Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Country music plays ] My dreams are all dead and

buried sometimes I wish the sun would just explode

when God comes and calls me to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go Rusty: My turn. Early: Hell no.

Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing! Early: Do not touch the trim!

Herschel Walker, baby! Yeah! [ Alarm blaring ]

[ Police siren chirps ] Sheriff: Early? What you doin'?

Early: Nothing to see here. This is a legitimate Georgia bulldog national championship

football celebration. Sheriff: Well, they hadn't won one since 1980--

Early: Hell yeah! I'm still exciteder than hell about it.

Go, you silver britches! Sheriff: Early, take a ride with me.

Come on. I need to talk to you. Early: All right. Shotgun!

Sheriff: You heard him, Denny. Get on in the back.

But we keep the firearms up here. Sheriff: He called shotgun

first, Denny. It's a bro-code thing. Early: Hold on, now,

sawed-off. I got shotgun on them back seats, too.

Dang it! Sheriff: Oh, come on up here, Denny, and ride in my lap.

Early: Shotgun! Your seat! Move them sweet cheeks. Come on. Get to steppin'.

Sheriff: He shotgunned all the seats. We're in a real damn pickle now.

[ Engine revving ] Early: Go, dawgs! Sic em! [ Metal crunching ]

I guess we all walkin'. Sheriff: Well, here we are. Remember this?

Early: Finally! A lawn jockey that's a squid. I'm so damn tired of lawn

jockeys being just blacks and gnomes. D.C.'s got its head up its ass

with all them affirmative-action gnome quotas. Sheriff: No, Early, that

ain't a lawn jockey. That's you when you was just a young man.

And look -- there's my daddy, standing right alongside you. It's a statue to commemorate

the integration of the dougal county school system. Wasn't the school integrated

back in the Early '60s? Sheriff: Well, sure it was, for blacks and whites, but not

for critters. [ Clears throat ] No offense.

My daddy changed all that, though. Yep, animals and people

attending schools together. There ya go. Early: Like this, daddy?

You like this, sheriff? Harder! Crazier! Early: Is this good?

Am I doin' it right? What's doin', hezekiah ray? My boy just done a fancy

mountain dance in your field of vision, and you was clEarly entertained.

Now you owe me 25 cent, or may God take both your eyeballs. Okeydoke.

Now that's a fine dance there, Early. Here, why don't you go get

yourself a pop? Quick, boy! He's looking at ya!

Dance it up again! Ha ha! Yeah! You done looked again!

Peel off another quarter dollar, you dumb-as-a-stump son of a bitch!

Okay. I'm not looking now. Just grab the coin out of my hand.

Y'all have a good day now. Early: Is this good? Clear that quarter, bitch!

Sheriff: Hey, daddy, knock knock? Who's there?

Sheriff: Squid. [ Chuckles ] Squid who? Sheriff: Me dumb squid,

slanty eyes. Me make poo poo on your fries! Sharif!

You substituted squids in my favorite joke about asians. Why?

Sheriff: Because squishers are dirty and poor, and they steal stuff and they eat mud,

and I hate them dumb cephalos. Look, son, those squids are just like us on the inside,

except they have ink sacs. And they have eight legs. And they, uh -- they do eat mud.

No, they're nothing like us. See what I'm doing here? Now you seen my mountain dance,

so now you owe me the money, boy. Early: Aw, damn.

You stay here and don't stop dancing. I'm going down to get my dinner

liquor. Sheriff: Back then, there was a lot of prejudice against

aquatic-Americans. You remember how drunk folks used to throw y'all for

amusement? Early: And for cash damn money on the barrel head.

Them was the good old days, back before the south became such a pussy.

Sheriff: You know, sometimes people would throw y'all and they wouldn't even pay nothin'.

I'll invoice you! Sheriff: They'd toss you into a fire...

It burns! Sheriff: ...Barbed-wire fence...

This sucks. Sheriff: Sometimes they'd pay your daddy in pennies.

They'd whip 'em at his face as hard as they could, one after the other.

You're still 10 cents short. But I appreciate your loyalty to my weird business.

Early: Then the p.C. Police come along and denied us a working wage.

Hell, its got to the point where you can't let no-damn-body toss you into a wood chipper.

My body, my decision! Sheriff: Look, I ain't saying it's right, but folks would buy

into the stereotypes about squids back then. Early: Like the fact that we

can suck the disease out of a man with our arm suckers? Sheriff: Hadn't most of

that's been disproved over time? Early: Oh, listen to old two-packs-a-day here.

Don't you come blubbering to me when they find a spot on your x-ray.

