Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ Let it blow My turn.

Hell no.Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on!Do not touch the trim!

[ Meow! ]

[ Beeping ]

I've got it all.

And I'm gonna show you how I unwind

after a stressful week of taking it to the bad guys.

[ Siren wails ]Whoa! Four remote controls?

[ Alarm blares ]This is loco.

One for TV, one for DVD,

and who even knows what this one does?

But I've got just the fix.

You can do anything with duct tape,

from waxing your bikini area

to sealing the seams in duct work.

You can do anything with duct tape,

from waxing your bikini area...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Uh, that -- that's the same joke.

Now, I -- I didn't steal this joke, now.

I can't shut it off.

The stop button's covered in this goddamn duct tape!

Turns out duct tape is not very good for this type of job.

[ Clears throat ] Roll credits.

Ahhhh.

What's that sigh about? "Ahhhh."

This is good and fresh,

and my Web Deputy's gonna love this.

People don't want this boring bullshit on their feed.

They want action, like this.

Damn, Denny, you've got five hits.

Yeah, and that's up from four just a while ago.

[ Laughs ] And you ain't stopping, either.

Look at him go.It's a GIF, man.

Look, if you want to pull eyeballs,

gotta use footage from your dash cam.

No, Denny, that's probably illegal and unethical.

But it would be a fascinating window

into my action-packed world.

All right, Web Deputies, it's the Sheriff coming to you

from the mean streets of Dougal County.

It's a little quiet out here tonight,

but the only bar in town has just closed...

[ Engine revving ]...and if my instinct's correct --

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, shit.

Here I go![ Siren wails ]

We got a hot one. Officer in pursuit.

Get off of me!

He's driving backwards so I can't see his plates,

but I know that green face anywhere.

Get off my ass!

Oh, look out! Possible DUI.

Kind of impressive that he can drive backwards so fast

without jackknif-- whoa, jackknife!

He's off the road.

[ Police radio chatter ]

All right, y'all, let's do this.

Evening, sir.

Have you maybe had a few drinks tonight?

Shut your fat ass, bitch.

Okay, step out of the vehicle, sir.

[ Thud! ]Ohh.

All right, Web Deputies,

I'm about to conduct a field sobriety test on the subject.

Who the hell you talking to?

Note to edit -- we'll add some fun music here.

Is that one of them damn talking cars?

Hey, car, you some kind of robot?

I lost three damn jobs to robots,

and you about to pay for what your race has done to me!

Aah! Aah! My damn hands!

Early, come back here and get in the shot.

I'm making a viral video for the Internet.

Now, do this dance like I'm doing.

Look into the camera.

There you go. You got it.

[ Laughs ] Now we're really gonna get some hits.

Aah! Aah!

You ain't about to manipulize me

for free user-generated content!

I ain't some kind of flesh prop.

Not -- Not the TruckNutz.

Yes, the TruckNutz. No.

It's a damn trailer-hitch tea bag for you!

Oh, no. [ Sniffles ]

Sheriff. My friend!

What the hell'd you make me do, you stupid-ass brown drink?

Attention. Officer needs assistance. Come on.

Denny: Early, what are you doing in Sheriff's patrol car?

I'm requesting immediate, uh...

Molly Hatchet song.

Copy that.[ Song plays ]

Hell yeah!

Help, Web Deputi-- Aah!

Early: Damn right, baby!

Yeah, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm 'bout to to turn radius on this sum'bitch!

Yeah! Whoo!

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

No! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, Glenn, you see that link I just sent you?

[ Laughs ] That sum'bitch is crazy.

Yeah, uh, that sum'bitch is you.

I don't remember this happening, but to be fair,

I was over-served that night.

I like drinking, damn it,

and I drink a lot when I drink, I do.

Yeah, Sheriff's drinking a lot, too, these days.

Every meal, through a tube.

♪♪

Blue lives matter. How's he doing?

Oh, you got some big balls coming 'round here.

And not the ones you used to crush his skull with.

Hey, hold on now.

We ain't got to play the blame game here.

I mean, they's good people on both sides of this.

Ahhh.What's that sigh about?

[ Machines beeping ]

Howdy-do? Remember me?

I know who you are.

And I know what you done.

But do you know how I feel? Agh!

Blue lives matter. See? I bought this hat.

You almost killed me, Early.

Hey, them there was just locker-room shenanigans.

In time, we'll all laugh at this.

You'll see.Not out of my left eye I won't.

You get out of here. Nurse!

He's very emotional right now.

I'll get this.

[ Glug! Glug! ]

Oh, wait a minute.

What do these pills do?

Uh, they thin your blood,

and they increase your blood pressure.

Pretty good buzz, I'll tell you that.

First you're gonna take them tennis balls off the front.

There's way too much drag coefficient.

Now, try to walk to me.

Ugh! I-It's hard.

Yeah, ain't it, though?

