Original subtitles

Uh... can-can I come in for a sec?

Yes. Sure.

Uh, I-I was gonna call you,

but then I thought I'd wake you, so I just, uh...

Well, this, uh, brings us here...

Me waking you up anyway.

- Yeah. - Is it o-okay

- if I just, uh, sit? Yeah? - Yes.

Good.

All right, so, uh...

Yeah, um...

Look, we've only known each other a couple days,

but I think there's something here.

And I'm pretty sure you feel it, too.

Yeah. I mean, no, I...

You got my head spinning.

I can't stop thinking about you.

But I'm dating your cousin.

I feel terrible about that. Um...

And I'm happy with him.

Because Marco's a great guy. Of course you like him.

All girls like him. Everyone likes him.

But that's still not the same thing

that's going on between us.

Yes,

maybe there's something here.

- But, Dan... - What? What?

You're a disaster.

- Well, I-I'm not a disaster. I... - Yes.

Every day since you've been home,

you've done something disastrous.

Well, it's been a rough week. But it's-it's hard to defend.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't date another disaster.

My last boyfriend was a drummer,

and the one before that had a food truck.

- So... - Okay.

I've obviously been flirting with you.

You have.

And I shouldn't have.

Look...

I have five days left here.

Let's see what this is.

I want to give it a shot with Marco.

- Look, Cora, no, you can't... - Dan.

Please.

Ugh.

Okay. Uh, thank you.

- _ - Yeah, I guess I'll talk to you later.

Thank you for having me.

I'll see you later.

Thank you for having me?

Oh, hey, lads.

- Hey. - Hey.

Mind if I join you?

I guess.

What are we watching?

Something with aliens.

- Are we married to that? - Nah.

- Nah. - The answer I was looking for.

Do you guys like World War II documentaries?

Yes, Monsignor. I'm bringing my A game.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

Girls, you are looking at tonight's

Midnight Mass... lector.

- Oh, my God! - Honey, you did it.

What is it... Ten years in the making?

15, and it took Steve Lombardo going down

with a tracheotomy, but it still feels sweet.

- What are you reading? - I am reading...

a little something from the book of...

Oh, boy.

"Ecclesi-ass-tuh."

"Ecclesi-at-ees." "Ecclesi-at-ees."

"Ecclesi-asum." I've-I've always

- had trouble with this one. - Yeah.

Hon, get out of your head, 'cause you got this.

Why would you say that to me now, okay?

They couldn't have picked, like, a Joshua or a, you know, Paul?

You know, I'm gonna take Leon for his walk.

Small reminder.

- What? - Just the family tonight.

No stragglers, no random addicts.

This is really important to me.

I heard you the first two times.

Come on, Leon Redbone.

You can do this.

- Come on. - No, you need...

You need the, uh, peanut butter pretzels.

I tried. He's getting pickier and pickier.

Yeah, it's 'cause he's...

slowly turning into a footstool.

- He can't see or taste anything. - It's getting sad.

Sad like it's getting to be that time, do you think?

What, 18 years? That's a good run for a lab.

You kidding me? Those are Chihuahua numbers.

I'll talk to your mom after New Year's.

- I'm going to bed. - No, you're not.

You're leaving for the shelter with your dad

- in 20. - I didn't sleep much last night.

I-I feel like the homeless will understand.

They're not super judgey people.

Yeah, I'm skipping that, too. Not in a great place.

- Oh, if everyone's bailing... - No.

No one is bailing, all right?

We have traditions in this house.

It's Christmas Eve.

You volunteer at St. Mary,

then I make a huge dinner, and then

we go to Midnight Mass.

We only did the St. Mary's thing, like, twice, and yes...

Meaningful... But if I'm being honest,

there were way too many people helping.

Yeah. Last year, the line to serve

the turkey was longer than the line to eat it.

All right, cool. So wake me up at 4:00

unless we could maybe push dinner to 5:00?

Everyone, stop it. You're going.

Mom, we're not kids anymore. You can't tell us what to do.

Your father has cancer.

- What? - Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

I-I shouldn't have told you like that.

I already knew.

He told me first,

but life isn't always a competition.

It's not about that right now.

- His prognosis is excellent. - Sean's right.

- He has the best doctors. - Yeah.

He's gonna be okay.

But that is why I wanted this Christmas to be special.

Hey.

I love you, Dad.

Oh.

You told 'em.

I-I did not. She did.

