All language subtitles for Man of the House 1995

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Boy ]
FIVE YEARS AGO,
MY DAD LEFT.

HE SAID HE LOVED ME AND MY MOM,
BUT HE NEEDED HIS OWN SPACE.

HE TOOK HIS SECRETARY
ALONG WITH HIM.

HE SAID HE NEEDED SOMEONE
TO ANSWER HIS PHONE CALLS.

HE PROMISED TO COME VISIT ME
FROM TIME TO TIME.

BUT HE WAS NEVER VERY GOOD
AT KEEPING PROMISES.

MY MOM WAS REALLY UPSET.

BUT I TOLD HER
WE STILL HAD EACH OTHER.

AND I'D LOOK AFTER HER
AS LONG AS I LIVED.

WE DECIDED TO START
ALL OVER AGAIN.

A WHOLE NEW LIFE.

SO WE MOVED INTO A SMALL
LOFT APARTMENT DOWNTOWN.

IT WAS PRETTY GROSS
AT FIRST.

BUT MY MOM'S REAL CREATIVE,
AND SHE TURNED IT INTO A HOME
IN NO TIME.

SHE EVEN CREATED A KIND OF
BACKYARD GARDEN ON THE ROOF
WHERE I COULD PLAY.

AFTER A WHILE, SHE GOT OVER
MY FATHER LEAVING.

I DID TOO.

EVENTUALLY, SHE STARTED
DATING AGAIN.

BUT THEY WERE ALL JERKS.

AND THEY NEVER LASTED LONG.

AND EVENTUALLY, WE WOULD
GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE.

JUST THE TWO OF US.

I LIKED IT THAT WAY.

WE STARTED MAKING A COLLAGE FROM
THINGS WE FOUND ON THE BEACH...

TO TAKE OUR MINDS OFF
EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED.

WE'VE BEEN DOING IT NOW
FOR ALMOST FIVE YEARS.

MY MOM SAYS WE'LL
FINISH IT SOMEDAY.

UP TOP. RIGHT THERE.

THEN TWO WEEKS AGO, THE WORSE
THING IN THE WORLD HAPPENED.

MY MOM TOLD ME SHE WANTED
TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.

JUST WHEN WE GET OUR LIFE
BACK TOGETHER,

SHE HAS TO GO AND DO
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU'D THINK BY NOW SHE WOULD
HAVE LEARNED HER LESSON.

I DON'T CARE HOW OLD I GET,
I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMAN.

[ Man ] THE FEDERAL DISTRICT
COURT OF THE STATE OF WASHINGTON
IS NOW IN SESSION.

THE DEFENDANT WILL RISE.

[ Judge ]
FRANCES JAMES RENDA,

[ Whispering ]
YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY
OF THE CRIME...

OF TRAFFICKING
IN NARCOTICS.

DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY TO THIS COURT
BEFORE A SENTENCE IS PASSED ?

YES, YOUR HONOR.
I WANT TO THANK THE
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY...

FOR GIVING ME
A FAIR TRIAL.

I WANT HIM TO KNOW
THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS
IN SPITE OF THE OUTCOME.

AND I ALSO
WISH HIM A LOT OF LUCK
IN HIS FUTURE ENDEAVORS.

YOUR HONOR, PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW...

IF THE DEFENDANT'S REMARKS
ARE IN THE NATURE OF A THREAT.

THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
HAS ME ALL WRONG,
YOUR HONOR.

I'M A HARMLESS OLD MAN.
I DON'T MAKE THREATS.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE FOR A MOMENT THERE,

THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
WAS REALLY, REALLY SCARED.

[ Laughter ]
THAT WILL DO,
MR. STURGES.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
NOW, IF YOU TWO GENTLEMEN
ARE FINISHED,

I'D LIKE TO
PRONOUNCE SENTENCE.

FRANCES JAMES RENDA,

IT IS THE JUDGMENT
OF THIS COURT THAT YOU SERVE
NOT LESS THAN 50 YEARS...

IN THE FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL
INSTITUTE AT SHERIDAN, OREGON.

THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.

BAILIFF [ All rise ]
WE'LL APPEAL THIS.
DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL APPEAL, HUH ?

CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.
CONGRATULATIONS, JACK.
YOU'RE THE BEST.

THAT'S ONE MORE PIECE
OF GARBAGE OFF THE STREET.

MR. RENDA,
THIS WAY PLEASE.

WELL, THAT'S DONE.
WE CAN GO.

HEY, STURGES, YOU THINK
YOU'RE PRETTY TOUGH, DON'T YOU ?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, COUNSELOR.

YOU MAY BE ON TOP
OF THE SITUATION NOW,
BUT KEEP IN MIND...

THINGS HAVE A WAY
OF COMIN' AROUND.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

WELL, JOEY, IF YOU'RE
ONE OF THOSE THINGS
THAT COMES AROUND,

I'M GONNA STEP ON YOU
LIKE A BUG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

WHO WAS THAT GUY ?

THAT'S FRANK'S SON JOEY.
HE LOOKS DANGEROUS.

I'VE DEALT WITH A HUNDRED
OF THESE GUYS. THEY'RE JUST
CHEAP HOODS IN EXPENSIVE SUITS.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.

I'M GONNA GET
THIS GUY.

I THOUGHT I'D BRING MY STUFF
OVER AROUND NOON TOMORROW.
IS THAT OKAY ?

MMM. SURE.

YOU HAVE ROOM FOR MY BIG
BALL OF USED DENTAL FLOSS
OR NOT ?

OH, I'M SURE WE'LL
FIND ROOM FOR IT.

BEEN SAVING IT SINCE
I WAS THREE YEARS OLD.

HATE TO SEPARATE FROM IT.
IT MUST BE ABOUT 400 POUNDS NOW.

WHAT ? WHAT'D YOU SAY
YOU WERE BRINING ?

NOTHING. I JUST WANTED
TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.
YOU'VE BEEN DISTRACTED ALL DAY.

IS IT THE OPENING OF YOUR SHOW
OR IS SOMETHING ELSE
BOTHERING YOU ?

NO. NO, I GUESS I'VE JUST BEEN
THINKING ABOUT YOU MOVING IN
WITH ME AND BEN.

YOU'RE NOT HAVING SECOND
THOUGHTS, ARE YOU ?
NO.

NO. I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN.
IT'S BEN.

WHAT ? IT'S BEN ?

WAIT-WAIT-WAIT A MINUTE.

BEN DOESN'T WANT ME
TO MOVE IN ?

NO, I GUESS HE'S JUST NOT
COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA YET.

OH, WELL, IF THAT'S ALL YOU'RE
WORRIED ABOUT, RELAX.

I KNEW BEN WOULD HAVE
THOSE FEELINGS.

SO I WENT OUT AND GOT JUST
ABOUT EVERY BOOK I COULD FIND
ON STEP-PARENTING.

PRACTICALLY AN EXPERT.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT SEX,
ISN'T IT ?

PLEASE, BEN,
I'M YOUR MOTHER !

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND.

I ALREADY KNOW THAT WOMEN
REACH THEIR SEXUAL PEAK
IN THEIR 30s.

WHERE DID YOU PICK UP
THAT KIND OF STUFF ?

DONAHUE.

I'M GETTING RID
OF THE TELEVISION SET.

HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS ?
OH, GOOD ONE.

ANYWAY, IT'S NOT JUST
ABOUT SEX.

I THINK IT'D BE
A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU
TO HAVE AN ADULT MALE...

AROUND THE HOUSE
AS A ROLE MODEL.

WELL, WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT
TO BE LIKE DAD AND SPLITS
WITH HIS SECRETARY ?

HE'S NOT LIKE YOUR DAD.

ANYWAY, HIS SECRETARY'S
ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT IF
HE TURNS OUT TO BE
A SERIAL KILLER...

AND TRIES TO BOIL
OUR HEADS IN ACID ?

YOU'RE STRETCHING,
BENJAMIN.
THAT COULD HAPPEN.

THIS IS JUST A TRIAL PERIOD.
AND JACK'S GONNA KEEP
HIS OWN APARTMENT.

SO IF FOR SOME REASON
THINGS DON'T WORK OUT,

HE'LL GO BACK TO HIS PLACE.

AND YOU AND I WILL GO BACK
TO THE WAY WE WERE.

OKAY ?

DID YOU KNOW HE ACTUALLY
IRONS HIS JEANS ?

YES. AND I'M SURE YOU'RE
GOING TO TELL ME THAT MAKES
HIM AN AXE MURDERER.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
THAT FOR SURE.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT
A COMPULSION LIKE THAT...

GENERALLY INDICATES
A DEEPER PSYCHOSIS.

I HEARD IT ON GERALDO.

[ Sighing ]

LOOK, BEN.

I LOVE JACK AND I'D LIKE
TO HAVE A HUSBAND AGAIN.

BUT YOU'RE THE MOST
IMPORTANT MAN IN MY LIFE.

AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU,
IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

OKAY ? OKAY ?

YEAH, OKAY.

BUT I STILL THINK HE MIGHT TRY
AND BOIL OUR HEADS IN ACID.

I KNEW IT.

LET'S SEE.
STURGES. STURGES.

HMMM.
NOT HERE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT
A SERIAL KILLER.

IT JUST MEANS THEY
HAVEN'T CAUGHT HIM YET.

[ Door Opening,
Laughing ]

BEN, CAN YOU GIVE US
A HAND ?

I'VE GOT A SORE BACK.
MY DOCTOR SAYS I SHOULDN'T DO
ANY HEAVY LIFTING.

PERHAPS YOU CAN DO SOMETHING
LIGHT LIKE MAKE SOME ROOM
FOR JACK'S THINGS...

IN THE CLOSET
UNDER THE STAIRS.

BUT THAT'S WHERE WE KEEP
ALL THE STUFF WE COLLECT
ON THE BEACH.

WELL, WE CAN PUT IT SOMEWHERE
ELSE FOR THE TIME BEING.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT STUFF.

IT'LL BE FINE IF WE
PUT IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I DON'T NEED TO UNPACK
ALL MY STUFF RIGHT NOW.

I CAN JUST HOLD THIS.
IT'S MORE CONVENIENT
IF I NEED TO GET ANYTHING.

NO, IT'S NO TROUBLE.
IS IT, BENJAMIN ?

NO.

IT'S NO TROUBLE.

THANKS, BENNY.
I APPRECIATE IT.

HE'S CALLING ME
BENNY ALREADY.

I MEANT TO TELL YOU.
HE HATES TO BE CALLED BENNY.

NO BENNY ?
THANKS, BEN.

[ Jack ]
* SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN
WITH DINAH *

* SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN
I KNOW *

* SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN
WITH DINAH *

JACK ! COME ON, JACK !
* STRUMMING ON THE OL' BANJO

ARE YOU GONNA BE
IN THERE ALL NIGHT ?
* I'M SINGIN'

* FEE, FI, FIDDLY-I-OH
FEE, FI FIDDLY-I-OH-OH-OH *

* FEE, FI FIDDLY-I-OH
STRUMMING ON THE OL' BANJO *

* OH, DINAH, WON'T YOU BLOW
DINAH, WON'T YOU BLOW *

* DINAH, WON'T YOU BLOW--
[ Screaming ]

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE HOT WATER ?

IT'S AN OLD BUILDING, JACK.
SOMETIMES THE WATER JUST CUTS
RIGHT OUT. YOU NEVER KNOW.

BEN, I WAS SHOWERING.
I'M COVERED WITH SOAP.
COULD I JUST COME IN ?

[ Sighs, Giggles ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

BEN LOCKED ME OUT
OF THE BATHROOM.

YOU DON'T THINK HE DID IT
ON PURPOSE, DO YOU ?

'COURSE NOT.
I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL.

UGH !

WHOA ! WHAT IS ALL
THIS STUFF ?

[ Coughing ]
UHH ! WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS GUY ?

IS HE DECOMPOSING
OR SOMETHING ?

