Original subtitles

Oh, FYI, the club is having

a Twelve Days of Christmas- themed dinner

that'll knock your socks off. Ooh!

Punishing amount of poultry. Just brutal.

Now, brutal in a fun way

or brutal in, like, Rory's burn book way?

That kid took us bothdown.I never wore sandals again.

Hey, you ever think about telling the kids about us?

And say what?

I mean, wehaven't even labeled this.

Whatever thisis.

But if we werelabeling it, what would it be?

Snuggle buddies?

Handsy carpoolers?

Hot tub pals.

Ooh! Or maybe -- maybe just "tubbers"?

Oh, I love our workin the hot tub. [ Chuckles ]

But all this -- kids,having a conversation, words --

feels likea 2020 problem to me.

I'm so glad you said that, 'cause I just...

you know, I like being in our little bubble.

So safe in here. Yes!

Just you and me,ignoring the needy screams

of the children we're hiding from.

Uh-huh.

Amy: Lights.Emma: Watch the bulbs this time!

Get off my ass, will ya?!

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Look.

I told you, I got it!

No.

Look.

♪♪

Aah!

♪♪

--Captions by VITAC--

[ Bells jingle ]

Gotta say, Angie, I am very impressed

with how you've uppedyour Christmas game this year.

I see you hung a Santa beard.

You know, that's not normallya decoration,

but still,I admire the effort.

Oh!

That's a beard. I thought it was snow.

Now that we're back in the house,

I just want to give Graham the best Christmas ever.

You know, it's been a crazy couple months.

Yeah, he lived in a sauna,like a human towel.

And check it --

this year, I'm gonna read Graham's letter to Santa.

You've never read it before?

And feel bad for all the crap I can't afford to buy him?

No, thank you.

That blood's on Santa's hands.

This Christmas, Graham is gonna get

everything he asks for, even if it means

I have to max out all my credit cards

and sell my teeth and hair, like in "Les Mis."

You know,I actually played Cosette

in a gender-bending production of "Les Mis"

at a junior collegewhere I was not enrolled.

I...don't love knowing that.

Alright, kidoodle,time to hit the road.

A-plus decking the halls, Angie.

You would never be able to tell

you burned down your own house.

And a merry Christmasto you, child.

♪♪

Graham: Here, Mom.

For the mailbox at the bottom of your purse.

♪ We won't go until we get some♪

♪ We won't go until we get some♪

♪♪

Graham: Hi, Santa.

Based on what's been under the tree lately,

I suspect I may have the wrong address.

Have you switched Poles?

Anywhoozle, this year,

I only have two things on my list.

1, I want to see snow.

2, I want to meet my dad.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, that's a punch in the butt.

[ Camera clicking ]

How long you plan on loitering in front of my fireplace?

Until I get the perfect photo.

You know how hard I work on myChristmas card/Instagram post

'cause I don't knowwhere the stamp goes.

Well, at least you know that there arestamps,

and that's more than I'd expect.

Hey, hey, Douglas, I got a problem.

Well, good luck with it. And use coasters.

No, no, no, no! Listen, listen.

[ Chuckles ] So, I askedmy friend with bennies,

Homily Pronstroller,

to help me come upwith the dopest, freshest,

most off-the-wall idea for a card.

I thought she wasthe coolest girl around,

but she keeps pitching meall this lame stuff.

Who's ready for photos?

I got you matching Christmas sweaters.

[ Chuckles ] Hey, you know, when you get those printed, uh,

I'll take two copies, okay?

Okay. Right on that.

Ugh. Yes. Mm.

I knew you were a snowman guy.

Jack, you're gonna look so good in this!

Miggy! Miggy!

The twins came to me with some...troubling information.

We need a third-party confirmation.

Okay.

Are my dad...

And my darling mother...

Boyfriend and girlfriend?

Oh, yeah.You guys didn't know?

What? Oh, my God.

Girls, get the salts.

