Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish that sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes to carry me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ Let it blow My turn.

Hell no.Hey, man, let me drive

that thing, come on!Do not touch the trim!

What the hell you doin'?

Well, I'm -- I'm dumping garbage in the garbage ditch.

The garbage ditch?! No!

I done told you you separate the glass

and your plastics and you dump those

in the recycling ditch.Like this?

Then you pour used motor oil on these

car batteries, and that's how you set it on fire.

Then the smoke rises up to the sky

where Jesus turns it into white, fluffy clouds.

So that's how recycling works?

Well, it takes a few extra steps,

but it's the right thing to do.

[ Groans ]

What the hell is this?

Ooh! It's one of them jade eggs

you put up your vajayjay.

It's for a spiritual detox.

Oh! Give me that!

This here is an authentic cannonball

from the war betweenst the states.

I guess Sherman must have dropped it

on his march to burn up Atlanta.

Atlanta didn't never burn!

Atlanta was a false flag operation,

and Abraham Lincoln was a crisis actor.

We stopped ol' Sherman dead in his tracks right here!

The Repulsion of the siege of Cuyler Mountain.

My great-grandaddy, your step-brother,

Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler,

single-handedly defended this mountain

from a Union brigade for two straight days

using nothing but one single solitary cannonball.

Granny: Didn't even have a cannon.

Are you saying that this could be that very cannonball?

The one and the same! Come on!

This is a priceless relic of the Confederacy!

Oh, we gonna donate it to the museum or somethin'?

Nope.

[ Groans ]

Die, Yankee! Whoo!

The South's gonna rise again!

Hey! Whoo!

That's my car, Early.

Hell, I know. We staging a reenactment.

Your car is the Yankees,

and it ain't going well for y'all.

Rusty, get away from that projectile.

Aw, it ain't gonna blow up.

I been trying to explode this damn thing all morning.

Early! Hmm.

Looks like a six-inch bore.

Feels like, hmm...

about 18 pounds.

This ordinance is worth some money.

Well, we ain't sellin' it.

Daddy says this cannonball is priceless.

Hold on, shut up.

What kind of price you talkin' 'bout?

My buddy Ollie buys and sells relics like these.

He's an expert on the Civil War and a super-cool guy.

Sharif! What are you thinkin' bringin'

a potentially explosive ordinance

to my Civil War replica booth?

You want to blow my priceless inventory sky-high?

[ Gunshot ]Oh, my Lord!

Early! Don't do that again.

Talkin' about it's just a dud.

How much you give me for it?

Stand back, everyone.

[ Gasps ]

I see a dewy field.

This is my favorite part.

Early morning, 1864, a low fog hangs over the valley.

The tension can be cut with the blade of a bayonet,

and it'll need to be,

as gunpowder is in dangerously short supply.

The soldiers are merely boys striving to become men,

but many of them will greet the sunset as corpses on this day.

And I've lost it. I can't see any more.

Sharif, set up the podcast equipment.

All right.We need to get out

the episode right now.

I'm sorry, Ollie,

I think I left the windscreen back at the house.

Fine. We'll just pop our P's straight into the laptop

like a couple of amateurs!

You're the most pitiful producer!

What do you even provide?

Damn, Sheriff, you gonna let him talk to you like that?

Just whose bitch are you, his or mine?

Uh, I brought you a guest.

I mean, Early here found this cannonball.

We could have him on.

Yep. Oh!

The bloodiest battle of the Civil War

was fought on my land with this very ball.

Oh, that's funny, 'cause I always thought

Chickamauga was the bloodiest.

But what would I know?

I'm only the author of three self-published

e-books on the subject.

And three, two...

[ Music plays ]

Whoo, a rebel yell and a hi-howdy-do, guys!

Welcome to the Podcast of Northern Aggression.

I'm your host, Oliver Peppercorn,

I'm poppin' my P's all over the place, Sharif.

Who do I have with me today?Um...

-Closer to the mic. -Uh...

My name's Earlan Jubal Stonewall Cuyler,

and this here is my world-famous cannonball --

the Sherman Slayer.

Yeah, yeah.Closer, Early.

My great-grandaddy held off all of Sherman's army

for two whole months in the dead of winter.

He killed 150 mans with this single cannonball,

and he'd climb up in the tree

and drop it on their heads like a big ol' coconut!

Even old Bill Sherman hisself couldn't stop it.

Hey, you get down from there. Oh!

Well, that sounds like a blatant lie.

But your ordinance appears to be authentic.

But some pockmarks and the aging,

I suppose I could tender...

$10 for it.

Why, that's a $50 ball, Oliver.

And there we go!

Watch as my profit margin sinks like the Merrimack.

Every time you speak, Sharif, it costs me money.

Wha-hoo! Hell yeah!

We gonna find us some more money balls

right where that one come from.

Man, you told me there's just -- just one ball.

You think my great-grandaddy took out a whole army

with just one damn ball?

Hell no!

He had a whole sumbitchin' arsenal of balls.

Well, he had one magic ball

that would hit people in the head...

...and return back to him just like a boomerang.

[ Thunder crashes ]

He could shake that thing, and it had a little window

in it that would pop up and tell him

where the opposing troops was.