ALLERGY MEDICINE ? GREAT.

HE SMELLS BAD
AND HE'S A WIMP.
WHAT A ROLE MODEL.

HEY, MOM,
WHERE'S MY TOOTHPASTE ?

I CAN'T FIND ANY
OF MY STUFF !

EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE
TO DO THAT ?

SORRY. CAN'T RESIST
A PRETTY GIRL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
BUDDY ?

I'M 11. I HATE GIRLS.

OH, RIGHT, OF COURSE.

I USED TO BE 11 MYSELF.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

COOTIES, RIGHT ?

YEAH, RIGHT, COOTIES.

MOM, I CAN'T FIND MY TOOTHPASTE.
I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING.
ALL MY STUFF'S GONE.

IT'S NOT GONE. I PUT IT
IN THE CABINET ON THE FLOOR.
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR ?

BECAUSE JACK'S TALLER, SO IT
MAKES MORE SENSE FOR HIS STUFF
TO BE UP IN THE MEDICINE CHEST.

BUT, MOM--

IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU
FOR YOUR TOOTHPASTE
TO BE IN THE CABINET.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT FACE !

WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE SOME
ADJUSTMENTS AROUND HERE.

I'M THE ONE MAKING
ALL THE ADJUSTMENTS.

WELL, I'M BEAT.
GONNA TURN IN.

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING,
BENNY.

OOPS. SORRY, I MEANT BEN.
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, BEN.

OH, MOM, COULD I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE ?

I'M SORRY.

BEN SAID THE THOUGHT OF US
BEING IN THE SAME BED...

WOULD BE PSYCHOLOGICALLY
DAMAGING TO HIM.

DID HE ACTUALLY
USE THOSE WORDS ?
"PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING" ?

HE'S A VERY BRIGHT KID.
HE WATCHES PBS.

SO DO I, BUT I DON'T
TALK LIKE THAT.

I THINK IT'LL BE OKAY
IN A FEW DAYS. JUST LET HIM
GET USED TO THE SITUATION.

OKAY. OKAY.

AT LEAST NOW I'M GLAD
I HAD THAT COLD SHOWER.

THANK YOU.

I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

HEY, DON'T START ANYTHING
YOU CAN'T FINISH.

OKAY.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

THIS ISN'T SO BAD.

I CAN LIVE WITH THIS.

THIS SUCKS.

I'M NEVER GONNA
GET ANY SLEEP.

AHHH !

[ Groaning ]
JACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

NOTHING. JUST A LITTLE
LATE NIGHT SKATEBOARDING.

WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE ?

NOTHING.
NOTHING.

I HEARD A NOISE.
WHAT WAS IT ?

OH, THAT WAS ME. I--
JUST TRYING TO GET
TO THE BATHROOM...

WHEN I TRIPPED ON
THAT DARNED SKATEBOARD.

THE BATHROOM'S OVER THERE, JACK.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALREADY ?

OVER HERE ?

THERE IT IS !

GOT MY BEARINGS BACK.
THANKS, BEN.

GOOD NIGHT, MOTHER.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

** [ Humming ]

* STRUMMING ON THE OL' BANJO
AND SINGIN' *

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

OH, MORNING, BEN !

FOR SOME REASON, I DIDN'T SLEEP
WELL LAST NIGHT. SO I GOT
UP EARLY TO MAKE BREAKFAST.

DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU ?
COME AROUND IN HERE
AND SHUT THIS STOVE OFF.

WHAT IS ALL
THIS STUFF, ANYWAY ?

EGGS BENEDICT A LA STURGES,
MY BOY.

EGGS WHAT ?

POACHED EGGS
AND SLICE OF HAM
ON ENGLISH MUFFINS.

TOPPED OFF WITH
HOLLANDAISE SAUCE, MOST
OF WHICH IS ON THE COUNTER.

AND THE "A LA STURGES"
PART IS... CAVIAR.

DOES THE WORD "CHOLESTEROL"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, JACK ?

WELL, I DON'T EAT
LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME, BEN.
IT'S SORT OF A CELEBRATION.

AND HOW ABOUT
THE WORD "RECYCLE" ?

I MEAN, YOU PUT THE EGG SHELLS
IN WITH THE PAPER INSTEAD
OF THE ORGANIC MATERIAL.

OH, I JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD
FOUR DIFFERENT GARBAGE CANS.

LOOK, THIS ONE IS FOR PAPER,
THIS ONE IS FOR ALUMINUM,

THIS ONE IS FOR GLASS
AND THIS ONE IS FOR THE ORGANIC
MATERIALS, LIKE EGGSHELLS.

WELL, I'LL JUST PUT
THE EGGSHELLS OVER HERE THEN.
NO PROBLEM.

MMMM.
SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE ?

I MADE EGGS BENEDICT.

JACK'S TRYING TO KILL US
WITH ANIMAL FAT.

BEN AND I USUALLY JUST HAVE
A LITTLE GRANOLA, YOGURT,
SLICED FRUIT IN THE MORNING.

OH, OKAY, FINE,
I'LL JUST DUMP THIS STUFF
IN WITH THE ORGANIC MATERIAL...

AND WHIP UP SOME GRANOLA AND
SLICED FRUIT AND SOME YOGURT.

HOW'S THAT ?

DON'T BOTHER.
I'LL JUST PICK UP SOMETHING
ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL.

- BEN, DON'T FORGET TO--
- GOOD-BYE, MOTHER.

[ Door Slams ]

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE NOT GETTING
OFF TO A VERY GOOD START,
ARE WE ?

BEN AND I MAKE BREAKFAST
TOGETHER EVERY MORNING.
IT'S ONE OF OUR ROUTINES.

I'LL JUST MAKE A LIST
SO THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

GOOD IDEA.

A LOT OF HELP YOU'VE BEEN.

PAPER ONLY.

** [ Heavy Metal ]

[ Chattering ]

SOMEONE SURE IS HUNGRY.
HEY, MONROE, HOW YA DOIN' ?

DON'T THEY FEED YOU
AT HOME ?
I SKIPPED BREAKFAST.

MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND
TOOK OVER THE KITCHEN,
AND I WALKED OUT IN PROTEST.

WELL, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU
THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
ALWAYS DOES.

FIRST THING THEY DO
IS TAKE OVER THE BATHROOM
AND THE KITCHEN.

THEN THE SOFA AND THE TV.

MY ADVICE TO YOU IS
TO GET RID OF THIS GUY...
IMMEDIATELY.

IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY HARD.

MY MOM'S TRAPPED
IN THIS HUGE LOVE BUBBLE.
SHE'S NOT THINKING CLEARLY.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,
WHATEVER YOU DO,
YOU'D BETTER DO IT SOON.

'CAUSE IT'S MY OWN PERSONAL
EXPERIENCE THAT THE LONGER
A MOM LIVES WITH A GUY,

THE HARDER IT IS
TO GET RID OF HIM.

[ Pounding ]

[ Boy ] HELLO ?
CAN SOMEBODY GET ME
OUT OF HERE ?

IS THERE SOMEBODY IN THERE ?

YEAH, CAN YOU GET ME
OUT OF HERE, PLEASE ?

WHAT'S THE COMBINATION ?

THIRTY-EIGHT, 24, 36.

HI.

THANKS. BOY,
IT'S TIGHT IN THERE.

I'M NORMAN BRONSKI,
BY THE WAY.

I'M BEN, AND
THIS IS MONROE.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN YOUR LOCKER ?

DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE ON THE OUTSIDE
WHEN YOU LOCK IT UP ?

SOME BIG GUYS
WERE MAKING FUN OF ME.
THEY STUFFED ME IN THERE.

DOES THAT HAPPEN A LOT ?
JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY.

WELL, MAYBE THAT
DORKY-LOOKING INDIAN GETUP
HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

IT'S GOT EVERYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
I'M AN INDIAN GUIDE.

WHAT'S AN INDIAN GUIDE ?

THE YMCA INDIAN GUIDES
IS A PROGRAM DESIGNED
TO FOSTER UNDERSTANDING...

AND COMPANIONSHIP
BETWEEN FATHER AND SON.

WELL, NICE TALKING
TO YOU THERE, COCHISE.

WE GOT TO BE GOING.

HEY, TELL ME SOMETHING, NORM.
DO THE FATHERS HAVE TO DRESS
LIKE INDIANS TOO ?

OH, SURE. MY DAD WEARS THIS
HUGE HEADDRESS WITH A LOT
OF FEATHERS ON IT.

SOUNDS REAL EXCITING.
LET'S GO.

AND HOW DOES ONE JOIN
THIS CLUB, NORMAN ?
WHAT ?

HERE'S EVERYTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW. WE'D BE GLAD FOR YOU
AND YOUR DAD TO JOIN US.

OUR TRIBE'S ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR NEW MEMBERS.

WELL, I GOT TO GO.

NICE MEETING YOU GUYS.

IF YOU HAPPEN TO GO
BY THIS WAY TOMORROW,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK IF I'M
STUFFED IN MY LOCKER AGAIN.

SO LONG.

YOU CRAZY ?
YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO HANG
WITH A GOOF LIKE THAT ?

OF COURSE NOT.
THE WHOLE THING IS
STRICTLY TWILIGHT ZONE.

BUT THIS INDIAN GUIDE THING
COULD BE THE SOLUTION
TO MY PROBLEM.

I DON'T GET IT.

ARE YOU SURE HE WANTS
TO DO THIS ?

IT SAYS HERE THEY ACTUALLY
EAT NUTS AND BERRIES.

DOESN'T HE GET ENOUGH
OF THAT FOR BREAKFAST ?

WHAT ?
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

DID BEN SAY WHY HE WANTS US
TO DO THIS INDIAN GUIDE THING ?

HE SAID HE THOUGHT IT'D BE
A GOOD WAY FOR THE TWO OF YOU
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

BUT SANDY, THESE PEOPLE SIT
AROUND MAKING THINGS LIKE
FURRY REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS.

I MEAN, WHAT TRIBE OF INDIANS
IN ALL OF HISTORY EVER MADE
FURRY REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS ?

I THINK THE FACT THAT
BEN WANTS TO SPEND TIME
WITH YOU...

THAT'S A GOOD SIGN,
DON'T YOU ?

YES, I DO.

BUT WHY CAN'T HE WANT TO DO
SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE NORMAL ?

LIKE JOINING LITTLE LEAGUE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
HOW KIDS ARE.

THIS WEEK, THEY'RE EXCITED
ABOUT INDIAN GUIDES.

NEXT WEEK, THEY'RE EXCITED
ABOUT ROLLER HOCKEY.

JUST GIVE IT A TRY.
I MEAN, HOW BAD
CAN IT BE ?

[ Men And Boys ]
* PALS FOREVER, PALS FOREVER

* THAT'S OUR SLOGAN
THAT'S OUR SONG *

* BOYS ARE STRONGER
DADS FEEL YOUNGER *

* WHEN THEY TAKE
THE BOYS ALONG *

* MOMS ARE FOR IT
DADS ADORE IT *

* AND THE BOYS ALL THINK
IT'S FINE *

* PALS FOREVER, PALS FOREVER

* AS INDIAN GUIDES
WE'LL HAVE GOOD TIMES **

ALL RIGHT.
EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.

NOW, AS CHIEF OF THE MINOTAUK,
IT'S MY VERY SPECIAL
PLEASURE TONIGHT...

TO WELCOME TWO NEW MEMBERS
INTO THE TRIBE.

SO LET'S HEAR A VERY SPECIAL
GUIDE WELCOME FOR JACK AND BEN.

- WELCOME ! WELCOME !
- [ Cheering ]

* HEY-HA-WA-YA, BEN *

* HEY=HA-WA-YA, JACK *

* FINE, THANKS
HOW ARE YOU *

NO, NO, JACK, "HEY-HA-WA-YA"
IS THE OFFICIAL GREETING
OF THE MINOTAUK.

