Original subtitles

I will swallow it.

I'll swallow it.

I'll swallow my bride, Franklin.

Thank you, Miss Morgan.

But there's more to the scene.

We'll call you.

Wasn't I sincere enough?

Swallow... We're not looking for sincere, honey.

We're looking for sexy.

But Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't sexy.

Handsome, maybe.

Perhaps a little kinky.

We'll call you.

Look, let me do it again.

How the hell was I supposed to know you wanted sexy?

Hey, I can be very sexy.

Miss Morgan, we'll call you.

So you want sexy, huh?

Is this sexy enough for you?

Franklin, I will swallow it.

I'll be a real woman.

Look at that!

Well, there is the part of Herbert Hoover's French maid.

If you'd like to step up into my office to discuss the contract, of course.

Thanks.

I'll call you.

Swallow my ass.

Hey, I'll swallow it, sweetie.

She really had tits that big.

Hey, you know, what I wanted wasn't on that menu.

If it's not on the menu, then we don't have it.

Come here, baby.

Is somebody hungry?

Thrust,

baby I put on the perfume you like We're gonna forget about this day of work Cause

we're going out dancing tonight I don't care...

Hey Bill, table number 11's pissed off.

I'm going to put some more vodka in the martini.

Waitress!

Susplinter in my cottage cheese!

Well, at these prices, what did you expect?

The whole cottage?

This is menu control.

We have a go-for salad on table number 11.

The salad is go-for dressing insertion.

Sometimes my days are empty.

That's delicious.

Sometimes my nights don't feel right.

When I get down, the music turns me around.

And I go out and party all night.

I'm going to start dancing tonight.

Morning one, fish of the day.

Will you just look at these hands?

I don't know why you insist on eating such strong detergents.

They're both in pastries.

That's because our brand makes your whites whiter.

Now, get off your... Excuse me, miss.

Are you free?

No, but I'm not very expensive either.

I've got to be good.

I'm only making ends meet.

Oh, Lord, be praised.

When I hear music, I know that I am saved.

I am saved.

I don't get mad at nobody.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Hey, how was the audition?

Great, but my boobs had all the lines.

Ooh, must have been a hell of a delivery.

Thanks.

Hey, I'm working, remember?

Want to come over to my house and play afterward?

Sorry, no time.

One chicken and orange.

Why?

I've got more auditions tonight.

You know, if you got paid for auditioning, you'd be rich.

Reminder, only non-verse materials are included in any salad format.

Mature Teen Magazine, may I help you?

Uh, excuse me.

I'm Jennifer Martin.

I won second prize in the short story contest that Mature Teen Magazine sponsored.

Oh, Miss Martin.

Go right in.

Miss Cawley's expecting you.

Okay, thank you.

Uh, right in here.

How does a sunset look like?

Instant mashed potatoes in Mama's electric blender.

I only wrote what I saw back home in Indiana.

We can't use it.

Not use my story?

I said I liked your style, not your subject matter.

Nobody's gonna slap down two bucks for a story about Indiana.

Oh, shit.

My masseuse didn't come again today.

Jennifer, come over here while we talk about it.

Help me get these paintings out.

But I don't know... Oh.

Oh, come on.

Oh.

People want to know what's going down in New York and L.A.

Last month, we ran a feature on where to find single men in New York.

Our magazine sales soared.

I want you to do the follow-up.

Actually go on a manhunt and use this article as a guide.

You want me to go and pick up men?

Not just pick them up.

You're going to write an article about catching a man in the big city.

But I'm no good around people.

That's why I started writing.

I mean, I get so nervous, even my shadow uses a deodorant.

That's the whole point.

If you can find a good man using this guide, anyone can.

I've even got a cover for you, a disguise.

You're going to be working the type of job that the average

small-town girl would take in New York as a waitress.

Working in a restaurant?

That means meeting new people every day.

Oh, and touching all that food, the roast beef.

Martin, this is a chance of a lifetime.

Your wardrobe.

Good luck, Martin.

This city is full of men waiting for you.

But what will I say to them?

What every girl has said to every man since the beginning of time.

Oh, I have a headache.

Headache?

Young lady, I hear you say headache.

Here, hold on just a second here.

Here.

Take two of these.

Don't work too hard and call me in the morning.

Thanks.

I guess it's first-day jitters or something.

You're going to have to pay for the breakage.

I'm so sorry.

That'll teach you to break on stay with me, Dean Simpson.

Putting insect balm in the house mother's feminine hygiene spray.

Filling Dean Carlisle's room to the top with sand.

Plotting to blow up our sewage plant by organizing an

everyone-plus-your-toilet-at-the-same-time day.

And now this fire-hosing-employed dorm.

Mr. Cavendish, we must ask you to take your daughter home.

So a little spunky.

Lindsay, the ayatollah Khomeini was spunky.

You are dangerous.

Does this mean you won't send me to Vassar?

I couldn't get you into Vassar with a crowbar.

Hey, hot pants, when you coming back?

What would your poor mother say, God rest her soul?

It's the fourth school in as many years.

Well, at least I'm consistent.

Oh, young lady, I've been thinking about this a long time.

And now I finally decided.

I'm putting you to work in one of my restaurants.

To work?

Don't go any further, Father.

Oh, no, Daddy.

You wouldn't.

You wouldn't do what you always threatened to do.

Oh, no, no, please, please, please.

You wouldn't really make me be up.

My dress.

Oh, God.

The Mature Teen Guide to Picking Up Nick.

Hint number one.

New York is a sports festival.

Don't dog it, girl.

Find your modern man at the crack of dawn, jogging, asking to run with you.

It's so dull doing it all alone.

Hi.

How are you today?

Oh, fine.

Good.

How about a jog?

It's so dull doing it all alone.

I never do it before breakfast.

Second foot.

I'd love to run with you.

Have you been jogging for a long time?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I love a good jog.

How about yourself?

A little over a year now.

Since just after my wife left me.

It's been a real strain on me.

Jogging?

No, my divorce.

But let's not talk about it.

My divorce, yeah.

That's why I started running in the first place.

As a kind of therapy.

Get my mind off my wife, Janet.

You see, I couldn't stop thinking about her.

How about now?

Are you over Janet?

Janet!

Don't you ever mention the name Janet!

I don't want to ever hear you say the name Janet to me again!

Don't you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever say Janet again!

Janet.

I'll never forget the first time I saw her with another man.

It was one of those cool, strange, peculiar...

You can audition on Sundays.

I don't believe it.

You know, if you'd move in with me already, we'd have all the time in the world.

Now, you know I can't afford to share your rent.

What share rent?

I told you I'd pay your share of the rent.

Look, I want to be free to live my own life and not live my life for free.

Uh, miss, there's a fly in my soup.

Will you please move in?

Mm-hmm.

Veggies?

No, thank you.

Why not?

Just give me one good reason why not.

I don't like veggies.

I want you as a lover and not a landlord.

Miss, there's a fly in my soup.

All right, I'll move in with you.

Hey, five can lift you to the floor, right?

Did I forget anything?

As a matter of fact, there's a fly in my soup.

Oh, marvelous!

Oh, just fabulous, sugar!

Just fabulous!

Miss Andrea Morgan.

Heathcliff, I've never... Oh, next!

Miss Haney LaRue.

I am in a very good mood today.

I just found out I'm getting federal funds.

My body's been declared a disaster area.

Lovely, sweetheart.