I'm going down.

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Hey. Will.

Remember when I said that Graham was

gonna get everything on his list this year?

That little dumb-dumb asked for snow.

Damn, girl, you dead.

No. Not dead.

I'm gonna drive north until I hit the white stuff,

maybe...I don't know,use that map thingy on my phone.

Ew. This cookie's trash.

[ Chuckling ] Your phone?

Angie, you are standing

in front of KZOP'spreeminent alternate weatherman.

I'll find you snow.

Isn't TV weather just for entertainment purposes?

Entertainment purposes?

No.I am a professional.

Let's see here.

Ah ha ha ha!

Looks like Lake Arrowhead is expecting an onding.

What's that, you ask?

That's just the 18th-century Scottish word

for "heavy snowfall."

Something that just came from my mind.

I'll go ahead and book us a cabin.

Really?

Wow. [ Exhales sharply ]Thanks, Will.

You're the best.

You owe me $200.Amazing.

I'll Venmo you.

Will you?Absolutely not.

♪♪

I mean, once you get pastthe insane height difference,

this tracks.

Mom's been acting super-weird lately.

Mom, Louisa's sleepover dresscode is "Titanic Steerage,"

so, um...have you seenmy nightshirt?

Mom?

Mom?

Poppy! Oh, what? Yeah?

She only busts out Cocoby Chanel on special occasions,

and there has been a lotof special occasions lately.

Our dad's been sketchy as hell, too.

Make it sing, Tony.

♪♪

Mm.

Tony usually only does the big shave on his birthday.

He's been swinging that blade every week.

Right under our nosesthe entire time.

Like Charles and Camilla.

Hold up.

But what does this mean?

Are you going to be our triplet?

Listen, Poppy's great.

No disrespect.

But the Fogertys got a system.

Yeah, it works.

All this change kind of makes me want to yarf.

Okay.

There is clearly a lot of emotion here,

but we can start working throughthat crap after Christmas.

Right now, we have the next 48 hours

to use the info to get as many presents as possible.

Ooh, I love an inside job.

How are we gonna get these suckers?

When Mom was dating Mark Rush, she felt super-weird about it

and got me all of the celebrity Barbies that I wanted --

Ava DuVernay, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill,

Vitamin C --

We gotta guilt them

until the holiday shipping window runs out.

I want a baby hippo,

and I'll just toss itwhen it gets too big.

Who cares? It's free.

We're rich, you idiots.We're rich!

[ "Deck the Halls" plays]Angie: Can you believe I'm actually gonna pull off

this snow-for-Christmas thing?

I'm such a good mom, it's, like, obnoxious.

We are 1,000 yards away from snow.

Yay! Boy, oh, boy!

Hey, how many times do you think you could

listen to this song on "repeat" before you just ended it all?

For me, it would be four.

Start practicing your "brrr."

Both: Brrr![ Volume increases ]

♪ Deck the hallswith boughs of holly ♪

All: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la

[ Crow caws ]

I don't see snow.

Help me! Help me!My insides are drying!

Here, here. [ Exhales sharply ]

So, I guess your prediction was a little off.

Oh. Wait.Is that a snowflake?

Oh.

No, it's just ash.

Ugh!

This is exactly what I was talking about.

Weathermen are just like palm readers --

fun, never right, wear too much makeup.

I am a scientist.

I went to school for meteorology.

Oh, yeah? And what were your classes?

Looking Out the Window 101?

Oh, and when did they teach you to do this with your hands?

Okay, now we are veeringinto hurtful territory.

You said you'd get me snow!

Look, I knowthat Graham has had a hard year

and you want to get himeverything on his list.

Here.

Read this!

[ Sighs ]

"I want to meet my dad --"

Oh.

Ohhhh.

Ohhh!

Yeah, this is, uh...

this is a toughie.

Hmm. Yeah. Okay.

Well, let me look around for some "doy."

Nope! No doy!

