Original subtitles

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to the kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ Let it blow!

♪♪

My turn! Hell no.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Do not touch the trim!

What in the hell?!

What the hell?!

What the hell?!

Oh, good morning there, neighbor.

I'm just posting "no trespassing" signs

on my land, to make sure you don't set foot on my land,

which you thought was your land,

which is all the land around your house

except for the land under your house.

I know it's your land, even though I thought

it was my land all this time.

But it's my land, ain't it? Yep, it is.

'Cause the courts agree, and so does the county,

and I got the deed to prove it.

-J'ain't gotta rub it in!

An unauthorized adjacent structure?

That there's my home-gym workout room!

Bring it down.

No! My crapper! Damn!

Now you get this refuse off my land.

But don't you dare... trespass on...the land

to get the refuse... off my --

You know what? Forget it!

This is my land. This is my...refuse.

And I'll deal with it myself!

Daddy, we need to do somethin'.

Well, I'm fixin' to do something, a'ight.

I'm fixin' to threaten his ass!

You hear that, Dewey?! I'm threatening your ass!

I'm ignoring you!

-He's ignoring you. -I done ignored ya!

Nobody takes my threats serious without my damn gun.

Your gun's out in the truck.

That's on his land, too, ain't it? Damn it.

You take one damn step off that porch,

and I'll blow your damn toes off.

I'd like to see you try! Ow!! Damn!!

Well, I got more toes where that'un come from!

Damn it! You won't do it again!

You ain't got the damn balls! Ow!!

Damn it. He does have the damn balls.

But does he have enough balls to do it agai-- Ow!!

Damn!! Ooh. But the joke's on you, Dewey!

Hell yeah. 'Cause that wasn't my toe. That was my hand.

Stop blowing my damn fing--

At least leave me some nubs

so I can scuttle back to my shack!

I gotta run out for a bit.

I'll see y'all when I see ya.

Watch it! He's gonna blow your toes off!

-Right this way, Ruby Jean. -Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Why in the hell does she get to set foot on your damn land?

Why don't you blow her toes off, too?

We're gonna go visit my daddy's grave.

And as you well know, your mama had sex with my daddy

behind your daddy's back for years and years

and years and years and years.

You can't airbrush the truth.

Can I please go back to my truck

to get my gun so I can end this once and for all?

Uh, no, thank you.

Dewey Double J, keep an eye on this mutt.

Make sure he stays on his leash.

Dewey Duvall thinks he can outsmart me?

I ain't got to set foot on his damn land to get my truck.

-No, sir. -Daddy, don't --

Don't what? Don't use this live power wire as a zip line

to my truck where I can get my damn gun?

-Don't, Daddy. Don't -- -Too late! Whoo!

Hell yeah! Wahoo!

I made it.

Hold on.

What the hell's goin' on? Unh.

Ow!

Early, you really do need to get back on your own land

and stop causing trouble over here on the Duvall place.

Dewey Double J! What'd I tell you

about shootin' people with my shotgun?!

You are to use the semi-automatic

I done give ya for Bar Mitzvah!

H-Hold on now, Dewey. Hold on. This -- This ain't safe.

Shouldn't we put on some ear protection or something?

-Oh, right. Here ya go.

-You can have these. -Please don't.

-This here's got to be against a law of some sort, ain't it?

Yeah, Early. It's called trespassing.

And it's against the law.

All right, son, stand your ground.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Please!

Hold -- Hold up! Hold up, son!

It's kickin' all over the place.

Hold it tight to your shoulder, now.

-I'm goin'.

There ya go. That's a good groovy time.

-Call me if you need me.

All right. Enough of this. Get this cowpie off my property.

Daddy! Where's your eyeball?

I-I lost it during the firefight.

You know, I used to call your daddy "Dewdrop Honeydew."

Maybe I'll call you "Dewey Two-ey."

That suits me fine, darlin'. You take care, now.

Mwah.

Oh, baby. Yeah, yeah. Mm! Yeah, yeah. Mm!

Boy, I tell ya.

The apple...don't fall far from the tree.

And the shit don't fall far from the butthole!

That sumbitch has done took my land,

he's got a "will they, won't they" sexual tension

with my mama.

What's next? Is he gonna open up a taco shack right next door?

Bienvenido to the grand opening of Duvall's Taco Jockey!

God damn it!

We never wanted to get into the taco business,

but you said you didn't want it, so you know we had to do it.

Well, I wouldn't want to open a competing taco jockey

right next door to an existing taco jockey.

