Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Buried

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ Dead and buried

♪ When God comes and He calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

Come on!Do not touch the trim!

[ Scooter whirring ]

Hey, hot stuff.

Aw, hell no.

You best get on unless you wanna get bit by my dog.

You ate your dog.

It was Thanksgiving, damn it. Don't you judge me.

Now get the hell off my land

or I'll make up something else to bluff your ass with.

Oh, baby, I can see you're hurtin'.

I miss having all your stringy green arms

wrapped around my bosom, my -- my front butt,

my back butt, and my neck

during them special times when I requested a choking.

I'd be a fool to take you back. A stone cold fool.

Now, you just get the hell on, right now!

Well, I had to try.

Hey, now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, now.

Truth is I been lonely, little gal.

Once the bar lights comes on

and womans see I got all these wiggly danglers

and I'm filled with this wobbly jelly,

I'm banished to the friend zone.

Well, I'm here to invite you to my friends-with-benefits zone.

[ Grunts ]Hell yeah!

Whee. Hell yeah.Whoo! Let's do it, baby!

Bye, Daddy. She ain't no good for you.

Don't marry her again.

Hey, don't be crotch-blocking me, you damn turd.

Sometimes a hand-milf needs more than just hands.

She needs the slippery, suckery touch...

of squid wigglers from outer space --

space...space...space...sp-- [ Wheezes ]

[ Eerie music playing ]

Uh, I don't mind role-playing,

but these fellers ain't even dressed up.

Oh, don't mind Alphonso and Lucas.

I'm just so proud we're back together,

I want to broadcast it to the whole world.

Now talk them words.

Uh, glorp glorp gleepy... glork.

Now... take me to your wiener.

Gloop gloop dippity doo.

There. That's got it.

Hell yeah! I mean glork -- glork -- glo-o-o-rk!

Mm, yeah.Glorkity glork glork, baby!

Yeah!

Who has seven wigglers and just got laid?

Granny: This guy!

What?

Who the hell would put their damn pecker up in you?

That guy!

I'll call ya. No, you won't.

Later, Gibby.

[ Door closes ]The answer is me.

This guy! Whoo!

Daddy, I don't think you and Mama are good together.

Well, too bad, 'cause we're together forever this time, son.

This time, it's love.

It sure looks like you're in love in this one.

Early: Glork glork glork glork!BigWigglers.com?

Yep. Homemade hentai tentacle porn.

Some real freak shit.

She told me she was filming this just to have something

to show to our grand-youngrins!

Give me a peek of that beak.

Don't be reaching for the beak.Show me the beak!

I'm -- I'm a little sensitive about it.

Are we rolling on this?My beak! Oh, no!

I opened up to her!

You sure did.

All the way up.

I'm no beak freak myself.

I only go to this site when nothing else will get it done.

[ Insects chirping ]Open up!

Where you been? Get your ass in wardrobe.

Your love for me was no more real

than this toy version of downtown Tokyo

you's had me destroy!

[ Hinge squeaks ]Oh, I've hurt you.

And that's the last thing I wanted.

But I also like subscriber-driven revenue,

and that's the firstthing I wanted.

Wha-ho! Get your fingers out of my B-hole.

But I'm weak for dat beak.

You're just feeding me a damn line.

I ain't just a life-support system

for these sexy-ass wigglers.

I got a soul! I'm a person here!

[ Door opens, closes ][ Sighs ]

I guess we're back to fartin' on cakes.

Lucas, switch to the telephoto.

♪ Happy birthday, Mr. President ♪

[ Sniffs, sobs ]

[ Sighs, sobs ][ Farting ]

[ Crying ]

Daddy, this video is still up.

Your beak is hanging out for the whole world to see.

I know!

I should have circumcised your ass

when I had the chance, you son of a bitch!

What are you doing? No! No!

Oh, don't cut your beak off! That's your moneymaker!

Yeah. That's right. Listen to the purple one.

Just checked your comments. They're blowing up.

"Buff Beakman scores a direct hit

for this beak-seeking missile."

CalamariCop just posted raindrops...and eggplants?

That's a really good sign when they start putting up veggies.

Ooh. Somebody done some fan art.

A tattoo! Well, looky there!

About damn time the Internet started talking about me!

Daddy, this is a fetish thing for weirdos with problems.

Looks like somebody's got a touch of beak envy.

Please don't embrace this.

Keep clutching your pearls, ya puritan!

I'm gonna keep doing me!

Mama is just using you, Daddy.

I know, and she's out.

People don't come to Big Wigglers to be chubby chasin'.

They come for my big and naturals.

Ain't that right, beaky?

That's right! Beaks out, freaks out!

I mean, nobody goes to that site anyway, right?

Early: Ooh. Rising from the briny deep...

Mm. This is gonna crash my computer, ain't it?

You was warned not to come into these waters.

Ha ha.

Don't forget to hit like and subscribe!

It really helps us out!

Wow. Early's normally very beak-shy.

Even when he exposes hisself to women,

he makes sure to hide the beak.