- OH.
- IT'S JUST OUR WAY OF SAYING,
"WELCOME. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YOU'RE AMONG FRIENDS."
I FEEL COMFORTABLE
ALREADY.

NOW THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE
THE WHOLE POINT IS TO JUST RELAX
AND HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF FUN.

RIGHT, GUIDES ?
[ Applause ]

ALL RIGHT.
WHICH IS WHY I'D LIKE
TO CALL UPON SILENT THUNDER...

WHO'S PREPARED
A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT
FOR TONIGHT'S MEETING.

-EXCUSE ME, CHIEF RUNNING HORSE.
POINT OF ORDER.
-YES ?

I BELIEVE IT IS CUSTOMARY AT
THIS JUNCTURE FOR NEW MEMBERS
TO PICK NAMES FOR EACH OTHER.

OF COURSE. ONCE AGAIN,
SILVER FOX HAS NAILED THE CHIEF
ON A POINT OF ORDER.

I JUST BELIEVE
IT'S IMPORTANT
TO FOLLOW THE RULES...

TO SET AN EXAMPLE
FOR THE YOUNGSTERS.

RED'S OUR TRIBAL SECRETARY.
HE'S MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE
GUIDE MANUAL. WORD FOR WORD.

IT TOOK ME SIX MONTHS.

REALLY ?
YOU MUST BE VERY PROUD.

YOU SEE, JACK AND BEN,
FATHERS AND SONS PICKING INDIAN
NAMES FOR EACH OTHER...

IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
INDIAN GUIDE RITUALS.

FOR EXAMPLE, I'M RUNNING HORSE
AND THIS IS MY SON DARK EAGLE.

OH, I SEE, THEY'RE
ALL ANIMAL NAMES.

YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
SO YOU WANT TO GO FIRST ?

WELL, I SHOULD WARN YOU,
I'M NOT VERY GOOD
AT THIS KIND OF THING--

JACK, IT'S EASY.

YEAH, COME ON, JACK,
GIVE IT A SHOT.
HOW HARD COULD IT BE ?

I HAVE A LIST OF PRE-APPROVED
INDIAN NAMES, IF IT WOULD
BE OF ANY HELP.

RED, RED, I THINK JACK
CAN JUST WING IT.

SURE, OKAY, WELL,
IF I'M JUST GONNA WING IT,

HOW 'BOUT, UM, LITTLE WING.

GOOD NAME. GOOD SONG TOO.
JIMI HENDRIX.

I'VE GOT THE ALBUM.
"AXIS: BOLD AS LOVE."

ALL RIGHT, GUIDES, FROM NOW ON,
BEN'S NEW TRIBAL NAME
WILL BE LITTLE WING.

[ Cheering ]

ALL RIGHT.
FLY ON, LITTLE WING, YEAH.

OKAY, BEN, YOUR TURN NOW.
PICK A NAME FOR JACK.

SOMETHING THAT TELLS US
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM.

HOW ABOUT SQUATTING DOG ?

SQUATTING DOG ?
THAT'S THE BEST
YOU COULD COME UP WITH ?

WELL, I HAD A DOG ONCE
WHO HAD A TERRIBLE CASE
OF THE SQUIRTS.

HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

DID YOU HAVE
ANY OTHER PETS ?

I HAD A SQUIRREL
NAMED NUMBNUTS.

I'M GONNA GO
WITH SQUATTING DOG.

OKAY. GOOD NAME.

FUNNY NAME. MINOTAUK
APPRECIATES A SENSE OF HUMOR.

ALL RIGHT, GUIDES, FROM NOW ON,
JACK'S NEW TRIBAL NAME
WILL BE SQUATTING DOG.

[ Cheering ]

OKAY, NOW, SILENT THUNDER,
THE FLOOR IS YOURS.

ALL RIGHT. GO, DAD !

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.
LLOYD'S BEEN PREPARING
THIS ALL WEEK.

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Sneezing, Coughing ]

[ Laughing ]

WHAT'S GOING ON ?
OH, I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

SILENT THUNDER'S A CIRCUS
PERFORMER. HE LIKES TO EXPRESS
HIMSELF WITHOUT WORDS.

HE'S PRETTY GOOD AT IT,
ISN'T HE ?

** [ Radio Stations
Changing ]

**

* DON'T SPEAK

* JUST KEEP MOVING

* DON'T SPEAK

**

* DON'T SPEAK

* JUST KEEP MOVING

* DON'T SPEAK

* JUST KEEP MOVING

* DON'T STOP NOW *

BRAVO ! SILENT THUNDER !
[ Applause, Laughter ]

ALL RIGHT !

VERY GOOD, SILENT THUNDER.
VERY FUNNY !

ALL RIGHT. LET'S KEEP
THE GOOD TIMES ROLLING, GUIDES.

WHO'S UP FOR A GAME
OF SCRAMBLED MOCCASINS ?

- POINT OF ORDER THERE, CHIEF.
- YES, RED, WHAT IS IT NOW ?

I BELIEVE WE PLAYED
SCRAMBLED MOCCASINS
AT LAST WEEK'S MEETING.

AND SINCE WE DECIDED
TO VARY THE GAMES
FROM WEEK TO WEEK,

WE SHOULD BE ONTO
EITHER POTATO BOWLING
OR PASS THE GRAPEFRUIT.

ARE YOU SURE ? I COULD HAVE
SWORN WE PLAYED SCRAMBLED
BIRCH BARK LAST WEEK.

NO, ACCORDING TO
MY NOTES, UH, WE MADE
MACARONI NAME TAGS.

SILENT THUNDER SERVED CHOCOLATE
CORN BREAD AND FRUIT PUNCH.

CHIEF RUNNING HORSE GAVE
AN INTERESTING TALK
ON WHY WE HAVE NASAL HAIR.

YEAH, YEAH, HERE IT IS.
SCRAMBLED MOCCASINS.

OKAY, THEN. GUIDES,
SHOW OF FEATHERS. WHO'S UP
FOR A GAME OF POTATO BOWLING ?

WHOO-OO-OO-OO-OO.

ALL RIGHT !
THEN LET'S GET READY
TO RUMBLE !

AND JACK AND BEN,
AS NEW MEMBERS,

YOU HAVE THE HONOR
OF HURLING THE FIRST SPUD.

[ Applause ]
YEA !

**

I'M TELLING YOU, MONROE,
ADULTS ARE SO EASY
TO FIGURE OUT, IT'S SCARY.

AS SOON AS I SAID I LIKED IT,
HE SAID HE LIKED IT.

YES.
BUT HE HATED IT, RIGHT ?

OH, TOTALLY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.

WE ALL HAD TO PLAY THIS STUPID
GAME WHERE YOU ROLL POTATOES
ALONG THE FLOOR...

TO SEE WHO COULD GET 'EM
CLOSEST TO A BIG CIRCLE
ON A HUGE PIECE OF NEWSPAPER.

I DON'T SEE HOW
YOU CAN STAND IT, MAN.

WELL, FORTUNATELY, I WON'T
HAVE TO STAND IT MUCH LONGER.

THERE'S A BIG, DOPEY CAMP OUT
THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.

WE HAVE TO SLEEP OUTSIDE
IN SOMEONE'S BACKYARD.

I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WHITE PEOPLE LIKE
TO SLEEP OUTSIDE ON THE GROUND.

YOU'LL NEVER CATCH
NO BROTHERS DOING THAT.

AND JUST IN CASE
THAT ISN'T QUITE BAD ENOUGH,

I TOLD JACK THAT ALL THE OTHER
FATHERS WERE DRESSING UP
LIKE AUTHENTIC INDIANS.

SO HE WENT OUT AND RENTED
A COMPLETE COSTUME TO SHOW ME
HOW ENTHUSIASTIC HE IS.

ARE ANY OF THE OTHER FATHERS
DRESSING UP LIKE INDIANS ?

OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE THE DEVIL,
MAN.

YES !

[ Boy ]
WHEN IS THE FOOD READY ?
I'M HUNGRY.

[ Running Horse ]
ALL RIGHT.
JUICY BURGERS COMING UP !

HEY, CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME
A HAND WITH THIS TENT ?

SURE,
I'LL HELP YOU.
HEY, JACK.

JACK, NICE COSTUME.
VERY AUTHENTIC.

BUT WE USUALLY DON'T GET
DRESSED UP EXCEPT FOR REALLY
BIG SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE
TOLD YOU.

WELL, IT'S OKAY. I--

I JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE THIS
LYING AROUND IN MY CLOSET,
ANYWAY.

YEAH, LOOKS GREAT TOO.
LISTEN, I GOTTA FIRE UP
THE BARBECUE.

BUT, UH,
WE'LL TALK LATER ?

HEY, JACK, YOU NEED TO GET
YOUR FACE PAINTED
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

[ Boy ] I'M HUNGRY !
WHEN ARE WE EATING ?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID ALL THE OTHER
FATHERS WERE GOING TO BE WEARING
INDIAN COSTUMES TOO.

SORRY, I GUESS I MISUNDERSTOOD.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME.

NO. HONEST MISTAKE,
I GUESS.

NO HARM. NO FOUL.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT KIND OF PAINT IS THAT ?
I-I-I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.

AH, IT'S NOT REALLY PAINT.
IT'S JUST A WATERCOLOR.
OH.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I HAVE
A TENDENCY TO BREAK OUT.

DON'T WORRY.
I CHECKED THE LABEL.

YOU DID ?
WELL, THANKS.
YEAH.

THAT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL
OF YOU, BEN.
NO PROBLEM.

[ Running Horse ]
HEY, EVERYBODY,
I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA.

LET'S HAVE A GRAPEFRUIT RELAY.
[ Boys ]
YEAH !

HOW ABOUT IT, JACK ?
ARE YOU UP FOR IT ?
OH, SURE, CAN'T WAIT.

YOU KNOW, I COULD PROBABLY
POP A ROUND INTO STURGES'
SKULL FROM RIGHT HERE.

FROM HERE ?
WITH WHAT ?
A .38.

GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT.
A .38 WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT
ACROSS THE STREET.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
A .22 SUPER SPEED
HAS ENOUGH VELOCITY...

TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS BRAIN
AND INTO THE NEXT COUNTY.

I TOLD YOU GUYS
WE GOTTA MAKE THIS
LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT...

SO THE WHOLE THING DON'T
COME BACK ON MY OLD MAN.

NOW FORGET THE .38s
AND THE .22s.

THINK ACCIDENTAL DEATH.

UNDERSTAND ?

OKAY, GUIDES, ALL READY
FOR THE BIG GRAPEFRUIT RELAY ?
[ Boys ] YEAH !

DOWN TO THE END OF THE YARD
AND BACK AGAIN. AND REMEMBER,
THE RULE IS:

YOU CAN'T TOUCH YOUR FRUIT
WITH YOUR HANDS.

ON YOUR MARKS.
GET SET.

GO !
[ Cheering ]

JACK, THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

DO YOU THINK IT COULD WAIT
UNTIL WE DON'T HAVE GRAPEFRUITS
UNDER OUR CHIN ?

YEAH, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT
IN FRONT OF THE OTHERS.

SEE, NORMAN TOLD ME YOU'RE
NOT REALLY BEN'S FATHER.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE,
I'M NOT.

GEEZ, I HOPE THAT DOESN'T MEAN
BEN AND I HAVE TO LEAVE
THE INDIAN GUIDES.

NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
OH. YOU'RE SURE
ABOUT THAT ?

YEAH.
MAYBE YOU BETTER CHECK
WITH RED FIRST.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
I'M NOT NORMAN'S FATHER,
EITHER. I'M HIS STEPFATHER.

THING BROKE OPEN ON ME.
I'M STARTING TO GET JUICE
DOWN MY CHEST.

REMEMBER, NO HANDS !
COME ON !
GET THE GRAPEFRUIT !

I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH WITH BEN.

SO IF YOU EVER NEED ANY
ADVICE OR ANYTHING.

