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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,086
-(lively chatter)
-MIDGE: Nah. Now, seriously,
2
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,764
there's no fucking way
that Penny Pann
3
00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:14,564
can compete with these tits!
4
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,558
(laughter)
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,230
-Do you love it?
-LENNY: Do I love what?
6
00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:20,600
Comedy.
7
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,436
Stand-up. Do you love it?
8
00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:23,981
Seriously?
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,697
Well, I've been doing it
a while.
10
00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,821
Okay, let's put it like this.
11
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,776
If there was anything else
in the entire world
12
00:00:33,826 --> 00:00:36,196
that I could possibly do
to earn a living, I would.
13
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,655
Anything. I'm talking
dry cleaners to the Klan,
14
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,996
crippled-kid portrait painter,
slaughterhouse attendant.
15
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:44,381
If someone said to me, "Leonard,
you can either eat a guy's head
16
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:45,840
or do two weeks at the Copa,"
17
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,970
I'd say,
"Pass the fucking salt."
18
00:00:49,008 --> 00:00:50,968
It's a terrible, terrible job.
19
00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:52,510
It should not exist.
20
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,223
Like cancer and God.
21
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:56,564
HONEY:
Sorry.
22
00:00:56,599 --> 00:00:58,389
I went
to the Varick station instead.
23
00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:01,024
-Why the hell would you do that?
-'Cause you like Varick better.
24
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,611
Jesus, Honey,
you don't get to pick.
25
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,476
But do you love it?
26
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,329
(quietly):
Yeah. He loves it.
27
00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:25,628
Excuse me. Do I need a receipt
for the bail money, or...
28
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:28,379
And next up
in a night full of triumphs,
29
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,382
uh, Honey forgot to tell the
cabdriver to turn the meter off.
30
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:34,345
He's up to 20 bucks
and refuses to get paid in weed,
31
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:38,056
-so I was wondering if maybe
you... -Of course. Here.
32
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,598
-Put it on my tab?
-Sure.
33
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:41,732
Oh, and, hey, if you need
any help finding a lawyer,
34
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,439
I've got a drawer full of cards.
35
00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,769
-Just don't tell anyone
you know where I am. -Lawyer?
36
00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,225
-Receipt.
-What? Oh.
37
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,194
Wha... What did you mean
"lawyer"?
38
00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:51,856
Wait, wh-what about a lawyer?
39
00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,074
-Hold on. -You said if
I need help finding a lawyer.
40
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,784
Why do I need help
finding a lawyer?
41
00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:57,655
You got arrested, arrested
means court, court means lawyer.
42
00:01:57,701 --> 00:02:00,251
-But why do I need a lawyer?
I got bailed out. -So?
43
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,867
-On the night I was arrested.
-So?
44
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,084
-I didn't sleep there.
-Where is this going?
45
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,544
I got bailed out
on the night I got arrested.
46
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,924
It's almost like
it didn't even happen.
47
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,751
-But it did happen.
-But very quickly.
48
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,216
My advice: be your own lawyer.
49
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,677
-It's ticking.
-I should...
50
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,426
-Uh, wait.
-Yes?
51
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,798
What?
52
00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,135
I...
53
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,849
You...?
54
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,179
I-I don't know what to do.
55
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,596
Well, it's morning.
56
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,475
Go have breakfast.
57
00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,322
Lenny, for Christ's sake,
I'm dying here.
58
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:31,687
Yes, sitting in the cab
must be harrowing.
59
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,735
(band playing lively intro)
60
00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,950
(The Barry Sisters'
"Vyoch Tyoch Tyoch" playing)
61
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,590
(man urinating,
woman shouting indistinctly)
62
00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:02,179
WOMAN: Stop throwing it out the
window and put it in the trash.
63
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:06,647
(barking)
64
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,357
See, even the dog
is upset about it.
65
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,397
♪ ♪
66
00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:31,671
-MIDGE: No.
-JOEL: You tackled her.
67
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,512
A nudge. A gentle nudge.
68
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,837
You took her down like she had
the ball at the ten-yard line.
69
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,643
I simply felt
it went to the wrong person.
70
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,756
She'd waste it.
And this is a very nice bouquet.
71
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,933
-Her ears are still ringing.
-It has gardenias in it.
72
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,812
Brutal. My wife is brutal.
73
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,439
It was perfect, wasn't it?
74
00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,557
Yeah. Perfect.
75
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,404
(giggles)
Perfect wedding,
76
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,189
perfect breakfast, perfect life.
77
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,783
-So...
-Hmm?
78
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,448
-Last chance.
-For what?
79
00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:58,027
We could still get that
apartment around the corner.
80
00:03:58,072 --> 00:03:59,702
-Joel...
-We could eat here every day.
81
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,870
-I know.
-We could be downtown people.
82
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,539
Close to the clubs, the park.
83
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,907
-You love the park.
-Riverside's a park, too.
84
00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,365
I thought you wanted
to be a cool chick.
85
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,004
I can be a cool chick
with a doorman
86
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,961
and a Kelvinator Foodarama
refrigerator, can't I?
87
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,461
Yes, you can.
88
00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:13,713
I really love that apartment.
89
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,134
I grew up in that building.
90
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,672
My parents are so close.
91
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,125
-Very close.
-When we have kids,
92
00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,005
we can just go upstairs,
drop them off,
93
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,972
go downtown,
and be cool cats by night.
94
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,352
We can have it all.
95
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:24,929
I'm not gonna say no to you.
96
00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,934
Not after I saw
what you're capable of.
97
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,477
-You love me, Joel?
-Rochester probably loved
98
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,521
that first wife of his,
and then she went nuts
99
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,694
and burned the house down.
100
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,152
Do you?
101
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:37,612
I do.
102
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,493
(whispers):
Meet me in the bathroom.
103
00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,242
-What?
-Two-minute head start.
104
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,163
A-Are you kidding me?
You're in a wedding dress.
105
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,622
Excuse me. Where's the ladies'?
106
00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,662
Thanks. Clock starts now.
107
00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,116
Who are you?
108
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,825
I thought I married a nice girl.
109
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,665
Oh, you did not.
110
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,509
(piano plays intro
to "Dance Only with Me")
111
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:26,989
♪ Dance, dance ♪
112
00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:30,366
♪ Only with me... ♪
113
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,325
You alone?
114
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,339
Yes.
115
00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:45,554
♪ Love, love ♪
116
00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:48,596
♪ Love only me ♪
117
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:55,191
♪ Till all our sweet ♪
118
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:58,110
♪ Music ♪
119
00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:01,280
♪ Is gone. ♪
120
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,453
♪ ♪
121
00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,703
(indistinct chatter)
122
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,786
-Oh.
-(whispering): Joel left you.
123
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,093
I know. I was there.
How do you know?
124
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,707
He's at my house right now.
125
00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,964
What?
126
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,295
-Imo...
-Shh.
127
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,340
-Ow. My arm. Ow.
-Shh. Shh.
128
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,303
Joel showed up at our house
with this tiny girl suitcase,
129
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:26,724
and he and Archie went
into Archie's office
130
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:28,432
and shut the door,
and all I could hear was
131
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,352
"bowling" and "pandas"--
did you fight about bowling?
132
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,100
-No.
-Was there a panda?
133
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,482
-No. -Well, maybe it
wasn't pandas, but it had a "P."
134
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,400
Joel left me for his secretary.
135
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:37,768
What?
136
00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:40,065
-Penny Pann.
-Pann like panda.
137
00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,149
-Pann like panda.
-Oh, my God.
138
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:46,284
(claps)
Ladies, take your place.
139
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,833
-(whispering): His secretary?
-His idiot secretary.
140
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,447
-Wouldn't be better if she
was smart. -Actually it would.
141
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,745
CLAIRE:
Everyone, arms to the sky.
142
00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:56,169
-♪ ♪
-Rag doll down.
143
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,918
Shake it out.
144
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,300
His secretary. How unoriginal.
145
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,589
Unoriginality is
kind of his thing lately.
146
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,723
CLAIRE:
Rag doll up.
147
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,929
Grab your Lythe-lines.
148
00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,391
It's always those girls.
149
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,850
-What girls?
-Those shorthand girls.
150
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:15,441
Girls who go to secretarial
school and learn shorthand,
151
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,477
and that gives them entre
to our husbands.
152
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,611
And once they have
entre to our husbands,
153
00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:21,728
our husbands entre
right into them.
154
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,525
Shorthand girls.
155
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,239
I could have been
a shorthand girl.
156
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,659
I could have gone out into
the workforce with my shorthand,
157
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,158
but I didn't-- I got married.
158
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,409
I did it the right way.
159
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,200
-Longhand.
-That's right.
160
00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:35,334
The worst part is,
I didn't suspect a thing.
161
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:37,752
I just thought
we were a great couple.
162
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,711
I did, too.
163
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,711
I told Archie constantly,
"Midge and Joel,
164
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,553
they are a great couple."
165
00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,589
CLAIRE:
Grab your bottles.
166
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:53,139
Hey, stop working so hard.
167
00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:56,272
-Why? -You're starting
to look like them.
168
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,940
♪ ♪
169
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,939
-The divorcees?
-Do not forget,
170
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,941
we do this
so we can eat cheesecake.
171
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,993
They do this because
they need to find new men,
172
00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:07,197
or at least look trim for the
coroner after they die alone.
173
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,857
Is that Martha Kilgallin?
174
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,406
-When did she join "the corner"?
-Last week.
175
00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:12,830
Richard went straight
to a lawyer's office
176
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,658
with his suitcase
and his portable bar,
177
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,873
and just like that,
three became four.
178
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,044
Now five.
179
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:19,831
Who knows besides me?
180
00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:22,955
My parents.
Joel, Archie.
181
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,713
Well, we won't tell.
182
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,375
People will find out,
eventually.
183
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,883
I should just come out with it
and tell everyone
184
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,216
and get it over with.
185
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,800
All right,
let's think this through.
186
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,346
If you do tell people,
then at least
187
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:35,389
you could control
the narrative.
188
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,852
You know what I mean--
189
00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,602
frame yourself
in the best light.