Well, do you thinkthat he heard something

about Derek showing up?

No! I didn't tell him anything.

Graham knows zero percent real things about his dad.

When he was 4, he started asking questions,

and I panicked and told him that his dad

was a blueberry scientist in Greece.

'Cause you were eating blueberryGreek yogurt at the time?

Obviously.

[ Sighs ]

Once I give Graham a dad, he'll be in our lives forever.

And if they meet...

what if it doesn't go well?

Or what if it does?

Or what if Graham hates Derek or Derek hates Graham?

Or what if they team up and both decide they hate me?

Just because thathappened at your bankand with your co-workers

doesn't meanit'll happen with them.

There are a million things that could happen,

and I-I can't control any of them.

And right now, I control every part of Graham's life,

right down to the fact thathis diet is 78% chicken fingers.

Ang -- No!

I am sensing some real "open your heart" vibes right now,

and I don't want to hear it.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna find some snow.

[ Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby" plays ]

♪ Santa baby

You know, Mom,it's moments like this

that I'm gladit's just the two of us.

♪ Been an awful good girl

♪ Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪♪

[ Slot machine ringing, coins clattering]

♪ Santa baby

Dad, you know what I hate?

Change.

♪ I'll wait up for you, dear

♪ Santa baby

[ Slot machine ringing, coins clattering]

I just don't know whereI'd fit therapy in my schedule.

You know, if I had to...go for any reason.

♪ Santa cutie

♪ There's one thing I really do need ♪

[ Slot machine ringing, coins clattering]

I'm so glad I have a sister instead of a brother.

Can you imagine?

♪ ...and hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

♪♪

♪ And hurry

[ Slot machine ringing, coins clattering]

♪ Tonight

Douglas: Wow!

You bought him a re-creationof the "Clueless" closet?

What?I like that Paul Rudd.

His skin doesn't age.

It's not a re-creation, Douglas. It is thecloset.

Had it dug out from a prop house

and hired round-the-clock coders in the Ukraine to put Rory in it.

See?

Whoo!

[ Funky music plays]

[ Twinkle]

[ Chuckles ] So cute.

And so expensive.

I've been going hard, too,with the presents for the girls.

I made a down paymenton a fully operational crane.

Yeah, the dealer hosed me,

but at least it comeswith a 20-foot American flag.

Oh! Emma and Amy are gonna love that.

Picking heavy stuff up, putting heavy stuff down.

Maybe I've gone soft,

but I just can't resistthose big, blue peepers.

Today, Emma says to me,"It's us against the world."

Can you believe that?

[ Chuckling ] Wait a minute.

Rory said the exact same thing to metoday.

Ohh.

Ohh.

♪♪

Are we sure this is the look?

My parents would love these pictures,

and that's not what I'm going for.

Hey, maybe we could mix it up.

Miggy, do you knowanyone cooler than me?

Where do I live?

In an abandoned doll factory downtown.

Yeah. I know what's hip.

Now, uh, put your fistunder your chin like this.

Oh, come on. Just...

Yeah. Yeah.[ Door opens ]

Miggy.

Miggy!

Hey.

Do the kids know we're dating?

Oh, yeah.You guys didn't know?

Oh, my God. Oh, my --

Tony, enact the protocol.This is fine.

Parents date.Enact the protocol!

There's a red alert!

I found a receipt for a zero turn mower.

The man's like putty in our hands.

I say we start thinkingeven bigger.

Rory: Oh.

We won't stop until the three of us

are sucking down Shirley T's on the deck of a Disney Cruise.

[ Clears throat ]

Mom.

Ah. Look.

It is my beautiful mommy.

I --

[ Voice breaking ] I wuv you.

Save it, Rory Denzel Banks.

We know what you kidshave been up to.

After all we've done for you,

and this is how you draw us?

Why don't you children take a seat?

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

This place says they havefake snow on their website.

Although,they did not advertise

all the dirty underwear in the parking lot.

