Original subtitles

I haven't seen him on the TV. Have you? - What's that, love?

I said I've not seen him on the television. - Who?

Archie Rice.

Oh, come on, it's only a lot of daft girls standing about with nothing on.

Come on, Father. - He looks daft.

Will you come on when I tell you? I'm not gonna speak to you again.

He's never been on TV.

Granddad!

Granddad! Granddad!

Hello, Granddad. - Jean! I wondered who it was.

I'm sorry if I startled you. - I didn't know who the hell it was.

I was miles away. - Oh, it's good to see you.

It's good to see you, my darling. Give your grandfather a kiss.

Here, girl, give me your case. - No, it's alright, I can manage.

Give me the case and hold your bloody noise.

Your stepmother's in one of her moods so I came out.

I can't stand rows with Phoebe, not anymore, so I come and sit on the pier.

Albert. Take care of this case for me, will you?

This is my granddaughter. - Oh, yes, he told me all about you.

Have you come to see your dad?

Thank you. Come on. - See ya.

Who's that, Albert? Oh. - Archie Rice's daughter.

It's good to see you, Jean. How long are you going to stay?

Just a few days, I expect.

Have you heard from young Mick? - Yes, he's fine.

He's a good boy, he'll be all right. But it's a nasty business to get mixed up in.

All those people out there in Egypt and God knows where else.

They seem to be able to do what they like to us nowadays.

I went to the rally in Trafalgar Square last Sunday.

What for, for God's sake? - Oh, I don't know.

Seem to've got myself steamed up about a lot of things lately.

Well, I should think you'd want to have your bloody head read.

Yes, that's more or less what Graham said. - Graham?

My fiancé.

Can we go now, miss? - Yes, all right.

Paints and brushes on this table and paintings over here.

"Five minutes."

Finished? - Yes, miss.

Don't you want to go and dance?

You don't have to go if you don't want to.

Good night.

Here, watch out where you're going! Wait...!

Am I late?

No, his train doesn't leave for an hour.

You were making a lot of noise.

Well, my little social worker, what was it tonight?

The bicycle-chain ball or the flick-knife excuse-me?

Oh...

Cheer up.

Can't see the soldier brother off to the wars with a long face like that.

No, I should look pleased about it, shouldn't I?

Jean, I don't know how you think you could ever make anything out of those monsters?

You're crazy.

Oh, darling, don't let's do this again.

I'm sorry. It's time you faced up to the fact

you are never going to do anything with those sort of people.

Don't talk to me about those sort of people.

Anyway, if it weren't for your sort of people

still hanging on to their livings in other people's countries

my brother wouldn't be going off to fight.

The telegram came at breakfast.

Why didn't they wait till February? You'd have been out by then.

Oh, I don't know. I'm thinking of signing on.

Signing on? - Yeah.

Well... up the flag, Mick.

Here's to you, Mick. And let's hope it's a false alarm.

Thank you.

You're leaving tonight? - No, they're flying us out in the morning.

Well, it's nice of you both to come and see me off.

Off to defend the Empire, you lucky people. - My queen and country need me.

I wish I could think it was funny.

Ah... - Oh, Jean...

Give him a break. He'll be all right.

Jean's always taken everything seriously, haven't you love?

I've always taken it as it comes, but not Jeannie.

Cheer up, love. Life isn't as bad as all that.

And even if it is, there's nothing we can do about it.

Oh, I must be off.

Come on.

Well, that needs cleaning for a start. - Nah.

I'll do it. - Oh, good lad. Come on.

Don't come any further. There's my mob there. - OK.

Goodbye, love. - Bye, Mick

Stick in the back row if there's shooting. - You bet.

Go up and see Phoebe and the old boy sometime, will ya?

Yes, I'm going to. - Well, do.

Goodbye, Graham. - Bye-bye, Mick. Good luck.

Are you two getting married?

Well, ask her. - Well, make her! It's what Jean needs.

I'll bring you back a fuzzy-wuzzy for your wedding present.

You can hang it on the nursery wall and frighten the kids with it. Bye.

Bye-bye. - Goodbye.

Let's go.

Do you want to eat somewhere? - No, thanks.

It might cheer you up. Something to eat, a bottle of wine...

I want to go home.

All right.

Do you want to come?

What about the landlady?

We'll beat her up.

I've been longing to tell you about it all day.

They want a decision pretty soon.

Why Africa? - Well, the firm's expanding out there.

You know - young men, big opportunities, all that kind of things.

Do you want to go? - Yes.

Yes, I do. I've thought about it a lot.

We could get married next month.

Supposing I don't want to go, Graham? Would you go just the same?

I don't think that's a fair question. - No, but I'm asking it.

Well, if we were married, I think it would change your mind.

But what if I didn't?

Why do you want to go? - I've told you.

Oh, yes. Big opportunities. Big deal.

Jean, you love me, don't you? - Yes.

And you still want to marry me? - Of course.

Well, then why do we argue?

I don't understand you.

There's nothing to keep you here. Nothing.

Nothing but a bunch of teddy boys who ought to be put in jail

where they'll rot. - Oh, Graham!

Don't pretend to me that you can't leave that deadbeat family of yours.

Oh, Graham, can't you try and understand? This job means something to me.

I've never been good enough to paint myself

but I think this is something I really can do.

Oh, maybe the first term has been hell, but I'm not going to give up that easily

There's nothing to keep us here.

You've never stopped telling that everything about this country's dead.

Well, I agree. It's dead.

This would be a wonderful chance for us to get out of it.

I'm sorry.

I'm so tired.

I know. I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Take me to bed.

I'm all right, Granddad. I feel better now I've talked about it.

You always liked coming to see me, didn't you?

You were a pretty little thing.

Not that looks are everything, nor even for a woman.

You don't look at the mantelpiece when you poke the fire.

I'll say this for Archie, he always saw that you were nicely turned out.

He was a smart little boy himself.

Used to dress 'em in sailor suits then.

Funny how they all turn out.

How is Dad?

He's a fool. - Oh.

Trying to raise money for another show when he hasn't enough for this one running.

Well, what's this one like?

I don't know. I haven't seen it. I wouldn't.

They don't want human beings anymore.

Well, you're a lovely lot tonight. Really lovely lot tonight.

I've played in front of them all, you know. Yes, I've played in front of them all!

The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, and err...

What's the name of that other pub?

Blimey, that went better at first house.

Hey, what about these crooners, eh? What about these crooners?

I don't know what they're coming to, honest, I don't.

Look at the stuff they sing. Look at the songs they sing.

"The Darktown Strutters' Ball". "The Basin Street Ball".

"The Woodchoppers' Ball".

It's a lot of... rubbish, isn't it?

He's a bit suggestive, isn't he?

Well, now I'm going to sing you a little song. A little song!

A little song written by Rimsky-Nastikov.

A little song entitled

"The Old Church Bell Won't Ring Tonight as the Vicar's got the Clapper."

# Hide your face, Mum The girls have got me

# I shan't be home for an hour or two I've got all sorts of nice things to do

# They've got me worked up In such a state

# So hide your face, Mum Cos I can't hardly wait

# So hide your face, Mum The girls have got me

# The girls, the glamorous gorgeous girls Have got me #

All right, Nicky?

Hey. - Take her up.

Jean! - Hello, Frank.

Nice to see you, love.

Got a holiday?

Sort of. I've just seen Granddad. He's gone home.

Hey, Dad's on. As you may possibly have guessed.

He'll be off in a minute, though. - OK.

# But it's when she'd gone and left me

# That I started to say good night #

Can't be anyone out front tonight but just the-

Look who's here. - Ah?

Oh, hello, Jean! - Hello.

This is nice. I didn't see you standing there. I haven't got my glasses on.

I know. You thought I was the income tax man.

That's right! - Hey Dad. Dad.

All right, are you? - Fine.

# Hide your face, Mum The girls have got him

# He won't be home for an hour or two He's got all sorts of nice things to do

# They've got him Worked up in such a state

# Hide your face, Mum

# The girls, the glamorous gorgeous girls, Have got him now #

How's it going?

Oh, first house about 60 sad little drabs in it.

Tonight about 200 sad little drabs. - Excuse me.

Frank! I'd like to see you.

If we go on next week, it will be by very reluctant agreement

of about 20 rather angry people.

