Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Country music plays ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish that sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

-My turn. -Hell no.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing!

Do not touch the trim!

♪♪

♪ I lost my job

♪ Can't pay the rent

What gets me through

♪ Is your feminely scent

♪ Sitting on the porch

♪ Gazing in your eyes

And then my hand goes a searchin'

♪ For that treasure twixt your thighs ♪

♪ I want me some hanky, hanky-panky ♪

♪ Get my panky all stanky

♪ And after that, I'll say thankye ♪

♪ For giving me a stanky panky ♪

♪ Now don't go making me cranky ♪

♪ Come on and stanky up my panky ♪

♪ I think I told you quite frankly ♪

♪ Come on and make my panky stanky ♪

Okay. Uh...thank you.

But I don't think stanky panky is quite the right tone

for our Bible-themed amusement park.

Well, I don't think your theme-park audience

is ready for my level of filthy wordplay.

Well, we agree. This is not a good fit.

That's right!

Your theme park ain't got what it takes.

Enjoy playing your filthy song for Beelzebub.

I will, and He'll enjoy it

because unlike you, he knows I'm a major talent.

Great, the exit's right over there.

Good! I'm goin' to it!

Wait, what just happened here?

Next.

Whoo! Tammi! Yeah!

Sing your ass off, girl! Get you some!

You ain't got a guitar or nothin'?

Oh, no sir, I sing in church and with the radio.

Hey, man, I could beatbox with her if that'll help.

[ Beatboxing ]

Bup, bup, bup-bup, bup! Stick 'em!

Rusty, stop. Please.

You're right, you're right. This is your moment.

She's good though![ Clears throat ]

♪ Amazing grace

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a retch

♪ Like me

All right. Hold on.

I've heard enough.

You are hired.

All right, honey,

when the lights come up, the heat is on.

That's your moment.

So get them churros under the warming lamp

and stack 'em up like corn-wood.

Um...and I sing while I sell the churros?

Oh, no, no.

Let the churros do the heavy liftin'.

They sell themselves.

But I was auditioning to sing.

Well, you can sing into one of those churros

like it's a little microphone,

as long as the customers don't see you.

Check! Check!

Hey, boy, that's the mother of my son you're talking to!

Check. Test. One, two. Yeah!

That's the mother-of-the- son-of-my-illegitimate-son-

who-was-never-proven- in-a-court-of-law-

with-a-DNA-test son you talkin' to.

Make them pay for them churros

since they touched 'em.[ Sighs ]

Aw, don't listen to that sorry son of a bitch, baby.

Them was some fine warblings.

All this time, Tammi,

I thought you was just a sweet little piece of ass.

Little did I know,

there's value above your neck, as well.

Daddy, you ain't helpin'.

And she ain't your baby.

And stop touching me, Early.

The restraining order is still in effect.

Ah, come on now!

How am I supposed to comfort you

from 2,000 foot away?

Hell, I'm a physical person!

[ Guitar tuning ]

Early: Let's take it from the top. Ready?

♪♪

♪ You're the scotch in my soda ♪

[ Music stops ]

And that's when you sing

♪ "You're the rum in my cola" ♪

Okay? Yeah.

All right, let's try it again.

Here we go.

♪♪

♪ You're the scotch in my soda ♪

[ Music stops ]

You're the rum in my cola.

You gotta come in on a one.

Okay.

Once more, again, from the top.

♪♪

♪ You're the scotch ♪ One

No, you come in on a one --

you don't sing the word "one."

You know, "one" is not a very good lyric.

"One" ain't the lyric!

You sing "You're the rum in my cola"

then I sing "I slurp in your love straight with no chaser"

then you sing "I call you sweet love

the romance shit-facer"

And that's a fuckin love song, too.

So sing it with emotional feelings and what not!

And when do I sing this?

On the one.

And when's one now?

It's the first Goddamn beat, woman!

When I stop singing, that's when you start singing.

♪ You're the rum in my cola ♪

Stop singing when I'm talking to you.

But you said to sing when you stopped singing,

and you just stopped singing.

Just sing when I point to you.

Can you handle that?Absolutely.

I understand completely now.

I come in on the one.

[ Sighs ] Good.