Sheriff: Early, my point is that everybody else wrote y'all squids off, but my daddy saw

more in you. All I'm sayin' is, there's a better future for your boy than

standing on a street corner all night doing a crazy mountain jig for strangers.

Name one. Well, he could go to school, learn a trade.

You want to send him to the space moon and be a space astronaut?

Granny: You can send him straight to the sun for all I care!

Well, I was thinking appliance repair -- school ain't not never ain't

gonna put no not food in his belly don't never! Sure it will.

We got a free school lunch program for folks like y'all. Well, they'll send a bus out

here to pick him up. So you're gonna take him away from me and his grandmama, who

may or may not be also my wife? Granny: Like free babysitting and someone else is the mom?

Well, the taxpayers foot the bill, but, yeah, it -- it's free to you.

Granny: Yeah! Send his ass to school! You ain't even got to pay for

this dance. It's on the house. Sheriff: But daddy still had

to convince the dougal county school board to let y'all in, and back then, that was a pretty

tall order. Marine life ain't ought to be co-mingle-tating with our kind.

Now hang on just a second. Now, I know these squid look stupid and smell bad and we hate

'em, but they're not dumb beasts. Whoo!

Granny: Yay! There you go. I mean, they're not smart, by

any stretch, either, but with some training and education, well, one day they could learn

to pump our gas or maybe even work a paintbrush. It's free to throw the old

one, because I don't love her no more. Granny: It's free to throw

you! It's free to throw you, bitch!

I'll wring your neck! All right! Quiet! There ain't gonna be no

sub-snatching, green-skinned freaks in dougal county schools! No, sir!

Not on my watch! Sheriff: Turns out, his watch wasn't very long.

He came down with the lung cancer, and conventional medicine just really couldn't do

much for him. [ Wheezes ] I hear that y'all squids can

suck the cancer clean out of a man. That's very true.

Come on in here and take your clothes off. [ Groaning ]

All right, there you go. I think we got it all. That's it?

I'm cured? You in full omission. Praise God in heaven above!

I'll tell you, the things I said about y'all almost makes me feel bad in some way.

> Early: So I get to go to the human school now? No, no, no.

God, no. My kids go to that school. How about us take a quarter

and call it even? Will you take it in nickels? We take nickels, yeah.

Oh! [ Laughing ] I got a new lease on life!

[ Laughs ] Sheriff: The chairman died two days later of lung cancer.

But daddy, he went ahead and forged the chairman's signature on the document that said you

could attend school. Sheriff: As long as I'll live, I'll never forget the

sight on that historic day. Sheriff: Blacks and whites working in unity to hate you and

keep you out of their school. Granny: Don't let him in! Go back to Atlantis, you

squishy sub-snatcher! You ready to make history?

Have a good day at school now. Sheriff: Daddy put it all on the line for you that day...

And you made him look pretty damn stupid when you up and quit 10 minutes later.

Early: Hell with that mess! Early, where the hell you goin'?!

Get your ass back here! Early: But wasn't it the great Abraham Lincoln who said,

"beware of schools. They run by Jews"? Sheriff: Well, Early, he said

it, but you're taking his most famous words out of context. Early: Sheriff, look at that

shiny truck I got. Now smell my finger. Sheriff: [ Sniffs ]

Early: [ Chuckles ] I've had success in this life. I don't need no damn state

schools to tell me how to make it happen for me and mine. Sheriff: Well, be that as it

may, we're dedicating that statue tomorrow afternoon. And I sure hope you'll be...

There. [ Clears throat ] My daddy had a dream -- a bold

dream. But when nascar told him they weren't going to have

cheerleaders, especially not male ones, he put that dream to bed and moved here to

dougal county to become a lawman, and he saw to it that not just men of all colors could

go to school but animals, too. Creatures of the sea. We now know this to be a

mistake. Guess we just weren't ready back then.

Was daddy too progressive for his time? Maybe.

But he stood up to injustice. When someone in power tried to stop him, he would pretend to

agree with them, then wait for them to die, and find a way to work around them.

[ Applause ] And if the inspiration for this statue was here today --

Early: I am here today. Sheriff: Actually, Early, I was talkin' about my daddy --

Early: I have some words. [ Clears throat ] 40 years ago, the sheriff's

daddy went to great lengths to give me the chance to quit school.

And because of my selfless, heroic actions on that day, my son was also able to quit

school. And someday, his illegitimate son, born out of wedlock, will

also have the opportunity to quit this very same government school.

School sucks! [ Crowd gasps ] Sheriff: What in the hell?

Granny: Sorry. We had to melt down your daddy to give Early the upper body mass he

requested. Early: This is how I would've looked had I exercised the way I

had fully intended to. I am a many muscled man!