Have you been home, love? - Oh no, not yet.

I suppose I ought to have warned Phoebe. - Not to worry.

You can have Mick's room, all right?

How is Mick? Have you heard from him?

Yes, yes, had a couple of letters. He's just sitting in the middle of the desert

twiddling his thumbs. It's hot, he says. Not one for subtle detail, old Mick.

Hey, the kids say if they don't get their back salary, they're going to quit.

Well, let 'em. Hey, Frank, pop round the corner and get a couple of bottles.

One gin, one Dubonnet. I'm going to have a celebration.

What you have to celebrate? - My 20th anniversary.

What of? - Not paying income tax.

You go with him, love. She he doesn't forget the change.

I'll meet you at Buckingham Palace. I've got a couple of people to see.

Good night, Frank.

You seen Renee?

Well, you better get some lolly for her tonight or you've had it. Here is your week.

How much?

It's not so hot.

Want one? - I don't think I'd better, had I?

Oops

Well?

Yeah, uh, I'll just be five minutes, see. I've got to listen to the news.

That's a good one. - No, no, I'm not kidding, honestly.

I'm not leaving this theatre tonight without it.

I'll just hear it and I'll be out. Five minutes.

There'll be another programme in this series at the same time next week.

The eleven-o'clock news summary follows almost at once.

This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the summary of the news. First of all, Suez.

A number of British paratroopers

are reported to have been overrun and captured in a forward position.

Names will be withheld at the War Office until the next of kin have been informed.

The House of Commons is debating the situation in the Middle East tomorrow

at the request of the opposition.

Latest reports from the area were considered at a cabinet meeting this afternoon.

Oh, this is nice! What a shame - if only I'd known I could have been back earlier

but I stayed and saw a bit of the big picture 'round again.

What was it like? - Wasn't up to much.

They're showing a lot of rubbish out at the picture house these days.

I hear they're going to close that place down, by the way.

Everything's doing badly.

That's what worries Archie. - Good night, Mum.

Good night, dear. - See you in the morning, Jeano.

Where are you off to? - He's got an extra job.

He's playing the piano in one of these late-night drinking places

and the Winter Gardens organ on Sundays.

It is lovely to see her, isn't it, Dad? - It is.

He's pleased. He doesn't have anyone much to talk to, do you?

Oh, Phoebe. - Well, it's not my fault.

He won't come to the pictures with me.

He likes to listen to a play on the wireless sometimes.

SHE SHOUTS You like a nice play! - Yes!

I can't sit for long. I'd rather have a spot of pictures.

I'm all right. - I'm at Woolworth's now. Did I tell you?

I'm on the electrical counter. Not bad. Girls are a bit common, that's all.

Oh, it's nice to see you! - Archie says you had a letter from Mick.

Yes, he's out there. Jean, you think he's going to be all right, don't you?

I don't know why they send these boys out to do the fighting.

They're just kids, that's all. That's all he is, a kid.

I mean, they do look after them, don't they? - Oh yes, they look after them all right.

They look after them better now than they did when I was in it. The Dardanelles.

I went through that without a scratch. Not a scratch on me.

Aye aye. - Hello.

I've just been talking to our coloured friend on the stairs.

He's a student. - No, he's not. He's a ballet dancer.

Is he? He's a big fellow.

He's playing the Winter Gardens for a fortnight.

Ballet dancer?

Yeah, he tells me if you drop your hat outside there now

you have to kick it all the way down to the promenade before you dare pick it up.

There's a telegram come for you. - Don't you think she's looking a bit peaky?

Looks all right to me. Needs a drink, that's all.

There's a telegram come for you!

Yeah, well, it's probably just from one of my creditors, you see?

Good girl, Jean! You remembered Phoebe's Dubonnet.

She likes that. Don't you, dear?

She thinks she's being awfully you when she drinks that, don't you?

Well, I like it. It seems to soothe me.

But what's all this for? Was it all right at the theatre?

No, it was not all right at the theatre. - Oh...

Now, have your Dubonnet, dear. Don't get all emotional. Jean, that's yours.

Billy, wake up! - I am awake.

Well, stop yelling, then. You sound like a television commercial.

Here's a drink for you.

I don't want a bloody drink.

Yes, you do. Now, don't argue and drink up. I'm having a little celebration.

Celebration? What have you got to celebrate about?

Oh, dear.

You haven't got a thing you can call your own

and as sure as God made little apples.

I'll lay a sovereign to a penny piece

you'll end up in the bankruptcy court before Christmas.

And you'll be lucky if you don't end up in jail as well

Oh, get him to go to bed, Archie. He's overtired.

Go to bed. You're overtired.

I'm not overtired.

I don't relish the idea of a jailbird in the family.

Oh, shut up, Dad! You've had too much to drink!

I used to have half a bottle of three-star brandy for breakfast.

Yes, and a pound of steak and a couple of chorus girls.

He'll tell you the whole story at the drop of a hat.

I leave chorus girls to you. Do you know what James Agate said about me?

Oh, yes, that you and Mrs Pat Campbell were his two favourite female impersonators.

You know bloody well what he said.

Dad, Dad, Dad.

We all know what he said and every word of it was true.

Your daughter went to that Trafalgar Square circus last Sunday, if you please.

No, did you really? Are you one of those who don't like the Prime Minister?

I think I've grown rather fond of him. Does he bring you out in spots? Because...

I wish I knew what was going to happen.

You know, I feel like that about that horrible dog downstairs.

He brings me out in a rash every time I look at him.

What is going to happen? - There are three things do that to me.

Three things! Nuns, clergymen and dogs. - Well, I don't want to always have to work.

I mean, you want a bit of life before it's all over.

Takes the gilt off if you know you've got to go on and on

until they carry you out in a box.

Did I tell you my nun story? - Oh, it's all right for him! He's all right!

He still has his women. While it lasts, anyway.

But I don't want to end up being lain out by some stranger

in some rotten, stinking little street in Gateshead

or West Hartlepool or another of those dead-or-alive holes.

Phoebe, don't upset yourself. Let's enjoy ourselves.

Do you think I don't want to enjoy myself?

I wish women wouldn't cry. I wish they wouldn't.

Try and say something to her, Jean. - Why don't you?

I wish I could. I only wish I could.

Phoebe...

Phoebe, dear, would you like to go to bed?

Yes, I think I will if you don't mind, dear.

I think perhaps I've overdone it a bit.

I never could stand too much excitement.

And I think I'm worrying about young Mick underneath.

I keep thinking about all that fighting.

Well, try and get some sleep love. You'll feel better when you wake up.

Yes, yes, dear.

Would you come and say good night to me, Archie?

Yes, I'm just finishing my little celebration, remember?

He's funny. - Good night, son.

Good night.

Good night, love. - Good night, Jean.

Good night, Granddad. - It was good seeing you.

We'll have a good talk tomorrow. - Yes, we will.

Dad?

Yeah?

You're keeping something to yourself.

You never miss a trick, do you? - What is it?

Mick's been taken prisoner.

No point in breaking it tonight.

I think I'd like some of that. - Yeah.

Well, we'll drink to Mick.

Let's hope to God he manages, eh?

Mick. And... the income tax man.

With you, it's Prime Ministers. With me, it's dogs.

Nuns, clergymen and dogs.

Hey, did I ever tell you the greatest compliment I ever had paid me?

I was walking along the promenade somewhere.

I think it must have been here, actually.

One day...

25 years ago.

I was quite a young man.

There I was, walking along the promenade

to meet what I think we used to call a piece of crackling...

When two nuns came toward me.

Two nuns.

Talk to me.

Get down! Get down! Get downstairs!

Come on, wait! Get down there!

Jean. - There's nothing fresh.

It's just the same description as we heard on the news.

Oh, dear...

To hear that wireless you'd think of some of those rogues that get up in Parliament

were glad our boys were taken prisoner.

Their own country always in the wrong and the other lot's always right.

Oh, shut up, Dad, we're worried enough as it is without politics.

It says here, "Lieutenant Pearson of Leicester

"who had been with Sergeant Rice until a few minutes before he was captured

"said he must have killed at least seven of the attackers before he was overwhelmed."

"'He must have run out of ammunition,' said Pearson. 'Young Rice wasn't the type..."'