I APPRECIATE IT.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

BUT I THINK I'M DOING FINE
ON MY OWN. REALLY.

OKAY, BUT IF YOU EVER WANT
TO TALK, I'M THERE.
OKAY.

CAN'T GET ANY WORSE
THAN THIS.

YOUR HONOR,

THE U.S. ATTORNEY'S
APPEARANCE HERE INDICATES...

A COMPLETE LACK OF RESPECT
BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
FOR OUR CASE,

AND I MOVE
FOR A MISTRIAL.

THANK YOU, MR. RED CROW,
I'LL TAKE THAT UNDER ADVISEMENT.

MR. STURGES,
WOULD YOU CARE TO COMMENT ?

YOUR HONOR, I ASSURE YOU,
I MEANT ABSOLUTELY
NO DISRESPECT TO THE PLAINTIFF.

LEONARD, REALLY,
IT'S JUST A RASH.

IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE
WAR PAINT, JACK.

ALTHOUGH, THE HAPPY FACE
IS NOT TECHNICALLY
A NATIVE SYMBOL.

[ Chuckling ]

WAR PAINT, JACK ?

THE SALISH INDIAN TRIBE
SUES THE U.S. GOVERNMENT
OVER INDIGENOUS LAND RIGHTS,

AND YOU SHOW
UP IN WAR PAINT ?

GOOD GOD, JACK, THIS IS
THE '90s. HAVEN'T YOU HEARD
OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ?

OF COURSE I HAVE.

LOOK, THIS SALISH THING IS
A VERY SENSITIVE ISSUE FOR US...

SO I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO TAKE YOU OFF THE CASE.

COME ON, BOB, ISN'T THAT
A LITTLE DRASTIC ? THIS RASH
WILL GO AWAY IN 24 HOURS.

I CAN GET A CONTINUANCE.
IT'S NOT JUST THE RASH.

IT'S YOUR BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL.
YOU'VE CANCELED MEETINGS.
YOU'RE UNPREPARED.

I'M SORRY, BOB.
I EXPLAINED THAT TO YOU.

I KNOW, I KNOW.
THE, UH, THE INDIAN
THING WITH THE STEPSON.

IT'S TAKEN UP A LOT MORE
OF MY TIME THAN I THOUGHT
IT WOULD.

I CAN UNDERSTAND
AND I CAN SYMPATHIZE.

BUT FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE !

WE HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB
TO DO HERE, JACK.

I SUGGEST YOU GET
YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER.
AM I MAKING MYSELF UNDERSTOOD ?

I'VE BEEN WORKING
WITH THE U.S. ATTORNEY'S
OFFICE 15 YEARS.

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN TAKEN OFF
A CASE 'TIL THIS MORNING.

I'M SORRY. I DID MY BEST.
BUT THIS WHOLE INDIAN GUIDE
THING IS JUST NOT WORKING.

COULDN'T YOU JUST GIVE IT
ANOTHER CHANCE ?

I CAN'T DO IT, SANDY.

IT'S INTERFERING
WITH MY WORK.

I MEAN, I CAN EITHER BE
A UNITED STATES ATTORNEY
OR AN INDIAN GUIDE'S FATHER.

I CAN'T BE BOTH.

YOU DO SEE MY POINT,
DON'T YOU ?

I SUPPOSE SO.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW
I'M GONNA TELL BEN.

NOBODY HAS TO TELL ME ANYTHING.
I HEARD THE WHOLE THING.

YOU KNOW, I KNEW
THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING
TO HAVE FUN, AND MAKE NEW
FRIENDS, HE WANTS TO QUIT.

LOOK, SWEETHEART, THERE'S
LOTS OF OTHER THINGS YOU
AND JACK CAN DO TOGETHER.

SURE, WE CAN GO
TO BASEBALL GAMES, MOVIES--

YEAH, RIGHT, UNTIL YOU GET
TIRED OF THEM AND QUIT.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GONNA
BE JUST LIKE DAD.

I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING
LIKE THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

DON'T YOU THINK
HE'S OVERREACTING A LITTLE ?

I MEAN, THIS IS JUST ABOUT
THE STUPID INDIAN GUIDES.

NO, JACK, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT
THE STUPID INDIAN GUIDES.

I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING
TO BE A DIFFICULT ADJUSTMENT
FOR BEN TO MAKE.

YOU SAID, "OH, NO, DON'T WORRY,
I'M AN EXPERT. I'VE GOT ALL
THE BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT."

I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

WELL, IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE GOOD ENOUGH, DOES IT ?

NOW WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN ?

IT MEANS--

IT MEANS--

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I MADE A MISTAKE.

MAYBE THIS IS ALL
HAPPENING TO SOON.

MAYBE I SHOULD WAIT
UNTIL BEN IS OLDER AND ABLE
TO HANDLE THIS BETTER.

MAYBE WE'D ALL BE ABLE
TO HANDLE IT BETTER.

[ Sighing ]

[ Sighs ]

YOU REALLY THINK YOU MADE
A MISTAKE ? 'CAUSE IF YOU DO,
I'LL MOVE BACK TO MY PLACE.

I JUST WANTED
EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT.

I WANT THE THREE OF US
TO BECOME A FAMILY.

WELL, I WANT THAT TOO.

SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO REARRANGE MY SCHEDULE...

SO THAT I CAN BE A U.S. ATTORNEY
AND AN INDIAN GUIDE FATHER.

ARE YOU SURE ?

IF CHET BRONSKI AND RED SWEENEY
AND THAT CIRCUS GUY CAN DO IT,
I CAN DO IT.

[ Sighs ]

BETTER GO UPSTAIRS
AND APOLOGIZE AND EAT
A LITTLE YOU KNOW WHAT.

I DID IT, MONROE. I DID IT !
I THINK I BROKE THE LOVE BUBBLE.

YEAH, AND NOT A MINUTE
TOO SOON.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
I COULD'VE PUT UP WITH
THOSE INDIAN GEEKS.

YEAH, HE QUIT !
AND THEN I WENT INTO
MY "UPSET CHILD" ACT.

THEY STARTED TO FIGHT, AND SHE
TOLD HIM SHE WAS GONNA WAIT...

'TIL I'M OLDER AND
BETTER ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

YEAH, THE GUY'S HISTORY.
I FIGURE HE'LL BE BACK
IN TACOMA BY TOMORROW.

DID YOU SPEAK
TO HIM ?
WHAT ?

DID YOU SPEAK TO HIM ?

OH, NO.
HE WAS ON THE PHONE.

I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK
TO DO ANYWAY. I'LL TALK
TO HIM IN THE MORNING.

[ Chattering ]

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Saw Buzzing ]

CHET.
[ Gasps ]

SORRY.
DID I SCARE YOU ?
JACK.

OH, I'M SORRY.
THEY TOLD ME IN THE OFFICE
YOU'D BE DOWN HERE.

YEAH, WELL, THIS IS
MY CLASSROOM, 15 YEARS NOW.
UH-HUH.

AHH ! ADRENALIN !

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU AROUND ?
WANNA MAKE A SPICE RACK
FOR YOUR MOM ?

[ Chuckling ]
OH, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, THE THING OF IT IS,
I, UH, WELL--

I DRIVE BY HERE EVERY
MORNING ON MY WAY TO WORK.

AND, UH, WELL, I THOUGHT
MAYBE, YOU KNOW--

YOU KNOW, I JUST THOUGHT
I MIGHT DROP BY--
SAY, THIS IS NICE !

WHAT IS IT ?
THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE
TO CALL A HAMMER, JACK.

OH, OF COURSE.

TELL ME SOMETHING, JACK.
DOES IT TAKE YOU THIS LONG
TO GET TO THE POINT IN COURT ?

ACTUALLY, ADDRESSING A JURY
IS A LOT EASIER THAN WHAT
I CAME HERE TO DO.

I NEED TO ASK YOUR ADVICE
ON SOMETHING.

IT'S AMAZING HOW DIFFICULT IT IS
FOR US GUYS TO ASK EACH OTHER
FOR ANYTHING, ISN'T IT ?

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
BUT THAT'S OKAY.

WE'RE ALL MEMBERS
OF THE SAME TRIBE.
YEAH, THE MINOTAUK.

NO, I MEAN THE EMOTIONALLY
CONSTIPATED AMERICAN MALE
OVER 40.

NOW WHAT CAN I HELP YOU
WITH, JACK ?

WELL, IT'S BEN.

HE'S BEEN DOING EVERYTHING HE
CAN DO GET RID OF ME. FRANKLY,
I THINK HE HATES MY GUTS.

HE DOESN'T HATE YOUR GUTS.
HE'S JUST SCARED.

SCARED YOU'RE
GONNA TAKE AWAY THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING IN HIS LIFE.

HIS MOM.

NORMAN DID THE VERY
SAME THING TO ME.

TRIED TO GET RID OF ME
FOR MONTHS.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO ? I MEAN,
YOU AND NORMAN SEEM TO HAVE
A GREAT RELATIONSHIP NOW.

WELL, I JUST KEPT AT IT.
AND AT IT AND AT IT.

THAT'S WHERE THE
INDIAN GUIDES CAME IN.
HELPED A LOT, ACTUALLY.

INDIAN GUIDES HELPED ?
HOW ?

BY LEVELING
THE PLAYING FIELD.

SEE, ONE OF THE BEST
WAYS TO REACH A KID...

IS TO NOT BE AFRAID
TO BE A KID YOURSELF
NOW AND AGAIN.

IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT IT'D
BE A LOT EASIER THAN THIS.

OH, JACK, RAISING KIDS IS
ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT
THINGS IN THE WORLD.

BUT IN THE END,
IT'S WORTH IT.
BELIEVE ME.

YOU KNOW, CHET,
IT'S FUNNY.

I CAN STAND UP TO SOME OF THE
TOUGHEST HOODS IN THE COUNTRY.
DOESN'T PHASE ME A BIT.

BUT AN 11 YEAR OLD KID,
THAT'S REALLY SCARY.

YEAH, WELCOME
TO THE CLUB, JACK.

THANKS, CHET.

**

* HIT THE ROAD, JACK
AND DON'T YOU COME BACK *

* NO MORE, NO MORE
NO MORE, NO MORE *

* HIT THE ROAD, JACK
AND DON'T YOU
COME BACK NO MORE *

* HIT THE ROAD, JACK
AND DON'T YOU COME BACK *

* NO MORE, NO MORE
NO MORE, NO MORE *

* HIT THE ROAD, JACK-- *

[ Jack ] BEN, BEN,
ONE OF THE GREAT MEN.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

WHAT'S GOING ON ?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING.

WHY WOULD I LEAVE ?
I LIVE HERE.

JACK'S DECIDED NOT TO QUIT
THE INDIAN GUIDES AFTER ALL.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL ?
YOU'RE KIDDING.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.
AND TO PROVE IT, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET SOMEONE.

BEN, THIS IS LEONARD RED CROW.
LEONARD, MEET BEN.

HOW.

EXCUSE ME, DID YOU
JUST SAY "HOW" ?

JUST KIDDING.
I ALWAYS LIKE TO SAY THAT.
IT MAKES PEOPLE LAUGH.

LEONARD'S THE CHIEF
OF THE SALISH INDIAN TRIBE.

I'VE ASKED HIM TO HELP MAKE
THE MINOTAUK THE BEST TRIBE IN
THE WHOLE INDIAN GUIDE NATION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT ?
GREAT.

I KNEW YOU'D
BE THRILLED.

THE TEACHING OF VALUES
AND SKILLS TO CHILDREN...

HAS ALWAYS BEEN A VERY
IMPORTANT PART OF INDIAN LIFE.

BESIDES, I CAN USE THE BEADS
AND TRINKETS JACK OFFERED ME.

[ Laughing ]

I'M JUST KIDDING AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, BEN, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO LEARN TO LOOSEN UP.