190
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,734
Done right, maybe you just get
pushed back a row or two,
191
00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,191
not all the way
into "the corner."
192
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:43,441
Maybe.
193
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,192
Unless you think Joel is
coming back.
194
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:46,784
'Cause if you think he's coming
back, then it's better
195
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,358
you don't tell anybody,
because then he'll be back,
196
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,993
and no one will have
known he left.
197
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,870
But if you tell them he left,
and then he comes back,
198
00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:53,777
you'll still be the person that
he left, only now he's back.
199
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,035
But they'll know
that you were left,
200
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,447
even though
you aren't left now.
201
00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:57,575
And I don't know what corner
of the room
202
00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:58,871
you stand in to be that person.
203
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,384
CLAIRE:
All right, ladies, crab walk.
204
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,642
♪ ♪
205
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:14,845
♪ Ain't what you do ♪
206
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,468
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
207
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:17,765
♪ Ain't what you do ♪
208
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,388
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
209
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,814
♪ Ain't what you do ♪
210
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,852
♪ It's the way
that you do it... ♪
211
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,476
-Hey, Joel.
-Hey, morning, Tony.
212
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:26,694
♪ Ain't what you do ♪
213
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,193
♪ It's the time
that you do it ♪
214
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,485
-♪ Ain't what you do ♪
-(horn honking)
215
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,148
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
216
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,406
♪ Ain't what you do ♪
217
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,197
♪ It's the time
that you do it ♪
218
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,991
♪ That's what gets results ♪
219
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,664
-♪ Oh... ♪
-♪ You can try hard ♪
220
00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:40,414
♪ Don't mean a thing ♪
221
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,245
♪ Don't mean
a thing ♪
222
00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:44,381
♪ Take it easy ♪
223
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,248
♪ Please say it ♪
224
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,005
♪ Then your jive will swing ♪
225
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,006
♪ Oh, it ain't what you do ♪
226
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,718
♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪
227
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,678
♪ That's what gets results ♪
228
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,719
♪ ♪
229
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,025
♪ ♪
230
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,616
Moishe.
231
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:20,576
MOISHE:
That's a handprint, Jimmy.
232
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,580
-Oh, Mr. Maisel... -Right there,
right on the jacket.
233
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,502
-A handprint. Not my handprint.
-I know.
234
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,631
But it is my jacket,
which is now ruined
235
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,588
-because right there, left hand,
clear as day. -I'll find out...
236
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,508
I want you to find out
whose goddamn handprint that is,
237
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,588
and you bring him to me.
Yes? Good? Great.
238
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,223
Uh, good work, ladies.
239
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,220
-Keep 'em hum, hum,
humming along. -Pop?
240
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,102
Love to hear the sound
♪ of the machines. ♪
241
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,599
-You don't look sick.
-Pop?
242
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,140
Miraculous recovery?
243
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,944
Modern science score
another knockout?
244
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,847
-I'm not sick.
-That's not what I heard.
245
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:47,476
-I heard you were sick.
-MAN: Pin.
246
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,862
-WOMAN: Ow!
-MAN: Quiet.
247
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:50,399
Mother-in-law called
an hour ago,
248
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,402
said everyone in the family
is sick. Everyone.
249
00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,204
What the hell are you doing?
250
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:56,777
I said halter.
That's a sweetheart.
251
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,583
-Halter! Halter! Halter!
-Sorry, Mr. Maisel.
252
00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:02,748
Your mother-in-law called and
said the whole family is so ill
253
00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:04,658
that break fast is canceled.
254
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:08,206
So ill, the holiest
of holy days cannot happen.
255
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,551
If it's so holy, why do you keep
the factory open?
256
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,587
-You want a smack in the face?
-I'm just saying.
257
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:14,051
Those people get paid
by the piece.
258
00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,931
You want to take a day's work
away from them?
259
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:18,637
-God wants them to go hungry
because I shut my doors? -Fine.
260
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,638
Half of those people out there
are gentiles.
261
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,720
You go explain Yom Kippur
to a gentile.
262
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,846
"We're happy,
but we're starving.
263
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,853
It's New Year's,
but we're guilty."
264
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,435
Sounding like a nonbeliever,
Pop.
265
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,440
No, I'm not a nonbeliever.
I am a believer.
266
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,612
I believe that everything I have
is because of Him.
267
00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:35,902
And these, which he gave me.
268
00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:37,656
-It's Abe, right?
-What?
269
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,317
-Abe canceled dinner?
-No.
270
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,616
-Abe's a nonbeliever?
-Abe did not cancel dinner.
271
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,250
That schmuck cancels the dinner.
272
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,326
-A holy dinner, he cancels.
-It's not Abe.
273
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,502
Your mother's very upset.
Does Abe know that?
274
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,421
-It's not Abe. -Yom Kippur is
a very big deal for your mother.
275
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,170
There's kugel,
she sees the kids.
276
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,552
-Yeah, I know. -You think
that happens every day?
277
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,918
You think every day
there's kugel and kids?
278
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,625
-If you'd just...
-Ooh, there was crying.
279
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,295
So much crying.
280
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,183
A good 40 to 50 minutes
of crying.
281
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,390
And finally, I said,
"Shirley, if Abe doesn't
282
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,971
want us at his house,
what are we gonna do?!"
283
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:07,185
Pop! Please, just stop talking.
284
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,313
I'm not talking.
285
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,653
You're not talking, either.
286
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,700
Quiet's nice sometimes.
287
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,368
I have to tell you something.
288
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,406
Okay.
289
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,411
Midge and I are splitting up.
290
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,365
That's why dinner was canceled.
291
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,375
We split up... last night.
292
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,245
What's her name?
293
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:34,665
-Who?
-The girl.
294
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,473
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
-Trixie, Dixie...
295
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,466
-It's not like that.
-No?
296
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:39,928
No! No. It didn't work.
297
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,338
It's nobody's fault.
298
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,966
Sometimes these things happen,
okay?
299
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,273
People with the best
of intentions just grow apart.
300
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:48,307
That's all.
Just wanted you to know.
301
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,601
That you and Midge split up?
302
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:50,984
-Yes.
-Okay. Sorry to hear it.
303
00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:52,521
I always liked Midge.
304
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,234
Just not the one, huh?
305
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,154
(Moishe laughs sarcastically)
306
00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:58,203
That's gonna be a hell
of a phone call to your mother.
307
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,946
I'll do it when I get home.
308
00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:02,738
Home? Okay. You'll call
your mother when you get home
309
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,662
and let her know
your marriage is over.
310
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,001
That'll be terrific. Hey!
311
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,287
Don't bother calling
your mother. I'll tell her.
312
00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:11,831
That roll of pink tulle you're
dragging across the ground--
313
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,375
it's French.
314
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,878
Do you know what else is French?
The guillotine!
315
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,261
Turn your back for one minute,
316
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,127
everybody's the village idiot.
317
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,215
Well, at least
Abe's gonna be happy.
318
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,930
-What are you talking about?
-He never thought much of you.
319
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,350
-That's not true.
-No?
320
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,888
Okay. My mistake.
321
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,432
Put it down!
322
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,765
Put it...
Let me see your hand.
323
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,099
Up in the air--
left hand right now!
324
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:35,939
Morning, Professor.
325
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,654
Good morning,
Professor Weissman.
326
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,580
There it is.
327
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,752
Study it.
328
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:57,841
Now, this matrix is composed
of two row vectors--
329
00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,629
v-one and v-two,
but the rank is only one.
330
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,514
Can anyone tell me why?
331
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,465
No. No.
332
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,102
No. No. Truman?
333
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,389
Because once it's reduced
to echelon form,
334
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,273
there's only one
independent vector.
335
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:16,770
Correct. Now, can anyone tell me
the nullity of this matrix?
336
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:21,903
No. No. No. No.
337
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,985
-Truman?
-Unbelievable.
338
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:28,240
I'm sorry.
Do you have something to say?
339
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,695
You never call on me.
You never call on anyone.
340
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,155
You only ever call on Truman.
341
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,285
Truman knows the answers.
342
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,332
Truman always knows the answers.
343
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,626
Yes, but we could know
the answers.
344
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:40,169
Really? Did you?
345
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,883
No.
346
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,804
-Did you know the answer?
-No.
347
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,854
No? Did you know the answer?
348
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,387
-No.
-No.
349
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,851
So none of you knew the answer.
350
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,771
-ALL: No.
-But Truman.
351
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,850
But we could have known
the answer. That's the point.
352
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,855
Could have?
353
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,397
Could have. Charlie...
354
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:05,032
-Lance. -Could have doesn't
count. Maybe doesn't count.
355
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,451
"I took a shot" doesn't count.
356
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:10,490
Because this room is a sanctuary
357
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:13,115
from the variables
in the outside world.
358
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:16,673
In this room,
we deal with absolutes.
359
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,628
Period.
360
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,498
In this room...
361
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,915
this is what counts.
362
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:27,641
These two vectors are collinear.
363
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:31,177
They go... together.
364
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,892
And they will always
go together.
365
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,443
This is the solemn vow
made by mathematics.
366
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:41,899
In this room, v-two is never
going to break that vow
367
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,401
and decide that it doesn't need
the other vector anymore,
368
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,414
that it's gonna run off
and become linearly independent.
369
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,197
V-two is never going
to come home from work one day
370
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:52,951
and tell v-one,
"You know what?
371
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,294
"I think
I need my own vector space.
372
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,631
See ya."
373
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,957
And then v-one's dad has
to come in and tell her, "No,
374
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,843
"you can't let v-two do that.
375
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,680
You-you got
to go get v-two back,"
376
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,336
an impermanent solution,
377
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:12,885
because v-one's dad is not
gonna be around forever
378
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:16,851
to solve all
of v-one's problems.
379
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,813
(chalk writing on board)
380
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,113
Write that down.
