It's intermission.

How about some popcorn?

I don't like anything salty.

I know.

Then let me buy you a devil dog.

So, now you're in the catering business.

Well, I try to appeal to all tastes, Benji.

Oh, I hope so, for your sake.

Marvelous, marvelous. Oh, beautiful.

What'll you have?

One devil dog, please.

You're a devil dog, sir.

You're a sly old devil.

Just because I told you I liked that type.

I guess I'll see nothing but girls that look like her from now on.

Why, Ben, I don't know what you're talking about.

And just to show you how wrong you can be about a person, I want you to take an

excellent look at the new cashier that just came on duty.

How could I see her through a brick wall?

Ah, try some of this girly relish on your thing.

Girly relish?

Not too much. That's enough. That's enough.

That's enough.

Liberal, my boy. Liberal.

Oh, yeah?

Must be a strong wall, huh?

Well, here's looking at you, Luce.

Oh, she's different, all right.

But you're up to your old tricks again.

A thing like coming to a show for a change of scenery, eh, Ben?

She could never sell me a ticket.

What you need is more girly relish on your devil dog.

What's she doing?

She's new around here, Benji. I'm breaking her in. Do you have any

I don't know anything about the theater business.

Oh, her job is very simple.

She is too.

Watch. She'll do anything I tell her.

Show me that drapery, dear.

Hold it up a bit.

No, no, away from you.

Higher. Now move your foot.

Look at that dummy. She's fantastic.

Now get rid of that.

That's right.

Now hands on hips.

Come on, turn this way.

Takes direction beautifully, doesn't she, Ben?

A real ding -a -ling yo -yo, Ben, just waiting for somebody like you to pull

strings.

Ben, you desert rascal.

I'm not going to say a word, but I think I know what's on your mind.

You're going to know what's in my stomach in a minute.

I've got to get to our washroom in a hurry.

Perhaps I mixed in too much. Take a little.

Leave me alone.

I'm going to be sick.

Don't be silly, Ben, old boy. I'd never leave a friend alone at a time like

this. I have just the thing you need.

Here.

Chew on this.

Sex lax. What?

Sex lax. It's guaranteed to make you feel good all over.

hole through the wall.

What do you think of sex slacks now?

This

must be

one of the dressing rooms.

How

sweet

it is.

There now, Benji, don't you feel good all over?

Lucifer, you devil.

Yes, that's my name.

You tricked me again.

Are you sorry, Benji?

Lusso, friend, I'm just burned up.

Do you like her, Ben?

She's the star performer around here.

I'd love to be one of her fans.

Benji, she'd like that too.

In fact, it would tickle her fancy.

What do you say now, Ben, old boy?

My throat's dry.

Ah, Ben.

The sex lax is probably wearing off all but another. This time you can blow the

wall down.

My tassels are burned up and you keep talking about women.

I'm going outside to get a breath of fresh air.

Sex lax.

These medical drugs aren't worth a damn.

I wonder if the Spanish know about this.

How do you feel?

Great.

Just great.

Thanks to you, I'm the first man ever got cancer in the throat from a

Well, then how about a nice cold drink?

That should help to soothe your burning tonsils.

That's the best idea you've had since Playboy.

Good. Then follow me. I just happen to know the nearest house of ill, I mean,

refreshments.

Oh, Benji, why do you insist on being so formal? Can't you just call me Lucifer?

Oh, you're enough to turn a man to drink.

What will you have?

Milk.

To take home. Eh, Benji, old boy?

Baja. I want my goat's milk straight.

Goat's milk?

Yeah. Take mine to Bloody Mary, wench.

Look at the ice.

I like nothing that's cold.

are beginning to play tricks on me.

I'm beginning to see things.

Or is it you?

Oh, don't be silly, Ben, old boy. Perfect vision.

I'm going to concentrate on my milk. Oh, that's a good idea, Ben.

They say that milk is the world's most perfect food. Go ahead and drink it. Sup

it, my lad.

Sup it. Yes.

What do you see, veggie old boy?

There's a girl in there.

That's the milkmaid. I can see her little pale.

But where's the goat?

Who needs a goat, Ben?

This is scientific dairy farming.

Watch closely, lad.

This is what they call the canning process.

Huh? If you're concerned about your figure, Ben, this little treat has

absolutely no...

fat. Oh, yes.

She doesn't let anything settle on the bottom.

Why did she put that on?

What's wrong with feathers on a chick, Ben?

Especially a chick like that. You wouldn't want her to catch gold, would

Can I interest you in becoming a gentleman farmer?

You can have your farm hands all over the place.

Cut it out, you big clown, and get this dick queen out of my glass.

Even ghost milk is safe with you around.

Yeah, drink it. You said you were thirsty.

What harm can an old female goat do?

You've never been married.

She moves me too, Ben.

What form. What classic lines.

I'd call her a masterpiece.

I'd call her on the phone.

So,

that is the Mona Lisa.

Why don't you take her home, Benji? She'd look great in your guest room.

Boy, I don't want that, Danny. I want something exciting.

Like a Grandma Moses.

Who's running this store?

You?

I want my money back.

I didn't even get to see China.

Hell's Angel, not the Grey Lime Buster.

Would you like to do a little stretch with her then?

time off.

in the morning.

Okay.

Now, let's see. There must be a key here somewhere.

There must be a key in it on the other side.

What do you see, Benji?

A fairy tale.

Fairytale? What are you talking about, Ben?

Well, somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

And I think she's a little bear.

Aren't you going in, Ben?

There's only one little bed.

Where am I going to sleep?

I'm sure she has something in mind.

Oh, there's only one, Ben.

I know what.

You can fight over it.

Yes.

See my room.

The clerk said it was 204.

Hey, why don't we call Rooster and ask the clerk how we can get rid of a girl.

