Original subtitles

I can't believe that you got me into air hosting too.

When the girls even say, we'll probably have the first sorority ever.

I love it.

It's so good to have you back, Elvis. Things are so hectic in your absence.

How was the trading card convention, Dr. Elvis?

I like trading cards.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Does you know who's supposed to be Dr.

Quisling? What happened to him?

He's running his chest out as an ant farm.

Not a funny farm. Not where the buses don't run no more.

Have you ever had your lips wrapped around a real doctor's dick?

Of course not.

Good, because I'm not a real doctor.

What did I tell you was Dr. Elvis' first primary rule?

No drugs, no candy.

Take your top off.

Take your clothes off.

Take your clothes off.

Watch this box.

Be right.

Be regular.

You'll get your wings.

You'll get your wings.

You'll make a lot of money.

Yeah, I promise.

Yeah.

Here's something.

Oh,

thank

you, Mary TNT.

You think those babes will pull off that sorority deal?

I heard they want to become a colony of Kappa Mu Alpha.

Who gives a fuck? Where's this half pint?

Oh, Mike Pint.

As you know, Dave and I went to Johns Hopkins.

The old man went to Harvard along with Pint Sr. They were pals.

Even knew Harry Routt Jr.

of Scarsdale.

Called Pint Boy a nerdle.

Who gives a fuck? Is he going to show or what?

Attention, Chancellor Sandbag, Dean Goldbrick, Dr. Melville, and Professor

Your curriculum planning meeting has been rescheduled for next Thursday at 10

.m.

Well, I don't think I'm going to become a full -time student, but I'm definitely

going to like the new sorority.

I heard anybody wants 10 kids.

Even married Annabelle.

You mean married TNT?

Married TNT.

Married trailer driver. Yeah.

That sounds like an inside doctor's joke.

Yeah. You know what? Know what?

Do you remember the TV show, The Newlywed Game, with Bob Eubanks as the

You mean the guy that hosts the humorous parade?

No, I think that was just a little...

He was so cool when he goofed on the couples and they thought he was a pal.

He had this one wife. Where was the strangest place that her and her hubby

had?

That man fucked back then.

Oh, okay. And you know where her answer was?

Let me guess.

No, it's her turn. She said, right in the butt.

In the butt?

Right in the butt.

Oh. I like that.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Monsieur Obfuscation. Why do you frighten me?

It means, uh, avoid confusion.

I'm sorry, uh, I've been looking for a chance to talk to you.

Well, here I am.

How's classes?

Fine. Yeah?

Any favorites?

Should I say...

You know, there's something about this town that bugs me.

There's an Ed's Bank, Ed's Insurance, Ed's Motel, Ed's Gas Station, Ed's

Sunglass Emporium. You're Bobby, Ed?

Yeah. And even the janitor's name is Ed.

So, isn't there anything in this town that isn't Ed's something?

Yeah. There's Edna's Taxidermy and Tattoo Parlor and Ed's Gas Station.

Jesus.

Well, um, listen, since I'm a specialty instructor and not faculty,

can I take you out to dinner?

Sure. Why not?

For those who don't, none is possible.

Rod Carew, 1974.

The national muckety -mucks at Kapamu Alpha Sorority have just now notified

myself and Margaret Mary Rose that Burton Allen Institute has been selected

KMA colony.

Yes. So earn those, Charter.

And earn those wings.

I still think he's wonderful.

He's as crazy as a shithouse loon.

Oh, come on. I think Elvis is sweet.

Plus, he may be the nicest guy in this place.

He gets so excited about those goofy flipping cards.

Well, that's his life.

That and us girls.

And I happen to know that the rest of the girls will be busy for the next half

an hour.

He hit on you yet?

I've heard he doesn't hit.

I heard it just sort of happens.

You know what, Mary Isabel?

I want to kiss your mouth.

I want to suck on those great nipples.

Really?

Well, I dare you.

I want to kiss you all over.

And then I will lick you all over.

And I mean all.

All stuck on those toes.

Then suck my clit till I can't even move anymore.

