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[ Static ]
[ Country music plays ]
my dreams are all dead and
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00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:16,076
buried
sometimes I wish the sun would
just explode
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00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:23,093
when God comes and calls me to
his kingdom
I'll take all you sons of
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00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:28,430
bitches when I go
when I blow
Rusty: My turn.
5
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:31,229
Early: Hell no.
Rusty: Man, let me drive that
thing!
6
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:37,242
Early: Do not touch the trim!
[ Siren wails ]
[ Tires screech ]
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00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,208
Sheriff: Boyd, you all right?
Where's he at?
Show yourself, Early!
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00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:44,407
Early ain't here, sheriff.
He ain't robbed me in weeks.
Startin' to think I might've did
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00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:49,552
something to hurt his feelings.
Sheriff: Then why in the hell
did you call 911, Boyd?
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00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:54,490
Just lonely, I guess. Uh...
How's it going?
Sheriff: Actually been pretty
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00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:58,318
chill the last couple weeks.
You know, maybe Early's on a
sabbatical or something.
12
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:01,755
Hell, you know, armed robbery
can be a grind, too, if you do
it every day.
13
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:05,232
I don't know, sheriff.
I'm startin' to get worried
about the guy.
14
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,602
Sheriff: Well, enjoy the
silence.
I'm sure he'll have that shotgun
15
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:13,512
stuck in your mouth again before
you can say the word "help."
Well, you got all this free
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00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:17,637
time.
How 'bout you go visit your mama
at that formaldehyde-soaked
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00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:21,605
hellhole you dumped her in?
Sheriff: Oh, Denny.
I love mama dEarly.
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00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:26,345
I respect her too much, though,
to spend time with her and let
her see me being bored by all
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00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:30,193
that, though.
I don't like the food over
there, neither.
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00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:34,491
They're always trying to get me
to eat with her, and that's,
well, just gross.
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00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:38,695
But whoo-whee, I'm tellin' you
[Clears throat] I sure have got
a hankerin' for one of them big
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00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,469
cookies over there, Boyd.
Hint, hint.
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00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:45,639
[ Door opens ]
Sheriff: Knock, knock, y'all.
Granny: There ain't nobody
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00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:49,339
here drunk or wailing on us,
sheriff, so you can just turn
around and get the hell off the
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00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:52,513
property.
Sheriff: Hey, now, this is
just a social call.
26
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:56,683
So, uh, I ain't seen Early in a
while.
Y'all doing all right?
27
00:01:56,684 --> 00:02:00,324
Rusty: Hell, yeah!
My relationship with daddy has
really blossomed since daddy
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00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:04,291
don't come 'round here no more.
Granny: Yeah, he's livin'
down at that piss-soaked old
29
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:08,361
folks home with his new wife.
Sheriff: Easy now, granny.
My mama lives down there, you
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00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:11,162
know.
Granny: Yeah, we know.
That's his new wife.
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00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,795
Sheriff: What?
Rusty: My daddy married your
mama.
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00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:17,201
Sheriff: What?
Granny: The boy is dumb, but
he don't stutter.
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00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,674
Rusty: My daddy married your
mama.
Check it out, brother.
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00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:23,043
[ Door opens ]
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Tires screech ]
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00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,313
Rusty: Cookie!
Granny: Cookie is mine!
Rusty: Give me that cookie!
36
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:30,823
[ Dog barking ]
Early: So, uh, what do you
like to do?
37
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:35,188
Uh, I like to watch me a little
bit of television set.
Sheriff: Early!
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00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:38,559
Early: Oh, hey, son.
You hear the good news?
Sheriff: I am not your son,
39
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:41,189
Early.
Early: That's right.
Just call me "Early."
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00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:44,255
I know this's gonna be weird for
you.
Sheriff: Mama, you didn't
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00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:48,095
change the will or -- or give
him your pin numbers or any
debit-card information or
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00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:51,602
anything, did you?
