Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

(sports broadcast playing) Come on, get 'em... get 'em!

Oh, damn, damn, damn!

Hey, hey, hey.

What happened to "Ho, ho, ho"?

Christmas ain't what it used to be, Alex.

It's the worst bowl game I've ever seen.

Both teams stink.

This ain't a bowl game; it's a tapestry.

Tapestry?

Yeah, you know, a tapestry.

It's ridiculous. It's a joke.

It's not a tapestry; it's a travesty.

Well, I admit there was

some good action in the first quarter.

(knock at door)

You expecting somebody?

No. The Easter Bunny?

Baby New Year?

The Great Pumpkin?

Ho, ho, ho.

(laughing)

Phyllis.

Hi, Alex.

Hi.

Oh, excuse me.

You know, I once had a maternity suit like that.

Oh, no, no, I'm dressed like this 'cause, uh,

I'm going down to the youth center

to give out presents to the juvenile delinquents.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

Certainly a novel way to escape the loneliness

and depression that haunts so many of us

on Christmas Eve.

Oh, yeah. Phyllis.

Your ex-wife.

Well, I got to go.

They're expecting me down at the center.

If I'm late with the presents,

they'll start opening up each other.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

Tony. Bye. Bye.

Well, Phyllis,

what brings you here on Christmas Eve?

Alex,

a crazy thing happened,

and I think it may have been God speaking to me.

At 3:15 this afternoon, it struck me

that I really wanted to see you.

At that same moment, I knew

that you were thinking that you wanted to see me.

Now, was I right, Alex?

Is there a God?

Well, I think a lot of things all the time.

I mean, uh, it's possible I might

have been thinking about you, but...

Really?

Oh, I thought I was making the whole thing up.

Phyllis,

what are you doing here?

Get me through the holidays, Alex.

Please. Oh, Phyllis!

That's right.

"Oh, Phyllis."

Alex, you know I don't have any friends,

our daughter is out of the country,

and my other ex-husband recently won a court order

that forbids me to get within 400 yards of him.

Oh, no.

Please, Alex, please.

I just don't want this Christmas

to be like last Christmas.

Anything but that.

I just can't go through that again.

Not that.

Phyllis, I'm not going to ask you

what happened last Christmas.

You're not?

I swear to God I'm not.

Well, good, because I'm not about to tear open a wound

that healed after a year. Good.

Okay, good.

Alex, I'm really not asking for much.

You know, we could make a little eggnog.

Oh, no, please.

We could start a fire.

Phyllis, please. We'll roast a goose.

No.

Alex, we can invite your friends over.

We can have a little party. I don't want to invite my friends...

I think I could scrape up a band at the last minute.

No, I really... I really don't think so.

Look, Phyllis, I-I'd really like to help you,

but I-I got to go to work.

In fact, I got to go leave right now.

You're working?

Christmas Eve?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, God, how pathetic.

Oh, don't feel sorry for me.

No, I'm talking about me.

I mean, you've got it made.

Good tips, not much traffic, interesting people.

Can I come along with you?

No.

Alex, I won't bother your fares.

I'll lie on the floor.

They won't even know I'm there.

No!

In the trunk, then.

Just leave it open a crack so I can breathe.

Phyllis!

Please, Alex.

Okay, but just a crack.

No, what am I talking about?

You can't come with me.

I'm sorry.

Alex, don't kick me out!

Let me at least stay here until midnight

so my doorman will think that I had someplace to go.

Give me that, Alex.

Let me impress my doorman.

Okay, you can stay here.

(sighs) (stammering)

There's some leftover Jiffy Pop.

And, uh, there's a... there's a rerun

of Frosty the Snowman on television.

You're a saint, Alex.

I-I know. Thank you.

(loudly): Thank you... saint.

(humming)

Jeff.

I know you got your family at home waiting for you.

It's Christmas Eve. What the hell?

I'm going to let you go home early.

Go on. Get out of here.

Merry Christmas.

Louie, I get off in six minutes.

Well, go, enjoy them.

