All language subtitles for Squidbillies.S09E05_English

[ Static ]
[ Music plays ]
My dreams are all dead and

buried
sometimes I wish the sun would
just explode

when God comes and calls me to
his kingdom
I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go
let her blow
Rusty: My turn.

Early: Hell no.
Rusty: Man, let me drive that
thing!

Early: Do not touch the trim!

Early: Check it out, Glenn.
I'm gettin' me a
state-of-the-art doomsday

when them chinamans come here to
take their moneys back -- huh --
I ain't a-gettin' caught with my

pants down.
Hell no.
Only way I'm a-listenin' to that

mandarin gobbledygook is through
a 3-foot-thick steel door.
Are you prepared, Glenn?

Huh? Are ya?
Yeah, I'm prepared --
to die.

Life is just a pointless
corn maze for me.

Early: Well, just don't go
doin' no murder/suicide thang

with that purty wife of yourn.
She's got herself a way out once

she cuts away from that boat
anchor.

Say that.
Hell, she'll know what I mean.

You mean that I'm the boat
anchor.

Early: Your words, Glenn --
not mine.
Don't beat yourself up about it.

Well, what do you think?
Rusty: Oh, my God!
You bought us a time-share down

in myrtle beach!
Granny: [ Groans ]
You know, I would've waxed my

landin' strip if I knew we was
walkin' to myrtle beach.
Early: It ain't myrtle beach,

damn it.
Hell, don't you listen to talk
radio all day, every day?

Them chinamens has got
satellites up there in the sky
space, a-firin' down the pig-flu

virus at us!
So we gonna hole up right here.
Hell yeah.

We got enough supplies to get us
through the whole damn next
millennium.

Granny: One can of apricot
pie fillin'.
Rusty: And 12 half gallons of

Tennessee's second-finest
discount sippin' whiskey?
Early: That's right.

What the...?
Aw, hell!
I've exhausted my damn survival

rations!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Aaaaah!

Aah!
Damn you, Friday night!
Rusty: I call this bed.

Early: The bed is mine!
Granny: Well, it ain't good
for my hips, but I can always

sleep on the floor.
Early: That's fine, but who's
oxygen do you think you gonna

breathe?
I mean, how the hell am I gonna
rev up my motor engine down here

if you're breathin' up all the
damn oxygen?
Rusty: Whoa!

How'd you get your truck down
here?
Early: They built the shelter

around it, Einstein.
Think!
Granny: So, uh, you're just

gonna drive it back and forth in
here, or...
Early: No, Einstein.

I'm gonna take it apart, piece
by piece, and rebuild the
sumbitch outside, Einstein.

Think!
It's time again for our
quarterly food drive for that

one local family that just can't
seem to get it together.
[ Chuckles ]

So anything you could spare
would be greatly appreciated.
Early: Well, not just

anything.
I mean, come on, now.
Granny: Go on.

Give him the list.
Well, we're just asking for
essential items -- you know,

warm clothing, canned goods...
An ar-15 combat rifle with
red-dot scope and extended clip.

Early: Keep goin'.
There's more.
A 4,000-gallon elevated tank

of distilled water.
Early: Uh-huh, yeah.
300 live hogs.

Granny: Amen!
Solar-powered refrigeration
units to hold 300 butchered

hogs.
Early: Mm-hmm.
And an assload more pie

filling.
Granny: Eh, the apricot was
okay.

But we're open to other flavors.
Early: And no glutens,
neither.

I think them glutens is the
reason I go crazy sometime and
my mind blanks.

So please -- no glutens.

Early: Water chestnuts?!
Granny: And one black
banana?!

Early: Is this a joke?
No kevlar vest, no hollow-point
armor-piercin' rounds, no

night-vision goggles!
Not a damn thing I asked for!
Well, they do say "God helps

those who help themselves."
Early: Well, God can help his
own self, then.

[ Muffled ] 'Cause I ain't
helpin' myself to none of this
mess!

Granny: I may make some
bok choy.
I don't know.