381
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:33,661
♪ Daisy is darling,
Iris is sweet ♪
382
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:37,752
♪ Lily is lovely,
Blossom's a treat ♪
383
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:40,959
♪ Of all the sweethearts ♪
384
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,130
♪ A guy could meet ♪
385
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:47,759
♪ Well, I finally chose
an American beauty rose ♪
386
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,255
♪ Laurel will hug you ♪
387
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:53,102
♪ Orchid's divine ♪
388
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:57,348
♪ Still I finally chose
an American beauty rose. ♪
389
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,267
And just like that, Joel left,
in the middle of the night,
390
00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:05,404
-like a cat burglar.
-DRINA: God, that's terrible.
391
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:06,992
I'm so surprised. He seemed
392
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,236
so crazy about Midge.
You want sugar today?
393
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,909
No. Maybe a lump.
394
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,487
-Two lumps.
-I put in three.
395
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,412
It's a stressful time.
396
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,161
-Drink.
-Mm.
397
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,997
How is poor Miriam?
398
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,789
Oh, who can tell with her?
399
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,883
You know,
maybe I sensed something.
400
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,548
But just last week, I told her
to get pregnant again.
401
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,258
Hmm. Too hot.
402
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,588
I told her, "Three before 30."
That was my mistake.
403
00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,593
I waited too long
between Miriam and Noah.
404
00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:35,135
-I could only fit in two. -You
need to drink the tea, honey.
405
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,560
But Miriam is Miriam.
406
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,348
She wanted to play
and run around
407
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,141
dressed in black
like a Fellini film.
408
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,976
It's fine now.
409
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,691
There's beer
in her refrigerator.
410
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,571
-Oh, dear.
-Joel thinks she's frivolous.
411
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,818
-That's why he left.
-She's always been her own girl.
412
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,450
-Mm. -Do you remember when
she wanted to learn to drive?
413
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,448
Because she found
pink driving gloves.
414
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,410
Everything with Midge starts
with an accessory.
415
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,080
How's Abe taking all this?
416
00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,998
Abe got up this morning
and went to work.
417
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,707
The world could be ending,
and he'd get up and go to work.
418
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,958
And if Columbia University fell
into the ocean,
419
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,250
he'd work from home.
420
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:10,014
-Here.
-Does the rabbi know?
421
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,548
-What? No. God, no.
-Good.
422
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,051
-Can you imagine?
-I don't want to.
423
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,473
We're all sick.
That's what he knows.
424
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,182
Very, very sick.
You did not see me today.
425
00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:19,932
Who am I talking to?
No one. I'm alone here.
426
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:22,604
Okay, let's take a look at this.
427
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:24,404
I failed her.
I failed her somehow.
428
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,897
My whole family,
everyone's married.
429
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,819
Abe's family,
everyone's married.
430
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,437
I should've sent her to Paris.
My mother sent me to Paris.
431
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,275
Paris is wonderful,
but it's good Midge didn't go.
432
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,071
There was danger for her there.
433
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,334
-Too much bread.
-Yes.
434
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,077
Okay, let's see.
435
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,948
I just need
to know whether or not
436
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,745
this separation is actually
going to happen.
437
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,499
-I see a hammer.
-Is a hammer good?
438
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,081
It is if you want
to hang a picture.
439
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,995
Please, Drina...
440
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:51,054
A hammer means triumph.
You will triumph.
441
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:57,009
And the leaves say this journey
will end in peace and happiness.
442
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,763
Triumph? Peace and happiness?
You're sure?
443
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,306
-You're doubting the leaves?
-No. Never.
444
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,520
Okay, you're still nervous.
Drina knows this.
445
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,101
I'll tell you what.
446
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,395
I'll throw in a charm.
Put this
447
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:11,649
under Miriam's pillow
for a week.
448
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,243
It'll help the luck stick.
449
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,898
My God, what is that smell?
450
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,276
Tannis root.
Just tell Miriam
451
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,532
a rat died
in the wall or something.
452
00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,615
-Thank you, Drina.
-Don't worry.
453
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,750
Miriam will land on her feet.
454
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,537
Take it from me.
455
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,957
Hmm? Are you paying
by check today?
456
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,008
ANTONIO: Hey, Mrs. Maisel!
Hold on a sec!
457
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,090
-What's wrong? -Some guy showed
up here looking for you.
458
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,676
I asked him to wait down here,
but he pushed right past.
459
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,392
-Almost bit me.
-Oh, no.
460
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,562
-Hey, I'm calling the cops
right now. -Don't call the cops.
461
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,311
Everything's fine!
462
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,982
-Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.
-Good morning.
463
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,943
(elevator bell dings)
464
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,364
I'm sorry.
465
00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,702
-Are you fucking kidding me?
-I know.
466
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,447
-I know.
-9:30.
467
00:19:57,488 --> 00:19:59,778
I got up at 9:30.
In the morning.
468
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,784
You know the last time I was up
at 9:30 in the morning?
469
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,196
It was the last time
I stayed out all night
470
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,874
and got home at 9:30
in the morning.
471
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,213
That is the last time I was up
at 9:30 in the morning.
472
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,628
I'm sorry. It was a rough night.
473
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,376
Hey, you came to me, okay?
474
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,918
You know, I-I didn't ask you
to bang on my door.
475
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,171
I didn't even tell you
where my door was.
476
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,712
You figured out where it was
477
00:20:14,756 --> 00:20:16,376
and then you came there
and then you banged on it
478
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,054
-of your own free will.
-I forgot.
479
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,802
Oh, much better.
480
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,804
It is so much better
that you just forgot.
481
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,386
You know, my fear
was that you remembered
482
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,221
and chose not to meet me.
483
00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,806
But now that I know I literally
didn't even enter into y...
484
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,812
Wh-Where the hell are we? What
is this, fucking Versailles?
485
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,065
It's my apartment.
486
00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:33,436
Your table is set for 30.
487
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,983
Who has cutlery for 30?
488
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,646
Jesus Christ,
what is this, a landing strip?
489
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,355
Where is your airplane,
in the bathroom?
490
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,365
I had no idea you were such
an important person.
491
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,697
If I had realized that the queen
of England had stood me up,
492
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,543
I would have understood.
But I just thought
493
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,368
you were some drunk housewife
who needed my help.
494
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:51,713
I had no idea you were related
to fucking Charlemagne.
495
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,381
'Cause if Catherine the Great
had shown up and said,
496
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,209
"Hey, let's meet at 10:00," I
probably wouldn't have expected
497
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,224
her to show up either. But you
have to tell people who you are.
498
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,967
'Cause if all they have to go on
is the fact
499
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:01,799
that you make appointments
and then forget about them,
500
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,554
they're just gonna think
you're a stuck-up twat.
501
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,056
It's an easy mistake to make.
502
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,808
I almost made that same mistake.
503
00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,059
But then I saw your dining room
was set for Parliament...
504
00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,062
What the... What is this,
505
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:14,154
a backup place in case you get
bored with the other one?
506
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,900
What the hell is going on here?
507
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,242
-They've already eaten,
Miss Miriam. -Thank you, Zelda.
508
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,067
Hey, Zelda, have you seen
the place downstairs?
509
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,913
-It will blow your mind.
-Hi, lady.
510
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,238
What? Where are we going?
511
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,622
Why am I touching this child?
512
00:21:24,659 --> 00:21:26,289
-Why is this child touching me?
-Hi, lady.
513
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:28,617
Why is his hand sticky?
Why is your hand sticky?
514
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:32,423
Where has his hand been that
it is now currently very sticky?
515
00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:33,958
(elevator bell dings)
516
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:36,342
-Hi, lady. -Why am I
still holding this child?
517
00:21:36,379 --> 00:21:38,009
He can't find his way home
from here?
518
00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:39,877
I made it home just fine
when my mother forgot me
519
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:41,304
at the Armistice Day Parade.
520
00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:43,142
An old soldier with one arm
gave me a nickel
521
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:45,137
and I took the bus home.
Oh, you're welcome!
522
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,769
Real polite kid you got there.
Good job.
523
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,177
Would you like some iced tea?
524
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,765
Hmm. Do I want some iced tea?
525
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,400
Let me think. Fuck you.
526
00:21:52,437 --> 00:21:55,057
No, I do not want any iced tea.
527
00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:57,066
(scoffs)
First, you stand me up.
528
00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:59,738
Then you Bataan Death March me
through Buckingham Palace.
529
00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:01,487
You make me hold
your kid's filthy hand,
530
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:03,279
which means I probably got
14 different kinds of cholera
531
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,282
-right now. -Sit down.
I'll get us some iced tea.
532
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,544
Sit where? Here? What, on this?
Are you kidding me?
533
00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:08,867
I'm not sitting in here.
534
00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:10,201
This is not furniture
for sitting!
535
00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:11,616
This is furniture
you get appraised
536
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:12,964
when a rich uncle dies.
537
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,539
You really should put plastic
538
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,344
-over all of this.
-It's fine.
539
00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:18,247
Are those two
really your children
540
00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:20,586
or did we just break in
and kidnap a couple kids?
541
00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:23,261
-Of course they're mine.
-Well, just making sure.
542
00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:25,261
I mean, when you fraternize
with an ex-con...
543
00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:27,853
Hey, did you know that I have
to get a lawyer and go to court?
544
00:22:27,889 --> 00:22:30,849
-Yes. -Even though I got bailed
out on the night I got arrested.
545
00:22:30,892 --> 00:22:32,692
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
546
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:35,187
-So it's not a thing?
-No, it's not a thing.
547
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:37,149
Why do I have it in my head
that it's a thing?
548
00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:39,980
I don't know, lady. Maybe
it's all that royal inbreeding.
549
00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:42,316
-This is not that fancy
of an apartment. -(chuckles)
550
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,741
It's just ridiculous. That
whole getting arrested thing.
551
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:46,411
So I said some bad words.
552
00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:47,909
Well, and you flashed the room.
553
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,160
What?
554
00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:50,412
You flashed the room.
555
00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:51,663
You pulled your top down.
556
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:53,664
-Oh, I did not.
-You did, too.
557
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:55,666
You hit a switch
and out they came.
558
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,248
-That's ridiculous.
-"Soup's on, boys!"
559
00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:59,253
-If I did that, I'd remember.
-Mm.