Oh, just too much sugar.

This production is about living.

First thing we're gonna do...

undress.

And we're gonna take this chicken fat...

and we're gonna...

rub it...

all over our body.

Miss Haney... Sorry, I gotta see your union card.

Beat it.

Taboo man.

Look, I'll double up his crew and help with the sets for free.

No, Miss Morgan.

I'll sell popcorn at intermission.

No, Miss Morgan.

I'll guarantee your losses and back your next three productions.

No, Miss Morgan.

I'll wash your socks tonight and make love to your wife and have her baby.

No, Miss Morgan.

Does this mean I don't get the part?

Wait!

Wait!

Can't you take a hint?

The answer is... No!

No!

No!

No, Miss Morgan.

No!

No!

No!

No!

All right, all right, all right.

Andrea, do you know what time it is?

If you wanna get turned down for as many roles

as I did today, you gotta put in overtime.

Oh, honey.

Jerry, I need a new approach to this business.

Yeah, so do I.

I go make this the number one restaurant cabinet she changed.

My reward is she hoists his lousy daughter on me this morning.

Then I get 60 veal chops I never ordered and...

I've just been going through the motions.

You really care.

My next motion is bad night.

Well, Jerry, help me!

Oh, Andrea, please, I'm tired.

See?

T-I-R-E-D.

Oh, come on, honey, you do this every day.

What else can you do?

Well, for one thing, I'm through making the rounds.

I'm gonna go after one big part.

Did you say big part?

Funny you should say big part.

I was reading out in the morning ten minutes ago right here, Andrea,

in your show business.

We have big parts.

Everybody.

Not some crummy walk on so far off Broadway I gotta get a visa to go to work.

But a part worth going after.

I'm gonna focus on one part.

One part.

And I'm going to get that part.

What are you talking about now, huh?

Not any other part.

Ow!

To a man.

You're nuts!

Oh, sweet Romeo.

Oh, sweet Romeo.

Be some other name.

Christmas?

What's in a name?

Not which we call a woman's name.

Hang on a second.

Would you just stop?

Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit, huh?

I mean, how's all this craziness gonna help solve your problem?

But it's not my only problem.

Great, Andrea.

What else did you wake me up to tell me?

Auditioning makes me horny.

Now that's a problem I can help you with.

Come here, you little rat.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dost thou love me, I know thou wilt say.

Oh, I love when thou draweth my mighty sword.

At lovers' perjuries they say love laughs.

Oh, I laugh.

Oh, gentle Romeo.

If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.

Oh, I loveth thou.

Uh-oh.

Andrea?

Uh, Andy?

Hello, dear.

Huh?

I have forgotten my royal shield.

Ah.

Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,

I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay.

And thus my love for Romeo be shut.

I long to take thy wanger in my mouth.

That's all kind of Shakespeare is.

Oh.

Oh, God, I love Shakespeare.

Let's watch this.

Excuse me, Jennifer.

Do you have the time?

My Japanese... Oh, shit.

Thank you, Jennifer.

This is Big Mo.

Dessert alert.

Dessert alert.

Make it control.

Make it control.

Extend recovery effort to all parts of the main body.

Hey, honey.

Did I ever show you Big Mo's rod?

Ha, ha, ha.

Take a look at this.

Oh, nice.

I'll see you.

Woo.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Isn't the water sports stuff?

Cute.

Small.

Yeah.

But cute.

Now, shithead.

The salads.

No sense of humor in that girl.

This, this.

Out, out.

All right, Lindsey.

Your dad wants you to learn how to run the kitchen.

Let's go.

As he says, a customer will forgive anything as long as the food is good.

Now I'm going to introduce you to piebald rice.

Piebald?

What kind of name is that?

I don't know.

Russian or something.

Listen, he's a good chef, but he's dangerous when he gets drunk.

So no matter what you do, you do not, under any circumstances, give him a drink.

Who, me?

I wouldn't.

I drove you, my little Americansky, great good boy, to find a beautiful woman

to understand the soul of a Russian artist.

And drinks like one, too.

Hey, piebald.

What?

Where are my peacocks?uck!

Table number 11 is screaming!

Tell Table 11 they are not rushing, great ox.

I need a chicken piebald on charcoal.

Don't forget what I am, Mr. Memory.

Hey!

Do you know?

Bring me a bouillon.

Yes, miss please.

Jennifer, you have to keep this freezer absolutely spotless.

Oh, sugar, this is like eating honeydew melons in the middle of February.

Hey, hey.

Uh, the rescue party's here!

Hey!

We're saved, sugar, we're saved!

I knew if we took off our clothes something would happen.

How you doing, folks?

You invited them!

No, not us!

You'll never believe what happened.

Oh!

Ow!

What is this turtle doing in my soup?

The breaststroke.

Oh!

What do you do to a turtle with three mauls?

Walk him and pinch the goldfish.

Might I trouble you for a little wine?

Oh, no trouble at all, sir.

Oh!

I'm so fed up!

The ship is driving me crazy!

I just want... What?

No more chickens!

No more chickens!

How am I supposed to make chicken pie balls with no more chickens?

Unless, of course, I give them something better.

Oh!

Oh!

Ew!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

You're smelling like chicken.

Yes, sir.

Wine, please, wine.

Well, what kind of wine would you like?

Uh, a nice French wine.

Yes, sir.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, dear!

Oh, sir, please!

What could you do?

What shall we do?

Oh!

I

am going to show you my famous sauce tomatoway.

Bon appétit.

First is adding a little hot sauce.

Just a hint of hot sauce.

Only a spoonful.

A spoonful?

I don't fool around.

Then, a dash of salt.

Look about the breath.

I just lost my tip from table number 11, and I'm taking it out of your salary.

My salary?

You're not touching my salary, you!

Casa!

Sir, aren't you having any wine with your dinner?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, you must.

You must have some wine with your dinner.

Oh, I insist.

Please.

The management will be very upset.

Please, it's on the house.

Really?

Really?

Yes.

Yes?

Well, in that case, I'll have some French.

No.

No, no, I'm not falling for that again.

No.

I'll have a nice domestic wine.

Yes, sir.

Come right up.

Oh.

Vodka!

That is for us, sir.

Of course.

Wait a second.

No, no, no, no.

Vodka is for us, my friend.

Here's a little mouschkin.

Where is my glass?

Look at you, potato-headed hash slinger.

If I don't get that charcoal pool at Malsky,

you're going back to Burger King, where you belong.

Burger King?

You call?

Piebald, the great chef, potato head?

I give you potato head, I give you potato face!

I make you potato boots, I make you everything!

Boss will hear about this!

Don't worry, Piebald.

My father owns this place.

I love the bourgeoisie.

But you?

Yes, sir, your domestic wine.

Oh, thank you, thank you, yes.

Oh, you want me to do dishes?

Oh, no, no, no.

Not again, no.

I'll never do window.

This is your pie box.

Your chef is ready to serve.

And with your beer, our chef's special sauce, tomato sauce.

Thank you.

Hey, this isn't swordfish.

It's fillet of soul.

He is needing something.

You're right.

You should need just a little more Tabasco sauce.

Oh, please.

Lisa,

am I boring you?

Come on, Lisa.

What's with this beer?

Everybody's looking.

Come on.

Sit.

I'm going to start coming home a little earlier, man.

I'm going to tell you this right now.

I still have a lot of business to do.

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

I love you, dad.

Good job.