They weren't gonna go to the shelter.

How-how are you, Dad?

- Are you okay? - Stop it, okay?

I'm fine. I don't want you worrying about me.

I-I think I should just move back home for a while.

Listen, I don't want you putting your life on hold for me, okay?

Stay in New York. I'm not going anywhere. All right?

Honestly, things aren't so great for me over there anyway.

Yeah, that's 'cause you picked a stupid way to make a living.

Sorry. Listen.

You know I was a hellraiser in high school, right?

The M80 in typing class.

Not even close to my best work. I was a terror.

And at a certain point, the nuns gave me a choice.

They were like, "Listen, you can either be in the school play,

"or you're gonna be in detention

for the rest of your high school career."

- Okay? - Yeah, you were in Guys and Dolls,

and you were good and...

I was Sky Masterson, and I was incredible, okay?

I was so incredible, the nuns wanted me

to be the lead guy in every musical after that.

And then I went to work for your grandfather,

I meet your mother,

you know, I fell in love and lived happily ever after.

Now, in the back of my mind...

Not all the time, just every once in a while...

I think, what would have happened if I went to New York

and I chased that acting dream, you know?

- Really? - Yeah. I mean, probably nothing.

You know? But that's one of the things I'm most proud of

as a dad is, you get to go to New York and chase your dream.

- Oh. - No, don't be a wuss about it.

Come on. We're up.

Oh, he's gonna be fine.

I talked to one of my partners who works in medical malpractice.

She ran the numbers.

Dad's more likely to die in a car accident.

I know I've had more time to process this than you have.

- Okay. - I don't know why

- Dad told me first. - Sean, I don't care

- that Dad told you first. - You know,

he and I have this kind of emotional connection,

- so I get that. - All I care about is

that he's gonna be fine.

And he's gonna be fine.

You're so where I was two days ago.

No mashed potatoes?

Uh, sorry, ma'am,

- we just ran out. - Really?

- Yeah. - You know what, any mashed potatoes

back in the kitchen?

- 86 the mashed potatoes! - Ah. Sorry.

You want some brussels sprouts?

Is that a joke?

I wish it was.

I shouldn't have snapped.

It's just, this time of year,

it's the little things you look forward to.

- You have a right to mashed potatoes. - Right.

Yeah, but anger is just one letter away from danger.

Hey, are you guys in the program?

Yeah, we both are. That's how we met.

Give me a second. Give me a second.

Do you think maybe we could...

- just invite... - Mom said just family.

Right. Right. You know what,

I'm gonna go talk to the chef. It's Christmas.

Everybody deserves mashed potatoes, right?

I think it's my turn.

There's no more damn mashed potatoes!

- Hi, Mom. Smells lovely. - Hi!

- Shelter was great. - Hi, Mom.

- Thank you. - Mmm, mmm, mmm.

No, no, no, no, no. You're letting the heat out.

Oh, I'm just seeing what kind of crisp you got going on the skin.

Mm, well, back off.

You're not the only cook in the family.

- I know. - Honey, can you please

get rid of Stan's pie? I need the room in the fridge.

Honey, he poured his heart and soul into that thing.

Yeah, nobody wants it.

Do you know how old I was when Dad gave me the BB gun?

I think you were ten.

Which is on the young side for a firearm.

I guess there were some perks to his drinking.

Do you think, like, a...

mature seven-year-old could handle one?

- Absolutely not. No. - Oh!

Do you remember that time I shot Paul Ulibarri in the ass

with this thing? It got infected,

- but it was pretty funny. - Oh...

- Could you not? - You know, I just...

I want to get Elena's boys something.

They're good boys, you know?

They're really cool, and I just...

I feel like I could encourage

that, kind of, free-range male energy, you know?

Get them out of the house and destroying stuff.

You've had one date. Feels like a...

like a pretty strong parenting move.

Hey, here we go.

The ninja box.

Look at all this crap.

Ooh, remember these bad boys?

Yeah.

Ooh...!

Still got it.

Do you ever feel like you were meant to be born in feudal Japan?

Ecclesiastes.

- It's working. It's definitely working. - Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Okay. - I use it whenever I get stuck

on a hard word at trial.

- Okay. - A law professor turned me on to it.

- Ecclesiastes. - Right?

The physicalness of it

- really just helps. - Yeah.

Declaratory judgment.

Ecclesiastes.

- Declaratory judgment. - Ecclesiastes.

