Original subtitles

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Well, it's raining and I can't get a cab, and I haven't any money anyway.

What the hell? He's probably just a nice guy who wants to help a girl.

Just some rich, nice-looking guy who will give me a lift home.

Yeah, that's all.

Nope, that ain't all.

Sherman.

Good evening, Mr. Rapzinsky.

- What is? - Is ietter.

Pick up and throw in garbage. Not on nice fioor. I, Rapzinsky, say this.

Sorry to take you away from your basement.

I know you work to keep the buiiding on House & Garden's "10 Best" iist.

Yes, Mr. Rapzinsky?

- Stiii making the noise. - What noise is that?

Tic-tac, tic-tac.

My typewriter makes that sound when i press on the keys.

This is how i produce the stories and the noveis i write. I am a writer.

- I got compiaint again. - From whom?

No matter. She say you make noise.

Don't make no more. I, Rapzinsky, say this.

Is that aii?

Then i wiii go up to my apartment. You can go back and sit in your tire.

National Weather Summary. Severe weather along the coast...

...Sunday afternoon and evening.

Towering rainstorms spawn strong winds, large hail and heavy rain.

Lieutenant, do you think Cole did it?

It could be Cole, I don't know. I do know that...

All right, all right.

You're surrounded, Vincent. Give up.

Rapzinsky? Mr. Sherman.

Yes. I think there's something you shouid know.

Mr. Sherman.

Mr. Sherman?

What do you want?

- I have to see you, Mr. Sherman. - Who are you?

You don't know me, but it's terribiy important.

Piease!

- We don't open the door after midnight. - We?

Woif and i. Woif is a Doberman pinscher.

Piease, it's a matter of iife and death.

Sit, Woif. Come on, boy, sit.

Sit, Wolf, sit. Sit, Wolf.

Someone chasing you?

I can't discuss it through the door.

- Are you aione? - Yes.

- Swear. - Yes, goddamn it.

Say, "As God is my judge, i'm aione."

As God is my judge, i am a iittie giri aii aione here in the haiiway.

Heiio, pansy! Fink! You rat! You fruitcake! Ratfink fruitcake!

- You iied about your size. - You iied about your dog.

How do you know?

Creeps iike you don't have dogs named Woif.

You have iittie faggy things caiied Pooky and Doo-Doo.

You have the wrong apartment.

Don't try to cop out. I got the right one and the right fairy.

- You're suffering a paranoid deiusion. - What?

You're extrapoiating from your sordid environment.

- If i weren't refined, i'd beat you. - You're insane.

This from a queer who peeps in giris' windows.

- What are you taiking about? - A rat who squeais to the super...

...because a giri is entertaining a gentieman friend.

- And accepting a iarge tip. - That's a confession!

You're a peeping Tom. The oniy thing worse is a squeaier, and you're both.

Look, i sense that you're upset...

You must have eyes iike a vuiture.

- If you'd ciose your window shades... - it's too damn hot.

- Friction, no doubt. - What's that? Some kind of dirty joke?

Friction. Oh, yeah, i get it. Something you wouidn't know about.

The guys you pick up are air-conditioned.

- I'm getting angry. - Gonna ciaw my eyes out?

- I'm getting angry. - Or get a boyfriend to beat me?

- I'm angry. - Where are you going?

I'm caiiing the poiice.

Why does this kind of stuff aiways happen to me?

Look, piease don't do that.

There's no point in crying. It doesn't soive...

Who's crying?

Why not return to your apartment...?

- That son of a bitch threw me out. - What?

- I said Raspinasky... - Rapzinsky.

- He threw me out. - Threw you out?

- You were gonna caii the cops. - I was...?

- Are you a parrot? - I said nothing about the poiice.

I said something was going on in an apartment.

Oh, why me? Or is it just giris in generai that you hate?

- Look, couid you cry somepiace eise? - I'm not crying!

You're getting my typewriter wet.

- You're creepy. - The keys wiii rust.

- Where wouid you iike me to cry? - Detroit?

Give me 5 bucks and i'ii go find a room.

Don't worry, i'ii pay you back.

I don't have any money. I was paid today and i didn't cash my check.

That figures.

Finks never have any money.

What about the money your friend gave you?

Raspinas... Whatever his name is, he took it.

He said if i gave it to him he'd cover up with the cops.

That was a despicabie thing to do.

Yeah. What's that mean?

- What does what mean? - What you said. "Despicabie."

- It means he's a rotten person. - That's his excuse. What's yours?

- What's my what? - Why did you rat on me?

- Why did you compiain about my typing? - That's why?

- I had a bad day. - You had a bad day?

I iost my job. I got thrown out. I'm broke. It's raining.

I'm stuck in a crummy room with a pervert!

- At ieast you've got your heaith. - Very funny. You're one heii of a...

Wait a minute.

- It's 3 in the morning. - You watched me with these?

You're no amateur peeping Tom, you're a pro.

- Not so ioud. - With the naked eye, it's just dirty.

When you have to work at it this hard, it's filth.

You ought to be ashamed! You're disgusting!

- Did you take pictures of me? - It's part of my work, my studies.

- Studying to be a gynaecoiogist? - I'm a writer. I observe peopie.

Writers write. Peeping Toms iook through windows.

Incredibie. I'm being iectured to by a berserk whore.

I am not a whore, you hear! I'm a modei...

...and an actress! - Now you've done it.

- We'ii both get thrown out. - I appeared in two TV commerciais.

- I've appeared in magazines. - Aii right. Shush.

- And newspapers. It's true. - Shush. Aii right.

Heiio. Hi. Heiio, Mr. Rapzinsky.

Yes, I know. I know.

Yes, it's 3:00.

