Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

(sighs)

Now I know what drove Scott Fitzgerald to drink.

What's that?

A little piece of paper that says

"You drained your soul into the typewriter for naught."

Let me see. Let me see.

It's from the Kenderson Literary Agency.

"Dear Mr. Ignatowski, although your submission

"was one of the most interesting we've read,

"unfortunately, it does not suit our needs at this time.

Therefore, we are returning your M*A S*H script herewith."

Oh! Ho-ho!

You wrote a script for M*A S*H?

I gave birth to a script for M*A S*H--

a great script.

Well, Jim, what was it about?

A simple story.

I'm surprised they haven't done it.

Hawkeye has to perform surgery on Colonel Potter,

all the while being disrupted by shelling from the North Koreans

and a Zaxalonian starship.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you talking about aliens from another planet?

Yeah, the Zaxalonians.

Their bodies are the size of a grape.

And here is where the switch comes in.

The queen of the Zaxalonians,

disguised as an earring,

falls in love with Klinger.

Huh?

Um... (clears throat)

Well, how does it end?

Comedy... tragedy...

and a statement against war.

And a pie fight.

LOUIE: Hey, Reiger.

Yeah.

Uh, Jeff told me to tell you

that he was picking up some shipment of yours

at the airport.

Oh, thanks, Lou. Hey!

I've got a surprise for you guys.

So guess who's going to be licking my face in 15 minutes.

Not me.

Buddy. You got it!

All right, Buddy! Hey! Buddy!

Oh, Alex! How come you didn't tell us Buddy was coming?

I would have gotten him a bone or something.

I wanted to surprise you.

JIM: Uh...name of Buddy,

licks faces, likes bones.

Buddy Hackett?

No, no, no, not Buddy Hackett.

No, no, no, no. Buddy's my dog.

I raised him from a puppy.

The last few years, I let my sister take care of him.

She's got this, uh, backyard and kids, you know,

for the dog to play with.

But, well, he's gotten old,

so I'm going to take him back

and he's going to come and live with me in my apartment.

You're going to love him, too, Jim.

Yeah. This dog's really smart.

This dog is the smartest dog in the entire world.

(both chuckling)

Now wait, wait, wait, Alex-- Alex, I mean, the dog is smart,

but I don't think he's the smartest dog in the whole world.

Oh, yes he is.

This dog is probably the smartest dog that ever lived.

Now, wait a minute, Alex.

I've known a lot of smart dogs in my time,

so when you say you've got the smartest dog that ever lived,

I have to, I have to, I have to call you on it.

Ah...

What does this dog do?

You point your finger at him like a gun, you go bang,

he rolls over and plays dead.

You must have stole him from a circus!

Ooh, I sure hope I don't get an assignment

before Buddy gets here.

Buddy? You mean that shipment you're expecting is Buddy?

Yeah. Your dog?

Yeah. The man-eater?

What?

I thought that wretched cur

had been dead for years.

Damn it!

I slept better thinking

that that mongrel was roasting in doggie hell.

He's vicious!

He's not vicious. Oh, yeah?

The last time he was here, he bit me.

You bit him first.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

I guarantee he's not going to bite you again, all right?

Oh, I don't know, Alex.

Uh, they say that once a dog has tasted slime...

(laughing)

You won't be, won't be making funny remarks, Nardo,

when that dog's got his fangs in your vocal cords.

Reiger, that dog had better be in a cage and muzzled

because he is a hound of hell.

He's a devil dog.

Oh, come on.

(Buddy whimpers)

Hey, Alex, here's your dog.

There's my Buddy.

Oh, Buddy. There's my Buddy.

Hey. There's my Buddy.

(smooching)

It is better to be back with me, hmm?

(door unlocking)

Hey, Bud.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.

(whimpers) (laughing)

How's my Buddy, huh?

Come on, Buddy, come on.

Come on, Buddy. Come on, come on.

Come on, come on. Get yourself up.

There you go.

How's my Buddy, huh?

