Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Reggae playing ]

My dreams are all alive and never dying

Even if the sun should explode

And in the kingdom of the most high here on Earth

I invite you sons and daughters with me

My turn. Hell, no.

Man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Do not touch the trim!

♪♪

I'll have a side of hash browns drawn and quartered,

pummeled and flummoxed, please.

Early: What the hell?

I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?

You wet behind the ears, waffle noob?

We eat hash browns one way down South --

chapped and chiseled, red-assed and soft-grizzled,

muddy with a bloody buddy.

Yeah, but I don't really want a gummy bear in my hash browns.

A bloody buddy's a pearl onion

with a ketchup packet for a hat. It's a garnish.

No, I'm pretty sure it means a gummy bear.

Onion with a ketchup packet hat.

That's a gummy bear, sir.

That tears it!

You want a piece of me,

besmirchin' my browns like you done?!

Hold on now. I don't want any trouble, brother.

Well, you shouldn'ta opened the damn trouble box then.

Let's go. Right now!

Outside -- to Trouble Town.

[ Bell jingles ]

We could just lock him out.

No, let me build a bridge here.

Let's get it on right now. Whoa, whoa, sir.

I'm late, and it's too damn drunk for this.

Come on back here to the parking lot.

We'll -- We'll talk about it over here.

No! Cross this line right now!

This yeller-dotted ass-whooping line

that somebody done conveniently painted for me

to whoop some ass on. Sir.

Sir, sir, get out of the road!

[ Horn blares ] Come on, damn it.

Look out!

You okay, sir?

Oh, so you pushing me now?

How you like it when I push you?

You think I look bad?

You oughta see that other feller.

I whooped his ass, made him pay for my waffles,

drive me to a doc-in-the-box, and drive me home.

Then I said, "Get out of your car,"

and whooped his ass again. Wa-hoo!

All: Shh!

'Scuse us. I'm just saying that ass was whooped.

Put on your tie. This is the Lord's house.

Tell you one thing -- that sumbitch ain't never gonna

have the balls to show his ass 'round here no --

Aw, shit. Is that him? That's him!

Quick -- hide me.

Good morning, brothers and sisters. Welcome.

My name is Kyle Nubbins,

and I'll be stepping in as your new pastor.

Hey! Where's that big, blue teardrop with the face?

I'm sorry to say he's moved on to a better place --

First Presbyterian in Blue Ridge.

They actually have a roof on their building.

And don't get me wrong,

I'm thankful for God's shining light,

just not inside our sanctuary.

Amen, Jesus! Wa-hoo!

Okay.

No! That blue guy was funny.

Well, I can be fun, too.

I've been known to play a little git-stick up here.

[ Playing guitar ]

Rock 'n' roll is the devil's music.

[ Congregation murmuring ] Ohh! He's the devil!

Look, just come on down to the VFW tonight.

I'm hosting a potluck dinner.

Everybody bring a dish,

and we can all get to know each other better.

♪ Now, everyone, please bow your head ♪

♪ As I sing a prayer, now watch me shred ♪

[ Plays fast riff ]

♪ Jesus loves you, saints and sinners ♪

♪ I'll see you tonight at the potluck dinner ♪

Too much energy.

He genuinely frightened me with that guitar.

I don't like him. I'll just go on and say it.

Yeah, you said it all the way home, Daddy.

And what are we gonna bring to a potluck?

We barely got us a pot to piss in.

Good idea.

Grab the piss pot.

Three pinecones. Plop, plop, plop.

That's what I think of him.

And it's also all we can afford.

Hey there. Early, right? From the Waffle Barn?

How you feeling today?

Well, you know, I'm still pretty tarred...

from whoopin' your ass!

That's how I remember it,

and that's also how I have repeated it.

Y'all hear that? I whooped his ass!

Whoo! Okay, well, uh,

help yourself to the hot dogs and sweet potatoes.

Small potaters is all you got. [ Chuckles ]

You lucky we brought

an entire rotisserie chicken to celebrate.

No, no, no, no, don't remove that.

Damn it, I thought this here was covered dish.

I didn't think nobody'd pull the damn cover off

and show the pinecones.

Embarrass us to hell the way they done.

It's the thought that counts!

Let's just put this lid back on the pot.

Nobody has to know.

You lordin' it over me, ain't you?

You better than me, right?

Is that what this is? No, sir, of course not.

How 'bout I don't want no chicken?

How 'bout I knock every dish of food on the floor right now?

I really wish you wouldn't.

If wishes was doughnuts, we'd all be bakers, wouldn't we?

But we ain't. We're unemployed.

All right, Daddy, that's enough, now. Settle down.

You still pissed off about

that Waffle Barn thing, ain't you?

No, sir, I'm not. Hell, that's just waffles

under the bridge for me.

But you -- You gonna hold that grudge forever.

Look, I need to meet some other people here.

You do whatever you need with the food.

Don't you tell me what to do, jackass.

Lord, please forgive him. He knows not what he says.

The Lord knows what a jackass is

His mama done rode into Bethlehem on one.

A jackass -- You!

