Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ballad] ♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you ♪

♪ sons of bitches ♪ -My turn.

-Hell no. -♪ when I go ♪

Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on!

Do not touch the trim!

[Soft music plays] Excuse me.

I was looking through your organic section

and I noticed you really don't have one.

Y'all don't sell freerange eggs, do ya?

Well, I got nine pickled eggs in here.

I was supposed to throw 'em out last month,

so they're priced to bounce. [Tires screech]

On your goddamn knees, right now! Let's go!

Gimme me all the pickled eggs in that jar,

or I'm gonna pop your head like a sumbitchin' balloon!

-[Sobbing] -Vicki?

[chuckle] Girl, is that you?

Oh, my God! Please, don't hurt me!

Hell, it's me, Early Cuyler!

Come on, don't you remember, second grade?

I sat behind you that one day, and then, I quit.

Yes. The -- the talking squid.

Bring it in for a hug, now, baby. Come on!

Mm-mmm! Yeah.

Last time I heard about you, you was runnin' off

to that lesbian college, to learn how to be a lesbian.

It's pediatrician, actually.

Yep. Things is comin' up roses for me.

I'm a big goddamn success.

And it's all thanks to Jesus Christ

for showin' me the way.

Can I testify to you? [Siren wails, tires screech]

Drop that gun, Early.

Down on the -- Vicki?

Is that you?

Yeah, that's her.

Hey, Sharif!

Gimme me a hug. Oh, hell!

Mmm, mmm!

What brings you back to town?

Well, my dad's real sick now.

[chuckle] I'm just back in town to sort of, you know,

take care of him, make him feel comfortable.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Vicki.

So are you still, uh, practicin' as a lesbian?

It's pediatrician.

They the same damn thing.

No, actually, they're not. [chuckle]

So what have you been doin' all these years?

Oh, you know, drinkin', watchin' me some

badass heavy metal videos on my phone, mostly.

I was talkin' to Sharif.

Oh, you know,

a little of this, little of that.

Nothin' I'd write home about.

'Cause I never left home, so that'd be

a foolish letter to write, you know.

Waste of a stamp and all that.

Well, I'll be in town a while.

Maybe we can have lunch.

Are you serious?! -[Early grunting]

That'd be great.

[Grunting] [Glass breaks]

I'll be in town, too!

I ain't allowed to leave, once they set a court date.

-I have to go. -You ain't changed a bit,

'cept for your knockers is bigger LOL.

[cackle] Yeah, baby!

♪♪

[Mouse clicking] You actually filin' a report

for that robbery? -Oh, come on now!

That's gonna mess up my permanent record!

Oh, relax, Early.

I'm just binge-likin' all of Vicki's status updates.

I wanna see if she'll accept my

"more than friends" request.

She accepted your friend request?

I done sent her a couple.

She must still be goin' through them.

Damn, Sheriff.

You just liked some fried chicken she ate in 2009.

[chuckle] Stalker much?

Well, she wrote "Yum," so I'm gonna add

Save some for me :)

Type "DTF??"

Uh, what's that mean?

That's computer code for "Down. to. [clang]"

No. No-o-pe, uh-uh-uh!

I'm gonna tell Vicki I'm, uh...

DTG...TKY.

"Down to get to know you" -- B, better.

[ Chime ]

[ Chime ]

Look, she just responded.

Three question marks and a picture of a winkin' cat.

I think I'm in, boys.

♪♪

The economy's boomin' around here.

We now have five tattoo parlors

and two tattoo laser removal facilities.

Hey, isn't that where we went to kindergarten?

Yep, it's a Vaped Crusader now.

But I don't put that crap anywhere near my lungs.

[Inhales deeply, coughs]

I'm a purist. Ahem.

-Wow. -Yep.

All I had to do was fill out a form

and the Feds just gave it to me.

Do you ever have to use it?

Oh, Lord, no. Maybe I'd break it out,

if we had a race riot, or somethin'.

But all the races here get along fine, you know,

as long as they kind of keep to themselves, so.

But that's segregation.

Well, maybe, if we had any minorities in this county,

but all us white folks been integrated here

with each other for decades

and we all get along like gangbusters.

♪♪

You know, I had a really good time, Sharif.

Oh, Lord. Daddy's out.

Get off my property.

Come on, Daddy. -I don't wanna go back inside.

It's pretty stressful, takin' care of an elderly parent.

Oh, I stuck mine in a home. But, hey,

if he can hang on through next week,

I'd really love to take ya out for tacos.

One of the tattoo places here used to be a taco place,

you know, and they still give out tacos.

But we may have to get a tattoo

to get us a free taco there.

I'd like that very much.

Which one, the tattoo or the tacos?

Is this your boyfriend?

He's stupid.

Boyfriend?

[ Laughs ]

Is that what we're doin' here?

I'll talk to you later, Sharif.

Thanks for today.

♪♪

I just got back from Vicki's,

and it went well!

Very well!

I heard the term boyfriend bandied about, too.

I'm gonna call her and let her know that

I got here safe. She'd be worried, otherwise.

[Ring] No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

hoss! You messin' up.

You gotta play it cool here.

No, I -- I don't wanna wait and play it cool.

I'm DTC,

down to cuddle.

Womerns don't wanna cuddle with no damn man

that don't look good. I mean, look atcha!

You don't look good!