- [ Snickering ]
- LEONARD'S GOING TO TEACH US
HOW TO DO A REAL RAIN DANCE.

A RAIN DANCE ?
THIS IS SEATTLE.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT ?

WHO DO YOU THINK'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR ALL THE RAIN ?

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

**

* GIVE ME THE MUSIC

* GIVE ME THE MUSIC

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

**

** EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* YEAH-YEAH, YEAH-YEAH

* YEAH-YEAH
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW *

* YEAH-YEAH, YEAH-YEAH

* YEAH-YEAH, EVERYBODY

* HERE IS THE DOME
THAT WAS THE PLACE *

* BUT JAM WAS LIVE AND THE BEST
AND I DON'T WASTE TIME *

* OFF THE MIKE
WITH THE DOPE RHYME *

* JUMP TO THE RHYTHM, JUMP
JUMP TO THE RHYTHM, JUMP *

* AND I'M HERE TO COMBINE
BEATS AND LYRICS *

* THAT MAKE YOU SHAKE YOUR PANTS
TAKE A CHANCE *

* COME AND DANCE
GUYS, GRAB A GIRL *

* DON'T WAIT
MAKE A SQUIRREL *

* IT'S YOUR WORLD
AND I'M JUST A SQUIRREL *

* TRYING TO GET A NUT TO MOVE
YOUR BUTT TO THE DANCE
FLOOR *

* SO, YO, WHAT'S UP
HANDS IN THE AIR, COME ON *

* SAY YEAH, EVERYBODY OVER HERE
EVERYBODY OVER THERE *

* THE CROWD IS LIVE
AND I WILL FOOL THIS FOOL *

* PARTY PEOPLE
IN THE HOUSE, MOVE *

* NEXT IN LINE
* GROOVE

* WORK ME ALL NIGHT

* COME ON
LET'S SWEAT, BABY *

* LET THE MUSIC
TAKE CONTROL *

* LET THE RHYTHM MOVE YOU

* SWEAT, SWEAT

* LET THE MUSIC TAKE CONTROL
LET THE RHYTHM MOVE YOU *

**

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

**

* PAUSE, TAKE A BREATH
GO FOR YOURS ON MY COMMAND *

* NOW HIT THE DANCE FLOOR
IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT
'TIL YOU BLEED *

* IS THAT DOPE ENOUGH
INDEED *

* I PAY THE PRICE
I ROLL THE DICE *

* I'M MORE PRECISE
TO THE POINT, I'M NICE *

* THE MUSIC TAKES CONTROL
YOUR HEART AND SOUL UNFOLDS *

* YOUR BODY IS FREE AND BEHOLD
DANCE 'TIL YOU CAN'T *

* DANCE 'TIL YOU CAN'T
DANCE NO MORE *

* GET ON THE FLOOR
AND GET RAW *

* AND THEN COME BACK
AND UPSIDE DOWN, EASY NOW *

* AND LET ME SEE YOU MOVE
* NEXT IN LINE

* GROOVE
* WORK ME ALL NIGHT

* THE MUSIC IS MY LIFE

**

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* EVERYBODY
COME ON, LET'S SWEAT, BABY *

* LET THE MUSIC TAKE CONTROL
LET THE RHYTHM MOVE YOU *

* SWEAT, SWEAT

* LET THE MUSIC TAKE CONTROL
LET THE RHYTHM MOVE YOU *

** [ Scatting ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Jack ] HEY, HEY,
WE DID IT, BEN !
[ Red ]
OH, MY GOSH, IT'S RAINING !

WE DID IT !
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ?
WE DID IT. I DON'T BELIEVE IT !

[ Cheering, Chattering ]

[ Together ]
GOD, LOOK AT ALL THIS RAIN !
IT'S POURING !

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Knocking ]
BEN ! HARD COPY'S ON.

BEN, YOU AWAKE ?

I GUESS
HE'S NOT COMING.

[ Sighs ]
HE'S EXHAUSTED.

I DON'T BLAME HIM.
I'M TIRED TOO.

YEAH, YOU SHOULD GET
TO BED EARLY TONIGHT.
YEAH.

IN FACT, UM--

IN FACT, WE CAN GO
TO BED RIGHT NOW.

OH, I CAN'T.
I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO.
HONEY--

WE HAVEN'T BEEN ALONE
IN SUCH A LONG TIME.
OH, SANDY--

I PROMISE IT WON'T TAKE MORE
THAN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

OKAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

COME ON, JACK !
DO I HAVE TO ?

BUT I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED NORM.

WELL, YEAH,
HE'S OKAY, I GUESS.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ?

WELL, SEEING HIM
FOR INDIAN GUIDES
IS ONE THING,

BUT HAVING HIM SLEEP OVER
AT MY HOUSE IS SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

LOOK... NORM'S DAD
TOLD ME HE DOESN'T HAVE
A LOT OF FRIENDS,

AND I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE
KIND OF A NICE GESTURE.

SO DO ME
THIS ONE FAVOR, OKAY ?

WELL, HANGING OUT WITH A GUY
LIKE THAT WON'T DO MUCH FOR
MY REPUTATION, YOU KNOW ?

YEAH, WE WOULDN'T
WANT IT GETTING AROUND
WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL DO IT.

BUT JUST THIS ONCE,
OKAY ?

GOOD. AND TO MAKE IT
REALLY SPECIAL,

I EVEN GOT YOU GUYS
AN AUTHENTIC INDIAN TEPEE.

CHET'S SETTING IT UP
THIS AFTERNOON.

HE'S GONNA SET UP
A TEPEE ? WHERE ?

[ Sirens Wailing,
Horns Honking ]

IT WAS REAL NICE OF YOU
TO INVITE ME TO SLEEP OVER, BEN.

YEAH, SURE. NO SWEAT.
GLAD TO DO IT.

'CAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER BEEN INVITED TO
SLEEP OVER AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL, NORM.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS FOR ME ?

IT MUST'VE COST YOU
A FORTUNE.

NOT REALLY.
I MADE IT MYSELF.

ALL THIS BEADWORK
MUST'VE TAKEN FOREVER.

WELL... I HAVEN'T MUCH ELSE
TO DO WITH MY TIME,

AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO HAVE IT.

I GOTTA BE HONEST
WITH YOU, NORM.

I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU'D DO SOMETHING
LIKE THIS.

BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

AND BECAUSE WE'RE ALL PART OF
THE SAME TRIBE AND EVERYTHING.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
YOU CAN TELL ME. MY
FEELINGS WON'T GET HURT.

I LIKE IT VERY MUCH, NORM.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ?
I GOT AN IDEA.

YOU WANNA GO DOWN TO MY ROOM
AND PLAY SOME VIDEO GAMES ?

WOULD I EVER !
LET'S DO IT.

I JUST GOT THE NEW
SUBHUMANOID SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5000.

IT'S REALLY COOL,
BUT IT'S HARD.

I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT HAD COME OUT YET.

I'M STILL PLAYING ON THE
SUBHUMANOID SLAUGHTERHOUSE 2000.

THE 2000'S FOR WIMPS.
THE 5000'S WAY BETTER !

WHEN YOU KILL GAKMO,
THE SUBHUMANOID COMMANDER,

HIS HEAD EXPLODES
LIKE A GIGANTIC ZIT.

COOL !

BUT YOU GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR
DOUGLAS THE VAMPIRE TROLL.

HE'S GOT THESE HYPER-SPEED
PLASMA ROCKETS THAT'LL MELT
ALL YOUR SKIN RIGHT OFF.

WAY GROSS !
IT'S THE BEST !

[ Chattering ]

HEY, MONROE.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ?

IT'S AN INDIAN VEST.
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE ?

IT LOOKS LIKE GAKMO THE
SUBHUMANOID'S HEAD EXPLODED
ALL OVER YOUR SHIRT.

WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS
ALL OVER IT ?

THESE HAPPEN TO BE
AUTHENTIC INDIAN BEADS, MONROE.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
GETTING A LITTLE HEAVY
WITH THIS INDIAN THING ?

YOU KNOW, I KNEW YOU
WERE GONNA GET ON MY CASE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ?
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS WE THOUGHT.

I'VE LEARNED
A LOT OF COOL STUFF.

FOR EXAMPLE, DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO SHOOT A BOW AND ARROW...

OR THROW A TOMAHAWK ?
NO.

WELL, I DO.

THAT SHOULD COME IN
REAL HANDY THE NEXT TIME
YOU GO BUFFALO HUNTING.

AND NEXT WEEKEND
WE'RE GOING ON A CANOE TRIP.

WE'RE GONNA GO OVER WHITE WATER
RAPIDS AND EVERYTHING.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT !

GEE, SORRY I CAN'T COME.

NICE INDIAN BEADS,
BUDDY.
WHAT'S WITH THE VEST ?

I DON'T WANT HIM.
YOU TAKE HIM !

CAN I JOIN YOUR
INDIAN CLUB TOO, PLEASE ?

LOOKS LIKE CHINGACH-DORK
IS GETTING SHOVED
INTO HIS LOCKER AGAIN.

SEE WHAT DRESSING UP
LIKE AN INDIAN GETS YOU ?

HEY, WH-WHERE YOU GOIN' ?

I'M GONNA HELP HIM OUT.

HEY ! WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING ?

TALKIN' TO US, PUNK ?

I CAN'T WATCH THIS.

LET HIM GO...
OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

WHOO ! YO ! YAH !

[ Shouts Continue ]

OOOOH ! WAH ! WAH !

[ Ben ]
SORRY ABOUT THAT, NORM,
BUT I THOUGHT IT'D WORK.

[ Norm ]
THAT'S OKAY, BEN.
I APPRECIATE THE EFFORT.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT SO BAD IN HERE.
IT'S KIND OF PEACEFUL.

YEAH, IT'S AMAZING
HOW YOU GET USED TO IT
AFTER A WHILE.

[ Pounding ]
HELLO ? ANYBODY OUT THERE ?

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US ?

[ Pounding Continues ]
HELLO !

[ Chattering ]

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE READY
FOR THE BIG CANOE TRIP ?
YEAH !

YOU'RE GONNA GO OVER
A LOT OF WHITE WATER RAPIDS.
YEAH !

SOME OF US
MIGHT FALL OUT.
YEAH !

BE TORN TO BITS
BY A MAN-EATING SALMON.
YEAH !

ALL RIGHT, AS SOON AS JACK
GETS HERE, WE'RE VAPOR.
YEAH !

SO, BEN, DID, UH--
DID JACK MENTION WHEN HE'S
GONNA, UH, BE HERE ?

WELL, HE SAID HE HAD TO FINISH
SOME WORK AT THE OFFICE,

BUT HE PROMISED
HE'D BE HERE BY NOON.

HEY, IF HE PROMISED,
THEN HE'LL BE HERE.

OH, GREAT, I'M GONNA BE LATE !
I CAN'T BE LATE !

[ Tires Screeching ]

THIS IS IT !

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE ?
MY BRAKES ARE OUT !

BYE-BYE, STURGES.
HAVE A NICE LIFE.

[ Tires Screeching,
Horns Honking ]

OHHH ! AAAH !

[ Grunting, Groaning ]

WHOA ! WATCH IT !
[ Honking Horn ]

[ Tires Screeching,
Horns Honking ]

OH, NO !

[ Bus Horn Honking,
Tires Skidding ]

- [ Truck Horn Honking ]
- [ Gasps ]

NO BRAKES !
SORRY, NO BRAKES !

[ Gasps ]

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING ?
DID YOU SEE THAT ?
HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO !

HEY, COME ON, BOB,
FOLLOW ME !

WHAT HAPPENED OVER HERE ?
COME ON, BUDDY !
MOVE IT !

BITCHIN' !
THROW HIM A LINE !

[ Gasping, Panting ]

I DON'T BELIEVE IT !

I CUT THOSE
BRAKE LINES CLEAN.
HE SHOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT WAS AN UNLUCKY
BREAK, THAT'S ALL.
WE'LL GET ANOTHER CHANCE.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE
BEFORE SOMEBODY SEES US.