Hell, he won't even let me cavity-search the thing.

That ain't the point, Sheriff.

He's making pornography in Dougal County.

We got standards in this community!

Well, you're part of the community, too, Detective --

or should I say TheCalimariCop?

I-I got hacked! Somebody hacked me!

Member since 2007?

That -- That there's a friend's log-in!

I don't get off on this!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

A samurai sword?

Yeah. That's from my online wish list.

The fans just wanna give back.

There's a fortune for you in this business, too, son.

You got the assets.

I'm down to clown!Yeah.

I got a wealthy fan flying in from J-Pan tomorrow

for a live and in-person tentacle tsunami.

I sure could use some extra stunt wigglers.

I said I'm down to clown.

Did you hear me when I just said that?

[ Sighs ] I don't think so, Daddy.

It's just the Internet.

It ain't like it's gonna be up there forever.

So they just send you this sword?

For free?

You like it? Keep it. It's yours.

And there's plenty more where that come from.

You just come on down to the motel tomorrow afternoon,

and bring you wigglers.

We can finally, you know, bond like you keep carrying on about.

Wait a minute. You ain't sayin' that we're gonna --

Oh, no, no. Not that way.

It ain't like we're pulling a beak train.

She said she's down to clown!

I heard ya, and it's a hard pass!

Pastor: And they sewed fig leaves together

and made themselves loincloths.

And the Lord said, "Who told you that you were naked?

Have you eaten from the tree

of which I commanded you not to eat?"

Early: Couple of prudes, right?

I mean, if you got it, flaunt it.

You know what I'm saying?Early, do you need something?

Just attention. That's all.

I love what the Lord done give me,

and so do others, apparently.

You may have seen my vidjas -- "Beak Freaks on the Street,"

"Beak-a-Boo," "Weak for Dat Beak"...

Oh, we're well aware, Early.

In fact, we're going down to the motel this afternoon to protest.

Plug the site.

Did I mention that I'm adding on-demand customized videos

at TheresSuckerPornEveryMinute. com?

Okay, folks. I think we're done for today.

Okay. We'll see everybody at 2:00, all right?

[ Gong sounds ]

Buff Beakman! He's here!

You honor us, Buff Beakman!

Buff Beakman!Yes, yes, it is he.

Which one of y'all lucky mans paid for the experience?

The Wiggler Tsunami is for my beloved father,

but perhaps you would honor us with your autograph

on our butt cheeks.

Oh, sure. Of course. Anything for the fans.

You mentioned some mystery wiggler?

That's right.

My son Rusty's getting into the business.

Oh! [ Laughs ] Oh!

Yes!

Oh-ai-ha!

I can't believe I'm gonna do this.

At least he'll have you.

I'd give anything to be in that room.

They call me grave bait.

Ah, let's go in there and have some fun!

Let your beak flag fly!

It ain't my call, but I wouldn't do it.

All: Heck no! No porno!

Go somewhere else to suck and blow!

Heck no! No porno!

There's the sodomite right there!

Sexual deviant!

Oh, come on, Pastor. It's just me.

Yeah, I know, Rusty. It's just part of the job.

Smut peddler!

[ Crowd shouting ]That's right! He is!

Welcome to the family business, son!

Purveyors of filth! Whoremongers!

Hey, y'all keep it down.

We're trying to get clean audio in here.

There ain't nothing clean going on in there!

Easy, Pastor. Let's not kink-shame the man.

When it comes to sex, who's to say what's right or wrong?

The Bible, Sheriff!

But Kinsey tell us that we're all somewhere

on a broad spectrum of desire --

hetero, homo, BDSM leather daddies.

I mean, me personally, I like to be sealed up in a latex bag

with an air hose up my nose.

What does your precious Bible have to say about that?

[ Cellphones beeping ]

Now, I-I told y'all that in confidence,

so don't run off to your message board with that little tidbit.

Y'all -- Glen, put your phone down.

Stop recording me.

All of you, put your phones down.

Everyone, p-please --

please disperse.

I-I've said way too much now.

About goddamn time you showed up.

Be sure to frame his face out.

[ Chuckles ] He don't likedoin' porno.

Ooh, yes. Time for my wiggler tsunami.

Wiggle 'em, Rusty. Come on. Let's go.

Make 'em bounce. Like this here.

Oh! Give his man his show.

Ohh. Yes.

I-I'm sorry, Daddy.

Sorry for what?

Wah! Ha! Wah!

Aah!

Oh! My wigglers!

Wah!

I ain't saying what you're doing is right or wrong!

I'm just saying it's really weird and embarrasses me

and I had to put a stop to it!

[ Door opens, closes ]

This has turned me off greatly.

I will accept these as restitution.

Wait! No, no, no! Come back! I still got the beak!

That's right! Beaks out, freaks out!

Mm. Yeah. Not a beak man.

[ Insects chirping ]Yoo-hoo!

Hey! Where you going?I'm down to clown!

Hey, y'all want me to fart on your California roll?

Fried rice?

What exactly do y'all fart on over there?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

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