Oh, don't go on, Jean. You know I just can't bear to think about it.

Oh, I fried these up for your breakfast.

They don't look very nice, do they? I'm sorry.

Never mind, Phoebe. I'm not really hungry, thanks.

Where's Frank? - Oh, he went to the theatre for something.

Said he wouldn't be in for breakfast.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he went out early. He had a telephone call from the Town Hall.

Sit down? - No, thanks, Granddad, I'll sit here.

About the bathing beauty competition. He'll be in his element.

Bathing beauties?

It isn't as if they've got the figures nowadays. They're all skin and bone.

What's he going to do after this? Is he really trying to put on another show?

I don't know how, after that last business. He's still an undischarged bankrupt.

But you knew that, dear, didn't you?

I have to sign everything for him. Cheques, the lot. He can't get any credit.

Still, Archie could always twist me 'round his little finger.

He won't listen to me. He spends half his time in that Rockcliffe.

The what?

That damned meat market by the clock tower.

How'd you happen to do that?

How do I come to pay income tax 20 years ago?

Pure bad luck, that's all. I was trapped in a hospital with a double hernia.

Very nasty it was too. Terribly complicated.

I even thought all my plans for the future were going to be finished at one point.

That's another story I'll tell you sometime. There I was!

There I was lying on my back

wondering whether Draught Bass, on its own, was enough to make life worth living...

Arnold, five more half Bass, please.

when two men in bowler hats and raincoats sprang at me from behind the screens.

That was Archie's one downfall. Could have happened to anyone.

I think it must have been the Ward Sister tipped them off.

She used to tell me she was very spiritual.

Hey, I'd gone legit just then, you see, and I was in A Tale Of Two Cities.

When I told her, she said "Oh, yes, I've heard of that."

She was an Irish lady.

"The Tale Of Two Cities, isn't that about Sodom and Gomorrah?"

Hey, Harold, can I have a word? Hey? Oh, pay for these, thanks very much.

Harold, how about...

How about a booking

at the Winter Garden, when the season's over?

What do you have in mind?

Something lavish. A couple of top-liners.

See, I've got uh

I've got hold of those costumes from Syd Stein's Blackpool show

last year's, you know. Fabulous stuff.

Oh, why don't you leave it alone? - No, I was

I was having a drink, you see.

I was having a drink with Doreen Maine's agent last Thursday.

Doreen Maine. Well, you know, she, she...

One of her records hit the top ten. Last February.

I'd like to do you a favour, Archie. - I'm not asking any favours, Harold.

What management? - Me.

Are you really serious, Archie? - Serious? Harold, you don't understand.

I need this booking. I really need it. - Well, I'd have to see the show first.

Harold, I've got to open somewhere.

Now, Archie.

We've had some laughs together all this time. Let's leave it like that, eh?

Harold, you don't understand.

With a booking like this I could break the circuits.

Archie, you know me. I only deal with established properties.

Harold... I'm asking you as a friend.

Look, you know my office.

If you think you've got a concrete proposition

I'm always prepared to listen, not otherwise.

Sorry about that, Harold. Worrying about young Mick, I dare say.

That's all right, Archie.

Well, I must rush now, boys. The call of the Bathing Belle competition.

I'm judging the finals this afternoon. - I thought Wally Barker was gonna do it.

Wally Barker's dropped out, so they sent for the expert.

Mind you, of course they don't understand the business in this country, you know.

Oh, they don't.

On the Continent, they put the girls up for auction when it's finished. They do.

Hey, did I tell you about that chap who'd take out a pen... No, no, sorry, too late.

So long, Frank. - So long.

Can I help you, darling? - I'm looking for Mr Rice.

I'm his daughter. - Which one are you?

The one born yesterday?

As a matter of fact, Mr Hubbard, she is my sister.

Oh.

Sorry.

Jean! Jean.

Now listen, he didn't mean anything. - I know what he meant.

Who is he, anyway?

He's the new manager of the Winter Garden Theatre.

Oh, I see. Well, I wouldn't trust him behind a drawn...

curtain with his feet showing.

As my dear old Dad would say.

Why does he go on with it? - Who, Dad?

In the blood, I suppose. Yours too, I'll bet.

Oh, I just wish sometimes he'd face up to reality.

Well, I don't think he ever faces up to much else.

He knows music hall's dying better than you do.

And what about you, Frank? Are you going on with it?

Talent got a bit thin when it come down to me.

And the courage too. - Courage?

Yeah. Courage to go on.

Like Archie. He's got it.

Hey, walk up to the Winter Garden with me, will you?

Well, what for?

I'm standing in for the lady organist for half an hour.

Come on.

'Course, you know, Granddad had the real talent. He had what it takes.

People still remember him, you know. They stop him in the street.

I suppose he's about all that's left

of all that music-hall stuff and all them other things.

Still, as Phoebe always says...

- Better to be a has-been... - Than a never-was.

Hey, it must have been better than this, anyway.

Something's missing, isn't it?

Mrs Sandy MacPherson calls.

Hey, you'll be late for the beauty competition. I'll see you.

Miss Vicky Thelwell of Leeds.

She likes weightlifting and dislikes men with beards. Has no hobbies.

What about her, eh? She needs some beef putting into her.

The roast beef of old England, if you ask me.

Well, no, nobody's asked me. Never mind.

Now, uh...

Miss Anne Thomlinson of Heysham.

Likes steak, dislikes getting up in the morning, and has no hobbies.

Miss Shirley Lawrence from Ripon.

She likes midnight swimming and dislikes wolves and her hobby is sailing.

Now Miss Joyce Richards from Heysham.

She likes weightlifting and dislikes men drivers and she's got no hobbies.

HE WHISTLES She's a smasher. - Give over, Father.

Don't look so worried, lady.

Your old man may be a bit square, but he still loves to go in for the curves.

How 'bout that for a bit of Pi-r-squared?

Where did they dig him up?

Hello. - Hello, dear.

Hello, Granddad. - Hello.

You've missed most of it. They're just doing the final walk round.

Archie's been good.

Yes, I was watching from the back.

No, he hasn't said a word about Mick all day.

He's worried about him. Oh, well, that's why I came out, really.

To take my mind off it a bit. - She's pretty.

And now, Miss Tina Lapford from Burnley.

She likes meeting people. Dislikes sarcastic people. - Amateur dramatics.

Whoo! Now, uh...

I wonder which one Archie's picked out for himself?

Why don't you hold your bloody noise.

Doesn't like me talking about it.

As if she doesn't know what's been going on all this time.

Well, there's no reason to talk about it. - Oh, she's not soft. Are you, dear?

I don't want hear about it

and I shouldn't think Jean does. - Shh, Dad, people are listening.

And now, ladies and gentlemen

before our distinguished judges make their final selection

these lovely girls are going to line up for you so you can make your final selection.

I've made mine. Of course this is a very tense moment, ladies and gentlemen

you understand, very tense, very tense indeed.

The judges have the most elaborate system of marking.

They're marked "good", "very good" and "wow".

There you are, boys. Aren't they gorgeous? Aren't they gorgeous?

Come on, boys.

That'll take the tops off your boiled eggs for you tomorrow morning.

And If I happen to mention the women

it's because it's always been the same thing with them.

Still, I suppose it's different with men. More important to them.

Will you hold your bloody noise? - Why don't you?

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for

the judges' final announcement. Thank you.

For the third prize we have Miss Joyce Richards of Heysham.

Just 19 and very nice too.

Thank you.

To present the prizes, I have the great honour and pleasure to introduce to you

that great star of TV, stage, screen and labour exchange, Mr MacDonald Hobley.

Congratulations to you.

And the second place, Miss Tina Lapford, from Burnley. Age 20 and very nice too.

I'd vote for her.

Oh, no. Don't think much of her.

Good luck to you.

All yours, Mac. - Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the cheque for £1,000

and the holder of the title of Miss Great Britain

is Valerie Martin from Salisbury.

Listen. You two wait here while I go try and find Archie before the big rush.

They'll be starting all the photographs soon.

Well, that's that. - Excuse me. And you behave yourself.

Yes, yes, yes.

A beauty competition?

Half the time I can't tell the women from the men, not from the back.

Even from the front you have to take a good look sometimes.

Granddad!

You look thirsty. How about having a little drink with me?