OVER HERE.
OVER HERE.

OVER HERE.
OVER HERE.

COME ON, SERVE IT.
WHOO ! WHOA !

IT'S ALREADY 12:47.
I THINK WE SHOULD GET GOING
THERE, CHET. TIME'S A-WASTING.

I WAS SURE JACK
WOULD BE HERE BY NOW.
I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED.

[ Sighs ]

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
POOR BEN.

HIT IT.
THERE YOU GO.

SOMEONE'S GONNA
HAVE TO TELL HIM.

EITHER ONE OF YOU GUYS
WANT TO DO IT ?

COWARDS.

OKAY, GUIDES, TIME TO GO.
LET'S LOAD UP.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GO, GUYS.

YES !

LISTEN, BEN, UH,
RED WON'T LET US WAIT
ANY LONGER FOR JACK.

OH, UH, SURE, MR. BRONSKI.
I UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW, JACK HAS
A VERY IMPORTANT JOB.

IT'S NOT LIKE ME
OR LLOYD OR RED.

SO I'M SURE WHATEVER'S
KEEPING HIM IS GONNA BE
PRETTY IMPORTANT TOO.

YEAH.

HEY, YOU WANNA COME
ALONG WITH US ? HUH ?

YOU CAN SIT IN THE MIDDLE.
NORM AND I WILL TAKE CARE
OF ALL THE PADDLING.

HOW WOULD THAT BE ?
NO, THANKS, MR. BRONSKI.

I DON'T FEEL MUCH
LIKE GOING ANYWAY.

YOU SURE ?

ABSOLUTELY.
YOU GUYS GO AHEAD
AND HAVE A GREAT TIME.

I'LL BE OKAY.
YEAH.

HEY, BEN.

HEY-HA-WA-YA.

[ Door Closes,
Engine Starts ]

[ Sniffling ]

[ Sniffling Continues ]

[ Tapping ]

HI, HONEY. WHAT ARE YOU
DOING BACK SO EARLY ?
WHERE'S JACK ?

HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
HE DIDN'T SHOW UP ?
WHAT HAPPENED ?

WELL, HE PROMISED HE'D BE THERE,
BUT HE NEVER SHOWED UP.

SO THE OTHER GUYS
WENT ON WITHOUT ME.

OH, BABY, I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SURE THERE'S
AN EXPLANATION.

HE JUST FOUND SOMETHING
BETTER TO DO, THAT'S ALL.

NO, I KNOW JACK.
HE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING
LIKE THAT.

JUST LIKE YOU KNEW DAD
WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT ?

[ Knocking ]

OH, MY GOD !
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ?

I GOT CAUGHT
IN A SUDDEN DOWNPOUR
AND REALLY GOT SOAKED.

WHEN WAS IT RAINING ?

IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER.
I NEED TO TALK TO BEN FIRST.

I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL.

THANKS.

I'M REALLY SORRY I MISSED
THE CANOE TRIP, BEN.

I HAD CAR TROUBLE,
AND I JUST COULDN'T MAKE IT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I WANTED TO BE THERE, BEN.
I REALLY DID.

[ Sighs ]

COULD YOU GET OUT
OF THE CHAIR WITH YOUR
WET CLOTHES, PLEASE ?

SORRY. HE'S REALLY
TAKING THIS HARD.

WELL, HE WAS REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS TRIP...

AND HE WAS COUNTING
ON YOU TO BE THERE.

BELIEVE ME, WHAT HAPPENED
WAS UNAVOIDABLE.

I'M SURE IT WAS.

BUT WITHOUT MEANING TO,
YOU BROKE A PROMISE TO HIM,

WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY,
IS SOMETHING HIS FATHER USED
TO DO TO HIM ALL THE TIME.

I GUESS I HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL
THE MISTAKES HIS FATHER MADE,
DON'T I ?

I'M AFRAID IT GOES
WITH THE TERRITORY.

I'LL GO TALK TO HIM.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'LL DO IT.

[ Knocking ]

BEN, TALK TO YOU
FOR A SEC ?

YEAH, SURE.
DO WHAT YOU WANT.

LOOK, BEN, I KNOW
YOU'RE MAD AT ME...

AND I KNOW THERE'S
NO REASON IN THE WORLD
FOR YOU TO BELIEVE ME,

BUT I'M GONNA MAKE THIS
UP TO YOU, I SWEAR.

HEY, YOU KNOW THE
FOURTH OF JULY CAMPING TRIP
THAT'S COMING UP ?

YEAH,
WHAT ABOUT IT ?

WELL, I GIVE YOU MY WORD,
NOTHING'S GONNA INTERFERE
WITH IT.

WE'RE GONNA GO AND WE'RE
GONNA HAVE THE BEST TIME
WE'VE EVER HAD.

OKAY ? I PROMISE.

YEAH, SURE.

OKAY. GOOD.

[ Sighs ]

IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HUNCH
WAS RIGHT, JACK.

THAT WAS NO ACCIDENT
YOU HAD.

ACCORDING TO THE POLICE REPORT,
THE BRAKE LINES ON YOUR CAR
WERE CUT.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY
WANTS YOU DEAD.

I THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA
IF WE TRANSFERRED YOU...

TO THE PORTLAND OFFICE
FOR A WHILE.
PORTLAND ?

JUST UNTIL WE CAN FIND OUT
WHO'S BEHIND THIS THING.

I'LL PUT THE FEDERAL MARSHALLS
ON IT RIGHT AWAY.

WE SHOULD HAVE IT WRAPPED UP
END OF JULY, AT THE LATEST.

END OF JULY ?
FORGET IT, BOB.
CAN'T DO IT.

EXCUSE ME.
CAN'T DO IT, BOB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU CAN'T DO IT ?

THIS ISN'T A NEGOTIATION;
IT'S AN ORDER.

WELL, THEN...

YOU CAN FIRE ME
OR I'LL QUIT.

EITHER WAY,
I'M NOT GOING TO PORTLAND.

GOT SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT
TO DO. SORRY, BOB.

MIND TELLING ME WHAT'S MORE
IMPORTANT THAN STAYING ALIVE ?

RIGHT NOW...
A CAMPING TRIP WITH BEN.

[ Jack ]
HEY, CHET, HOW ABOUT
A SING-ALONG ?

[ Chet ]
GREAT IDEA.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA SING ?

I DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT "LOUIE, LOUIE" ?

[ Red ]
POINT OF ORDER THERE, JACK.
I BELIEVE THAT'S "LOUIE, LOU-I."

AND I DON'T THINK THE BOYS WOULD
KNOW THE LYRICS TO THAT ONE.

THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THAT SONG, RED.
NOBODY KNOWS THE LYRICS.

YOU CAN MUMBLE
ANYTHING YOU WANT...
AND STILL SOUND FINE.

WHO NEEDS WORDS ANYWAY ?
RIGHT, DAD ?

[ Jack Whistles ]
WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHET ?
TAKE IT.

* DA DA-DA-DA
DA-DA DA-DA-DA *

* DA-DA DA-DA-DA
* UH LOUIE, LOUIE
OH, NO *

* SAYIN' WE GOTTA GO
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH *

* UH LOUIE, LOUIE
OH, NO *

* SAYIN' WE GOTTA GO
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH *

* SAID UH LOUIE, LOUIE
OH, BABY *

* SAID WE GOTTA GO

* A FINE LITTLE GIRL
IS WAITIN' FOR ME *

* ME CATCH A SHIP
ACROSS THE SEA *

* ME SAILED THAT SHIP
AH ALL ALONE *

* ME NEVER THINK HOW
I'LL MAKE IT HOME *

** [ Music Fades ]

GEEZ, BEN, THERE'S
A LOT OF STUFF HERE.
SURE GLAD IT'S A SINGLE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
TRYING TO PUT UP
A TWO-BEDROOM TEPEE ?

NO, I CAN'T, BUT THAT'S
A REALLY FUNNY CONCEPT.

BEN, THAT WAS MY SUBTLE WAY
OF ASKING FOR HELP.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO BE
MORE OBVIOUS, JACK.

I'M JUST A KID.
I DON'T GET SUBTLETIES.

OKAY, FINE.
WANNA GIVE ME A HAND ?

NO, I'D RATHER NOT.
MY BACK'S SORE.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL ASK SOMEBODY ELSE,
THEN, FOR HELP.

HEY, LLOYD,
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT ?

[ Whispering ]
LET'S MAKE HIM LAUGH.

OKAY, WE'LL HAVE THIS
UP IN NO TIME !

[ Whistles ]

LLOYD SAYS,
"IN A NEW YORK MINUTE."
WELL, LET'S DO IT.

I'M ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY.

THIS LOOKS GOOD.

[ Grunts ]

THIS ONE'S LONG.
OH, PERFECT.

I NEED THESE FOR THE--

'CAUSE WE HAVE TO PUT--
WE HAVE TO CROSS THESE, LLOYD.

THEY SHOULD ALL BE
THE SAME HEIGHT, AND THEN
WE CAN JUST MAKE A CROSS.

MAKE SURE THEY'RE
THE SAME HEIGHT.

OKAY, THIS IS GOOD.
WE'LL JUST PULL IT OVER--

A LITTLE BIT MORE
OF AN ANGLE.

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
RIGHT LIKE THAT.

OW ! OW ! OW !

- [ Both Groaning ]
- [ Laughing ]

I'D BETTER HOLD IT.
OKAY ?

WE SHOULD TRY TO KEEP IT
ON AN ANGLE...

SO WE COULD SLIP THIS OVER
WHEN WE'RE THROUGH.

AAH ! AH ! OW !
YOU GOT ME IN THE FOOT
AGAIN THERE, LLOYD.

IT'S A GOOD JOB.
THANKS, LLOYD.

LET'S GET SOME WATER
OR SOMETHING.

NICE JOB ON THE TENT,
STURGES.

OKAY, BOYS,
MIGHT AS WELL SETTLE IN.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SPEND THE NIGHT.

WELL, IT DOESN'T GET
MUCH BETTER THAN THIS,
EH, GUYS ?

[ Chuckling ]

ANYBODY FEEL LIKE A STORY ?

YEAH !
EXCELLENT IDEA.

CAN I BORROW
YOUR HEADDRESS, CHET ?
YEAH, SURE.

BE VERY CAREFUL.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
VERY GOOD.

OKAY. NOW...

THIS IS A VERY OLD
INDIAN LEGEND...

PASSED DOWN FROM
GENERATION TO GENERATION.

EITHER THAT OR I SAW IT
ON AN EPISODE OF F TROOP.
[ Boys Chuckle ]

YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOW
WHERE ALL THE INDIANS WERE
PLAYED BY ITALIAN ACTORS ?

[ Deepens Voice ]
THEM ALL TALK LIKE THIS.

UH, REAL NATIVE AMERICANS
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

YES, SQUATTING DOG
KNOW THIS.

BUT INTEND USE
ONLY FOR COMIC EFFECT.

OKAY.

MANY MOON AGO
WAS YOUNG LAKOTA BRAVE
NAMED YOUNG CRAB.

SO CALLED BECAUSE
HIM ALWAYS IN A LOUSY MOOD.

ESPECIALLY AFTER FATHER
SKIPPED CAMP WITH SECRETARY.

LEAVE YOUNG CRAB ALL ALONE, TAKE
CARE OF MOTHER NAMED LOTSA HAIR.

[ Boys Laughing ]

YEARS GO BY.
YOUNG CRAB AND LOTSA HAIR
BECOME INSEPARABLE.

BUILD NEW LIFE.

YOUNG CRAB SO HAPPY,
EVEN THINK ABOUT CHANGING
NAME TO HAPPY FACE.

BUT THEN ONE DAY
LOTSA HAIR BRING HOME...

INCREDIBLY HANDSOME
LAKOTA WARRIOR...

NAMED LOOK SO DARN GOOD.

