All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s02e01 - Flight of Fantasy

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome,
television viewers to the second
season of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells.

You may know me from other trivial
endeavours, but tonight, I return
to my true passion―

sitting in this large throne
and being the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

For the next 10 weeks, five
comedians of varying levels of fame,
talent and hand-eye coordination

will compete to win this,

a golden trophy made
from a mould of my head.

Competing
for this magnificent prize is our
equally magnificent season two cast.

They are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Matt Heath...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

For months, these four award-winning
comedians and Matt Heath...
(LAUGHTER)

...have been completing tasks I
set for them at our top-secret
Taskmaster house.

By my side, as always, is the man
who helps me do the things I can't
be bothered doing,

like a walking Roomba with a lovely
singing voice, it's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So good to be back, Jeremy.

And since it's the season two
premiere, I thought I would make
you a cake.

- Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you.
- I-I didn't make the cake,
but IthoughtI would.

(LAUGHTER)
Um... I'm really shocked I didn't.

Basically, I didn't have any of
the ingredients, except for sugar,

which I keep in this pocket
in case I get tired. I just
get in there and...

(LAUGHTER)

You can have some of that,
if you want.

- Did you buy me a cake or a...?
- No. No, sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

- Paul, would you care
to explain our first task?

- Our first task is a prize task.

The person who brings
the best prize will get five points,

and whoever has the most points
at the end of the episode will
take home all five prizes.

Tonight, we asked them to bring in
what they consider to be the best
green thing.

- Mm, OK. Should we, uh,
start with you, David Correos?
What did you bring in?

- Well, Jeremy, what
about a green thing that has every
possibility under the sun withit?

Green screen!
(LAUGHTER)

Green screen!
(APPLAUSE)

- Green screen.
- Look at my lovely holiday
that I went on.

(LAUGHTER)
- Oh! Oh, it's just me
swimming with the fishes.

What about this?
(APPLAUSE)

Now a man of culture. Look at that!
- Strangely disturbing.

- Well, I got one more, Jeremy.
Actually, we're pretty
close friends.

I don't know if
you know this, but...
(LAUGHTER)

- Looks like you've gone back in
time about 10 years for that photo
as well.

- It was pre all your sunbeds,
Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- I see how this is
gonna work, Laura.
(LAUGHTER)

Guy Montgomery,
what did you bring in?

- Well, with due respect to the
green screen and all of the other
nine members of the Green Party,

I've opted to bring
in Chloe Swarbrick.
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Has she consented to this?
- Yeah, yeah, she's― she's here.

That's not― She's not that big,
but she's here.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, you do realise, Guy,
that you're meant to bring
in thebestgreen thing.

- Yes.

- Now, even if Chloe was the
best thing in the Green Pa―
She's number three.

- Yeah, but that―
Who do you think does that list?

It's James Shaw and Marama David―
It's not Chloe.
(LAUGHTER)

Of course they're one and two.

- Laura, what did you bring in?
- I brought in an absolute green
icon.

I brought in the sexy green M&M.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- Wow.
- I actually think this is,
like, the best green thing,

because it's really important that
we have female role models in the
M&M community.

(LAUGHTER)

- And do you think she's doing great
things for women in those boots?
(LAUGHTER)

With no pants?
- I... Well... You know, Guy's
got his legs crossed right now.

- Yes. I think we can all agree
it's a very fuckable chocolate.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Matt, what did you bring in?
What was your best green thing?

- What I've brought in
is my recycling bin.
(LAUGHTER)

So that'll help someone else be
twice as green, cos they'll have
two recycling bins.

- I mean, that looks like
a massive fucking burden.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, you can put Chloe Swarbrick
in it and take her home.
(LAUGHTER)

- Chloe Swarbrick's a person;
she walks and...

- Hold on for a second. This is
a man who's brought in the best
green thing.

You've clearly objectified a woman
by making her into a thing.
- Yeah.

- Yes, I can see―
- And now you're judging me for
saying put her in a recycling bin.

- I'm not judging anyone. I can see
I'm in a hotbed situation here.
(LAUGHTER)

I'd like to retract my riff.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Urzila, what did you bring?
- Well, I thought, it's New Zealand.

You know, I wanted to go true Kiwi
and bring something in that's close
to the heart.