Early: Oh, relax, sheriff.
She can afford a boy toy.
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00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,535
Your daddy left us in great
shape.
Sheriff: "Us"?
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00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:58,842
No, this ain't happening.
Early: Listen, your mama and
I talked, and we think it's best
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00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:02,706
that you don't try to twist her
head against me.
If she could speak, she would
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00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:07,216
say she loves me and she's
committed to this relationship
and that I should have power of
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00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:11,421
attorney.
Sheriff: Mama, I-is it true?
Did you really marry this green
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00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:16,085
sack of...Doo-doo?
Early: Your words is like
knives, sheriff, tearing this
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00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:19,696
family apart, trying to poison
her against me.
Can't you just let us be happy?
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00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:24,440
Sheriff: Early, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.
Early: I ain't goin' nowhere.
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00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:28,708
This is our room now.
And this is as much my morphine
drip as it is hers.
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00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:32,879
Marital property.
[ Gulps ] Ahh!
Work injury.
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00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,250
Sheriff: Is this really what
you want, mama?
Tap the wall once for "yes" and
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00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,651
twice for "no."
She only talks by blinking,
sheriff.
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00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:43,323
Do you really not know that?
Sheriff: Well, what the
hell's she trying to say, Denny?
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00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:48,764
She's saying she's never felt
so alive.
Or maybe she's saying she's
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00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:52,762
never feared more for her life.
It's hard to tell.
The mascara makes the lids
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00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,596
stick.
Early: You ain't got to
answer him, cordelia, honey.
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00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,573
Don't you blink a damn word.
Sheriff: Well, maybe you
wanna explain it to the judge,
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00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:03,243
then, fartknocker!
Early: Don't you dare talk to
your daddy that way.
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00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:06,814
[ Door slams ]
The mouth on you!
[ Gavel banging ]
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00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:13,454
So, reverend, you performed a
marriage ceremony between this
thrice-convicted felon and this
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00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:17,964
unresponsive, elderly woman in
the tank over there?
Oh, you better believe it.
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00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:21,958
They paid cash, too, up front --
rare wheat pennies.
Sheriff: My daddy's wheat
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00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,502
pennies!
No!
Well, this marriage license
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00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:29,668
is valid, so I'm gonna deny your
unusual request for a
third-party annulment.
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00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:33,470
Sheriff: But I don't want it!
Early: And we gonna need
court costs here, too, judge.
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00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:36,514
This can't be coming out of our
nest egg.
Sheriff: That's my
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00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:40,280
inheritance.
Look at his face, judge.
Hell, he just got Botox.
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00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:44,221
Early: Oh, here we go now.
Typical of the young, envying
the old for the beautiful
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00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:47,718
plastic surgery they can now
have and afford.
Sheriff: I'm gonna nail you
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00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:51,491
to the wall, cuyler.
Early: Listen to the anger.
He's just mad 'cause he ain't
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00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:54,562
got nobody special in his life
like you got.
Come here and give your sweet
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00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:57,231
daddy some sugar, darlin'.
Sheriff: I'm gonna kill him!
Don't do it!
75
00:04:57,231 --> 00:04:59,701
Sheriff: Let me go, Denny!
Not this way!
Sheriff: Let me have him!
76
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,800
We'll do it another way!
Sheriff: I'm gonna kill him!
Early: Come on, darlin'.
77
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,373
Sheriff: Let me go, damn it!
Early: Let's me and you head
back to your place and resume
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00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:09,513
our overly active sex life.
The lovin' is good!
Sheriff: Let me at him!
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00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:15,380
Fart-butt stupid!
Pee-pee head! Doody butt!
Pardon my French, Denny, but the
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00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:19,552
words match the mood tonight.
Well, you keep attacking him
like this, you're only gonna
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00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,893
drive them closer together.
Sheriff: Well, what the
flipping fart poop do you
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00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:27,430
suggest?
It's beautiful.