560
00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,415
-Cake?
-No, I do not want cake.
561
00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:03,514
You know what, I would like
to know what I am doing...
562
00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:04,589
Oh, wow.
563
00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:06,344
That-that is an adorable cake.
564
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:07,885
I'm sorry about today.
565
00:23:07,929 --> 00:23:09,219
I really am.
566
00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:10,813
Okay.
567
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:13,138
Let's just forget
about this morning, okay?
568
00:23:13,184 --> 00:23:15,604
I'm here. We can start now.
569
00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:16,845
You have any paper? Pen?
570
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,356
Maybe parchment and a quill?
571
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,728
-Why? -So I can write down
some stuff for you
572
00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:22,355
-to talk about onstage.
-No, no, no.
573
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:23,781
Look, I'm-I'm sorry
about this morning,
574
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:25,360
but that woman last night,
575
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:26,614
she was not me.
576
00:23:26,656 --> 00:23:28,526
This is me. I am me.
577
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:30,244
-Uh-huh. -I'm the woman
who's gonna be standing
578
00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:32,254
in the corner
next to Martha Kilgallin,
579
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,536
-desperate and sweating
like a pig. -There are two Ls
580
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,620
-in "Kilgallin"? -I'm the woman
who's gonna get elbowed
581
00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,456
out of the way at the butcher
shop so that other women
582
00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,381
can get the best lamb chops.
Other women who have husbands
583
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:43,129
to shop for. Nobody cares if
you're ordering steak for one.
584
00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:45,552
That-That's me. That's
the real me we're dealing with.
585
00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:48,641
And she's not fun.
She's sad and embarrassed
586
00:23:48,678 --> 00:23:50,298
and poten... What are you doing?
587
00:23:50,346 --> 00:23:51,676
I'm making notes.
This is great stuff.
588
00:23:51,722 --> 00:23:53,102
This is not great stuff.
589
00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:55,431
This is my life falling apart.
590
00:23:55,476 --> 00:23:57,646
My husband left me.
Do you understand that?
591
00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,227
He left me, left my children.
You've met my children.
592
00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:02,193
I did. One of 'em gave me
bubonic plague.
593
00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:04,193
It was jelly, goddamn it.
Children get jelly
594
00:24:04,235 --> 00:24:06,315
-on their hands.
-Okay. Relax.
595
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:08,492
The woman who showed up at that
club and said those crazy things
596
00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:09,741
was in a state.
597
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,952
A manic emotional state.
598
00:24:11,993 --> 00:24:13,413
Bullshit. You loved it.
599
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:16,502
Yes! For a moment
it-it was glorious, okay?
600
00:24:16,539 --> 00:24:18,579
F-For one moment,
I said and did things
601
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:20,594
that I've never done
or said before.
602
00:24:20,626 --> 00:24:22,666
But-but that is all
a complete blur to me now.
603
00:24:22,712 --> 00:24:24,922
I don't know how I got there.
604
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,424
I wouldn't know
how to get there again.
605
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,085
And I'm not gonna try.
Do you understand?
606
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:31,506
Yeah.
607
00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,854
I understand.
608
00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:35,930
Made me come all the way
to the Upper West Side.
609
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,725
Didn't even have
a doctor's appointment.
610
00:24:37,768 --> 00:24:38,808
Wait.
611
00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:55,409
For the bail.
612
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,500
See ya.
613
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,181
(sighs)
614
00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,063
Not too many fatty pieces.
It's all he'll eat.
615
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,481
Yes, Mrs. Weissman.
616
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,099
The rest can be leftovers
for tomorrow.
617
00:25:22,146 --> 00:25:23,516
(phone rings)
618
00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:26,534
Abe! Dinner's on the table!
619
00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:28,027
Hello?
620
00:25:28,069 --> 00:25:30,109
Rosie? Oh, my God,
Rosie, is that you?
621
00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,534
Yes, it's me, Shirley.
622
00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:33,282
Rosie, I'm beside myself.
623
00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:35,454
I feel like a building
just fell on my head.
624
00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:37,083
A block. A whole block.
625
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,409
I feel like 34th
between Sixth and Seventh
626
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,665
just fell right on my head.
627
00:25:41,707 --> 00:25:42,997
I thought
dinner was on the table.
628
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,672
Calm down. You sound winded.
629
00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:46,500
I see carrots, potatoes...
630
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,505
Oh, hey,
the salad's on the table.
631
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,087
-I'm talking to Shirley.
-Shirley?
632
00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:51,592
-Mm.
-Oh, great. Tell her to hang on.
633
00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,014
I want to put her
on speakerphone.
634
00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,802
Shirley, will you hold on
just one minute?
635
00:25:54,845 --> 00:25:56,305
You're not hanging up on me,
are you?
636
00:25:56,347 --> 00:25:57,807
No, I'll be right back.
637
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,388
People think I'm such
a strong person, but I'm not.
638
00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:02,484
Hurry, before she hangs herself
with the phone cord.
639
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,400
Okay. And... go.
640
00:26:05,439 --> 00:26:07,399
Shirley, are you still there?
641
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:09,151
-Barely.
-Okay, good.
642
00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:10,533
Go ahead. You were saying?
643
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:13,409
I was saying my heart is broken.
644
00:26:13,447 --> 00:26:15,827
-(quietly): Excellent. -What?
-Nothing. Go ahead, Shirley.
645
00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:17,826
I didn't get to have
my Yom Kippur dinner.
646
00:26:17,868 --> 00:26:19,578
It was ripped out from under me.
647
00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:22,500
Just like when we went to Boca
and we saw this magician
648
00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:23,920
and he ripped a tablecloth out
649
00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:26,248
from under
a completely set table.
650
00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:28,594
Only in my case,
everything falls to the floor
651
00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:31,089
and smashes
into a million pieces.
652
00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:32,092
Tell her to speak up a little.
653
00:26:32,133 --> 00:26:33,513
Shirley, dear,
could you speak up?
654
00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:36,101
I look forward to that dinner
all year!
655
00:26:36,137 --> 00:26:39,097
But then I heard you all had
such a terrible flu.
656
00:26:39,140 --> 00:26:41,350
My heart stopped.
I mean, the flu is very serious.
657
00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:43,772
People die from the flu.
But when Moishe told me
658
00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:46,271
you didn't actually have
the flu, I was so relieved.
659
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,364
"Thank God, I don't have
to worry about that."
660
00:26:48,399 --> 00:26:50,279
But then he said
the kids split up,
661
00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:53,528
and suddenly I just wished
everybody had the flu.
662
00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:55,031
-Split up?
-Now what do I have?
663
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:56,532
No Yom Kippur.
664
00:26:56,574 --> 00:26:57,534
No daughter-in-law.
665
00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,365
No grandchildren.
666
00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:01,000
You'll always have
the grandchildren.
667
00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:02,867
Oh, well, sure,
yes, as a concept, but...
668
00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:06,213
Shirley, when did you hear
the kids were breaking up?
669
00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:07,840
-Just now.
-You're sure?
670
00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:10,667
Yes. Joel came to see Moishe
this afternoon and...
671
00:27:10,713 --> 00:27:13,223
Wait, who is this?
Who am I talking to?
672
00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,217
That was Abe, Shirley.
Now, try and calm down.
673
00:27:15,259 --> 00:27:16,969
I promise you'll see
the grandchildren again.
674
00:27:17,011 --> 00:27:19,761
When? When am I gonna see
them again?
675
00:27:19,805 --> 00:27:21,925
Next Yom Kippur? What am I, 20?
676
00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:23,604
I could be dead in an hour!
677
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:26,192
I hear there's a terrible flu
going around.
678
00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:28,978
No, the flu wasn't real,
Shirley. The flu was an excuse.
679
00:27:29,023 --> 00:27:31,903
Now people need an excuse
not to see family?
680
00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:33,572
What a world.
681
00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:35,571
She didn't go to him.
I told Miriam to go to him
682
00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:37,413
-and she didn't go to him.
-Abe, Abe...
683
00:27:37,448 --> 00:27:39,328
-Who?
-Uh, nothing, Shirley, I'm here.
684
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,827
I just wish
we could all be together
685
00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,159
just one more time.
686
00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:44,754
One dinner.
687
00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:46,079
I know, Shirley.
688
00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:47,083
One dinner.
689
00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,714
So we can celebrate
the new year.
690
00:27:48,751 --> 00:27:50,671
So I can see my grandchildren
again.
691
00:27:50,711 --> 00:27:52,881
So we can... be a family.
692
00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:54,802
I hear you, Shirley.
Now let me let you go.
693
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,390
I promise I will speak to Miriam
and then we'll talk later.
694
00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:58,886
I'm gonna try her now.
Bye, Rose.
695
00:27:58,928 --> 00:28:00,218
-(click)
-Oh, n... Shirley.
696
00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:01,562
Sh-Shirley!
697
00:28:01,597 --> 00:28:02,847
Oh...
698
00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:16,904
(exhales)
699
00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:19,316
-(busy signal)
-Oh... (grunts)
700
00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:22,235
Zelda! Open the door!
701
00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:25,044
Open the door!
702
00:28:25,079 --> 00:28:27,709
-MIDGE: No, I pr... I-I am not.
I promise you. -(panting)
703
00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:29,378
No, yeah, uh-huh.
704
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:31,457
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
705
00:28:31,502 --> 00:28:33,462
Uh-huh.
706
00:28:33,504 --> 00:28:35,134
Uh-huh.
Well, that's not true, Shirley.
707
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:37,052
I promise you'll see
the children before you die.
708
00:28:37,091 --> 00:28:38,381
Oh, damn it.
709
00:28:38,426 --> 00:28:40,386
Yes, of cour...
Yes, they love you.
710
00:28:40,428 --> 00:28:44,098
And they miss you.
Yes, I'm-I'm very, very sure.
711
00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:46,270
Yes. Yes, I'm sure.
712
00:28:46,308 --> 00:28:47,098
(pants)
713
00:28:47,143 --> 00:28:48,353
Okay.
714
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,774
Oh, of course.
