Original subtitles

[ Static ] my dreams are all dead and buried

sometimes I wish the sun would just explode when God comes and calls me to

his kingdom I'll take all you sons of bitches

Rusty: My turn. when I go Early: Hell no.

Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Early: Do not touch the trim! [ Animals calling ] Rusty: Daddy, why do we got

to do this? Early: Winter's a-comin'. If we don't hunt, we don't eat.

Now, everybody, don your camo.

Now let's do this! [ Birds chirping ] All right, here we are.

Y'all slather me down with the scent. Granny: [ Gulps ]

Oh. So, this wasn't our lunch? Early: Damn it, we need that

sauce to hunt! How you expect us to sneak up on a whole field full o' apples if

we don't smell like 'em? Granny: Now, which ones are the apples?

Are them them red ones that naked bitch ate in the garden and ruined it for the rest of

us? Early: Shh! Shh! Shut your damn mouth now!

Gimme a boost. Apples, apples, apples! That's right, folks!

Feast your eyes on the wonder of a fruit that hangs from a branch and doesn't do much for many

months at a time! [ Indistinct talking ] Early: [ Grunting ]

What the hell? Rusty: Daddy, apple tour! Early: Ah, hell.

Freeze! [ Birds chirping ] Don't move.

Granny: Oh! [ Moaning ] No, no, I can't take it!

We're made! Rusty: Granny, no! [ Static ]

Code red -- three worms in sector six. Granny: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Well, I'll be! This one here moves like she's on greased rails!

Early: Move very slowly. Over many months. Just like a tree.

Sheriff: All right, y'all, drop the pomaceous fruits and get down on the ground!

Early: Damn it! [ Both grunting ] I ain't gonna press charges,

sheriff, not if they're willing to help me out at my fall fair. Early: Oh, you want me to be

the emcee -- step up and run this whole thing?! Oh, you'll be runnin'.

Granny: Aah! Runnin' quite a bit, yes, sir.

[ Pigs snorting ] Early: What the h-- racin' pigs?!

Sweet! Now, who's ready to see them some pig racin'?!

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Pig snorts ] Early: I ain't racin' around

a damn dirt circle like some damn fool with -- [ Gunshot ]

Rabbit! Rabbit! [ Indistinct shouting ] granny: Ohh!

Early: I want the rabbit! Rusty: Whoo-hoo! Imma win! Early: Don't you dare win!

[ Breathing heavily ] I need to win! Rusty: All right then.

Early: Early cuyler [Breathes heavily] baby! Granny: Get that rabbit

quick! Get it, get it, get it! Early: W-what?!

Granny: Get that rabbit! Early: Nooo! Granny: Wait, where'd it go?

And the winner -- the small, uh, girl one. Granny: Yay!

Best guess. That's a woman, right? Granny: I guess the rabbit

went back in the hole! [ Gasps ] Six more weeks of summer!

Rusty: Dang, granny, where'd you learn to run like that? Granny: Oh, the spirit just

come over me, I reckon. Also, I was being chased by imaginary mind bees.

Rusty: Did you see that, daddy? She blew right past you.

Early: What I seen was this here chest lump with glasses robbing me of my first-place

finish! I didn't have no imaginary bees to run with!

Listen to that crowd! [ Cheers and applause ] They're really taking to

granny hotfoot here! Early: Granny hotfoot?! Ha, I don't know if y'all

have what it takes to compete with this little octogenarian. Granny: Yay!

Early: Listen here, Early cuyler don't race for no man -- unless his pride is

questioned and his rage clouds his ability to see his best interests!

So he want hisself a rematch, damn it, right now! Granny: If you want a piece

of this, you're gonna have to pick up the pace, Alice. Early: Don't you get inside

my head! I'm the one who manipulates my mind!

Put 'em in the gates! Rusty: You want me to do like i done before and stop before

the finish line? Early: Yes, damn it! Granny: That'd be great,

dear. How's the weather back there?! Early: You see that Walker

she's got?! That's an unfair advantage! [ Grunts ]

Granny: One order of my dust comin' right up! Early: Oh, I can't win no

race in a damn Walker! Granny: Oh, Orson, she's beautiful!

Who is she now? [ Pig snorting ] Early: Yah! Yah! Get it on!

Yeah! Whoo! Granny: I'm just doing this for fun now!

Early: S-she bumped me! Did anybody see that?! My aerodynamic helmet weighs a

sumbitchin' ton! Granny: You still here? [ Cheers and applause ]

Here you go, chubby. You know, you should drop out of school and race pigs.

It's much easier, and you get laid a lot. What?!

I'm an athlete, not a role model! [ Pigs snorting ]

[ Both snorting, munching ] Granny: Mmm, mmm! Delicious!

Early: Hey, that there is performance-enhancing burger meat -- essential cheese

vitamins! That bitch is dopin'! Ooh, granny hotfoot, looks

like we got us a whistle-blower here. Granny: This ain't nothing

but a witch-hunt. [ Slurps ] they after my title. Early: We ain't eating

nothin' in here except apple cores and pig shit! Rusty: Daddy, now, don't rock

the boat now. This stuff's pretty good. Early: I call for you to form

hamburger and taco testin' across the board! Granny: Okay, that's enough

of this, Oprah. This interview's over. I'll see your ass on the track.

