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1
00:00:01,734 --> 00:00:04,669
(theme song playing)
2
00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:21,713
(sports broadcast playing)
Come on, get 'em... get 'em!
3
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:24,182
Oh, damn, damn, damn!
4
00:01:24,249 --> 00:01:25,183
Hey, hey, hey.
5
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,618
What happened
to "Ho, ho, ho"?
6
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:28,486
Christmas ain't what
it used to be, Alex.
7
00:01:28,554 --> 00:01:30,488
It's the worst bowl game
I've ever seen.
8
00:01:30,556 --> 00:01:31,956
Both teams stink.
9
00:01:32,024 --> 00:01:34,693
This ain't a bowl game;
it's a tapestry.
10
00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:36,827
Tapestry?
11
00:01:36,895 --> 00:01:38,462
Yeah, you know, a tapestry.
12
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,432
It's ridiculous. It's a joke.
13
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,633
It's not a tapestry;
it's a travesty.
14
00:01:43,936 --> 00:01:45,036
Well, I admit there was
15
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:46,704
some good action
in the first quarter.
16
00:01:46,772 --> 00:01:48,539
(knock at door)
17
00:01:48,607 --> 00:01:49,974
You expecting somebody?
18
00:01:50,042 --> 00:01:51,876
No.
The Easter Bunny?
19
00:01:51,944 --> 00:01:53,744
Baby New Year?
20
00:01:53,812 --> 00:01:54,913
The Great Pumpkin?
21
00:01:54,981 --> 00:01:56,114
Ho, ho, ho.
22
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:58,849
(laughing)
23
00:01:58,917 --> 00:02:00,519
Phyllis.
24
00:02:00,586 --> 00:02:01,652
Hi, Alex.
25
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,753
Hi.
26
00:02:02,821 --> 00:02:04,089
Oh, excuse me.
27
00:02:04,156 --> 00:02:07,025
You know, I once had
a maternity suit like that.
28
00:02:07,092 --> 00:02:09,260
Oh, no, no, I'm dressed
like this 'cause, uh,
29
00:02:09,328 --> 00:02:10,895
I'm going down
to the youth center
30
00:02:10,963 --> 00:02:13,231
to give out presents
to the juvenile delinquents.
31
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:14,231
Really?
Yeah.
32
00:02:14,299 --> 00:02:16,200
Oh, what a
wonderful idea.
33
00:02:16,268 --> 00:02:19,337
Certainly a novel way
to escape the loneliness
34
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,939
and depression that
haunts so many of us
35
00:02:22,007 --> 00:02:23,708
on Christmas Eve.
36
00:02:23,775 --> 00:02:25,376
Oh, yeah. Phyllis.
37
00:02:25,444 --> 00:02:26,578
Your ex-wife.
38
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,846
Well, I got to go.
39
00:02:27,913 --> 00:02:29,647
They're expecting me
down at the center.
40
00:02:29,715 --> 00:02:31,482
If I'm late
with the presents,
41
00:02:31,550 --> 00:02:33,585
they'll start opening up
each other.
42
00:02:33,652 --> 00:02:34,986
Merry Christmas.
43
00:02:35,053 --> 00:02:36,187
Merry Christmas.
Bye-bye.
44
00:02:36,254 --> 00:02:37,756
Tony.
Bye.
Bye.
45
00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:41,559
Well, Phyllis,
46
00:02:41,627 --> 00:02:43,128
what brings you here
on Christmas Eve?
47
00:02:43,195 --> 00:02:44,161
Alex,
48
00:02:44,229 --> 00:02:46,431
a crazy thing happened,
49
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,133
and I think it may have been
God speaking to me.
50
00:02:49,201 --> 00:02:52,437
At 3:15 this afternoon,
it struck me
51
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,472
that I really
wanted to see you.
52
00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:57,608
At that same moment,
I knew
53
00:02:57,676 --> 00:03:00,644
that you were thinking
that you wanted to see me.
54
00:03:00,712 --> 00:03:02,313
Now, was I right, Alex?
55
00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:03,548
Is there a God?
56
00:03:04,817 --> 00:03:06,751
Well, I think a lot of things
all the time.
57
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:08,119
I mean, uh,
it's possible I might
58
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:09,254
have been thinking
about you, but...
59
00:03:09,321 --> 00:03:10,488
Really?
60
00:03:10,556 --> 00:03:12,457
Oh, I thought I was making
the whole thing up.
61
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,025
Phyllis,
62
00:03:14,092 --> 00:03:15,426
what are you
doing here?
63
00:03:15,494 --> 00:03:17,862
Get me through
the holidays, Alex.
64
00:03:17,930 --> 00:03:19,464
Please.
Oh, Phyllis!
65
00:03:19,531 --> 00:03:20,898
That's right.