So I brought in marijuana.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLING)

Once you enjoy my green thing,
you'll see the light in their
green things, and you'll go...

'Chloe.'
(LAUGHTER)

- Should we do some scoring?
- Uh, how do you wanna rank these?

- I'm not happy with what Guy's
done, objectifying women, bringing
in...

- No, you― But I-I-I literally
coordinated for Chloe Swarbrick
to come to this sh―

I mean, what I've
done is incredible, and you― and
please don't take this from me.

(LAUGHTER)

- I think one point for you, Guy.
(LAUGHTER)

Laura, two points for you.

David, three points for you.
- Those took so long to make!
(LAUGHTER)

I made them on my phone!

- You've gotta get a computer, man.
(LAUGHTER)

- Still three points there.

And four points for you, Matt.
- Oh, thank you.

- Urzila, that's probably
the most useful thing, so Urzila
probably gets five points there.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That obviously puts Urzila in
first place and Guy in last place.

But there are 49 more tasks,
so it's anyone's game.

- Well, let's find out
if they can keep it up.

I'd like to see one of our proper,
meaty tasks, if that's OK, Paul.

- Well, thanks to the power of
camera technology and editing
software, I can show you one.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Gidday, Paul.

- Hello, David.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Guy.

Hello, Urzila.
- Hello.

- It's not in there.

- No?

- What are we doing
in front of the caravan?

- There's a task in there.

- Ooh.

- Ooh!

This one?

- OK.

- READS: 'Knock over all the pins
on the other side of the field.

- 'You cannot leave the caravan.'

- 'Paul cannot deliberately
knock over the pins.'

- 'Fastest wins.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

Where's the pins?

That way.

Oh, but I can't leave the caravan.
- Yes.

- I don't know who
drilled these holes.

Like, someone with one giant thumb
like a big toe and only pinkies.

(LAUGHTER)

- LAUGHS: Oh no.

I'm running into problems
immediately.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Let's talk a little bit
about attire first up.

Matt, my first thought was
you look like an off-duty
undercover policeman.

- Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)

- Guy, what is that person
on your T-shirt? Who is that?

- Oh, it's just a very cool
T-shirt with a picture of Paul
as a 14-year-old boy.

(LAUGHTER)

- I'd like to say I still have
no idea how he got that photo.
(LAUGHTER)

It sits in my parents' wardrobe.
So someone in my inner circle has
betrayed me.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm also annoyed he didn't
take the Year 9 photo, which
is a significantly cuter photo.

(LAUGHTER)

- I liked that photo because
you can really see you're in
the grips of puberty.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK, shall we watch
some caravan bowling?

- Yes. Now, it's important
to remember I wasn't allowed to
intentionally knock over the pins.

Let's start with the man with
the most handsome T-shirt I've
ever seen. It's Guy Montgomery.

- We'll role play. I'll be a
quarterback, and you will be
a wide receiver.

- OK.

- 24 blue. Hut!

Oh!

Hut!

A huge failure.

That was a bad pass.

- AUDIENCE: Oh!

- Bring it back!

I'll try the orange.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

I feel like I'm not going about this
the most practical way.

Hey, Paul!

Can you please come halfway
back towards me?

So, shut your eyes, turn around.

Stop. Run in a straight line
towards the balls, please.

Stop!

OK.

Turn a little to your left.

No, no, a little to your right.

Straight line to the balls, please.

- The balls I feel
like are over that way.

- I'm pretty sure they're right in
front of you. Who's got their eyes
open right now, Paul?

- You do.

- In a straight line
towards the balls, please, Paul.
This is a time-oriented task.

No, Pa...

Paul, that is completely
the wrong direction.

You've run into a cameraman
because you're not listening to me.

- Sorry.

- Turn around.
Please go in a straight line.

Open your eyes. Retrieve the balls
and bring them back to me. Fuckin'
ridiculous.

(LAUGHTER)

Happy with yourself?
- No.
- You're embarrassing me.

(LAUGHTER)

Fuck!

Paul, I'm coming apart at the seams.

Could you take your jacket off,
please?

About halfway between me and
those pins is a slight rise.
- OK.

- I want you to go lie down.

OK, now please turn 45 degrees.

So now turn your body end over end.

Yeah, you got it. You got it.

