Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Country music plays ] my dreams are all dead and

buried sometimes I wish the sun would just explode

when God comes and calls me to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go when I blow Rusty: My turn.

Early: Hell no. Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing!

Early: Do not touch the trim! [ Siren wails ] [ Tires screech ]

Sheriff: Boyd, you all right? Where's he at? Show yourself, Early!

Early ain't here, sheriff. He ain't robbed me in weeks. Startin' to think I might've did

something to hurt his feelings. Sheriff: Then why in the hell did you call 911, Boyd?

Just lonely, I guess. Uh... How's it going? Sheriff: Actually been pretty

chill the last couple weeks. You know, maybe Early's on a sabbatical or something.

Hell, you know, armed robbery can be a grind, too, if you do it every day.

I don't know, sheriff. I'm startin' to get worried about the guy.

Sheriff: Well, enjoy the silence. I'm sure he'll have that shotgun

stuck in your mouth again before you can say the word "help." Well, you got all this free

time. How 'bout you go visit your mama at that formaldehyde-soaked

hellhole you dumped her in? Sheriff: Oh, Denny. I love mama dEarly.

I respect her too much, though, to spend time with her and let her see me being bored by all

that, though. I don't like the food over there, neither.

They're always trying to get me to eat with her, and that's, well, just gross.

But whoo-whee, I'm tellin' you [Clears throat] I sure have got a hankerin' for one of them big

cookies over there, Boyd. Hint, hint.

[ Door opens ] Sheriff: Knock, knock, y'all. Granny: There ain't nobody

here drunk or wailing on us, sheriff, so you can just turn around and get the hell off the

property. Sheriff: Hey, now, this is just a social call.

So, uh, I ain't seen Early in a while. Y'all doing all right?

Rusty: Hell, yeah! My relationship with daddy has really blossomed since daddy

don't come 'round here no more. Granny: Yeah, he's livin' down at that piss-soaked old

folks home with his new wife. Sheriff: Easy now, granny. My mama lives down there, you

know. Granny: Yeah, we know. That's his new wife.

Sheriff: What? Rusty: My daddy married your mama.

Sheriff: What? Granny: The boy is dumb, but he don't stutter.

Rusty: My daddy married your mama. Check it out, brother.

[ Door opens ] [ Siren wailing ] [ Tires screech ]

Rusty: Cookie! Granny: Cookie is mine! Rusty: Give me that cookie!

[ Dog barking ] Early: So, uh, what do you like to do?

Uh, I like to watch me a little bit of television set. Sheriff: Early!

Early: Oh, hey, son. You hear the good news? Sheriff: I am not your son,

Early. Early: That's right. Just call me "Early."

I know this's gonna be weird for you. Sheriff: Mama, you didn't

change the will or -- or give him your pin numbers or any debit-card information or

anything, did you? Early: Oh, relax, sheriff. She can afford a boy toy.

Your daddy left us in great shape. Sheriff: "Us"?

No, this ain't happening. Early: Listen, your mama and I talked, and we think it's best

that you don't try to twist her head against me. If she could speak, she would

say she loves me and she's committed to this relationship and that I should have power of

attorney. Sheriff: Mama, I-is it true? Did you really marry this green

sack of...Doo-doo? Early: Your words is like knives, sheriff, tearing this

family apart, trying to poison her against me. Can't you just let us be happy?

Sheriff: Early, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Early: I ain't goin' nowhere.

This is our room now. And this is as much my morphine drip as it is hers.

Marital property. [ Gulps ] Ahh! Work injury.

Sheriff: Is this really what you want, mama? Tap the wall once for "yes" and

twice for "no." She only talks by blinking, sheriff.

Do you really not know that? Sheriff: Well, what the hell's she trying to say, Denny?

She's saying she's never felt so alive. Or maybe she's saying she's

never feared more for her life. It's hard to tell. The mascara makes the lids

stick. Early: You ain't got to answer him, cordelia, honey.

Don't you blink a damn word. Sheriff: Well, maybe you wanna explain it to the judge,

then, fartknocker! Early: Don't you dare talk to your daddy that way.

[ Door slams ] The mouth on you! [ Gavel banging ]

So, reverend, you performed a marriage ceremony between this thrice-convicted felon and this

unresponsive, elderly woman in the tank over there? Oh, you better believe it.

They paid cash, too, up front -- rare wheat pennies. Sheriff: My daddy's wheat

pennies! No! Well, this marriage license

is valid, so I'm gonna deny your unusual request for a third-party annulment.

Sheriff: But I don't want it! Early: And we gonna need court costs here, too, judge.

This can't be coming out of our nest egg. Sheriff: That's my

inheritance. Look at his face, judge. Hell, he just got Botox.

Early: Oh, here we go now. Typical of the young, envying the old for the beautiful

plastic surgery they can now have and afford. Sheriff: I'm gonna nail you

to the wall, cuyler. Early: Listen to the anger. He's just mad 'cause he ain't

got nobody special in his life like you got. Come here and give your sweet

daddy some sugar, darlin'. Sheriff: I'm gonna kill him! Don't do it!

Sheriff: Let me go, Denny! Not this way! Sheriff: Let me have him!

We'll do it another way! Sheriff: I'm gonna kill him! Early: Come on, darlin'.

Sheriff: Let me go, damn it! Early: Let's me and you head back to your place and resume

our overly active sex life. The lovin' is good! Sheriff: Let me at him!