Well, you see, I can't because I've got my mum with me.

That's all right, love. Bring her along to have a drink too.

Really?

Yes, of course. Where is she? Is she here? - Come over and meet her while I change.

I'd love to. Is she pretty? Of course she is. - No, no!

She must be. - No, she's not a bit. Mum!

Mum, this is Mr Rice. He wanted to meet you. This is my mum, Mrs Lapford.

Hello, how are you?

Well, go and get changed, love, and then you won't get cold.

See you in the Wonder Bar.

Well, I thought they were never going to make up their minds

and I'm not saying that because of our Tina, you know.

because, I mean, after all a second prize is better than no prize.

Yes, but everyone was saying that it should have been first prize.

But really, I can't understand what they could see in that girl.

Archie?

I mean, there was a lot of the girls there extremely ladylike.

like our Tina, but that one? The one that won first prize?

Well, I'm sorry, I shall just have to say it, Mr Rice.

She was just common. That's all I can say. Just common.

Of course, you see, I always knew our Tina had it in her

when she was a little girl, you know.

Oh, yes, she was always doing impersonations. Weren't you, love?

Oh, that. - "Oh, that?"

Film stars, you know. Veronica Lake she used to do. And Donald Duck.

And... who else did you do, love?

I don't remember. I was only a little kid. - I knew she had it in her then.

That's why I thought she better have elocution lessons.

Well, she started those before she started going to school.

Oh, she's worked hard. Of course she's got her head screwed on.

Well, you'll have seen that.

You see, she wants to get on, so I'm quite sure she will.

All she needs is a little push.

When you see some of those girls on television, honest...

You're right, Mrs Lapford.

I think... Tina, your Tina, could easily go places in a big way.

It's just a question of the breaks, as you say.

Now, I'm just wondering.

You see, I have a new show opening at the Winter Garden, actually.

The Winter Garden? Have you? - Yes.

Yes. You see, it's an expensive show.

Doreen Maine and thousands of pounds' worth of costumes.

It's quite a proposition.

It just might be the right break for Tina.

You're late. - I'm sorry. I got held up.

I had to see a man about some scenery. - Why'd you want to meet me in this dump?

Well, I thought we might have a drink in the caravan.

What caravan?

I'll show you.

Friend of mine owns a site.

There.

I thought we could be alone for the afternoon.

OK?

OK.

Don't worry.

How do you feel? - I feel...

Happy, I suppose. - So do I.

I've never been as happy as this. Have you?

No, I don't think I have.

I've only ever had a young boyfriend.

Not used to the old crocks, then? - Oh, don't be so daft.

I mean, I've never made love. Not like this afternoon.

Haven't you?

Do you think I'm in love with you, Archie?

You tell me. - Yes.

Yes, I think I must be.

What was your wife like, Archie?

She was, uh...

a bit difficult to describe.

Didn't you get on very well?

Well, yeah, well...

She, uh... didn't really...

approve of the way I carried on, you see.

What do you mean? - Well, uh...

She didn't think I took life seriously.

Why should you take life seriously? What good does it do you?

I think you look smashing when you're on the stage.

Where are your children, then? - The girl's in London.

One of the boys is in the army.

Hey.

What time have we got to meet your mum and dad?

Oh, half past five. - Yeah...

I'd better get dressed, hadn't I? - Yeah.

I can't wait to be in the new show, Archie.

Dad'll help with the money side.

He's driving over especially today to talk about it.

So don't worry. Mum'll fix that.

Oh, Archie. You make me feel so good.

You do, really.

There's something...

I don't know... marvellous about you.

Did you ever want to get married again? - No.

Never met anyone, I suppose. - That's right.

Here is a summary of the news. First, the Middle East.

The War Office spokesman announced this afternoon

that Sergeant Michael Rice was being released almost immediately

after negotiations which began at 11 o'clock this morning.

Sergeant Rice is reported to be fit and well. An allocated aircr...

What is it, eh?

Tell me, Archie. What is it?

What?

What's that that makes you so marvellous?

Say you love me, Archie.

I love you.

Home in a few days, you know! I can't believe it!

I knew they wouldn't keep him. They wouldn't dare, not even nowadays.

Oh, I hope it's true and nothing will go wrong.

Oh, pardon me, Phoebe

but you do talk the most almighty rubbish I've ever had to listen to.

They say they've got an aeroplane standing by.

I don't want Archie to be disappointed, that's all, on top of everything else.

You should never build things up. You're always disappointed, really.

That's Archie's trouble. Always builds everything up. Always off on some new idea.

And he said... - Oh, I say, he's the limit, isn't he?

Wait a minute, he said... - I'm sorry, Archie. Go on.

He said, "Cat-Rice Inn? Why do they call it the Cat-Rice Inn?"

And he said, "Well, you see, it goes like this.

"By the time all the pussycats are finished chasing the electric saucer of milk

"it's turned into a rice pudding."

Yeah, well, that one's not so good, but I got it from my landlady.

No, really I did. I got it from my landlady.

It's not the only thing I got off her.

I haven't laughed so much for a long time.

Oh, say, you know that boy they've taken prisoner? His name's Rice.

Did you see the evening papers?

I heard it on the radio. How 'bout another cup?

I don't mind, thank you. - Hey, hold on. I'm Mother.

Now it's time we got down to business, as the bishop said to...

To the actress. I know. - That's right!

Don't worry about anything, Archie.

I'll see her right. You have my hand on it.

Oh, then the deal's all set? - It is.

Oh, thanks.

And Tina's happy. Aren't you, love? - Oh, yes.

Well, thanks.

Well, I've uh, got to get off to the theatre. I'm a working man, you know.

Why don't we all come, now we're in show business?

Tina can pick up a few tips. - Well, this is just uh...

This is just a little uh... summer show, you know.

It's nothing like the glorious shape of things to come.

However, if you understand that, by all means.

I'll leave seats at the box office for you. In my name, OK?

Thank you very much! - Bye-bye, now.

Oh, I say. He's a charming man, isn't he, Wilfred?

Now, Ada, this is just a business deal. - I'm well aware of that.

Archie?

I can't see you tonight with Dad here. It'll have to be tomorrow.

All right, love.

That... That wasn't Archie, was it? - No.

Oh, Jean, could you lend me ten bob? Do you mind, dear? Just till I get paid.

I thought I'd buy this for Mick when he comes home.

He's got ever such a sweet tooth, Mick. He loves anything like this.

It's a bit jazzy, isn't it? - Jazzy? No, I don't think it's jazzy.

I don't know what you mean by jazzy.

Mick'll like it anyway.

Yeah, look, take this. Archie gave it to me this morning.

I'll borrow that, then.

Now don't forget to remind me. I'll give it you back.

OK. Only I can't come, Phoebe, because I promised to meet Granddad at the club.

All right, dear. All right. - I'll see you later.

Oh, I'm so excited. Can I wear my orange dress with my diamond brooch?

Course you can.

My diamond brooch, eh, Dad?

You can't all get to the top. You can't make your own luck.

Me, I was always lucky. Always was. Mind you, I was good too.

Oh, I know you were. - Granddad. I must talk to you sometime.

Of course, my darling. What about? - It's about Dad.

Oh, yes. Later.

It makes you proud, doesn't it? - That ambassador I was talking to you about.

Sir Something Pearson, his name was. Charming fellow. Absolutely the best type.

Told me I was his favourite comedian. Barring George Robey.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight is a great occasion for one of our most distinguished members.

I believe he's just had very good news about someone in his family

and I'm sure you'll all want to join with me in offering heartiest congratulations

and in drinking his health.

Billy Rice!

And now I'm going to ask him to do us the honour to step up here

and sing us some of his favourite songs!

Look at him. You wouldn't remember him properly, would you?

Um, "The British Navy" in G.

- No, no. I don't want that thing. - Yes, all right.

