Original subtitles

- Previously on "Resident Alien"...

The alien implant is gone.

It looked like a little piece of glass.

Give me a simple yes or no.

Is that Kate's baby

She was taken by aliens,

and then we were on a spaceship,

which is actually inside the moon.

I'm starting to remember.

She was there.

So how does this time travel thing work

I'll have you back to 1870 in no time.

1970

The Greys stole my alien energy.

I need it back to kill the Mantid, to save Earth.

Max took Bridget.

I think he's trying to catch the Mantid.

Hey, guys.

Heather.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey.

Hey, D'Arce.

What are you doing out here

You don't wanna to welcome me home

My parents are gonna be welcomed home

by a broken toilet and urine on their bed.

How's your fancy Vermont ski school

It's good.

I don't know.

I miss home.

Actually, I missed you.

I missed you, too, bud.

No, dummy, I mean, I

I really missed you.

I like you. Like, missed you.

I thought you were dating all those ski guys

Well, yeah, but they're all kind of dumb.

Hot, though. They're really hot.

There was one model

Please stop.

Those guys aren't you.

You're serious

I swear on Mrs. Fontaine's Ford Fiesta.

Vomit comet.

Boot and bomb it.

D'Arce

Guys

Judy, what the hell

Somebody called the cops

Run

Say hi to your daddy, kids.

Hi

Harry, I'd like you to meet Charles, Aidan, Hayden,

Polly, Bloof, and Harry Jr.

Well, theythey definitely have their daddy's nose.

- Something feels different about my Heather.

Harry, look, I know.

I know, okay I get it.

It's a lot.

But I really do think that you're gonna be a great father.

And I just

I have to tell you that I've thought about you

every single day since I left.

I have thought about you, too, my love.

It's true.

I still love her as much as before.

But something is missing.

Is it because she left

Is it because she betrayed me

You're the love of my life,

and I am so, so sorry.

That's it.

Now that I am human, I find her face repulsive.

Ooh.

You know who caused all this

It was that Hybrid Grey Joseph.

He threatened my family, Harry,

and II didn't know what to do.

But II can't run anymore.

- She looks like a haunted piece of taxidermy.

Well, Joseph will not be a problem.

He only has one arm.

He no longer works for the Greys.

He's ugly.

I mean, unlike you, who is the opposite of ugly.

Is there also a smell

Harry, I'll never leave you again.

You're the most incredible,

beautiful being I have ever met.

And youand you are also...

- beautiful. - Aww.

I love how youryour eyes just bulge out from your face,

like alike a fish, but a bird.

Aww.

No, no.

Ho, your breath, it's

your breath is very...

gamey.

You know what, that's Mantid.

Sorry, I totally forgot to mention this.

I killed a Mantid, ate his guts.

Asta was out there. I saved her damn life.

She did not thank me, so kind of messed up.

You killed the Mantid

- Yeah. - That is great news

It's outside under the canoe, FYI.

Yeah, I saved you some guts.

Are you hungry

I mean, yum. Yum, yum, yum.

But not now, I think.

Not now, not now.

Okay, I'll put it in here for safekeeping.

Are you serious

Look, Harry, I know you don't know if you can trust me.

I just wanna tell you that I love you.

And I hope that someday you can forgive me.

Of course, I forgive you, my love.

Thank you.

Not again. No.

I'm gonna keep my eyes closed

so I don't get distracted by all that beauty.

My love, what if we were to reunite in human form

Yes, because you were a human when you left me.

And we could just pretend.

If you take a human form now,

it will be like nothing ever happened.

Like time has gone backwards.

That is so romantic.

Yes

I will see you in the bedroom.

I love it when you rub your...

I wanna say, fuzz around your beak.

Yeah, that's my face fuzz.

It definitely doesn't make your head look

like a moldy piece of fruit.

Hey, Harry.

I'm drenched.

Wow.

That was a lot.

Yeah.

