Original subtitles

♪♪

Whazzup!

Guess who?

No, it's so good to hear your voice.

I miss you so much.

You're the worst.

You are honestly the worst person I know.

Except for her wife to be, I know.

She is the worst. But you're the be--

I'm going to kill myself in 180 days

if things don't get better.

I think it will hurt some people,

but in a way I'm doing them a huge service.

I'm giving them a gift.

I mean, I'm 45.

I'm fat.

I'm this queer dyke who has done shit in her life.

And that is my identity?

It's like, I'm trying to be a feminist

and I have this, like, princess, like, prince fantasy.

Like, not necessarily a man prince,

but I'm a struggling damsel in fucking distress.

This bitch at work

knows I've been fluctuating weight-wise,

so she's like,

"Oh, I went to Costco and got you almonds."

Fucking bitch.

So I laid out 180 almonds,

and every day I'm going to just go throw one away.

And then at the end if I have one last almond,

if there's one almond left and I don't feel any better,

I'm done, I'm out,

because I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of struggling.

And in my note, I'm going to tell that woman

the almonds were what pushed me over the edge.

I'm surrounded by people who are, like, full selves.

And I'm, like...

this building that's been delayed.

I'm that building.

Shitty.

Thing with, like, unfinished beams

that is, like, hard on the buildings around it,

like, and the people.

That eyesore, you know? Like, it's...

And all of this-- that has to change.

I need to become a building.

You know what I mean?

Dr. Frank--? Dr. Franklin?

[gasps]

Are you fucking kidding me?

[Abby screams]

[Abby] Fuck this!

What did you do?

Well, I mean, I checked her pulse.

I don't really know how to do that.

Like, back in seventh grade when we learned how to do that,

they told us that we had to say the number out loud.

But I always lied, because I had a higher pulse

than all the other kids, because I was fat.

But there was this super-fat kid named Kurt,

and he would always tell the truth,

and the whole class would laugh at him.

And he thought that he was in on the joke,

but they were laughing at him, not with him, you know?

-And it was just-- -More coffee?

Oh, actually, we're all set.

Just the check. I have to get to soccer practice.

[Chris] Oh, you play soccer?

No. My kids do.

Yeah, I figured.

Aly, it was a joke.

I'll be right back with the check.

Thank you.

She is so gorgeous.

I mean...

-Really? -Yeah.

Go ask her out.

I killed my therapist today, Al. I'm not going to ask her out.

Besides, I'm fat today, you know?

Today?

You know when you say stuff like that...

I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant, why is today different than any other?

I just feel it, you know?

And also,

you did not kill your therapist.

No, I did. I-I killed her.

I just told her that I had given myself 180 days to get happier,

or else I was going to end it.

And then she dies.

What?

What-what?

You're suicidal?

-I told you that. -No, you didn't.

-Yeah, you know, I did. -I'm pretty sure you didn't.

-Um, I'm pretty sure I did. -Jesus, Abby.

I don't know why you get mad at me when I--

Because, okay...

-What--What are we going to do? -Okay, you know what?

Actually, this is a problem you can't fix,

so just don't even try, okay?

-Well, you have to tell someone. -Well, I did.

Well, she was dead.

I was talking about you.

Anyways, I--you know, I've started to make some changes.

How?

For starters, I'm going to need a new therapist.

-[mutters] -Here's your check.

-Oh, thank you. -You're gonna want to hurry

so you can get to soccer practice.

Right.

[laughs]

Aly. Yes, that was a good one.

-Have a nice day. -Thank you.

Okay, I'm fat, and she's hitting on my skinny straight sister.

Oh, my God. That is so not true.

Get your stuff. I got to go.

Hey, guys, you know my sister, Aly?

Married, two kids?

Fucking dyke magnet.

It, like, happens all the time.

-It's ridiculous. -You know what?

Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You know what? You just said to start talking about it, okay?

And that's what I'm trying to do.

Almonds--

Lighten up with the almonds, okay?

We don't have time for that. You're going to be fine.

-Fine? -Yes!

That is so easy for you to say, Aly.

You have everything all worked out, and inside,

the hottest fucking baby dyke on the face of the planet

-is throwing herself at you. -Oh, my God.

