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[ Static ]
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00:00:04,314 --> 00:00:07,114
[ Country music plays ]
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♪ My dreams are all
dead and buried ♪
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00:00:12,426 --> 00:00:18,596
♪ Sometimes I wish
the sun would just explode ♪
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00:00:18,639 --> 00:00:23,579
♪ When God comes and calls me
to his kingdom ♪
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00:00:23,609 --> 00:00:28,339
♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
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00:00:28,373 --> 00:00:29,583
-My turn.
-Hell no.
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00:00:29,615 --> 00:00:31,615
Hey, man, let me
drive that thing!
9
00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:33,382
Do not touch
the trim!
10
00:00:35,345 --> 00:00:38,245
Dan Halen: Every autumn, car-
loads of well-moneyed urbanites
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00:00:38,279 --> 00:00:41,589
storm these mountains
to gawk with idiotic wonder
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00:00:41,627 --> 00:00:42,797
at the innocuous
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00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:45,105
pigmentation-shift
of the foliage.
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00:00:45,148 --> 00:00:47,768
They jam our sad motels
to capacity,
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00:00:47,806 --> 00:00:49,286
spend their coin
16
00:00:49,325 --> 00:00:51,635
on our worthless
bumpkin-crafted trinkets,
17
00:00:51,672 --> 00:00:53,292
and fill their dripping maws
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00:00:53,329 --> 00:00:55,749
with our saccharine
homemade taffy.
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00:00:55,779 --> 00:00:57,089
But when the colored leaves
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00:00:57,126 --> 00:00:59,646
that camouflage
your abject poverty
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00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,480
fall from the trees,
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00:01:01,509 --> 00:01:05,689
so, too, do the tourists
fall from our grasp.
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00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,720
[ Clicks ]
24
00:01:06,756 --> 00:01:08,586
And that's why
this is the time
25
00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:10,620
to build that
gravy museum.
26
00:01:10,656 --> 00:01:12,586
You know, it could, uh,
be in the shape
27
00:01:12,624 --> 00:01:14,874
of the world's
largest gravy boat.
28
00:01:14,902 --> 00:01:18,222
I drew this, um...
mascot -- Groovy Gravy.
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00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:21,810
He's sort of a fun way
to introduce people to- gravy --
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00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,570
Leaf!I'm leaving. Okay, yeah.
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00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,880
No!
That's my tourism plan.
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00:01:25,913 --> 00:01:31,163
LEAF --
Leaves Ever Autumn Forever!
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00:01:31,194 --> 00:01:33,924
I've developed a proprietary
chemical compound
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00:01:33,955 --> 00:01:36,435
that will permanently
transform the leaves
35
00:01:36,475 --> 00:01:38,475
to their autumn hues
and prevent them
36
00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:40,132
from ever dropping
from the trees!
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00:01:40,169 --> 00:01:42,899
The foliage fanatics
will stay year-round,
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00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:45,420
propping up my failing
hay-ride business,
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00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:50,590
and absolutely nothing can,
or ever will, go wrong!
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00:01:50,627 --> 00:01:54,697
[ Engine rumbling ]
41
00:01:54,735 --> 00:01:56,735
Well...
the leaves changed.
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00:01:56,771 --> 00:01:59,261
Where's all
the customers?
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00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:01,641
We ain't sold a single peach
all day.
44
00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:04,613
Oh, them city slickers
love them fall colors,
45
00:02:04,641 --> 00:02:06,611
but they don't buy no fruit
from us, do they?
46
00:02:06,643 --> 00:02:08,233
Hell no.
47
00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:09,816
Hey, y'all.
Look, we got a customer coming.
48
00:02:09,853 --> 00:02:12,513
Hey --
Get the fuck
off my land
49
00:02:12,546 --> 00:02:13,646
Git!
50
00:02:13,685 --> 00:02:14,955
Get the hell on
out of here.
51
00:02:14,996 --> 00:02:16,856
Whoa, Early! Hold up.[ Breathing heavily ]
52
00:02:16,895 --> 00:02:19,165
Look, all this
aggressive gunplay
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00:02:19,208 --> 00:02:21,828
is really turning off
potential tourists.
54
00:02:21,865 --> 00:02:23,755
I mean, how are we gonna
sell fruit to people
55
00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:27,628
if you shoot the people dead
before they can buy the fruit?