# The so-called government We've got today

# Are cutting down expenses, So they say

# To save a few odd million, More or less

# They want to scrap the navy, Do they?

# Yes!

# We know they're broke, Well, I'm broke

# So are you broke, We're all broke

# As we were when Bolingbroke First sailed away

# But we've got the men, We've got the ships

# What's more, We've got the water

# And it's just as wet As in Lord Nelson's day

- # So... - # don't let 'em scrap the British navy

# Don't let 'em scrap our men o' war

# What do we care if the income tax Is twelve bob in the pound?

# We can owe it Like we've always done before

# Let Winston say ta-ta To all the tartars he adores

# But not ta-ta to all the tars That guard our English shores

# Let him scrap his high hats, Squash hats, straw hats and velours

# But they mustn't never scrap, No!

# They mustn't never scrap, No!

# They mustn't never scrap The British Navy #

# For I'm sure you'll agree

# That a fellow like me

# Is the salt of our dear old country

# Of our dear old country

# But when our heritage is threatened

# At home or across the sea

# It's chaps like us Yes, you and me

# Who'll march again to victory

# Some people say we're finished

# Some people say we're done

# But if we all stand

# By this dear old land

"Land of Hope and Glory"

Don't look sour, dear. - You'd look sour if you'd been messed about.

You'll get what's coming to you.

# The battle will be won

# Thank God we're normal, Normal, normal

# Yes, thank God we're normal, We are the country's flower

# And when the great call comes

# Someone will gaze down on us and say

# They make no fuss

# For this was their finest shower

# Yes, this was their finest shower

# So thank God we're normal, Normal, normal

# Yes, thank God we're normal

# For this was their finest shower

What do you mean? - You gave it all, my dear.

There's a new show, solid, backed to the limit. I've a new backer.

And now a request from Mrs Connie Morris

of Dover Hay, Kew Ferry Drive, Northwood, Middlesex

for her husband, Flight Sergeant Ozzie Morris

who is serving somewhere in the Middle East.

Mrs Morris says that her husband...

Sorry, Phoebe, I've forgotten my key.

You know, whenever there's a ring at the door, I don't like to answer in case

it's a policeman standing there with another summons.

There'll be a policeman at the door, all right.

I do hope Archie won't be long.

No, I don't think he will, Frank's with him.

Oh, Frank's a sensible boy. He'll see he doesn't stay out too late.

Archie's a fool to himself. Always got some big idea he's gonna make money.

A little while ago it was female impersonators.

We were going to make a packet.

But by the time Archie got started on it, it had all petered out.

Oh, well. It's no good worrying, is it?

It says on the telly that Mick's coming home and that's all that really matters.

Come on. Have a drop of this, dear. - No, not for me, thanks, Phoebe.

Getting low on the drink, aren't we?

Now, look, and you're not to have another one until you've had something to eat.

You've had nothing but tea and cigarettes for days.

Oh, no, I couldn't eat anything.

People've got to eat, dear. If you don't have something...

"People have got to eat," she says. Ha! That's a good one.

Well, you can't carry on... - "People have got to eat," she said.

Where... Where's he got to? - He's just gone into the kitchen.

That's not all they've got to do.

They've got to do a whole lot of things

a whole lot of things you don't even know about.

I know, love. Things have been tough.

You're a very sweet girl, Jean, and I'm very fond of you.

But you're not even my own daughter!

All right, Phoebe, I'm sorry. Let's forget it.

Don't presume too much. - Oh, Phoebe, please, I just said...

Don't presume too much! - Let me get you some tea.

Why doesn't Archie come back?

You'd think he'd come back here and celebrate

after hearing his son was safe and on his way home.

I don't know. You people...

Oh, Phoebe, don't let's have a row, and over nothing. It's silly.

It's not silly. Anyway, who said we were having a row?

All I said was that I wasn't hungry. And you start getting at me!

I wasn't getting at you. - I can't even...

You don't know, you don't know what it's like.

We've lived on penny pieces of bacon from the butchers

and what we've got from the tribunal.

You're all alike. - Frank, we should have stayed, I told you.

Archie, I'm talking to Jean. - Yes, dear.

I thought that's what you were doing. I sized up the situation in a flash.

Oh, it's easy for people like you to make fun.

I left school when I was 12 years old.

Cripes! If she tells me that once more I shall get up on this roof

drunk as I am, I shall get up on this roof and scream. I've never done that before.

You had to pay sixpence a week, then. Some weeks my mother couldn't find it.

But this is a welfare state, my old darling. Nobody wants, nobody goes without.

All are provided for - I was scrubbing a dining hall...

Everybody's all right.

Young Mick's all right - I wish you'd both shut up!

Frank's all right, Jean's all right.

She'll make it up with old Graham

and forget all about silly old Trafalgar Square

and Prime Ministers who look like dogs downstairs. There you are, dear.

You don't understand. - Yeah, I know, I know.

Phoebe scrubbed a dining-hall floor for 500 kids when she was 12 years old

didn't you? Didn't you?

Have you any idea either of you

how often she's told me about those 500 kids and that dining-hall?

Oh, shut up! - OK, son. I'll shut...

Hey, pass one of those to Jean.

She looks as though she could use it. - I can.

You've been away too long, darling. Every night's a party night.

And do you know why? Do you know why?

Hey, look at her. Look at that poor, pathetic old thing there.

She's very drunk, and right now her underdeveloped, untrained mind

is racing because her bloodstream is full of alcohol we can't afford to give her.

What's he talking about? - She's tired and she's getting old.

She's tired and she's tired of me.

Nobody ever gave her very much in this world except me.

And my God, she's tired of that! Aren't you, my old darling?

You're tired of that, aren't you?

I tried to make something of myself. I tried.

I really did try!

I was nothing much to look at. I was a plain kid.

No, I wasn't. I wasn't even plain.

I was the ugliest bloody kid you ever saw in your life.

But I made something of myself.

I made him want me.

It was a long time ago.

Well, let's have a row, but, please, can we have a quiet row?

But they know it was a long time ago. I wish you'd stop yelling

I can't hear myself shout. Sing us one of your songs, there's a good boy.

- Where's the old man? - In the kitchen.

Billy, come out of there! You know you're only reading

and your Auntie Ethel's been on her feet all day.

What's he doing messing in there? He knows I don't like him being in there.

Leaves everything in such a mess.

You've been at that cake. - What?

You've been at my cake, you've been at my cake, haven't you?

I was hungry. - But that cake was for Mick.

It was for Mick, it wasn't for you.

I'm sorry. - I bought it for Mick

it's for when he comes home.

Why couldn't you leave it alone? - I just fancied it.

Couldn't you leave it alone? It wasn't for you.

What's the matter with you? I feed you, don't I?

Don't think you give me all that much money every week, because you don't.

Phoebe, forget it. - I don't forget anything.

We'll buy another one. - Oh, you'll buy another!

You're so rich. You're such a great big success!

What's a little cake? We'll order a dozen of them.

Well, I bought that cake. And it cost me 30 shillings.

It was for Mick when he comes home. Because I wanted to give him something.

Something that I know he'll like after being what he's been going through what he has.

And now that bloody greedy old pig.

That old pig!

As if he hasn't had enough of everything already

he's got to get his great fingers in it!

Excuse me, Jean.

Archie...

Well, I suppose he's had more out of life than any of us and he's enjoyed it.

Good luck to him.

All the same, you needn't have done that.

I'm so sorry, Archie.

Please try and forgive me.

Come on, love! Pull yourself together!

That's what we should've all done years ago, pulled ourselves together!

# Let's all pull ourselves together, Together, together

# Let's pull ourselves together And the happier we'll be #

That's right, chaps. Remember we're British.

Heil!

Don't look so worried, Jean.

You won't have to put up with this kind of thing much longer.

Phoebe, let's see you do your dance.

Hey, Jean, play something. She dances jolly well, don't you, poor old thing?

I wonder if she'll make me cry tonight. We'll see, we'll see.

Hey. Frank, sing us one of your songs, there's a good boy.

# When there isn't a girl about You feel so lonely

# When there isn't a girl about... #

Wait a minute. I'm just trying to re... um... um...

# The girl I love is up in the lavatory... #

No, Archie, no. Not like that. It's rude!

Hey, you sing it, Phoebe. - No, I can't sing. Not really

All right, then.

# The boy I love, He's up in the gallery

# The boy I love, He's smiling now at me

# Where is he? Can't you see? Waving his handkerchief

# As merry as a robin That sings on a tree #

Jolly good, old girl. - No, it sounded bloody awful.

This letter's from Claire. - Oh, who's Claire?

May I have another cup of tea, please. dear?

Just a minute. I want to read her Claire's letter.