[ Laughter ]

SHE SAY, "YOUNG CRAB,
THIS LOOK SO DARN GOOD.
I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY HIM.

CAN BLAME ME ? I MEAN,
CHECK IT OUT ONE TIME."

[ Laughter ]

YOUNG CRAB NOT LIKE
LOOK SO DARN GOOD FROM GET GO.

NOT LIKE WAY HE RUIN HAPPY LIFE
YOUNG CRAB HAVE WITH LOTSA HAIR.

SO DO EVERYTHING HE CAN
TO MAKE LOOK SO DARN GOOD...

LOOK NOT SO DARN HOT.
[ Boys Laughing ]

POUR GLUE IN MOCCASIN.
[ Boys Groaning ]

ORDER TEN PIZZA, HAVE DELIVERED
TO LOOK SO DARN GOOD'S TEPEE.
[ Boys Laughing ]

RUN UP BIG BILLS
CALLING 1-900 NUMBERS.
OHHH !

LITTLE GUIDES NOT TRY
AT HOME, BY THE WAY.

YOUNG CRAB SOUND LIKE HIM
COULD USE SOME DISCIPLINE.

PERHAPS TRIP
TO WOODSHED IN ORDER.

NO, NO, SILVER FOX,
YOUNG CRAB NOT NEED DISCIPLINE.

HIM JUST SCARED...

LOOK SO DARN GOOD
DO SAME THING AS FATHER.

RUN AWAY.

HURT LOTSA HAIR AND YOUNG CRAB
ALL OVER AGAIN.

LOOK SO DARN GOOD
MUST PROVE HIMSELF TRUSTWORTHY.

GOOD MEDICINE,
RUNNING HORSE.

BUT TRUST FUNNY THING.

NO MATTER HOW HARD ONE TRY,

SOONER OR LATER BOUND
TO SCREW UP, BREAK TRUST.

NOT MEAN TO,
BUT, HEY, POO HAPPEN.

[ Laughter ]

NOW WHAT CAN GUIDES
LEARN FROM THIS STORY ?

[ Clears Throat ]
MOST IMPORTANT THING:

LITTLE GUIDES MUST NEVER
CALL 1-900 NUMBERS...

WITHOUT PARENT'S
PERMISSION.

GOOD POINT, SILVER FOX.
BUT WAY OFF, AS USUAL.

I THINK THE LESSON
IS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE
OF COMMUNICATION.

SILENT THUNDER
AND TALKING ROCK CORRECT.

COMMUNICATION
ALWAYS FIRST STEP.

I THINK IT ALSO MEANS
YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO HAVE
FAITH IN PEOPLE,

EVEN IF SOMETIMES
THEY DISAPPOINT YOU.

DARK EAGLE HIT NAIL
RIGHT ON HEAD.

GREAT STORY
AND A GOOD LESSON
FOR ALL OF US.

[ Red ]
GOOD STORY, JACK.
ALL RIGHT.

- YEAH !
- GREAT STORY, JACK.

[ Applause Continues ]

[ Norman ]
I'M HUNGRY, DAD.
WHEN ARE WE EATING ?

[ Chet ] AH, WE GOTTA
GO DOWN TO THE STREAM
AND CATCH OUR BREAKFAST.

[ Red ] HEY, CHIEF,
IS THAT COFFEE READY YET ?
JUST ABOUT.

[ Hank ] CAN WE HAVE
BACON AND EGGS ?
IF IT'S IN THE STREAM.

[ Mosquito Buzzing ]

[ Groans ]

MORNING, JACK.
HOW'D YOU SLEEP ?

FINE. FINE.
YOU SEEN BEN ?

YEAH. I ASKED HIM TO GO
DOWN TO THE CREEK AND
FILL UP THE CANTEENS.

OH, WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU ASKED HIM AND NOT ME.
WE'D ALL DIE OF THIRST.

REMEMBER WHAT
I TOLD YOU, BUDDY.

YEAH, JUST KEEP AT IT.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU, CHET,
I'M ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP.

I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I CAN
THINK OF TO GET THROUGH TO HIM.

IT'S JUST NOT WORKING.

IT TAKES TIME.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
YOU'RE DOING FINE.

YEAH, REAL FINE.

[ Murray ] COME ON,
TONY, GET OUT OF THE WATER.
YOU'RE GONNA RUIN YOUR SUIT.

[ Grunting, Muttering ]

HEY, I GOT ONE !
I GOT ONE !

HEY, MURRAY, JOEY, LOOK AT THIS.
I ACTUALLY CAUGHT A FISH !

I'M A REGULAR
JACQUES COUSTEAU OVER HERE !

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
FISHED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE !

I COULD ACTUALLY
ENJOY THIS.

MURRAY, AFTER WE KILL THIS
STURGES GUY, MAYBE WE CAN COME
BACK HERE AND DO THIS AGAIN.

JACK.

- JACK, JACK !
- WHAT'S THE MATTER ?

[ Panting ]
THERE'S SOME GUYS
OVER THERE IN SUITS FISHING.

ONE OF 'EM SAID THEY CAME
UP HERE TO KILL YOU.

WHERE ARE THEY ?
OVER THERE BY THE CREEK.

COME ON, TONY. ENOUGH
WITH THE FISHING ALREADY !

JUST ONE MORE, JUST ONE MORE !
I'M GETTIN' REALLY GOOD AT THIS.

YEAH, IF YOU WERE AS GOOD
AT ARRANGING CAR ACCIDENTS,
STURGES WOULD BE DEAD BY NOW.

AND WE WOULDN'T BE
SITTIN' AROUND IN THE FOREST...

LIKE ROBIN HOOD
AND HIS MERRY MEN !

WHAT ACCIDENT ARE THEY
TALKING ABOUT, JACK ?

I THOUGHT YOU JUST HAD
SOME CAR TROUBLE.

I DID HAVE SOME CAR TROUBLE.
I JUST DIDN'T TELL YOU
HOW MUCH.

OKAY, SO TELL ME NOW.

JACK, TELL ME !

ALL RIGHT.
THOSE GUYS DID SOMETHING
TO THE BRAKES OF MY CAR.

I ENDED UP IN THE BAY.
NO BIG DEAL.

NO BIG DEAL ?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ?

DIDN'T WANT TO WORRY
YOU OR YOUR MOM.

I-I-I THOUGHT YOU MADE UP
THE CAR TROUBLE STORY TO GET OUT
OF GOING ON THE CANOE TRIP.

IF YOU HAD TOLD ME
YOU HAD A REAL ACCIDENT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN SO UPSET.

SORRY. I TRIED TO DO
THE RIGHT THING.

HEY, CHET, I NEED YOU
TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.

DON'T ASK A LOT OF
QUESTIONS, BUT SOME GUYS
FOLLOWED ME UP HERE.

THEY'RE SORT OF
AFTER ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"AFTER YOU" ?

I SENT A MAN TO PRISON
FOR 50 YEARS, AND HIS SON'S
A LITTLE UPSET ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO ?

YOU AND THE BOYS HEAD BACK
DOWN TO THE RANGER STATION
TO TRY TO GET HELP.

I'LL LEAD THEM
FURTHER UP THE MOUNTAIN
'TIL YOU GET BACK.

I DON'T KNOW, JACK.
WE COULD STAY HERE;
WE COULD HELP.

I MUST CONCUR
WITH SILENT THUNDER
ON THAT POINT, JACK.

THERE ARE EIGHT OF US.
THERE'S GOTTA BE
SOMETHING WE CAN DO.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU GUYS.

BUT THEY'RE AFTER ME,
NOT ANY OF YOU. IT'S TOO
DANGEROUS TO STAY TOGETHER.

BETTER WE SPLIT UP.

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL GET BACK
AS QUICK AS WE CAN.

LITTLE GUIDES, LET'S MOVE OUT !
MOVE OUT ! COME ON !

THAT MEANS YOU TOO, BEN.
NO WAY. I'M STAYING
HERE WITH YOU.

YOU'RE NOT
STAYING WITH ME.
BUT I CAN HELP !

YOU COULD BE MORE HELP
BY MAKING SURE THE OTHERS
GET DOWN OKAY.

NOW GO ON,
GET OUT OF HERE.
I MEAN IT.

[ Sighs ]
BEN.

THANKS, ANYWAY.
I APPRECIATE IT.

I'LL GO AROUND THIS WAY
AND MEET YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE.

[ Chet ] YEAH.
BET YOU WE BEAT YOU THERE !
YOU'RE ON !

I GOT YOU NOW, STURGES.
MURRAY, TONY, GET READY !

THE FUN IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

[ Grunting, Groaning ]

OH ! OHHH !

[ Groaning, Panting ]

[ Timber Crackling ]

[ Grunts, Groaning ]

GREAT.
JUST WHAT I NEED.

[ Grunting Continues ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Footsteps Continue ]

[ Wheezing ]

- GESUNDHEIT.
- BEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I CAME BACK HERE TO HELP YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.
OH, REALLY ?

AND WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO DO
WHEN THOSE GUYS FOUND YOU ?

LIE THERE AND PRETEND
TO BE SLUG ?

EXACTLY.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU'RE BLOWING MY COVER.

[ Grunting ]
YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.

I KNEW YOU WERE GOING
TO SAY THAT EVENTUALLY.

[ Groaning ]

OH, GEEZ !

SO HOW'S THE LEG ?

EXCEPT FOR THE THROBBING PAIN,
IT'S GREAT.

WELL, THEN
WE CAN'T OUTRUN 'EM.

SO WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO SLOW 'EM UP...

UNTIL THE OTHERS
GET BACK WITH HELP.

WE WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
THESE GUYS ARE HARD KILLERS
WITH GUNS.

SO ?
WE'VE GOT BOWS AND ARROWS
AND A TOMAHAWK.

WE'RE GONNA NEED SOMETHING
MORE THAN THAT.

WELL, RED CROW TOLD ME
THAT WHEN YOU NEED AN ANSWER...

JUST LISTEN TO NATURE
AND THE ANSWER WILL BE
PROVIDED TO YOU.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WASN'T
KIDDING YOU AGAIN ?

TRUST ME.

OKAY, I'LL LISTEN.

COULD YOU ASK
NATURE TO SPEAK UP ?
I CAN'T HEAR A THING.

SHHH !

[ Buzzing ]

WELL, THANK YOU,
RED CROW.
[ Laughing ]

[ Buzzing Continues ]

ALL RIGHT,
SLOW AND EASY.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
DON'T GET AWAY FROM ME !

[ Buzzing Continues ]

EASY, BEN.
DON'T SHAKE IT.

[ Bee Dives ]
THAT'S GOOD.
STEADY, STEADY.

[ Grunts, Groans ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU ?
I SLIPPED.

MURRAY, GET HIM
ON HIS FEET.

COME ON, TONY,
GET UP. GET UP.
YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.

GET UP. GEEZ !
HEY, YOUR HANDS ARE FILTHY !
DON'T TOUCH THE SUIT.

YOU GUYS GO THAT WAY.
I'M GOIN' THIS WAY.

THINK THIS GUY
KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING ?

I DON'T KNOW.
[ Muttering ]

LOOK AT THIS SUIT.
IT'S FULL OF TWIGS.

THAT GUY ON FOURTH STREET'S
NEVER GONNA BE ABLE
TO GET 'EM OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING
ABOUT ? I GOT FISH GOOP
ALL OVER MY PANTS.

TONY, I'M TELLING YOU,
NEVER CALL ME FOR A JOB
LIKE THIS AGAIN. NEVER !

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.
WHO NEEDS YOU ?

AH ! INDIAN STUFF.
[ Chuckles ]

WE GOT HIM.
[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]
WE GOT HIM.
WE GOT HIM.

OKAY, YOU READY ?

READY. LET'S DO IT.

WE GOT HIM.
[ Laughing ]

HEY, HEY !
LOOK AT THIS !

HERE'S MORE OF THAT
BEADED JUNK.