66
00:03:20,966 --> 00:03:22,766
"Oh, Phyllis."
67
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:25,803
Alex, you know
I don't have any friends,
68
00:03:25,871 --> 00:03:27,872
our daughter is
out of the country,
69
00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:31,342
and my other ex-husband
recently won a court order
70
00:03:31,410 --> 00:03:34,746
that forbids me to get
within 400 yards of him.
71
00:03:34,813 --> 00:03:35,913
Oh, no.
72
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:39,184
Please, Alex, please.
73
00:03:39,251 --> 00:03:40,919
I just don't want
this Christmas
74
00:03:40,986 --> 00:03:42,654
to be like
last Christmas.
75
00:03:42,721 --> 00:03:44,122
Anything but that.
76
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,424
I just can't go
through that again.
77
00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:48,193
Not that.
78
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:49,627
Phyllis, I'm not
going to ask you
79
00:03:49,695 --> 00:03:50,662
what happened
last Christmas.
80
00:03:50,729 --> 00:03:51,663
You're not?
81
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:53,498
I swear to
God I'm not.
82
00:03:53,565 --> 00:03:55,767
Well, good, because I'm not
about to tear open a wound
83
00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:57,636
that healed
after a year.
Good.
84
00:03:57,703 --> 00:03:59,203
Okay, good.
85
00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:04,709
Alex, I'm really not
asking for much.
86
00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,411
You know, we could make
a little eggnog.
87
00:04:06,478 --> 00:04:07,411
Oh, no, please.
88
00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:08,513
We could start a fire.
89
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,881
Phyllis, please.
We'll roast a goose.
90
00:04:09,948 --> 00:04:10,915
No.
91
00:04:10,983 --> 00:04:12,584
Alex, we can invite
your friends over.
92
00:04:12,651 --> 00:04:14,919
We can have a
little party.
I don't want to
invite my friends...
93
00:04:14,987 --> 00:04:17,155
I think I could scrape up
a band at the last minute.
94
00:04:17,222 --> 00:04:20,224
No, I really...
I really don't think so.
95
00:04:20,292 --> 00:04:22,560
Look, Phyllis, I-I'd really like
to help you,
96
00:04:22,627 --> 00:04:24,161
but I-I got to go to work.
97
00:04:24,229 --> 00:04:26,397
In fact, I got to go leave
right now.
98
00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:27,932
You're working?
99
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,334
Christmas Eve?
100
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:30,501
Yeah, that's right.
101
00:04:32,104 --> 00:04:34,105
Oh, God, how pathetic.
102
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:35,373
Oh, don't feel sorry
for me.
103
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,241
No, I'm talking
about me.
104
00:04:38,511 --> 00:04:40,445
I mean, you've
got it made.
105
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:44,315
Good tips, not much traffic,
interesting people.
106
00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:46,184
Can I come along with you?
107
00:04:46,251 --> 00:04:47,952
No.
108
00:04:48,019 --> 00:04:49,254
Alex, I won't
bother your fares.
109
00:04:49,321 --> 00:04:50,387
I'll lie on
the floor.
110
00:04:50,455 --> 00:04:51,723
They won't even
know I'm there.
111
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,057
No!
112
00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:54,191
In the trunk, then.
113
00:04:54,259 --> 00:04:56,060
Just leave it open a
crack so I can breathe.
114
00:04:56,128 --> 00:04:57,128
Phyllis!
115
00:04:57,196 --> 00:04:58,429
Please, Alex.
116
00:04:58,497 --> 00:04:59,764
Okay, but just a crack.
117
00:04:59,831 --> 00:05:01,231
No, what am I talking about?
118
00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:02,667
You can't come with me.
119
00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:03,801
I'm sorry.
120
00:05:03,869 --> 00:05:05,569
Alex, don't kick me out!
121
00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:10,275
Let me at least stay here
until midnight
122
00:05:10,342 --> 00:05:14,278
so my doorman will think
that I had someplace to go.
123
00:05:14,346 --> 00:05:16,280
Give me that, Alex.
124
00:05:16,348 --> 00:05:19,417
Let me impress my doorman.
125
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,254
Okay, you can stay here.
126
00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:24,889
(sighs)
(stammering)
127
00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:26,290
There's some
leftover Jiffy Pop.
128
00:05:26,358 --> 00:05:28,159
And, uh, there's a...
there's a rerun
129
00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:29,827
of Frosty the Snowman
on television.
130
00:05:29,895 --> 00:05:32,063
You're a saint, Alex.
131
00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:33,965
I-I know.
Thank you.
132
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:37,668
(loudly):
Thank you... saint.
133
00:05:46,411 --> 00:05:48,112
(humming)
134
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:49,813
Jeff.
135
00:05:49,881 --> 00:05:53,851
I know you got your family
at home waiting for you.