You need to get momentum going.

That's the way. Keep it up.

Keep building.
You've got― You're going great.
Keep building. Keep building.

Keep building. This is what the
game's all about. Keep building.
Keep building. Keep building.

Keep building. Keep building. Yes!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK.
- OK. Who leaves here?

- You leave.

- Oh, this is your caravan?
- Yes.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- At one stage, it was like
one of those episodes on―

it's a dog show, where the shepherd
just looks at a dog. You just looked
at Paul, and Paul knew to run.

(LAUGHTER)

And then the other part when you
said, 'Paul, you're embarrassing
me,'

and then you threw the next orange
into the roof of the caravan.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yes.

I-I-I didn't do well,

which I've identified is one of the
big problems with my performance in
that task.

(LAUGHTER)
- I feel like I should interject.

I swear he wasn't
wearing that shirt before.
(LAUGHTER)

But that is a photo of me again.
(LAUGHTER)

- Stop it! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)

- Where did you get this one from?
- Just down the shops.
(LAUGHTER)

- Guy knocked down the pins
in 10 minutes and 17 seconds.

- I'd love to watch the rest of
you get some good bowling done,

but first, let's settle in for the
first of many ad breaks we get to
enjoy throughout season two.

We'll see you shortly.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster as we
debut our triumphant second season.

Paul, whose bowling do
we get to look at next?

- Bowling on a lawn should
come naturally to these two,

as they're our most
senior competitors.
(LAUGHTER)

It's Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson.
(APPLAUSE)

- I've got an idea, Paul.

- Take your belt off
and tie it to that chair.

- You're gonna blindfold me?
- Yeah. And then I'll fire
you like a bowling ball.

How long have I got?
Oh, it's the fastest.
- Yeah.

- Oh, I've gotta stop talking
to you and get this done.

- All right. Let's take it
for a test drive, all right?
Close your eyes.

- Run straight in a straight line.

To your right!

No, no! Stop!

- 10 steps. Go.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine...

OK, left!

Stop.

- Stop! Half turn to your right.

- Go, jog. Jog, jog,
jog, jog, jog, jog.

- Half turn to your left.

- Oh, dang it.

- Quarter turn to your left.

- Jump forward like a bunny.

- No, half turn.
Oh, I see. Quarter turn.

- Oh, we got some! Stop.

- Like, an eighth of
a turn to your left.

- Run.

(LAUGHS) It's not working,
but I'm really enjoying it. (LAUGHS)

You're a very scared man, Paul.

- It's quite scary
not being able to see.

- Run in a straight line
and start kicking.

- Lean forward. Start hitting
the wasps nests in front of you.

That's how you hit a wasps nest?

Go side to side.
Make it a washing machine.

- Up! Stand up!

- There you go.

There you go! (LAUGHS)

- Now come to me, Paul.
Come here, Paul. Good Paul.

Come here, boy. Good boy!

Good boy. Come here. Good boy.

(APPLAUSE)

- Urzila, I feel like my role
as chief bullier of Paul on this
show is being threatened by you.

- He's always there. He's like that
brother that your mum has with your
stepdad that you don't get on with.

(LAUGHTER)

So you love him cos you
have to, but... guhhhh.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt, as you know, we have
a pre-existing relationship.
- Yeah.

- So my expectations of
you are reasonably low.
(LAUGHTER)

- And I don't respect your opinion.
(LAUGHTER)

- Definitely living
up to my expectations so far.
There's no doubt about that.

How was the timing for those guys?

- Urzila, 8.50.

- I would have smashed that.

- Matt thinks
he would've smashed it,

and he did.
Three minutes and one second.
- Whoa!

(APPLAUSE)

- Anyone left, Paul?

- These next two are no strangers
to bowls. One bowls me over with
her wonderful personality,

and the other one has a bowl cut.
(LAUGHTER)

It's Laura Daniel and David Correos.

- Paul, can you drive?

- Yes.

- Paul, um,
is this caravan moveable?
- Yeah.

- Can, um― Can I get a car?
- OK.

- Would you go get me
a car with a tow bar?
- Yes.

- Let's go drive.

- Let's do that.
- OK.

- Go, go, go, go, go!
You can do it, Paul!

- Though, this isn't very fast,
is it?

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Nice.