Merry Christmas, Jim.

Merry Christmas, Alex.

(mumbling)

(crying)

Merry Christmas, Elaine.

Merry Christmas.

(sobbing)

Aw.

Drop the kids off at the airport, did you?

(sobbing): Yes.

Aw.

Why, Alex, why?

This is the second year in a row I've let them choose

where to spend Christmas and they picked their father.

Now I'm wondering if they love him more than they love me.

Why? Why, Alex?

Well, doesn't he have that great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?

No, I mean, why do I let them choose?

Listen, I'll get you coffee.

You all right? Yes.

Cheer up.

(moans)

(tap shoes clattering)

Telegram for Elaine Nardo!

Over here.

¶ Grab your coat and get your hat, Elaine ¶

¶ Leave your worries by the doorstep, Elaine ¶

¶ Life can be so sweet, Elaine

¶ On the sunny side of the

¶ Sunny side of the

¶ Sunny side of the street, Elaine ¶

¶ Cheer up for the holidays and have a merry Christmas ¶

¶ Elaine.

Aw.

(applause)

Oh!

(laughs)

Aw! I wonder who sent that.

Well, that depends.

Did you like it?

I loved it.

I-I sent it.

Oh, thank you!

You're welcome.

What better way to spend my inheritance money

than spreading a little joy to my friends?

ALEX: Yeah.

Right, Alex?

Hey, now, wait a second.

Now, wait a minute.

I hope that little wink doesn't mean

you're going to do something like that for me.

Why? Why?

Because I would feel very embarrassed

at everybody staring at me while some Phillip Morris boy

came in here and tap-danced and sang at me.

You've got nothing to worry about, Alex.

I would never send a Phillip Morris boy

for a guy like you.

All right, all right.

Okay.

¶ Telegram, telegram, telegram ¶

¶ Telegram, telegram, telegram ¶

I wonder who that could be for.

Wait a minute.

¶ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ¶

(continues singing indistinctly)

¶ Alex Reiger should be jolly ¶ Why don't you take a hike, huh?

Yes, very good. ¶ That's why Jim has sent me here ¶

Hey, could you keep it down? ¶ Take it from a dancing fruitcake ¶

¶ You should be happy 'cause you're such a ¶ (muttering)

¶ Cute cake. Thank you very much.

Why don't you just sweep it on out? Everybody!

EVERYONE: ¶ You should be happy For crying out loud!

¶ 'Cause you're such a cute cake. ¶ Shut up, will ya?!

Merry Christmas.

You don't have to say anything, Alex.

The look in your eyes is thanks enough.

Okay, drivers, listen up here.

On behalf of myself

and the Sunshine Cab Company, on this Christmas Eve,

I just want to say...

watch out for drunk drivers

and don't pick up anybody who might puke in your cab.

Noel, Noel, joy to the world.

And get your butts out of here.

Donald, 218.

Uh, Q.K., cab 387.

Hi!

Latka told me that you

are making the cabbies work tonight,

and I think that's terrible.

I didn't say they had to work.

I just said, if they didn't work,

they might not get cabs with the luxuries

that they've grown accustomed to...

like reverse.

Well, Latka and I are having a party tonight, Mr. Scrooge,

and I want to get on the radio

and invite all our friends.

(grunts)

Well, what would it take for you

to... to let us invite all our friends?

$500.

Okay.

Will you take a check?

But, Simka, how are we going to--

Shut up, my darling! (smooches)

SIMKA: There.

I don't think I'll be able to cash a check

made out to "The Bloodsucking Jackal."

Really?

Why?

Who would question it?

Simka, I do work for this man.

And I didn't hear my name mentioned

in regard to the party, either.

Louie...

Louie, you poor, pathetic thing.

You only wanted money

because you thought you weren't going to be invited.

Oh, Louie.

Oh, Louie, Louie, Louie.

Poor Louie.

Does this mean I'm invited?

If we have to.

I accept.

Yes! I'll go spruce up.

You can use the radio.

Thank you, boss!

Reiger, Reiger.