You glad to see me?

Sure you are.

Have you been up to mischief today or were you a good dog?

(baby talk): Were you a good dog today?

(smooching)

Huh?

Aren't you going to answer me?

Aren't you going to answer me, Buddy?

Buddy, come on. I know you can talk.

Say, "Reiger."

Reiger.

(growling): Reiger.

Come on, the "rrr" and the "grr" are easy.

All you gotta do is put an 'E' in it.

(growling): Reiger.

You like it when I'm an idiot to you, don't you?

I love it.

Huh? Oh.

Oh, hi, hi, Simka. Hi...

(growls): Reiger.

I didn't even realize you were there.

Don't worry about nothin', Alex.

I not going to tell nobody about this.

If anybody finds out about this,

it'll be because Buddy can't keep his mouth shut.

So, uh, what brings you here?

Well, Alex, in my country, it's a tradition

that when a friend gets a new beast, it must be blessed.

Do I mind if I bless your beast?

Well, no, I guess the, uh, beast is agreeable.

(chuckles) Sure.

Good. Sure.

Okay, stay there.

All right.

Keps!

That's it?

If you wanted a bigger blessing, you should've got a elephant.

(clears throat)

Now, let's see this trick.

What trick?

You know, the trick that Elaine told me about.

You know, Alex, the greatest trick that a dog ever did,

the one where you, you point your finger like a gun

and you shoot Buddy the Wonder Dog

and he staggers, as though mortally wounded,

and then he spins around

as if he's dying a slow, agonizing death

until he shudders, collapses, breathes his last breath,

falls over on his back,

kicks all four legs up into the air and dies.

Oh, that trick.

No, uh, I-I think it's been exaggerated.

I mean, basically, what I do is I point my finger at him

and he just lies down on the floor.

All right, I'm flexible.

Well, well, you see, I, I've been trying to get him to do it

all day, but somehow I think he's forgotten it.

But, you know, he's an old dog. He's 19 years old.

You know how old that is in dog years?

Yeah, that's about 600.

It's 133.

I said "about."

(laughs)

What about this trick, Alex?

Huh?

Are you trying to change the subject?

Okay, the trick.

Yeah! Okay.

Come here, Buddy. Come here.

There, just stay right there.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

There's a good dog.

Buddy, watch up now.

(both chuckling)

(hums "William Tell Overture")

Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear.

Look out, Buddy! There's one on the roof behind you.

Look out! You can't see him!

Oh! It's too late.

Bang!

Oh... (sobs)

What's wrong?

Oh, Alex.

You got such a stupid beast!

ALEX: So what's the matter with Buddy, Doc?

Uh, Alex,

a dog is like an automobile.

No matter how well you take care of it,

eventually, the parts will wear out.

It breaks down.

Now, in a newer car, it's usually just a,

just a fan belt or a battery.

But in an older car, it's more likely to be something major,

like the transmission.

So what's wrong with the dog, Doc?

Is it a transmission or do his paws need rotating?

(laughing)

Yes, that was a bad analogy.

I think I should say that a dog is, is like a wine.

Yes, a French Burgundy,

that has its peak years...

Doctor...

...and then, later on...

Doctor, would you just tell me when a dog is like a dog?

In cold, stark terms, your dog has advanced diabetes.

His kidneys are beginning to fail.

He has some disorders of the intestinal tract and bladder.

I'm afraid he hasn't much time left.

How much time does he have?

Well, I can't be sure.

Could be two weeks. Could be a month.

(whimpers)

And as difficult as it is for me to say this,

the logical thing to do is to put him to sleep now.

Is he in pain?

No.

Then you're not going to put him to sleep.

I'm going to make his life worth living.

As long as there's a breath left in this dog,

you're not going to put this dog to sleep.

He's going to be the happiest dog

that ever walked the streets of New York City,

I'll tell you that.

And I don't want to hear any more about putting him to sleep.

I don't want to hear you mention

putting him to sleep. You understand?