Sheriff: I had to sink two
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00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:32,028
months worth of salary to pay
for this ring, but it's gonna be
worth it to see the look on
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00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:35,032
Early's face, buddy.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Door creaks ]
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00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:40,765
Hey, granny, I'm here to ask if
you'll take my hand in marriage?
Early: Well, congratulations,
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00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:44,344
sheriff.
Sheriff: [ Chuckles ]
Seems like the shoe's on the
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00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:47,245
other foot, now, don't it,
Early?
Granny: Hmm.
88
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:52,377
Pretty small rock, milky in
color.
I'm detecting a lot of
89
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:56,386
fracturing here.
Early: [ Chuckles ]
I guess you'll be moving in
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00:05:56,390 --> 00:06:00,760
here, then.
Sheriff: Uh, yeah, I hadn't
thought about it a lot, but I-I
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00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:05,061
guess that's what would, um,
have to happen.
Early: Good, 'cause your mama
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00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,895
and me talked, and we gonna move
in your house.
We gotta have some more space so
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00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:13,412
I can start my
"entay-per-neutral" business.
Sheriff: Well, uh, tonight I
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00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:18,937
may just have sex with your
granny...Right in the -- in that
area where you come out of.
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00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:22,746
Early: I'll point it out for
you, if you want me to.
I mean, I'll be working camera
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00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,080
two.
Granny: Yeah, we film
everything.
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00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:29,755
I have a terrible memory.
Sheriff: Well, does it bug
you that half of everything she
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00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:34,087
owns is gonna be mine now?
[ Chuckles ] I bet it does.
Early: Well, knock yourself
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00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,464
out.
I mean, she ain't got a damn pot
to piss in.
100
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:39,903
Sheriff: Well, half that piss
pot's gonna be mine.
Early: I said she ain't got
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00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,600
one of them.
Sheriff: Well -- well, okay.
Then what does she have?
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00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:48,614
Early: Uh, well, she got them
rain-soaked TV guides and the
cat carcass.
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00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:53,949
It's a modest dowry.
Granny: Oh, sheriff, I can't
marry you.
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00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:58,777
You're a loser.
Two months salary, and this is
all you could afford?
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00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:03,756
A little simple math shows me I
ain't gonna be living much more
comfortably than I am now.
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00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:08,327
Sheriff: [ Sighs ] Fine.
I-I think we rushed into this,
anyways.
107
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:12,328
Let me just get the, uh --
granny: Ah, ah.
That was a gift.
108
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:15,502
[ Car door slams ]
Sheriff: [ Sighs ]
Never marry anybody out of
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00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:19,972
revenge, Denny.
It just never works.
I think you just need to calm
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00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:25,543
down and think of a way you can
kill this son of a bitch.
Make it look like an accident.
111
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:29,706
Sheriff: No, Denny.
It's time I stopped being an
obstacle to their happiness.
112
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:36,986
I need to find a way to connect
with...Dad.
Oh, God.
113
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:40,360
Early: Hell, I don't know why
they wanna make you get a new
hip.
114
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,160
These old ones open and close
just fine.
[ Giggles ]
115
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,863
Ha ha!
[ Knock on door ]
Sheriff: Knock, knock.
116
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:49,396
Early: We busy right now.
Just put the pizza pie on that
tank with the woman in it.
117
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:54,713
She'll pay you.
Ooh, darlin'. [ Smooching ]
Sheriff: Oh, hey, Doris.
118
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:58,838
You here, uh, to visit mama?
Early: Oh, hey, son.
Hey, I'm wrapping it up over
119
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,406
here, okay?
Have a seat.
We got pizza comin'.
120
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:05,845
Sheriff: So, uh [Clears
throat] Early, what were you
doing in there with Doris?
121
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:11,393
Early: Listen, your mama and
I talked, and we decided that
it's best we have an open
122
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:15,561
relationship with multiple
partners.
Fetch!
123
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,832
Sheriff: No, no, I-I said
we'd play catch.