136
00:05:53,919 --> 00:05:55,686
It's Christmas Eve.
What the hell?
137
00:05:55,754 --> 00:05:57,321
I'm going to let you
go home early.
138
00:05:57,389 --> 00:05:58,556
Go on.
Get out of here.
139
00:05:58,624 --> 00:05:59,991
Merry Christmas.
140
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:02,260
Louie, I get off
in six minutes.
141
00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:06,964
Well, go, enjoy them.
142
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:10,802
Merry Christmas, Jim.
143
00:06:10,869 --> 00:06:12,136
Merry Christmas, Alex.
144
00:06:12,204 --> 00:06:13,304
(mumbling)
145
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:14,672
(crying)
146
00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:15,839
Merry Christmas,
Elaine.
147
00:06:15,907 --> 00:06:17,408
Merry Christmas.
148
00:06:17,475 --> 00:06:18,576
(sobbing)
149
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,445
Aw.
150
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:26,484
Drop the kids off
at the airport, did you?
151
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:27,518
(sobbing):
Yes.
152
00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:28,553
Aw.
153
00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:30,587
Why, Alex, why?
154
00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:33,090
This is the second year in a row
I've let them choose
155
00:06:33,158 --> 00:06:36,093
where to spend Christmas
and they picked their father.
156
00:06:36,161 --> 00:06:39,197
Now I'm wondering if they
love him more than they love me.
157
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,867
Why? Why, Alex?
158
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:46,637
Well, doesn't he have that
great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?
159
00:06:46,705 --> 00:06:50,141
No, I mean,
why do I let them choose?
160
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:51,208
Listen,
I'll get you coffee.
161
00:06:51,276 --> 00:06:52,210
You all right?
Yes.
162
00:06:52,277 --> 00:06:53,210
Cheer up.
163
00:06:53,278 --> 00:06:54,212
(moans)
164
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,680
(tap shoes clattering)
165
00:06:56,748 --> 00:07:00,185
Telegram for Elaine Nardo!
166
00:07:00,252 --> 00:07:01,185
Over here.
167
00:07:03,455 --> 00:07:06,257
¶ Grab your coat
and get your hat, Elaine ¶
168
00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:09,260
¶ Leave your worries
by the doorstep, Elaine ¶
169
00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:12,063
¶ Life can be so sweet, Elaine
170
00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:13,698
¶ On the sunny side of the
171
00:07:13,765 --> 00:07:15,032
¶ Sunny side of the
172
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:18,069
¶ Sunny side
of the street, Elaine ¶
173
00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:22,639
¶ Cheer up for the holidays
and have a merry Christmas ¶
174
00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,042
¶ Elaine.
175
00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:25,410
Aw.
176
00:07:25,477 --> 00:07:27,178
(applause)
177
00:07:28,279 --> 00:07:29,780
Oh!
178
00:07:29,848 --> 00:07:32,450
(laughs)
179
00:07:32,517 --> 00:07:34,752
Aw! I wonder who sent that.
180
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:36,287
Well, that depends.
181
00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:37,588
Did you like it?
182
00:07:37,656 --> 00:07:38,790
I loved it.
183
00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:40,925
I-I sent it.
184
00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:44,095
Oh, thank you!
185
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,097
You're welcome.
186
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:49,500
What better way to spend
my inheritance money
187
00:07:49,568 --> 00:07:51,936
than spreading a little joy
to my friends?
188
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:53,171
ALEX:
Yeah.
189
00:07:53,238 --> 00:07:55,406
Right, Alex?
190
00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:57,241
Hey, now, wait a second.
191
00:07:57,309 --> 00:07:58,509
Now, wait a minute.
192
00:07:58,577 --> 00:08:00,010
I hope that little wink
doesn't mean
193
00:08:00,078 --> 00:08:01,879
you're going to do something
like that for me.
194
00:08:01,947 --> 00:08:03,480
Why?
Why?
195
00:08:03,548 --> 00:08:04,749
Because I would feel
very embarrassed
196
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,951
at everybody staring at me
while some Phillip Morris boy
197
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:09,486
came in here and tap-danced
and sang at me.
198
00:08:09,554 --> 00:08:12,490
You've got nothing
to worry about, Alex.
199
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:15,893
I would never send a
Phillip Morris boy
200
00:08:15,961 --> 00:08:17,128
for a guy like you.
201
00:08:17,195 --> 00:08:18,196
All right, all right.
202
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:19,664
Okay.
203
00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:21,632
¶ Telegram, telegram,
telegram ¶
204
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:26,070
¶ Telegram, telegram,
telegram ¶
205
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:28,172
I wonder who that could be for.
206
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,274
Wait a minute.
207
00:08:30,342 --> 00:08:32,443
¶ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ¶
208
00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:35,246
(continues singing
indistinctly)
209
00:08:35,313 --> 00:08:38,149
¶ Alex Reiger should
be jolly ¶
Why don't you
take a hike, huh?