A friend of... Yes, I will.

Where'd you go, tootsie?

Hiding under the covers from the big, bad iady?

Open this door, piease.

- Who's out there? - It's just me, Mr. Sherman.

- Who? - Sherman. Feiix Sherman.

- What are you doing? - I iive here.

- Where? - In this apartment.

Don't yeii at me. Do you know what time it is?

- Couid i ciimb through your window...? - Watch out!

Stay where you are. Don't come any cioser. I got a broom.

Look, i've iocked myseif out. Beiieve me, i'm compieteiy unarmed.

He's going to expose himseif!

Hey, Sherman, where are you?

I'm out in the haii.

- What are you doing out there? - I'm iocked out.

- You sure it's you? - Positive.

- Are you aione? - Of course i'm aione.

- Swear. - What?

Swear to me you are just a iittie fruit aii aione in the haiiway.

Did you hurt yourseif, honey?

I think i've got about a doiiar and a haif.

I'ii give it to you and then you'ii go away.

- A whoie doiiar and a haif. - Aimost $1.75.

- Now i can go to Europe. - What about the YWCA?

For $1.75? That Christian the YWCA is not.

If "I, Rapzinsky" finds out you're here, he'll throw me, Sherman, out.

Wouidn't that be terribie to get thrown out in the middie of the night?

I'm going to sieep. And i'ii be out of here tomorrow morning...

...because i don't want to iook at your face any more than i have to. Okay?

- Okay. - Where's your TV?

- I'm proud to say i don't have one. - I can't go to sieep without it.

- Use your set. - I can't. He busted it.

He came charging in and he ripped the cord out with his bare ciaws.

I've had this set eight years. Eight years next August.

If he hurt it, if any of those tubes or anything are broken...

...i swear, i'm gonna murder him.

What's the matter?

You expecting company?

This is an expensive creation. I sent away for it.

- Did it come in piain brown wrap? - It's a modeiiing outfit.

- You modei for the Boston Strangier? - If you're nice, i'ii iet you wear it.

Let's get one thing straight, Doris.

- How did you know my name? - It's written there.

Who gave you permission to read my panties?

Good night.

Hey. What were you gonna say?

Can you taik to me for a few minutes? I can't go to sieep coid turkey.

We have nothing to say. We do not speak the same ianguage.

Oh, come on. I won't hurt you.

- You don't have to be scared of me. - Do you mind?!

- Aimost caught you, didn't i? - Put down the shade and go away.

Why? You think you got something speciai?

- Got something i haven't seen? - One of the very few, no doubt.

You gotta get over this terribie fear of the opposite sex.

- Get out of here. - You iive in a sexuai twiiight worid...

Goddamn it, i'm as normai as you are. Let me rephrase that.

What are you so ashamed of?

- I'm not ashamed of anything. - Oh, yeah?

Oh, God. That's what i get for iaughing so hard.

I'm sorry i iaughed.

I mean, honest, cross my heart, i wasn't iaughing at you, anyway.

I was laughing at the situation.

I mean it.

I mean it, cross my heart. You're a perfectiy nice-iooking person.

Nothing wrong with you at all.

Hold your breath.

It never works.

Take 10 sips of water.

No good. You gotta scare me.

- I've got to scare you? - It's the oniy thing that works.

- You might hiccup yourseif to sieep. - It's a strain on my heart!

Stop fooiing around and scare me, or i'ii scream. Come on.

You're waiting for me to frighten you?

- Put me off my guard. - Off your guard?

Of course, dummy. Change the subject. Distract me.

- Okay. Nice weather we're having. - It's raining.

- It's warmer than this time iast year. - I was in Chicago then.

- Fascinating city. - It stinks!

- Do i have to hiccup to death? - I'm putting you off guard.

- I am! - You're expecting it.

I am not expecting it. Wiii you come on?

You're right. I was expecting it.

I'm going to sieep. I don't care what you do. Good night.

You dirty, heartiess son of a bitch!

Hey, you got anything to drink?

You got any Coca-Coia?

- Hey, Tinkerbeii! - In the icebox.

I couid die, for aii that pervert cares.

Nobody gives a damn about anybody anymore.

What's the matter with you? You crazy? For Christ's sake!

I toid you to scare me, not give me a heart attack.

Get your hands off me, you creep.

- Get her. - Up yours!

This mak es three.

- Three what? - Three times I've been on TV.

This could be your big break.

- What happened? - I know this is an imposition.

- What happened? - If there were any other...

What happened, Feiix?

Feiix?

We've... We've been evicted.

- Heiio. - I'm Doris. Pieased to meet you.

- I'm Barney. - I pian to take this to the courts...

Why don't you teii me about it in the morning?

Feiix?

This is a pecuiiar situation.

Doris and i met this evening for the first time...

...aithough we iived in the same buiiding.

I didn't have any cash, or we wouid have gone to a hotei.

To separate hoteis. Separate rooms.

You're straight, huh?

I didn't... Barney, you shouid have toid me you were entertaining.

We certainiy wouidn't have interrupted anything.

- You want to use the bathroom? - Certainiy not.

Thank you, though.

Thanks for everything.

Listen, if there's anything i can...

- Feiix. - Yes?

I mean, that's reaiiy your name? Feiix?

Is something wrong with Feiix?

- Kind of eeuuchy-sounding, isn't it? - I'm not famiiiar with "eeuuchy."

If you couid stretch your meagre vocabuiary to eke out a definition...

i mean, Feiix is a good name for a pet snaii.

Thanks. I know you're not weii-versed in etymoiogy...

You bet your ass i'm not.

- "Feiix" means "happy and iucky." - That's you. A happy, iucky snaii.

Thank you, Doris.