You're welcome,合 Una opa, so repair.

Hi, but will you put that fire out?

What do you think she is, Joan of Arc?

Joan of Arc?

That's it.

I could be Joan of Arc.

Why, she's been my hero ever since I read the classic comic book about her.

No one can play her as well as I can.

Andrea, George Bellman isn't some artsy-fartsy producer from Soho.

I mean, this guy's box office.

He offered the Muppets ten million dollars to do a porno film.

Gonna do it, Jerry.

Andrea, you and I both know you're a bundle of talent, right?

But we all know this business.

It's not what you know, it's who you know, right?

And we don't know nobody.

That's it!

What?

Do you remember the check-out girl at the A&E?

Well, she once told me that her aunt's next-door

neighbor once did Bellman's secretary's nails!

That's it!

I'm in!

I'm Joan of Arc!

And I'm still from Flatbush, let's boogie, mama!

And if it's so hard just thinking of you, I want the last legs...

Remember, the mature teen goes for a man with a mind, not just a body.

Do some browsing at the public library.

That's where you'll find your cosmopolitan intellectual.

Pardon me, are you interested in chemistry?

No!

Oh.

Well, that is the chemistry section you're looking through, isn't it?

Look, lady, does someone necessarily have to be interested in chemistry just to

borrow a book for their roommate, huh?

Would you tell me that, please?

Thank you.

Oh, no, not at all.

As a matter of fact, I hate chemistry.

It was my worst subject in school.

Look, lady, why the...

Would you tell me why you were asking me all these dumb questions, please?

Would you just tell me why you walked over here?

Wait a minute, I'll... I'll...

Are you making a pass at me?

Well...

You are making a pass at me, aren't you?

I'm doing this article for Mature Teen Magazine.

There.

This is incredible.

I mean, I can't believe it.

Nobody has ever walked over to me and said, Hello there, Melvin, I think you're

a wonderful person and I would really like to meet you.

I mean, I think that you are so spendiferous

that we could have a wonderful relationship.

Young man, you should be more quiet.

I know, but I'm just very happy.

You see, this young lady just made a pass at me.

What young lady?

What do you mean, what young lady?

This young lady.

Oh, my God.

I lost her.

Wait!

What?

Oh!

I'm sorry.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Well, excuse me.

Bellman stinks.

Bellman stinks.

Bellman stinks.

Bellman stinks.

I said I love you but it made you sick.

I want you, baby, but I want you quick.

Don't want you afraid.

Don't want you... Hello.

I'm Andrea Morgan, and you don't know me, but I was sent by a friend...

Oh, the temporary stenographer.

Uh...

Yes, the temporary stenographer.

Get your buns in there.

You're late already.

Yes, ma'am.

Letter to Alfred Goldfarb.

You'll find his address in our investor list.

Dear Alfred, I've just laid my hands on Joan of Arc.

It is written by Rufus Zogbaum.

And, boy, is he terrific.

It's an excellent investment.

Look at the size of that pickle.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I was just looking at my pickle.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Joan is the hottest property I've come across in years.

You will remember it's about this little French lass...

who bellows encouragement to the cowardly Dauphine to drive out the English...

does battle at the head of the entire French army...

and then is taken by the Spanish inquisition who burn her as a witch.

Are you getting all this?

Huh?

Oh, um, yes, sir.

Uh, where was I?

I'm Miss Simmons.

The temporary stenographer sent over by the agency.

Yeah, and I'm Bo Derek.

Listen, honey, that's the oldest trick in the book.

You want an audition?

Get your ass over there and wait your turn.

But I am the stenographer.

Listen!

You get your ass over there or I'll turn that prune face in a prune whip.

Thank you, Miss Derek.

Bitch.

Hey, lady, who said you could get ahead of the line?

Yeah, who said you could get ahead of the line?

Alfred, I hope you will stick with me on this script.

I know it is right up your alley.

My best regards to your wife, George Bellman.

Uh, will you read that back to me now, Miss Morgan?

Uh, Miss Morgan?

Huh?

Will you read that back to me now?

Oh, uh...

Dear Alfred...

Yes?

Go on.

I have just laid Rufus down.

He's a Zogbomb and boy, is he terrific.

Wow, the size of his pickle.

Joan is a hot little French ass who blows an English dolphin, gives head to the

entire French army before she is burnt for being a bitch.

I hope you will take this script and stick it up your wife.

Yours truly, George Bellman.

That's a very nice letter, my dear.

And the nice part of it is you wrote it all but yourself without any help from me.

Oh, Mr. Bellman, I'm sorry, but you see, I'm not really a stenographer.

You're kidding.

It's about Joan of Arc.

What are you?

A reporter?

A fire marshal?

No, I'm an actress.

Oh, an actress.

Not just an actress, but Joan herself.

Come back to triumph in an age that understands me.

On Broadway, no doubt.

Oh, Mr. Bellman, if you'd just seen me act, you'd see... I'm perfect for the part.

I have seen you act.

You play a lousy stenographer.

I think it is time for you to leave now.

Miss Sharkey.

English dog.

Just don't think you can frighten me with hollow threats.

Joan of Arc is burning to leave.

I am on French soil.

And a single Frenchman on his native ground is worth a thousand English away from home.

Stay away, wench.

I'm a brown belt.

I'm a black belt.

I'm taking the window.

Come on, honey.

You're taking the mansion.

Courage, Joan.

Though my flesh be burned, courage till the end.

Goodbye, Joan.

Enough goodbye.

Au revoir.

Sorry,

but it's the only thing those chief producers of this film would spring for.

The last one I do for them.

Look, on the streets of New York, we're just an average, everyday couple.

Average my ass.

And that's a lot of ass.

What are you doing there?

I mean, don't you think you're overdoing it a little bit?

I look like a raisin from one of those commercials.

No.

If anything, I feel like I've left something out.

Impossible.

Really?

Do you see what I see?

No way, Andrea.

You'd never get away with it.

No way.

Oh, I'm a whiz with horses.

Read my lips.

No.

Please.

You promised me you'd help me.

Oh, please, no.

I love New York.

Excuse me, officer.

I believe this is my car you're ticketing.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

But I believe it's legally parked.

Come on, pal.

Check the sign.

I'm begging your officer's pardon.

I have read that sign.

And it says no standing.

It don't say nothing about no parking.

Same thing.

Well, if it's the same thing, how come you got to do it with a sign?

Look, Jack.

No standing means you're not allowed to park while you're sitting in your vehicle.

Well, Sam, why didn't the sign just say no sitting?

Because when you're sitting in your vehicle, you're not sitting.

Oh, I'm not, huh?

Well, if I'm not sitting when I'm sitting in my

car, what am I doing when I'm not sitting in my car?

You're parking.

I'm not standing here talking to you?

Nope.

I'm parking.

That's right.

Now, look.

I'm driving along here in my car, and I pull up to the curb.

What am I doing?

Are you sitting in the vehicle?

Of course I'm sitting in the vehicle.

Then you're standing.

Why am I standing?

Because you're standing.

Sitting in the car.

Okay, okay.

Let me try this from the beginning.

I'm driving along here in my car and I pull up to the car.

I start to get out of the car, so I'm not sitting and I'm not standing because.

..

I have one foot in the car and one foot on the street.

Now what am I doing?

You're pushing your luck.

What am I doing?

You're loading.

I'm getting out of my car, but I'm loading.

That's it.

You're loading.