Now, Mr. Reiger, you're obviously upset.

I am not upset,

so don't call me upset!

(growling)

I'm in perfect control of my faculties.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

I know, I know! I did it to amuse the dog.

He happens to like humor.

You love it, Buddy? Come on, Buddy.

You like funny stuff, don't you?

You want another doggie candy? Want another doggie candy?

(Buddy barks)

Okay, but first you have to lie dead; you have to lay dead.

Come on, bang, bang, bang.

Oh, well, what the hell? Have one.

You like being alive, don't you, Buddy, huh?

Don't you? Yeah.

No more till after dinner; that's it.

Stay there.

No more of this cold dog food straight out of the can

for you, my friend. Uh-uh!

I'm warming it up for doggie.

And a little cheese.

A little wine.

Mmm, mmm!

Oh, it's so good.

You want to taste it?

Here, taste this.

What do you think? Hmm?

A bit more oregano? Just what I was thinking.

(knocking at door)

Oh, look who's here. It's Shawn.

Hi, Alex. Hi, Shawn.

Shawn, I don't think you ever met my dog Buddy.

Buddy, this is Shawn.

She's going to be around a lot more.

I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.

How about a kiss?

Sure, he likes people.

Hey! Nah.

Hey, come on. Let me take your coat.

And, uh, I'll put a record on.

Ah!

Ooh, this smells delicious.

I didn't know you cooked.

That stuff on the stove is, uh, dog food.

Don't be modest. This is excellent.

No, really, it's dog food. It's for my dog.

It's my... Oh, no.

It-it-it's... That's for my dog.

Oh, come on, Alex, there's wine in here and...

No, no, really.

It's been heated and seasoned.

No, really, it... This is the main ingredient.

Dog food.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on, you liked it a minute ago.

And, besides, there's nothing disgusting in here.

Just read it. Look, here.

Fish by-products, artificial caramel coloring

and pork organs.

Oh, my...

God.

Nobody should eat that stuff. Eh...

No more of that stuff for you, my doggie.

No sirree, Bob!

From now on, it's prime rib and Chateaubriand and...

Alex! Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh...

(chuckles)

You see, my-my dog is a very old dog.

He's, uh... He hasn't got much time left.

He's probably got about two weeks to a month

and I just want to make him happy.

That's why your apartment looks like

a testing lab for Hartz Mountain.

Oh, hey, come on.

Just because I'm trying to make him happy

doesn't mean I can't make you happy.

(chuckles) Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

(growls)

Oh, you look great. You look great.

Mmm...

(whimpers)

(smooches)

(laughs)

Hey, I bet you there's a great old movie on the tube tonight.

Why can't we just go out to a movie?

Oh, no, no, no, I can't. I can't leave him alone.

He's got a weak bladder.

You know, uh, Alex, we'd only be gone a couple of hours.

He couldn't possibly do that much.

Oh, yes, he could.

Sometimes, when I come home, there's a rainbow in here.

Okay, okay, we can watch TV.

Oh, goody, goody, goody. Did you hear that?

We're going to watch TV tonight, dog.

(smooching, laughing)

Ah, is there any particular show that Buddy likes?

Uh, yeah, actually he likes the Letterman show,

but he complains about too many commercials.

(Buddy whimpers)

You know, Alex,

I'm sorry I was a little upset earlier, but, uh,

I got to tell you, eating dog food

isn't exactly a great way to start an evening.

Hey, these are great!

Huh? Oh, no, uh...

Yeah, that's-that's what I've been told.

You haven't tasted them?

No, I-I... Come on, try one.

No, I-I...

Come on. For me?

(chuckling anxiously)

No, I-I don't really like them.

I... Come on, Alex.

Ah, nah... Oh.

(chuckling)

Have another. Whoo.

No, no...

(Buddy whimpers)

I'm sorry. You can't have any of these, Buddy.

These are people food.

Oh, hi, how's Buddy?

Well, look for yourself. He's a new dog.