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00:02:27,664 --> 00:02:29,874
Unless you shot them
after they bought the fruit,
57
00:02:29,908 --> 00:02:31,878
and then we could
just reuse the fruit.
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00:02:31,910 --> 00:02:33,530
Hey, y'all.
Everybody look alive.
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00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:34,707
Customers!
Interlopers!
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00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:36,050
Early, no!
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00:02:36,086 --> 00:02:38,496
Instead of telling them
to get the helloff your land,
62
00:02:38,537 --> 00:02:41,947
why don't you try asking them
to get the hell onyour land?
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00:02:41,989 --> 00:02:44,439
Hey. [Chuckles]
You guys selling fruit?
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00:02:44,474 --> 00:02:47,724
Get the hell o-- o--
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00:02:47,753 --> 00:02:49,893
on...
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00:02:49,928 --> 00:02:52,308
my land.There you go.
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00:02:52,344 --> 00:02:53,904
[ Chuckling ] This --
This isn't fruit.
68
00:02:53,932 --> 00:02:56,662
These are, uh, rocks just
painted to look like fruit.
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00:02:56,693 --> 00:02:58,803
Well,
they'll never go bad.
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00:02:58,833 --> 00:03:01,633
That's our
perma-fresh guarantee.
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00:03:01,664 --> 00:03:04,224
We sell it by the pound.
Rocks weigh more.
72
00:03:04,253 --> 00:03:05,603
It's simple math, dumbass!
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00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:07,333
[ Whispering ]
Try adding a smile now.
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00:03:10,259 --> 00:03:12,949
[ Strained ] They're a good
conversation piece.
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00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,945
[ Engine revs ]
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00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,540
[ Chuckling ] Wow!
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00:03:19,578 --> 00:03:21,748
You almost closed
a deal, Early.
78
00:03:21,787 --> 00:03:24,477
You're right.
It's all in the delivery.
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00:03:24,514 --> 00:03:26,344
Sheriff: Ooh-whee!
80
00:03:26,378 --> 00:03:29,798
Just look at those oranges
and yellows and reds!
81
00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:32,760
These chemicals are
really working, Mr. Halen.
82
00:03:32,798 --> 00:03:35,488
And is that
pumpkin spice?
83
00:03:35,525 --> 00:03:38,665
Ah, you noticed.
Yes, we're doing flavorings now.
84
00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:42,501
Gingerbread in December,
barbecued brisket in July.
85
00:03:42,532 --> 00:03:44,292
Look at that,
would ya?
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00:03:44,327 --> 00:03:46,987
♪♪
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Who'da thought
the deep-fried pine booby
88
00:03:49,919 --> 00:03:51,849
would be matin'
this late in January?
89
00:03:51,886 --> 00:03:54,366
The colored leaves
make every species
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00:03:54,406 --> 00:03:56,616
want to...
bury the sausage.
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00:03:56,650 --> 00:04:00,310
Yes, Chattanooga
is a frozen moonscape,
92
00:04:00,343 --> 00:04:05,003
while we are soaked to the tits
with people and money.
93
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:07,827
And it's trickling all
the way down, Mr. Halen.
94
00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:11,728
Look who just put out a brochure
for his new business.
95
00:04:11,768 --> 00:04:16,008
♪♪
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00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,598
Welcome to Cuyler Farms B&B,
my friends,
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00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:21,637
poverty-stricken country living
at luxury prices!
98
00:04:21,675 --> 00:04:23,775
Just look at them leaves!
Y'all see them leaves?
99
00:04:23,815 --> 00:04:25,575
Coloredly leaves
everywhere!
100
00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:27,960
It's gorgeous.Like a tapestry.
101
00:04:27,991 --> 00:04:29,511
That's boringer
than hell to me,
102
00:04:29,545 --> 00:04:31,335
but y'all seem to be
going crazy for it!
103
00:04:31,374 --> 00:04:32,934
Hell yeah!
104
00:04:32,962 --> 00:04:35,482
Here we have the main
living space and kitchen
105
00:04:35,516 --> 00:04:37,586
and sometimes bathroom
when it's dark or cold
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00:04:37,622 --> 00:04:39,492
or I'm drunk or just lazy.
107
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:40,830
This is genuine poverty.
108
00:04:40,866 --> 00:04:42,626
Happy hour is
every night and day
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right here
in this corner,
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00:04:43,869 --> 00:04:45,419
over here
by the party liquor bottles.
