Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God calls and takes me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

Early: Do not touch the trim!

Rusty: Hey, Daddy, we doing anything special

for Thanksgiving this year?

Oh, hell yeah.

I'm gonna drink this here, pass out, then drink this over here.

And I'll be watching him drink this here and pass out...

Wake up, watch football. ...then drink this, then watch football...

Then drink more, watch football, pass out,

and drink some more, then pass out. ...drink this and pass out.

We celebrate together as a family.

So we're not celebrating Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving?!

There ain't nothing to be thankful for!

More like No-Thanksgiving.

Thanks-Taking! Thanks for nothing!

♪♪

Used to be this whole country was squid land --

as far as the eye could see.

Then them Indians showed up and set their goddamn tepees up.

We said, "Get off our land!"

And then they said some weird Indian word that means "no."

So began what the historicals called the Cephalo-Indian War.

Also known as the 27-Minute War.

Damn. We kicked their ass that fast?

Yeah, not so much.

You ever see one of these?

Of course, Daddy. That's a squid arrowhead.

Everybody knows that. That's right.

But we hadn't invented the arrow part yet.

We was chucking these at them as hard as we could.

And they come back a-shootin' real arrows at us.

We kept hollering "time-out!"

But, apparently, they don't teach English at the casinos.

Them Indians out-scienced us.

It was our land that the Indians took from us

that the white man took from the Indians.

We couldn't do anything about it because, darn it,

they control the weather! That's right.

They told us to leave, or they'd hit us with lightnin'.

But let it be known, we left because we wanted to.

But between you and me, it's because of the lightnin'.

They won't teach you that in government public schools.

That's one of the many, many reasons I stopped going.

I didn't descend from no monkey.

You see any eight-legged monkeys a-walkin' about?

I think Rusty left.

Rusty, did you leave?

I think he left.

Rusty: Hold up, now.

Thursday's Thanksgiving.

Why's it say I gotta work all day?

[ Scoffs ] All day.

We close at 10:00 p.m.

That gives you two hours

'fore you got to be back here for Black Friday.

Whoa! I gotta work on Black Friday, too?

When am I supposed to spend time with my boy?

Why the hell you want to spend time with your offspring?

You one of them helicopter parents --

always hovering, feeding, and raising

and talking to their kids?

I'm well-aware of your parenting philosophy, Mama.

Mama?

Oh.

I keep forgettin' you one of my whoopsies.

Whoopsies!

[ Chuckles ]

If anyone asks, I'll be in the outdoor section...

catching some Z's.

Rusty, we are not having Thanksgiving dinner

at 10:30 at night.

I'll be in bed, and I ain't keeping Randy up that late.

But y'all are the closest thing to family I got.

What about your daddy? You know he'll be up.

He's up all night, every night.

My daddy ain't no druggy.

You're insulting a veteran...

narian.

He's a veterinarian, that's what he is.

Just because you steal a prescription pad,

that does not make you a veterinarian.

Uh, maybe he said vegetarian. I don't know.

Look, Rusty, I'm sorry,

but Thanksgiving just ain't happenin' this year.

♪♪

[ Dog whimpering ]

Hey, there, buddy. What you doing in there?

Come here. Come over here.

You all by yourself out here?

Ain't got no family that loves you?

Yeah, I know how that is.

Well, I guess you do have somebody who cares about you.

But not as much as I do.

Hey, y'all! Meet my new dog, Billie.

I mean -- I mean Biscuit.

Let me have a look at him.

As y'all know, I am a licensed ventriloquist.

Now, Daddy, he's a perfectly healthy dog.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Let me go ahead and write me a script

for some of them horse tranquilizers.

I think I'll really notice a difference once I'm on these.

Listen, y'all, I want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year

like a real family, and I want Biscuit to be a part of that.

Well, if you supply the food

and cook the food and serve the food,

I guess I could agree to eat the food with you.

What about conversations?

We ain't gotta do that, do we?

My views on third-trimester abortion are very divisive.

I'm for them.

I prefer to play on my smartphone the whole time.

That's what the holidays mean to me.

Look, I gotta go back to work.

Here's Biscuit's bed and his food and stuff.

He needs to take his heartworm medicine.

Don't chop that up. Why are you choppin' it up?

Just making some rails so he can snort it

and get right into the bloodstream.

Don't you question me!

I'm a licensed ventriloquist.

Can't you see this pad?

Well, you're supposed to put it in some bread.

Oh, bread.

If I knew we were gonna have bread, I would have dressed up.

Y'all, I'm gonna be late for my shift.

Don't worry, son. We'll take good care of him.

We'll see you tonight.

[ Snorts ]

This is gonna be the best Thanksgiving ever!

I promise you that!

[ Muzak plays ]

[ Grunts ]

That the biggest bird you can fit up your butt?

Oh, hey. Hey, Mama.

I was just stocking up the turkeys.

Let's see what else you been stockin'.

[ Grunting ]

Please don't turn me in, Mama.

We're having Thanksgiving dinner tonight,

and this damn food's expensive.

When I steal from this place, I hide it in my rolls.

That's probably why they call these rolls.

So you can put rolls in them.

You want some rolls?

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Okay, now, back up!

Now, let these people go home for their Thanksgiving.