- What do you mean, "Doris"? - Doris, a heipiess, hopeiess hustier.

I got two things to say! One, I'm not a hustler!

I'm a modei and an actress. I've appeared in three TV commerciais.

Three? You must have made another in the eievator.

Okay, okay! Maybe it was two.

But i've appeared in many magazines and newspapers...

...and i have been in a movie.

And in between assignments, you're for rent.

I've oniy done that a coupie of times and oniy with respectabie peopie...

...under emergency conditions. It's something you wouidn't understand.

What is?

That i may be a prostitute, but i am not promiscuous.

You're right. It's a subtie distinction. I take it back.

You're an exampie of capitaiism at its most efficient. You take resources...

...add the cost of iabour and seii the product for a profit.

I didn't foiiow that, but it feit insuiting.

Nope. It was just a statement of the way things are.

Are you pianning to sieep in that position?

It's a habit i got from watching TV at night.

- You had two things to say to me. - I did?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I just happen to know what the name Doris means because i iooked it up.

So i guess you don't know everything.

You don't know what the name Doris means, do you, Dr. IQ?

Wouid you iike me to teii you...

...what the name Doris means? Wouid you iike to iearn something?

If it wiii heip you sieep.

The name "Doris" means "a Dorian woman."

- And what is a Dorian woman? - Beats the shit out of me.

Very nice. Do you want to turn out the iight?

- I can't go to sieep yet. - But i can.

Weii, you're a very fortunate person.

It's nice to be abie to go to sieep whenever you want to.

Once i do go to sieep, i do sieep very soundiy, you know.

Like a iog.

Like a corpse.

But it's very hard for me to get to sieep once i'm awake.

I had this shrink once who said it was because i was afraid of dying.

I don't know.

I think that...

i think that it... i got this... i got too much of this stuff caiied...

...adrenaiint.

That i got, you know?

See, iike when i'm iying very stiii, i can feei it, you know?

Sort of...

...going up my body.

In aii my organs.

My arms. My iegs.

Like energy.

Like eiectricity.

Like Lon Chaney, you know, in the Man Made Monster?

Where they experiment on him by giving him big hunks of eiectricity...

...untii he damn near giows.

After he kiiis someone, he's put in the eiectric chair...

...where they give him 50,000 voits of eiectricity.

This makes him mad as heii.

So he busts ioose, and when they try to grab him...

...they reaiize aii he has to do is siip them a goose and they wouid fry.

Can you imagine what that must be iike?

What is it?! Why are you doing this?!

- What's the matter? - I've been up since yesterday morning.

My body is yearning for sieep, desperateiy.

I have things to do today. I wouid iike to be awake when i do them.

I am not biessed with excess adrenaiine. I am cursed by the need...

...once every day or so, to ciose my eyes and to actuaiiy sieep.

"To actuaiiy sieep." You've got me so punchy i'm spiitting infinitives!

My mind is cracking. Soon i won't be responsibie for my actions!

- You're a tiger when you're aroused. - Please! Please, Doris!

I'm asking you, in the name of everything we hoid sacred...

...go to sieep.

I'm sorry, but i can't faii asieep without the TV on. It soothes me.

- How about a sieeping piii? - They're too enervating.

- Did you hear what i said? - What?

- I said piiis are too enervating. - Yes, i heard that.

- You know what "enervating" means? - Yes, I do.

Peopie think it means the opposite of what it means. But it doesn't.

- No, words rareiy do. - Do what?

Mean the opposite of what they mean. My God, i'm starting to taik iike her!

Hey, maybe you couid borrow a TV set from next door?

What are you doing?

Then there's no way to prove my innocence?

Don't worry. Before he died, the oid indian confessed.

He toid us everything. Everything?

Yes, everything about the money. They found it where he buried it...

...next to the oid cross on the hiii. And about Louise.

Louise, is she...? Yes, but she'ii never waik again.

Never?

At ieast, not untii next week when she waiks down the aisie with you.

But, Dad, I thought... No, no, son.

Your mother and i found her years ago.

A tiny thing she was, haif-dead with exposure, in Samson's Guich.

- Then...? - That's right, son...

...Louise is not your sister. But that's another story.

Just time for a wrap-up of tonight's headiines before we sign off.

The body of writer Feiix Sherman was found eariy this morning.

Autopsy reports show the cause of death was aggravated exhaustion.

And that's this evening's headiines.

Tonight's sermonette deais with God's greatest gift to man:

The power of sieep.

Sieep that refreshes the body and nourishes the mind.

Sieep that knits up the raveiied sieeve of care.

Sieep that seizes minister, priest and rabbi aiike...

...without regard for coiour or nationai origin.

This is FELiX-TV, the Sherman station, signing off...

...forever.

That was terrific. That was reaiiy terrific!

- Don't get up. - You must be a terrific writer.

- Piease don't get up. - I gotta get water.

- Did you write for TV? - Oh, my God, she's up.

- Did you write for TV? - She's up.

No, i never wrote for the iobotomy box.

- Did you write for movies? - No, I didn't.

- That's too bad. - They don't seem to think so.

I iove the movies. I used to go every night to 42nd Street.

But somebody was aiways sitting next to me, trying something weird.

- Ever try reading? - That wouidn't stop them.

No, i don't mean in the theatre. Did you ever try reading a book?

I used to read Playboy aii the time untii i got mad at them.

Why?

Weii, i posed for these terrific Piaymate of the Month things, you know?

- Yeah, what happened? - They sent them back.

I know the feeiing.

Hey, Feiix.

You wanna fooi around?

No, I do not want to fool around.

Okay. Want a drink of water?

I know this wiii come as a great surprise, but i wouid iike to sieep.