111
00:04:45,457 --> 00:04:47,317
Ah!
So authentic.
112
00:04:47,356 --> 00:04:50,456
Our resort and convention center
sleeps 24 comfortably.
113
00:04:50,497 --> 00:04:52,357
Perfect for family reunions
and corporate retreats.
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00:04:52,395 --> 00:04:54,355
Adorable!
115
00:04:54,397 --> 00:04:56,947
I'll be sleeping in here in
the master suite with your wife,
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00:04:56,986 --> 00:04:59,126
catering to every
toe-sucking need.
117
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,650
Wait, you said that
there'd be separate rooms.
118
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,510
[ Moaning ]
119
00:05:03,544 --> 00:05:05,824
Let me show y'all
the hot tub, huh?
120
00:05:05,857 --> 00:05:07,447
[ Electricity crackles ]
121
00:05:07,479 --> 00:05:08,829
Heater don't work.
122
00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:09,620
Works on body heat.
123
00:05:09,654 --> 00:05:11,904
Show 'em the massage jets,
honey.
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00:05:11,932 --> 00:05:13,112
Here.
125
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:15,380
[ Farts ]
[ Water bubbles ]
126
00:05:15,418 --> 00:05:17,968
I set it to pulsation.
[ Chuckles ]
127
00:05:18,007 --> 00:05:20,007
[ Chuckles ] Uh-oh.
128
00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:22,913
[ Squirting ]There's so much
to see and do!
129
00:05:22,943 --> 00:05:25,743
Learn how to make
authentic mountain rock candy
130
00:05:25,773 --> 00:05:27,913
out of common household
cleaning products.
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00:05:27,948 --> 00:05:31,808
First sample is free.
[ Laughs ]
132
00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:32,948
[ Inhales sharply ]
133
00:05:32,987 --> 00:05:34,677
Lil: [ Coughs ] Yeah!
134
00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:36,163
Is that crystal meth?Yes, it is.
135
00:05:36,197 --> 00:05:39,437
And over here, we have
"Ride You A Possum!"
136
00:05:39,477 --> 00:05:42,167
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Giddyup now! Hya!
137
00:05:42,203 --> 00:05:45,033
And for you space buffs,
get you an eyeful
138
00:05:45,068 --> 00:05:48,418
of "The Incredible
Flaming Day Moon."
139
00:05:48,451 --> 00:05:50,801
Early: Available
from Dawn to Dusk.
140
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:52,493
Man: Awful lot
of planes up here.
141
00:05:52,524 --> 00:05:54,494
What is, uh,
with these purple clouds?
142
00:05:54,526 --> 00:05:57,806
Yeah, it smells
like peppermint mocha.
143
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,390
And bleach.Oh, don't worry.
144
00:06:00,429 --> 00:06:02,979
Uh, that's just,
uh, natural, uh...
145
00:06:03,017 --> 00:06:04,807
farts.
146
00:06:04,847 --> 00:06:07,187
Uh, from a bald eagle.Yeah, just a cloud
of eagle farts.
147
00:06:07,228 --> 00:06:08,468
Yeah, yeah.
148
00:06:08,506 --> 00:06:09,916
Now, y'all just relax,
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00:06:09,955 --> 00:06:12,505
take a deep series of
short, shallow breaths,
150
00:06:12,544 --> 00:06:14,064
and enjoy the beauty --
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00:06:14,097 --> 00:06:15,647
[ Shrill growling ]
152
00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:17,445
[ Groaning ]
153
00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:21,587
Look, honey,
a deer.
154
00:06:21,622 --> 00:06:22,872
[ Groaning continues ]
155
00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:23,999
[ All scream ]Oh, my gosh!
156
00:06:24,038 --> 00:06:26,588
What the hell?Well, that was intense.
157
00:06:26,627 --> 00:06:28,657
Now, I would say
y'all go and wash off
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00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:31,008
in a majestic
60-foot waterfall,
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00:06:31,045 --> 00:06:33,975
but I lied about having
one of them in the brochure.
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00:06:34,014 --> 00:06:37,024
[ Plane engine roars ]And over to your left, everyone.
161
00:06:37,051 --> 00:06:39,051
Ooh, it's a pumpkin
for you to gawk at!
162
00:06:39,088 --> 00:06:40,498
Honey, look at
the pumpkin!
163
00:06:40,538 --> 00:06:42,508
-Oh, my God!