Sorry, the giant praying mantis attack or going back in time

How is me coming here to talk about a plan for the baby

who was raised on a spaceship the most normal part

of this conversation

We don't have a planyet. Sorry.

I know, I know. I get it.

I can't stop thinking about how awful this whole thing is.

But it's too dangerous.

The Greys are still watching Ben and Kate.

It's obvious from the cameras I planted all over their house.

Okay, again, I am an officer of the court.

Please stop telling me how you two are breaking the law

Who's breaking the law

These two, all the time with all their alien stuff.

But obviously...

a protest to bring attention

to undocumented immigrants is is very great.

So you two should keep doing that.

Well, let me know when the next one is.

I'll come with.

Cool.

Cool.

She doesn't know

Of course she doesn't know.

Well, apparently, everyone else knows.

I said I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

You know, it would just be nice to feel included,

especially when aliens are trying to kill us all.

Well, good news,

because Harry needs us to come

get rid of that Mantid alien body.

So, you wanna come

Pass.

All right.

We were just trying to include you.

- That's what you said. - Yeah.

Make sure you get the praying mantis prayer hands right,

and also these things.

And of course, those big old eyes.

And remember, they're not front-headed eyes.

They're side-headed eyes, like two big-ass security cameras.

You know, thethe bulgy kind.

The ones you see, like, up in a yogurt shop in the corner.

I'm still trying to capture the,

"He was standing like a man who just found out his roommate

wore his favorite pants."

Well, look, Deputy, I can't help it

if I'm a master of the simile, all right

And why are you being so surly

I told you in that cave, I said,

"Don't drink that water 'cause you gonna have to piss.

And then you probably gonna miss out on seeing an alien."

You remember that

I don't remember that.

Ooh

Now, Deputy, that there is a work of art.

Who's peeing now

Not me. Hi, Debra.

Third call this week

about a metal Sasquatch up on the mountain.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and put in that file

I set up called "Wackadoodles and Rooster Complaints."

Thank you, Debra.

And you heard that, right

You'll need to tell your cyborg Sasquatch friend

he needs to be a little more stealthy.

All right, the last thing we need

is more people going around reporting seeing weird things.

Hell, we already got an alien that can

see how much yogurt you got.

I'm assuming you haven't told Lena

Have I told Lena that the killer's an alien

Hell no.

I don't need her looking at me the way I used to look at you.

No, no one needs that.

But you know you're not crazy.

No, I am not.

Mantid Removal Experts LLC at your service.

Just kidding. We've never done this before.

We're not experts.

We're also not an LLC.

Hey, how's everything with Heather

Is she

Charles

What the hell is that

That is one of our darling children.

You should organize a large group gift like a stroller,

as we have plenty of bibs and worms.

Hi, Asta. Hi, D'Arcy.

I see you guys met the kiddos.

Where's Charles

He

Bridget

Bridget Bridget

No No

You drop it Drop

Drop it Drop it

Ha-ha

There we go.

You

He was playing. He was playing.

Looked more like eating.

Bet you want him back now, don't

Go play outside

I bet you do. I bet you do.

But you don't even need bath toys, do you,

'cause you're your own rubber ducky

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are, little baby.

Bridget is a bad

Okay. I can see your faces.

Do not say anything.

I wanna say, like, a thousand things.

So you're gonna raise alien bird babies

even though you're human

Shh

Heather does not know that I am human,

and you will not tell her because you will

ruin everything if you do.

You have to tell her the truth.

Maybe she'll be okay with it.

I do not know if she would

because I will not be telling her.

Everything is perfect right now.

Hey, Harry, could you hand me that bag

Just so you guys know, I'm still nursing,

and I need to pump.

Get it, girl. Yeah.

- Total respect. - Nice.

I thought more was coming, but it wasn't.

Boy

Big load.

Okay.

All set for tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, everything's perfect.

The babies take after their father.

You can really see it in their cloacas.

Nope. I'm good.

You're a good mother.

You are a good daddy.

So, what's going on, Daddy

Do you have a gift for Mommy today

I got a gift.