- (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

It's very hard.

Would you mind moving to
the back of the caravan?
- Yeah. What are you trying to say?

- Um...
- Yeah, no, that's fine. It's fine.
I got it. I got the picture.

- Maybe I should crank this.

Yeah, cranking this is
actually a lot easier.

- So it wasn't anything
to do with my weight?

- No.

Oh!

- Move that caravan!

- OK, Paul, I've got an idea.
I've got an idea. Come over here.

You're not allowed
to knock those over, right?
- Not intentionally, no.

- No, but you're allowed
to bring them over here, eh?
- Yeah.

- Can you please
bring those over here?
- OK.

- Thank you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Stop.

Really good.

- Yeah, bring as many as you can.
Cool.

Just put 'em― put 'em there.

(LAUGHTER)

- Don't worry; I got it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK.
- Time.

- Cool. Let go.

This one.

One there.

And the last one.

Boom. Done.

- Thank you, Laura.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you want me to move the car back?
- No, I can do it.

Can you teach me how to drive?

(LAUGHTER)

- Slowly let the clutch out
and do the accelerator.

- And the accelerator's
the one on the far right?
- Yes.

- Oh, fuck.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHTER)

Do you feel safe?
- No.

- Press the brake.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Whoo!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- What driver's licence do you have,
David?

- Learner's.
(LAUGHTER)

- How long have you had
your learner's licence for?
- Seven years.

(LAUGHTER)

- Apparently, he just about
went into the fence, though.

- He did.
He approached the fence quite hot.
(LAUGHTER)

- Laura, and interestingly, you
knocked over less with a bowling
ball from a metre

than Guy did from 20.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yes.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, how long did it take
those guys to knock the pins over?

- David, sadly, he did sit and wait
for me to attach the caravan to the
car for about 6½ minutes.

(LAUGHTER)
So his overall time was 7.28.

- Oh.
- Mm.

- OK, and what about Laura's time?
- Laura, by one second, came last.

- (SQUEALS)
(LAUGHTER)

- 10.18. Guy was 10.17.

In terms of points,
we've got one point for Laura,

two points for Guy,
three points for Urzila,

four points for David,
and five points for Matt.

- Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, what are the scores so far,
Paul?

- Currently in fourth equal,
we have Guy and Laura.

And in first place on nine points,
Matt Heath.

- Wow, wow.
(APPLAUSE)

- I thought I was gonna struggle,
consider our sort of... problems
we have, Jerry,

so it's great to see that I've taken
an early and unassailable lead.
(LAUGHTER)

- These are only early days, Matt.

What do you say to another task,
Paul?

- I say, yes, please,
I'd love to watch another task.
(LAUGHTER)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Hello, Laura.

- (SIGHS)

- This is nice.
- Thank you.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

- On the wings of an angel.

- Touched by an angel, eh?

- Did you lose your wings?
- I don't have wings.

- Is that cos you fell?
- Why did I fall?
- (MOUTHS)

From the roof?

- Pick it up?
- Yes, please.

- READS: 'Fly!'

- 'Best flying wins.'

- 'You have 30 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- Fly?

- What?

- How the fuck am I gonna do that?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Yeah, this is a tricky task,
considering none of our
contestants can actually fly.

So, whose flying shall
we inspect first, Paul?

- One has a Netflix comedy special,
and the other has a Netflix account.

Here's Matt Heath
and Urzila Carlson.

- Am I allowed into the water?
- Yeah.

- I think I'm gonna
put myself in here.

- How are you gonna
get yourself in there?

- I'm just gonna put
a version of me in there.

Cos we're all made from
the same stuff, you know?

It's all just cells, isn't it?
- And Blu-Tack?

- Let's go outside.

(UPBEAT, QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Kinda get the idea of
what I'm trying to do here?
- Yes.

- (LAUGHS)
Can you get your head around it?

(LAUGHTER)

- (IMITATES WHOOSHING)

- Oh!

That's my wing.

- It kinda smells like sewage.
- Uh, it's technically not.

(LAUGHTER)

- Boy!

- Do you think the Taskmaster will
go for this shit if I just put his
munted plane in a drain?

- He might be a little upset.
- I'm gonna have to fly.

- (PANTS)

(LAUGHTER)

Can you hold that?