Early, come on, settle down, man.

No, Granny, grab the squash casserole,

the bucket of chicken, and the sweet potatoes

with the damn marshmellers.

He just said I can do whatever I want,

and I want me a quiet damn dinner at home away from him.

Let's go.

I said the storming-out words.

If I stay, I look a fool!

All right, nice to meet you.

All right, well, nice to meet you.

Okay, well, I-I hope to see you

at the church fundraiser.

I'd sooner engage in oral saxuals with a porcupine

before I'd be anywhere near your fundraiser.

Daddy, you've done that twice.

Don't you be advertising that!

It's still a rare occurrence!

♪♪

Hey, Early. I thought you weren't coming.

I'd sooner perform cunnilingus on a beehive

than to pass up a opportunity to dump your ass in water.

Well, it's only $2 a -- Hey!

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, they laughing at you now, hoss!

[ Laughs ] Look at this wet fool.

[ Chuckles ] I guess I am a wet fool.

You ain't no wet fool! Early!

Get the hell back on up there right now!

Whoa, easy now. Look, Early.

I know that inside you're a good person.

Maybe you didn't have somebody at home

looking out for you.

It's true. I was more interested

in my revolving door of abusive boyfriends.

You would be, too.

There is a rush to that lifestyle.

Maybe you turned to drugs and to -- and to drink

to self-medicate.

No, you're wrong.

You don't know me.

I can smell it on your breath, brother.

Oh, Lord, you're right!

[ Sniffles ] I forgot my mints.

[ Crying ] They mask everything but the pain!

[ Crying ] Well, it's not too late.

Get up in this tank with me.

Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ

as your personal savior?

I do! I do!

I love you, Lord!

Then I baptize you in the name of the Father

and the Son and the Holy Ghost.

[ "Hallelujah Chorus" playing ] Thank you! Thank you!

I can see! I'm healed!

No, no, no, you're saved.

Oh, all right.

He's walking in new shoes now

in the footsteps of Christ.

Third baptism this year.

No, Granny, he's a changed man. I can feel it.

Early just hit me and took all the money.

Wa-hoo!

Praise the Lord, I'm rich!

[ Sighs ] Damn it.

[ Static ] Denny, set up the roadblock.

No, Sheriff, that's all right. I'll handle this.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

They say into every life some rain must fall.

Well, the rain's gonna fall on us a little longer

because the money we raised to fix the roof

was stolen yesterday.

Who took it? Do you know who took it?

Ain't no way I took the money.

I mean, why else would I be asking about it?

Lord, we're gonna act as you would want us to.

We're gonna close are eyes in prayer

and give our lost sheep a chance to return the money.

Gimme a break, it's Early, you dumbass.

Early took the money.

We all know who it is. Back off me now.

This badass scorpion cane got a dagger inside of it!

Folks, folks, please, sit down, please.

Yeah, that's right. Sit down.

Bow your heads.

Lord, I truly believe that when we open our eyes,

say Amen, whoever stole the money

will have returned it right here.

I know he's got a good heart, and I know that he knows

that he's walking in the light.

And for this we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

[ Door Shuts ]

Where the hell is my 12-string?!

[ Guitar playing ]

♪ Jesus loves me, this I know ♪

♪ Look that this 12-string that I stole ♪

[ Chuckles ]

Give me back my guitar, Early.

Hey, now, whoa, whoa. I'm saved, Pastor Nubbins.

I know not what I done.

Well, I do know what you done.

Where'd I go? Whooooo!

I transmitized into the colors of my surroundings.

Whooooo!

Does my guitar change colors, too?

Aw, hell.

Ah! I could rip your skeleton out

right now and show it to you.

Thou shalt not do that to my skeleton right now!

[ Grunts ]

Surely, they's a peaceful way to settle this...

and me...

still keep your guitar.

[ Gong rings ]

[ Grunts ]

Why do I have to be in the middle?

'Cause you're too slow to be the legs,

and you're too damn dumb to be the head.

Point taken.

Come on, let's do this.

All right, you gentlemen have agreed --

one round, whoever gets pushed out of the circle

leaves town forever.

Rusty, No! No!

[ Whistle blows ]

And the winner is Pastor Nubbins.

[ Cheers and applause ] You supposed to be

looking out the belly button, not the butt hole!

[ Voice breaking ] Sorry, Early, but...

[sniffles] that means you're gonna

have to leave town, buddy.

Well, tough titty 'cause I ain't goin'.

But that was the deal, Early.

That won't my deal.

It actually was your deal.

You actually came up with the deal.

Well, I got myself a new deal now.

And a new deal says I stay no matter what.

So, you're staying? Hell, yes, I'm staying.

I love this town with all of my heart,

and it would take a 220-ton Sasquatch

to drag me from this town.

[ Crowd shouting ] This ain't no Sasquatch!

This here's just a large dog.

Best we could do on short notice.

I specifically named a fictional creature

to make this impossible.

Hyah! Aaah!

Bye, Early! I'll be back!

I know.

Ow! Please make it stop!

We'll see you in church.

♪♪

♪ Made in Georgia ♪