I want you to fuck my face.

With your entire pretty pussy.

Then, trubidism.

What?

Trubidism. It's like what scissors is called.

You know, pussy friction.

I want to lick your asshole half the night.

Then I'll lick yours the other half.

I want to buttfuck you with my tongue.

And I'll do you with my fingers.

I

want

you to dry hump me.

My leg.

And your pussy.

Oh, you are a foul girl.

But I like it.

I dare you.

And I call your bluff.

um um

Thank you.

Mm -hmm.

ambush Elvis during my next exam.

I think I will too.

Sarah Jane, that Professor Neff is really something else with his

story. He can take bullshit and turn it into interesting.

Yeah, I had him a couple years ago.

You know what he said to me towards the end of the term?

He said, Sarah Jane, you may be a gypsy girl at heart, but you're one of the

fewer than five redheads I've met in my lifetime that's worth a shit.

Oh, you must know about the Yellow Roads of Texas.

I don't think so.

His stories can vary from year to year.

Well, during the Texas Revolutionary days, a mulatto slave that was owned by

Colonel James Morgan greatly influenced the outcome of the Mexican War.

Her name was Emily D. West, and she lived on this plantation on the San

River.

Mexican General Santa Ana's preoccupation with her was directly

his defeat.

Yeah?

Yeah, you know the song of Yellow Rose of Texas?

That's all about her.

Professor Nassif is all through.

Wow, that's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Well, have you seen Mary Angel, by the way? I want to go sunbathing with her

later. No, I haven't. Hmm.

That was Gumby Watanabe and the Toad Patrol with their new hit, The Mud Cat

Stomp. Now back to the phones.

Who's this?

This is Swingin' Johnny Alberts on the K -Ed Countdown to Bonanza trivia quiz.

Is this, in fact, Dr.

Elvis Melville of the Burton Allen Institute?

No, it isn't.

It's Dr. Elvis T. Melville, M -E -L -V -L -E. Who's this?

I already told you. One of your student nurses said in your name, are you ready

to play our big cash game?

Some fuckhead quiz guy.

You sent my name in?

Know who did?

For what hundred dollars, Big E, what Scottish inventor, front name James,

you associate with patenting the steam engine in 1769?

What? That's right, Doctor. James Watt is the answer.

One hundred bones.

No pun intended.

Care to push your luck all or nothing and go for a thousand?

Yes.

On the hit series Leave It to Beaver, his best friend was Gilbert Bates,

by Stephen Talbot. Yet, in his first episode, Gilbert's character had a

different last name.

What was it? Hey, Albert, I finished the roof.

Want me to do the gates or the doors next?

Uh, gates, I guess.

You guess?

Jesus H. Christ, Elvis. Gilbert Gates is the right answer. Amazing.

You're the first guy in a month to win the grand.

Now, would you like to push it for that final K -Ed Radio 5K payoff? $5 ,000.

Heavens, Dr. Melville, you drew an easy one. Put the money in your pocket of the

following sequence. Which one does not fit?

Apples. Oranges.

Bananas. Or gasoline? Pick the odd one out.

Oranges?

FCC, be damned. Are you out of your fucking mind? Why the hell did you

oranges? I hate oranges.

I like apples, bananas, and gasoline.

I hate oranges.

Three fruits and a transportation fuel? How can you be so fucking stupid?

What's wrong with you? You need help.

I gotta go.

Alert the FBI. I think he's a terrorist.

I don't know.

Dangerous man.

Wake up, you moron.

Thanks, bone boy.

Bone boy?

Yeah, bone boy.

Full doctor's a bone man, and you, intern, is a bone boy.

Great, got something to look for. Hey, where's that degenerate? We got the

toilets overflowing the football dorms again. We gotta go find him.

I ain't got no name. I ain't got no fucking clue.

I gotta go.

Can I see him?

I'll tell him.

Whoa, boy.

Oh.

I never saw anybody hung so big. Unbelievable.

Hi, girls. Hello.