It's the gift I've been giving ya.

I give it, and I take it back.

Okay, well, give it.

I'll give it.

I'll regift it.

Yeah, regift it to me.

But I have a gift receipt so I can take it back.

But I'll give it again.

Well, the store is demanding all merchandise

be brought to the store.

And then we're gonna shove it right back

at the people who bought it.

You might wanna take yours back.

It's got a crack in it.

It's under warranty, so it might have a recall.

All right

- Well, you bought it on sale. - Okay.

So the warranty doesn't count.

Hey Hey

Maybe not in front of the kids.

They know where they came from

I mean not in front of me.

Okay.

Wow.

So great you're back together.

But also, there's a dead Mantid under your canoe.

That's not a problem.

I mean, we can just bury it and put a headstone on top of it

that says, "RIP, you dick."

But we will not be doing that because we

need to exchange gifts.

Oy.

Stick it out

You know, we'll just take care of it.

I actually know exactly who to call to dig a grave.

You came to the right gal for grave-digging.

When I worked at the cemetery in high school,

the guys called me Deep Hole Judy,

'cause that was my nickname when I got there.

You weren't creeped out working at a cemetery

No, not usually.

There was this one ghost with a Southern accent.

Boo.

Hey, does this have anything to do

with that serial killer that's on the loose

- Nah. - Of course not.

You know what No, do not tell me.

I only need to know three things

width, height, depth.

4 by 9 by 6

You gotta a 4x9x6er coming right up.

Well, we can't just sit here and do nothing.

And you're sure that you saw D'Arcy on the ship

For the hundredth time, yes, she was on that ship.

It'sit's like I had these memories that were lost,

but they're beginning to come back.

She was there.

Okay, well, then this can only mean one thing.

Exactly.

- D'Arcy was abducted. - D'Arcy's an alien.

Two very different things.

Wait.

What if D'Arcy is like me, and she had a baby that was

abducted before it was born

Wow.

That's possible.

- Gotta hand it to Agent Gardner,

jumping into a case in progress,

having to navigate all the pre-existing team dynamics.

But everyone seems to love Jules.

She just really seems to be fitting right in.

Yeah,

Okay.

There's been something you've wanted to tell me all night.

Can we just get it over with Let me guess.

You hate Jules being on this case.

Well, no.

You remember that that story you told me

about your son playing with the Magna-Tiles, right

He washe was real young, and he washe was throwing

them all around somehow

One of them landed right on its edge

Yeah, best day of his life.

Yeah, it was crazy, right

It was like alike a one in a million shot, right

But you saw it with your own eyes, right

So sometimes things that are crazy, they happen,

but they're real, right

Um...

apropos of that,

Deputy Liv and I have reason to believe

that the serial killer that we're tracking is...

is an alien creature that resembles an 8-foot

humanoid praying mantis.

You're kidding.

I'm not.

I saw it with my own eyes, chomping on a deer, okay

And the reason I needed to tell you

is because as we move forward, we're gonna need to exercise

an extreme amount of caution.

You saw this thing, this giant praying mantis

That's right, in the woods.

Listen, I saw an alien.

I also see your face.

I see what you did there.

But all you did was go from skeptical face

to neutral face, right That doesn't help me.

I want belief face.

What do you want me to say

I want you to say that you believe me.

Wow

So, wow. Okay, that's how it is.

You know what

Fine.

I forgot you drove.

I'm not trying to jog 12 miles.

Wouldn't expect you to.

Okay, so we'll just have an angry car ride back

Now, that I definitely believe.

Okay.

That she believes. Okay.

Ho

I mean, this grave is flawless.

These corners are, like, exactly 90 degrees.

How could she wear daily contact lenses for a month

but also do this

I don't know.

She can barely button her shirt right half the time.

Okay.

One, two, three

Okay.

All right.

That's the Mantid off our to-do list.

Next up, Ben and Kate's baby

Okay, you know we can't take her back yet.

Yeah, I know.