I want you to listen, Archie, too.

Claire's my niece, the one that's in Canada. She's my brother John's daughter.

They're all over there now, you know, my brother John as well.

They started off in the restaurant business four years ago with $500.

Look, there's their little girl.

Now they have a hotel in Toronto. And they're going to open another one.

You don't have to look interested yet.

She's not interested in all that horse manure about Canada.

Of course she's interested.

Frank, dear, would you get me another cup of tea, please?

Look, I'm only trying to explain to her.

You see, they've got this one hotel in Toronto.

Now they're opening one in Ottawa.

My brother John manages the hotel in Toronto for them

and now they want us to go out there

and for Archie to manage the hotel in Ottawa.

What do I know about hotels? All I've ever lived in is digs.

You see, he gets cross if I mention it.

For God's sake, don't say I get cross if you mention it once more.

You've mentioned it, haven't you? And I'm not cross.

I just think it's a bloody pointless idea.

Anyway, you can't get Draught Bass in Canada.

I'm going to the theatre. - Will you be back for dinner, Archie?

No, I don't think so. I'll grab a bite somewhere.

Hey, Jean, why don't you bring some fish and chips to the old dump?

Remember, when you were a kid? - Yeah.

I'll bring the champagne. - All right.

I don't often see my little daughter, do I? Ta-ta.

Bye.

You know, he doesn't like me talking about it.

But says we needn't decide for another month or two.

What about the boys? - They can come too if they want.

I don't know about Mick, but Frank likes the idea, don't you, Frank?

Do you, Frank? - Well, take a look around you.

Can you think of any good reason for staying in this cosy corner of Europe?

Who are you?

You're nobody.

You're nobody, you've no money and you're young.

And when you end up, it's pretty certain you'll still have no money

you'll still be nobody and the only difference is you'll be old.

You know, sometimes I think you're the only really sensible one of any of us.

Here we are. Champagne.

Remember when I picked you up at the bottom here?

You'd been a very naughty little girl on the toboggan.

Phoebe seems very keen on Canada idea. - Yeah.

I went to Canada during the war. - I remember.

Couldn't get Draught Bass, not even in Toronto.

Seemed to think that was pretty English.

Didn't seem very English to me.

Hey, can't get over you and that Trafalgar Square.

Did you really believe in all that?

Well, I thought I did at the time.

Like me and Draught Bass and women, eh?

Are you meeting someone? - Hey, no. Well, uh...

Just a man about some scenery. Got half an hour.

Phoebe seems set her heart on it.

Your mother...

Your mother caught me in bed with Phoebe.

I didn't know.

Well, I don't know what I really expected

but somehow I expected you to say more than that.

Yeah...

You'd...

You'd just been born.

And your mother caught poor old Phoebe and me together.

Poor old Phoebe. She's never even enjoyed it very much.

Anyway, your mother walked out.

She walked out just like that.

She was what you'd call a person of...

a person of principle.

You mean, you didn't love my mother?

Yes. I loved her.

I was in love with her.

Whatever that may mean.

Anyway, a few months later she was dead. That was that.

Hey. tell me something. Will you?

I want you to tell me something. - Mm.

Well, what would you say...

to a man of my age...

marrying a girl of...

about... your age?

Oh, Dad!

You're not serious.

You couldn't.

You couldn't do a thing like that to Phoebe.

You've been away from your old man a bit too long, haven't you?

Hey, oh, my scenery man. Got to go. - Where are you meeting him?

What? At the Rockcliffe. - Well, I'll walk down with you.

No, no. Don't uh, don't bother. I'm in a bit of a rush, you see.

Here, I tell you what, why don't you take old Phoebe to the pictures, eh?

Here you are, love. Thanks. Don't follow me.

Hey, what's the matter, Jean?

It's Archie.

What is it now? - A girl.

Well, that's nothing new. - He's thinking of marrying this one.

I don't believe it. - It's true.

What about Phoebe? - Exactly.

Who is it?

Oh, she was... she was in the bathing beauty competition.

Tina Lapford.

She won second prize.

She's the daughter of some bakery people in Burnley.

They must be quite well off.

Here's the end of the ride.

Come along, my dear.

Let me help you down, my darling. - Thank you, Granddad.

You know, I wonder... - Mm?

You know, he was with her and her parents yesterday at Stocks' Café.

Do you suppose that he's pretending we don't exist?

I don't know.

Her parents are here, you say? - Mm.

They're staying at the holiday camp with her. It's part of the prize.

Damn waste of money. Town Hall pays and shoves it all on the rates.

Oh, Granddad, will you walk down to the station with me to meet Graham?

No, you'll want to be alone, my darling. - No, I'd love you to come.

I've got some business to do.

Bye-bye, Jean.

Bye.

Can I speak to Mrs Lapford? - I'll find out if she's in the camp, sir.

Calling Mrs Lapford. Please go to reception, where friends are waiting.

Mrs Lapford? Well, that's me.

What can I be wanted for?

I wonder what they could want, Mother.

Hang on. I can hear him coming now.

Call, Mr Rice. - Not now, old boy, Jackie.

She's called twice. A female named Lapford.

Could I have your autograph? - Shh!

Hello? Archie Rice speaking.

Yes.

No. Look, wait a minute, just a minute. I don't understand. What's wrong?

I don't understand. There's evidently some misunderstanding.

Well, look uh...

Don't be a cow. Don't stand there. Get out!

No, no, dear, I'm sorry. Look.

Let me ring back, will you?

What do you mean, the last time? It's ridiculous.

Well, is Tina there?

Oh, can I speak to her, please? Why not?

Who? Who's been telling you all this?

Who?

I... I'm sure... He... he couldn't have...

Go on stage, on stage, everybody!

He couldn't have understood.

Listen, Mrs Lapford.

I want her...

I want her... I meant it, I want her in the show and I want her to be the star.

And I want her too. Tell her that.

No, no, no, you can't. I'm depending on you. You promised.

All, everything's fixed up. I've paid out cheques.

Yes.

Yes, it's true.

Seven years ago, that's right.

Yeah, still in the receivers.

Well, you didn't ask me.

Well, but, for God's sake, give me some time.

No, but... at least let me come and see you.

On stage.

Mr Rice, could I have your autograph? You look so daft.

- Archie, that was Mrs Moneybags, wasn't it? - Shut up!

You've mucked it up, haven't you? I said you've mucked it up!

- God, Archie Rice, you need a keeper. - What's the matter?

Dad, what's the matter?

Shut up. Shut the door. Will you shut the door?

Just a second.

Hey, John. - Yes?

Here, take these costumes down to the girls for me.

Check the board and tell Charlie to keep going.

Be about two minutes, OK?

Got all that? - Yep.

Dad, what's got into you? - Well, that's it. That's it.

Who do you think narked? Shopped me? Eh? Grassed?

I better get used to prison language. - What are you talking about?

The show. The old man, the old man.

My old man, Billy Rice. Old-time favourite. Nobody else.

What do you mean? - The show, the new show, it's all finished.

What's Granddad got to do with that? - Well, there's no time to explain that now.

Hey, better get on the blower to everybody, everybody concerned.

Make all cancellations. Every single thing. - Yeah.

Oh no, it's too late now. You better send wires, see? Send wires.

Harold, does Harold know? - Oh, God, no.

Look, tell Harold... Get Harold...

Tell you what, get him on the blower for me as soon as I come off after the first act.

- Curtain up! - Yeah, OK. Curtain up.

Have to ask you about the show, Archie. - What happened, Archie?

- He's still with us. That's something. - Archie, will you not be doing the new show?

Just give me a chance. - You had your chance, mate. And ours.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Does he think he's funny?

INAUDlBLE DIALOGUE

Shut up!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Archie Rice is the name.

Archie Rice, Mrs Rice's favourite boy.

Now, we're going to entertain you for the next two and a half hours...

half hours... half hours... half hours... Whoo!

Tell your father I want to see him. I'll be in his dressing room.

All right, Granddad.

Now I'm going to introduce to you, it's my pleasure to introduce you

to that great little act, Beryl and BoBo, The Trampoline Tramps.

Boys. Back in a while.

You swine. These poor kids have turned down other work for you.

Listen, kids, I'm gonna try and see what I can do.

We know what you can do.