715
00:28:49,812 --> 00:28:52,522
I, I-I understand completely.
716
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:54,435
Thursday dinner will be fine.
717
00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,243
(pants)
718
00:28:56,277 --> 00:28:57,487
Yes, I promise.
719
00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:59,238
Everybody will be there. Okay.
720
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,320
All right. Yes. Uh-huh.
Okay. Bye-bye, Shirley.
721
00:29:02,366 --> 00:29:05,736
(sighs) What a terrible place
the inside of her head must be.
722
00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:07,326
I tried to warn you.
723
00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:09,081
You have so many nines
in your number.
724
00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:11,833
-Thursday night?
-Thursday night.
725
00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:13,376
Well, I can get you out of it.
726
00:29:13,419 --> 00:29:14,419
Really? How?
727
00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:16,262
I don't know. And Joel?
728
00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:18,127
-He is expected.
-Should I call him for you?
729
00:29:18,174 --> 00:29:19,804
You really think Shirley
hasn't gotten to him already?
730
00:29:19,842 --> 00:29:21,052
You're right.
731
00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:23,303
(sighs)
732
00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:24,715
It'll be fine.
733
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:25,893
I'll have to see him eventually.
734
00:29:25,931 --> 00:29:27,561
I mean, we have the children.
735
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,690
We'll just... have to be adults.
736
00:29:29,727 --> 00:29:30,847
And what are you gonna wear?
737
00:29:30,895 --> 00:29:32,765
-Why?
-Wear your red dress.
738
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,523
That's an evening dress.
739
00:29:34,565 --> 00:29:35,725
It's dinner. That's evening.
740
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,284
-Mama...
-If you have to see Joel,
741
00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:38,858
then he has to see you,
and if he has to see you,
742
00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:40,073
he should see what he's missing.
743
00:29:40,112 --> 00:29:41,782
That is not what
this dinner's for.
744
00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:43,032
You're a single woman now.
745
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:46,083
That's what every dinner's for.
746
00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,288
(sets down glass)
747
00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:51,749
(footsteps departing)
748
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:54,210
♪ ♪
749
00:30:24,198 --> 00:30:27,198
♪ ♪
750
00:30:51,809 --> 00:30:53,809
-Morning, Mr. Maisel.
-Morning, Louella.
751
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:56,612
Oh, Jack, I will have that
proposal on your desk by lunch,
752
00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:58,357
I promise.
753
00:31:03,779 --> 00:31:05,909
Oh, good morning, Mr. Maisel.
754
00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:08,028
Did Miss Pann call in sick?
755
00:31:08,075 --> 00:31:09,985
Miss Pann? No.
756
00:31:10,035 --> 00:31:12,495
I'm your new girl,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
757
00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:14,248
-My...
-Funny little story:
758
00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:17,000
I met you when you were
an itty-bitty boy.
759
00:31:17,042 --> 00:31:19,422
(chuckles): That's how long
I've been working here.
760
00:31:19,461 --> 00:31:22,591
Your father used to bring
you here to visit your uncle
761
00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,511
and you'd run around
in those little green pants.
762
00:31:24,550 --> 00:31:27,760
Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry,
who assigned you to this desk?
763
00:31:27,803 --> 00:31:29,313
John Meeks in Personnel.
764
00:31:29,346 --> 00:31:32,016
Aw, you were so good
on the yo-yo.
765
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,557
Are you still good on the yo-yo?
766
00:31:33,601 --> 00:31:34,851
I don't know.
767
00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,403
JOHN:
Carol Moskowitz
768
00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:38,397
is one of the best secretaries
we have here.
769
00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:40,439
Good typist,
always has a smile for you,
770
00:31:40,482 --> 00:31:42,152
plus, she makes
a terrific cup of coffee.
771
00:31:42,192 --> 00:31:43,612
We just thought
this would be a good fit,
772
00:31:43,652 --> 00:31:45,532
seeing as how she knew you
when you were a boy.
773
00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:47,911
So, that's it?
Penny's gone? Fired?
774
00:31:47,948 --> 00:31:48,988
She is not fired, we simply
775
00:31:49,033 --> 00:31:50,243
moved her
to the billing department.
776
00:31:50,284 --> 00:31:51,584
You simply moved...
You know...
777
00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:52,579
(phone bangs on desk)
778
00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:54,160
I'm a vice president here, John.
779
00:31:54,204 --> 00:31:55,834
I should've been consulted.
780
00:31:55,873 --> 00:31:58,003
Have a say over
who my secretary is.
781
00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:00,002
Or when she's been moved
to the billing department!
782
00:32:00,044 --> 00:32:01,714
Sorry, Joel.
Out of my hands.
783
00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:03,424
This came from the top.
784
00:32:05,674 --> 00:32:08,304
(phone ringing,
indistinct conversations)
785
00:32:19,688 --> 00:32:21,858
(machinery buzzing)
786
00:32:26,654 --> 00:32:28,824
-That's some entrance.
-Stay out of my life.
787
00:32:28,864 --> 00:32:30,074
Aha! I was right.
788
00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:32,115
-I mean it.
-I wasn't sure at first.
789
00:32:32,159 --> 00:32:33,289
I heard that name, Penny Pann,
and I thought,
790
00:32:33,327 --> 00:32:34,827
"Well, that's a stupid name,"
791
00:32:34,870 --> 00:32:36,250
but I took a shot
and I was right.
792
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:38,038
-That is my job.
-I love being right.
793
00:32:38,082 --> 00:32:39,382
My job, my office!
794
00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:41,376
I know, I got you that job
and that office.
795
00:32:41,418 --> 00:32:42,798
-That's beside the...
-You were supposed to work
796
00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:44,706
here, with me,
but you didn't want to.
797
00:32:44,755 --> 00:32:46,545
Work was too hard here.
798
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:48,590
-Might get your suit dirty.
-That's not why and you know it.
799
00:32:48,634 --> 00:32:50,804
Was I hurt? Sure.
But fuck me, you're my son.
800
00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:53,014
So, I call my brother, I say
give him a job, a good job,
801
00:32:53,055 --> 00:32:56,095
not a bullshit job
in a storeroom or as a clerk.
802
00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,811
No getting bagels, no running
errands like a schlemiel.
803
00:32:58,852 --> 00:33:01,902
No, give him an office, and
a secretary named Penny Pann.
804
00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:03,359
I did that for you.
805
00:33:03,399 --> 00:33:05,569
And I did this for you also.
806
00:33:05,609 --> 00:33:07,109
Stay out of my life!
807
00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:09,822
(big band music plays)
808
00:33:11,824 --> 00:33:12,874
♪ Uh! ♪
809
00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:15,908
♪ Papa love mambo ♪
810
00:33:15,953 --> 00:33:17,413
♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
811
00:33:18,956 --> 00:33:20,576
All of this goes in that mouth
812
00:33:20,624 --> 00:33:22,334
before you leave this seat,
young man.
813
00:33:22,376 --> 00:33:24,626
-Zelda? -I'll have eyes on him,
Miss Miriam.
814
00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:25,920
Thank you, Zelda.
815
00:33:25,963 --> 00:33:27,843
Everything smells delicious.
816
00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:30,551
-♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
-♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
817
00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:33,432
(Moishe talking indistinctly
in other room)
818
00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:35,600
♪ Evens his weight with it now ♪
819
00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:40,729
♪ He goes to, she goes fro ♪
820
00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:45,019
♪ He goes fast ♪
821
00:33:45,065 --> 00:33:46,355
-Joel?
-Sorry.
822
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:47,990
I, uh, I didn't knock.
823
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:51,816
I just... started to come in,
but then I...
824
00:33:51,864 --> 00:33:53,994
I didn't know if I should,
so I...
825
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:56,332
-closed it.
-So what's the verdict?
826
00:33:56,368 --> 00:33:57,448
In or out?
827
00:33:57,494 --> 00:33:58,834
In.
828
00:33:58,871 --> 00:34:02,671
-♪ Uh! ♪
-♪ Papa loves mambo ♪
829
00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:04,668
Living room's that way,
unless you forgot.
830
00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:06,590
-Going to get a jacket.
-Wasn't sure if you forgot.
831
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:08,708
-Been gone one day, Midge.
-That long, huh?
832
00:34:08,756 --> 00:34:11,046
-This is going really well.
-Oh, yeah.
833
00:34:11,091 --> 00:34:13,761
MOISHE: So I'm at work late,
it's stone quiet,
834
00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:17,512
and I hear a rustling noise
from a button crate.
835
00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:18,966
Have I told you this story, Abe?
836
00:34:19,016 --> 00:34:22,096
Actually Moishe,
you haven't, that I know of.
837
00:34:22,144 --> 00:34:24,404
Good! So I grab
a pair of scissors,
838
00:34:24,438 --> 00:34:26,768
I'm on my hands and knees
crawling over to the crate,
839
00:34:26,815 --> 00:34:28,355
I'm gonna surprise attack.
840
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,820
I jump up,
and I rip the top off,
841
00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,111
bare hands, right off!
842
00:34:32,154 --> 00:34:33,664
Two chickens jump out.
843
00:34:33,697 --> 00:34:34,697
-(laughing)
-Live chickens!
844
00:34:34,740 --> 00:34:36,700
They jumped in somewhere
in Queens,
845
00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:38,912
and took a ride
across the Hudson!
846
00:34:38,952 --> 00:34:42,252
(laughing)
847
00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:45,289
Let me tell you,
I admired those boys.
848
00:34:45,334 --> 00:34:48,214
-And they were delicious.
-ROSE and SHIRLEY: Mmm.
849
00:34:48,253 --> 00:34:49,923
What, what are those?
850
00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:52,093
Gougères. French cheese puffs.
851
00:34:52,132 --> 00:34:54,342
French food is salty.
Is that on purpose?
852
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,054
-Probably.
-Did you know
853
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,764
a lot of French women
aren't married?
854
00:34:57,805 --> 00:35:00,175
Because they're always going
topless on their beaches.
855
00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:01,934
Men see if for free,
they're not gonna propose.
856
00:35:01,975 --> 00:35:03,685
MOISHE: You know what
I just realized?