(LAUGHTER)

- Hold this.
I'm gonna fly into this water pool.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna take my tool belt off.
It's just decorative.

It's not that I fix shit;
it's cos I'm a lesbian.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- OK, we're not using the bike.

- Here I go. You ready?
- Yes.

- We're gonna fly.
I think this one's gonna go further.

- Propel me at pace,
and then I'll launch.
- OK.

- Go!

(LAUGHTER)

The win!

Gotta be faster than that!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

(LAUGHTER)

Did I get airtime?
- A little bit.

- There's definite sewage in here.

- That's a long way to fly.
Look how far I flew.

It's like 10m, 20m.

- Maybe 3m.

Are you happy with that?
- I'm peeing in the water.

- We done?
- OK.

OK.
- We did it.
- Yep. Thank you.

- We did it.
- OK.
- (GRUNTS)

We did it, buddy, you and me.
- Yeah. I'm glad we did it.

(LAUGHTER)

- I think that went well.
- Yeah?

- Probably gonna get
an infection somewhere.

- Thank you, Matt.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Urzila said that we were
all made from the same stuff,

but the mini was made from
Blu-Tack and cellophane.

- Oh, yeah, I know, but I was
going deeper, on a cellular level ―
we are all made from the same stuff.

- Blu-Tack?
(LAUGHTER)

- It's just matter, mate. I don't
wanna go all TED Talk here, but...
(LAUGHTER)

- I wanna blame my tools for that.
And Paul.

- I was pushing that wheelbarrow as
hard as I could. It had quite a flat
tyre.

- So, in a way, it's your fault and
the wheelbarrow's fault as opposed
to mine.

- I still kinda suspect you
probably wouldn't have flown.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, I did fly.

- That's a fall.
- No, cos I was...

(LAUGHTER)

- So, as well, just reiterate,
it's thebestflying,...
- Mm-hm.

- ...not the furthest.
- Oh.
- Oh.

(LAUGHTER)
- Did it say that?

- I don't think you guys
would've done well if it was
best or furthest, to be honest.

(LAUGHTER)

Time for us to fly off
your television screen
for a brief period.

We'll be back with more amateur
flight in just a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the only show where you can win
an actual real-life politician
and a ratty old green screen.

What's going on, Paul Williams?

- We're currently witnessing our
contestants attempt the miracle
of flight.

So far, we've seen
two people jump into a pond.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who is next?
- It's David Correos.

- Can I print out,
like, a tiny version of me,

and then attach it to a helium
balloon and let it fly away?

- Yeah.
- OK, I'm gonna do that.

Perfect. OK, cool.

(GAS HISSES)

(INHALES)

HIGH-PITCHED: Yay!

(LAUGHTER)

(POP!)

WHISPERS: Jesus Christ.

Oh, colour!

Colour!

(LAUGHTER)

- I'm trying two pieces of string
so that I fly evenly.

- Four minutes and 55 seconds.
- I'm ready. I'm done.

Shit.

Shit!

Shit!

Come on.
(GAS HISSES)

Aah!

It's not enough.
It's not enough helium.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

(GAS HISSES)

- You've got
two minutes and 52 seconds.

- I'm ready to go.
Let's do it. Let's go outside.

(BALLOONS SQUEAK)

OK.

And this is me flying.

And fly.

Fly, my pretty!

Fly!

I've gone in a jet stream!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I genuinely found
that quite touching.
- Thank you.

- It was a bit like Phileas Fogg
and Passepartout.

- I'm too young for that reference.
(LAUGHTER)

It's like the movie Up!
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Who's next, Paul?

- She likes to fly so much she has
silver status on Air New Zealand,
it's Laura Daniel.

- Paul, do you trust me?

- Yes.
- Then let's go flying.

Three, two, one.

(WONDROUS MUSIC)

Wow!

Oh! Oh-oh!

Where do you wanna go see, Paul?
- Um...

- We can go anywhere.
- Nelson.

- Nelson. (CHUCKLES) OK.

Ready? Hold on.

Wow!

Whoa!

And we're here... in Nelson.

- Wow!

- LAUGHS: It's magical,
isn't it, Paul?
- Yeah.

- And what's that?
- Uh, that's my childhood home.