We'll have it for this, I'll get lawyers and I'll...

What about you lot? Not interested? - He didn't want us anyway.

Look, take your spoon out of the mixing bowl, Renee Baxter, and get ready.

I don't care about the bloody money, but I'm owing the bookie 15 quid.

No. Look here, be a pal. Be a pal and forget it, would you?

How can I forget it? I took your check and I've paid it in..

You paid it in? - Yes, Of course I have.

When?

In the afternoon. And I've made out payments on the strength of it too.

You'd better think about... - OK, Harold.

Granddad's arrived. He's gone into your dressing room.

For what, he...? Look...

Wire uh... Jimmy Collins. "Cancel shoes order. Snags. Archie."

And try and get... Try and get Lennie again. - Archie!

Not now, dear. - It's not fair, Frank!

Why, to think...! Why did he have to...!

Frank, I've lost one of me scallops. - What is it?

Well, you'll have to turn sideways then, dear.

Archie, before you say anything

I had to do it to stop you making a total fool of yourself.

You stopped me. Congratulations. - I didn't know there was anything more to it

this financial thing.

I like that phrase. "This financial thing".

I'll make it up to you, Archie, I promise.

I realise I've put you in a bit of a spot with the new show.

"Bit of a spot." - Look, Archie, I've had an idea.

I'll come in with you. How's that?

You mean to jail, dear? - My name's still worth something.

We'll give 'em the old songs. People still want them, you know, Archie?

What about it, son? What do you say?

God help you. - Archie...

Listen, Frank. Maybe you can understand. His mind's going.

Look, I'm an undischarged bankrupt, see?

I do everything in my wife's name.

But just this once I signed the cheques myself

for very obvious reasons.

Cripes, Archie! You really are... - Archie, listen.

Listen, son. Just no more interference. Yes? Thank you.

I've got a few pounds in the post office.

- You're on again. - Right.

It's not much, mind you, but it's a few pounds.

I'd like you to have it.

I didn't mean it. Doesn't he know?

I didn't mean it.

# Why should I care?

# Why should I let it touch me?

# Why shouldn't I

# Sit down and try to Let it pass over me?

# Why should they stare?

# Why should I let it get me?

# What's the use of despair

# If they call you a square?

# You're a long time dead... #

Thank you.

Thanks.

He's a bit down tonight. - Is he?

Seems all right to me. - Does he?

I'm not much in the mood for a show, I suppose.

What happened about the Africa job?

I turned it down. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Something like it'll turn up again. Something like you might not.

I can't leave here yet. I'm too involved.

You do understand, don't you? - I'm beginning to.

Whatever it is, you're up to your ears in it, aren't you?

I'm not much help, am I? - You've been very patient. I don't know why.

Because I love you. That's why.

You'd still rather

I went back to London tonight? - Yes, please.

It's not that I don't want you to stay, but...

there's something I've got to see Dad about.

Would you like me to come with you? - No, I'd rather you didn't.

Not tonight.

All right.

That she'd steal your knickers and sell them for dusters.

Now, Mrs Robertson, Mrs Robertson - Jean!

Number 7, Claypit Lane, always used to say that.

What are you talking about, you bloody right-wing old poop?

Don't you talk to your father like that.

I may be an old poop maybe, but not right-wing.

Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?

Honey, your dad's a bit slewed, honestly. - I don't want any.

Frank, I want to talk to Dad.

I'm talking to Frank about my landlady in Claypit Lane.

You see, she always used to remind me

of a bloke I used to know. - Dad, I want...

Listen, this'll interest you, you see, because it's Prime Ministers and dogs

Dad, I want to talk to you about Phoebe!

Look, he was Irish, you see, and he did a trampoline act

and we all used to call him Lady Rosie Bothways.

# The end of me old cigar #

Oh, shut up, Frank!

What's the matter with you, Archie?

Don't you care what's going to happen to Phoebe?

Jeannie, love. Shall I tell you something?

All my life I've been searching for something.

I've been searching for a Draught Bass you could drink all evening

without running off every ten minutes

that you could get drunk on without feeling sick, and all for fourpence.

Now, the man who could offer me that would really get my vote.

He really would.

Oh, he's funny.

And Archie, you're a bit of a bastard, you really are.

Go on, insult me. I don't mind. - Oh, don't start being humble.

What's the matter with her? - Don't ask me, son, don't ask me.

I've never solved a problem in my life.

You can't hurt yourself any more, can you, not even by hurting other people?

Why don't you leave your old man alone? - That's right

why don't you leave your old man alone?

I'd like to tell you the truth about your father.

He doesn't give a damn about anyone! He's two pen'orth of nothing!

I'd say that sums me up pretty well. - Why don't you leave him alone.

Don't you know what he's trying to do? He wants to divorce Phoebe.

What's going to happen to her?

Laugh, darling heart. You can't change anybody.

But have you seen her, this girl he wants to marry?

I caught them together yesterday at Stocks' Café.

She, she's a professional virgin.

Oh, my God, if you're going to start that, I'm going home.

She's pretty, she's spoilt, she's vain and she's stupid.

And her parents are probably stupid too.

How old is she? 20? - 20.

I suppose you think you're going to get them to put up money for this new show.

That was the idea! - What do you mean "was the idea"?

Well, you see, Jeannie, love, before you started uh, getting fussed about it

old Billy went and did something, you see?

He went and saw my little girlfriend's parents and uh...

he uh... told them.

Unfortunately he did not realise that

in the meantime I had signed a few cheques, you see.

He scotched it? - Oh, yes. Completely.

So you needn't worry, Jeannie, love. I mean, about Phoebe, anyway.

Old Archie isn't going to get his oats after all.

"Why Should I Care"

Dad...

Yeah?

Oh, I...

You're like your mother.

She always felt everything very deeply.

Much more deeply than I did.

You're what they call a... sentimentalist.

What are you talking about now? - HE LAUGHS I know.

You think I'm just a tatty old music-hall actor.

But you know, when you're up here...

When you're up here...

you think you love all those people around you out there.

But you don't.

You don't love them...

like...

Oh, if you learn it properly you get yourself a technique.

And smile, darn you, smile and look the friendliest, jolliest thing in the world.

But you'll be just dead and used up.

Just like everybody else.

See this face?

This face can split open with warmth and humanity.

It can sing.

Tell the worst, unfunniest stories in the world

to a great mob

of dead... drab... erks.

And it doesn't matter.

It doesn't... It doesn't matter because look.

Look at my eyes.

I'm dead behind these eyes.

I'm dead.

Just like the whole damn shoddy lot out there.

Hey.

Did I ever tell you the most moving thing I ever heard?

Oh, Dad... - No, no, it's not a gag. No, honest, I...

It was when I was in Canada. I used to slip over the border sometimes

and one night I heard some Negress singing in a bar.

If ever I saw any... hope...

or strength... in the human race

it was in the face of that old fat Negress

getting up to sing about...

Jesus, or something like that.

I never even liked that kind of music

but to see that old bag singing her heart out to the whole world...

And you knew somehow in your heart that it didn't matter how much you kicked people

how much you despised them

If they can get up and make a pure, just...

natural noise like that...

there's nothing wrong with them.

If I'd done one thing as good as that in my whole life

I'd have been all right.

I wish to God I was that old bag.

I'd stand up...

and shake my great bosom up and down

and lift up my head and make the most beautiful fuss in the world.

Dear God, I would.

But I'll never do it.

Well, do you think you're going to do it?

Well, do you?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

I'll probably do exactly the same as you.

Of course you will.

Mind you, you'll make a better job of it. You're more clever.

Archie.

Aren't you coming home, Archie? Frank sent me here.

There's a policeman outside asking for you.

What do you think he wants?

It's the income tax man.

I've been expecting him for 20 years.

Don't look so scared, Phoebe, love.

Old Archie's drunk again.

It's only the income tax man.

The policeman's outside with Frank. What do you think he wants, Archie?

Bastards. The rotten bastards.

They've killed him.

They've killed Mick.

# Oh Lord

# I don't care where they

# Bury my body

# No, I don't care where they

# Bury my body

# 'Cos my soul's gonna live with God

Quick march!

They're giving him quite a send-off. - They say he'll get the VC.

What will they do, send it on to him?

Could I have a photograph? - Oh, please.