Early: You sure as hell will! Granny: I'll say "hi" as I blow your damn doors off.

Early: Y-you don't get -- i-I get the damn last word, bitch! And that was it, what I just

said! Granny: Oh, yeah, that's great.

Oh, yeah! Granny: Mm, that's deep! [ Grunts ]

Granny: So deep! Yeah, you got cramping and tension all up and down you legs

and back. Can't seem to work this knot out.

Granny: Oh, I wouldn't kill yourself on that one. I think that's a brain tumor

that migrated. Ticket sales are through the roof, my little purple champion!

[ Grunts ] Folks are comin' from as far away as ellijay to watch you run

in the mud against your firstborn. Granny: If he was any slower,

he'd be goin' backwards! [ Both laugh ] Early: Ooh, bitch.

Granny: You think I could get a refill on this appletini, love?

Okay, all right. [ Smack! ] Oh, quit! [ Laughs ]

Granny: Oh, I've banged gayer dudes than you. I'll set you straight in a

fortnight, honey. [ Sizzling ] Ooh, the hands!

Early: Yeah, we gonna do us some hot-oil therapy now. Granny: Oh, that sounds --

wait, what?! Early: And a chemical face peel!

Granny: [ Gurgling ] Early: Straight on down to the bone!

Rusty: Daddy, don't! Early: [ Grunting ] You're right!

My damn arm's burning! Ohh! Rusty: Oh, my God, granny, are you okay?!

Granny: [ Moaning ] Early: Why?! Granny: Aah!

Early: Why are you makin' me do this?! Granny: Aah!

Early: Still why?! Granny: Aah! Early: I will never

understand why! Granny: Aah! Early: I tried to warn you!

Granny: Aah! Early: But this is what you get when you don't race fair!

Granny: Aah! Early: [ Breathing heavily ] Granny: [ Moaning ]

Appletini a-co-- oh, granny hotfoot, what happened! [ Bat clatters ]

Early: Uh, she fell down the stairs I-into the fritter machine, which is here now and,

well, so am I. Uh, I-I just came here looking for the machine.

Oh, uh, here it is. Looks like she fell in it. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Feedback ] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to report granny hotfoot

won't be racing tonight. [ Spectators gasp ] Oh, uh, calm down now, folks!

We got animals dressed as movie stars, we sure do! Y'all like that, don't ya?

[ Cheers and applause ] First up to the starting line, please welcome squid rock!

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Pig snorting ] [ Rock music playing ]

Next up, he's the villain you love to hate! Straight from the sock hop, it's

inky tuscadero! [ Spectators booing ] Early: You want you some of

this?! It's goin' down tonight, baby! [ Booing continues ]

Rusty: I don't like them dressing us up like people. It's dehumanizin'.

Early: Unh-unh, it's re-humanizing, you see? 'Cause they making us look like,

you know, human people and all. Rusty: Nah, daddy, they're taking away our dignity.

[ Pig snorts ] Early: You're missing the point.

We look like people now. What's this?! [ Feedback ]

I'm getting word from the tunnel we have a late entry. Early: What the hell's this?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your reigning champion, granicus hotfoot!

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Fanfare ] Granny: I...

Am... Granicus! Early: You ain't in no

condition to race! Granny: Oh, son, you may have gotten my good looks, but you

never got my will to win! [ Cackles ] Early: [ Sniffling ]

To hell with this mess! [ Crying ] Rusty: Daddy, where you

going? Granny: If only he ran like that in the race, he might win

one! [ Laughs ] Rusty, I'm gonna need you to lay

up again for me. On your marks! Set!

[ Indistinct shouting, screaming ] Early: Out of my way, you

dumbasses! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo!

No, my beautiful menagerie! Granny: Get on, snowball! Stop sniffin' your brother's

ass! He's dead! Early: Hell yeah!

Whoo! Victory is mine! [ Engine revving ] What the?!

Granny: [ Grunts ] It's over, Early! Early: Nothing is over!

Granny: Imma win! Early: I need this! [ Both grunting ]

[ Pig snorting ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Flies buzzing ]

Oh, lord, no, this mess ain't gonna fly on a billboard. Okay, that's it. Show's over.

We're goin' corn maze. Put 'em all to sleep. Wipe it clean.

[ Pig snorts ] Early: Oh, oh, I see how he won now, getting his damn blood

doped over there! [ Pig squeals ] Rusty: He's getting

euthanized, daddy. Granny: Hey, I want to be younger!

Rusty: That ain't what that means, granny! We need to get on out of here!

Early: Look, I don't want to taint my championship, but, hell, everybody's juicing now,

and I got to do what I got to do to stay competitive. Granny: If he gets that shot,

i want the shot, too! Rusty: I'll see y'all. [ Flies buzzing ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Granny: Made in Georgia!