Original subtitles

♪♪

It's early assembly day, and we all forgot.

We're gonna be late.

I have to be on time! I'm the first one to sing!

Ah, crap. They haven't had breakfast yet.

You know what? I remember a trick I learned from the bartender at the casino.

Line up four glasses so they're touching.

Got it. Get her cereal, get her milk.

Damn it, DJ! Spoons, man!

[ Silverware rattles ]

No. No! Darlene! Darlene!

I think we all know Mary's gonna throw that up during her song.

I feel terrible.

Today's Dad's birthday,

and I can't afford to get him anything decent.

It's not about spending money.

He just wants to know that you kids remember.

Make him something.

I did write him a poem.

"An old silent dad.

An ice-cold beer pops open.

Gulp!

Silence again."

It's a haiku.

You know...this...

could be worse than not remembering.

[ Sighs ]

Hey. How was the meeting?

Did you bring up that we need a new coffee maker?

They just fired me.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, what kind of coffee maker you ask for?

Oh, my God.

You're serious.

What happened?

Oh, after a bunch of... B.S. about overhead,

it boils down to them wanting someone cheaper.

But you created this whole thing.

[ Scoffs ]

What a bunch of soulless corporate jerks.

I don't want to work for people like that.

Do I still work for people like that?

Don't worry. You're safe.

And I get why you'd want to stay. You got kids.

Yeah. Thanks.

Actually, they said they were gonna make you an offer

to run the place.

Run the place?

Now they want me to replace the man

that gave me this opportunity in the first place?

What, they think they can just wave money in front of me

and I'll sell my soul?

Just for kicks, did they say how much they were gonna wave?

[ Clears throat ]

Pull yourself together. I'm gonna be fine.

Well, I-I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now.

Pretty much what you're gonna feel in a minute.

Uh, they told me that they were sure you would take the job

for half of what I was making.

Half?!

That's so insulting.

I mean, I didn't think I was gonna break the glass ceiling,

but I'd like to be able to stand on a chair,

reach up, and touch it.

Well, if it helps...

[ Grunts ]

...you can tell them that I think you're worth more.

Ah. That's really sweet, but they hate you.

Smart thing to do now is to trash you

and use your body like a trampoline

to bounce up the corporate ladder.

You've changed since you've been in charge.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody.

Uh, looks like some local vandals

got into your sign out there.

The Lunch Box is now "The Munch Box."

Dwight, can you give me a hand changing the letters back?

I'll do it, but it won't be the last time.

Wolfgang Puck has been changing that back to a "P"

for years.

I have a little surprise for you.

Who told you it was my birthday?

It's your birthday?

Happy birthday.

Luckily, I brought you a present.

Is it a car?

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh, what's the family gonna do for your birthday?

Nothing, I hope.

My idea of a perfect birthday is sing the song,

give me the beaded car seat cover, then go away.

Ohh.

Underneath that cold exterior,

just more rocks.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, Louise brought sammiches.

Yeah. And the bread is gluten-free.

I thought that might help Dan's joint pain.

Pass. Based on all the gluten-free things I've tried,

gluten is where they keep the taste.

That's really sweet of you, Louise,

but I don't think that Dan has a gluten problem.

Roseanne cooked him everything he wanted, and he was fine.

Roseanne was a hell of a cook.

You ever come here when this was Roseanne's place?

No, but I hear it was very popular.

Back then, I was pretty much always on the road with my band.

Yeah, Roseanne never went on the road with a band.

She stayed home and raised a family

with the love of her life -- this guy right here.

Married 45 years.

A marriage built on gluten.

Jackie...

could you go make sure

that Dwight is wearing his safety goggles?

If he hurts himself, I got to dump him on a union job.

I get it. You want to be alone.

Well, you're not alone.

You're with everybody she's ever been with.

Why don't you stand up for me when she does this stuff?

Look, Jackie's going through a really tough time right now.

She's fragile.

How fragile is she?

At Thanksgiving,

I watched her bitchslap the bejeezus out of Darlene.

I know it's impossible,

but if you could just ignore her...

She gonna be at your tree-decorating thing tonight?

'Cause if she is, I'm not coming.

Come on, Louise.

Mnh-mnh.

Dan, my bathroom time is my time.

You either talk to Jackie or put a lock on the door.

Darlene Conner?

Yep. Can I help you?

Carrie Langham, CEO of American Consumer Magazines.

Oh, wow. I was gonna come to you.

I didn't expect the big boss to come to me.

I couldn't wait.

I'm so excited to have a female publisher at Lock 'Em Up.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.

Yeah, I get off so much on empowering women,

I have no use for my husband anymore.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah. It's like an appendix.

No one knows what they do, and you can live without them.

[ Both laugh ]

While we're laughing,

I heard something ridiculous.

I was told that I'd be getting 50%

of what the previous publisher, a man, was getting.

I like that.

Women have to fight to be treated equally in this world.

It's the only way we get what we want.

Right?