The situation is just driving me insane.

I know things are really bad right now,

but we just have to stay the course

and know everything is gonna be okay.

Did Judy send you a survey

Yeah. I gave her five stars.

I mean, look at this.

Yeah, same.

Hey.

Remember, be subtle, okay

We can't tip her off that we're on to her.

Hi.

Hey. Day drink date

Yeah.

Remember when you said I was abducted by aliens

Sorta.

I remember that I joke around a lot.

And also, I'm drunk a lot.

- So who knows what I've said - Right

And who knows what Ben is saying half the time.

Am I right Or why.

- That's good. - Why he's saying it.

- All right. - Yeah, right.

You know, you guys need to try the special margaritas.

I will be right back.

What the hell was that

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

I took a shot.

You missed.

Sorry, he'she's all into aliens right now

because we watched a documentary

about aliens recently.

Yeah, it was wild stuff. It was on recently.

I said that.

The documentary is about how these aliens,

they abduct babies from women's wombs.

And then theythey take the womb babies,

and they raise them on spaceships.

Hoo, boy

Can you believe that

I can't believe it.

And I won't.

You gotta wonder who makes these things up these days.

I've never had a baby.

So I don'tI'm not in the headspace.

Or have you

And you would not know if an alien had already taken it.

Well, honey, she would know if she was pregnant, at least.

Well, hang on, I think that that's an HR violation

to ask if she was pregnant.

Okay, well, we're not in an office.

And I didn't ask.

I just said it hypothetically.

Have you been pregnant

Okay, that's an HR violation.

Yeah, it is.

And I'm pretty triggered.

I'm gonna get some air.

Womb babies

Ooh

That is my jacket.

Thank you.

I could not find a blanket.

I do not like being cold.

So is this what you do every time

you refer a patient to Braddock

Which, according to our records, is 90% of the time.

I am human now, with a stupid human brain just like yours.

I cannot learn how to operate on a diseased

gallbladder in five seconds.

My patients should be grateful I'm hiding from them.

But you're still taking therapy sessions.

Therapy is just listening to complaints.

Okay.

So this late session that you scheduled with Ben tonight

is about his mental health, right,

and not about you avoiding Heather so you don't

have to tell her you're a human

I'm supposed to be the fake therapist, not you.

Harry, you can't keep doing this.

Real relationships are built on honesty.

If you hide parts of yourself,

then you're not being authentic.

And Heather deserves to know who you really are.

Or does she deserve to be happy

Because if I never tell her I'm human

and she always stays in her human form,

then we will both be happy.

Ben and Kate know I was on the ship

- They said that - No.

But they know about the baby,

and they know I know about the baby.

Mrs. Mayor knows about the baby.

It came out in a hypnosis session.

I assume that she told Mr. Mayor during one of their

leather-clad, oily, sexy, nipple-clamp sex adventures.

Why didn't you tell us

Because their sex life is private

between their doctor and their patient.

- I respect that. - About the baby.

Maybe I was in a Grey jail on the moon for a month.

Does Kate know I have anything to do with it

No.

She only has memories from before she saw you on the ship.

But it is possible that the other memories

are starting to come back on their own.

So they know the Greys took the baby.

We have to tell them, that she's safe at least.

Why don't you just put the baby in an envelope

and mail it straight to the Greys

He's right.

We saw the orbs interrogating her.

If we tell Kate that the baby is okay, the Greys will know.

And then they'll just come after us to get the baby.

So we're just not doing anything

How are we okay with this

Is nobody else bothered by this

Yes, I am bothered by it.

But mostly, I'm cold.

And this jacket fits like a glove.

Get out.

You sure this is the spot Mike saw the Mantid

Yeah, I recognize the tree I was behind.

It was the perfect pea tree,

two small limbs like handlebars.

How do you even know it's gonna come back here

I don't, but we have to try something.

Lena's gonna get hurt if we can't prove to her

what's really out there.

I feel like maybe this is 20% about Lena

and 80% about you getting a photo

so you can finally see an alien.