210
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:42,153
Yes, very good.
¶ That's why Jim
has sent me here ¶
211
00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:45,857
Hey, could you
keep it down?
¶ Take it from a
dancing fruitcake ¶
212
00:08:45,924 --> 00:08:48,492
¶ You should be happy
'cause you're such a ¶
(muttering)
213
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:49,827
¶ Cute cake.
Thank you very much.
214
00:08:49,895 --> 00:08:51,895
Why don't you just
sweep it on out?
Everybody!
215
00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:54,498
EVERYONE:
¶ You should be happy
For crying out loud!
216
00:08:54,566 --> 00:08:57,534
¶ 'Cause you're
such a cute cake. ¶
Shut up, will ya?!
217
00:08:57,602 --> 00:08:59,369
Merry Christmas.
218
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:05,676
You don't have
to say anything, Alex.
219
00:09:05,744 --> 00:09:08,846
The look in your eyes
is thanks enough.
220
00:09:08,913 --> 00:09:12,116
Okay, drivers, listen up here.
221
00:09:12,183 --> 00:09:14,618
On behalf of myself
222
00:09:14,686 --> 00:09:19,257
and the Sunshine Cab Company,
on this Christmas Eve,
223
00:09:19,324 --> 00:09:21,925
I just want to say...
224
00:09:21,993 --> 00:09:24,862
watch out for drunk drivers
225
00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:29,834
and don't pick up anybody
who might puke in your cab.
226
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,769
Noel, Noel, joy to the world.
227
00:09:32,837 --> 00:09:34,972
And get your butts out of here.
228
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,507
Donald, 218.
229
00:09:36,574 --> 00:09:39,710
Uh, Q.K., cab 387.
230
00:09:46,551 --> 00:09:48,686
Hi!
231
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:49,987
Latka told me that you
232
00:09:50,055 --> 00:09:51,889
are making the cabbies
work tonight,
233
00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:54,158
and I think that's terrible.
234
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,461
I didn't say they had to work.
235
00:09:56,528 --> 00:09:58,896
I just said,
if they didn't work,
236
00:09:58,964 --> 00:10:01,933
they might not get cabs
with the luxuries
237
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,401
that they've grown
accustomed to...
238
00:10:04,469 --> 00:10:06,537
like reverse.
239
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:13,677
Well, Latka and I are having
a party tonight, Mr. Scrooge,
240
00:10:13,745 --> 00:10:15,512
and I want to
get on the radio
241
00:10:15,580 --> 00:10:17,881
and invite all
our friends.
242
00:10:17,949 --> 00:10:19,249
(grunts)
243
00:10:19,317 --> 00:10:21,019
Well, what would it take for you
244
00:10:21,086 --> 00:10:23,254
to... to let us invite
all our friends?
245
00:10:23,321 --> 00:10:25,356
$500.
246
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:26,490
Okay.
247
00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:28,692
Will you take a check?
248
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,062
But, Simka,
how are we going to--
249
00:10:31,129 --> 00:10:33,397
Shut up, my darling!
(smooches)
250
00:10:34,566 --> 00:10:35,733
SIMKA:
There.
251
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:41,672
I don't think I'll be able
to cash a check
252
00:10:41,739 --> 00:10:44,575
made out to
"The Bloodsucking Jackal."
253
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:47,811
Really?
254
00:10:47,879 --> 00:10:48,879
Why?
255
00:10:48,947 --> 00:10:50,214
Who would question it?
256
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,952
Simka, I do work for this man.
257
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,822
And I didn't hear
my name mentioned
258
00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,324
in regard to the party, either.
259
00:11:00,391 --> 00:11:01,526
Louie...
260
00:11:01,593 --> 00:11:06,130
Louie, you poor, pathetic thing.
261
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,065
You only wanted money
262
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:11,468
because you thought you
weren't going to be invited.
263
00:11:11,536 --> 00:11:13,737
Oh, Louie.
264
00:11:13,805 --> 00:11:16,940
Oh, Louie,
Louie, Louie.
265
00:11:17,008 --> 00:11:20,011
Poor Louie.
266
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:21,913
Does this mean
I'm invited?
267
00:11:21,980 --> 00:11:23,981
If we have to.
268
00:11:25,450 --> 00:11:26,717
I accept.
269
00:11:26,785 --> 00:11:27,951
Yes!
I'll go spruce up.
270
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,086
You can use the radio.
271
00:11:29,154 --> 00:11:30,988
Thank you, boss!
272
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:38,195
Reiger, Reiger.
273
00:11:38,263 --> 00:11:40,364
Come in, Reiger.
274
00:11:40,432 --> 00:11:41,932
(over radio):
Yeah, this is Alex.
275
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,200
Go ahead.