So, Mary Rose, I heard you once tried to get rid of Dr. Elvis' no bra and panty

rule. Yeah, I was on a real assertiveness gig until I realized it's

therapeutic. Keeps you up for the patients.

Captain Sky Pilot Oddfellow was talking about a mile -high club?

What's the story with that?

Well, I never took the course myself, but it does refer to having sex way up

the air your first flight out.

Or any flight thereafter.

Well,

anyway, I've got to go take over the nurse's station.

Bye. Bye.

Have you had dinner yet?

Of course not. It's only 2 .30.

Well, what time do you eat? I'd be starved.

A girl makes...

Oh, wait a minute. How many meals do you eat a day? Three.

And what by chance might you call them?

Breakfast, dinner, and supper.

So you don't eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Do you ever have brunch?

Well, maybe I'll have a snack sometimes.

No, no.

It's not your fault.

Just regional bullshit.

So what do you call a hunk of pizza?

A piece.

Never heard of a slice?

What about carbonated beverages?

Coke or pop.

But absolutely not soda?

Then what's the main trimming for turkey on Thanksgiving?

Dressing or maybe cranberries?

Well, honey, most people are going to tell you it's stuffing.

And what do you wear around your neck when it gets cold?

A muffler.

No, it's a scarf.

But don't worry, I'll hip you up.

Attention nameless, call on line 104.

This is the third page.

Where the hell are you?

All right.

Oh no.

No.

Ah!

Message for Ed.

Don't know which one.

Gosh, Mary Rose.

Must be so nice to have a room of your own.

Well, you have to understand it comes after years of living with all you

You'll get one soon enough.

All right.

Samar, is it coming up soon? Good luck on finals and I'll turn out the light

from out here.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Mary Sue.

Good night. Good night, Mary Melissa.

Good night, Mary Beth.

Bye -bye.

That guy Mike Pint ever make it yet? He's out all term.

Not yet.

You know what the best show on TV is?

I know what it is.

What? The Saturday Prime.

Baywatch.

The greatest show in the history of television.

It's true.

Anybody ever use this room for extracurricular activities like Dr.

Desperado or Dr. Pierce?

Well, Elvis, they do.

All the time.

Do you know what I mean?

Dr. Pierce took me golfing the other day and asked me the oddest question.

Crazier than Professor Nash?

I don't know him.

But what's the largest city in California that wasn't derived from

Well, there's Los Angeles, then San Diego.

You know, most people didn't know that was the sixth largest city in the

country.

Then there's San Francisco.

No, wait.

San Jose, then Frisco.

Shame on you, Mary Miranda. You should know better than that.

Calling San Francisco Frisco is like calling a black person a nigger.

Sorry. San Francisco.

Well, my guess would have to be Sacramento or Oakland.

That's what I thought, too, but it's actually Long Beach.

Gnarly.

You know, I bought Dr. Pierce a Del Shannon CD.

Hmm. I was wondering if the term high yeller...

Came from the yellow rose of Texas.

Dr. Melville, Dr. Elvis T. Melville, report to exam room B. Stat, exam room

Elvis. Oh, Mr.

Childers, don't this your lucky day. You know what happens this afternoon?

All afternoon they're running your favorite, the Mayberry Marathon. You get

see all of your favorites in 15 episodes.

Why, there's Barn, there's Gomer, and Goober.

and Ernst T. Bass, and Howard Sprigg, and especially Floyd the Barber.

And look at Ferdinand Institute. We're remodeling just for you, Mr.

Childers. But I tell you, you've got to start behaving yourself.

You've been slipping and sliding.

Miss Mary Melissa, would you tell Mr. Childers what we're having for lunch

today?

Well, let's see.

Today we have some turnip and barley soup.

We have some lemon -baked chicken.

We have some green beans.

And for dessert, we also have some blackberry shortcakes.

Oh, Mr. Childress, don't that good.

And if you're extra spatial, maybe Miss Mary will show you her cute little

titties.

Only if you promise not to throw up on yourself or shit the bed anymore.

That's it.

Childers, I ain't playing southern sissy boy no more.

It's over.