-Get your camera!
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00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:44,440
Don't lock eyes with it
for crissake.
165
00:06:44,473 --> 00:06:45,893
You'll antagonize it.
166
00:06:45,922 --> 00:06:47,132
Hey, Mr. Halen.
167
00:06:47,165 --> 00:06:49,685
Uh, I was hoping to talk to you
about your chem-trails.
168
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:51,479
I'm worried they're having
a negative effect
169
00:06:51,514 --> 00:06:54,454
on the --
Uh, Mr. Halen?
170
00:06:54,483 --> 00:06:56,003
This used to be a deer --Put that away!
171
00:06:56,036 --> 00:06:57,586
The hell are you
trying to do?
172
00:06:57,624 --> 00:06:59,664
I was hoping maybe you could
tweak the formula.
173
00:06:59,695 --> 00:07:01,795
You know, something less toxic
and more organic.
174
00:07:01,835 --> 00:07:02,725
Organic, huh?
175
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:05,177
How about I take
out my organ
176
00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,697
and you suck it?
177
00:07:06,736 --> 00:07:08,186
Would that be organic?
178
00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:09,950
[ Horse neigh ][ Woman gasps ]
179
00:07:09,981 --> 00:07:11,781
No, don't -- don't --
don't look at the horses.
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00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:13,540
Look away.
Look over there.
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00:07:13,571 --> 00:07:15,021
A family of ducks!
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00:07:15,055 --> 00:07:16,605
[ Indistinct talking ]Woman: Oh, my God!
183
00:07:16,643 --> 00:07:18,023
Don't -- don't --
don't look at the ducks.
184
00:07:18,058 --> 00:07:21,158
Hey, everyone, let's look
at down at our phones!
185
00:07:21,199 --> 00:07:25,269
♪♪
186
00:07:25,306 --> 00:07:27,236
Woman: Where are
the vibrant reds?
187
00:07:27,274 --> 00:07:28,864
The bright oranges
and yellows?
188
00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:30,686
I can't even see
the flaming day moon!
189
00:07:30,726 --> 00:07:32,176
Oh, uh, it's up there.
190
00:07:32,210 --> 00:07:34,140
Hey, y'all come over
to the main stage
191
00:07:34,177 --> 00:07:36,037
for a backwoods hoedown!
192
00:07:36,076 --> 00:07:38,796
Hey-but-a-ho-but-a-hey-but-a-ho-
but-a-hey-but-a-ho!
193
00:07:38,837 --> 00:07:41,697
But-a-hey-but-a-ho-but-a-hey-
but-a-ho-but-a-hey-but-a --
194
00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:43,007
Come on, woman!
Get up!
195
00:07:43,048 --> 00:07:45,148
I said a hoe-down,
not a whore, face down!
196
00:07:45,188 --> 00:07:46,538
[ Groans ]
197
00:07:46,569 --> 00:07:48,259
[ Crowd gasps ]Hold on.
198
00:07:48,295 --> 00:07:50,535
Just let me put
my face back on.
199
00:07:50,573 --> 00:07:52,513
Hey-but-a-ho-but-a-hey-but-
a-ho-but-a-hey-but-a-ho --
200
00:07:52,541 --> 00:07:54,201
Rusty: Hey, Daddy.
201
00:07:54,232 --> 00:07:57,582
I think them chemicals Dan Halen
sprayed may not be safe.
202
00:07:57,615 --> 00:07:59,995
-Oh!
-Oh, my God.
203
00:08:00,031 --> 00:08:01,581
Y'all take it easy.
E'rything's fine.
204
00:08:01,619 --> 00:08:04,659
Everything
not fine!
205
00:08:04,691 --> 00:08:06,111
[ Screams ]
206
00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:08,210
Oh, whoops. The trees have
done come to life.
207
00:08:08,246 --> 00:08:10,796
Perfectly normal.
Let's all just cozy inside.
208
00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:12,525
[ Growling ]Step lively, now!
209
00:08:12,561 --> 00:08:15,531
Dylan: Mommy!Dylan? Where's Dylan?
210
00:08:15,564 --> 00:08:17,264
My possum exploded.
211
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,079
[ Growls ]
212
00:08:19,119 --> 00:08:20,909
Dylan?
[ Screams ]
213
00:08:20,948 --> 00:08:21,848
Why?!
214
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,950
Daddy, this man wants
his money back.
