Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Country music plays ] Rusty: My turn.

Early: Hell no. Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing!

Early: Do not touch the trim!

I'm embarrassed, sheriff -- ashamed. How could I toss this bottle out

of my truck when there's still good party liquor inside? [ Gulping ]

Ahhh. Like I ain't never drunk and drive and throwed out garbage

before. Sheriff: Well, this ain't all your mess, Early.

I mean, if everyone would just take a little pride in mother earth, you wouldn't have

to be out here -- that and if you hadn't have waved your junk at that school bus.

Early: Like them young'erns ain't never seen a grown man's penis.

What's this? I thought I smashed that with a cinder block.

Sheriff: Well, this is a new one -- dougal county's first solar-powered speed-limit sign!

Early: Using magic to power things now?! This is not Christian!

Hell no! Sheriff: Well, the gas-powered signs were just

expensive as hell, Early. Plus you had to come out here and put gas in them.

Early: And what happens when we use up all the sunbeams, huh? That sun ain't renewable,

neither. You don't know what powers that big ball of light!

Least I know where my gas comes from -- Boyd's gas station! That's right.

Sheriff: Early, that sign's new. Don't you touch it.

Early: Come on now. This is the way I effect positive change!

Sheriff: Look, you've got the right to make a peaceful protest, but, please, Early, we

just put it in. Please don't. Please. Early: [ Grunts ]

Sheriff: Please, Early. [ Gun cocks ] Please don't.

Early: I'm too angry to be picking up garbage as ordered by the court!

Solar power is sumbitchin' witchery! Get a tan with that, you

sun-hugger! The sun is fine if you want to throw food and see things during

the daytime hours! But run a traffic sign with it?

Hell naw! I tell you what I use -- good old-fashioned Saudi Arabian

oil from our b.F.F.S in the damn desert! Hell yeah!

It ain't never gonna run out! In my lifetime, anyhow. Now let them witness my black

fumes all the way to Washington, D.C.! Let's roll some coal, baby!

[ Engine turns over ] Whoo! [ Engine revs, sputters ]

All right. I'm out of gas. I'll be back in about 20 minutes if y'all hang tight for more of

my coal-rolling protest! Now can somebody give me a ride to the gas station?

Rusty: Daddy, if, um -- if you carpoolin', don't that undercut the message?

Early: I ain't even begun to make my message clear yet! But, yeah, it would, so...

God damn it! I'll walk! Rusty: Sheriff, ain't there some way you can stop this?

Sheriff: Well, I can't arrest him for revving under the influence.

You know, it's in park. Rusty: What about that plan we talked about?

Sheriff: I guess we're never gonna have a better chance, Rusty.

Early: What the...? No! My truck! My boat!

My second completely unnecessary truck! [ Crying ]

Who do I shoot for this?! Sheriff: Calm down, Early. It's okay.

The dealership came out and picked up your truck-boat-truck. These 2002s had that faulty

ignition switch. Rusty: Yeah. We went ahead and rented you a

replacement rig while they fix it. Sheriff: That's right.

This here's the hazuzaki e-corn! Rusty: Did we really need that second car and kayak?

Sheriff: Baby steps, Rusty. Early: Hazuzaki, huh? Sounds like a damn rice-burning

Sushi-runner to me. Rusty: Well, daddy, I mean, that's the thing.

It really don't burn nothing -- sheriff: Shhh! Rusty! [ Clears throat ]

This hazuzaki's built American strong! Early: Where the gas hole at?

In here? Sheriff: No, no, no, no! No. Here. Let me.

[ Chuckles ] Let me fill it for you, Early. You go on and check out that

faux leather interior, and I'll be -- I'll be putting the gas in.

Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug... Rusty: Sheriff, you know you really ain't got to pour it out

since you already making that noise. Sheriff: Can you just make

sure he don't see that electric plug? Rusty: Why's it got a

lightning-bolt picture on the gas meter?! Sheriff: Oh, don't look at

that! Hey, check out the cupholder. Rusty done filled it up with dip

spit, just like the old truck! Rusty: Yeah, and I put them chains around your license plate

and transferred over your mudflaps. Sheriff: Hell, we even

reinforced the bumper so it can haul your truck nuts around. Rusty: I like that they drag.

I'll give you that. Sheriff: And look -- your favorite bumper sticker!

Who is John galt, anyhow? Rusty: I know who he is. I just ask other people if they

know who he is -- see if they smart, too, just like me. Sheriff: Go on.

Crank her up, Early. Just press that big ergonomic button with the leaf on it

there. [ Click! ] Rusty: Whoa, now.

How come she ain't a-revvin' up? Sheriff: Rusty, plug this into aux and play the track

"loud engine noise," but be careful. I've got some hot tracks on

there. Rusty: I got the hammer down here!

Them tires back there ought to be a-spinnin' like hell! [ Engine turns over, revs ]

There she goes! Purring like a hellcat! Welp, we'll see you in the

funny pages, sheriff! We gonna lay some rubber, baby! Sheriff: [ Chuckles ]

Slow down now, Early! Not too fast! [ Chuckles ] Rusty: Whoo!

[ Engine rumbling ] Just listen to that 450 big block!

Ha! I'm gonna jump that ravine up there! Rusty: No, daddy!

Don't jump the ravine! Let's just take the bridge! Early: Hell, let's take the

sky! Whoo! Rusty: Don't do it, daddy!