Alright, I think I got it.

Now you tell me just the way it goes.

When I'm sitting in my car, I'm standing.

And when I'm not sitting in my car, I'm not standing outside my car, I'm parked.

And when I'm parking, I'm not sitting or standing

or parking, because, by some miracle, I'm loading.

Is that it?

That's it.

Say, you're swell, pal.

Listen, you mind if I ask you one more question?

Are you actually planning on riding that signpost,

or are you just afraid it's going to get away?

Silly!

Hey!

Come back here!

Frankly, investing in a Broadway play, for me, is a horse of a different color,

and who are you going to get as a named star?

Oh, I assure you, Alfred, Joan of Arc is a sound investment.

And as a matter of fact, I am currently negotiating with Laura Ball to play the lead.

Laura Ball, huh?

Isn't she a bit old to be playing Joan of Arc?

Well, I actually played the original.

But with her name on the marquee, she guarantees us a profit.

Oh, Alfred, let's invest.

We'll be so excited to have a piece of a Broadway play.

We could have a party in the opening night.

We could invite the Winslows and Harriet Gubel.

She'll be green when I tell her.

Well, Bellman, your investment sounds just too good to pass up.

But I don't know.

Theater people, they've always seemed, well, rather unpredictable.

You know, eccentric.

Oh, Alfred, I assure you, I'm a conservative businessman just like you.

As a matter of fact, I have a reputation for being quite... Nothing more, thank you.

For being quite conservative.

What the devil is that?

This is goose pâté.

Why?

I, my old chap, can see it is I, Joan, maid of all the earth, the

barrow-bearer de Montrecourt, who crowned the king in his cathedral at...

at Rees.

Oh!

Oh!

I'm sorry for my son, too.

Horrible creature.

Bees!

Bees!

Whores!

I be not.

Am not.

Damn it, do you know perfectly well who I be?

What's the meaning of this, Bellman?

Do you know this woman?

Why, certainly not.

Will you get the hell out of here?

Why, get the audition now.

No!

Alfred, stop talking business with me.

Yow wife of mine insulted by a horse.

She says it very often.

Then who live in this buffoon of these eyes.

A fool, a b, buffoon.

Why, Joan, this be no buffoon, this be Monsieur Alfred de Gaufford,

the king's chief creditor.

That does it, Bellman, I will not be made a fool of any longer.

Well, good knave, you've been a fool far too long as it is.

Oh, please, how could I assure you all of it can be explained?

Don't humble yourself, Charlie.

Tell this knave to be off and to take his harlot with him.

Come, little one.

Lydia!

Lydia!

Lydia!

Lydia!

Lydia!

Lydia!

Do you realize that man whose wife you just assaulted...

could have backed my whole production without batting an eyelash?

I guess I just got carried away.

Well, he is a bit of a buffoon now, isn't he?

A bit?

Did you see his face when you...

Now, look here.

If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna call the police.

All right, I'm going, but you haven't seen the last of me, do you?

I'm not George Bellman.

I'm going to hound your every step.

Every time you turn around, I'm going to be there as Joan...

until you see that I'm perfect for the part.

Nothing here.

Pull over.

Where'd you find the horse?

Back.

We had lunch together.

Hello, Charlie.

Is I the ghost of Joan of Arc?

Burned at the stake.

Come back to haunt the man... whom I crowned in his cathedral at Reims...

and who did not raise a farthing for my ransom.

He did give me a Reim job.

When evening falls, go after the strong silent type.

But remember, these men are very shy.

So ask him about himself.

Only you can bring him out of his shell.

Excuse me, Mr. Fuehler.

How tall did you say you were?

Six feet.

And eleven inches.

Looking for a clean-cut guy?

Check out your neighborhood laundromat.

If you're lucky, he may ask to share your detergent.

Speed.

Action.

What would you say if I took away your detergent?

And ripped your blouse in half?

Hey, are you crazy or something?

That's my favorite blouse!

I don't believe this!

Wouldn't I check?

Hey, boss, I think she dropped these.

I don't think she, uh, uses our product.

If you're tired of all the gimmicks and artificial ingredients, go organic.

Forget the discos and cocktail parties.

Head for the beach.

That's where you'll find a real man.

Tell me I'm right

I've been here before I know that for sure When you're close to me Open the door Put

me right next to you When all else fails, the

way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

The mature teen makes sure her man gets a gourmet luncheon.

Here's your lunch, Bill.

Oh, great.

Oh, no.

Are you all right?

Um...

Shall we go out to lunch?

I'll get changed.

Tell me, what do you do in real life?

I'm a writer.

Well, trying to be a writer.

Hey, hold the phone.

You're kidding.

I'm doing an article now for Mature Teen magazine.

Great.

What about?

Well, it's about picking up...

It's about men.

Picking up men?

Bill, how come you never talk about yourself?

Why are you always so quiet and serious?

I'm in training.

Oh, that's so gory.

Is there lots of blood?

Blood?

Yeah, sometimes there's lots of blood.

And doesn't it hurt?

We have certain drugs which take care of that.

Drugs?

Oh, that's so dangerous.

Yeah, sometimes it's a matter of life and death.

For the patient.

What do you mean, for the patient?

I'm a doctor.

As I'm training to be a surgeon, I've got another year

left in medical school, then internship and residency.

And if you want to specialize, it's more.

I never knew this sort of thing existed in New York.

Yeah, it's a pretty sunset, isn't it?

Reminds me of the ones we had back home in Indiana.

So pretty.

You know, sometimes when there are clouds around the sunset, it reminds me of the

way my Ma used to mash instant potatoes in her blender.

What a lovely way of putting it.

You think so?

Don't worry.

You can let him have a little kiss.

It won't lead anywhere.

Because you're in control, girl.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Told

you, all the boys must wash hands before leaving the restroom.

Hey, Jerry, are you paying for the old bag's lunch again?

Three plates of beans?

No wonder she gets around so fast.

Put her on my personal account.

And hey, don't call Mrs. Margolis an old bag.

Who'd have thought?

Malignant haemorrhoids.

You tried your best, Doctor.

How are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, God bless you.

Thank you.

Hi.

Does Jennifer Martin work here?

Well, yeah, Jennifer works here.

Oh, good.

You see, she tried to pick me up.

I mean, we met at the library the other day...

and I thought I'd like to come in and see her, you know what I mean?

Well, why don't you have a seat?

She'll be back in a few minutes.

Thank you.

I will.

Is Jennifer here?

Well, she's not here now, but she works here.

This reminds me of the place I met my wife, Janet.

Janet?

Janet!

Don't you ever mention the name Janet!

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Jennifer.

Hi.

Jennifer left these the other day.

Did you tell her that I washed them for her?

There she is!

Are these wide enough for you, Jenny?

Oh, Bill, wait!

God, Jennifer!

Bill, please wait!

I can't wait!

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

I need your lovin'.

I'm the one to please ya, not someone to tease ya.

I need your lovin'.

I'll never be the same.

Because you're driving me insane.

Lindsay, you're supposed to have a conversation

with him before you start taking your clothes off.

It's not my fault.

I just didn't have anything interesting to say.

I think little Miss Hotpants here wants to do your research for matured teens.

By the way, how's it going?

Oh, pretty good.

Except the guy I interviewed at the laundromat brought

my bra and panties back, and Bill got the wrong idea.

Now he won't even talk to me.

What about all those women patients in his work?

