Original subtitles

Rusty: My turn. Early: Hell no. Rusty: Man, let me drive that

thing! Early: Do not touch the trim!

Hey! Cheech and/or Chong! It's Rodrigo, bro. Early: Whatever it is, you

keep your damn hide flesh away from my sausage extruder! They find any more hairy hot

dogs, that's your ass, esé! Not mine! Well, you're the one

extruding all your sausages all over my hides. Early: No, no.

I ain't about to have no Mexican standoff with you. Y'all invented them things.

You probably know some damn tricky way to win. Immigration!

Everyone on the ground! Early, hide me! Early: Here.

Get in the chitlin' slurry. Thanks, bro. Early: Hey, y'all!

I got one over here! He's a-hidin' in the chitlin' slurry!

Dan Halen: I create dozens of jobs for this region, and now you're gonna nitpick whether

they're legal or not? Early: That's right! Export their asses back to

Mexico! These are the last American jobs you're gonna steal and work

harder than me at! 'Cause these jobs is going away in the fall.

That's right. I'ma be out of work, too. Get out of my damn country!

Sheriff: Early. [ Chuckles ] Uh, you've got, uh, documentation and everything,

right? I mean, I know you're American and all...

Early: Of course I'm American. You seen me yelling "usa! Usa!"

At the television set. Would a Mexican yell that? How damn ridiculous.

That'd be the act of a damn moron. Sheriff: Well, that hard-ass

dude over there with immigration, he said your social security number was listed as...

1. Early: That's right. America is number one.

Sheriff: Are you sure you didn't forget some numbers in there?

I mean, it's supposed to have, like, a bunch of digits, Early. Early: But America is number

one. Sheriff: I know, Early, but for example, my number is

824-3-6759. Early: Wait. What's that again?

Sheriff: 824. Early: Yeah. Sheriff: 3.

Early: Got it. Sheriff: 6759. Early: 6759.

Sheriff: Yeah, 6759. Early: What's your mama's maiden name?

Sheriff: Swilley. Early: What was the make and model of your first car?

Sheriff: A hazuzaki gopher. Early: What grade school did you go to?

Sheriff: Eli Whitney elementary. Early: First pet's name?

Sheriff: Doodoobutt. Early: How about your checking-account number and your

savings-account number and your routing number? Sheriff: H-hold on a minute

now. [ Chuckling ] I see what you're doing here, Early.

[ Laughs ] You're trying to get to know me better, and that means a lot to

me, but these folks up here are gonna need some proof of citizenship.

Otherwise they're gonna put you on the bus. Early: Granny, you tell this

sumbitch that I was born in the greatest country on the greatest planet in the greatest galaxy in

all of God's creation -- America! Granny: Hmm.

Let me think now. 'Cause I was partying hard back in them days.

As a young woman, I spent my time the way most young ladies did -- [Bleep] And sucking

sailors two at a time down at the naval base. Okay, who's first?

[ Men cheering ] Oh, that was a great time, Ricky, Terry.

Hey, where will I be able to reach you fellas when the baby co--

abortion wasn't an option back then. This is around the time of

roe v. Wade. I'd swim out to this shark named wade, and he'd eat all me roe.

I'm comin' in hot, wade! [ Grunts ] now, I suppose we could have

used rubbers, but that ain't for me. You don't take a shower in a

raincoat. You're there to get wet. You know what I'm saying?

Sheriff: I don't. Granny: Well, I just found the morning-after shark more

convenient. Hey, wade! Got another drop for you!

Whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. This is yours.

[ Coughs ] Granny: What in the hell am I supposed to do with this?

Well, I would say eat it, but apparently he's got a knife now. Baby Early: Whoo!

How do you get a buck knife inside an egg? Early: [ Sobbing ] You gave

me up to be eaten by a damn shark?! Granny: Oh, calm down.

Can you blame me? Back in those days, you were just so boring.

Early: I'm gonna abort you right now! Sheriff: Early! No!

Listen, do you know what this means? Early: No, I don't!

I wasn't listenin'! Sheriff: You were born in international waters.

That means you ain't an American at all. Early: I am American, damn

it! Why else would I wear this flag pin on my chest?

Unh! [ Wincing ] See how I sacrifice for this country?

Sheriff: Early, I-I just need anything. Any sort of proof you got is

what I need. Early: Here's your damn proof right here!

Sheriff: Your butthole? Early: No, dumbass. Up here.

Sheriff: What is it? Early: It's the statue of liberty making sex with

Uncle Sam and giving birth to a bald eagle throwing Ronald Reagan at

osama bin laden. Sheriff: Oh. Oh, I got it. I see it now.

Early: Damn it, I'm American! That's why I done it. Hell yeah.

Sheriff: Look, Early, the law's pretty clear on this. Early: Well, then I declare a

diplo-latic impunity! I'm requesting a silo! Sheriff: Early...

[ Sniffles ] You're a good friend, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to

deport you. Early: From America?! Sheriff: I'm gonna miss you!

Early: Over my dead body! Sheriff: Early! Rusty: Daddy!

Early: Don't look at me! I'm hideous and foreign! [ Panting ]

[ Insects chirping ] [ Thunder rumbles ] [ Sniffles ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Birds chirping ] Hey. Early: Huh?

Wake up. Early: Huh? It's me, remember?