- Couid you teii me a story? - It's impossibie.

Just teii me a story and i swear i wiii go to sieep.

What kind of story?

You know, iike a good movie story.

Sorry, i don't know the story of The Sound of Music.

Oh, no. Not that terribie thing.

You thought it was terribie?

Four times, I saw that terrible movie.

- You must have reaiiy hated it. - Neariy kiiied my friend Eieanor.

In the baicony of the RKO 86th Street, now torn down.

- Yes? - It was piaying continuous.

No intermission.

- Get it? - Not quite.

Her biadder burst.

- There's a iesson there for aii of us. - What about my story?

- I pian to have a nightmare. Listen in. - The stories in your suitcase?

They are works in progress.

Read me some of them. I'm interested. I reaiiy am.

- You wouid not understand. - How do you know?

It has no beautifui peopie, no hit songs, no happy ending.

Maybe i can show you where you went wrong.

I went wrong when i opened my front door at 2 this morning.

Read me your stuff and i'ii never ask anything again.

I dig the sound of your voice. It's very enervating.

You know what that means? Oh, i toid you.

Come on, read me a story.

I don't want to read you my story.

Isn't there any other way you can faii asieep?

- I'ii read you my story. - Great!

I'm a terrific audience. I bet i'm asieep before page two.

That wouid be a compiiment.

"Scream. Chapter One: The City."

"Scream." That's the titie, right? Scream?

Yes.

- "The City." - That's a wiid titie.

Thank you.

"The city came to iife. The sun spit morning into Juiian's face.

Traffic's symphony responded to day's downbeat...

...as a miiiion souis wrapped in the cocoon of sieep..."

The sun spit morning?

"As a miiiion souis wrapped in the cocoon..."

The sun spit morning into this guy's face?

- That was the image, yes. - His face got morning spit into it?

- I toid you, you wouidn't iike it. - You said i wouidn't understand it.

I understand it, but i don't disiike it. I hate it!

- It wasn't written for you. - Who was it written for?

What right have you got to say a terribie thing iike that?

What are you yeiiing about? It's a simpie metaphor, that's aii.

That is not aii! The sun spit morning into this guy's face!

We didn't wake you, did we?

Oh, no. Not at all.

We thought we'd go watch the garbage coiiectors.

Get a jump on the crowd.

I'm sorry if we caused you any disturbance.

No, reaiiy. We pianned to take a drive today in the country anyway.

And since the sun has begun to spit...

...we thought we'd get out eariy and catch some of the morning drooi.

I sure hope i didn't embarrass you with your friend.

Hey, that's not his oid iady, is it?

He's a very nice-iooking person.

You know, you're not so bad yourseif. I'm not kidding.

Hey, aren't you gonna taik to me anymore?

Hello?

I'm sorry if i used aii that vuigar ianguage...

...and that you got bounced out of your piace.

I was so goddamn... i mean gosh-darn mad.

You had every right. Considering the facts, your conduct was exempiary.

You sure know some big words.

Language is my business.

- You okay in there? - Yes.

- What you doing? - Brushing my teeth.

Make much money at it?

Brushing my teeth isn't the attraction it used to be.

- No, dummy, i meant writing. - I don't write to make money.

But you'd take it if they paid?

Yes, but it wouid be inconsistent with my aesthetic responsibiiities.

I understood "with" and "my."

They wouid give me money to write their way. I want to write my way.

Weii, i guess they figure it's their money.

Yes, i think that's the way they figure.

Good night, Doris.

- Why did you do that? - This is a doubie bed.

I know.

I feei seifish sieeping aione in a bed...

...when there are peopie in China sieeping on the ground.

- I'ii just make it up again. - I'ii do it.

- I'm quite capable of doing it mysself. - Look, I un'made it. Ill 'make itl

- I said III do itl III do itl - Lool...

Dorisl

- You kind of get to me. - Come on, Doris!

- Baby, I am coming on. - I'm about to give you a thrashing!

- I dig tough guys. - Violence is not me.

I dig gentle guys. I know you want it.

- I'm not an animal. - You'll love it.

I'm not governed by my appetites. I'm an intellectual.

My life is governed by my mind!

- Look, baby... - I am not "baby," I am Felix.

I don't care about your past. I've been with guys who were AC/DC.

Goddamn it, I am not AC/DC! Can't you understand that? I am totally DC!

If you want to, just give me your hand.

Close your eyes and pretend I'm a guy. A guy with a really screwed-up shape.

Wow, that was terrific!

- I'll get it. - I can get it.

- I got it! - Let me do it!

- You're making it tighter. - I can do it. I'm used to this.

- Let me untie it. Let me help, baby. - Get it. Get it.

- Let me do it. - You're making it tighter.

Wait a minute.

- I got it. - Give it to me.

- Watch it! Watch out! - Shit!

Wait a minute. Just... Oh, you mother!

- Don't point down! - Wait. Come here!

- Easy! All right. Okay. - Here it goes!

No, that's not it. That's not it, honey.

- Give me a hint. - No, no. You have to undo it.

- Does it hinge or something? - Yeah.

- No, that's not it. - Do I have to say a secret word?

Can I please help? Let go! Don't tear it!

- Is this thing a decal or something? - I'll do it! I'll do it!

What do you think?

Do that some more. Do that some more. Come on, baby.

- Come on, baby! - I'm not "baby."

- Keep it up, lover! - I'm not "lover."

Yeah, come on.

Good, good, good.

Attaboy, attaboy. Yeah, very good.

Put your hand there. Under there, yeah.

- Doris, please! - Wait, let me get my leg over.

Doris?

Good. How does that feel?

How's that feel? Is it good?