Declaratory judgment.

- "Ecclezeeya-stick." - Mm-mmm.

"Ecclezeeya-stick"? I mean...

I don't know what that is, but

- the goal is 30. - Okay.

30? I'm not gonna get to 30.

Roger and Mukta are here.

Plan on coming up?

Uh, we're doing some church stuff.

So, we're thinking of doing a home birth.

No, we're not.

People say it's life-altering.

I don't want to have the baby in our bathtub.

They bring a special birthing tub. It'll be beautiful.

And you'll be surrounded by all of our friends and family.

Well, not your whole family.

Sean, why is there a BB gun in here?

Why is it in here?

He's got a crush.

I was gonna wrap it, and then I got hungry.

Well, please move it before dinner.

- Thank you. - No promises.

Ann, how would you like to be the steward of our...

placenta?

Who is that?

Um, I wasn't gonna, um, say anything...

because I wanted to see if they showed up. Yeah.

Well, there was a mashed potato situation

at the shelter, and...

Heavenly Father,

thank you for these gifts you've given us and

this wonderful meal prepared for us

by my loving and kind and generous...

- Sean. - No, it's all true, honey.

I love you.

Amen. Let's eat.

Uh, Rachel and I

would like to thank you for inviting us into your home.

Last year at this time, I was incarcerated.

So we really, really appreciate it.

We're thrilled to have you.

Wouldn't be a Moody Christmas without you.

- Hear, hear! - That's right.

- Let's eat. - Yes.

Before we eat, I... I'd like to say something, too.

- What is this, a wedding? - Yeah, I'm really hungry.

- Let your brother talk. - I know I ruined caroling

and, uh, a few other things.

I've been caught up in my own stuff, but...

it's all over now. It's behind me.

Could've said that while we were eating.

I'm just really, really grateful to be with you guys.

- Aw. - Aw!

To family.

To family!

- Huh. - Seriously?

No, I didn't... I didn't invite anybody else.

But you know Big Stan...

Sometimes he hears what he wants to hear.

- Hey. I'm sorry to... - Hi, Marco.

- ... sorry to interrupt. - Is everything okay?

No.

- No, it's not. - What's wrong?

It's not. Hey, recognize this, Daniel?

- Oh, God. - What? What's going on?

Oh, he didn't tell you guys? He didn't tell you guys?

Go ahead, Dan. Fill everybody in, man. Go ahead.

Marco, can we not do this here?

- He made a play for Cora. - What?

Really? Your cousin's girlfriend?

You coveted, man. You coveted.

You're my best friend and you betrayed me.

Can-can we talk about this in private?

No. No, we're gonna settle this outside.

No, no, no, no, no. No, nobody's fighting.

I need this, Uncle Sean. I need this.

- Oh! - Stepped out... You stepped out!

That's my point. NCAA rules.

- I'm sorry. - That's not enough, man.

- That's not enough. - She chose you, man.

You already won.

Oh, no.

Your hands are ice-cold, man. I bet you wish

you had your mittens now, don't you?

Surprise move.

Why do you smell so good, man?

Ooh!

- And Malbec's down. - He was always a little weak

- to the left. - I know.

Three! Let's go! That's a pin!

You let me pin you just now, didn't you?

So that "W" has an asterisk on it. Wow.

Wow, that is very uncool, man.

I can't even look at you right now.

Marco, I'm sorry. You're my friend.

Things that are shattered

cannot then be unshattered again, Daniel.

Remember that, man.

Remember that.

You know, when I found out, uh, two days before everyone else,

I was somehow both an emotional roller coaster

- and on an emotional roller coaster. - Mm-hmm. Sean,

it's stage 1. He has a 91% survival rate.

He's gonna be totally fine.

Can I have my mass brownie, please?

Oh, indeed. Just, uh, be very careful.

I made them extra potent this year.

- Ooh. - So you might get really sad.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Yes, yes. There he is. - Okay.

I cannot put this day behind me fast enough.

Mittens. Let's just start there.

Mittens. I find it delightful

that you were done in by a hipster clue.

Uh, would you care

- for a mass brownie there, cool guy? - Please, yes.

Partake of them sacrament.

In the name of Bob Marley and Ziggy Marley.

- Just give it to me. - Beenie Man!

- Stop. - Father eedijat. Blop!

Uh, ar-are you sure that, uh,

we can't do the dishes for you?

Oh, no. Thank you.