But you're not getting what you want today.

Oh, yeah. Uh, tomorrow's fine.

I figured there'd be paperwork.

No, that number you heard is as high as I'll go.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, you said that empowering women gets you off?

I want to get you off.

Look, we're moving you up from copy editor to publisher.

I thought you'd appreciate a promotion like that.

Well, if I get promoted one more time,

I'll be volunteering here.

Look, you're either gonna pay me what's fair or I'm walking.

I got five people in line for your job.

You're fired.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I was just doing that whole fighting thing

'cause you said you liked it.

People grow, people change, and I don't like it anymore.

Women are so complicated, aren't we?

♪♪

Remember, run the cord to the neighbor's house

and plug it in the side, hide it in the snow.

Hey.

Check it out, Darlene. Good ol' Smokey the Penguin.

Ohh.

"Santa says a carton makes a great gift."

Great.

Crap. Mary got caught.

She's just a kid! She didn't know!

Hey, Smokey.

So...I lost my job today.

Can't support my kids.

Clearly, I'm freaking out.

I mean, I'm talking to a plastic penguin.

Hey, Darlene. Hey.

Hey, Becky. Mary: Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.

Hey, guys!

Does everyone have their Santa suits ready

for our pictures with the mall Santa?

I still don't understand why we dress up like Santa

to go see Santa.

Think about it.

They see Santa sitting on Santa's lap

asking for presents from Santa.

[ Imitates explosion ]

Since you finally have a good job,

can we get good stuff instead of something

from the "As Seen on TV" aisle at the drugstore?

Oh, Mark.

Christmas is not about gifts.

It's about what's in your heart.

They're screwing us again, Mary!

More decorations?

Yeah! Nobody was even guarding the tree in the town square.

I got all kind of stuff.

Look, I need to talk to you.

Tomorrow is "Santa on Santa Action Night."

I know! I'm so excited!

I got a new whoopee cushion sewn into my Santa pants

for when I sit on his lap.

I'm gonna blame it on Santa. It'll kill the kids!

Here's the deal -- since you can't get along with Louise...

...you have Christmas Eve and she has Santa on Santa.

What?!

Santa on Santa is important to me.

It means nothing to her.

I put my Santa picture on my Match profile!

Look, Louise is my friend.

I want to be able to see her

without you attacking her all the time.

So, I'm being replaced.

It's like this nativity scene,

when you replaced the baby Jesus with a Polly Pocket!

Come on, Jackie!

A Polly Pocket!

Okay, now that everybody's here --

Dad...

I feel really bad because I couldn't be a part

of whatever everybody was planning

for your birthday this year.

You know, because of the baby and all.

But I put a lot of thought

into this really cute picture of Beverly Rose

that I taped on a beer koozie.

Ohh!

Happy birthday.

You deserve a lot more than this.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I'm a little surprised you don't know me better than this.

As if I'd ever let a beer get warm.

Okay, who's next? Come on.

Yell "Surprise" so we can get this over with and eat.

Surprise! We forgot your birthday.

We're so sorry, Dad.

Mom always gave us a heads-up the day before.

It's fine.

No, I promise we will make it up to you.

It's not a big deal.

I'm gonna run out to the garage

and grab a beer for my new beer koozie.

I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not gonna run off and make a card like you remembered.

You're gonna sit here and feel guilty, like the rest of us.

♪♪

So, you were a bad daughter

and you were only a publisher for two hours?

Well, personally, I'm glad we're not dating anymore

'cause you're kind of a dumpster fire.

Well, since we're not working together

and we're not going out,

I guess I got no reason to come back to Chicago

and you got no reason to come back to Lanford.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hm.

Well, I gotta say...

I really enjoyed working with you.

Aww. And I really enjoyed working with you.

Mm.

[ Glasses clink ]

You're annoying, but...

incredibly smart.

Oh. Well, you're smart but incredibly annoying.

Eyy!

[ Laughs ]

And you were my first sex on a desk.

Oh, and you were my best sex on a desk.

Hey!

Well, you know what? I tell you what.

I'm gonna say --

I'm gonna say best sex on any office furniture.

Ooh, wow!

Ahh.

[ Sniffs, sighs ]

It is gonna be weird not to see you every day.

I mean, I tell you everything.

Who else is gonna listen to all that stuff?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Kind of looked forward to listening to that stuff.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Mm, mm. Hold on.

Um...

We're both drunk and sad and just looking for comfort.

Going back to your place

or just going to the bathroom here in the bar to have sex

is a terrible idea.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, how about I just meet you on the floor

after I fall off this stool?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, one more.

No, no, no.

♪♪

Uh, I need to talk to you.

I only talk to people who buy something.

I'll have two olives.

Dan thinks that you and I can't be

in the same place at the same time

because you're always attacking me.

What?

Are you out of your mind?

See, this is what we've got to work past!

We have got to get along

because I'm getting cut out of family events.