Could you please refrain from talking so much? It's ruining my concentration.

- What am I, a chess problem? - Just shut up!

Doris, please! Please, Doris!

Come on, Doris!

- What's the matter? - Just a simple respect for tradition.

Anything you say, Mr. Sherman.

What's your last name?

Waverly.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. It's just that you asked me so suddenly.

Well, actually, I am in between names right now.

I tried Wadsworth for a while, and Wellington.

But, at the moment, it's Waverly.

Why do you keep changing it?

It's important for an actress to have a catchy name, you know?

Something that the audience can remember...

...and that sounds kind of classy. Don't you think?

I think it's important for an actress to have some talent...

- I got talent! - I didn't mean...

I got plenty of talent. Just because I don't talk good, you think I'm dumb.

Doris, I am telling you, you are not dumb.

- You're not just being polite? - No.

Well, you're wrong.

Half the time, I don't understand you. Those big words really bug me.

- Big words are not intrinsically... - Again! I don't know what that means.

- Why do you get angry? - Why do I get angry?

Suppose I said I spent time stoobulating. What would you think?

I would think that that shows you have imagination.

Not anybody can make up a word like "stubbulating."

Stoobulating.

The fact that you get upset when you don't understand shows your curiosity.

- Yeah, that's a great attribute. - Watch it.

Quality.

Hey, I really do like talking to you, you know?

Thank you.

I bet...

...if we had a good conversation, say, once a day...

...I could learn a hell of a lot.

There are aspects of life I could learn from you.

You bet your ass.

- Let me ask you something... - How do you like Washington?

Washington, you like it?

- Well, it's an exciting town. - Washington! Doris Washington.

That 's very nice.

Listen, Doris Washington, tell me something.

I can't help being curious about...

- No, never mind. - What is it?

It's none of my business anyway.

I'll tell you if it's none of your business. Ask me.

- You've been with a great many men... - None of your business.

- I understand. - Understand what?

- I didn't mean to upset you. - You think that could upset me?

- What are you shrieking for? - I don't shriek. I talk loud.

It's not okay! What'd you have to go and ask me a question like that for?

I was curious, that's all.

A peculiar thing to be curious about. How would you feel if I asked you that?

- I wouldn't get defensive. - Because the answer's not interesting.

- You're making this very personal. - I am? I'm sorry about that.

After all, the question you asked me wasn't personal!

"Tell me about the 5000 or 6000 guys you slept with."

- But, Doris, in your case... - In my case? Yeah, I'm a special case.

- I didn't say anything about 6000 guys. - But that's what you were thinking!

Right?

- Where are you going? - None of your business.

- Is the truth that disturbing? - What truth?

Why don't you ask what you really wanted to ask?

- What is that, pray tell? - I'll pray tell you.

You want to know how you stood up to the competition.

- You want to know if you passed. - Lf you say so, teacher.

- Ordinarily, I don't handle beginners. - A pro like you wouldn't.

I know what your next question would have been too...

...because it's the same dumb question every trick asks:

"Did you actually get a thrill after all the times you've done it?

A piece of wood like you couldn't enjoy doing it...

...with an honest, clean-living, hotshot citizen like me." Right?

Why don't I know better? How come I never learn?

I'm not gonna be treated like a thing. I am a real person named Doris Wilgus!

Wilgus?

Take your beady eyes off me while I tell you something.

Last night, I thought something real nice was happening.

You really seemed to be a nice guy and all.

But I'll tell you, I fall in love all the time, so it's no big deal.

You were nice for a while. You said some swell things.

So it proves you're a better actor than I am. I mean, actress.

You'd know more about that since your acting's done in bed.

Someone's gotta know what they're doing.

Sorry if I didn't measure up. Do I get graded on a scale of 10?

- Lf you accept fractions. - Know what you need?

- I'm not interested! - You need a psychiatrist...

...who might, if he has time, assemble the pieces of your jumbled mind.

- Bullshit! - A technical term from the theatre?

Listen, Mister Know-It-AII, I did my time on the couch.

- Well, if a bed isn't handy... - Very funny!

Anyway, that shrink was just like you, all talk and no action.

He said, "Do what you want as long as it doesn't make you unhappy."

So I did. I didn't pay my bill. It made him mad as hell!

Why didn't you let him take it out in trade?

Give me a dollar, please...

...if you can manage it.

Just so I can get a cab somewhere.

- Where do I send it? - Forget it.

- I won't. - You worked for it.

- Which is more than you did. - You can earn nine or 10 more.

I'll come back here. Your friend Barney will tell me.

Send it to Doubleday, 53rd and Fifth.

Is that where you work?

At Doubleday?

In a bookstore?

What are you, a clerk?

Hey, get a load of that! The bigtime writer is a book clerk.

That makes me happy.

- I'm glad something satisfies you. - Happy book-selling, Mr. Sherman.

Happy streetwalking, Miss Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

Maybe I'll come to the store and take a look at the two-bit book peddler...

...who will never be a writer.

- How would you know? You can't read. - I'll tell you how I know!

I know that you will never be a writer no matter how hard you pretend...

...because, goddamn it, the sun does not spit!

The clock's stopped with less than a minute remaining.

The Wolves, trailing by three, have a first down at the 25-yard line.

Stop! What do you mean by that, you stupid lug?

- Screw? - I beg your pardon?

/'ll ask him for one dress and / can explain to him...

...how /'m an actress and it'd be good for his business...

...for me to wear one of his dresses, and he'll give me one on credit.

- Could you tell me...? - What, mister?

- Could you tell me what time...? - What, mister?

- What time does Cycle Sluts go on? - What, mister?

- Cycle Sluts! - Yes, yes.

- I want to see Cycle Sluts. - Sluts now.