Come in, Reiger.

(over radio): Yeah, this is Alex.

Go ahead.

Uh, Louie said you don't have to work tonight,

so come on over and spend Christmas Eve tonight.

I-I have to go now.

Uh, that's a big ten-four, good buddy.

Now, Simka, Simka,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no,

but, uh, thank you anyway.

Should I bring something to the party?

Oh, uh,

Simka has made everything we need.

Do you like Christmas ham

with, uh, honey glaze and pineapples on it?

Yeah.

Good. Then you better bring one.

Hi, Phyllis. I was just dropping by.

I thought I'd just stop in and see how you were doing.

Did you eat all that?

Mm.

Alex, I just want to thank you

for not kicking me out.

This Christmas is so much better

than last year.

You really did eat all that?!

You know, I eat when I'm depressed.

I ate everything in the refrigerator.

Well, anyway, I just, uh,

just want to see how you were doing.

Did you know

that Frosty the Snowman melted in the end?

Phyllis, I'm missing fares.

I have to go.

I'll, uh...

Alex, you know, sometimes, when you look back,

things seem much better

than they actually were, you know, but

I remember

we used to have some wonderful Christmases together.

Yeah, you're right.

When you look back, things do seem better.

No, no, no, no, hey, no, no.

I mean, we had some wonderful Christmases, we really did.

Look, I'll, um....

I'll check in on you later, okay?

Can I get you anything?

A gallon of Rocky Road and cable TV.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(both laughing)

Oh.

Rocky Road

and cable TV.

You want to go to a party?

Did you invite me to a party?

Or did I just have a hypoglycemic rush?

No... come on. I'll take you.

Really? Yeah, come on.

Watching you

brings back old memories.

Every Christmas

my family would get a-a big,

beautiful, Scotch pine tree.

We'd gather around

and watch the servants decorate it.

May I, for old times' sake?

Yeah, go ahead, Jim.

Not there, you fool!

Higher and to the left!

Boy, this is one of the best Christmases

I've ever had.

Oh, the best!

(knocking on door)

Hi. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Elaine! (shrieks)

Look what my last fare gave me! What?

A manicure.

No, no, no, no.

This... JIM: Huh?

This gift. See?

Well, I picked this guy up from the airport,

and he's coming back early from a business trip, right?

So he's telling me how great his wife is,

what a precious jewel she is,

and how no present in the world is worthy of her, right?

So we get to their house, and she's out in the front

kissing some other guy.

SIMKA: Wow!

So the guy leaves the cab, and I say, "Wait a minute.

You forgot your gift," and he says, "No, no, no, you keep it.

You deserve it more than she does."

Well, open it! ELAINE: I know.

I wanted to wait. I wonder what it is.

I'll bet it's a watch.

No, no, not a watch, but jewelry, I bet.

A pair of panties.

They say, "Property of Hell's Angels."

Big spender.

A four-dollar item.

Six-fifty.

(knocking on door) Oh, well. Merry Christmas.

SIMKA: Merry Christmas.

Oh.

Alex!

Oh, we're so glad you could come.

Oh, hello, everybody.

You all remember my ex-wife Phyllis?

Alex, do you have to call me your ex-wife?

Oh, excuse me.

You remember Phyllis, my podiatrist?

Welcome to the party.

Oh, thank you very much.

Holidays are a time for family, friends and joy.

And since I have none of those, I'm glad to be here.

Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis...

I see the life of the party has arrived.

I got a great idea.

What?

Why don't we all tell what we did last Christmas?

ELAINE: Ooh.

Last Christmas?

Oh, no, that's a bad idea.

That's a terrible idea.

Just awful. No, it'll be fun.

SIMKA: Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Who would like to go first? PHYLLIS: No, no, no, no.

Last Christmas...

I was alone again,

so I decided,

uh, to go to a restaurant

where at least I would be with some people.

So, um, sure enough...

I mean, there must have been 50 people

at this restaurant--

a party of 49 and me.

Not one of those 49 people asked me to join them.

Yeah.