Yeah, just taking their clothes off in front of him.

Oh, doctor, I've got an ear infection.

Take your clothes off.

Didn't Bill say that he had a big presentation tomorrow in obstetrics class?

Something about the menstrual cycle?

I used to have a menstrual cycle, but I traded for a Honda.

Hey, Jen, I think Bill would just love for you to attend his presentation.

Yeah, I think he'd be proud.

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

Now, cramps are just one of the physical

indications of this part of the menstrual cycle.

Another is engorgement from dilated blood vessels,

as is evidenced here on the Swenson twins.

Now, during non-menstrual periods of the cycle, both

girls are fairly similar in both size and weight.

Babs Swenson, as you can see, is not engorged.

Her menstrual flow ceased last week.

However, her twin sister, Bunny, has considerable

engorgement, particularly in the breast area.

This is due to hormonal changes which occurred

during this period of simulated pregnancy.

Now, as you will recall, during pregnancy, there is both

breast enlargement and nipple and areola pigmentation.

I would ask you here to please notice the

enlargement of the areola around the nipple.

The breast itself is considerably firmer than

during non-menstrual periods of the cycle.

Bill Whiteley!

Jennifer?

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

What are you doing here?

Do what you said about my work.

Your work?

Yeah, all of it.

Oh, my apologies, Dr. Kleinbaum.

And excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, just take a second this lady is to raise.

I'm sorry.

Why?

Got you red-handed, Bill.

This is obstetrics class.

This is my life.

How low can you get?

You know, he gets mad at me just because I like to talk to men on street corners.

That has nothing to do with it!

He wanted me to give up my career.

Your career?

But it's only one article for a lousy gossip brand!

You gonad face!

Your hands were cold anyway.

Order!

Look, I gotta run to the bank.

You think you can set up for me while I'm gone?

Who, me?

Look, it's either you or Mo.

And if Andrea ever shows up today, will you tell her she's late again?

Do you know, we'd wear the tablecloths.

Where's Jerry gone?

Out, and he left me in charge.

Well, I don't know what you're gonna do, boss.

But that lady back there wants to sign her check.

Yeah, that's Mrs. Margolis.

Jerry always lets her sign.

Hey, wait a minute.

Let me take care of this.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I'm gonna hate myself in the morning, but at least

for once, Jerry's gonna appreciate something I do.

Excuse me, miss, but I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Because we have this new policy of no more credit.

And, um, really, you'll have to abide to those rules from now on.

Okay, great.

I'll pay you back your money over here.

I just, you know...

If you'll excuse me now, which time, sir?

Should I be leiung to flog you now?

So, have you put fish in it?

Oh, I bowl it anyway, madam, but...

Be稀 sore.

I get things done fairly on time,onde.

If you ever come for an outing with someone, go ahead and take a bath.

I'll be lying in here.

I'm just, you know... Yes, and I'm not so...置 gymp.

Are Millie!

It's you!

What's the matter, George?

Of course it's me!

Where to, Bob?

The 73rd and 30th.

Yes!

What a Joan of Arc!

Come back!

I am not!

It'll be 3.50.

Good afternoon.

Can I take your order now?

Yes.

We'll start with the cherry stone clams.

It's not really you.

I know it's not really you.

If I close my eyes, you'll disappear.

George, have you lost your mind?

I'm having another one of my patients.

The young lady's attractive, but there's no need to overdo it.

It is me!

It's you!

It's her!

It's her.

The girl who's been hounding me.

Joan of Arc!

That's Joan of Arc.

No, of course it isn't.

She's only pretending to be Joan of Arc.

Do you know she looks to me as though she's pretending to be a waitress?

I really am your waitress.

Nonsense!

You're an actress!

She's an actress.

I'm an actress.

I have been trying to tell you she is an actress, therefore she cannot be a waitress.

Begone, child!

Oh, for goodness sake, George.

You've got it all backwards.

If she is an actress, then she must be a waitress.

Have you forgotten that I was a waitress when you met me?

You were a waitress?

And an actress.

Now, Millie... And I could have been a star, too.

If Mr. Big Shot here hadn't been left over from the Middle Ages and made me quit.

Mr. Bellman, shame on you.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, you wait a minute, George.

Honey, have you been trying to get my husband

to give you a part in one of his productions?

All I want is an audition.

I'm not asking for any special favors.

I'm asking for an audition.

No.

No.

No audition.

George, I am not going to let you stand in the way of

this girl's career the way you stood in the way of mine.

But I've already promised Joan of Arc to Laura Ball.

Laura Ball?

That old bag.

Now, how do you expect a woman older than I am to play an 18-year-old girl?

Please, Mr. Bellman, just give me a chance.

All right.

All right?

All right.

If you promise you'll leave me alone afterward.

But as far as I'm concerned, Laura Ball is still Joan.

Now, do you still want that audition or not?

Yes!

Oh, just don't let me see your face until Friday in my office.

And don't bring your steno pad.

And don't bring your horse.

And don't bring your friend the court jester.

I did it!

Jennifer.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to lock up alone?

Oh, sure.

All right.

Thanks, kid.

Appreciate it.

Bye-bye.

Oh, Andrea, congratulations on your audition.

Thanks.

Thanks again.

When you're looking for a perfect relationship,

don't be afraid to try something a little different.

Who knows?

You may learn something.

And you may like it.

Hey, sugar!

How you doing?

Sugar?

Sugar?

You've held out longer than most.

I got a hand.

You know, you've been here a week, and we still haven't gotten together.

When are you gonna come up to my apartment?

When are you gonna come up to my apartment?

You all right?

No person could kill working at this desk.

What am I gonna do with this?

Well, what do you say, sugar?

You gonna come on up to my apartment?

Huh?

Huh?

You know, it's like they say on the beach bar.

You've tried the rest.

Now try the best.

Hey, I want you to know that I really appreciate this.

Just me and you, no roommates.

It's a miracle.

Well, I admit it took some doing.

I had to get Barbara theater tickets to make her go out tonight.

Wouldn't have that problem if we had a place of our own, you know.

Tan it!

Now, I promised you a quiet evening, and that's what you're going to get.

Hmm, and I promised you lots of champagne, and

that's just one of the things you're gonna get.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha-ha, ha, ha!

I just wanna lock up some more of these shelves.

I'm so glad you could stop by.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Just got one more little thing, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Mm!

Now, that'll keep us safe from any of them, uh New York pre-bird muggers.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Come on in there, sugar.

Just make yourself at home.

Let me ask you something, sugar.

Are you the kind of girl that likes music?

Oh, sure.

Hey, hey, I knew you wouldn't do it!

I'm gonna put some on right now.

Oh, Terry.

Is that champagne?

I thought I smelled it from my room.

What about the theater?

I canceled.

My stomach is upset and my nose is running.

Sorry, I can't offer you any food, but we weren't expecting any third parties.

Do you mind if I ask you a quick question?

How can you smell champagne from your room with a cold?

Yeah...

I'll get it.

Daddy, Bob Cobb here.

Send him.

Oh, Sid, wait a minute.

Is that champagne I smell getting out of the way, son?

Yeah.

Evening.

Name's Halsey, the plumber.

I'm here about the marble sinks.

Marble sinks?

Well, don't float!

This music sucks.

I'm gonna put on some real music.

These little sire Fredsies owes the name, and dirt is my game.

And I have a little idea that you're not gonna believe.

A little idea?

