All language subtitles for Squidbillies.S09E06_English

[ Static ]
[ Country music plays ]
My dreams are all dead and

buried
sometimes I wish the sun would
just explode

when God comes and calls me to
his kingdom
I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go
Rusty: My turn.
Early: Hell no.

Rusty: Man, let me drive that
thing!
Early: Do not touch the trim!

Herschel Walker, baby!
Yeah!
[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Police siren chirps ]
Sheriff: Early?
What you doin'?

Early: Nothing to see here.
This is a legitimate Georgia
bulldog national championship

football celebration.
Sheriff: Well, they hadn't
won one since 1980--

Early: Hell yeah!
I'm still exciteder than hell
about it.

Go, you silver britches!
Sheriff: Early, take a ride
with me.

Come on. I need to talk to you.
Early: All right.
Shotgun!

Sheriff: You heard him,
Denny.
Get on in the back.

But we keep the firearms up
here.
Sheriff: He called shotgun

first, Denny.
It's a bro-code thing.
Early: Hold on, now,

sawed-off.
I got shotgun on them back
seats, too.

Dang it!
Sheriff: Oh, come on up here,
Denny, and ride in my lap.

Early: Shotgun! Your seat!
Move them sweet cheeks.
Come on. Get to steppin'.

Sheriff: He shotgunned all
the seats.
We're in a real damn pickle now.

[ Engine revving ]
Early: Go, dawgs! Sic em!
[ Metal crunching ]

I guess we all walkin'.
Sheriff: Well, here we are.
Remember this?

Early: Finally!
A lawn jockey that's a squid.
I'm so damn tired of lawn

jockeys being just blacks and
gnomes.
D.C.'s got its head up its ass

with all them
affirmative-action gnome quotas.
Sheriff: No, Early, that

ain't a lawn jockey.
That's you when you was just a
young man.

And look -- there's my daddy,
standing right alongside you.
It's a statue to commemorate

the integration of the
dougal county school system.
Wasn't the school integrated

back in the Early '60s?
Sheriff: Well, sure it was,
for blacks and whites, but not

for critters.
[ Clears throat ]
No offense.

My daddy changed all that,
though.
Yep, animals and people

attending schools together.
There ya go.
Early: Like this, daddy?

You like this, sheriff?
Harder! Crazier!
Early: Is this good?

Am I doin' it right?
What's doin', hezekiah ray?
My boy just done a fancy

mountain dance in your field of
vision, and you was clEarly
entertained.

Now you owe me 25 cent, or may
God take both your eyeballs.
Okeydoke.

Now that's a fine dance
there, Early.
Here, why don't you go get

yourself a pop?
Quick, boy!
He's looking at ya!

Dance it up again!
Ha ha! Yeah!
You done looked again!

Peel off another quarter dollar,
you dumb-as-a-stump son of a
bitch!

Okay. I'm not looking now.
Just grab the coin out of my
hand.

Y'all have a good day now.
Early: Is this good?
Clear that quarter, bitch!

Sheriff: Hey, daddy,
knock knock?
Who's there?

Sheriff: Squid.
[ Chuckles ] Squid who?
Sheriff: Me dumb squid,

slanty eyes.
Me make poo poo on your fries!
Sharif!

You substituted squids in my
favorite joke about asians.
Why?

Sheriff: Because squishers
are dirty and poor, and they
steal stuff and they eat mud,

and I hate them dumb cephalos.
Look, son, those squids are
just like us on the inside,

except they have ink sacs.
And they have eight legs.
And they, uh -- they do eat mud.

No, they're nothing like us.
See what I'm doing here?
Now you seen my mountain dance,

so now you owe me the money,
boy.
Early: Aw, damn.

You stay here and don't stop
dancing.
I'm going down to get my dinner

liquor.
Sheriff: Back then, there was
a lot of prejudice against

aquatic-Americans.
You remember how drunk folks
used to throw y'all for

amusement?
Early: And for cash damn
money on the barrel head.

Them was the good old days, back
before the south became such a
pussy.

Sheriff: You know, sometimes
people would throw y'all and
they wouldn't even pay nothin'.

I'll invoice you!
Sheriff: They'd toss you
into a fire...

It burns!
Sheriff: ...Barbed-wire
fence...

This sucks.
Sheriff: Sometimes they'd pay
your daddy in pennies.

They'd whip 'em at his face as
hard as they could, one after
the other.

You're still 10 cents short.
But I appreciate your loyalty to
my weird business.

Early: Then the p.C. Police
come along and denied us a
working wage.

Hell, its got to the point where
you can't let no-damn-body toss
you into a wood chipper.

My body, my decision!
Sheriff: Look, I ain't saying
it's right, but folks would buy

into the stereotypes about
squids back then.
Early: Like the fact that we

can suck the disease out of a
man with our arm suckers?
Sheriff: Hadn't most of

that's been disproved over time?
Early: Oh, listen to old
two-packs-a-day here.

Don't you come blubbering to me
when they find a spot on your
x-ray.