Fart-butt stupid! Pee-pee head! Doody butt! Pardon my French, Denny, but the

words match the mood tonight. Well, you keep attacking him like this, you're only gonna

drive them closer together. Sheriff: Well, what the flipping fart poop do you

suggest? It's beautiful. Sheriff: I had to sink two

months worth of salary to pay for this ring, but it's gonna be worth it to see the look on

Early's face, buddy. [ Chuckles ] [ Door creaks ]

Hey, granny, I'm here to ask if you'll take my hand in marriage? Early: Well, congratulations,

sheriff. Sheriff: [ Chuckles ] Seems like the shoe's on the

other foot, now, don't it, Early? Granny: Hmm.

Pretty small rock, milky in color. I'm detecting a lot of

fracturing here. Early: [ Chuckles ] I guess you'll be moving in

here, then. Sheriff: Uh, yeah, I hadn't thought about it a lot, but I-I

guess that's what would, um, have to happen. Early: Good, 'cause your mama

and me talked, and we gonna move in your house. We gotta have some more space so

I can start my "entay-per-neutral" business. Sheriff: Well, uh, tonight I

may just have sex with your granny...Right in the -- in that area where you come out of.

Early: I'll point it out for you, if you want me to. I mean, I'll be working camera

two. Granny: Yeah, we film everything.

I have a terrible memory. Sheriff: Well, does it bug you that half of everything she

owns is gonna be mine now? [ Chuckles ] I bet it does. Early: Well, knock yourself

out. I mean, she ain't got a damn pot to piss in.

Sheriff: Well, half that piss pot's gonna be mine. Early: I said she ain't got

one of them. Sheriff: Well -- well, okay. Then what does she have?

Early: Uh, well, she got them rain-soaked TV guides and the cat carcass.

It's a modest dowry. Granny: Oh, sheriff, I can't marry you.

You're a loser. Two months salary, and this is all you could afford?

A little simple math shows me I ain't gonna be living much more comfortably than I am now.

Sheriff: [ Sighs ] Fine. I-I think we rushed into this, anyways.

Let me just get the, uh -- granny: Ah, ah. That was a gift.

[ Car door slams ] Sheriff: [ Sighs ] Never marry anybody out of

revenge, Denny. It just never works. I think you just need to calm

down and think of a way you can kill this son of a bitch. Make it look like an accident.

Sheriff: No, Denny. It's time I stopped being an obstacle to their happiness.

I need to find a way to connect with...Dad. Oh, God.

Early: Hell, I don't know why they wanna make you get a new hip.

These old ones open and close just fine. [ Giggles ]

Ha ha! [ Knock on door ] Sheriff: Knock, knock.

Early: We busy right now. Just put the pizza pie on that tank with the woman in it.

She'll pay you. Ooh, darlin'. [ Smooching ] Sheriff: Oh, hey, Doris.

You here, uh, to visit mama? Early: Oh, hey, son. Hey, I'm wrapping it up over

here, okay? Have a seat. We got pizza comin'.

Sheriff: So, uh [Clears throat] Early, what were you doing in there with Doris?

Early: Listen, your mama and I talked, and we decided that it's best we have an open

relationship with multiple partners. Fetch!

Sheriff: No, no, I-I said we'd play catch. Early: That ain't what I

said. Now go on. Fetch the damn ball! You want me to love you, don't

you? Sheriff: [ Sighs ] Yes. Early: Attaboy.

Sheriff: Hey, uh, I-I notice mama ain't wearing her wedding ring.

Early: Well, your mama and me talked, and we decided it'd be best to trade that ring in to

the pawn shop for these slightly used golf clubs. Fetch!

Sheriff: My mama ain't been able to talk about anything for damn near two years.

Early: Aw, she's just shy around people she don't like. She's a chatterbox with me.

Sheriff: Why even bother keeping her alive since all you're doing is milking her dry?

Early: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now! Ho. You out of line here, son. If she dies, they're gonna stop

sending that social security money check. And I only got one wedge here.

Hell, they're gonna laugh me off the damn course. Sheriff: Ugh!

Hey, where you going? I throwed the ball over there! Sheriff: I'm gonna kill that

son of a fart-poop. Ah! Sheriff, you got to calm

down. We'll get this straightened out. I got me a plan to finish this

thing once and for all. Sheriff: Wake up, Early. What? Huh?

Sheriff: Where's my mama? She's gone. She's, uh, done run off.

And -- and look. What's this? A letter? This may be from mama.

Let's read it. "Dear son, I have run off for my own safety.

My fart-poop husband is mean to me, and you tell that son of a stink-butt that I don't love

him. Signed, mama." Early: Oh, yeah?

Well, I got me a note, too, and it says, "dearest Early, my darling --"

sheriff: Oh, you ain't got a note. I'm the one that has the note.

Early: Yuh-huh, I got me a note. Sheriff: What's it written

on? Early: I'm remembering it from memory.

She writes, "tell that fat-headed son to don't never meddle in my affairs again."

Sheriff: Did she really say that about me? Early: It goes on -- "please

take everything I've left behind and enjoy a carefree lifestyle, dearest Early."

Sheriff: She wouldn't say that. Early: She would and she did!

Sheriff: Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just find out right now 'cause she's right down the

hall, stuffed in the utility closet. Early: So she didn't run off!

Sheriff: Wait. She didn't? I thought you said she did. Early: Wait. What'd you say?

Sheriff: Well, uh... Early: Let me check the note. Where's my note?

Sheriff: Mama? Early: Cordelia? Honey baby? Sheriff: I'll be damned.

She's gone. So, I-I guess your letter was right, after all.

[ Birds chirping ] I wish we could go public with our love, but I don't think

my boss could handle it. He's a petty little man.

It is iron..Ic that your lungs work when you're with me.

Yeah, I can breathe easy, too, up here, away from it all.

I was gonna say lean back and just relax, but you can lean forward, too.

And just enjoy the silence. You got your hair in an ant pile over there.

Let's -- let's move that. Abambulance? What's an abambulance?

Oh, "ambulance."