Early: Hell yeah! Whoo! Rusty: No, daddy, no! Early: Ha ha!

Cannot be stopped, baby! Rusty: Daddy!! Early: Whoo!

[ Creak! Creak! Creak! ] Rusty: Thank God I went with the tungsten nuts.

I buy them light-ass carbon-fiber nuts and we'd be deader than hell right now.

[ Rumbling stops ] come on, everybody! [ Dance music plays ]

Early: Is there something you want to tell me, boy? Electric?!

No, no, no! Rusty: Yeah, see? See, the e-corn just plugs in a

wall, like your hair dryer and your curling iron and your leg shaver.

Early: Shh! Don't tell nobody about my grooming routine! Rusty: Daddy, with that

e-corn, you ain't never got to buy gas ever again. Early: Well, just where in

the hell do you think you're gonna plug it in, huh? Unh-unh.

Not the hot rockin' Santa claus in the bubble globe! Granny: Here we go!

The war on Christmas continues! Early: That's a dedicated outlet right there.

Rusty: Come on, daddy. There's a copperhead's been living in that thing for like

five years. Early: And you're gonna put him out on the street at

christmastime? Aww, don't be a scrooge. They Christmas snakes.

Granny: Where's your holiday spirit?! Rusty: Now, look -- y'all

don't unplug this, the e-corn needs 12 hours for a complete charge.

Early: So, what in the hell am I supposed to do while that thing is plugging in?

You expect me to just run around the damn house making engine noises with my mouth for the

next 12 hours?! Is that it?! Rusty: Well, since you ain't

got nothing to rev, maybe you and I could...Bond a little or something -- you know,

father-son stuff. Early: [ Imitating engine revving ]

Beep, beep, beep! Get out of my way, sumbitch! [ Imitates engine revving ]

Rusty: Daddy, you mind cutting off your invisible truck?

Early: [ Imitates tires screeching ] This is a invisible a.T.V. Now,

dumbass. I got a hell of a trade-in! Rusty: Sit down and come take

a look at this. The couple has but a single goal.

Early: Is this "road house"? Where's Swayze, and why ain't he a-punchin' none of them penguins

out? Rusty: 'Cause this ain't "road house."

Early: Somebody done drunk most of his six-pack of turtles. Ooh, hell!

Swayze's gonna be pissed off. Rusty: Daddy, they're saying that we're destroying our

planet, burning gas like we do. We keep it up, all these critters ain't even gonna exist

no more. Early: Wait. Are you saying that you a

homosexual? Rusty: No, daddy. I-I'm saying ain't nobody

looking toward the future. It's all about right now. Early: Half-listening to you

makes me realize how fragile life is, Rusty. [ Voice breaking ] I miss my

trucks. I'ma go see if they fixed my trucks!

Rusty: Daddy, wait! Don't go down there! Early: My tru-u-u-u-u-cks!

Rusty: He's headed to the dealership, sheriff! I couldn't stop him!

Rusty: [ Breathing heavily ] [ Electricity buzzing ] Son of a...Gun!

That's a pretty little rig right there! Whoo! Damn!

Hey, friend. What would it take to put you in this truck and boat and other

truck today? I would sell you just one of them, but the previous owner

welded the tow hitches together, so... Early: [ Chuckles ]

Smart man. You only got to buy one tag. Now tell me about the interior.

Well, it has a faulty ignition switch, and the cassette deck comes with this

free coat hanger to pry out David Allen coe's greatest hits. Early: Yeah.

Mine had that, too. That must come standard with the model.

Does the back truck got a bead seat caked with brunswick-stew barf?

Well, we pressure-washed it, but -- but we could...Reinstall that for you.

Early: No, no. That's okay. I never liked that trim package. You wasting breath here, chief.

I got me a rig just like this getting fixed in your dealership.

Well, we don't -- we don't have a rig like this in service. I mean, this is the only one we

have. Early: Wait. What the...?

What the...? What the...? I knew it!

This truck-boat-truck is mine! [ Gun cocks ] Sheriff: Stop!

Early: You'd best have yourself a damn good explanation!

And somebody better tell me who the hell John glat is, too! Nobody knows, and, damn it, I'm

tired of trying to pretend! Sheriff: Don't do nothing crazy, now!

Hold on! We're almost there! Hang on. I'm getting there. Rusty: Aw, hell with this.

I'm getting out. Listen, daddy, that truck-boat-truck was really bad

for the environment, okay? Early: So? Sheriff: And if you weren't

filling this behemoth up three times a day, y'all might be just above the poverty line.

Early: So? Rusty: And with the tax breaks the way they are, hell,

we basically got a three-year lease on these e-corns for free. Early: So?

Sheriff: Plus, we weren't lying. It still does have that faulty

ignition switch. Rusty: Yeah, daddy. This thing's a rolling death

trap. Early: Son, this rolling death trap is all that matters

to me. I mean, y'all -- y'all cool, too, but how am I gonna rev a

loved one, huh? Sheriff, you gonna let me ride piggyback on your shoulders

blasting Hank Jr.'s greatest hits out of your butthole? Sheriff: I don't think I

could do that. Early: Rusty, can you barf black smoke out your mouth and

nose holes while I press on your balls with my foot? Rusty: I guess not, daddy.

Early: Then you step aside and let me do the one and only thing that makes this life worth

living! Sheriff: Uh, wait. You still got that faulty

ignition switch. Early: It's an American-made faulty ignition switch.

United we stand!