But you painted my ass into a corner, didn't you?

Bienvenidos to the grand opening

of Cuyler's Duvall's Taco Jockey!

Phew. That franchise fee was stiff.

-But it was worth it.

We got no right-of-way, no foot traffic, no customers,

no oven to cook a taco, and no food to make a taco.

Shh! He don't know that!

Taco Jockey ain't got no customers either, Daddy.

Then the price war worked! Whoo!

No, Daddy. They don't even care about it.

There you go, son.

It's obvious they opened that restaurant

just to fuck with you.

Maybe it's time for me to fuck back.

No! You've tried fuckin' back!

You have been fuckin' back!

Maybe for once it's time you don't fuck back.

♪♪

Granny: Welcome to Taco Jockey. What can I getcha?

Bitch! Is that you workin' in there?!

What can I get ya, honey?

I ain't here for food. I'm here to make the peace.

But also probably some food.

Sir, I'm sorry, but we have a strict

"no shoes, no shirt, no service" policy.

But this is a drive-thru!

Dewey Jr.: The dress code is pretty clearly stated, sir.

I mean, we don't want no shirtless riff-raff

in here eating tacos.

All right, fine. I'll put on some damn clothes.

It's all right. You can touch Duvall property. Go on.

I'm sorry, sir. This just come down from corporate.

We reserve the right to change our policy.

But I'm lookin' to make a peace! A-And I'm hungry, too!

Well, the only thing we're serving to you today

is a heapin' plate of crow

drizzled in fuck-you sauce

with your choice of sweet or unsweet

lick the wick of the tip of my flesh flute!

Usually I'd berserk on your ass

for speaking to me in that fashion.

But I'm here in peace. How did it come to this?

Two titans of the local Mexican dining industry

at each other's throats.

Tell me, Dewey. What can I do to heal the rift?

It's simple, really. All you gotta do

is climb up that water tower and say this simple phrase.

What the !

You also have to wear a bikini

and tape a squirrel to your donger. Oh hell no!

I'd sooner make love to a hive of bees

than bow to your damn demands!

Dewey Double J!

There's another hole in back if you wanna get kinky.

My name is Early Cuyler.

My family is shit.

My legacy is nothing.

It's a miracle I can even say these words,

I'm so goddamn dumb.

How do I even have children?

What fool from the opposite sex

would lie down in carnal congress with me?

I am a complete failure, a colossal fuck-nut.

If I ever dare to show my face in town,

you are invited to spit and/or shit upon it.

Thank you all for your time.

All these years.

I've longed to hear you say them words.

We didn't think you had it in you.

I did, and I do, and I'll do it again

till the end of time because I'm a man of pride!

Cuyler, you know, I think it's time we bury the hatchet.

Let's us just sit down and normalize relations

between our two noble houses.

♪♪

There ya go. Open it.

Aww. Is this the deed to me gettin' my land back?

Oh, no, no, no.

That there's a save-the-date fridge magnet.

Ruby Jean and I have decided to have us a creepy marriage.

I've finally found someone

to share the last few months of my life with!

And I, my love, have finally found the person

who owns that last little chunk of land that I want.

And I'm also gonna need you to move out of that

flamin' shack you call a house.

Early: What the? Aw, come on! No!

Ruby Jean just give me that in the dowry.

Yeah, I think a marijuana grove

would look nice right around here.

Oh, yes! I agree!

We can put that garden gnome we were talkin' about

right in the middle!

That sounds lovely, dear.

Sheriff: You must be right proud.

Didn't she used to have sex with his daddy

behind your daddy's back?

And now she's marryin' his son.

What a crazy world.

We are here to join Dewberry Devereaux Duvall Jr, Sr, Sr...

Jr, Sr, Sr was my daddy's name.

Please call me Jr, Sr, Sr, Jr, Sr, Jr.

Sorry. Uh...

...and Ruby Jean Cuyler in unconventional matrimony.

If anyone objects to this...creepy union,

speak now...or later.

Speak whenever.

I feel weird doin' this. Early?

I noticed you didn't bring your shotgun or your compound bow.

I can't believe I'm sayin' this, Early, but...

you need to run out to the truck or anything?

This is your mama and your most-hated rival.

Any objections, Early?

You usually like to speak in these situations.

You're damn right! I do wish to speak!

Daddy, don't. It's over. He won.

Fine! Fine! We lose! Fuck it!

God damn it!

Made in Georgia, okay?! Made in Georgia!