You know what? You're delusional.

I am not delusional, okay?

I am pathetic. That's...

Okay.

Hey...

[sighs]

-Hi. -Hi.

Were you hitting on me or were you hitting on my sister?

I wasn't hitting on anybody.

Oh. Good. Thank you.

But you know what?

If you were going to hit on someone, who would it be?

-Not you. -Right, because I'm straight.

And you seem kind of mean.

[Alison] What? Really?

I'm just in a hurry.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I'm mean when I'm in a hurry.

Great. You know what? I don't even care what you think.

But, here, this is my sister's number.

She thinks you're gorgeous. Also, she killed someone today.

-What? -Well, not really. It's a joke.

-That's a joke? -Kind of.

Ask her about it. Her name's Abby.

-Okay. -Okay?

Okay.

Do you think that I'm mean?

-Sometimes, yeah. -Oh, my God. You know what?

I don't even care, okay? I just--don't--

please, don't kill yourself.

Okay, see, that's mean.

[laughter]

[woman] Okay, four words.

Four words. Fourth word...

Sounds like...

[overlapped chatter]

Seven Years in Tibet!

[all shouting]

You totally cheated!

You cheated! You cheated!

"Tit, butt."

Then she died. And I just got to say...

Stop. Wait, what?

I'm just saying that my therapist died in session,

-and then-- -[laughs]

I just had a major breakthrough.

Well, then that's good, at least.

-Thank you. -Yeah, yeah.

Was your breakthrough realizing that your problems were so big

that your therapist preferred death

over listening to your problems for one more minute?

Okay, you know what? Fuck you, Chandler.

-You know what? -[oven dings]

That's my brie!

It's our turn. It's our turn. Abby, go.

You're up. You're up. You're up.

Let's go.

[overlapped chatter]

[Campbell] No cheating. No cheating.

I don't cheat, bitch. Your team does.

Okay...

[indistinct chattering]

Oh! Oh! I killed my therapist!

Fuck you.

Oh, come on, man. Fuck you, dude.

[cell phone rings]

Don't answer it. I don't recognize the number.

That's okay.

-[ringing] -That was so mean, even for you.

[Campbell] Oh, please.

-Are you fucking kidding me? -I'm sorry.

You idiot.

-Come on. Jesus Christ. -Georgia.

Hello?

Hey, is this Abby?

Yeah, this is Abby.

Hi, this is Chris.

The waiter from Daisies.

Wait, the wait...

[Chris] Daisies. Uh, the restaurant.

You and your sister, the soccer player, came in today.

Oh, right.

Uh, she gave me your number.

Alison is such a fucking bitch.

[laughter]

She's just finding that out now?

[Alison] Hey, are you-- are you still there?

Yeah.

[Alison stammers]

Okay, this is so embarrassing.

I, uh-- I didn't know that she gave you my number.

Wait a minute. Did we mess up the tip?

Did we fuck you over on the tip?

Oh, God, no.

No, actually, you are a very generous tipper.

I mean, I worked in the service industry, so, you know...

I-I don't know.

I thought you were funny and kind of interesting,

and your sister told me you killed someone,

and I guess that piqued my curiosity.

Okay, you know I didn't really kill her, right?

Oh, I figured.

[chuckles] Okay.

Wait, are you still there?

Can I buy you a drink sometime?

Really?

Yeah, actually, I'd love it.

I haven't been out for a drink with an attractive woman

in a really long time, so...

Actually, I'm a trans man.

Well, I haven't been out with an attractive trans man in ever.

So...

Okay, I'm so sorry to be rude, but I actually

-really have to go. -Yeah, no. No problem.

Okay, okay. Okay, bye. All right, bye.

♪ Abby's got a date ♪

-Campbell... -♪ Abby's got a date ♪

-That's great. -[Abby] Thank you. Thanks.

When are you going to see her?

Actually, well, she's a guy.

He's a guy.

-[woman] What? -He's trans.

-He's a man. -Who's a man?

Abby's new girlfriend.

Right?

Yeah.

I hope this is going to be okay.

You mean the restaurant?

Yeah. I mean, like, when you go out,

do you always, you know, feel like you're at work?

No, no, no. This is great.