THEY GOTTA BE
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
[ Laughing ]

[ Ben Whistles ]

HEY, LOOK.
IT'S HIS KID.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOING ?
[ Laughs ]

I THINK HE'S GONNA SHOOT US
WITH HIS LITTLE BOW AND ARROW.

OH, I'M REALLY SCARED.
YEAH, MAYBE WE
SHOULD TAKE COVER.

[ Both Laughing ]

BEEHIVE !
BEEHIVE !

[ Screaming ]
TONY, THEY'RE BITIN' ME !

OW ! OUCH ! OW !
TELL THEM
TO LEAVE ME ALONE !

[ Yelping, Screaming
Continue ]

GOOD SHOT, LITTLE WING.
YOU TOO, SQUATTING DOG.

YOU KNOW, WE REALLY OUGHTA
THINK ABOUT CHANGING MY NAME.

GOOD IDEA.
[ Cocks Gun ]

HOW ABOUT DEAD MEAT ?

NOT SO TOUGH NOW,
ARE YOU, STURGES ?

HEY, IF YOU WANT
TO BEG FOR YOUR LIFE
LIKE A LITTLE WORM,

GO AHEAD !
[ Chuckling ]

YOU KNOW, JOEY, I HAVE TO SAY
I EXPECTED SOMETHING BETTER
THAN THIS FROM YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT ?

OH, COME ON, JOEY.
THE OLD SEAL-'EM-UP-IN-AN-
ABANDONED-MINE ROUTINE ?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT ?

IT'S BORING, THAT'S WHAT
IT IS. SHOWS A COMPLETE
LACK OF IMAGINATION.

YEAH, RIGHT.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU COULD
THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER ?

WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

YOU COULD HURL US OFF A CLIFF
ONTO SOME JAGGED ROCKS,
FOR EXAMPLE.

THAT'S NOT ANY BETTER.

YEAH, BUT FIRST YOU COULD DRILL
HOLES IN THE BACK OF OUR HEAD
WITH A POWER TOOL...

TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT.

THAT MAKES IT BETTER.

OR IF YOU WERE REALLY CLEVER,
YOU'D WRAP US UP IN WET RAWHIDE,

SO WHEN IT DRIED OUT
IT'D MASH UP ALL OUR BONES...

AND SQUEEZE OUR INTERNAL ORGANS
OUT THROUGH OUR ORIFICES
LIKE A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE.

I SAW IT ON
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, STURGES.
THIS KID IS SICK.

IF I WASN'T GONNA KILL
THE TWO OF YOUS,

I'D SUGGEST YOU GET HIM
PSYCHIATRIC HELP
IMMEDIATELY.

TONY, GO AHEAD.
LIGHT THE FUSE...

BEFORE THIS LITTLE DEMENTO
GET'S ANY MORE IDEAS.

[ Snickering ]

BYE-BYE, STURGES !

[ Snickering Continues ]

BYE-BYE, KID !

JACK, WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO ?

DON'T WORRY, BEN.
IT'LL BE OKAY.

[ Mobsters Continue
Laughing ]

SHOO, SHOO !

BLAH ! BLAH ! BLAH !

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?
CHARADES ?

HE SAYS,
THROW DOWN YOUR WEAPONS...

OR ELSE HE'LL
TURN YOU INTO LARGE,
STUPID-LOOKING PIN CUSHIONS.

ACTUALLY, HE DIDN'T
SAY "STUPID-LOOKING."
I ADDED THAT.

YEAH, RIGHT. LIKE I'M
REALLY GONNA SURRENDER...

TO ONE SCREWBALL
WITH A BOW AND ARROW.

MURRAY, PUT A BULLET
IN HIS HEAD.

EXCUSE ME, THERE.
POINT OF ORDER.

I BELIEVE IT IS ILLEGAL
TO POSSESS FIREARMS
IN A STATE PARK.

AS A DULY AUTHORIZED
REPRESENTATIVE...

OF THE
DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES,
A STATE AGENCY,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CONFISCATE
THOSE WEAPONS.

OH, NOW THERE'S TWO OF THEM.
I'M REALLY SCARED.

MAKE THAT THREE !

FOUR !

FIVE !

SIX !

WE'RE SURROUNDED.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW, JOEY ?

THEY GOT LITTLE BOWS AND ARROWS.
YOU GOT GUNS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU DO ?
SHOOT THEM !

OKAY, GUIDES,
LET 'EM HAVE IT !

[ Gasps ]

GERONIMO !

[ Grunts, Groaning ]

OKAY, THAT'S IT.
NO MORE PLAYIN' AROUND.

I DON'T THINK SO, JOEY.
[ Grunts ]

RED, HERE'S
ANOTHER PIECE OF GARBAGE
YOU CAN ADD TO THE PILE.

SURE THING, SQUATTING DOG.
OKAY, DIRTBAGS, ON YOUR FEET.

REMEMBER, NO SMART STUFF.
I GOT THE GUN.

COME ON, GET UP ! COME ON,
GET UP, GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.

- WOW !
- GET UP, GET UP.

YOU GUYS OKAY ?

COULDN'T BE BETTER, CHET.
THANKS FOR COMING BACK.

HEY, WE'RE INDIAN GUIDES, AND
INDIAN GUIDES STICK TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

BESIDES, IF WE'D TRIED
TO GET TO THAT RANGER STATION,

WE WOULD'VE GOT LOST
IN ABOUT EIGHT SECONDS.
[ Chuckles ]

THANKS, LLOYD.
THAT WAS A GREAT SHOT.

[ Whistling ]

YOU KNOW, BEN,
THOSE ARE THE WEIRDEST
BUNCH OF GUYS I EVER MET.

BUT I LIKE 'EM.

YEAH, THEY'RE
DEFINITELY UNUSUAL.

BUT WHO WANTS NORMAL
ANYWAY, RIGHT ?

BEN, UH, I WANTED TO THANK
YOU, TOO, FOR COMING BACK.

IT WAS A VERY BRAVE
THING TO DO.

WELL, I COULDN'T JUST
LET 'EM KILL YOU.

AFTER ALL, I THINK MY MOM
WANTS TO KEEP YOU AROUND
FOR A WHILE.

AND... WELL...

I GUESS I DO TOO.

LET'S GO HOME.

SO, BEN, NOW THAT WE'RE BUDDIES,
IS IT OKAY IF I MARRY YOUR MOM ?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, JACK.

THERE ARE A FEW THINGS
I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU FIRST.

IS THAT ALL YOU MAKE ?

IT'S NOT EXACTLY
MINIMUM WAGE, BEN.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SOME BIG SHOT ATTORNEY
FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

WELL, WHAT THEY DON'T PAY
IN SALARY, THEY MAKE UP FOR
IN BENEFITS.

WHICH, BY THE WAY,
WILL COME IN VERY HANDY...

WHEN THEY REPLACE
ALL THE TEETH I'M GONNA
KNOCK OUT OF YOUR LITTLE HEAD.

ANY BAD HABITS
I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ?

LET'S SEE. I DRINK MILK
STRAIGHT FROM THE CARTON.

SOMETIMES I USE A SPOON...
AND PUT IT RIGHT BACK
IN THE DRAWER.

ANY CHANCE YOU MIGHT TURN
INTO A SERIAL KILLER AND START
BOILING OUR HEADS IN ACID ?

DON'T BE SILLY.
I HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN YEARS.

[ Sighs ]
SO... DO I PASS THE TEST ?

YOU'LL DO, I GUESS.

DO YOU MIND IF I TELL
YOUR MOTHER THE GOOD NEWS ?

YEAH, SURE. GO AHEAD.

OH, BY THE WAY, THAT THING
ABOUT BOILING HEADS ?

I LIED.

JACK !
WHAT ? OKAY,
I DIDN'T LIE.

NO, NO, COME HERE.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

HUH.
IT'S A CIRCLE.

SANDY !
MOM !

WHAT'S THE MATTER ?

COME HERE.
LOOK WHAT JACK DID.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW !
IT'S DONE.

** [ Man Chanting ]

**

* LOVE

[ Ben Narrating ]
AS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY
FIGURED OUT,

* DEVOTION
I LET JACK MARRY MY MOTHER.

IT SEEMED ONLY FAIR AFTER
WHAT I PUT HIM THROUGH.

* FEELING

JACK AND I STILL GO
TO INDIAN GUIDES.

* EMOTION
LAST WEEK, WE MADE HIM
OUR NEW CHIEF.

NEXT WEEK,
WE'RE MAKING REINDEER
OUT OF CLOTHESPINS.

* DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE WEAK
MR. SWEENEY IS STILL
A PERFECTIONIST.

* DON'T BE TOO PROUD
THE INDIAN GUIDES JUST CAME
UP WITH A NEW HANDBOOK,

* TO BE STRONG
SO HE'S BUSY MEMORIZING
THAT ONE NOW.

HE SAYS HE'S ALREADY
FOUND TWO TYPOS.

* JUST LOOK INTO YOUR HEART
MY FRIEND *

* THAT WILL BE THE RETURN
TO YOURSELF *

* THE RETURN TO INNOCENCE

** [ Chanting Continues ]
MR. SMALL
STILL DOESN'T TALK.

I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT
WHY YET.

BUT WHEN YOU THINK
ABOUT IT, DARRYL WAS RIGHT.

WHO NEEDS WORDS ANYWAY ?

** [ Chanting Continues ]

**

* THE RETURN TO INNOCENCE

* AND IF YOU WANT
THEN START TO LAUGH *

* IF YOU MUST
THEN START TO CRY *

* BE YOURSELF, DON'T HIDE

* JUST BELIEVE IN DESTINY

* DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY

* JUST FOLLOW YOUR OWN WAY
MR. BRONSKI STILL ACTS LIKE
A BIG KID MOST OF THE TIME.

** [ Singing Continues ]
BUT I GUESS JUST
BECAUSE YOU GROW UP...

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU
HAVE TO STOP HAVING FUN.

** [ Chanting Continues ]
NORMAN STILL GETS STUFFED INTO
HIS LOCKER ALMOST EVERY DAY.

BUT WITH ME AROUND, AT LEAST NOW
HE HAS SOME COMPANY.

MONROE IS FINALLY
BEGINNING TO COME AROUND.

HE SAYS HE'S EVEN THINKING
ABOUT JOINING THE INDIAN GUIDES,

AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T HAVE TO
SLEEP OUTSIDE ON THE GROUND.

**

IF YOU HAD TOLD ME
TWO MONTHS AGO I'D ACTUALLY
ENJOY BEING AN INDIAN GUIDE,

I'D HAVE TO SAY
YOU WERE CRAZY.

BUT IT'S FUNNY
THE WAY THINGS TURN OUT.

[ Woman Reciting ]
THAT'S THE RETURN TO YOURSELF,
THE RETURN TO INNOCENCE.

[ Ben Narrating ]
AND MY MOM, WELL,
I NEVER SAW HER SO HAPPY.

I'LL TELL YOU,
ONE THING'S FOR SURE.

JACK'S A REALLY LUCKY GUY.

BUT THEN AGAIN, SO AM I.

** [ Chanting Continues ]

**

I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
WE ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
* THE RETURN TO INNOCENCE

BUT IT'S TOO SOON TO TELL.
* IF YOU WANT
THEN START TO LAUGH *

* IF YOU MUST
THEN START TO CRY *

* BE YOURSELF, DON'T HIDE

* JUST BELIEVE IN DESTINY

* DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY
I GUESS THE LESSON TO BE
LEARNED FROM ALL OF THIS...

* JUST FOLLOW YOUR OWN WAY
IS THAT SOMETIMES YOU
HAVE TO TRUST PEOPLE...

* DON'T GIVE UP
AND USE THE CHANCE *
AND HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT.

* TO RETURN TO INNOCENCE
I MEAN, AFTER ALL,

** [ Chanting Continues ]
NOTHING'S PERFECT, IS IT ?

**

** [ Piano ]

**