- Your childhood home.
- Yeah. The people who
my parents sold it to,

they promised they wouldn't
build that place on the back garden,

but then they just broke the
promise, and they did it anyway.

- I'm sorry, man.
- No, it's OK.

- Do you want us
to fly away from there?

- If possible, yeah.
- OK, let's just...
we'll just turn the carpet round.

OK. Wow. We're leaving.

Where to next, Paul?

- Maybe Stoke?
- Stoke.

- It's just― just―
Well, it's part of Nelson, really.
- OK, we're gonna go to Stoke.

Well, I really hope there's
some stock footage of Stoke.

And if there isn't,
how about a rainbow?
- OK.

- Wow!
- They have rainbows in Stoke.

- They have rainbows―
This is a Stoke rainbow.
- You got 30 seconds.

- OK. Shall we fly back over
the fields to the Taskmaster house?
- Uh, OK.

- OK, great.

# I can show you Taskmaster house.

# Taskmaster house
is the way back home,

# and it's been a lovely flight

# to the Taskmaster house. #

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(APPLAUSE)

OK.
- Magic?

- Pretty magic, yeah.
- Great. Well done. (GRUNTS)
You're welcome. (GRUNTS)

- OK, thank you.
- My knees.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I love the way that every time
you go, 'Wow. Wow...' Every single
manoeuvre was a 'wow'.

- Well, it was pretty, like, wow.
(LAUGHS)

Am I right? Special effects.
Bet you weren't expecting that.

- No.
(LAUGHTER)

- David said it at the start of the
show, the green screen ― incredibly
powerful.

- Not then.
(LAUGHTER)

- Anyone left?
- We do have one more budding
aviator. It's Guy Montgomery.

- Um...

Thinking we set up a little tarmac,
and I'll fly over the trees, land
down by the dock.

- How are you gonna do that?

- Well, I'll jump,...

and then, ideally,
I'd just keep going.
- OK.

(PERCUSSIVE FANFARE)

I don't think this is gonna work.
- It's gonna work. It's gonna work.
- OK. You're cleared fortake-off.

- Whoa! Hey!

Heya, Paul!

Paul, hey!

Paul!

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(GRUNTS)

- Wow. You happy with that?

- Am I happy with that?

Well, I just flew.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm the happiest I'll ever be.
- OK. Thank you, Guy.

- I'm gonna walk back,
even though I've got options.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was incredible,
cos I actually genuinely thought

you were gonna go down the
special-effects route, like Laura.
- No, yeah.

- But you did it. You actually flew.
(LAUGHTER)

- Wait, wait, wait. I know a lot
about cinematic effects and stuff,

and there were special effects
in that.

- Wait. Laura knows a lot about
cinema, but it turns out I actually
know quite a bit aboutflying.

(LAUGHTER)

And, mostly,
you've gotta get a good jump.
(LAUGHTER)

- Sorry, I don't wanna interrupt
their flight of fantasy here,
but we actually flew.

- MATT: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

Some people kept it real ―
in the real world.
- Gen X. Yeah.

- There's some special effects
wizardry happening.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- There's a reason they bundled your
two videos of people jumping into a
sewage pond together.

(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, cos we are prepared
to take the risk!

- You guys definitely
did the worst flying.
(LAUGHTER)

- 10m, 15m.

- Urzila's one went a bit further,
I so reckon Matt, you get one point.
I think Urzila gets two points.

And I think David,
I think you should get three.

And then I think Laura,
you should get four.

And I think Guy,
you should get five.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You'd think it was time for
another task, but, in fact,
it's time for ads.

Must be the time difference after
all of the flying. We'll see you
in a couple of minutes.

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five comedians are battling
it out to take home Matt Heath's
recycling bin and the sexiest M&M.

What's next, Paul?
- I hope the contestants have been
brushing up on their brushing.

It's a brush-based task.
(LAUGHTER)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Hello, Urzila.
- Hi, bro.

- You wearing sunscreen?
- Yes.

- How are you, mate?

- Ooh! Teeth.

- Thanks, Paul.

- (CHOMPS)

- Really wanna do well at this one,
Paul.

- READS: 'Brush Paul's teeth
from the furthest distance.'

- 'Furthest distance wins.'

- 'You have 20 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- What a day for Paul ―
sunscreen and a clean mouth.