I-I actually find it therapeutic.

Well, at least let us

take out the trash on our way out.

Oh, yeah, all right. Thank you.

Uh, through the mud room, behind the garage.

- Thank you. - Listen,

I get the feeling that you didn't have

the evening that you wanted.

- Oh... - And, um, I just want to say,

from where I'm sitting, uh,

you've got a great thing going.

My husband tell you to say that?

- I put it in my own words. - Yeah.

- Thank you. - Okay.

♪ Come and behold him ♪

♪ Born the king of angels ♪

♪ Oh, come let us adore him ♪

♪ Oh, come let us adore him ♪

♪ Oh, come let us adore him ♪

♪ Christ, the Lord ♪

Go ahead.

- Hurry up. - Okay.

Sit!

This is a reading from the Book of...

Ecclesiastes.

"Cast your bread upon the waters,

"for you will find it after many days.

"Give a portion to seven, and, yes, also to eight,

"for you know not what evil might happen upon the Earth.

"If the clouds are full of rain,

"then he who observes the clouds will not reap.

"As you do not know the way of the wind,

"you do not know the work of God.

"And that...

is the gord of the Lord."

Stop it.

Stop it.

- Stop it. - Amen.

The gord of the Lord.

Stop it.

And when I was in seventh grade I went to UN Camp,

and I got so homesick

that I pretended I had Lyme disease.

I looked up the symptoms and everything, um...

And I called my dad to come get me.

And he drove five hours

in the middle of the night.

Took me to a diner and we got pancakes.

I mean, he knew I was faking, and he didn't say anything.

And after breakfast, he said,

"Okay, are you ready to go back?"

And I said, "Yeah."

If he's not around...

who do I call?

I really want to recommend a cleanse

to help combat the side effects of the chemo,

but I know that's...

not what you need right now.

I'm not very good at this.

You actually are.

"And lo, the angel of the Lord

- "came upon them, - People are looking.

"and the glory shone around them:

"And the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold,

- "I bring you good tidings..." - Are you kidding me?

- Are you kidding me? - No, he almost made it. Just...

- People... - "For unto you is born this day

"in the city of David a Saviour,

- "who is Christ the Lord. - Get out. Get out. Get out.

" ... shall be a sign unto you;

"You shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes,

"lying in a manger.

"And suddenly there was with the angel

"a multitude of the heavenly host

"praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth..."

Oh, God.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

That's a pretty big glass, hon.

Yeah, not big enough.

- Uh, hey, guys? - What?

You might want to come in here.

What the hell?

Where-where are the Christmas presents?

Okay, what, is this some kind of joke?

Wait, do you think it has anything to do

with the people from the shelter?

Oh, you mean the felons that your dad invited to dinner.

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions, guys.

- They stole them. - Um...

They stole them when they took the trash out,

they left the side door unlocked.

They turned the dancing Santa on just to mock us.

Oh. Kind of a cool move.

Okay, I just want to remind all of us, okay,

that the spirit of Christmas is not about...

Be quiet, okay? I ask for so little.

All I wanted was my own bathroom and a white Christmas.

And, you know, that weather gal is so full of crap.

Guys, it's not the end of the world.

- It's just presents, right? - Yeah.

And Mom got us all down vests,

wh-which were very practical and very thoughtful, Mom.

You know, you're right.

I mean, why even give presents?

You know, why even have Christmas at all?

And if nobody cares about the traditions

in this family, then I don't either.

- Mom. - No.

- It's not that. No, it's, it's... - Hon.

Hey, look... Okay? Okay, let's not go crazy.

We still have, uh, we still have Bridget's presents.

- Right. - And she never puts them

- out till Christmas morning. - Right. Honey.

- Not this year. Not this year. - What?

What the hell? Why?

What about the ones on my list?

Specifically, the expensive headphones.

- Did you-did you put-put those out? - I only put them out Christmas morning,

because that's when Doug and I come over,

but since I was already here...

- Why did you cheat on Doug?! - Okay.

Could we not make this about that, please?

Holy Moses!

I just wanted to have...

a nice Christmas,

- and you all ruined it. - Mom!

- Honey. Honey... - I'm done!

I'm out!

Christmas is canceled.

Hon...

Hey, guys, look.

It's starting to snow.

Oh, it is, too.

- Oh, wow. - Should we tell Mom

that we're gonna have a white Christmas?

Uh... No, I think we should give her some time.

Fair.

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