I have a little machine here.

It steams, it cleans, it creams.

If you'll just allow me to trash up your already filthy carpet.

Pretty grisly sight, you might say.

What the hell's going on, you might ask.

Well, have no fear, Fredsiebo's here.

I'm going to introduce you to a little machine that cleans, it steams, it creams.

It'll do more tricks than a five dollar whore on

Friday night, and it has better sucking action, too.

It do?

It do?

It did?

It did hugely, to be honest.

You well hung?

What?

Pizza part with the Mr. and Mrs. Well hung.

No.

I come in whose fault?

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, pizza.

Hey, party!

Hey, Missy.

I find that rhythm kind of, uh, stentuous myself.

So, sugar, what do you think of my spread, huh?

Oh, you don't have to answer.

See, because I know, see, I know, I know all the girls at work.

They done told you about my, my home.

Entertainment unit!

Whoo!

Better than just a dreamer.

There is a spirit you must know.

Oh, as I shut the lights, and he comes to me once more.

They

will receive pleasure.

Hey, shut up!

Love on the street, serving New York's elite, all night long.

Oh, okay, Philly.

Ready?

Let's see how you do on the quarter mile.

No, Mo.

No, no.

Mo, when you say that.

Hey, mister, don't make joke on me.

I want you to help me sell somebody a champagne.

Champagne?

Is this like sake?

Sake?

Sake to me.

Okay, okay, sugar.

I get it.

I get it.

You're the kind of girl that likes it...

Why are you crazy or something?

That's my favorite part.

Hey, whoo-hoo.

Here we go.

Oh, Mo.

Yeah?

I know.

You really could.

Oh, I know.

The girls told you, huh?

Can I tell you how I really liked it?

Oh, sure, sugar.

When it comes to you out-of-town babes, you're all the same to Big Mo.

Well, you see, the reason I left Indiana...

Yeah?

Well, it's because I like it kinky.

Kinky?

Did you say kinky?

Kinky?

Oh, kinky.

Oh, did you like some kinky?

Did you hear that, Julie Henry?

You like some kinky.

Sugar, I'll do whatever way you want to.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'll make it up to you.

Next time I'll take you out to eat.

Oh, that's very nice.

Very nice.

Except I work in a restaurant six days a week.

I don't want to go to one on my night off.

What's the alternative?

Well, the alternative is... We are getting a place of our own.

This would be a nice place for the fall.

Listen, how come every time I try to talk to you, I have to hear about Joan of Arc?

Did you say you want the John Donne?

Isn't that a bit dreary?

But that just happens to be the most important thing in my life right now.

Well, if you feel that stubbornly about it.

Although I did take a part.

Part, did you say?

We got parts.

He even has a special glass cleaning attachment.

Maybe I ought to get one of them things for my wife.

What about your wife?

Tell me that you want to marry her.

Admit it.

You're a chauvinist.

You hate the idea that my career is just as important as yours.

You hate my acting.

God damn it, that's right.

I hate your acting.

And I hate your god damn women's live independently.

Because if you were really so independent, you

wouldn't be so afraid of getting more involved with me.

I'm not independent.

You, you, you male chauvinist.

Oh, so you are a male chauvinist.

I'll give you chauvinist pig.

From now on, when you come into my restaurant,

you punch my clock and you become my waitress.

So that's Mr. Male Chauvinist.

And we have to have the pig to you.

Well, Joan and I won't be coming to your restaurant anymore.

Nancy, how are you doing?

What's that brute been doing to you, hon?

Tormenting you?

The girls are going to stick together.

This, you lousy hippie.

Well, if it's on the carpet, we'll just clean

it up with our special cocaine attachments.

We're a filly from Indiana.

You sure know a lot about men, Sugar.

When will we begin?

Just a second, Moe.

I don't want this to be over too quickly.

I really want to enjoy this.

So do I.

Yeah, Sugar.

What are you putting the clothes on for?

Are you sure you're still turning on?

Oh, listen to this.

I still haven't lost the old touch.

Come on, Sugar, let's get going.

I can't wait.

Oh, I'm happy.

Hey, hey, hey, Sugar.

Hey, what y'all doing?

Oh, we're going for a ride.

Wait, wait a minute, Sugar.

The bedroom's the other way.

Listen to the hallway, Sugar.

Hey, Sugar, what kind of kinky is this?

Sugar, I'm losing my heart on it.

Sugar, this isn't an argument.

It's a joke, right?

Nice joke.

Wait, Sugar, I'm not laughing anymore.

Jennifer, wait a minute.

Aren't you forgetting something?

I say you actually call me by my human name.

You're learning, Sugar.

But you're right.

There is something I'm forgetting.

Good evening, folks.

Just checking out hallway security here.

And, you know, any strange happenings lately or anything?

Miss Watson, reserve me a table for eight at the restaurant for Friday.

Tell young Cobra I'm bringing some important stockholders.

Make sure that my daughter is on her best behavior.

Yes, sir.

You don't understand.

I haven't seen Mrs. Margolis around here lately.

Oh, her, I know.

I gave her the boot.

You what?

The court is trying to sign against her.

They told her not to come back unless she had cash.

Really?

Are you crazy?

I thought it would please you.

I mean, yes, I...

Oh, yeah, I'm delighted that you gave the boot to the

woman who gave me my start in the restaurant business.

That bag woman?

That bag woman happened to have been one of the greatest chefs in the city of New York.

Until she developed a tragic allergy to Teflon.

Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.

I really am.

Just like you were sorry about all the other crap

you pulled here and getting piebald drunk, right?

Look, I said I was sorry.

Now, there's no need to talk to me that way.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

As long as I run this restaurant, I'll talk to you any way I want.

As long as I run this restaurant.

As long as I run this family.

You sound just like my father.

Anybody with an IQ over 75 can run this restaurant.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you make that an IQ of 25 and you got the job?

And what's that supposed to mean?

It means, you little shit, you've inherited your

daddy's business a little ahead of schedule.

Because I quit.

It's all yours, Miss Cavendish.

All yours.

The whole kit and caboodle.

The paint's peeling in the kitchen.

The stove leaks gas.

And we're down one waitress since Joan of Marty's been rioting out of here.

Oh, yes, you might be interested about a very special party we have coming in.

The Cavendish party.

Good luck.

Daddy!

Oh, no!

Borscht, borscht.

A co-cheese omelet on rye and a pine cone.

An ayatollah to the starlight, then.

An ayatollah and tequila to the sub-basement.

Hey!

You're back to what you were, Ralph!

Come back!

You really should try the borscht here.

It's absolutely excellent.

It's better than the borscht I had when I went to Russia.

Oh, I'm so impressed.

I told you to serve those rolls!

Want some rolls, sir?

I'll serve some rolls.

Here's my first serve.

Ball, lousy service, no tip.

What is this thing you're doing?

I'm celebrating.

Revolution.

To you, Tavoris.

For throwing out that lousy ball chouette.

I am erasing him from my life.

Ball, you blitz.

Liquor has not touched my lips.

Oh, no?

Then you must have developed a sore cut.

I've got 70 customers out there.

One more drink, Pookie, and then I begin to cook.

Absolutely not.

You've had plenty already.

Lindsay, you'd better give it to him.

Even Jerry lets him have a nip now and then.

Now do more, Ralph.

Now get over here and get to work.

Hey!

You boss me in my kitchen?

I run this mission kitchen.

I don't make a few crumbs.