- Did you not brush
your teeth this morning?
- No.

- You probably wanna find out if ACC
covers teeth. I'll be right back.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Great task here. Very simple.
Who's first to give it a go, Paul?

- Up first, we have two fierce
competitors. It's Urzila and Guy.

- Brush Paul's teeth
from the furthest distance.

# From a healthy distance! #

- Do this admin at home;
we wouldn't have to do it here.

- My dentist, he says only floss
the teeth you wanna keep.

- I wish I'd had
all four wisdom teeth taken out.
- Stop flossing 'em.

- OK.

- Oh, she's a tight squeeze, Paul.
(GRUNTS)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Get at the back. Yeah, boy.

- Gentle, boy.

- Oh!

- You got a little, um...

- Do you think
anyone's gonna top that?

- Guy would go better.
Just his arms would be that noodle.

- Thanks, Paul.
- Thank you, Guy.

- Remember to floss.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Guy, I was just watching the way
that you were actually holding the
noodle,

you may have got some more distance
by potentially holding it closer to
Paul's mouth, maybe.

- Yeah. But my legs are strong,
but my arms are flimsy.
(LAUGHTER)

- You hardly got in the mouth,
though. You were brushing his
moustache there for a long time.

- Well, yeah, you― you had
a pool noodle that was flaccid.

- I― It was flaccid,
but it got the job done.

- If only there was a neutral party
who experienced both brushes

who could tell us who did
a better job of brushing.
(LAUGHTER)

- But, no, both of them did quite a
thorough job. In terms of distance,
Urzila was 2.75m. Guywas 4.4m.

A bit further.

- Whose long-distance brushing
are we gonna watch next?

- OK, well, this contestant,
if you say his name quite quickly
and really enunciate,

it sounds a bit
like a Scottish person saying
'my teeth'. It's Matt Heath.

(LAUGHTER)

- I could...

get really high.

Not, like, get really high;
get really high in the air
and dangle it off and brush.

Failed to find any tape.

How are you gonna measure this?
- Aah!

- If you open your mouth...

(LAUGHTER)

Watch for your head!

And, um...

Now, I'm gonna get some
extra height with this.

See what I'm lookin' at here?

Hey.

(GRUNTS)

And... Yep. That's a good brushing.

Getting your molars.

Now I'll do your canines.

What do you reckon?
That's about 100m.

Yeah, I'm happy with that.

All right. Thank you, Paul.

(APPLAUSE)

- I've noticed something about you.
100m.

- It's very high. Like, it's hard
to tell distance when you're up.
Up looks less than along.

- It was 6.39m.
- That's not bad. I'll take that.
And it was a good wash.

- It was genuinely one of
the worst experiences of my life.
(LAUGHTER)

- It wasn't how much you enjoy it.
- No.

- It was how― the distance involved.
So 16.5m did you say?
- 6.39m.

Yes, which does place
Matt in the lead currently.

- OK, who's reaching
for your gnashers next?
- It's David Correos.

- I'll be back.

Paul!

- Yes?

- I'm gonna need you
lying on your back.

I'll get you to lie―
put your head right there.

How many minutes have I got?
- 13 minutes and 20 seconds.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- (PANTS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Did it work?
- Yeah. I think it
brushed multiple teeth.

- Perfect! Done!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It was brush Paul's teeth. So, I
mean, there wasn't a lot of brushing
going on, obviously. It's just one―

- I brushed. It brushed the teeth.
- It did brush multiple teeth.

- No, no, bro, that's fine.
You brushed them.

- I went to the dentist
the other day, and they asked me,

'How far away are you
brushing your teeth from?'
(LAUGHTER)

And I said, '142.7m,'
which was David's score.

- Aw.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- We've got one more brusher,
I believe.
- Yes, it's Laura Daniel.

- Feels like I'm gonna
need a contraption.

What is this long thing?

Worth it. It was a rake.

Ooh.

What if I got someone else
to brush your teeth?
- OK.

- Hi. Could you come
help me brush some teeth?

OK, great. So I need you to come
in and take this toothbrush.

OK, fantastic.

Can you still hear me?
- Yep.

- How about now?

How about now?

I feel like this is pretty far.

- OK. It's a bit wobbly.

Yeah, it's in his mouth.