Sheriff: Early, my point is
that everybody else wrote y'all
squids off, but my daddy saw

more in you.
All I'm sayin' is, there's a
better future for your boy than

standing on a street corner all
night doing a crazy mountain jig
for strangers.

Name one.
Well, he could go to school,
learn a trade.

You want to send him to the
space moon and be a space
astronaut?

Granny: You can send him
straight to the sun for all I
care!

Well, I was thinking
appliance repair --
school ain't not never ain't

gonna put no not food in his
belly don't never!
Sure it will.

We got a free school lunch
program for folks like y'all.
Well, they'll send a bus out

here to pick him up.
So you're gonna take him away
from me and his grandmama, who

may or may not be also my wife?
Granny: Like free babysitting
and someone else is the mom?

Well, the taxpayers foot the
bill, but, yeah, it -- it's free
to you.

Granny: Yeah!
Send his ass to school!
You ain't even got to pay for

this dance.
It's on the house.
Sheriff: But daddy still had

to convince the dougal county
school board to let y'all in,
and back then, that was a pretty

tall order.
Marine life ain't ought to be
co-mingle-tating with our kind.

Now hang on just a second.
Now, I know these squid look
stupid and smell bad and we hate

'em, but they're not dumb
beasts.
Whoo!

Granny: Yay!
There you go.
I mean, they're not smart, by

any stretch, either, but with
some training and education,
well, one day they could learn

to pump our gas or maybe even
work a paintbrush.
It's free to throw the old

one, because I don't love her no
more.
Granny: It's free to throw

you!
It's free to throw you,
bitch!

I'll wring your neck!
All right! Quiet!
There ain't gonna be no

sub-snatching, green-skinned
freaks in dougal county schools!
No, sir!

Not on my watch!
Sheriff: Turns out, his watch
wasn't very long.

He came down with the lung
cancer, and conventional
medicine just really couldn't do

much for him.
[ Wheezes ]
I hear that y'all squids can

suck the cancer clean out of a
man.
That's very true.

Come on in here and take your
clothes off.
[ Groaning ]

All right, there you go.
I think we got it all.
That's it?

I'm cured?
You in full omission.
Praise God in heaven above!

I'll tell you, the things I said
about y'all almost makes me feel
bad in some way.

> Early: So I get to go to the
human school now?
No, no, no.

God, no.
My kids go to that school.
How about us take a quarter

and call it even?
Will you take it in nickels?
We take nickels, yeah.

Oh!
[ Laughing ]
I got a new lease on life!

[ Laughs ]
Sheriff: The chairman died
two days later of lung cancer.

But daddy, he went ahead and
forged the chairman's signature
on the document that said you

could attend school.
Sheriff: As long as I'll
live, I'll never forget the

sight on that historic day.
Sheriff: Blacks and whites
working in unity to hate you and

keep you out of their school.
Granny: Don't let him in!
Go back to Atlantis, you

squishy sub-snatcher!
You ready to make history?

Have a good day at school now.
Sheriff: Daddy put it all on
the line for you that day...

And you made him look pretty
damn stupid when you up and quit
10 minutes later.

Early: Hell with that mess!
Early, where the hell you
goin'?!

Get your ass back here!
Early: But wasn't it the
great Abraham Lincoln who said,

"beware of schools.
They run by Jews"?
Sheriff: Well, Early, he said

it, but you're taking his most
famous words out of context.
Early: Sheriff, look at that

shiny truck I got.
Now smell my finger.
Sheriff: [ Sniffs ]

Early: [ Chuckles ]
I've had success in this life.
I don't need no damn state

schools to tell me how to make
it happen for me and mine.
Sheriff: Well, be that as it

may, we're dedicating that
statue tomorrow afternoon.
And I sure hope you'll be...

There.
[ Clears throat ]
My daddy had a dream -- a bold

dream.
But when nascar told him they
weren't going to have

cheerleaders, especially not
male ones, he put that dream to
bed and moved here to

dougal county to become a
lawman, and he saw to it that
not just men of all colors could

go to school but animals, too.
Creatures of the sea.
We now know this to be a

mistake.
Guess we just weren't ready back
then.

Was daddy too progressive for
his time?
Maybe.

But he stood up to injustice.
When someone in power tried to
stop him, he would pretend to

agree with them, then wait for
them to die, and find a way to
work around them.

[ Applause ]
And if the inspiration for this
statue was here today --

Early: I am here today.
Sheriff: Actually, Early, I
was talkin' about my daddy --

Early: I have some words.
[ Clears throat ]
40 years ago, the sheriff's

daddy went to great lengths to
give me the chance to quit
school.

And because of my selfless,
heroic actions on that day, my
son was also able to quit

school.
And someday, his illegitimate
son, born out of wedlock, will

also have the opportunity to
quit this very same government
school.

School sucks!
[ Crowd gasps ]
Sheriff: What in the hell?

Granny: Sorry. We had to melt
down your daddy to give Early
the upper body mass he

requested.
Early: This is how I would've
looked had I exercised the way I

had fully intended to.
I am a many muscled man!