So, normally, I would come in here and charm you,

but Santa on Santa is tomorrow,

so say I'm your friend, and I'll go back and tell Dan.

No!

Do not make this my issue.

You're the one who's always had problems with me.

You're not that special.

I have problems with a lot of people.

On the house.

Look...

I'm not trying to take your sister's place.

Nobody could take my sister's place.

I know that.

But that doesn't change the fact that Dan is a great guy.

In case you didn't know, they're hard to find.

Oh, you think I don't know that?

I've been single for a long time.

I've had my share of losers and nightmares.

I dated a guy who lived in a tree house.

You know what's worse than a walk of shame?

Climbing down a homemade ladder of shame

while the neighbor kids throw water balloons at you.

How about a guy who took out his glass eye

and put it on the nightstand

and turned it to face us?

It's like he wanted to watch himself having sex.

Oh.

I would've married that guy.

Look, I don't know what you think is going on

with your brother-in-law and I,

but he asked me to take it slow,

and we are.

We haven't held hands, we haven't kissed.

Nothing.

Really? Yeah.

And he's worth the wait.

What is it that you think I'm after?

His, uh... his third mortgage?

His, uh...

his truck with that muffler tied on with a hanger?

His chickens?

Well, individually, it doesn't sound like much,

but when you put it together...

Look, I-I know you're just looking out for Dan.

[ Sighs ]

But don't you want him to have someone

to spend the rest of his life with?

Well, I don't want him to be alone.

Alright, well, I promise, if things move along,

I'll ask you for his hand.

I'll settle for you giving Dan a call

and telling him you're cool if I come to Santa on Santa.

Yeah. I'm okay with that.

Mm.

You know, when you come down to it,

Dan could do worse than you.

There's a lot of weirdos out there.

Yep.

You ever had a man ask you to diaper him?

As a sex thing or an old man thing?

[ Clears throat ] 'Cause yeah.

Oh, you hittin' and quittin'?

[ Grunts ]

Well, I got what I need.

[ Laughs ]

Look, I got to get home before my kids get up.

[ Grunts ]

This is really awkward.

I don't want to assume that last night meant something.

Um, we were both drunk and depressed.

Although, that's pretty much the only sex I have.

First of all, I prefer "making love."

Gross!

[ Chuckles ]

And second, my vote is, we keep it going!

Stay in bed!

We order food and keep making the love

until we're both 600 pounds

and can't roll on top of each other anymore.

Wait.

Are you saying that we're back together?

Yes.

I mean, I have no future,

but I'd like to share that with you.

Then hell yes!

[ Laughs ]

[ French accent ] And now, I will make-a ze sweet love to you.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey.

Hey! What are you doing up?

Couldn't steep.

What you watching?

A leg hair removal system.

Only four left. You gotta hurry.

Well, I am tired of snagging perfectly good pantyhose

on my stubble.

You sure you're not up because you're upset

about everybody forgetting your birthday?

Nah.

I know this family's dealing with a lot. I'm fine.

No, you're not.

Quit being so damn stoic.

Remember when I told you as a kid

to stop sharing your problems with everybody?

Yeah.

That's one of the reasons I'm an alcoholic.

Look, I'm the kid that actually cares about you.

You can tell me.

Fine.

It kinda bugs me.

This is the first time

any of you kids ever forgot about my birthday,

and it got me thinking, "What happens when I'm gone?"

So...

Well, after you're gone,

we'll probably stop celebrating your birthday,

because, you know, nobody to blow out the candles.

[ Beverly fusses ]

It's not the birthday. It's about being forgotten.

I'm not a kind of guy

that's gonna get his name on a building

or even a sandwich at the deli.

All I got is my family,

and if they don't remember me...

I disappear.

You're not gonna disappear.

Oh, yeah?

What's she gonna remember about me?

You've got plenty of years for her to get to know you.

No one's gonna forget you.

Dan, is it?

Everything we are is because of you.

How about I take the job of reminding everybody every year?

Fine. Do what you want to.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't care.

I'm fine.

♪♪

Ho, ho, ho.

Yep. We're back.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

This is our first triple Santa.

I get it now.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Remember last year, when I threw up all over you?

We're sober now. Yes, we are!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

So, the elves --

are they free to go, or are they slaves?

[ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Whoopee cushion blows ]

Oh, Santa!

[ Laughter ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I actually asked to be a part of this.

I'm so sorry.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Bounce me. I dare ya.

I have a gift for you, Dan Conner.

Your family's very sorry they forgot your birthday,

so they wanted me to give you this.

All: Happy birthday!

Wow!

An actual game-worn Bears jersey!

Who's Overbaugh?

Uh, Jeff Overbaugh.

He was the long snapper for a week in 2017.

There was only one other bidder, and he dropped out at 10 bucks.

I think it was Overbaugh.

I love it!

♪♪

[ Jackie humming "Deck the Halls" ]

♪♪

[ Humming continues ]

♪♪

[ Humming continues ]

♪♪

[ Humming stops ]