276
00:11:43,268 --> 00:11:45,970
Uh, Louie said you don't
have to work tonight,
277
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,507
so come on over and spend
Christmas Eve tonight.
278
00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,943
I-I have to go now.
279
00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:55,313
Uh, that's a big ten-four,
good buddy.
280
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:57,181
Now, Simka, Simka,
281
00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:59,816
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to say no,
282
00:11:59,884 --> 00:12:02,153
but, uh, thank you anyway.
283
00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:05,389
Should I bring something
to the party?
284
00:12:05,456 --> 00:12:07,391
Oh, uh,
285
00:12:07,459 --> 00:12:09,760
Simka has made everything
we need.
286
00:12:09,828 --> 00:12:12,230
Do you like Christmas ham
287
00:12:12,297 --> 00:12:15,166
with, uh, honey glaze
and pineapples on it?
288
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:16,299
Yeah.
289
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:18,302
Good.
Then you better bring one.
290
00:12:21,506 --> 00:12:23,207
Hi, Phyllis.
I was just dropping by.
291
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:26,110
I thought I'd just stop in
and see how you were doing.
292
00:12:26,177 --> 00:12:27,511
Did you eat all that?
293
00:12:27,578 --> 00:12:28,980
Mm.
294
00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:32,683
Alex, I just want to thank you
295
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,685
for not kicking me out.
296
00:12:34,752 --> 00:12:38,655
This Christmas is so much better
297
00:12:38,723 --> 00:12:40,657
than last year.
298
00:12:42,226 --> 00:12:43,795
You really did
eat all that?!
299
00:12:43,862 --> 00:12:47,298
You know, I eat
when I'm depressed.
300
00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:50,968
I ate everything
in the refrigerator.
301
00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:53,737
Well, anyway, I just, uh,
302
00:12:53,805 --> 00:12:56,407
just want to see
how you were doing.
303
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,042
Did you know
304
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:01,311
that Frosty the Snowman melted
in the end?
305
00:13:02,613 --> 00:13:03,914
Phyllis, I'm missing fares.
306
00:13:03,982 --> 00:13:05,182
I have to go.
307
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:06,483
I'll, uh...
308
00:13:06,551 --> 00:13:10,054
Alex, you know, sometimes,
when you look back,
309
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,189
things seem much better
310
00:13:12,256 --> 00:13:14,892
than they actually
were, you know, but
311
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,061
I remember
312
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:20,898
we used to have some
wonderful Christmases together.
313
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,232
Yeah, you're right.
314
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,401
When you look back,
things do seem better.
315
00:13:24,469 --> 00:13:26,770
No, no, no, no,
hey, no, no.
316
00:13:26,838 --> 00:13:29,273
I mean, we had some wonderful
Christmases, we really did.
317
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:31,909
Look, I'll, um....
318
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,577
I'll check in
on you later, okay?
319
00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:37,915
Can I get you anything?
320
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,618
A gallon of Rocky Road
and cable TV.
321
00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:44,522
(laughs)
322
00:13:44,589 --> 00:13:45,689
(laughs)
323
00:13:45,757 --> 00:13:46,924
(laughs)
324
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,225
(laughs)
325
00:13:48,293 --> 00:13:50,327
(both laughing)
326
00:13:51,396 --> 00:13:53,497
Oh.
327
00:13:53,565 --> 00:13:54,898
Rocky Road
328
00:13:54,966 --> 00:13:56,767
and cable TV.
329
00:14:00,872 --> 00:14:02,806
You want to go to a party?
330
00:14:02,874 --> 00:14:05,942
Did you invite me to a party?
331
00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:09,813
Or did I just have
a hypoglycemic rush?
332
00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:12,416
No... come on.
I'll take you.
333
00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:14,485
Really?
Yeah, come on.
334
00:14:24,596 --> 00:14:26,797
Watching you
335
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,999
brings back old memories.
336
00:14:31,603 --> 00:14:34,105
Every Christmas
337
00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:37,909
my family would get a-a big,
338
00:14:37,976 --> 00:14:41,645
beautiful, Scotch pine tree.
339
00:14:41,713 --> 00:14:43,647
We'd gather around
340
00:14:43,714 --> 00:14:46,083
and watch the servants
decorate it.
341
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,793
May I, for old times' sake?
342
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:57,795
Yeah, go ahead, Jim.
343
00:14:58,963 --> 00:15:01,198
Not there, you fool!
344
00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:06,236
Higher and to the left!
345
00:15:09,207 --> 00:15:12,409
Boy, this is one
of the best Christmases
346
00:15:12,477 --> 00:15:14,411
I've ever had.
347
00:15:14,479 --> 00:15:16,413
Oh, the best!
348
00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:18,616
(knocking on door)
349
00:15:22,687 --> 00:15:24,288
Hi. Merry Christmas,
everybody!