I mean, at this point, fake snowis better than no snow.

And Graham was born in Las Vegas.

He was? Why?

I was fat and bored and didn't want to be

the only person throwing up on a sidewalk.

Either way, he won't know the difference.

Hello. Good holidays to you.

We're visiting from Los Angeles,

and we're looking for snow.

Then why'd youcome to Arrowhead?It's hot as balls here.

Because he is a weatherman.

A weatherman?That's a great scam, man!

Huh. Wish I'd thought of that one.

Scam?

Because of me, you know when to put on a raincoat, bitch.

Okay, let's get down to it.

Are you running the snow machine today?

Nope.Well, what if we told you

it'd make a young boy very, very happy?

He's not terminally ill, but he canbe, if it helps.

Mm. No, doesn't help.

It's so hot out,it's just gonna melt anyway.

It's not worth my goo.

[ Sighs ]

Alright, hey, hey, Angie.

Do you think maybe it might be time

to consider giving Graham the otherthing on his list?

Oh, so we're just handing out daddies at Christmas now?

And besides, you hateDerek.

I know.

But you know who else drives me nuts? Mia.

But I'm still glad that Sophie has a relationship with her mother,

because it adds extra love to her life,

and shouldn't Graham have that, too?

A dogcould be extra love.

Or maybe a really heavy weighted blanket.

Angie, you can get Graham snow or toys or vacations

or a really high-quality sweater shaver,

which is what's on mylist this year.

But eventually, he is gonna want to meet his dad,

and if you want to control when and where...

now might not be a bad time.

♪♪

Okay.

Yeah.

Message received.

I just...need a minuteto marinate on it, okay?

Of course.

Hey, uh, you like purple?

'Cause, uh, if I don'tmove these trees,

I'm gonna have toget back into gift card fraud.

Unfortunately, I'm more ofa traditional greens guy myself.

You know, I would loveto get into the weather racket.

I mean,talk about easy cash.

[ Engine revs ]H-H-How do you get into that game?

I refuse to get in my secondfistfight ever during Christmas.

Everybody! Get in!

Wait!That's my snow machine!

Mom's gone crazy!

Does this count as kidnapping?

Angie, what the hell are you doing?!

Just get in!

Diversion!

[ "Jingle Bells" plays ]

[ Engine revs ]

Merry freakin' Christmas!

[ Engine sputtering ]Snow!

Snow!

Snow, damn it!

Argh!

Hey! Will, come on.

Kick it. Kick it for Graham.

I'm not gonna kick it, Angie.

We are fugitives.

Before today, my car has only been used for good.

You sullied the Honda.

This is yourfault.

You brought us here,

and if this thing doesn't startpooping out snow soon,

I'm not gonna pay you backfor the cabin.

You already told me you weren't.

I'm gonna go wash down this petty theft

with some hot cocoa!

Just because we're criminals doesn't mean we can't be comfy.

I'll take one.Do you want marshmallows?

Yes, please. I'll be back!

[ Grunts ]

Mom?

May I talk to you for a second?

Or are you too busy kicking your stolen snow machine?

Wha-- Stolen?

This? Wha?

You think I don't know our house is full of hot goods?

And it's clear you read my letter to Santa.

[ Scoffs ]

Busted.

♪♪

I-I just wanted to give youthe best Christmas ever, buddy.

I get it.

I mean...it's not like we can rely on Santa.

I ask him if I can meet my dad every year,

but it never happens.

You do?

You ask him every year?

Yeah.

Even Santa can't make my dad want to meet me.

No.

Graham.

I-I knowit may not seem like it,

but your dad actually --

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Vehicles approaching ]

Shedid it!

[ Scoffs ]

How dare you three manipulate us for presents!

How dare us?

How dare you!

You've never kept a secretfrom us before, Dad.

Oh, that's what youthink.

My dream is that in your old age,

you'll look at each other and say,

"In the end, I knew nothing about that man."