- Overcoat? - I don't have one.

You want to rent one?

- Let me put money down on a dress... - I'm not here to sell no dress.

If you're looking for trouble, that's what you're gonna find.

Relax, relax, don't get so twitchy.

Where do you think you're going now?

I think I'm gonna go in here for a second. Okay?

Okay, but I'll give you 30 seconds to get out of there. It's getting late.

- I gotta get home, know what I mean? - Me too.

You're a very neat person, aren't you?

Well, I believe a man's clothes are his most valuable possession.

Oh, boy.

- Bring her in here. - No, no.

- Yeah, to the room. - No, not the room!

- Don't try that, you slut. - Want some of this?

- No, no, / beg of you. - Hold her while / open the door.

No, no, pleasel

you'll stay in there until you learn some discipline.

What are you doing?

What's that for? What are you gonna do with that?

What's that thing? And what's that other thing?

Where do you plan to put that? Waitl Hold itl you can't do thatl

No, not with both of theml you can't, / tell youl you can'tl

Can you? Maybe you can.

My God, you couldl

I've got something to tell you.

What?

I don't know how you're gonna take this...

...but you got a right to know.

Know what?

I just flushed your pants down the toilet.

We close in five minutes. Can I help you find something?

Are you sure I can't help you?

We close in four minutes.

- I'm Eleanor. - I see.

Don't mean much to you, does it?

I don't think too much of you either. I don't figure what she sees in you.

- I appreciate your honesty, but... - You're a dump.

- A what? - The way you treated her...

Wait a minute. The way I treated whom?

- Doris. - Doris? I don't know any Dor...

Oh, Doris. I get it. Doris. Eleanor, you've got the wrong dump.

- They all say that. - This time, they're telling the truth.

- You want Felix. - You're not Felix?

Yeah, listen, they said downstairs that Felix was up here.

Well, he is.

- That's Felix? - Disappointing, isn't it?

- He sleeping? - No, he's dead.

- Come on. - No, he passed away two weeks ago.

But the folks here were so fond of him that we decided to have him stuffed.

- Hell of a good job, don't you think? - Cut the crap.

Felix Sherman?

I think so.

- What have I done to deserve this? - Not much, the way I heard it.

You're not...? Are you...?

I'm Eleanor.

- Eleanor. Barney, this is Eleanor. - Don't touch me. I got a condition.

Where's Doris, Eleanor?

I got a message for you. Doris does not want to see you again.

That's why I came. She told me to tell you...

...that she doesn't want to talk to you again or anything.

Even if you should see her on the street or in a store by accident...

...including where she is, right this minute, which is...

...having a ham sandwich at Riker's on the corner of Sixth and 57th Street.

Very good. You got it all out.

You ran all the way, huh?

- I was wondering... - Listen, l...

- What were you gonna say? - Go ahead.

I was wondering where you've been staying this past week.

That's what I was gonna ask you. Are you still at Barney's?

- No, I've relocated temporarily. - Same here.

I'm staying with my friend Eleanor. She's got this place on 14th Street.

- She seems agreeable. - Yeah, yeah.

Doris, I have something to say to you and it concerns both of us.

And if it's not...

- Who was that? - Got me.

- She said "Hello" to you. - No, she said "Woo-woo."

- Total strangers say "Woo-woo" to you? - Not until tonight.

- Now look, Doris... - You look lousy, you know?

- I do? - Like you haven't been sleeping.

- I haven't been sleeping well. - Tried hot baths?

Yes, I have. I find hot baths too enervating.

Enervating?

I made you laugh. One for me.

I want you to understand what I'm gonna say.

I have struggled for 31 years to establish...

- Is that how old you are? - Yes.

I have tried to establish the supremacy...

...of the intellect over the physical.

You ran all the way to Riker's just to tell me that?

- I didn't run. I jogged. - You could have sent a letter.

- I don't know your address. - You could've given it to Eleanor.

I wanted to see you again.

- I want to apologize for that night. - No, that was my fault. I got mad.

You were justified. I had no right in asking questions...

Sure, you did. You're a writer, aren't you?

Writers gotta find out stuff. If you don't ask questions...

...how are you gonna assimilate?

What?

I said, if you don't ask questions, how are you going to assimilate?

Assimilate?

Not bad, eh?

- You and your Vocabulary. - I got it at the corner apothecary.

- The apothecary. - Pretty impeccable, huh?

It's very impressive.

I try and learn, I mean... No, I try and assimilate five new words a day.

I figure pretty soon I'll be able to talk as good as you.

- Wouldn't that be something? - It would be wonderful.

It's always an advantage to be able to express yourself clearly.

Hey, lady, want to go for a ride?

I think it would be good for me as an actress too.

- Yes, language... - Hey, baby, what do you say?

Language is one of the tools of the actor's art.

- Get rid of the four-eyed freak. - I can do things I couldn't do before...

...because I couldn't express myself sussintly.

Succinctly.

- Remember, language is power. - I'll remember that.

- Sweetheart, we got something for you. - Would you excuse me for a moment?

Jump in here. Come on.

I beg your pardon, boys, but you are intruding on my privacy.

Felix, come on!

People are so touchy these days. You gotta watch every word.

- What is it about you? - What?

- Is your life always so volatile? - Who?

Volatile.

Volatile?

Volatile. Here it si, here it is.

"Explosive. Filled with energy." Yeah, I guess so.

It's because I'm temperamental. It gets me into trouble.

One time, I had a fight with this guy who wouldn't pay me.

- Pay you? - It's not what you think.

- I grabbed him by his smock... - Smock?

- Yeah, I was... - Why was he wearing a smock?

He didn't want to mess up his suit when he was on the floor.