Early: That ain't what I
124
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:22,672
said.
Now go on. Fetch the damn ball!
You want me to love you, don't
125
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,939
you?
Sheriff: [ Sighs ] Yes.
Early: Attaboy.
126
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:29,009
Sheriff: Hey, uh, I-I notice
mama ain't wearing her wedding
ring.
127
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:33,549
Early: Well, your mama and me
talked, and we decided it'd be
best to trade that ring in to
128
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:36,547
the pawn shop for these slightly
used golf clubs.
Fetch!
129
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:40,850
Sheriff: My mama ain't been
able to talk about anything for
damn near two years.
130
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,724
Early: Aw, she's just shy
around people she don't like.
She's a chatterbox with me.
131
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:48,725
Sheriff: Why even bother
keeping her alive since all
you're doing is milking her dry?
132
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:53,599
Early: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now!
Ho. You out of line here, son.
If she dies, they're gonna stop
133
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,870
sending that social security
money check.
And I only got one wedge here.
134
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,910
Hell, they're gonna laugh me off
the damn course.
Sheriff: Ugh!
135
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:04,637
Hey, where you going?
I throwed the ball over there!
Sheriff: I'm gonna kill that
136
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:07,905
son of a fart-poop.
Ah!
Sheriff, you got to calm
137
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:11,815
down.
We'll get this straightened out.
I got me a plan to finish this
138
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:15,648
thing once and for all.
Sheriff: Wake up, Early.
What? Huh?
139
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:19,556
Sheriff: Where's my mama?
She's gone.
She's, uh, done run off.
140
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:24,100
And -- and look. What's this?
A letter?
This may be from mama.
141
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:28,997
Let's read it.
"Dear son, I have run off for my
own safety.
142
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:35,112
My fart-poop husband is mean to
me, and you tell that son of a
stink-butt that I don't love
143
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,638
him.
Signed, mama."
Early: Oh, yeah?
144
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:40,614
Well, I got me a note, too, and
it says, "dearest Early, my
darling --"
145
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:43,484
sheriff: Oh, you ain't got a
note.
I'm the one that has the note.
146
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,123
Early: Yuh-huh, I got me a
note.
Sheriff: What's it written
147
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,119
on?
Early: I'm remembering it
from memory.
148
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:53,691
She writes, "tell that
fat-headed son to don't never
meddle in my affairs again."
149
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:57,504
Sheriff: Did she really say
that about me?
Early: It goes on -- "please
150
00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:01,667
take everything I've left behind
and enjoy a carefree lifestyle,
dearest Early."
151
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:04,638
Sheriff: She wouldn't say
that.
Early: She would and she did!
152
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:08,638
Sheriff: Oh, yeah?
Well, we'll just find out right
now 'cause she's right down the
153
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,942
hall, stuffed in the utility
closet.
Early: So she didn't run off!
154
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:16,975
Sheriff: Wait. She didn't?
I thought you said she did.
Early: Wait. What'd you say?
155
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:20,994
Sheriff: Well, uh...
Early: Let me check the note.
Where's my note?
156
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:25,158
Sheriff: Mama?
Early: Cordelia? Honey baby?
Sheriff: I'll be damned.
157
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:30,858
She's gone.
So, I-I guess your letter was
right, after all.
158
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:35,304
[ Birds chirping ]
I wish we could go public
with our love, but I don't think
159
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,672
my boss could handle it.
He's a petty little man.
160
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:44,842
It is iron..Ic that your lungs
work when you're with me.
161
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:50,675
Yeah, I can breathe easy, too,
up here, away from it all.
162
00:10:50,684 --> 00:11:01,034
I was gonna say lean back and
just relax, but you can lean
forward, too.
163
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:08,768
And just enjoy the silence.
You got your hair in an ant pile
over there.
164
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:16,209
Let's -- let's move that.
Abambulance?
What's an abambulance?
165
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,209
Oh, "ambulance."
18126
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