857
00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:05,897
We never do these things
at your house, Abe.
858
00:35:05,938 --> 00:35:06,938
MIDGE:
Our place is bigger,
859
00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:08,440
Moishe, more entertaining space.
860
00:35:08,482 --> 00:35:10,112
JOEL:
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
861
00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:12,320
Joel. Thank God.
862
00:35:12,361 --> 00:35:14,281
Hello, Mom.
863
00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:18,494
Hello, Rose. Abe.
864
00:35:18,534 --> 00:35:21,164
Hello, Joel.
865
00:35:22,704 --> 00:35:27,254
Mmm... somebody's sending
a message, Shirley.
866
00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:28,632
What message?
What are you talking about?
867
00:35:28,669 --> 00:35:30,709
ZELDA: Ethan wanted
to say good night.
868
00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:32,264
-Daddy.
-Hey, pal.
869
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:34,507
Ah, get over here.
870
00:35:34,550 --> 00:35:36,130
You got your new pajamas on,
huh?
871
00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:38,886
Looks good, it looks good.
Go say hi to Grandma, okay?
872
00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:40,259
-ETHAN: Yeah. Grandma.
-SHIRLEY: Come here, Ethan.
873
00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:43,475
Oh, you are such
a precious boy.
874
00:35:43,517 --> 00:35:44,807
MOISHE: All right, come on,
come to Grandpa.
875
00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:46,442
SHIRLEY:
No, I don't want him to go.
876
00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:49,728
This might have to last me
for a long, long while.
877
00:35:49,773 --> 00:35:51,693
Ah! You miss the Dodgers?
878
00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,193
You know, they left
because of you, right?
879
00:35:53,235 --> 00:35:54,645
-Oh, Moishe.
-They left because
880
00:35:54,695 --> 00:35:56,105
you never went to a game,
and they said,
881
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:58,704
when the hell is Ethan
coming to a game?
882
00:35:58,740 --> 00:36:00,870
Shirley? Do you need something?
883
00:36:00,909 --> 00:36:02,539
SHIRLEY:
Thank goodness...
884
00:36:02,578 --> 00:36:04,328
There he goes.
885
00:36:04,371 --> 00:36:08,501
You know, my strongest memory of
Joel is him running away from us
886
00:36:08,542 --> 00:36:11,042
in his little green pants.
887
00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:13,456
♪ ♪
888
00:36:16,633 --> 00:36:19,183
MOISHE:
How are you doing, Miriam?
889
00:36:19,219 --> 00:36:20,719
I'm doing fine.
890
00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:23,562
If you ever need anything,
Shirley and I are here for you.
891
00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:24,809
I appreciate that.
892
00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:26,600
You know, when my sister's
husband died young,
893
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:29,273
she started volunteering
at the old ladies nursing home,
894
00:36:29,313 --> 00:36:31,233
reading stories,
teaching cha-cha classes,
895
00:36:31,273 --> 00:36:32,523
things like that.
896
00:36:32,566 --> 00:36:35,026
Helped her get through
the long, lonely days,
897
00:36:35,068 --> 00:36:37,988
and at night,
jigsaw puzzles, portraits,
898
00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:40,030
basket of puppies
was a big one.
899
00:36:40,073 --> 00:36:41,203
Could you excuse me
just a minute?
900
00:36:41,241 --> 00:36:43,201
Ah!
901
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:45,753
♪ You know that we were meant ♪
902
00:36:45,787 --> 00:36:49,667
♪ To be more
than just friends... ♪
903
00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:51,788
(sharp inhale)
904
00:36:51,835 --> 00:36:55,205
Can I see you in the bedroom
a minute?
905
00:36:58,467 --> 00:37:00,007
(sighs)
906
00:37:00,052 --> 00:37:01,182
SHIRLEY:
I just don't understand
907
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:03,179
why you didn't ask me
to bring something.
908
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,021
Because you're a guest, Shirley.
909
00:37:05,057 --> 00:37:06,517
I don't even know what this is.
910
00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:08,688
I'll make soup.
Soup we understand.
911
00:37:08,727 --> 00:37:11,897
Shirley, you're a guest.
You're our guest.
912
00:37:11,939 --> 00:37:14,149
You're a guest.
913
00:37:14,191 --> 00:37:16,191
-What is that?
-Chicken soup.
914
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,494
Where did that come from?
915
00:37:17,527 --> 00:37:19,317
I put it in the freezer
last time I was here.
916
00:37:19,363 --> 00:37:20,993
Oh, do you have any matzo meal?
917
00:37:21,031 --> 00:37:22,571
Never mind,
I have some in my purse.
918
00:37:22,616 --> 00:37:24,786
I think I brought some...
919
00:37:26,995 --> 00:37:28,075
Mmm.
920
00:37:34,878 --> 00:37:36,378
Stop there.
921
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,763
I am not a violent man, Joel.
922
00:37:40,801 --> 00:37:43,181
But if I were, I would take you
upstairs to my apartment
923
00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:44,680
and throw you out the window.
924
00:37:44,721 --> 00:37:46,471
Do you know why I'm not throwing
you out this window?
925
00:37:46,515 --> 00:37:47,845
-No.
-Because my window
926
00:37:47,891 --> 00:37:50,391
is on a higher floor and
I want to make sure it sticks.
927
00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:51,845
-Abe...
-No.
928
00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:53,435
You do not call me Abe.
929
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,190
-What do I call you?
-Nothing.
930
00:37:55,232 --> 00:37:57,442
You call me nothing.
931
00:37:57,484 --> 00:37:59,494
You don't talk to me
or look at me.
932
00:37:59,528 --> 00:38:02,528
If you see me on the street,
you will cross the street,
933
00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:04,532
whether or not there is
a crosswalk present.
934
00:38:04,574 --> 00:38:07,494
Your pedestrian safety is
of no importance to me anymore.
935
00:38:07,536 --> 00:38:09,576
-I...
-You what? You're sorry?
936
00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:12,291
You didn't mean to do what
you did? It just happened?
937
00:38:12,332 --> 00:38:14,542
You have children, Joel.
938
00:38:14,584 --> 00:38:18,094
-You made promises.
-I know.
939
00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:24,755
(whispers):
Ah, you stupid, stupid boy.
940
00:38:27,389 --> 00:38:31,229
Where are you going to find
a girl like Miriam again?
941
00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:40,898
-Dinner's ready, Papa.
-Uh-huh.
942
00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:42,284
Can I help you with that?
943
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,280
Oh, uh, I've got it.
944
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,413
You look really
beautiful tonight.
945
00:38:47,451 --> 00:38:48,991
Well, I've got
an armful of meat.
946
00:38:49,036 --> 00:38:51,196
Yeah, that can't hurt.
947
00:38:52,873 --> 00:38:55,293
We should probably
figure out some logistics.
948
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:56,883
Logistics?
949
00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:59,298
You have things here. Clothes.
950
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:01,297
I can pack them all up for you,
if you'd like.
951
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:03,009
Okay... (sighs)
952
00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:05,930
Can I come by
and see the kids sometimes?
953
00:39:05,969 --> 00:39:07,139
I'll take 'em out
so I'm not here.
954
00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:10,429
Of course.
You're their dad.
955
00:39:10,474 --> 00:39:13,314
They love you.
We'll figure something out.
956
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:14,351
-We're sitting down, Shirley.
-I know.
957
00:39:14,394 --> 00:39:15,404
I just wanted
to do one more thing...
958
00:39:15,437 --> 00:39:16,977
You've done so much already.
959
00:39:17,022 --> 00:39:19,732
Dinner, everyone. Move.
960
00:39:19,775 --> 00:39:23,855
♪ I won't know sweet music ♪
961
00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:27,704
♪ Until you return ♪
962
00:39:27,741 --> 00:39:32,661
♪ Someday. ♪
963
00:39:32,704 --> 00:39:34,334
Abe, I know
this is your gathering,
964
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,502
but I'd like to take a moment
to talk about family.
965
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:37,921
-Terrific.
-I know we're going through
966
00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:39,839
a rough, rough time,
and I just want to
967
00:39:39,878 --> 00:39:42,458
thank everyone
for coming together tonight.
968
00:39:42,506 --> 00:39:44,716
-Do you smell something burning?
-Because by coming together
969
00:39:44,758 --> 00:39:46,088
under these trying circumstances
970
00:39:46,134 --> 00:39:47,554
we're showing future
generations,
971
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,314
your Ethans, your Esthers,
that in times of hardships,
972
00:39:50,347 --> 00:39:52,347
self-sacrifice
is often necessary.
973
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:56,850
Like the sacrifice I made
pulling 13 Jews out of Germany
974
00:39:56,895 --> 00:39:59,355
-in 1943.
-ABE and MIDGE: Here we go.
975
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,977
I got that call, I didn't know
who these people were,
976
00:40:02,025 --> 00:40:03,735
I didn't know how to do it,
I just knew there were
977
00:40:03,777 --> 00:40:06,277
13 Jews that wanted
out of Germany,
978
00:40:06,321 --> 00:40:08,411
and I was the man
to get them out.
979
00:40:08,448 --> 00:40:11,698
At great cost.
What I paid per head.
980
00:40:11,743 --> 00:40:13,373
-Okay, time to eat.
-MOISHE: Anyhow,
981
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:14,871
the other day,
sitting in temple,
982
00:40:14,913 --> 00:40:16,963
looking at all the empty
seats next to us--
983
00:40:16,998 --> 00:40:18,668
seats we paid for
as a family--
984
00:40:18,708 --> 00:40:19,998
I was filled with great sadness.
985
00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:21,343
(exaggerated sigh)
986
00:40:21,378 --> 00:40:22,798
Something wrong, Abe?
987
00:40:22,838 --> 00:40:24,838
Seats I paid for, actually.
988
00:40:24,881 --> 00:40:26,221
You were going
to pay me back...
989
00:40:26,258 --> 00:40:27,428
Oh, so it's about money.
990
00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:28,587
I didn't realize
you were hurting.
991
00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:29,885
I'm not hurting.