Who are you? - I'm the boy's uncle.

Could I have a photograph?

They've got a job to do. - And don't think they're not enjoying it.

- Are you all right? - Yes, I'm all right, dear.

No, look, I'd like to go now. - Just one last question. I won't keep you.

But I do realise that this is a very difficult, awkward situation.

Why don't you just... - I wonder

if you could spare me a few minutes.

All right, boys. Wrap it up.

Bum.

Now, about this story, Mr Rice - this is how I've angled it

"The background of a hero".

And I thought we could do something with those patriotic songs you sing in your act.

Well, that... That's...

They're my own material. I don't think...

How's the show going?

Eh? Oh, well... Well, uh...

People just sit back and stare at you. They just sit.

But London, that's the place.

You're not planning a comeback by any chance, are you?

No return to the stage?

He's retired. - Pity.

There's nothing like the old music hall.

Well, thank you so much, Mr Rice. Please accept my sympathy...

They look as if they're about to go now. - Now, understand, my dear

I'll pay all your debts, settle everything.

I'll see that nothing happens. - You're the one to persuade him, Bill.

Only you can do it.

Only don't tell him that I asked you.

Frank's all set to go, aren't you? - Yeah.

Could we have that? - Yeah.

Want some, Dad? - Yes.

Brother Bill. Admiring the view? Worth the climb, isn't it?

Frank's been telling me about Claire's letter, Archie.

I'm willing to help.

I'll pay all your fares and you can start a fresh life. The three of you.

What's the matter, son? You want to be a Mountie?

Archie, we could all be together. Bill would look after everything.

What time's the London train? - 9 o'clock, you old fool.

Who are we seeing? Rubens? - No, Klein.

Charlie Klein? - Charlie Klein.

What are you going to London for?

Well, we're just going up to see about a new show, you see.

Old Billy's coming up to make it look respectable.

Hey, why don't you come too? We'll see old Graham again.

'Afternoon. - Good afternoon.

Mr Klein, please.

And it's - who shall I say? - Mr Billy Rice, Mr Archie Rice.

Oh, yes. Will you take a seat, please?

Yes, old Charlie Klein's all right.

I used to know him when he was about Jeannie's age here.

Put him up for the National Sporting Club.

As soon as I heard the name Rice, I said to myself "Well, it can't be!"

Well, well, nice to see you, Billy boy.

How are you, Archie? Let's come into the office.

Honestly, you're getting younger and younger. You're looking wonderful.

Jeannie, love, wait for us in the pub next door, will you?

Won't be long, won't be long.

Well, uh... Charlie...

We all had our own style, our own songs, and we were all English.

What's more, we spoke English.

Ah! There you are, Jean.

We all knew what the rules were

and even if we spent half our time trying to make people laugh at them

we never seriously suggested that anyone should break 'em.

Well, what are you gonna have to drink, Billy boy?

Scotch, please. - Scotch all round, please.

A real pro is like the general run of people

Only he's a lot more like them than they are themselves, if you understand me.

Hey, Billy. See who that is?

Eddie Trimmer! Eddie, my favourite comedian.

Archie, I love your dad. He's such a sweet old man.

And still a first-class performer. Still a first-class performer.

It's gonna be great to see him up there again.

What are you doing? What are you going to do to him?

You're not going to put him back into the business?

It's our only chance. Klein wouldn't look at me, you fool

Old Billy's sold on this idea himself. - And you're going to let him do it?

Archie, you'll kill that old man.

Just to save that no-good, washed-up, tatty show of yours.

It isn't to save that no-good, tatty show of mine

it's to save your no-good, tatty Dad from going to jail!

They may not come in to see Archie, but they may remember Billy Rice.

Worth a try, anyway.

He wants to do it.

Look at him

poor old gubbins.

Top of the bill again.

# With your lips close to the telephone

# When they might be close to mine #

Well, here's to the Billy Rice show at the Winter Gardens Illuminations Week!

Have you seen the old man? - Yeah, he's OK. Jean's with him.

Has he been called? - Yeah, but I'll...

Frank, we're stuck! We're stuck!

Pour a bucket of water over 'em.

Uh, what about my mandolin here? Do you see a...

Oh dear, I've made a mess of this.

Oh, don't bother about it, Granddad. Wipe it off.

It's your face they've come to see.

Do you want a drink? - No, no, my dear. Not before the show.

Granddad? Overture. - What? Already?

Don't worry, Frank. I'll be down. - He's nearly ready, Frank.

Now, after "Put Me Amongst the Girls" it's my first change.

Yes, don't worry, Granddad. I'll have everything down.

Yes, of course.

Hello? - Good luck, Mr Rice.

Hello! Haha!

Once I get that old backcloth behind me I can hold them on me own for half an hour.

Here you are, Granddad.

I'll see those five-minute microphone wonders out any day.

Archie, did you realise what time it is? - OK, don't worry, now. No use...

He's on his way down now, Dad. - You see? He's on his way down now.

This needs something with a voltage. - Listen, son, don't be trouble.

God, is the overture on?

Don't worry, kid. You've got a good two minutes.

Christ, Dad! You look great! - Thank you!

Warn the orchestra. - Dad, he's not ready yet.

It's all right, love. You've got a good minute, don't worry. OK, up!

Break a leg, love.

Thank you, and the same to you, my dear.

She is a good girl. I always said to Archie

"Always be nice to them on the way up in case you may need them on the way down."

# Put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour, do

# You know I'd do as much for you

Are you ready, Granddad? - Yes.

Gee, and we're coughing better tonight, aren't we?

Good luck, Granddad.

# Put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly curls

# They'll enjoy themselves and so will I

# If you put me amongst the girls

Tell Renee to keep going. Get a chair!

What's the matter, Granddad. - It's my breath.

Brandy, quick, someone!

# Amongst the girls #

Renee!

What's the matter? - Look, something's happened to Granddad.

You've got to go on again. - What?

What's happened, Archie? - Stand by to go on again.

It's so hot. Yes, Dad, yes. Give us the bottle, come on.

A little smell of this. - No, I'm all right. I'm all right.

Go on. Do a reprise. - I can go on now.

No, Dad. No... Billy, Billy!

# Put me amongst the girls

Carry on. # Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour, do

# You know I'd do as much for you

# Put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly curls

I'm sorry.

Jean thinks I killed him. - You didn't kill him, Archie.

He was such a sweet old man. He really was.

Do you know who said that, Bill? Charlie Klein.

Charlie Klein said old Billy was the nicest old man in the business.

Klein's cancelling the show as soon as he gets a replacement.

I've booked your tickets to Canada.

I'm going anyway, Dad. So you'd better start thinking about number one.

Can't get draught Bass in Canada. I've tried it.

I'm not doing anything for you to stay here. Not any more.

It's Canada or jail.

You know, I always thought I should go to jail.

I should think it must be quite interesting. Sure to meet some people I know.

Oh, well. Just two more performances. Seems a pity, though.

I should like to have notched up 21 years against the income tax man.

I'll never make my 21st now.

Been fun to get the key of the door, somehow.

# Why should I care?

# Why should I let it touch me?

# Why shouldn't I

# Sit down and try to Let it pass over me?

# Why should they stare?

# Why should I let it get me?

Mr Klein.

Look, what's he up to, making out he can carry on next week?

He said that? - Yes, to all these people.

Yes, he did.

Look, I was meant to be in Blackpool this week

but I had to come all the way down here to fix this.

Well, I'm telling you, he's out. Finished!

# Why should I care?

# Why should I let it touch me?

# Why shouldn't I

# Sit down and try to Let it pass over me?

# Why...

There's a bloke out here with a hook. You know that, don't you?

He's standing there. I can see him. Must be the income tax man.

This show finishes tonight. - Yes, Mr Klein.

This show finishes tonight.

# Why should I care?

# Why should I let it touch me?

# Why shouldn't I

# Sit down and try to Let it pass over me?

# Why...

# Why should I let it get me?

# What's the use of despair...

# If they see that you're blue They'll look down on you

# So why oh why should I

Oh, well, I...

I have a go. Don't I, ladies?

I do. I... I have a go.

You've been a... good audience.

Very good.

A very good audience.

Let me know where you're working tomorrow night.

I'll come and see you.

Ghost lights up.

Take the front curtains up.