You get to play a new game. It's called Tommy Udo. Richard Widmark, kiss of

death. You're going to ride it until you just can't ride it no more.

Bye -bye, Udo.

Childers. You should be in movies.

Maybe not.

Get your shit together, children.

Sit up.

Hello, Dr. Melville.

Student. Call me Elvis T.

Where's your student uniform?

Oh, I'm not taking it this term.

Instead, I chose Planet Earth and the surrounding stars 505.

Ah, piece of cake. Astronomy.

So you ready for your exam?

Yes, sir.

But I was hoping that you might help me cram for a quiz.

Oh, yeah.

We could have a little game of strip quiz.

For every wrong answer, you have to take off an article of clothing.

Oh, I'm way too good of a student for that. I'd never be naked.

Tell you what.

How about if I miss a question, I take all my clothes off?

Oh, boy.

Here are my curbsheets.

I like large dicks.

That's not the right question.

What is a constellation?

Well, that's far too easy.

There are imagined patterns among the stars stemming from tradition or

that can be used for study of the Earth or for navigation.

Name the North Star.

Polaris. At least for the next 4 ,000 years.

What are the six largest constellations?

In order, measured by square degrees, Hydra, the water snake.

Female, of course.

The largest and the longest.

Virgo, the maiden.

Ursa Major, the great bear.

Cetus. The whale.

Hercules, from the mythological character.

And Aridonis, the river.

Only the sixth largest, but the second longest.

What are the three smallest constellations?

Crust, or Crucius, the southern cross, is the smallest at only 68 square

degrees, compared to Hydra at 1303.

Then, Aquilius, the little horse.

And Sagitta, the arrow.

The Southern Cross is my favorite of all.

What is the brightest star?

Sirius, part of Orion.

Only the Sun, Moon, Venus, Jupiter, and Mars are brighter.

Oh, Jesus, you're amazing.

What are the equinoxes and the solstices?

Solstices is the correct way to say it. They indicate the seasons.

Vernal, or spring equinox, is usually March 22nd, give or take a couple of

when the sun crosses the celestial equator and day and night are

equal.

The autumnal equinox is September 22nd, give or take, and signals fall.

Do you know the Harvest Moon?

Great album by Neil Young, 20 years after the Harvest album.

Are you the unknown legend riding in a Harley with the blonde hair in the wind?

Maybe.

But it's the full moon closest to the autumnal equinox.

Next full moon is the hunter's moon.

I think I'm in love.

The summer solstice is June 22nd. Again, give or take a couple of days either

way. You know, I think I lost a lot of money on a quiz show today. I fucked up.

What is the best known common name for the following constellations?

Corvus. The crow or raven.

Pornac. The furnace.

Rouge. The Crane.

Norma. The Level or Carpenter's Square.

Cygnus. The Swan.

Orion. The Hunter.

Did you send my name to a radio quiz show?

Russ never sleeps, except for McDonald's, because everything's made

plastic. Aurora Borealis sleeping with Pocahontas.

More bonus shit.

Did you know that Larry Fine was a forgotten stooge?

I hate the three stooges.

Wrong answer. Take your clothes off.

Have you ever sailed under the Southern Cross?

Maybe with me?

I quit.

You got too many brains for a girl.

Too smart.

Why, Elvis T, are you a sexist?

Yes.

Honestly? How about that?

Are you going to be an astronomer or something?

No. I just like studying heavenly bodies.

Well, uh, I think I'll pass on that one.

Let the exam begin.

Whoa.

Um, sorry.

Put your shoulders straight.

Stick your ass out.

Further.

Further.

Is that good?

Oh, man.

Yeah.

The

clothes

are good.

You have good clothes.

Take your top off and make me crazy

And

make

the same face

You're gaining a lot of weight.

I don't think so.

Uh... Would you

like me to fix you up?

Yes.

I usually do this on the table.

Yeah.

What's that for?

It's for me.

Well, I don't know for you.

See, if I do certain things while I'm examining you,

I'm much more efficient, much more aware.

I have a higher level of concentration.

Mmm.

I can

feel

it. Better than nature.