350
00:15:24,356 --> 00:15:25,556
Elaine!
(shrieks)
351
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:27,558
Look what my last fare
gave me!
What?
352
00:15:27,625 --> 00:15:28,725
A manicure.
353
00:15:28,793 --> 00:15:30,094
No, no, no, no.
354
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:31,428
This...
JIM:
Huh?
355
00:15:31,496 --> 00:15:32,863
This gift. See?
356
00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:34,832
Well, I picked this guy
up from the airport,
357
00:15:34,899 --> 00:15:37,001
and he's coming back early
from a business trip, right?
358
00:15:37,068 --> 00:15:39,070
So he's telling me
how great his wife is,
359
00:15:39,137 --> 00:15:40,471
what a precious
jewel she is,
360
00:15:40,538 --> 00:15:43,007
and how no present in the
world is worthy of her, right?
361
00:15:43,075 --> 00:15:45,976
So we get to their house,
and she's out in the front
362
00:15:46,044 --> 00:15:47,143
kissing some other guy.
363
00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:48,479
SIMKA:
Wow!
364
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:50,581
So the guy leaves the cab,
and I say, "Wait a minute.
365
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:52,849
You forgot your gift," and he
says, "No, no, no, you keep it.
366
00:15:52,917 --> 00:15:54,118
You deserve it more
than she does."
367
00:15:54,186 --> 00:15:56,020
Well, open it!
ELAINE:
I know.
368
00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:57,688
I wanted to wait.
I wonder
what it is.
369
00:15:57,756 --> 00:15:58,956
I'll bet it's a watch.
370
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:02,359
No, no, not a watch,
but jewelry, I bet.
371
00:16:02,427 --> 00:16:04,361
A pair of panties.
372
00:16:07,932 --> 00:16:09,967
They say,
"Property of Hell's Angels."
373
00:16:11,435 --> 00:16:12,936
Big spender.
374
00:16:13,004 --> 00:16:14,004
A four-dollar item.
375
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:16,674
Six-fifty.
376
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,942
(knocking on door)
Oh, well.
Merry Christmas.
377
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:20,543
SIMKA:
Merry Christmas.
378
00:16:20,611 --> 00:16:22,113
Oh.
379
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:23,314
Alex!
380
00:16:23,381 --> 00:16:25,149
Oh, we're so glad
you could come.
381
00:16:25,216 --> 00:16:26,383
Oh, hello, everybody.
382
00:16:26,451 --> 00:16:27,951
You all remember
my ex-wife Phyllis?
383
00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:30,320
Alex, do you have
to call me your ex-wife?
384
00:16:30,388 --> 00:16:31,489
Oh, excuse me.
385
00:16:31,556 --> 00:16:33,490
You remember Phyllis,
my podiatrist?
386
00:16:36,928 --> 00:16:39,997
Welcome
to the party.
387
00:16:40,064 --> 00:16:42,700
Oh, thank you very much.
388
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:46,503
Holidays are a time for
family, friends and joy.
389
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:49,340
And since I have none of those,
I'm glad to be here.
390
00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:51,041
Phyllis, Phyllis,
Phyllis...
391
00:16:51,109 --> 00:16:55,245
I see the life of the
party has arrived.
392
00:16:55,313 --> 00:16:58,215
I got a great idea.
393
00:16:58,282 --> 00:16:59,482
What?
394
00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:01,852
Why don't we all tell
what we did last Christmas?
395
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,020
ELAINE:
Ooh.
396
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:04,555
Last Christmas?
397
00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:06,657
Oh, no, that's a bad idea.
398
00:17:06,724 --> 00:17:08,025
That's a terrible idea.
399
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,426
Just awful.
No, it'll be fun.
400
00:17:09,494 --> 00:17:11,194
SIMKA:
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
401
00:17:11,262 --> 00:17:13,230
Who would like
to go first?
PHYLLIS:
No, no, no, no.
402
00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:16,633
Last Christmas...
403
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:19,869
I was alone again,
404
00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:22,105
so I decided,
405
00:17:22,173 --> 00:17:24,141
uh, to go to a restaurant
406
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:26,577
where at least
I would be with some people.
407
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:29,546
So, um, sure enough...
408
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,982
I mean,
there must have been 50 people
409
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,151
at this restaurant--
410
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:36,387
a party of 49 and me.
411
00:17:38,456 --> 00:17:42,926
Not one of those 49 people
asked me to join them.
412
00:17:42,994 --> 00:17:44,127
Yeah.
413
00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:45,762
Phyllis...
So I left.
414
00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:48,398
I left, and I started
walking home.
415
00:17:48,466 --> 00:17:51,835
And I kept bumping into
all sorts of happiness.