992
00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:31,718
I'm just saying
we had an agreement.
993
00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:32,853
Well, you seem to have
a nice life,
994
00:40:32,889 --> 00:40:33,889
you've got your lovely home,
995
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,272
you've got your servant here.
996
00:40:35,308 --> 00:40:37,018
Zelda is not a servant,
she's an employee.
997
00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,560
-She's family.
-Family, too.
998
00:40:38,603 --> 00:40:40,693
And well-paid,
with vacation time.
999
00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,190
She went to Holland
last year.
1000
00:40:42,232 --> 00:40:44,112
-Iceland.
-Iceland. Better than Holland.
1001
00:40:44,151 --> 00:40:45,991
In ancient times,
we were the slaves.
1002
00:40:46,027 --> 00:40:48,857
-We don't own slaves.
-I don't own her!
1003
00:40:48,905 --> 00:40:51,405
Can we all just calm down,
eat some soup?
1004
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,029
This is ridiculous!
Are we really just going to
1005
00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:54,826
sit here and pretend everyone's
having a nice evening?
1006
00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:56,120
We're not having a nice evening.
1007
00:40:56,163 --> 00:40:57,793
Fine, then I'll say it.
The separation--
1008
00:40:57,831 --> 00:41:00,751
this ridiculous breakup--
it's not going to happen.
1009
00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,882
This is not the place
to have this conversation.
1010
00:41:02,919 --> 00:41:04,299
No one's talking to you.
1011
00:41:04,337 --> 00:41:06,047
What are you gonna
do about it, Abe, hmm?
1012
00:41:06,089 --> 00:41:08,589
Going to let Miriam here
just suddenly drift along
1013
00:41:08,633 --> 00:41:10,093
without a husband
to protect her?
1014
00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:11,595
She's gonna do what
with her life?
1015
00:41:11,636 --> 00:41:13,596
Sit around all day long
eating bon-bons,
1016
00:41:13,638 --> 00:41:15,428
watching Queen For A Day.
1017
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:17,603
-Is that what you want for her?
-Of course not!
1018
00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:18,812
-That's what's gonna happen.
-It's not!
1019
00:41:18,852 --> 00:41:20,272
-Is too!
-I'm going back to school!
1020
00:41:20,312 --> 00:41:22,272
-What?
-School?!
1021
00:41:22,314 --> 00:41:23,824
Everybody, please,
just calm down, calm down.
1022
00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:26,027
All this anger
and emotion is pointless.
1023
00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:29,357
The leaves said that
the separation will not happen.
1024
00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:33,334
It's all going to end
in peace and happiness.
1025
00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:42,830
Can I see you two
in the bedroom a minute?
1026
00:41:47,130 --> 00:41:51,380
You swore to me you wouldn't
see that crackpot anymore.
1027
00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,596
Drina's a friend,
and she's very gifted.
1028
00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:55,427
She reads sediment.
And you,
1029
00:41:55,472 --> 00:41:57,852
I told you to go get him back.
1030
00:41:57,891 --> 00:41:58,851
What?
1031
00:41:58,892 --> 00:42:00,232
I told you to fix your face,
1032
00:42:00,268 --> 00:42:01,848
put on a nice dress
and get him back.
1033
00:42:01,895 --> 00:42:03,145
-What happened?
-I...
1034
00:42:03,188 --> 00:42:04,438
You forgot how to
fix your face?
1035
00:42:04,481 --> 00:42:05,901
-You couldn't find a dress?
-No.
1036
00:42:05,941 --> 00:42:08,191
-Then what?
-I don't want him here
1037
00:42:08,235 --> 00:42:09,185
if he doesn't want
to be here.
1038
00:42:09,236 --> 00:42:10,646
Of course you do.
1039
00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:11,945
You want him here
no matter what
1040
00:42:11,988 --> 00:42:13,278
he thinks or feels or wants.
1041
00:42:13,323 --> 00:42:15,033
-No.
-Miriam,
1042
00:42:15,075 --> 00:42:18,535
because of you, we are stuck
in this house with that man
1043
00:42:18,578 --> 00:42:21,288
and his bloviating
and speeches.
1044
00:42:21,331 --> 00:42:23,581
And I have to say,
if he talks about getting
1045
00:42:23,625 --> 00:42:26,585
those 13 Jews out of Germany
one more time...
1046
00:42:26,628 --> 00:42:28,458
-Abe...
-He brought them here
1047
00:42:28,505 --> 00:42:30,255
and stuck them
in his factory.
1048
00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:31,878
They're all working there.
1049
00:42:31,925 --> 00:42:33,505
Is he paying
these poor people?
1050
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:36,011
Are there toilets for them?
I've seen their faces.
1051
00:42:36,054 --> 00:42:38,774
I can't be sure of this,
but one of them has a look like,
1052
00:42:38,807 --> 00:42:40,677
"I should have taken
my chances back in Germany."
1053
00:42:40,725 --> 00:42:41,885
-Oh...
-Papa.
1054
00:42:41,935 --> 00:42:43,305
He's a pompous ass!
I said it.
1055
00:42:43,353 --> 00:42:45,113
Did you hear that?
Is that the fridge?
1056
00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:47,396
Oh, God, she's going
after the dessert.
1057
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,150
-(door shuts)
-Shirley!
1058
00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:51,242
(Abe sighs)
1059
00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:58,702
Are you really going
back to school?
1060
00:42:58,743 --> 00:43:01,333
No.
1061
00:43:01,371 --> 00:43:04,541
What are you gonna do?
1062
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:07,172
I don't know.
1063
00:43:16,636 --> 00:43:18,306
What's this for?
1064
00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:19,676
I don't know.
1065
00:43:23,059 --> 00:43:25,649
(door opens, shuts)
1066
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:30,938
(inhales deeply)
1067
00:43:35,405 --> 00:43:37,815
(sniffing)
1068
00:43:40,827 --> 00:43:41,997
(Joel and Moishe arguing)
1069
00:43:42,037 --> 00:43:43,787
JOEL:
Where we gonna go, huh?
1070
00:43:43,830 --> 00:43:45,210
MOISHE: I don't care, the
street-- what do I care?
1071
00:43:45,248 --> 00:43:46,458
-Oh, God.
-JOEL: Aw, you're bluffing.
1072
00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:47,999
MOISHE:
I'm not bluffing.
1073
00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:49,043
This is not a bluff
you want to call.
1074
00:43:49,085 --> 00:43:50,245
I'm doing nothing.
1075
00:43:50,295 --> 00:43:51,585
This is all you, my boy.
1076
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:53,209
Are you crazy?
It was a wedding gift.
1077
00:43:53,256 --> 00:43:54,506
What was a wedding gift?
1078
00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:55,799
A wedding gift
to a married couple.
1079
00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:57,052
A gift for you and Miriam.
1080
00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:58,093
You say there's
no longer a couple?
1081
00:43:58,136 --> 00:43:59,716
Fine, I'll take it back.
1082
00:43:59,763 --> 00:44:01,103
The apartment is
in my name.
1083
00:44:01,139 --> 00:44:02,519
I can do what I want with it.
1084
00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:04,767
-He owns your apartment?
-Why would you do this?
1085
00:44:04,809 --> 00:44:05,769
You say you want me
out of your life.
1086
00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:07,100
Okay, I'm out of your life.
1087
00:44:07,145 --> 00:44:08,435
But I'm taking
the apartment with me.
1088
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:09,560
You're a real
son of a bitch.
1089
00:44:09,606 --> 00:44:10,646
Joel.
It-it's not true.
1090
00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:12,070
Tell me it's not true.
1091
00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:13,068
You going back to school,
Miriam?
1092
00:44:13,109 --> 00:44:14,319
Take a business class.
1093
00:44:14,361 --> 00:44:15,991
'Cause the boy here doesn't know
1094
00:44:16,029 --> 00:44:18,029
-his ass from his elbows.
-Hey, hey, we have neighbors.
1095
00:44:18,073 --> 00:44:19,623
He's fuckin' lousy with numbers.
1096
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,407
You guys are broke.
You're living hand to mouth.
1097
00:44:21,451 --> 00:44:23,661
Joel buys you flowers,
they're from me.
1098
00:44:23,703 --> 00:44:25,253
-Joel...
-You own nothing.
1099
00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:28,208
Your apartment is mine,
his job is his uncle's, so mine.
1100
00:44:28,249 --> 00:44:30,339
He's provided nothing,
he's saved nothing.
1101
00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:32,087
Joel, please talk.
1102
00:44:32,128 --> 00:44:35,338
You didn't tell her.
Your wife, she didn't know.
1103
00:44:35,382 --> 00:44:38,222
-Toddlers, both of you.
-Okay, get out of my house.
1104
00:44:38,259 --> 00:44:40,509
-Uh, you mean my house.
-I don't care whose house it is!
1105
00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:41,643
Get out if it!
1106
00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:42,809
Let's be clear
about it...
1107
00:44:42,847 --> 00:44:44,967
(all shouting)
1108
00:44:45,016 --> 00:44:47,846
Mosh, get out of here!
I said get out, both of you!
1109
00:44:47,894 --> 00:44:50,444
Just stop...
Just take him out of here...
1110
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,020
-SHIRLEY: The happy family.
-Shirley...
1111
00:44:53,066 --> 00:44:55,566
WOMAN:
Wichita.
1112
00:44:55,610 --> 00:44:58,910
Wichita.
1113
00:44:58,947 --> 00:45:00,987
Wichita!
1114
00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:03,122
-Excuse me, Miss.
-Ha!
1115
00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:11,463
Clothed in mendacity,
Wichita.
1116
00:45:11,501 --> 00:45:12,881
Dripping...
What the-- Come on.
1117
00:45:12,919 --> 00:45:16,339
Ya zhivu v bolshom dome
na kholm.
1118
00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:18,381
That's Russian, motherfucker!
1119
00:45:18,425 --> 00:45:20,635
(audience "oohs")
1120
00:45:20,677 --> 00:45:22,047
And here we go.