Hmm.

Wow.

Oh.

I swear to you, Nameless, it's all set for just after the wing ceremony.

Just us and the babes.

They want us to bring that Skypilot guy.

What? Fuck that punk.

What do we need him for? We handle ourselves.

Elvis will be in surgery.

He'll be tied up for all that time.

And no air hostess in 202 to deal with, huh?

Okay, I've graded all of your exams, and... Did those football players even

the finals?

Yeah, did they get Mickey Mouse A's for the course?

Well, not A's, but they did pass, okay?

And, fortunately, all of you ladies have performed in such a manner as to

receive your wings in Ed's Airlines as stewardess trainees.

Your actual flights begin next term.

Attention all staff members.

Be alerted that Mr. Childers is on the loose again.

Please find the loser and return him to Dr. Pierce.

Hey, hey, hey, girls.

Oh, great news for Mary Rose.

The National Headquarters is finally finished with our evaluation, and we've

been confirmed for colony status.

Yay! What's coming?

So, right now, let's all get ready for our weeing ceremony, all right?

Uh...

This party's jerking us off. You ain't gonna show.

This guy was probably born on third base.

Thinks he had a triple.

Instead of a checkup and a physical, he needs a swirly.

I gotta do a ceremony later.

And surgery forever.

Tough break, Elvis.

See you later.

My head.

You have to stay in a good toilet.

Ever try to shit on the couch?

Now, let me get this straight. You feel we have a need to network. You want to

take a meeting and do lunch.

You think your people need to interface with my people and discuss it some more.

Talk to Elvis.

Because I have one thing to say.

Fat chance, asshole.

Hi, Dr.

Pierce. We only have a couple of moments before Dean Goldbrick is hosting the

Chancellor's Sandbags Afternoon Tea.

Oh!

That's it, cheerleader nurses.

You go to big time me for a couple of clucks. I mean, one of them's just

irritating. The other one's downright annoying.

Yeah, but they're hosting the new varsity cheerleaders.

And we gotta go.

Congratulations, girls.

Oh, Chancellor Sandbag's done wonders for the endowment of art and special

education.

Who? That dumb guy.

At the expense of the athletic department.

Let me tell you, Sandbag and Goldbrick are nothing but a bunch of suck -egg,

pond scum, filth -serving, kiss -ass, weasel -boy pinheads.

What did you need, Ambrose?

Oh, oh.

I think Mary Melissa already knows. I have absolutely had it with Childers.

now on, I want the two of you in charge of his wheelie little exercises.

And every now and then, you've got to keep testing him to make sure there's

something upstairs other than white noise.

Mary Melissa, congratulations.

You passed.

And you have your wings.

Oh, yay.

Congratulations. You're the greatest student in the history of Burton Allen

Institute. Cult chapter in the book.

Congratulations.

You're the greatest new woman in the history of Burton Allen Institute.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry I forgot to say goodbye to you.

I'll see you later, okay?

Congratulations.

You're the greatest student in the history of Burton Allen Institute.

Congratulations.

You're the greatest student in the history of...

Ladies. Congratulations.

Hi.

Hi.

She's the greatest student in the history of Bertonella. Yes, she is.

These are all the greatest students in the history of the Bertonella Institute.

It's time to party.

Oh, uh huh.

Woo! Doctor, you're here.

We're at it again.

At it again. We couldn't wait for you.

Not again.

Oh, hi. Come join us.

Oh.

Ah. Ah.

oh oh

Oh.

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do it.

oh

She thought I said I started to menstruate.

It's all fucked up, Childers.

It's just you and me waiting for Mike Pint to finally show up.

You know, sometimes you think a guy is a real player.

Turns out to be a fucking punk.

This is Swingin' Johnny Alberts talking at you on radio station KEDD, the voice

of the South San Joaquin, the last of the K -Ed good guys.

And this next tune is going to be dedicated to each and every one of those

little yummies at the Burton Allen Institute.

Speaking of which, I think next week sometime I ought to give that Dr. Elvis

another call just to bust his balls.