How's it feeling, Paul?
- MUFFLED: Pretty good.
- He said, 'Pretty good.'

- MUFFLED: Thank you, Laura.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Smart, Laura.
- Yeah, well, you know,
looked at the details,

and, uh, found the loophole.
- Yeah.

How far away did Laura get exactly?

- Yeah, well, Laura with a
telephone, she could go as far
as her network would allow her.

And she chose to go
10.5m less than David.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Analogue wins again!

- So what are the final scores?
- The final scores ―
Urzila, one point; Guy, two points;

Matt, three points; Laura,
four points; and with five
points, David Correos.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Now it's time for you
at home to brush your teeth

or however it is that you like to
pass the time during a regularly
scheduled ad break.

We'll see you very, very soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back.

It's time for the thrilling
conclusion of our series two
premiere.

We're about to do a live task,
where our contestants find out
how much trickier it is to compete

in front of actual human beings
with emotions rather than just
Paul Williams.

Before we do that, Paul,
a score update, please.

- Guy has 10 points. And in
first place with 15 points, David.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well, should
we head up the stairs for our
live task, then? Let's do it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK. I am intrigued by what
is happening here, Paul.

- Well, thanks for pretending not to
know, Jeremy. So I'm gonna hand this
task to David to read it.

- READS: 'Build the tallest tower of
toilet rolls in front of your bin.

'You may not interfere with any
other tower. You have 100 seconds.

'After 100 seconds, you will be
brought down to the lower stage

'and allowed to throw one
of your shoes at one tower
of your choosing.'

- Oh!

- 'Once all contestants have
thrown a shoe, the tallest
toilet roll tower wins.

'Your time starts
on Paul's whistle.'

- Does everybody
understand the task?

- Can we use a green screen
or anything?
(LAUGHTER)

- Everyone ready?
- URZILA: Yes.

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- David, would you like
to talk us through your technique?

- Well,
if it's not structurally sound,
you can't fuck with it, can ya?

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY)

- (LAUGHS)

- You've got 12 seconds.
- Oh shit.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hands away, please. Hands away.

- Is that a tower?
- I got the thing there!
Look at the thing there!

- No, that is not― That is
a pile of shit is what that is.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, whoever has the tallest tower
is gonna throw their shoe first.

Matt, please come down.

There's a mark in the centre of that
stage where you're going to throw a
shoe from...

- OK.
- ...at the tower of your choice.

You're in second with 13 points,
so this is quite big for you.

- Matt, if you take out
your competition, you got more
chance of winning more points.

- Who's my competition?
- That one right there.
- URZILA: Him.

(LAUGHTER)
- That one right there.

- Are we ready?
- Over here! They didn't say we
couldn't use distraction. Bah!

Ah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Up next is Laura Daniel.
- My aim is terrible!

Aah!
(APPLAUSE)

- Up next we have Guy Montgomery.

- You've got nothing to lose.
You can't win this.

- Oh!
(APPLAUSE)

- (EXHALES)

Closest, though!

- MATT: Don't do it, man.
I've always had your back.

(LAURA LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS)

- (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

- That looks like
a loss for all of us, that.

- All right, let's see what all
that means in terms of points.
Come on down.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You all know the saying ― if you
build it, they will throw a shoe
at it,

and 100% of the bastards
will miss it.
(LAUGHTER)

We know that Matt Heath won.
Who else got those highly
sought-after points, Paul?

- Laura came second with
four points; Guy, three points;

Urzila, two points;
and David with one point,

which means, for the episode,
a come-from-behind win, with
18 points, Matt Heath!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations, Matt Heath.

You are now the proud owner
of Chloe Swarbrick and your
own recycling bin.

Please celebrate accordingly.

One episode down ― we did it.
And better yet, we did a lot
of learning along the way too.

We learned that human flight
is kind of no big deal.

We've learned that mobile phones are
no more useful than a long piece of
string.

And most importantly,
we've learned that Matt Heath
is the winner of episode one!

We'll see you next week.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Captions by Julie Taylor.

Captions were made with
the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

There's a lesson
here for everyone ― sometimes
the key is not fucking around.

(LAUGHTER)

(POP!)

(THUD!)

- Work it, Paul.

- Why, it's a regular farm.

- (SCREAMS)