Oh, Early, looks ain't everythin'.

Mama says I'm sweet as a little sugar plum.

Well, if you looked good, like me,

you wouldn't need no damn personality.

Get out your credit card, peacock. [chuckle]

We about to upgrade your plumage so you can

bock, bock, bock-a-cock, bock, bock, ba-cock, ba-cock!

Whoo!

Everythin' you wear sends a message,

so I picked out some shirts and hats with messages on 'em.

I really like these shiny-ass glitter jeans

with the sparkle butt.

They really make my flat ass pop, don't they?

Oh, they macho as hell!

We 'bout to strut your stuff like a redassed baboon!

Why am I struttin' my stuff out here

at 2:00 in the mornin'?

This here is how you get to know a girl,

without her gettin' to know

that you gettin' to know her.

Now, get on down there and gimme some pushups.

Get them muscles swolled up good before you see her.

One... [Creaking]

Wait, Early! What are you doin'?!

We takin' this relationship to the next level!

Whoa!

Ah. She was so beautiful.

Back then, I just never had a shot at her.

And look at you now.

Right in the honey hole.

What are you doin' with a video camera?

You got a thumb, don't you?

Show me your thumb!

Like this? -No, dumbass.

You wipe your thumb across your neck

like it's a damn buck knife.

That's your way of sayin' "There's only one way out

of this here relationship,

and I just showed it to you," damn it.

[ Whirr ]

[ Creak ]

Early, this -- this don't feel fun no more.

Panty drawer: jackpot!

Oh, man, that was a rush!

[chuckle] What now?

Do we watch the tape?

I just wouldn't feel right, masturbatin' to it.

Watch the tape? [inhales deeply]

Only a simpleminded dumbass would think that.

Tape is for her to watch. That's why I left it.

You what?!

But I-I'm all over that tape!

The tape tells her "I could've touched on you

and done wrong things to you,

but I didn't, 'cause I'm a standup guy."

[ Ring ]

Oh, hell, Early, it's her.

Yeah, there we go!

We got her to make the first move!

[ Inhales deeply ]

[crying] Somebody pried open my window last night

and left a videotape.

Can I get that tape from ya?

Glitter, all over the crime scene.

This is from those macho sparkle jeans

with the glitter butt on 'em.

Maybe whoever our guy is can, ahem,

glue that back on.

So where's that tape, again, Vicki?

Maybe we should just watch it.

No, no, let's let this guy, whoever he is,

let's just let him off with a warnin'.

[chuckle] I'm sure he won't do this ever again.

How do you know who "he" is?

Oh, I don't know.

He could be anyone.

[dialing] But I just matched the DNA on my smartphone.

Whoever he is, we don't know him.

But we need to get that tape right now.

Is this the tape?

Wait, don't play the tape, Denny.

I wish I could see your beautiful eyes right now.

Oh, hell. But please don't open them.

That could be bad for me.

-Sharif?! -I-I was merely

testin' you for sleep apnea, Vicki.

All Dougal County residents get a free sleep apnea screenin'.

We don't tell you about it in advance.

And that's me, uh, you know, sniffing your panties,

ahem, for drugs and -- oh, here.

Got 'em back from the lab just this mornin'.

Uh, you're clean.

You know, I thought you were a little weird,

but I also thought that you were sweet and decent!

But, Vicki, I was just tryin' to get to know you

without you knowin' I was tryin' to get to know you.

-Get. out. -Baby, please!

Get out! [Slam]

[ Melancholy tune plays ]

She didn't press charges, so, you're free to go.

Hell, the door ain't even locked.

[ Sighs ]

I'll always be in jail, Denny.

A jail called heartbreak. -Check it out.

You tagged a photo of me in jail?!

Did Vicki like it?

Ah, I bet she's pretty tied up right now

with her daddy's funeral.

Oh, no. Her daddy passed?

That's terrible.

That's perfect. You just swoop on in there

and you got yourself a storybook endin'.

That's right, Early. We -- we need to go

and provide a police escort, or somethin'.

I don't think she wants you at the funeral.

But you know what I always say:

"Womens don't know what they want

until you give it to them.

Then, they complain that they didn't want

what you thought they wanted."

Now, let's do this! Whoo!

[ Birds chirping ]

Thank you all for comin' out today to honor Daddy.

As y'all know, he was a private man

and he just wanted a quiet service on the hillside and --

Attention! Please accept this dignified

striptease of sorrow in honor of Vicki's daddy.

[ Whip cracks ]

[ Techno playing ]

Sharif! What are you doing?!

Only the best, Vicki.

What are you doin', Denny?

I said fire at the end of the song.

This is fun!

Aah! -Stop the tank!

They didn't train us how to stop it.

Everyone back away from the tank.

They did not train us how to use this.

[ Laughing ]

Daddy!

His grave!

Oh, my God!

[Error tone chimes] Woman: We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected

or is no long--

Well, I guess it's over.

She changed her phone number, her email,

and her address.

Oh, she's just playin' hard to find.

That dance didn't work at all, did it?

Like I always said, "Womens don't like it

when you run over their dead daddies with a damn tank

while you're half-naked at a funeral."

When'd you ever say that?

I say it all the time.

That's your problem: you listen,

but you just. don't. hear.

[ Banjo plays, limb stomps ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Made in Georgia ♪