90% the last one.

Everyone gets to see an alien but me.

Even you saw the Loch Ness Monster

during your semester abroad.

Are you sure it wasn't just a big log

I thought we were supposed to be supportive of each other

I know. Sorry.

I'm just jealous.

Hi

How was your day

I'm a human

It was okay.

There was a fly in my office.

Ooh

That must have been so hard for you, human.

You must have been so annoyed.

You like this human stuff

Okay.

Well, I'm human right now.

Let's go work up an appetite before dinner.

No, no.

Heather, my darling...

I'm actually a human now.

The Greys, they stole my energy.

I no longer have an alien form.

Just this one.

What

I've been human ever since you came back.

That's why when you ask me to change,

I always say no because I cannot.

I'm sorry.

It's the truth.

Will you marry me

What

You're the love of my life, Harry,

whether you're alien or not.

Yeah, sure, okay, my parents are gonna be very, very angry

'cause they're super racist against humans, but...

But there is something else that I need to ask you.

You want me to stay in human form to you.

When you are Avian...

I don't find it as... attractive

It's very intimidating, like a vulture.

Or like a too eager duck who bites your finger

instead of the bread.

Harry, look, I

I want you to be comfortable with me.

If you want me to just have one measly vagina,

that's what I'll do.

You would do that for me

- So - My God

- Do I get down, then - I think. I don't

I feel like we get down and you're up.

- I don't know. It feels weird. - I just...

yes I will marry you

Great

- Hello - Hello

How racist are your parents

Pretty racist.

What about one with all of the colors

Yes.

That's for sure what you should do.

And I'll do maybe, like, this light doo-doo.

All I know is, I think

my maid of honor will be my sister.

- Okay. - Who will be your best man

Asta.

Cool.

Kind of weird that your best friend is a woman, but...

Dad

That is your father

Dad, what are you doing here

Well, hello, Mr. Heather.

I can.

Son of a bitch

- Dad, no - No No

It's a different time, Dad

You think I care what Mrs. Carmichael says

She can eat a dick.

I don't want your money, and we don't need your money.

Wait, wait. He's in the rafters

He's in the rafters

Sir

Sir

I just want to say I understand that you're upset.

But I look forward to the moment

that I actually get to call you Dad.

Dad, stop it

Come on Come on

Where are you

I haven't touched her cloaca.

I promise

Yeah, sorry, no drunks after closing.

Come on.

Can't a guy just stop by to help an old friend

Can. Never has.

What are you doing out so late

I was just out taking a walk to clear my head

and listen to my thoughts.

I tried that once.

Not a fan.

You know what I was thinking about, actually, was...

that night that you came over to tell me I was abducted.

I think that I was abducted by aliens on that camping trip.

Then and, like, a million times since.

I think that you were right.

That doesn't sound like me.

D'Arce, I know that you know something.

And maybemaybe you felt weird talking to Kate about it

and that's why you didn't,

but you know that you can talk to me.

Yeah, I know. That's why we're talking now.

Hello How are you, sir

How is the weather today

How are your stocks Are they up Are they down

No, come on. I'm serious.

I mean, you know that you can be yourself around me.

Yeah.

I know.

How do you know I'm not

The you that I know is pretty blatantly honest.

Remember in high school, you told me how you felt about me,

and I felt the same way, but I was just

too scared to say anything.

But you weren't.

This is that, okay

So if there is anything that I need to know about

that you're not telling me...

anything, even if it's about aliens...

I need you to please tell me.

No.

Nothing.

You swear

I swear.

On Mrs. Fontaine's Ford Fiesta.

Vomit comet

Yeah. Yep.

Okay.

Okay.

Have a good night.

Hello

Juje

What

You up for a drink

Yeah.

I'll meet you at the 59.

I'm here

Your dad crapped in the mashed potatoes.

II bet I could scrape that off the top.

Crap is a game over situation.

You're gonna wanna throw that whole thing out.

And the bowl.