Our land is chock full of them $50 balls,

and we gonna find every last one of 'em!

All right, Granny!

Aah!

Sift through this dirt and try to find some more cannonballs.

[ Muffled ] I don't see none.

Well, keep looking!

Hell, I know they're here, 'cause I said so!

[ Siren wails ]

Good news, y'all!

Ollie investigated the Repulsion

of the Siege of Cuyler Mountain,

and he feels like there's something to it.

Yes, there was a certain incident

that merits re-enactment.

I told you, didn't I?

This here is where ol' Sherman met his maker.

Lincoln, too -- probably.

And we'll cover the whole enchilada live on the podcast.

We also done and found some more priceless relics,

so we can sell 'em for the right prices.

This here is an authentic plastic

Mountain Dew bottle from 1865.

And this here is Robert E. Lee's personal...

[ Grunts ]

...tree root.

I appraise all of it at say...

$50, like you done for the ball.

No, thank you. I'm just here

to stage a historically accurate version of

"your little battle."

Why you do that with your fingers like that?

Whoo-hoo! A rebel yell and a hi-howdy-do, guys.

Welcome to the Podcast of Northern Aggression's

live re-enactment of the "Siege of Cuyler Mountain."

Gimme that!

And be sure to come by my munitions depot

afterwards to purchase some authentic Civil War cannonballs!

They come in historically accurate weights,

sizes, and colors.

[ Sniffs ]

Damn, that's good. [ Exhales deeply ]

That explains the smash-and-grab

at the bowling alley last night.

Keep your face down, Denny!

Ollie will tear you a new one

if he sees his corpses out here chit-chatting like this.

[ Clear throat ] Dead soldier, shut your yap hole.

Give me some smoke. Need to set the mood.

Oh, okay, I got it.

A Yankee rout has scattered

the Confederate battalion to the winds.

Dead bodies of brave men litter the grounds.

A lone, eight-legged figure emerges

from a rotted tree trunk.

This is Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler.

-Whoo! -To the north, the enemy waits,

which is why Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler

turns tail to head south,

halting only to abscond with a cannonball for personal gain.

This cast-iron ball should fetch a pretty penny.

And I'll sell in town and spend my two bits

on a lady of ill repute,

filling her with my crippling gonorrhea.

Oh, I call bullshit!

Ain't no Cuyler gonna disclose that he had

the damn gonorrhea.

It's true.

They don't tell you till afterwards.

Please don't interrupt the flow.

Thank you.

Young Jefferson rolled the ball for two days straight,

all the way from Lexington.

Pshaw. I sure have built up

a mighty hankering for food now.

He opened his rucksack

and looked through his meager rations,

but there was no salted pork, no hardtack.

Perhaps this coat will make for a mighty lean broth.

And so, being an uneducated rube,

he boiled the coat in muddy creek water,

making for a thin nutritionalist gruel

which he called rebel broth.

That's a secret family recipe you're giving out!

He needed his strength to kill ol' Sherman with

the one cannonball, like I done and told ya!

Get on to that part!

Unfortunately, the lead from the coat buttons

leeched into Jefferson's mind and his body.

[ Coughing ]

And his final hours were spent hallucinating that he was

Rififi, Queen of the Birds,

trying to hatch and eggling.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

I am Rififi, queen of all birds!

Hatch forth, my prince!That didn't happen!

I have the diaries!

Jefferson expired from a combination of lead poisoning

and an easily-curable infection

gotten from self-pleasuring with a poison sumac leaf.

[ Groans ]

A less dignified death could not be imagined.

The end.

[ Applause ]Thank y'all.

Yeah, thank y'all.Oh, no!

Whoa, whoa, hold it! Hold it!

You skipped the scene where he fights off

an entire Union battalion

for two damn months in the dead of winter.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We didn't do that scene because that didn't happen!

What the hell?!Sheriff: Wait a minute!

You -- you had us get all dressed up

in period-specific costumes

just to lay face-down in a damn mud puddle?

Stop flapping your gums, Sharif,

you're still a corpse, remember?

Boom! That there is how it went down!

Boom! Boom!

Hey, Sheriff, people need to see the truth!

Yeah, that sounds like more fun.

-Yeah, let's do this one. -Hell yeah!

-I'm down with that. -Bam!

Ping, pow! Yeah.

All right, help me down on this.

This is not how it happened, y'all!

Ow, Sharif!

Stand down, soldier.

Yeah, the truth hurts, don't it, Ollie?

You're off the podcast, Sharif.

And give me back my ball. I paid $50 for that.

Oh, I'll give you your ball back.

Fire!

[ Laughter ]Oh, my Lord!

You're lucky this ball is--

[ Explosion, glass shatters ]

Wow.

Whoa.

We just saw a dude die.

Here, taste this.

[ Slurps ]

Um...

It needs a little more coat.

Yeah, rebel broth ain't no good without wool coat.

Well, you can take my coat,

'cause I'm done with the Civil War.

And I'm done with Ollie.

The podcast is over.

[ Slurps ]

When is this supposed to kick in?

Yeah, I think I'm feelin' somethin'.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[ Laughs ] She's tweaking!

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Caw, caw!

I feel it, too!

♪ Made in Georgia