See how frisky he is? Frisk, frisk, frisk, frisk.

(chuckles)

What's that dog doing here again, Reiger?

Uh, look, Louie, uh...

When I'm driving around in the cab all day,

well, that's eight hours that I'm not with him,

so, uh, I want to take him in the cab with me, okay?

Forget it.

Look, I got a suggestion. You wanna hear it?

Yeah.

Why don't you take him in for a shot

of "go to sleep, my doggie"?

Oh, no. Louie, no.

ELAINE: Louie...

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

What about Marino? Remember him?

You let him take his dog in the cab.

That was different.

It was a Seeing Eye dog.

Marino was blind?!

Legally blind.

He could still sort of see.

The dog barked at red lights.

It was during the strike.

I tried it out for a week. It didn't work.

Well, if you can't bend the rules a little,

I'll just have to take a leave of absence.

Come on, Alex. No, Alex.

What're you going to do, start missing paychecks

for the dog now?

I don't care! I made a promise to Buddy

and I'm going to keep it.

Alex, look, it's perfectly all right that, you know,

you want him to live out his natural life and everything,

I mean, and it's wonderful that you want him to be happy,

but don't you think you're getting a little excessive?

You're saying I should put this dog to sleep?

No! No, we love Buddy.

Why not?

Look, the dog is senile, Reiger.

I mean, look at him.

His brain has turned to Alpo.

LOUIE: Reiger,

look, maybe you don't want to face the truth about Buddy,

but look, look, that dog doesn't even know where he is.

How do you know that?

How does anyone know that?

How can anyone say when to... when you put a dog to sleep?

How can anyone say if the dog is alert or not?

There's no way to find out what's in that head right now.

Except one. Except one!

What? What?

Have Buddy do that trick.

Very interesting idea.

Let's see him do the trick.

Okay, he'll do the trick.

Alex, you know he couldn't... No. Come on.

No, he'll do the trick.

If he doesn't do it,

I'll walk out of here right now with the dog.

But if he does it, he goes with me in my cab.

And what's more, I'll let him drive.

I know you can do it.

(whimpers)

(hums "William Tell Overture")

Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear.

That's five aces you got there, partner.

You know what we do to cheats in Dodge City, don't you?

(whimpers)

Up.

You... Bang!

All right! Yes! Yay, Buddy!

ELAINE: That's the best... TONY: All right, Alex.

He did it.

Dog did it.

(whimpers)

That is the best dog trick ever.

I've never seen anything so convincing.

Uh-oh.

Buddy? Buddy!

Buddy? Buddy.

Good dog. (whimpers)

Oh! Oh, Buddy!

(laughing)

You did it! You did it!

(smooches, laughs)

I'll be taking cab 134, Lou.

See you guys after the shift for a beer.

Come on, Buddy, we'll split the tips.

What are you doing back here?

You still got four hours left on your shift.

Yeah, well, I'm quitting early.

You're quitting early?!

You know, Reiger, ever since I let you

take that mutt in the cab,

you been breaking rules right and left.

Where is the old fleabag?

He died.

He died?

You mean he died in the cab?

No, Louie, he died at the vet's.

He was asleep in the cab and, uh...

I stopped off to get myself a cup of coffee

and, uh, him a donut...

And when he woke up, he didn't look too good,

so I rushed him over to the vet's.

And he died?

Yeah.

Oh. God.

Oh...

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so awkward in these situations.

Um, uh, Reiger's got to be alone!

Every-Everybody, out of here.

Come on, come on, let's show a little sensitivity.

Get your butts out of here!

Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on. Go on, go on, go on.

Let me buy you a cup of coffee.

I have a cup of coffee.

Well, let me give you the quarter back.

I don't want your quarter.

Let-Let me buy you another cup of coffee.

Louie, please.

I'm a big boy.

It wasn't like he was a human being.

He was a dog; just a dog. And the dog died.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll go call them and get them back in here.

(sniffles, cries)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)