Okay, here we go.

♪♪

♪ You're the scotch in my soda ♪

One...

Two...

Is that two?

Oh...s--

Rehearsal is over!

Aah![ Glass shatters ]

I guess when I broke out of your busted-ass womb,

I must've sucked all of the talent out of your teets!

Daddy, nobody wants to hear that.

I concede, it's a coarse insult,

but I tried subtlety and it bore no fruit.

I was talking about the music.

Look, I know what your song's missin'.

Go on and play it again.

♪♪

[ Beatboxing ]

♪ You're the scotch in my soda ♪

[ Rapping ] ♪ Soda, Dakota

♪ "Star Wars" got a Yoda

♪ There is no try only do... said Yoda ♪

[ Beatboxes ]

I mean, that's all I got 'cause I was freestylin',

but, you know, if we sat down and wrote some lyrics,

it'd be better.

[ Glass shatters ]

I was feelin' your flow there, but...

God, your rhymes are bad.

I am surrounded by tone-deaf nitwits!

Tammi: You ready, babies?

Time to lay down and go night-night.

Aw. There you go, baby.

Early: [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Put me in a onesie. [ Chuckles ]

Powder mybottom.

Ooh. Yeah, baby.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Randy, did you just hear somethin'?

[ Imitating wind blowing ]

Must just be the wind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just the wind.

[ Imitating wind blowing ]

♪ Hush little baby don't say a word ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪

♪ And if that mockingbird don't sing ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪

Early: ♪ And if that diamond ring turns brass ♪

♪ Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪

♪ And through this looking glass, I see ♪

♪ You ain't 'sposed to be within 2,000 feet ♪

♪ Papa's violatin' that court order ♪

♪ So, Mama, please shut off your video camcorder ♪

♪ Mama done grabbed her a can of mace ♪

♪ Gonna pepper spray Papa in his foul squid face ♪

Aah! Aah! Aah! Ow! Ow!

I'm calling the police.

Tammi, what the hell'd you do that for?

We just made magic just now!

I will admit, that sounded nice.

Your voice has some character.

And I know how to pick me a guitar too.

[ Guitar chords play ]

I play pretty as hell.

And that's exactly what you need, little gal --

a guitar player.

And I need me a lead singer

who looks and sounds fine, like I do.

You see where I'm goin' with this?

Yeah, it's a clumsy attempt to sleep with me.

No, I-I need me a musical partner, that's it!

And you need me, too.

You seen what we done to that baby just now.

We get together,

we could put whole crowds to sleep.

Well, it might be fun to sing with somebody

other than the radio.Yeah.

And I could give you an exotic oriental foot rub

while we're singing.

[ Smooches ]

Strictly platonic.

Gross! Get off me! God!

Look, if we're gonna do this,

we're keeping the restraining order in place.

How we gonna duet from 2,000 feet away?

I ain't got 2,000 feet of microphone cable.

All right, I guess I could keep

the pepper spray trained on you,

but no exotic foot massage.

I -- I'm gonna be a perfect gentleman, I swear!

And to show you how serious I am,

here's all your panties I done stole from you

over the years.

Returned with interest! See?

This here's one I picked out from a private collection.

I don't need my mama's underwear, thanks.

You could use it for a blanket or somethin'.

Maybe you got a horse that's got two heads

or...hell, I don't know.

If I'm gonna sing with you,

we gotta work on that ratty-ass look of yours.

I'm Big Daddy!

And I'm Li'l Mama!

And together we are...

Muscadine Wine!...Muscadine Wine!

♪ You're the scotch in my soda ♪

♪ You're the rum in my cola ♪

♪ I'll slurp down your love straight, no chaser ♪

♪ I'll call your sweet cocktail The Pain Eraser ♪

♪ Girl your lovin' makes me feel so stoned ♪

♪ Boy, don't make me have to drink alone ♪

♪ We go together like scotch and soda ♪

♪ Bottoms up

♪ Let's drink again

[ Cheers and applause ]Yeah!

Let's drink again, baby!

[ Laughs ] How you like that?

Oh, that's how the song goes.

No wonder he threw me

through that plate-glass window.

Whoo! Thank you, Dougal First United Methodist!