215
00:08:23,986 --> 00:08:25,816
Help me![ Shotgun cocks ]
216
00:08:25,850 --> 00:08:28,680
Look,
the tree's got a gun!
217
00:08:28,715 --> 00:08:31,955
You did this!
You played God!
218
00:08:31,994 --> 00:08:33,694
[ Woman screaming ]
219
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,830
Nature's not a toy!
220
00:08:36,861 --> 00:08:39,971
I never asked
to be born!
221
00:08:40,002 --> 00:08:42,972
Oh, God!You did this!
222
00:08:43,005 --> 00:08:46,145
Oh, God!I was happy as a tree!
223
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:47,670
Oh, God!
224
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:50,359
I never wanted this!Oh, God!
225
00:08:50,391 --> 00:08:52,741
Tell my pinecones
I love them!
226
00:08:52,773 --> 00:08:56,363
Oh, God!Listen to Al Gore!
227
00:08:56,397 --> 00:08:58,677
[ Shotgun clicks ]
228
00:08:58,710 --> 00:08:59,780
It's out
of bullets!
229
00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:03,955
Then beat me to death
with it!
230
00:09:03,991 --> 00:09:05,651
Where the hell
are you going to?
231
00:09:05,683 --> 00:09:07,793
Ain't no refund
for early check-out.
232
00:09:07,823 --> 00:09:09,723
Tell your friends
and family.
233
00:09:09,756 --> 00:09:12,896
We thrive
on the word of mouth!
234
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:14,307
♪♪
235
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:15,656
Hello.
236
00:09:15,693 --> 00:09:17,183
I'm here to let you know
237
00:09:17,211 --> 00:09:20,011
that Dougal County's recovery
efforts are complete.
238
00:09:20,042 --> 00:09:23,322
The nightmarish,
Lovecraftian fog has lifted
239
00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,185
and we are open for business.
240
00:09:25,219 --> 00:09:26,839
Dougal strong!
241
00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:29,086
I'm also excited
to report that animals
242
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,160
are migrating back
into the region
243
00:09:31,191 --> 00:09:34,681
and are no longer bursting
into toxic goo.
244
00:09:34,712 --> 00:09:36,132
And look at these trees!
245
00:09:36,161 --> 00:09:38,821
Do they look like
they're abducting children
246
00:09:38,854 --> 00:09:41,344
or committing
very public suicide?
247
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:42,793
[ Chuckling ] No.
248
00:09:42,823 --> 00:09:45,623
No, those days are long gone.
249
00:09:45,654 --> 00:09:49,354
But our most valuable asset
is what's left of our people,
250
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:54,151
and they will greet you
with open arms and warm,
251
00:09:54,179 --> 00:09:56,039
partial smiles.
252
00:09:56,078 --> 00:09:58,178
And while you're here,
visit Groovy Gravy
253
00:09:58,218 --> 00:10:01,318
at the all-new
Dougal County Gravy Museum
254
00:10:01,359 --> 00:10:03,019
off business route 92.
255
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:04,090
Hey, man.
256
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,160
Come sop up
the history of gravy.
257
00:10:06,191 --> 00:10:08,641
OutOfSight.
258
00:10:08,677 --> 00:10:09,917
Thanks, Groovy.
259
00:10:09,954 --> 00:10:12,684
I'm from here,
I'm still here,
260
00:10:12,715 --> 00:10:15,855
and I'm not going anywhere
anytime soon.
261
00:10:15,891 --> 00:10:18,651
Why don't you get
on up here, too?
262
00:10:18,687 --> 00:10:20,787
We'll be waiting.
263
00:10:20,827 --> 00:10:24,237
And cut!
One more, faster.
264
00:10:24,278 --> 00:10:25,998
For safety.
265
00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:27,349
Anything for you,
my timber lord!
266
00:10:27,385 --> 00:10:30,005
Remind them,
bring children.
267
00:10:30,043 --> 00:10:32,293
Children safe here!Mommy, mommy.
268
00:10:32,321 --> 00:10:34,221
Children delicious.
269
00:10:34,254 --> 00:10:36,194
Don't say that part.
270
00:10:36,221 --> 00:10:43,471
♪♪
271
00:10:43,504 --> 00:10:51,134
♪♪
272
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:59,067
♪♪
273
00:11:01,730 --> 00:11:03,940
Tree: Made in Georgia.
19558
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