You got to build up your core,

and then you can do this.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

See?

Agh! Ugh! Dang it!

I'll never get there.

Well, hey there, Sheriff.[ Clears throat ]

How you feeling, hoss?

I said, "Hey, Sheriff, how you feel--"

I heard ya, and it's none of your beeswax.

Ohhh.

Is this about that roadside beatdown I done and give you?

Look, I got you a gift, okay?

Since you're being such a damn pussy about everything.

Robot chair, see?

Government give it to us so Granny can get up stairs,

but we never did build that second floor.

-Ow! -It works good, though.

-Oh! -See?

Oh! Oh! Ow, stop! Stop it!

I'm not taking charity from you.

Please, Sheriff, take it!

We obviously don't need it. Aaaaah!

Stay in your damn room and leave us alone!

I'm hanging out with my buddy Sheriff here.

I ain't hanging out with you.

I'm hanging out with, uh...

Rusty, what do you got going on right now?

I'm just wrestlin' up some dinner.

Hey, uh, you want to hang out?

Well, you old as hell and fat and handicapped.

But a'ight.

Boy, Rusty, your daddy's being a real drama queen, ain't he?

I-I said, "Speak to the hand,"

'cause the heart's not open to him right now.

He was my BFF, but now he's a BFITP --

Best Friend In The Past.

Two snaps up.

I do miss him, though.

Is this what y'all do when you hang out?

Talk about feelings and shit?

Well, I do. He just listens.

He's a captive audience since most times he's --

[laughing] he's captive in my jail.

Oh, my stitches.

All right, man, well, uh, I'm late and I gotta go.

Uh, uh, go where?

I-I thought maybe we could Netflix and chill.

What the hell, man? It ain't like that.

I don't know what that means, Rusty.

I just saw it on the Internet.

Is it a drug thing?

Hey, Rusty.Hey, Tammi.

Hey, Tammi.God dang it.

Hey, BFFIPOE.

That's Best Friend Forever In Place Of Early.

S-Sheriff, um, I'm sorry, but I kinda promised Tammi

that we'd have us a -- a date night tonight.

Oh, I-I get it.

Y'all want to "Netflix and chill" without me.

[ Chuckling ] I looked it up.

I'll just hang out on the porch till date night's over.

If your dates are like mine, it'll be over pretty damn quick.

[ Laughs ]

We don't have a date night. Why'd you lie?

It is such a chore to hang out with him.

He's a damn fifth wheel.

Sheriff: Who's a fifth wheel?

Are y'all talking about me in there?

Oh, uh, a fifth wheel's important, too.

I mean, every car's got to have one of them little spare tires.

Oh, I'm a spare tire now, huh?

Sheriff: I was never a spare with your daddy.

I was the only wheel

on the unicycle joyride of friendship.

Oh, God, why can't he just go hang out with Daddy?

Your daddy disrespected him, and as of last night,

4 1/2 million people have LOLed at it.

His pride was shattered, Rusty, worse than his body.

My pride isn't sh-- Ooh!

Shit!

Y'all need a damn ramp out here!

Look, I've said "blue lives matter"

till I'm blue in the damn face.

You've seen the hat, but I guess it ain't enough for him.

Hell, if he's butt hurt, he just needs to get over it.

You expect him to get over this?!

[ Dance music plays ]

Hang on. This ain't the right one.

It's a damn trailer-hitch tea bag for you!

You either go apologize, or we gonna press charges.

Daddy, come on, man.

I understand.

I get it now.

Pussy baby needs to be babied.

All right, there he is.

Hey, Sheriff, hold up. I got something for you.

Oh, God, no!

Early, no, not the TruckNutz.

Yes, the TruckNutz. There you go, hoss.

Wail on me. Go on now.

Get to wailin'.

[ Crying ] I can't.

I-I just can't do it, Early.

I told y'all he's a pussy.

I-I just appreciate so much that you'd be willing

to let me whup on you

just so we can have our friendship back.

Sheriff, I know I'm a handful.

Friendship with me -- hell,

you know there's gonna be some ups and downs, right?

I-I know. I know.

You don't need no damn walker for support...

Actually, I d--

...'cause you got a good friend right here supporting you.

Bring it in, Early.

I'm already here.

I'm here, too!

[ Sniffles ]

Glenn, you check out that new link I sent you?

Uh, of the three dudes hugging?

Uh, yeah, unsubscribe.

You seen this one? It's pretty funny.

Whoo! He goes on a long time, don't he?

Yeah, it's a GIF.

No, it's pronounced "jif."

G-I-F -- jif.

GIF -- it stands for Graphics Interchange Format.

You call that long-neck jungle creature what eat leaves

out of trees a gir-raff?That depends.

Does it stand for Graphics Interchange-Raff?

'Cause if it does, then maybe it is a gir-raff.

JIF. It's a JIF.

Sheriff: Made in Georgia.