Cheech and Chong? You told me to get in the chitlin' slurry and I did.

Early: Rodrigo? Yeah, you remember. Early: Hell, I thought your

ass got deported. Oh, I did, but I just came right back over.

This is where the big money's at. Manual labor.

"America's number one," right? You always say that. Early: We are, hoss.

In percentage of population incarcerated, hell yeah. We are number one.

"They," I mean. [ Voice breaking ] They are number one.

They are number one! [ Sobs ] Hey, man, it's gonna be okay.

Early: America sucks if you ain't American! Yo, yo, what are you talking

about, bro? America's the land of opportunity.

But you got to be willing to work for it, dawg. Early: [ Sniffles ]

All right. I'm ready to do whatever it takes, rodrigo.

Then get on the truck and let's get to work. Early: Hell yeah.

Let's get to work! Early, hand me some shingles, dawg.

Early: I'm gonna supervise this boombox, make sure the disk keeps spinning.

[ Upbeat music plays ] Music makes you want to work, don't it?

Early, toss me that sponge, fool. Early: Hey, that there sponge

is over there. Uh, I'm gonna change this here disk.

Early, we could use a hand over here, man. Early: Hey, my hands is full

over here. Y'all want me to change the disk?

Early, pick up some apples, man. Early: No, I got one, thank

you. [ Chewing ] Y'all want me to change this

here disk? [ Music stops ] Hot damn!

A day's pay for a day's work! I told you America is number one, but nobody believed me!

Y'all spin me around now! Come on! Let's celebrate!

Whoo! Yo, that was our light fixture, man.

[ Glass crunches ] Early: Well, this candy tastes like shit.

[ Knock on door ] Rusty: Hey, daddy, it's Rusty.

Sheriff: Early, you in there? Early: Hey, easy, y'all. It's just some gringo americano

come to get us to do some other job that he don't want to do hisself!

Rusty: We found out there's a test you can take to become a U.S. citizen!

Early: Is that right? America is ready to have me back in this great country of theirs.

Rusty: Well, technically, you never left. I mean, we're still in Georgia.

Early: Well, maybe I ain't ready to go back because I'm Mexican now.

See? Rusty: What's your butthole got to do with this?

Early: Up here, dumbass. It's montezuma throwing a enchilada at a drug cartel.

And everything's covered in that green mole sauce. Sheriff: Early, don't be a

dick. We had to jump through some hoops to get this set up.

Early: Well, too damn bad! 'Cause I ain't taking that test unless every man, woman, and

child in this cramped ass little apartment can take the same test.

Sheriff: Well, that's just not possible, Early. Early: Well, that's the deal.

Take it or leave it. Sheriff: All right. I guess we'll leave it, then.

Early: Well, hold on now. Don't go yet. I might feel different now.

Early, just take the test, man. It's all good.

We'll be fine. See? Javier already got the cd

working. This is only a radio. Early: But, rodrigo, I could

never take this test without you, amigo. Because I need you to take this

test for me, damn it. You know a hell of a lot more about America than I do.

All right. I'll help you out, brother. But it's gonna be $8 an hour and

lunch. Early: Damn it! Fine. Sheriff: Okay, I'm almost

done with my nap. Are you finished taking that test all by yourself there,

Early? Early: Almost. Finish it up. Come on.

I want -- I want to change number seven. It's not right.

Early: No, that's my final answer on number seven. You turn that in.

No, I really think we should change it. Early: Boom! I'm done.

Sheriff: Okay. Let's see what you got here. Dale Jr., Hank Jr.

Early: Uh-huh. Yeah. Sheriff: What's that? God Jr.?

You mean Jesus? Early: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Write that down.

I just forgot his name. Sheriff: Well, none of them were the original 13 colonies.

I told you, dawg. Early: Well, hell, I guess I got sidetracked thinking about

all them juniors I know. Sheriff: It happens to the best of us.

Sure you don't want to change this? I would change it.

Definitely, yes. Early: No. This is America, and I am

exercising my freedom of speech. Sheriff: Okay. [ Clears throat ]

Let's submit it. [ Computer beeps ] Well, we already got the results

back. Let's see. Uh... "You are really American, big

time," according to this "how American are you" online quiz.

Y'all send this one to your friends. This is a fun one.

Rusty: Wait a minute. That wasn't the official test? Sheriff: Well, guess not.

Come look at this. Watch what happens when a pig and a gerbil become pals.

[ Laughing ] You won't believe what happens next. [ Pig oinks ]

[ Laughs ] Rusty: This is just a bunch of damn click bait, sheriff.

Sheriff: Yeah, I know. It's fun. Watch this cat and mouse play a

real-life game of cat and mouse. [ Cat meowing ] [ Laughs ]

Rusty: Come on, daddy. I know how we can make you a citizen.

But you ain't gonna like it. DEarly beloved, we are gathered here today to...

Are y'all just doing this for citizenship? Early: No.

I love this wet bag of crap, and I'll prove it if that's what it takes.

Get over here. [ Vomits ] Sheriff: Congratulations,

Early. You married your mama, and she's an American, so now you're an

American. Early: [ Vomits ] Why'd he have to marry his

mom? If his mom's American, he was already American.

Early: [ Vomits ] Sheriff: Is that how it works?

Early: What's that? Sheriff: Nothing. [ Country music plays ]

Made in Georgia.