This is pretty different from my restaurant, so...

It is, yeah.

I actually come here a bunch and...

Oh, cool.

So...

where are you from?

Move around a lot,

but I moved here from San Francisco, actually.

-San Francisco. -Yeah. It's really pretty.

I went there one time when I was in high school.

It was, like, for a trip.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Okay.

What?

I think that's Julia Sweeney.

-[Chris] Who? -[Abby] Don't look.

But I really think that's Julia Sweeney.

Who is Julia Sweeney?

Uh, Julia Sweeney from Saturday Night Live.

She played Pat.

[groans]

I don't know what you're saying.

She's over there. Like, she's so smug, drinking wine.

Probably thinking of her next thing that she's going to write

for This American Life.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah. You watch Saturday Night Live, though.

You've seen-- you watch it, right?

I mean, yeah, but sometimes.

Well, she played...

How old are you?

-22. -You're 22?

Yeah.

[laughs]

-How old are you? -45.

Huh.

Huh? That's...

[laughs]

Okay, I gotta say one thing.

Um, that woman over there ruined my life.

Let's start with cocktails, I think.

I think we should start with cocktails.

You should go talk to her.

I'm not going to go talk to her.

Yeah, you should go tell her that she ruined your life.

-Get it over with and be done. -How do you see that going?

Like, "Hi, Miss Sweeney. My name is Abby.

Uh, your character Pat that you played,

who nobody could tell was a man or a woman, ruined my life.

Have a good night."

-Wait. What? -Yeah.

That was the only joke of the whole premise,

was, is that a man or a woman?

-Fuck that. -Yeah.

And for, like, years after,

people would always say that I looked like Pat.

Did you?

To be fair, maybe.

I mean, I wore a lot of overalls and, you know...

What do you think she's doing here?

She actually lives up in the North Shore.

-Oof. -I know.

I think I'm going to go talk to her.

I think that's a really bad idea.

I want to tell you, I really hate conflict.

I got to tell you, I really love conflict.

[laughs] Oh, Jesus.

You should please let me do this for you.

-Yes. Yes. Okay. -Thank you.

I'll be right back.

[cell phone chimes]

[inaudible]

[Julia] Abby?

Hi, Abby. I'm Julia.

Oh.

Um...

♪ punk rock music plays ♪

[boys] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Are you sure that's the right address?

Yeah. Her roommates are throwing the party.

You're going to go in there?

[Abby] I know. She's so cute.

-All right, you're coming with? -No. No way.

I told you I'd walk you to the party, that's it.

[scoffs]

Come...

Hey! Are you sure you're at the right party?

I think so. I'm looking for Alexis.

Oh.

Duh, okay. I get it.

[giggling]

Like...

[chuckling]

Pat's here.

What did you just say?

Nothing.

Okay, that's not exactly true, okay?

Just tell me what you said.

Chill out, dude, I didn't say anything.

-"Dude"? -Yeah.

Okay, let me help you out for one second, okay?

You called me Pat. I walked in, you saw me,

you turned to that jackass and you said, "Hey, Pat's here."

-Right? -What's going on?

Oh, hey. Nothing. Hey.

Hey. Abby, this is Charlotte, my roommate.

Hi. I've heard so much about you.

-You too. Thank you. -What's going on, Chad?

Nothing.

Really, what's going on?

It's really no big deal, okay?

It doesn't sound like nothing.

He called me Pat.

I really just-- I just want to forget it.

-I didn't do anything. -Seriously?

-No, I didn't. -Are you serious?

Let's go put your bag in my room.

Yeah.

Ugh!

This is why.

This is why!

Okay, I really--

I really didn't mean to cause a scene.

It's-- What scene?

-Okay. -Thank you for coming.

Thanks for inviting me.

Your roommate seems really, really nice.

-She's the best. -[Charlotte] Fuck you, Chad.

You always get drunk and you ruin everything fun.

[Alexis] Give me your bag.

Okay.

Thank you.

[Chad] Charlotte, you're being crazy!

Oh, my God.

[Charlotte] Oh, excuse me!

-Are these your parents? -[argument continues]

Yes, that's my parents.

And then that's my little brother,

and my cousin, who also lives with us,

-because their... -[Charlotte] Bye!