- Okay. - And the spoon.

Harry, what's wrong

This isn't going to work.

No, no, no, no. I know my dad was angry.

Obviously, he was so angry.

But I think he's been working out a ton,

and that had to be the steroids.

He said that if we get married,

that you will never see him or your mother again.

I don't care about that.

Yes, you do.

You left me because Joseph threatened your family.

They obviously mean everything to you.

You would lose that.

Well, it's worth it if I'm with you,

okay, because we're the family now

you, me, the kids.

No.

You're disgusting.

What was that

I'm sorry.

No, I meanhuman language is so clumsy.

I meant to say I find you disgusting.

Yes, it's still not great.

Your human form is all that I can understand.

You are too great to have to live with someone

who no longer has the senses to appreciate

everything that you are.

My visual spectrum is restricted.

I can no longer smell you with my entire body.

My taste is muted. My touch is numb.

Your true form makes me want to vomit.

Well, if I make you sick, the kids can eat it.

We can make this work. I know we can.

No.

You deserve to have what we had before.

I can no longer give you that.

I am only what is left

after everything good has been taken away.

No. No, that is not true.

You know that it is.

Can you at least tell me one more of your poems

Say it in your language.

I've always found it so beautiful.

I would do anything for you.

I was upset.

I took things personally and overreacted.

And I apologize.

Okay.

Wow, very efficient of you.

I've honed my skills.

What you want in a partner is a constant willingness

to improve.

I agree with that.

Butand don't worry.

I'm not asking you to believe in aliens, okay

We don't have to believe in the same things,

just like we don't agree on everything.

Hell, I can think of lots of things we don't agree on.

Crème brûlée is delicious.

It's disgusting.

Anyway, I need to keep the people that I love safe.

So...

even if you don't believe me, please believe this.

What you are up against

is the most dangerous thing in the world.

So I need you to promise that

while you're out there investigating,

that you're gonna be extra careful.

'Cause I can't

I can't lose you. I couldn't stand it.

I promise.

Okay.

Now, um, what was that thing you said before

Something about loving me

Well, I mean, I

I don't know. Maybe. I say lots of things.

You love me.

I mean, if that's what you heard, then...

that's what you heard because that's what I said.

I love you.

I love you too.

- Okay. - Okay, then.

Okay.

- I thought being honest with Heather about who I am

would make me feel better.

But now I feel worse, and so does she.

Maybe this is why humans hide how they feel.

Being your true self hurts too much.

Don't worry. It's almond milk.

I cannot believe I hate cow milk so much.

But then I hate myself for loving almond milk this much.

I'm a basic bitch.

You're human.

That's all.

And I'm proud of you.

You know, it can't have been easy,

but you did the right thing.

You put Heather's needs above your own.

It's like you did with Jay.

Yeah.

You must truly love her and your birdlings.

But now I'm sad all the time.

Being human is horrible.

It can be, yes, when things get bad.

But then they get good again.

When

Um, I

I can't tell you exactly.

But things get bad, but then they get good.

And bad.

But then good.

Everything is a cycle.

It's like the tide.

When I think about the tide,

I think about the moon that makes it

and how it is full of stolen babies.

Yeah, um,

I've had a lot of trouble looking up at the sky

these days too.

But things will get good again

Yes.

They always do.

Bye. Thank you.

I don't even like these pants.

It doesn't matter, okay

We're gonna take them back in three weeks

when you outgrow them.

- You hungry - Yeah.

But I'm actually going to eat ice cream with Sahar.

All right, I love you.

Be safe, okay

Ooh

I'm gonna go get us some cookies for later.

Hello.

I will take two boxes of the mints

and two of the lemon, please.

- That'll be $18. - Okay.

Great. There you go.

Thank you.

And here's your change.

Thanks.

And this is yours too.

It's from your neck.

We don't even need that implant to watch you.

We're watching you anyway.

Always.

So if you think you can get away from us, you're wrong.

Because we're here.

We're everywhere.

Enjoy the cookies.