But I am good cook and you are lousy balls chouette worse than him was.

Hi, Ball.

I've got customers out there.

And I'm not going to keep them waiting for this beet shit.

Beet shit!

Beet shit!

I spit in your beet shit.

Don't spit into it also.

I spit again in your beet shit.

Hey!

I want to get me some of that spit in there, too.

We have some of that spit in here, too.

Beet shit!

I've been working here four years and I'm going to spit in this shit.

What is happening here?

Stop!

Stop!

Everybody, stop!

Let's go.

Wait!

Wait!

Shit!

This is his balls.

This is still balls.

When an American spits in it... it is beet shit.

I quit, Nazvadenia, douchebag!

Come back, you russki!

I quit!

You hear it?

I quit!

I don't need this.

I am big time chef.

I could work anywhere.

I don't need it.

This is table 11.

Right?

You are table 11.

Excuse me, table 11, but I have been hearing you in the kitchen all day,

breaking my Russian back.

Nazvadenia!

Peasants, old peasants!

They don't love you!

Here's your borscht.

It tastes like... beet chip to me.

Sure beats the shit out of me, too.

It's my chip!

It's my chip!

It is mine!

Get away from me, you pig-faced scum!

Who's going to do the cooking?

Don't worry, Mokin.

It's a pie bowl.

We'll find some of those later.

Excuse me, miss.

I had a reservation here some 20 minutes ago.

What's going on?

I'm really sorry, sir, but we're having a small problem in the kitchen.

I'll see you as soon as possible.

I can.

Lindsay, Lindsay, there's a gas leak in the kitchen!

Did you put the gears in?

You can't be here for another hour.

Jose's trying to do something with it now.

I don't know.

Do something with the body.

Hey, all right, all right.

Come on.

Lindsay,

I'm doing the best I can.

Damn it.

There's something wrong with that girl.

All right, let me see now.

I'll put two of everything in here.

And you.

Don't worry, Clyde.

You break one whole blade and I'm going to cut off those little fingers of yours.

Well, I recognize the voice, but it ain't a different tune.

Hey, get back to work.

All right.

Shit, Mom, I'm hungry.

I'm hungry, too.

Three, four, go.

Three, four, go.

Three, four, go.

Three, four, go.

This is the best damn chicken tea I've ever seen.

What?

There's something moving in here.

Hey, this damn shit's alive.

Help, help, it's got me.

Help, sit down.

What, no sugar?

No, no sugar.

I like this.

Get him going.

Everybody, let him out of the kitchen.

Hurry up.

Put him down.

No, no.

Oh, shoot.

Steve, help.

Help me, Clyde.

Take the couch, come on.

Go get help.

Hurry up.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Go get help, huh?

Three, four, go.

Three, four, go.

Three, four, go.

Hey,

Elsa, would you cover that new girl's station?

I just let her go.

I can't.

I'm already covering Barbara's sick.

Where the hell is Barbara?

She's at the gynecologist.

She had her fitting today.

And Andrea's gone.

Well, my father's coming in tonight with a bunch of appalled clients.

At least nothing else came of the world.

What are you trying to say?

Miss Cavendish, I'm going to sue your Rosie with us.

When I finish with you, I'm going to own the whole Machuga restaurant.

What the hell are you doing?

Lindsay told me to serve the rolls.

Have a piece of chicken.

What that about does it?

If you read it for George at the table, I'll have

you audition the way you just read it for me.

You're a shoo-in.

Believe me, after 35 years, I know what he needs in a Joan of Arc.

Mrs. Bellman, how can I thank you?

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Besides, you remind me of myself at your age.

Now, Laura Ball reminds me of myself at my age.

Merde.

Thank you.

Miss Watson, let me speak to my father.

Hey, when he comes on, tell him I say hi.

Terry!

Dad, I just want to say that Jerry says hello.

Well, that's nice, sweetheart.

Yes.

Goodbye.

I was a creep.

I mean, how were you supposed to know about Mrs. Margolis?

Gosh, I thought you'd never come back.

Are you kidding me?

This place is my career.

It's my baby.

It's everything.

So let's get to work, all right?

Wait a second.

There's a couple of small problems in there.

Hey, nothing we can't handle, right?

Oh, you redecorated.

Looks... Ah!

Jerry?

Jerry, are you okay?

Look, I tried my best.

Frankly, Lindsay, I don't give a damn.

Let's get this place cleaned up!

Come on!

Hey!

Hey!

What are you saying?

Hey!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

You can stay the next month sometime.

.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Jan, we got the place ready to go, except I can't find anyone to cook.

Oh, plus we're still down a girl.

Well, that's one problem you can scratch.

Patria!

What about your addition?

I waited in Bellman's office for an hour and a half.

And that gorilla he calls a receptionist told me it was gonna be a no show.

Don't you think you ought to get on the phone and do something about it?

There's one down the street.

While I was there, I began to think.

I didn't think that I was chasing a pipe dream.

Waitresses just don't become Broadway stars overnight.

But you're not a waitress.

You and Joan quit, remember?

Yeah?

Who'd you get to replace me?

Come on, I can get a hundred girls by tonight.

A hundred part-time space cadets who won't help you get out of this jam.

Look, don't you start worrying about my job.

You worry about Joan of Arc.

And to tell you the truth, I'm more concerned about getting a chef.

Wait a minute.

I've got this great idea.

I'll be right back.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Trust me, and if I'm not back here by the time my

father gets here, well, just tell him it's all my fault.

Lindsay, wait!

I need you!

I need Lindsay?

Oh, God, I am in trouble.

Looks like you're stuck with me.

Touch in!

Right this way, Mr. Cabbage Message.

Mr. Cavendish.

This way, Fred.

Table 11.

Bill?

Okay.

Glad it's working.

We're gonna have a great time tonight.

Fred, Ethel, when you taste the food here, I know you'll invest.

Mr. Cavendish, our chef is giving your order his personal attention.

Well, uh, good things take time.

So they do.

And he knows how to make me feel so sweet.

So you and me gonna pick the beat.

And we're all gonna dance up a one-way street.

Lindsay, I'm gonna kill you.

Hello, Aluminum Signing.

Relax.

She just called and said she was on her way.

Oh, is that all she said?

Great.

No, that's not all she said.

She said to trust her.

Trust her?

I'm gonna kill her.

Dancing up a one-way street.

Dancing up a one-way street.

I don't understand.

This is our flagship restaurant.

This has never happened before, and it won't happen again.

Hey, young man, I had my secretary call you this

afternoon to make sure everything was all right.

Well, I know you did, sir.

Look, I've got something to tell you.

Yes?

You see, I was relying...

Relying on the old adage where the customer will

forgive anything as long as the food is good?

Well, if you'll please forgive two more minutes.

Lindsay!

Just two minutes, okay?

Two minutes.

What's happening here?

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm really gonna kill you this time.

Mrs. Margolis?

Oh, please don't be mad at me, Jerry.

Or should I call you Mr. Cooper now?

Oh, don't you dare call me that.

And how can I be mad at you when you're saving my life?

She made me do it.

I didn't think I could do it anymore, but she gave me courage.

Wait a minute.

What about your allergy to Teflon?

I got shot.

Well, let's not stand around here sending each other valentines.

We've got meals to prepare.

For once, she's right.

Dr. Margolis.

Cucumber Margolis.

The whole thing is just beautiful.

And all of Margolis is fantastic.