We'll open up in two hours for Black Friday.

[ Shouting continues ]

All right, now, y'all stay tight.

Remember how we lost Gail last year.

[ Alarm blares ]

Let's go! Strip search! Right now!

Oh, Krystal. [ Chuckles ]

That ain't necessary. I-I trust you.

Oh, 'cause you ain't got what it takes

to tangle in the "under dome."

The under dome is what I call the...

Curved area of your front there above your genitals.

I know, I know. Have a good night now, honey.

[ Grunts ] Gets hot in there,

so sweet potato casserole is probably done.

I really appreciate this, Mama.

Hey, what's Thanksgiving for?

That's the spirit.

No, seriously, what is it for?

I seen a picture of a man with a belt buckle on his hat.

Is that what it's about, belt hats?

[ Door closes ] All right, y'all.

I gotta be back in an hour, so get that microwave going.

We gotta get this turkey cookin'!

I'll handle the turkey!

There you go! What the hell, Daddy?!

That turkey's supposed to feed everybody!

And it will, son, 'cause we gonna have us some turk-dog-et.

Turkey inside a dog inside a bucket.

What? Y'all think you gonna eat my dog for Thanksgiving?

Aw, hell. Here we go.

You can have sex with a dog and nobody bats a damn eye.

But you try to eat a dog, and everybody's up in arms.

You had sex with a dog? Not this dog!

I don't want to get emotionally connected to this dog.

This here is a valuable source of protein,

not just some casual roll in the hay.

You know what? We're done here.

Come on, Biscuit. I ain't letting them anywhere near you.

Thanksgiving is off!

[ Engine starts ] Son, come back!

Let's not fight! It's the holidays!

Lord, we thank you for this bounty

of frozen food here before us.

With the only living creature

who seems to give a damn about me.

Biscuit, what are you -- No!

No pumpkin pie till we finish the prayer!

[ Tap on glass ]

What's up, Sheriff? Oh, not much, Rusty.

But I am getting some complaints

from these Black Friday shoppers

that you're keeping a dog in the vehicle here

with the windows rolled up.

Well, hell, Sheriff, I'm in here, too.

Don't that count for somethin'?

Rusty, these folks are camped out in a BallMart parking lot

on a national holiday to save 20 bucks

on a hoverboard doorbuster.

Hell, they're cheaper than that online.

That's where I got mine.

Well, Sheriff, my shift's about to start,

and Biscuit ain't got nowhere else to go.

You think maybe you could watch him for a couple hours?

Oh, sorry. I-I'm running security on this deal.

Did you have one of them tracking chips put under his skin?

I could track him down after I get off my shift here.

[ Sighs ] That's all right, Sheriff.

Ain't no point in having a damn rescue dog if you --

if you ain't even equipped to rescue him.

♪♪

Climb out, Biscuit. I'm setting you free.

[ Whimpers ]

You're better off without me in your life.

[ Whimpering ] Go on, git!

Git, I said!

Get out of here!

[ Whines ]

And take my hoverboard with you!

[ Sniffles ]

Girl: Daddy! Boy: Look, Daddy, it's Billie!

We found him!

Hey, it's Billie!

Welcome back.

Oh, man, this is someone else's dog.

Hell, yeah!

Oh, I've been worried sick about you, little...

dog.

Come on inside. Let's make you some food.

No reward was advertised.

[ Sobbing ] It's okay, kids.

Don't cry. Billie will turn up soon.

He's a -- He's a good dog.

He was a good dog.

Yep. Still is!

Fallin' off the bone! Good dog!

Damn good dog.

Bless him.

I don't think we ought to tell Rusty we ate his dog.

I mean, I ain't no damn monster.

[ Yawns ] I'm getting ready to pack it in.

Yeah, me too.

What's that chemical in dog, you know,

the one that makes you sleepy?

Intelligence? Loyalty?

That don't matter. Just put them meat scraps in the icebox.

We gonna have us some dog sandwiches

for the next two weeks, brotha! Mmm!

[ Toy squeaks ]

Oh, Rusty, you're home.

Early, wake up, Rusty's here.

Huh? Yeah, shift's over.

And not that y'all care, but I gave Biscuit away.

I didn't want to raise him in an unloving environment

with people that want to eat him for dinner.

Well, he's not in danger from us no more.

[ Burps ] I can vouch for that, son.

Oh, so y'all had Thanksgiving without me, huh?

It's -- It's good, though. What is it?

It's muttloaf. Meatloaf!

Meatloaf! Just some plain old meatloaf.

What now? [ Knock on door ]

[ Beeping ] Great news, Rusty.

Got my tracker here, and I think I'm zeroing in on Biscuit.

Boy, it's really going off now, ain't it?

I tell you, I think he might be right here in the house.

[ Rapid beeping ] No, Sheriff, that's impossible.

Unless...

[ Steady beep ]

[ Toy squeaks ]

I think that thing's broke. Goddamn it!

It ain't supposed to be going off. No, no.

That ain't even how the microchip technology works.

Man, I ought to know.

Hell, I'm a licensed venereal confectionarist.

See, read this here pad.

Benjamin Swartsmon, licensed vegetarian.

That's it, that's me.

♪ Made in Georgia ♪