416
00:17:51,903 --> 00:17:54,605
I mean, people
with loved ones,
417
00:17:54,672 --> 00:17:58,575
just bustling to buy their
Christmas last-minute gifts.
418
00:17:58,643 --> 00:18:01,478
And music
and laughter coming from
419
00:18:01,546 --> 00:18:04,214
parties I wasn't
even invited to.
420
00:18:04,282 --> 00:18:07,618
And suddenly,
I was struck...
421
00:18:07,685 --> 00:18:10,420
By a bus, I hope.
422
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:16,126
No such luck, cutie.
423
00:18:16,194 --> 00:18:18,195
I was struck
424
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:22,432
by a deeply
depressing revelation.
425
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:27,471
I am a lonely,
middle-aged woman
426
00:18:27,538 --> 00:18:31,074
unable to deal
with Christmas.
427
00:18:31,142 --> 00:18:33,644
(quiet moan)
428
00:18:40,117 --> 00:18:42,419
Who invited
Alex's podiatrist?
429
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,189
(Alex speaks quietly,
indistinctly)
430
00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,758
(knocking on door)
431
00:18:47,825 --> 00:18:48,993
I...
432
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,728
Merry Christmas,
everybody.
(all talking)
433
00:18:50,795 --> 00:18:52,229
Hey, listen, I hope
you don't mind, Simka,
434
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,265
but I brought some of the kids
from the youth center.
435
00:18:54,332 --> 00:18:55,432
No, the more the merrier.
436
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:56,599
Come on.
LOUIE:
Hey.
437
00:18:56,667 --> 00:18:59,036
TONY:
All right, all right,
listen, everybody,
438
00:18:59,103 --> 00:19:01,839
this is Philly Fingers, Big Al
and Joey Mook over here.
439
00:19:01,906 --> 00:19:03,173
Hello.
ALEX:
Hi.
440
00:19:03,241 --> 00:19:05,175
Now, you guys steal anything,
I break your heads.
441
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:06,410
Say Merry Christmas.
442
00:19:06,477 --> 00:19:08,211
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
443
00:19:08,279 --> 00:19:10,080
I said say
Merry Christmas. Say it!
444
00:19:10,147 --> 00:19:11,615
And God bless you. Say it!
445
00:19:11,682 --> 00:19:12,783
BOYS (mumbling):
Merry Christmas.
446
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,218
All right, get over there
and sit down.
447
00:19:14,285 --> 00:19:16,286
Latka, hide the silver.
448
00:19:20,625 --> 00:19:23,727
In our country is tradition
that, at this time,
449
00:19:23,795 --> 00:19:27,030
someone says the traditional
Christmas prayer.
450
00:19:27,098 --> 00:19:30,600
Oh, yeah, and in our country,
it is a tradition
451
00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:33,304
that the oldest woman
leads it.
452
00:19:33,371 --> 00:19:34,805
Oh, no.
453
00:19:34,872 --> 00:19:37,208
Oh, great; just great.
454
00:19:37,275 --> 00:19:38,876
When were you born?
455
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:42,846
Uh, February, 1952.
456
00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:44,515
February what?
457
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:46,850
Fourth.
458
00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:48,085
Dear Lord...
459
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:49,720
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
460
00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:51,588
Oh, we all have
to get ready.
461
00:19:51,656 --> 00:19:53,223
Kneel for the prayer.
462
00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,591
I said kneel
for the prayer.
463
00:19:54,659 --> 00:19:57,327
Kneel. Come on, Al,
kneel, I said.
464
00:19:57,395 --> 00:19:59,763
Good boys.
465
00:19:59,830 --> 00:20:01,432
Okay, is everybody ready?
466
00:20:01,499 --> 00:20:03,700
Yeah, let the good times roll.
467
00:20:06,237 --> 00:20:09,572
Dear Lord, no offense,
468
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,575
but, uh,
469
00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:13,644
could you spend less time
470
00:20:13,711 --> 00:20:15,913
with the people
that don't need it?
471
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:19,850
I mean, like the women
from the Ice Capades
472
00:20:19,918 --> 00:20:22,185
and ballplayers.
473
00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,220
I mean, Lord,
what do you care
474
00:20:24,288 --> 00:20:26,757
if a guy's stranded
on second base?
475
00:20:26,824 --> 00:20:28,692
You got better
things to do.
476
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,995
Phyllis,
you're nudging God.
477
00:20:32,063 --> 00:20:37,233
Also, for me, Lord,
stop short skirts
478
00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:39,803
and bring back
two refills
479
00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:42,573
per prescription
on Valium.
480
00:20:42,641 --> 00:20:44,607
Oh.
481
00:20:44,675 --> 00:20:47,010
And peace on earth
482
00:20:47,078 --> 00:20:49,780
and goodwill
toward men.
483
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:51,881
Nice of you
to throw that in, Phyllis.