So, how is everything, sir?

What?

Why, this duck is magnificent.

No, but I...

I'm not thinking I had it before.

A long time ago.

Oh, well, I doubt that.

It's called duck Margolis.

It's a very... Duck Margolis?

Not the Madame Margolis.

Why, yes.

Do you know her?

Know her?

Why, we went to cooking school together.

She helped me pass my duck stuffing test at the Cordon Bleu.

You went to cooking school?

Well, of course I did.

I may be wearing a three-piece suit now, but I wasn't when I started.

Just think.

Madame Margolis in my own kitchen at the Cordon Bleu.

Oh, the Cordon Bleu.

How I found my man in New York City.

Jennifer's article.

Why couldn't you wait?

Mrs. Bellman, why couldn't you wait?

Everybody in show business is late for appointments.

How could you do this to me?

How could you spoil our career?

Hey, don't look at me.

I had nothing to do with it.

Mrs. Bellman, will you please stop acting like it's the end of the world?

I'll call your husband tomorrow and reschedule the audition.

You little fool.

Don't you know that he is planning to sign a

length of the play contract with Laura Bellman?

It's still not the end of the world.

Now, I may have lost the man I love.

Now, that's serious.

She's behaving like the real Joan of Arc.

Look, what about after dinner?

Can you get your husband to come here for a drink?

Impossible.

He's so furious at you.

Nothing could get him to set foot in this play short of holding a gun to his head.

Okay.

Okay what?

We hold a gun to his head.

Now, Jerry.

Hush.

Jennifer, stick to Sue.

Now, Jerry.

Hush.

Now, look.

Mrs. Bellman.

If he can get your husband to come by here after dinner.

Just walk by with his party.

Well, I suppose so.

But what's the point?

Jerry Cooper to the rescue part two.

Look, you know the alley between the two buildings here?

Yeah.

I am still holding on.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Will you get out of here?

Geez.

How can you go out of the house with a run in your stocking for crying out loud?

Oh, shit.

That's what I get for buying them in a supermarket.

You don't buy the good kinds with those panel things in

a supermarket if that's what you Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That stuff with the cotton panels.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I bought that stuff one time and made my face break out.

Oh, geez.

That's not... Hey, come over here.

Get out of here.

This is my territory.

Your territory?

Listen, Bob.

I happen to be the manager of this here...

Hey, you're really a mugger, aren't you?

Huh?

I mean, you're a real, real mugger?

Wow.

That's really an ironic story, actually, because my girlfriend has been

trying to get an audition from this producer for a long time.

And right now, he's down the street with

these really wealthy investor friends of his.

Hey, hey, hey.

Really wealthy?

Yeah, yeah.

But that's not the point.

See, anyway, they're going to be coming down

here and I'm going to take out... Oh, Andrea.

I'll take care of them investors for you.

Now you're manager of the trash can.

You?

Jerry?

I'm here.

You are?

Hurry up.

They'll be here any minute.

Where's the cash?

Oh, that's right, Jerry.

Trade me from... I love it.

I mean, it'll look more authentic.

Hey, you're directing Laura a pleasure.

All right.

Everybody in here right away or the lady's going to be picking lead out of her head.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to get that ball.

Come on.

You two, start taking out the cash.

Jewelry, watches.

We're no personal checks.

Hold friggin' on.

Fuck.

You two.

You have your own home, your own land across the sea.

Why dost thou take what does not belong to thee?

I'm warning you, don't come any closer.

I don't want to hurt no lady.

Doc, chivalry is for my womanhood.

I ask no quarter.

Don't flatter yourself, lady.

I wouldn't give more than a dime.

I'm not kidding.

I will shoot, Angsria!

Fool!

Dost thou think that I have come thus far... to be frightened by a bit of steel?

There is a fire inside me, Englishman.

I burn to live, to be free.

To make my own decisions.

To earn my success without prejudice... and to pay for my failures without complaint.

To fight and have it fought.

To risk all for love.

All right, the quarrel.

Well, how was I?

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Hey!

Hey!

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Hey!

Come on!

So it was just another... But, Mr. Wellman, I had to.

Oh, come on, George, admit it.

She was great.

Well, I wouldn't say she was great.

Alfred wants to put his money on that girl as Joan.

But she was damn good.

Hey!

Remember me, Mr. Crime in the Street?

Jerry, stop waving that thing.

Wasn't she wonderful?

What force, what energy, what intensity?

What did you think?

Oh, I found the performance initially claustrophobic.

But the overall aesthetic gestalt was very... What am I talking about?

Will you get up against the wall and spit them?

Jerry, stop it!

We did the audition of Coolie.

Come on!

Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?

I mean, I didn't feel your motivation.

I didn't believe you.

But this young lady was magnificent.

Never mind, Mel.

I've seen quite enough.

The role is yours.

Oh, Mr. Mel!

Come on, everyone.

Let's go get a drink.

Alfred, Lydia!

Don't be mad.

Shit.

Hey, here.

You take these.

Maybe you'll have better luck with them than I did.

I'll tell you what.

I'm going back to being an agent.

Where at least you get respect for stealing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What?

Hey, come on.

Don't be sore, huh?

Hey, let me ask you a question, huh?

What?

You like stars, bright lights, fireworks?

Yeah.

Yeah, them's real pretty.

Yeah, they are.

Because you're going to love this.

The man I finally fell in love with turns out to be the old-fashioned type.

But I believe he trusts me as a person... and respects me as a professional...

and that makes me as liberated as any modern woman...

whomever and wherever she may be.

It's a pretty terrific article.

But, um...

who's going to believe that ending?

She's in the kitchen.

Just a little bit of liquor, eh?

I haven't had as much fun since, well... since before my wife died.

See ya.

Jerry!

Congratulations, Andrea.

So why aren't you out there celebrating with Bellman?

Can't.

Till I punch out, I'm still your waitress.

I guess you finally got everything you want, huh?

No, not everything.

I still don't have you.

Look, you coming over to my place after work?

No.

Great.

Our place.

And speaking of places, you've done a hell of a job with this one.

So...

I've been looking for some space at the, uh, theater district for a new restaurant,

which I think I'll call Jerry's.

Jerry's!

Jerry's!

Your own restaurant!

That's good!

That's really good!

That's really good!

Come on!

Come on!

Put on my best dress, baby.

I put on the perfume you'll like.

We're gonna forget about this day of work.

Cause we're going out dancing tonight.

Sometimes my day is empty.

Sometimes my life is empty.

Jerry!

Jerry!

Jerry!

We're here!

Sweet Loma Dolis, your favorite!

We're here!

Now we've been party all night.

I've got to start dancing through the night.

Oh, say, tell.

All

right, on the street.

I've got to be good.

I'm only making ends meet.

But

if something goes wrong, I put my dancing shoes on.

And I can go out dancing all night.

I put on my best dress, baby.

I put on the perfume you'll like.

We're gonna forget about this day of work.

Cause we're going out dancing tonight.

I don't have all of the answers.

But I know what's wrong and what's right.

And when I get happy, it goes to my feet.

And I've got to start dancing through the night.

Oh, it's hard on the street.

I've got to make good.

I'm only making ends meet.

Oh, Lord, be praised and saved.

I understand.

Sometimes my days are empty.

Sometimes my nights don't feel right.

When I get down, the music turns me around.

And I go out and party all night.

I've got to start dancing through the night.

Oh, say, tell.

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