Hell yeah! Goodnight!

Y'all wants an encore! Come on!

♪ I want me some hanky, hanky-panky ♪

♪ Get my panky all stanky No, no, no, we're not playing that one here.

Come on, let's go.♪ After that I'll --

Whoa! Whoa! What the hell?

That was some damn good music, Early.

I done slapped my knee black and blue.

My hand's black and blue too.

[ Chuckles ] I'm a hemophiliac.

[ Thuds ]

I gotta ask, man --

is she as tender and sweet

between the sheets?

Ow! Mind your business, lawdog!

That there beautiful, talented lady

is my professional colleague in melody, nothing more!

I guess I'm just jealous.

We dated once. Yeah?

And you left your damn crayons over there.

My burnt-sienna crayon? You found it?

I found all the ones you didn't eat.

You think you can leave them as a pathetic excuse

to weasel your way back into her life?

That's the oldest trick in the book.

Let's just focus on the burnt sienna for a moment, sir.

Where was the last known location?

Did you see it? Were we good?

I mean, I missed that one pick-up

but your daddy totally came in and saved me there.

I mean, what did you think?

Honey, is something wrong?

Look, in the beginning, I wasn't so thrilled

about you playing music with my daddy.

But now that I've heard you sing with him,

I am relieved to say

that your voices sound terrible together.

I mean, y'all damn suck. Whoof!

And when these people tell you you sound great,

honey, they're lying to you.

They're trying to make you feel better.

But I'm giving you the straight dope

'cause I care about you

and I don't want to see you embarrassed.

So you're jealous.Can't you see

my daddy's just trying to get in your pants?

Rusty, this is beneath you.

Well, my daddy wants you beneath him!

So you best decide who you want to be beneath, woman.

Now you're pissin' me off.

I'll have you know,

your daddy's been a perfect gentleman.

We have a professional relationship.

Ah, so just because he can pick a little guitar,

you're gonna get all hot and bothered?

That's pathetic, Tammi!

Rusty: Hey, Mr. Hubbard.

I need to learn how to be really good at guitar

and singin', like professional-level,

and I need to do that today, if at all possible.

Problem with your lady, huh?

How'd you know?

It's the only reason

men learn how to play guitar.

Why do women learn how to play guitar?

Women don't play guitar, son.

They're too busy makin' babies

for men who know how to play guitar.

Here, take this and see if you can follow me.

♪ You take the lowest string ♪

♪ The high E

♪ You tune 'em down

♪ Both to D

♪ You take the A string

♪ You tune it down to G

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Man: Now you're rockin'!

If you squint real hard, it looks like I'm shreddin'.

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Show 'em what you got!

Son, let me give you a piece of advice about women.

There's more than one of them.

Find one who likes guys who can't play guitar.

But I love this woman.

In that case,

there's only one thing I can tell you.

I gave you a free guitar lesson,

so now you have to buy a snake.

You a copperhead or cotton-mouth man?

I really gotta move some snakes today.

♪♪

♪ You're the rum in my cola ♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

Aah! Snake!

[ Grunts ] Git!

[ Grunts ]

Rusty: Hey, Tammi.

[ Electric guitar chords play ]

I got you that there, uh, apology snake

to tell you I'm sorry.

And I want you to know,

you can play music with whoever you want.

Thank you, Rusty.

But you should also know

that I am now very good at guitar.

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Man: Now you're rockin'!

Rusty, that is Randy's toy.

Uh, it's custom-built. Check it out.

I can play behind my head like Stevie Ray Vaughan.

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Show 'em what you got!

[ Toilet flushes ]

Phew, oof.

That there was an extinction-level event.

♪♪

Daddy.

♪♪

Rusty.

What's this damn ridiculous git-up you got on?

Only a handful of people could pull off that look,

and that hand hold one person -- me.

She's gonna get tired of your little side-show real soon, Daddy.

And when she does, she's gonna come back to the real band.

Her half boyfriend and ex-brother.

Ex-boyfriend and half-brother.

And let's not flaunt that, okay?

[ Laughs ]

Sounds like somebody's jealous.

[ Guitar chords play ]

♪ Ooh, ooh

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Now you're rockin'!