- Why was he on the floor? - So he could aim better.

- Hold it! What was he aiming at? - At me. I'm trying to tell you.

- Doris, I'm getting very upset. - Okay, all right!

Oh, my God. Will you let go?

- Jesus, you got very strong hands. - Start at the beginning, step by step.

- It's not interesting. - I'll be the judge.

Well, this guy, a businessman about 50 years old...

...with an office on Madison Avenue that's got this long hallway.

- And? - He'd give me 50 bucks to sit...

...at the other end of the hall.

- Just to sit in a chair? - Yeah, in my raincoat.

- You sat there in your raincoat? - With my hands tied behind me.

I see. And what was he doing?

He was at his end of the hall on his hands and knees in his smock.

And?

I'd yell "Bombs away!" while he rolled hard-boiled eggs at me.

Say that again.

- He rolled hard-boiled eggs at me! - He rolled eggs at you?

- Hard-boiled! It wasn't much! - That's disgusting.

- Why? Why? - Because it's... I can't find the word.

Hey, where are we, anyway?

Hey, where are we?

Who lives here?

What is this place? Whose place is this?

This is the house of Mr. And Mrs. Weyderhaus.

They are the father and mother of Miss Ann Weyderhaus, a concert pianist.

She is also my fianc�e.

- You're getting married? - We went to school together.

We decided we'd be married as soon as I sold my first novel.

- When's that? - At this rate, next century.

- Why do you say that? - Who am I to argue with publishers?

- What do they know? - Something I don't, apparently.

You're awful hot, you know that? How do you feel?

- I think my hair is on fire. - You gotta go to bed.

- Felix has to go to bed. - Don't talk weird. It scares me.

- Felix is weird and he scares people. - Knock it off. I'll get your shoes.

I'll tell you the trouble with Felix. Felix went to a good college...

...and took literature, but he didn't learn anything about hard-boiled eggs.

Will you shut up about that?

- Felix has forgotten how to do buttons. - Lift your legs.

Felix will now lift his legs.

- Is there a thermometer around here? - Bathroom.

Point.

Hey, are the Weyderhauses rich?

Loaded.

Open.

Close.

This her?

Is this Miss Weyderhaus?

She looks partially attractive.

I can only see part of her face, but I guess she plays pretty good, huh?

She debuted with the Boston Symphony last night.

Is that where the family is?

How is she in bed?

I said, how is she in bed?

- That is none of your business. - No good, huh?

- Our relationship is not based on that. - What's it based on?

A mutual appreciation of the arts and literature.

- She doesn't want to? - Music is her whole life.

- Gonna honeymoon at Sam Goody's? - I don't want to talk about it.

They are very fine people. They have a very old-fashioned moral outlook.

- I know the type. - I don't think you do.

- You're not normal. - What do you mean?

Look, 94. You gotta go to bed.

- My body hates me. - Come on.

In you go.

- What are you going to do? - Light a fire.

- What if my temperature goes down? - Don't worry, I'll get an ice pick.

- Eggs. - What?

- What does it mean? - What does what mean?

What did you think about when he was rolling the eggs?

The 50 bucks I was gonna get. Same thing when I did that coffin bit.

What, I am horrified to ask, is the coffin bit?

Well, see, I walk into this room and turn the lights on...

...and there's this guy lying in a coffin, you know.

Hands folded, face all made up. Total corpse time, see?

Suddenly, he opens his eyes and he says, "Good evening."

And I let out a scream and that's it.

Fifty bucks.

Another guy wants me to wrap him in cellophane and crinkle him.

Then there's one that likes me to watch him while he eats a cucumber.

There's this guy who takes Polaroids of me...

...while this parakeet's walking around on my back.

Doris, you're a sexual Disneyland.

Well, it takes all kinds.

- I'm going to L.A. - What?

- I'm going to California. - Why?

Well, I haven't been doing too good here, you know?

That's where actresses should go. That's where the work is.

Just like you stay here because you're a writer.

- What's that got to do with it? - The city is what you write about.

- Like in your story, Scream. - I remember how much you liked it.

I've been thinking about it. I didn't get it at first.

Like about the sun spitting morning. But I can really see it now.

- You can? - Oh, yeah. Sure.

See, the sun, like a big face...

...here it comes, here it comes...

...real slow over the edge of the world.

And it looks out over the city and it goes:

See what Imean?

- What'd you do that for? - I'm not sure.

Would you mind doing it again? I wasn't ready the first time.

Don't unbuckle it. It snaps.

Listen, Felix, maybe you should take it easy. Get your temperature up.

It's going up. I can feel it.

Yeah, but you're exhausted, remember?

Parts of me are wide awake.

This could be very dangerous for a person as sick as you.

- I'm gonna stop any minute. - You do and I'll kill you.

- Do you think she's pretty? - Who?

Miss Weyderhaus, the concert pianist.

- Does she have a nice body? - She's very delicate.

- Oh, yeah? - Well, she's extremely fragile.

She got a sticker that says, "This end up"?

Not funny.

You think I'm pretty?

Yes.

I'm not, really. I just make you think I am.

How do you do that?

- It's a trick. It's hard to explain. - I don't understand.

It's kind of like acting, you know.

I mean, you gotta act pretty.

Watch this.

What about now? I look pretty, right?

- Right. - Now watch this.

Oh, that's amazing. That's two completely different girls.

- You're putting me on. - No, I'm not. It's fantastic.

What are you doing?

- I'm going to make you feel good. - I know what that is.

- It's gonna put you in a good mood. - I don't want to.

- Don't be such a tight-ass. - I'm not.

I merely believe that there are certain limits.

- I'll make you a deal. - Absolutely not.