Well, we know you twowere kissing in our driveway.

Okay, look, we don't have to define our relationship

for you guys, okay?

We haven't even... defined it for each other.

That's right.

We live in a bubble, and it's very nice.

A bubble?

What kind of cop-out is that?

My mom deserves more than some shadow relationship.

Do you two love each other or not?

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]Hello?

Okay. Yes.

A shiv?

Okay.

W-- We'll be right there.

Well, that's a callI always knew I would get.

It's time to bailCooper and D'Amato out of jail.

Move it! Let's hustle.

Okay, now let's get one in front of my little buddies.

No! I draw the line at little buddies.

Homily, this isn't me.

I know you're the coolest chickon the planet,

but your Christmas card ideasare corny as hell.

Wow.

Wow, Miggy.

You know, I have to say...

it is really sexy

that you stood up for yourself just now.

You're not mad?

No, of course not.

Art is subjective.

That -- That is the whole point.[ Door opens ]

Your pictures ain't art, girl.

Hey, where are you guys going?

Cooper and D'Amato got locked up.

Oh, I am not missing this.

Come on, come on.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, is it cool if we bounce? Yes. Have fun.

I'll see you at my Non-Denominational Winter Cookie Party.

Dope.

[ Jack giggles ]

Come on, little buddies.[ Door closes ]

Let's take one with Mommy![ Door opens ]

Pronstroller. Get the hell out of my house.

I can't believe to get the charges dropped,

I had to buy two dozen purple Christmas trees.

I lovethem.

They're the Rory of trees.

I gotta say, mountain jail was kind of fun.

I helped someone make a knife out of a plastic fork.

Terrific.

Graham?

Hey.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

If it's about what I sawin the pokey,

I'm processing it pretty well.

Even that pregnant lady.

Oh. No.

Uh...

I just wanted to let you know that...

unlike snow in California...

...meeting your dad isn't impossible.

Yeah, right.

No, Graham.

It's not true that your dad doesn't want to meet you.

I've been in contact with him lately,

and it's actually the opposite.

Really?

Yeah.

So, when we get back,

let's make a plan for you two to meet.

♪♪

Thank you, Mom.

[ Sighing ] Oh, man.

I gotta practice my Greek.

Hey.

Nice work.

Welcome to the terrifying world

of not being the only adult in your child's life.

Thank you.

Although, you'rean adult in his life.

And that's...been pretty great, actually.

[ Chuckles ]

For both of us.

Ditto.

Oh, my God! Snow!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God! It's magical.

Hello, old friend.

Oh, that'ssnow.

Let's get out there!

Kids: Yeah!

[ Indistinct shouting, laughter ]

-You're gonna eat my snow! -No, you're gonna eat mysnow now!

Oh, these L.A. kids don't know snow.

Every year in Buffalo,

we'd lose at leastthree children in a drift.

[ Chuckles ]Now, thatwas snow.

God, I love hearing about your childhood.

[ Both chuckle ]

Hey, I hope the kids didn't put you in your head.

You know, how and when we chooseto define this relationship

is completely up to us.

We can stay in the bubble --I love you.

♪♪

I love you, Poppy.

And, uh...I think the kids are right.

Because when you feel this way about someone,

you want the whole worldto be your bubble.

I...

I love you, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Come here.

Mm!

[ All "Aww!" ]

Okay, so, is nobody gonna thank me for this?

Alright, well, how about a quick 10-day forecast, then?

Y'all are gonna be kissing my butt on Monday,

y'all are gonna be kissing my butt on Tuesday,

and you're gonna be kissing my butt

all the way through the weekend,because there's snow!

Being a weatherman is the closest thing to being a god.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

♪♪

Hey, hey, everybody! Circle up! Circle up!

♪♪

Thank you.

♪♪

[ Camera clicks ]

[ Indistinct shouting, laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, yeah.

That's the one.

That's me.

♪♪