-I just feel-- I-- -Her parents died.

-[Charlotte] Get out! -Whose parents died?

-[Chad] Fuck you, Charlotte! -My cousin.

Fuck you, Pat!

I'm sorry.

I am having a really hard time concentrating.

That's okay.

[Charlotte] Get the fuck out of my house!

I shouldn't have come tonight.

I feel like I started something really big.

Maybe you did.

I did?

[laughs]

Maybe you did.

[laughing]

[screams]

It's fine.

It's not fine.

This is my nightmare.

No. No. You're going to be okay.

I'm an auxiliary EMT.

Do you think maybe you should have some water?

-No. I have Miller Lite. -Oh.

It's mostly water.

[laughs] Yeah.

Well, again, I'm so sorry.

You know, you don't have to be sorry. We're good.

-No, I do feel terrible. -I just--

it's so weird to meet you in real life and be with you.

Your character, like, Pat,

was just part of my life for so long

in a pretty bad way, so it's just--

-Oh, God. -Look...

-People suck, right? -Yeah.

They do. I'm so sorry.

-I'm fine with it. -I'm not fine with it.

I feel terrible.

-I didn't mean it to be mean. -I know.

I think I was really naive.

I think it was-- but now I'm like, ugh.

Don't you mean...

[groans]

I think you mean... [groans]

[laughs] Oh, man!

Oh, no.

-[whimpers] -Oh, no.

It's more...

[coughs and hacks]

[laughs] Oh, God, that's so bad.

That's horrible.

[groaning]

Oh, God.

That's what it is.

[laughs]

[Julia] So I gave you my number.

I would really love to make you dinner.

I really, really--I mean it.

I can't even believe it. I will definitely...

maybe we, I don't know.

Well, I just want to say that good luck to you.

I have a very, very good feeling about the two of you.

-Oh, okay-- -I don't want to jinx it.

-Okay. -But I do.

I have a very, very good feeling about it.

Don't jinx it, Sweeney.

Well, I--yeah. That's--

it was good to meet you, though.

So can I offer you a ride?

-Oh. -No.

I think we're going to walk.

-Oh, okay. -We're going to walk.

Well, that's good, because I actually don't have a car.

-[laughs] Oh! -But my Lyft is here.

-Okay, all right. -[Abby] Okay, it was so nice.

-Bye-bye. -Bye!

[mouthing]

She was so nice.

[chuckles] I know.

I feel a little guilty

that I despised her for 25 years.

That is longer than I have been alive.

All right.

-[snickers] -That's just rude.

Thanks for walking me home. It's really far.

I appreciate it.

No, it is my honor to take you home.

Well, thank you, sir.

[both laugh]

[laughs] Oh.

This is actually me, so...

I had a really great time tonight.

I had so much fun. Thanks.

Could I come up to use the bathroom?

Yeah.

I'm going to need five minutes.

-You don't have-- -I'm gonna buzz you up.

-I'll buzz you up. -Oh, okay.

[door closes]

[quietly] Fuck!

Oh, mother...

Julia fucking Sweeney.

[door buzzes]

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi.

So the bathroom is right there on your left.

You know, I...

I actually don't need to use the bathroom anymore.

Oh, okay.

Let me get you water or a beer.

I have tequila. I prefer vodka.

That couch, actually, was my dead mother's.

And then there's a picture up there

that I think you'll really like.

It was when I went to Washington before hell started.

And then over here I had water...

I've lived here for a long time.

And I wonder--I'm sure I've met a lot of people in the Mafia.

You're not supposed to say that out loud,

but I just did.

Don't tell anybody.

You taste like almonds.

Yeah.

Did you just eat one of those almonds?

-Yeah. Is that a problem? -No, um...

It's only that every almond

is a day of my life, so...

you just ate a day of my life.

You're gonna have to explain that to me.

[sighs]

I really-- I don't think I can.

So...

Try me.

Okay.

There is a bitch at work,

and she knows I struggle with my weight.

And she went to Costco and came to work

with this big fucking jug of almonds.

And there was no subtext, right?

So I was like, "You know what? I'm going to give myself..."

["Song for Zula" by Phosphorescent plays]