Listen, a couple of hits on this and I will...

- Of course, if you're not interested... - Give me that.

This is to demonstrate I have a freedom of choice. I'm not square.

- I am, if I wish to be, perfectly hep. - I'm hip, you're hep.

How are you feeling? How come you and Miss Weyderhaus don't mess around?

I told you.

How come you and Miss Weyderhaus don't mess around?

I told you.

What, she's very fragile? She's fragile, right?

She's worried about her hands. She doesn't want to hurt her hands.

She could wear boxing gloves.

They're very beautiful, her hands.

- She oils them. - She oils them?

Like the tin woodsman?

Exactly. To keep them supple.

- She's an extraordinary human being. - She sounds like a drag.

Yes, she does.

- Is that a door? - I think that was a door.

Did somebody come in?

- Unless one of us went out. - Felix?

- That is a definite person. - Correct.

Felix, are you there?

- You're about to meet Mrs. Weyderhaus. - Mother, is Felix here?

- And Miss Weyderhaus. - Could we put it off for a while?

Anyone in there?

- They're understanding. Be yourself. - I don't have much choice.

Mrs. Weyderhaus, this is Doris Wellington, a friend of mine.

- Hi, Mrs. Weyderhaus. - My bed is broken and...

Ann Weyderhaus, I'd like you to meet Doris Washington.

Hello, Miss Weyderhaus. I've heard so much about you from Felix here.

- What's going on? What's up in there? - Mr. Weyderhaus, allow me to...

Doris!

What are you doing?

Jesus Christ!

That's "Bombs away."

That's the guy with the smock. You know, the hard-boiled eggs.

Where are you rushing? Jesus, you walk so fast.

- Where do you think you're going? - I don't know.

- Please stop following me. - I'm not. I'm just going the same way.

I want to be alone now.

- Will you let me explain something? - What is it?

You're depressed because you're not used to smoking grass.

- Yes, doctor? - And you've come down real hard.

The first time I got stoned I didn't feel human.

- I felt like a cockroach. - Kafka.

Yeah, like a Kafka.

You never know what's gonna happen. Be careful.

I'm going to be extra careful not to become involved in anybody's life.

- It's not good for them or me. - What about last night?

- What about it? - We made love. Wasn't that good?

You're confused. That was not making love.

- It beat the hell out of drying dishes. - What we did was to get a fast thrill.

One time is a fast thrill. Six times is making love.

- I'll show you what we did. Come on. - What? Felix!

Come on, I'll show you something. Come on.

Look. Look over there.

That's what we did, with just as little sense or purpose.

- Maybe that's what we're good for. - What?

Being each other's pets. Would you enjoy that?

- People love their pets. - You want to be my pet?

That's not such a bad idea. You could wear a collar.

- I'd have to lock you up at night. - I don't understand.

I could wash and bathe you. Say, we've already done that, haven't we?

- I could teach you tricks. - Don't.

- You could sit up, play dead. - You're scaring me.

What about retrieving? That's easy. Retrieving is an easy one.

- Stop it! - Here's a stick.

- Stop it, Felix. - Stick. There's the stick. Okay, fetch.

Fetchc! Go ahead, fetch!

- That's too tough? - Stop it!

Let's start simple. Give me your paw.

- I don't know what you want. - Be a good girl and give me your paw.

- I assimilated impeccable. - Good trick. I'm teaching you another.

I'm gonna have to send you to obedience school.

- Give me your paw. - Why are you doing this?

Pets do as they're told, otherwise they are given away.

Want me to give you to some family who'll beat you?

Just don't stand there, give me your paw.

- Lf I do, will you quit? - We make no deals with pets!

I'm warning you, this is your last chance. Give me your paw.

Hey, Felix?

- My name is not Felix. - What'd you say? I didn't hear you.

- My name is not Felix. - I don't get you.

My name is Fred.

The person you are staring at is Fred Sherman. Not Felix.

Fred. Short for Frederick.

Like Washington, Wellington and Waverly...

...Felix is one more pompous notion, one more hopeless pretence.

F is for Fred.

It stands for fake and fraud and...

Phoney?

And failure. Right, that's what it really stands for...

...the good old American failure story.

- Oh, Felix. - Fred, goddamn it.

Give me a chance! I can't just assimilate Fred all of a sudden.

Stop using words you don't understand. Use words indigenous to you.

You stop using words I don't understand...

...then maybe I'll understand what I'm not supposed to understand.

Where you going? Huh?

What'd you do that for?

- It was either him or me. - What? That was your typewriter!

The son of a bitch was trying to kill me.

Who was? What are you talking about?

Somebody tell me what he's talking about.

Don't turn around. Just stand there. Stand there and count to 50.

Do what I say!

Just keep counting.

Now listen very carefully.

My name is Fred. Fred Sherman.

What's your name?

Doris.

- Doris what? - Doris Waverly.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear that. Let me ask you again.

What is your name?

- Doris... - Yes?

Watch it.

Yes? Yes?

- Wilgus? - Wilgus!

What a nice name! It's very real.

Yeah, it's that all right.

I work in a bookstore. I'm a clerk.

I'm in line for the assistant managership.

- No kidding? - Yeah. Well, I work nights.

I thought I'd spend my day looking for an apartment.

That's a coincidence. I don't live anyplace either.

- What do you do? - I'm a model and an actress.

But I was formerly a hooker.

I was also in two TV commercials.

I thought you looked familiar.

I'm very pleased to actually meet you, Miss Wilgus.

Very nice to meet you, Fred.

Actually, it was only one commercial.

You still love me?

We might even find a place with a TV set.

- I never watch TV. - Really?

Yeah. It's too goddamn enervating.

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