Watch this here...

[ Guitar riff plays ]

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Show 'em what you got!

Just listen to this...

[ Guitar riff plays ]

[ Electronic guitar chords play ]

Now you're rockin'!

All right... You some chops.

Too bad for you,

they ain't hirin' no more bands

to play on that big-ass boat.

What do you mean boat?

Muscadine Wine has been booked

to headline The Outlaw Country Cruise, babay!

What? You sent in the tape?

They liked it? Are you for real?

It's a done deal. It's happenin'.

Oh, my God! Early!

But if you want to click around on a toy guitar

with this chug-nut...

[Chuckles] ...you go right ahead.

You son of a bitch!Rusty.

Come on, do somethin'! Now you're rockin'!

Police! Nobody move!

That's all right.

He come out here with a weapon, but that's okay.

I ain't gonna press no charges.

Rusty, this is a huge opportunity for me.

And if you don't get that,

maybe you just need to leave.

Well, fine!

Y'all have a good life together without me!

And I'm takin' my apology back too!

[ Cries ] [ Laughs ]

Hey! You dropped your ridiculous-looking clown wig,

made with real...

Real cadaver hair? Damn.

uh, never mind.

The wig is mine now!

Denny, what are you doing over there?

Denny: I got a hot tip

that there's some crayons on the premises.

Ah, the Burnt Sienna is in custody.

Over.

[ Horn blows ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Have a good 'un!

Are you absolutely sure we're playin' this thing?

This is all legit, right?

'Cause I've read the schedule three times.

I don't see us anywhere on it.

Well, if you announce a surprise guest,

then it ain't much of a damn surprise now, is it?

And it's weird that you're turning the shrimp buffet

into our merch table.

Hey! Git on out of here!

Them bandaners ain't napkins, haus.

And why isn't my face on the T-shirt?

Screen printing's expensive.

And they do charge more for extra faces.

Let's not make this an ego thing, okay?

Why are we the bush?

On a boat? Shh!

Hey, look! There's Early!

Hi, Early!

We're on a boat!Shh, shh, shh!

Stop drawing attention to us. We're undercover here.

I am a millionaire businessman from Ohio.

And you are my precious toddler

who thinks the world revolves around him.

I don't want to be on this cruise, Daddy!There you go.

I want to be on the Disney cruise

with Doofy and Marty Mouse!

Hey! Shut that wrinkly-ass baby up!

We're about to perform here.

Wait, we're playing here?

Right now?I'm Big Daddy...

And I'm still not clear

on whether this is a legitimate gig or not.

And together we are...

Muscadine Wine!Muscadine Wine!

No, no, no, shut this down right now.

Okay, that's our time, folks.

Y'all can come see us at the merch table.

Um, where exactly are we booked to play?

You ain't officially booked to play anywhere.

So pack up your gear and get on.

You're blockin' the shrimp.

Ugh, I knew it! You lied to me!

Oh, no, no, baby. Come on now.

You just tense

'cause of all the damn deceptions from my lie.

[ Slurps ] Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!Git my foot out of your mouth! Gross!

Stop stomping on me, you flat-footed bimbo!

This is over. I'm out.

I was only suckin' on your foot

'cause I felt sorry for you!

Muscadine Wine is over!

Damn it! It's over!

Hm, these is quality garments.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's me. Rusty. I came on this cruise to --

To spy on my ass. And where is Randy?

He's staying with my mama.

And your mama...

Remember we have the same mama?

He ain't with me.

[ Munches ]

I got me a deal on a cruise.

[ Munches ]

Kids are boring.

Where the hell is my son?

Hey, take a chill pill, man.

I left him with some little dude with a mustache.

He seemed pretty cool.

[ Mid-tempo music plays on TV]

You're gonna want burnt sienna for that king cab.

You're my favorite babysitter ever.

♪♪

[ Sniffles ]

[ Slurps, inhales sharply ]

♪♪

[ Slurps ]

Send somebody up here with a damn refill!

[ Slurps ]

More rum and less fruit this sonofabitchin' time!

[ Sniffles, cries ]

Well, that's some impressive climbing

considering how drunk you appear to be.