Phyllis... So I left.

I left, and I started walking home.

And I kept bumping into all sorts of happiness.

I mean, people with loved ones,

just bustling to buy their Christmas last-minute gifts.

And music and laughter coming from

parties I wasn't even invited to.

And suddenly, I was struck...

By a bus, I hope.

No such luck, cutie.

I was struck

by a deeply depressing revelation.

I am a lonely, middle-aged woman

unable to deal with Christmas.

(quiet moan)

Who invited Alex's podiatrist?

(Alex speaks quietly, indistinctly)

(knocking on door)

I...

Merry Christmas, everybody. (all talking)

Hey, listen, I hope you don't mind, Simka,

but I brought some of the kids from the youth center.

No, the more the merrier.

Come on. LOUIE: Hey.

TONY: All right, all right, listen, everybody,

this is Philly Fingers, Big Al and Joey Mook over here.

Hello. ALEX: Hi.

Now, you guys steal anything, I break your heads.

Say Merry Christmas.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I said say Merry Christmas. Say it!

And God bless you. Say it!

BOYS (mumbling): Merry Christmas.

All right, get over there and sit down.

Latka, hide the silver.

In our country is tradition that, at this time,

someone says the traditional Christmas prayer.

Oh, yeah, and in our country, it is a tradition

that the oldest woman leads it.

Oh, no.

Oh, great; just great.

When were you born?

Uh, February, 1952.

February what?

Fourth.

Dear Lord...

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, we all have to get ready.

Kneel for the prayer.

I said kneel for the prayer.

Kneel. Come on, Al, kneel, I said.

Good boys.

Okay, is everybody ready?

Yeah, let the good times roll.

Dear Lord, no offense,

but, uh,

could you spend less time

with the people that don't need it?

I mean, like the women from the Ice Capades

and ballplayers.

I mean, Lord, what do you care

if a guy's stranded on second base?

You got better things to do.

Phyllis, you're nudging God.

Also, for me, Lord, stop short skirts

and bring back two refills

per prescription on Valium.

Oh.

And peace on earth

and goodwill toward men.

Nice of you to throw that in, Phyllis.

Yeah, great prayer, Phyllis.

If I could die now, I'd be a happy man.

Oh, really, uh, I shouldn't have come here.

I mean, I feel like I-I ruined everybody's Christmas.

No, no, no, no, no. ELAINE: No. (knocking at door)

No, that-that's all right.

SIMKA: Okay.

You can be as depressing as you want.

It won't hurt, because I've got money.

ALEX: Well, what's money got to do with it?

(chuckles)

This.

¶ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ¶

(all continue singing, indistinctly)

JIM: I didn't know what to pick,

so I told 'em to send everything.

Alex, about New Year's Eve.

What?

You don't have to see me.

I'm gonna be on an airplane far, far away.

Oh.

It's my Christmas gift to you.

Uh-huh.

So, how do you like your present?

Like it? L-Like it? I love it.

It's perfect. How-How did you know?

Well, it was either that, or a shirt.

(laughs)

(laughs)

Well, anyway, um...

so long as, you know,

I'm not gonna be here New Year's Eve, uh, um...

could I have my kiss now?

Hm?

Oh, come on, Phyllis, please, will you?

Come on, Alex.

No. Come on, let's... Come on.

Just give me a little kiss. Come on. Phyllis.

Phyllis, please... Alex, come on.

Come on, let's just pretend, you know...

I don't want... I don't want to...

Alex, come on, we'll just pretend it's New Year's Eve.

Okay? Right here. No, we don't have

to do this. Four...

Phyllis... Three...

Oh, come on, Phyllis.

Two... Please, please.

One. Why don't you just

make it a nice...

¶ Should auld acquaintance ¶

Phyllis, Phyllis, stop that.

¶ Be forgot Phyllis, Phyllis, stop that.

I'm not gonna do it, Phyllis.

¶ And never brought to mind...¶

Phyllis!

Happy New Year, Phyllis.

Happy New Year, Alex.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Merry Christmas, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)