1121
00:45:22,095 --> 00:45:23,635
I was a Russian
literature major,
1122
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:25,100
and that line was from a book,
1123
00:45:25,140 --> 00:45:26,680
or a poem--
I can't remember.
1124
00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:28,064
All I can remember is
1125
00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:31,521
Ya zhivu v bolshom dome
na kholm,
1126
00:45:31,563 --> 00:45:34,773
which means, "I live
in the large house on the hill."
1127
00:45:34,816 --> 00:45:37,686
That's funny.
1128
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:39,565
That's really funny.
1129
00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:42,372
And the reason it's so funny
is because
1130
00:45:42,407 --> 00:45:45,157
I used to live
in the large house on the hill.
1131
00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:47,951
And now I live nowhere.
1132
00:45:47,996 --> 00:45:50,786
As of an hour ago,
my address changed to "huh?"
1133
00:45:50,832 --> 00:45:52,752
-(laughter)
-See,
1134
00:45:52,792 --> 00:45:55,092
my life completely
fell apart today,
1135
00:45:55,128 --> 00:45:56,208
and here's why.
1136
00:45:56,254 --> 00:46:01,384
My father-in-law
owns my house.
1137
00:46:01,426 --> 00:46:06,386
And he took it back
when his son left me.
1138
00:46:06,431 --> 00:46:08,391
(audience reacts mildly)
1139
00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:10,143
Actually, that doesn't
sound funny at all.
1140
00:46:10,185 --> 00:46:13,685
That sounds... awful.
1141
00:46:13,730 --> 00:46:15,360
Biblical, right?
1142
00:46:15,398 --> 00:46:18,858
Like, like it's Adam
and Eve time,
1143
00:46:18,902 --> 00:46:22,492
and I marry Adam's son, Cain.
1144
00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:24,950
We get a nice little place,
I think we're very happy,
1145
00:46:24,991 --> 00:46:28,371
and then one day
Cain leaves me for,
1146
00:46:28,411 --> 00:46:30,251
I don't know, his brother Abel,
1147
00:46:30,288 --> 00:46:31,708
because there's only four
fuckin' people
1148
00:46:31,748 --> 00:46:33,168
on the planet at this point.
1149
00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:36,038
And then Adam...
Adam takes my house
1150
00:46:36,085 --> 00:46:38,545
and tells me to do
jigsaw puzzles.
1151
00:46:38,588 --> 00:46:40,468
(laughter)
1152
00:46:41,966 --> 00:46:44,636
God, how did I not know
it wasn't our house?
1153
00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,677
How stupid am I? I mean,
I never thought to ask,
1154
00:46:47,722 --> 00:46:49,392
"Hey, in case you leave me
for your secretary,
1155
00:46:49,432 --> 00:46:51,682
what's the situation
with our deed?"
1156
00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:54,346
It's the bras, right?
1157
00:46:54,395 --> 00:46:56,105
It's the bras.
1158
00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:59,067
And the... the girdles
and the corsets,
1159
00:46:59,108 --> 00:47:01,738
all designed to cut off
the circulation to your brain,
1160
00:47:01,778 --> 00:47:04,358
so you walk around on the verge
of passing out,
1161
00:47:04,405 --> 00:47:05,985
and you look at your husband,
and he tells you things,
1162
00:47:06,032 --> 00:47:07,702
and you just believe them.
1163
00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:09,742
Like, like when you're
a little girl,
1164
00:47:09,786 --> 00:47:13,496
and people say, "The princess
lived in a magic castle
1165
00:47:13,540 --> 00:47:14,870
"for a hundred years.
1166
00:47:14,916 --> 00:47:17,086
"And then a prince
climbed up the side,
1167
00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:19,876
"slayed a dragon,
kissed her, woke her up,
1168
00:47:19,921 --> 00:47:22,761
and they lived happily
ever after."
1169
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:26,429
And you think...
that's plausible.
1170
00:47:26,469 --> 00:47:27,469
(laughter)
1171
00:47:27,512 --> 00:47:28,812
Couple of details are fuzzy,
1172
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,386
but sure,
I'll buy that.
1173
00:47:30,431 --> 00:47:33,521
Later, you find out the prince's
father owns the castle,
1174
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:35,730
the prince's secretary
knows shorthand,
1175
00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:37,610
and Sleeping Beauty's screwed.
1176
00:47:37,647 --> 00:47:39,647
(laughter)
1177
00:47:39,691 --> 00:47:41,111
You've heard about
the shorthand girls?
1178
00:47:41,150 --> 00:47:44,200
These are girls
whose skill in life
1179
00:47:44,237 --> 00:47:47,027
is not writing full sentences.
1180
00:47:47,073 --> 00:47:50,373
Meanwhile, I went to college
to learn Russian.
1181
00:47:50,410 --> 00:47:53,750
And speaking of vodka,
why don't they serve booze here?
1182
00:47:53,788 --> 00:47:55,078
I need a drink.
1183
00:47:55,123 --> 00:47:56,543
I need a stiff drink.
1184
00:47:56,583 --> 00:47:58,753
I need a drink so stiff
I could blow it.
1185
00:47:58,793 --> 00:48:00,503
-Sorry, that's un-ladylike.
-(laughter)
1186
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:02,955
You look offended.
1187
00:48:03,006 --> 00:48:04,916
I don't mean to offend
the delicate.
1188
00:48:04,966 --> 00:48:07,756
I-I used to be delicate.
I was delightful.
1189
00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:11,352
I was a goddamn flower.
I smelled like roses,
1190
00:48:11,389 --> 00:48:13,729
and sunshine shone
out of my ass.
1191
00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:15,596
-(loud laughter)
-What?
1192
00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:17,813
I said sunshine.
1193
00:48:17,854 --> 00:48:21,364
Hey, when you get home,
check the name on your deed.
1194
00:48:21,399 --> 00:48:22,569
Oh, you are kidding me.
1195
00:48:22,609 --> 00:48:24,399
I know I must seem
a bit angry
1196
00:48:24,444 --> 00:48:27,414
and deranged
to you all right now, and I am.
1197
00:48:27,447 --> 00:48:30,617
I'll admit, I would like
to repeatedly kick
1198
00:48:30,658 --> 00:48:32,738
every man in here in the balls
1199
00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:34,115
over the course
of the next several hours.
1200
00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:37,922
I won't, though.
I am still a lady.
1201
00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:39,957
And a lady never kicks men
repeatedly in the balls
1202
00:48:40,001 --> 00:48:41,501
for longer than 20,
30 minutes tops.
1203
00:48:41,544 --> 00:48:44,554
Because then their girdles
start to draw blood.
1204
00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,169
-(laughter)
-All right, all right.
1205
00:48:46,215 --> 00:48:48,215
I told you about the language.
You know the drill.
1206
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:49,759
Officer Peluso...
1207
00:48:49,802 --> 00:48:53,772
Ladies and gentlemen,
Officer Peluso!
1208
00:48:55,516 --> 00:48:57,766
He arrested me
just the other night.
1209
00:48:57,810 --> 00:48:59,980
Come down from there right now
or I'm coming up there.
1210
00:49:00,021 --> 00:49:01,691
Officer, sorry, I work alone.
1211
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:03,861
Now, and apparently
for the rest of my life.
1212
00:49:03,900 --> 00:49:06,190
I'm gonna count to five.
One... (count continues)
1213
00:49:06,235 --> 00:49:08,655
That's the end of my show,
folks. Tune in next week,
1214
00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:11,156
when my grandmother steals my
pearls and fucks my boyfriend.
1215
00:49:11,199 --> 00:49:13,199
Five!
Let's go, Peluso.
1216
00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:16,252
(cheering, whistling)
1217
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,415
That's my client.
1218
00:49:26,422 --> 00:49:29,052
We charge for pictures now.
1219
00:49:29,092 --> 00:49:31,842
(cheering, applause continue)
1220
00:49:31,886 --> 00:49:34,846
(David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel"
playing)
1221
00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:36,889
♪ ♪
1222
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:43,730
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo ♪
1223
00:49:47,402 --> 00:49:51,112
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo ♪
1224
00:49:54,951 --> 00:49:58,961
♪ You've got your mother
in a whirl ♪
1225
00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:02,666
♪ She's not sure
if you're a boy or a girl ♪
1226
00:50:02,709 --> 00:50:06,709
♪ Hey, babe,
your hair's all right ♪
1227
00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:10,384
♪ Hey, babe,
let's go out tonight ♪
1228
00:50:10,425 --> 00:50:14,215
♪ You like me
and I like it all ♪
1229
00:50:14,262 --> 00:50:17,522
♪ We like dancing
and we look divine ♪
1230
00:50:17,557 --> 00:50:21,887
♪ You love bands
when they play it hard ♪
1231
00:50:21,936 --> 00:50:25,436
♪ You want more
and you want it fast ♪
1232
00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:29,191
♪ They put you down,
they say I'm wrong ♪
1233
00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:33,025
♪ You tacky thing,
you put them on ♪
1234
00:50:33,072 --> 00:50:36,952
♪ Rebel Rebel,
you've torn your dress ♪
1235
00:50:36,993 --> 00:50:40,793
♪ Rebel Rebel, your face
is a mess ♪
1236
00:50:40,830 --> 00:50:44,500
♪ Rebel Rebel,
how could they know? ♪
1237
00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:48,422
♪ Hot tramp, I love you so ♪
1238
00:50:51,257 --> 00:50:52,677
♪ Don't ya ♪
1239
00:50:56,304 --> 00:50:59,934
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo ♪
1240
00:51:03,644 --> 00:51:06,864
♪ You've got your mother
in a whirl ♪
1241
00:51:06,898 --> 00:51:11,488
♪ 'Cause she's not sure
if you're a boy or a girl ♪
1242
00:51:11,527 --> 00:51:15,157
♪ Hey, babe,
your hair's all right ♪
1243
00:51:15,198 --> 00:51:18,658
♪ Hey, babe,
let's stay out tonight ♪
1244
00:51:18,701 --> 00:51:21,501
♪ You like me
and I like it all ♪
1245
00:51:21,537 --> 00:51:26,457
♪ We like dancing
and we look divine... ♪
87666
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