Hell, Steve Earle,

I can get me a toehold on this rock-climbing wall.

But in my music career, I'm a Goddamn failure!

I-I wouldn't say that.

I caught your very brief set next to the shrimp buffet,

and you and that girl sounded good together,

until she run off.

She is out of the damn band!

She is out of my life!

Hell, I'm out of my life!

I'm out of my Goddamn mind!

Hold up, brother.

Y-- you aren't thinking of ending it, are you?

Jumping off a rock-climbing wall on a cruise ship?

That ain't outlaw.

What the hell do you know about bein' an outlaw,

Shooter Jennings?

I've been arrested for armed robbery 37 times

at the same Goddamn convenience store.

I never learn!

[ Grunts, strains ]

"Outlaw" ain't about doin' things against the law.

It's about artistic freedom,

workin' outside the machine, doin' your own thing.

Not playin' by the rules, and listening to your gut.

That's outlaw.

Nikki Lane?

Swimmin' upstream, breakin' away from the pack.

That's outlaw.

Lucinda Williams?

Marrying and divorcing seven different women.

Smoking crack, weapons possession,

failure to appear in court.

That's all pretty outlaw, too. Right, Steve?

Ain't you supposed to be hostin' the coozie swap on deck 16?

Coozie swaps can be outlaw, Steve.

Yeah! Whatever helps you sleep at night!

Whatever helps your face sleep at night.

You might be an outlaw, Early,

but you sure don't look it.

What are you wearing on your head anyways?

By God. Is that real cadaver hair?

[ Sighs ] You're right.

Everybody's right.

I've been workin' against my gut this whole time!

Staying within the lines!

Following all the rules!

Well, I say, no damn more!

-There you go! -All right, now that's outlaw!

-Right on, man. -That's right, I'm an outlaw.

I've been following my pecker instead of my artistic vision.

I've got to be true to who I am!

A foot-lickin' freak who sangs for attention!

Yeah!

Well, that ain't outlaw, sugar --

that's just weird.

Don't you kink shame me!

[ Music plays, crowd cheers ]

♪ Rustin' like a dove in an iron cage ♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank ya.

Y'all like outlaw country?

Well, this sumbitch is the biggest outlaw I know.

He's a good friend of mine,

and he's willing to grace us with a song...

Mr. Early Cuyler!

Thank you, Steve.

When I said I wanted to play a song with you,

I fuckin lied!

All right! Everybody on the floor!

Get your ass on the floor right now!

Pass all your purses and green leafy moneys up in front!

Come on! Quick! Quick!

I'll admit, this is pretty outlaw.

Shut up and unhook your wallet chain.

I ain't shootin' skeet here!

I'm sorry about your band,

and that I didn't trust you, Tammi.

But not completely sorry, 'cause look.

Gimme all them drink cards too!

Them hurricanes is 13 damn dollars a piece!

[ Slurps ]

Yeah, I guess you called it.

Do you accept my apology?

Ew! Gross!

What the hell am I supposed to do with it?

All the shrimp in the buffet, in this bag!

Right now!

Crushed ice too, you moron!

You think I want to eat all this in one sitting?

Early, don't do this.

Oh, well, now, looky here.

She wants to be back in the band!

Well, tough toenails!

'Cause this here is a solo show!

Hell yeah, baby!

Daddy, this has got to be a felony.

Shut up, millionaire businessman from Ohio.

You just write me a check for a million dollars.

And put it in this here bag right now.

And if any of y'all try to find me,

you'll get a face full of ink.

[ Grunts ]

That's just a damn taste of what you gon' get.

So long, suckas!

You know he's got no idea how to swim.

Help! I can't swim!

I can't swim! Damn! Aah!

We need to throw him a life preserver, right?

I can't swim!

Uh...right?

Well, I mean, he's pretty far away now.

Shrimp, line up in an orderly fashion

and pull me to shore like a dog sled!

I am your aquatic king!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Well...

I hear there's

a build-your-own po' boy situation on deck 6.

Yeah, it's been a long day.

A self-made po' boy

would hit the spot right about now.

Yeah! Po' boys! Whoo!

Aah! Throw me a life preserver!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[ Dolphin calling ]

Early: ♪ Made in Georgia