484
00:20:53,985 --> 00:20:56,219
Yeah, great prayer, Phyllis.
485
00:20:56,287 --> 00:20:59,556
If I could die now,
I'd be a happy man.
486
00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:02,392
Oh, really, uh,
I shouldn't have come here.
487
00:21:02,460 --> 00:21:04,495
I mean, I feel like I-I
ruined everybody's Christmas.
488
00:21:04,562 --> 00:21:06,563
No, no, no, no, no.
ELAINE:
No.
(knocking at door)
489
00:21:06,630 --> 00:21:08,165
No, that-that's all right.
490
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:09,332
SIMKA:
Okay.
491
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,835
You can be as depressing
as you want.
492
00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:14,471
It won't hurt,
because I've got money.
493
00:21:16,107 --> 00:21:18,107
ALEX:
Well, what's money
got to do with it?
494
00:21:18,175 --> 00:21:19,209
(chuckles)
495
00:21:19,277 --> 00:21:21,278
This.
496
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:24,414
¶ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ¶
497
00:21:24,482 --> 00:21:28,819
(all continue singing,
indistinctly)
498
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:30,421
JIM: I didn't know
what to pick,
499
00:21:30,488 --> 00:21:33,657
so I told 'em
to send everything.
500
00:21:41,499 --> 00:21:44,668
Alex, about New Year's Eve.
501
00:21:44,736 --> 00:21:45,835
What?
502
00:21:45,903 --> 00:21:48,205
You don't have to see me.
503
00:21:48,272 --> 00:21:52,275
I'm gonna be on an airplane
far, far away.
504
00:21:52,343 --> 00:21:55,345
Oh.
505
00:21:55,412 --> 00:21:57,814
It's my Christmas gift to you.
506
00:21:57,882 --> 00:21:59,950
Uh-huh.
507
00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:03,153
So, how do you like
your present?
508
00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:04,654
Like it? L-Like it? I love it.
509
00:22:04,722 --> 00:22:06,556
It's perfect.
How-How did you know?
510
00:22:06,624 --> 00:22:08,992
Well, it was either that,
or a shirt.
511
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:10,193
(laughs)
512
00:22:10,261 --> 00:22:11,595
(laughs)
513
00:22:11,662 --> 00:22:16,199
Well, anyway, um...
514
00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:17,600
so long as, you know,
515
00:22:17,668 --> 00:22:21,404
I'm not gonna be here
New Year's Eve, uh, um...
516
00:22:21,472 --> 00:22:23,974
could I have my kiss now?
517
00:22:24,041 --> 00:22:25,141
Hm?
518
00:22:25,209 --> 00:22:26,744
Oh, come on, Phyllis,
please, will you?
519
00:22:26,811 --> 00:22:27,911
Come on, Alex.
520
00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:29,112
No. Come on,
let's...
Come on.
521
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:30,714
Just give me
a little kiss. Come on.
Phyllis.
522
00:22:30,781 --> 00:22:31,882
Phyllis,
please...
Alex, come on.
523
00:22:31,950 --> 00:22:33,717
Come on, let's just pretend,
you know...
524
00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:35,752
I don't want...
I don't want to...
525
00:22:35,820 --> 00:22:38,254
Alex, come on, we'll just
pretend it's New Year's Eve.
526
00:22:38,322 --> 00:22:40,423
Okay? Right here.
No, we don't have
527
00:22:40,491 --> 00:22:41,591
to do this.
Four...
528
00:22:41,659 --> 00:22:42,759
Phyllis...
Three...
529
00:22:42,827 --> 00:22:43,960
Oh, come on, Phyllis.
530
00:22:44,028 --> 00:22:45,361
Two...
Please, please.
531
00:22:45,429 --> 00:22:46,530
One.
Why don't you just
532
00:22:46,597 --> 00:22:47,731
make it a nice...
533
00:22:47,798 --> 00:22:49,132
¶ Should auld
acquaintance ¶
534
00:22:49,199 --> 00:22:50,800
Phyllis, Phyllis,
stop that.
535
00:22:50,868 --> 00:22:52,770
¶ Be forgot
Phyllis,
Phyllis, stop that.
536
00:22:52,837 --> 00:22:54,304
I'm not gonna
do it, Phyllis.
537
00:22:54,372 --> 00:22:56,273
¶ And never
brought to mind...¶
538
00:22:56,340 --> 00:22:58,041
Phyllis!
539
00:23:24,401 --> 00:23:26,636
Happy New Year, Phyllis.
540
00:23:26,704 --> 00:23:29,239
Happy New Year, Alex.
541
00:23:38,449 --> 00:23:42,085
(theme song playing)
542
00:24:02,940 --> 00:24:04,408
WOMAN:
Merry Christmas, Mr. Walters!
543
00:24:04,475 --> 00:24:05,775
(man grumbling)
36702
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