Now that would be a switch.

take Darrow. Oh, now, wait, wait, wait, Ben.

Ben, you can't go home like this. You said so yourself.

Why don't you let me take you to a nice Turkish bar?

There you can sweat it out.

That's all I've been doing ever since I met you.

Ah, I told Sir Turner I'd get to you before the day was out.

The only place you're gonna get me is to a Turkish bath.

Boy, I feel like a smoked salmon.

Turn this thing down, will you?

turn it down, not up.

What are you trying to do?

Pressure cook me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Benji. I must have turned it the wrong way.

There now.

Why, you no good.

Relax, Benji, relax.

Look what it did me for this other customer.

We must be in the ladies' steam room.

Ah, what a splendid mistake.

Look, you got me in this box. Now get me out.

Ah, you haven't even finished your steam treatment.

And already you want to jump into the bathroom, jolly dog, you fool.

All I want is my pants back.

At a time like this, you want your pants back? Well, I can bring my toy dad to

share.

Damn you all, Pennywhite. I told you I wasn't interested in any more women.

Any man would give his soul for what I showed you today.

You're not human.

Man of the year. Who named you that?

The Birth Control League.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll have you know, I got more kids than old Mother Hubbard.

Legitimate, I suppose.

Yes.

Mr. Ben Hurd, over.

For all I care, you can go straight to heaven.

Good. Then give me back my...

think of it, though.

He did have a couple of nice ones.

Especially that cashier.

Walt Disney show on television.

And now I'm going to have to next week.

Maybe this brings you the Walt Disney show.

This week we take a journey into the real life adventure world.

Our story tonight is called The Camel Who Lost Its Hump.

Your host, Walt Disley, will be here to narrate our story after this word from

our sponsor.

Have you ever had a candy bar?

Once you remove the wrapper, you'll know it's like nothing you've ever had

before.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Your assistant is the devil.

Ain't nothing sacred with you. I'm watching the Walt Disney show.

But Ben, old boy.

Don't Ben, old boy me.

This is our last straw.

I didn't mind when you dug holes in my backyard.

Or when you got me sick with that girly relish.

I didn't mind when you burned me up with that sex lapse.

Or got me drunk on that drug goat's milk.

I didn't even care when you put somebody else in my hotel bed.

Or when you shrunk my pants in that steam room.

But cutting into the Walt Disney show with one of your slick commercials, that

carries things too far.

I'm going to send you back to hell with your old pitchforks.

I

never

thought I'd see the day I had to cool you. Humiliating.

You were gone for a week.

I was almost worried to life.

That little tent maker. I couldn't tempt him to be unpaid.

The bad blood soup out. It turned good.

You said you'd be gone for a day. That's all the time you needed. So here you

come back after one week. Not only without his soul, you don't even have

trident. Are you sure it still isn't in my tail? That hurts.

That's not all that's going to hurt your tail when I get back to you.

if there's any more bad blood dried up yet.

Wait a minute.

That little phony.

Aha! Beginning.

Once I found out what kind of woman you wanted, I knew you'd call the rest.

You just waited until you thought I wasn't watching.

But you forgot one thing.

She's a sinner.

And I can hurry at any time on my sinner vision.

What are you talking about?

I'm still the world's most faithful.

Of course you're the world's most faithful man. You only make love to the

The wife of the store manager.

The wife of the theater owner. The wife of the bartender.

I'll have you. Why, that makes you a bigamist.

What about my ass's wife?

You see, I have 364 wives.

When I came to visit to this country, I brought my asses along with me.

And I left the rest of my wives back here in a harem.

And since I married Farrell, I've got 365 wives.

And I'm kind of anxious to get back home.

Do you mean you're assaulted with a harem?

I'm Sheik Ben -Herova, son of Allah, father of the Nile.

I wouldn't be surprised.

The pages that were ripped out. That explains it all.

Did you like my great family and my beautiful wives?

No wonder you were faithful.

With 365 wives, who would want to play games?

If you don't mind, it's my honeymoon night.

What did you expect?

Lamb and honey?

If you were a decent breadwinner, we'd have something different every night.

Can I help it if I've got a lousy job?

What else can I do with my education?

Why don't you go to night school, you lazy lout? You could learn how to be a

vampire or a grave robber.

All my ghoul friends live much better lives than I do.

Their husbands...

Give them pretty headstones and rat -skin coats.

They all have maids to do their clean work.

Every night they go auto -bowling.

Auto -bowling? What's that?

They see how many cars they can knock over on the freeway.

And what do we do?

Nothing but barbecue sinners and drink bad blood.

Where are you going?

To check the fire on Joe Stallion.

Since that other guy took over, they've been asking for more heat.

And greasy kid stuff. Yes, everything's there.

Now, what do you want?

Oh, Ben, old boy, I've decided to help you out.

Who needs help?

You've got 365 wives, don't you, Ben?

366?

Last night, I met a nice little Jewish girl on the Israel Airlines.

Oh, don't tell me there goes the leap year.

Well, every girl has her day.

One per day? One little day? You can't keep them happy that way, Ben.

What this joint needs is a little bit of the double rooney. Yeah.

Be my guest.

Which one do you like?

Ben, I'll take that one.

That one?

Just what do you intend to do with that one?

Ben, all I want to do is dance.

Well that's a new twist.

You don't need me in hell. Well, who's going to keep the home fires burning?

I'm tired of gathering wood every day.

I'm not a boy scout.

Your job is to be in that place.

I am tired of working as a demon while you go around painting the town red.

You're right now.

Oh, please, honey, can't I stay a while?

I'm tired of hell. Oh, please, I won't be long. Just a few hundred years.

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

That's exactly how I... I wouldn't mind staying here a hundred more years.