But I'm not happy about this.
Early: We get any Mexican
drug cartels invadin' while we

was at the church?
What you gettin' on the
shortwave?

[ Polka music plays]
Granny: Oh, hell, she ain't
goin' underground with you 'less

you fill that bunker up with
sizzurp.
Early: Oh, here comes the

pitch.
"Wah, wah.
Let me in the damn bunker.

I wanna live, too."
Granny: I'm just sayin' --
there's one of us can drink her

purple drink socially and not
have it affect her performance.
Early: Oh, so you can handle

yourself in a survival
situation.
Is that what you sayin'?

Granny: I'm real useful.
I tell weird stories that are
long, and I gossip about stuff I

don't know nothin' about.
I'm good at stuff!

Early: Boom! Eruption!
Volcanic ash from yellowstone
fills the sky!

Granny: Ow! Ohh...
Early: You best assemble your
firearm.

Rusty: Damn, granny.
Granny: How you like me now?
Early: Well, uh...

The north Koreans is
air-droppin' in all around us.
You got to go hand-to-hand now.

Just what do you --
unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!
Granny: [ Gasps ]

Did I land one?
'Cause somethin' felt good.
Early: Bip!

[ Breathing heavily ]
Meteorite!
It was the French all along.

[ Siren wails, car door closes ]
Sheriff: Hey, y'all.
Granny all right?

Early: She's fine.
We just playin'.

Sheriff: [ Laughs ]
Yeah. I get it.
Here. I made y'all some cobbler.

Early: I'm just gonna go
ahead and carbo-load now.
Sheriff: Well, I know y'all

gonna need that sugar rush for
the zombie-event thing or...
Whatever you're preppin' for

here.
Early: Them bean counters in
Washington [Chomps] done messed

up the bean count.
[ Chomps ]
hell, they done gave away the

whole bean store.
[ Chomps ]
damn D.C. fat cats can't even

balance a basic bean book.
Sheriff: Early, uh, you
remember how you financed your

bunker here?
Early: Hell yeah -- 90 days
same as cash.

Sheriff: Oh, that's 9 days.
Early: Huh?

Sheriff: See? Read this.
"9.0 days same as cash."
Early: Well, when did I buy

it?
Sheriff: Oh, couple months
ago.

Early: I figured the globe
was gonna blow up before the
first payment come in.

I mean, it ain't my damn fault
them arabs can't enrich uranium
overnight.

Sheriff: Listen, Early, they
want me to seize your land
tomorrow mornin' -- unless you

can somehow cough up that first
payment.
Early: Well, I'm gonna march

down to that bank and make them
re-fi my re-fi -- right now!
Where's my sumbitchin' truck at?

Damn it!
Get my Ratchet set.
Get it! Get it! Get it, boy!

I'm gonna drop it!
Rusty: Daddy, it ain't gonna
fit!

Early: Turn it sideways!
Come on!
Rusty: It ain't fittin' that

way, either, daddy!
Early: Aaah!
Hunh!

Ungh!
Damn Europeans and they metrics.
This was they plan all along.

Rusty: Daddy, maybe we oughta
just pack up our stuff and go
find us a motel.

Early: No.
The banks can't be seizin' this
bunker, 'cause I'm gonna make it

so where all the damn banks
collapse overnight.
There ain't gonna be no more

banks, nor nations, nor society.
And I'm about to make that
happen right now.

It's on, baby!
Phase 1 -- poison the water
supply.

Rusty: All right.
[ Both grunting ]
Early: Brush your teeth on my

ass ink, dougal county!

Rusty: Oh!

Damn, granny.
Granny: It's large.
It's always been large.

Early: Phase 2 -- flood the
market with excess cash
reserves.

Free money! Get you some!
It's worthless!
[ Bells jingle ]

Uh, could you make me some
change for this here bony-fide,
certified dollar bill that's

backed up by the American
government?
This here ain't worth a damn,

Early.
Early: You see that, Rusty?
It's already begun.

And phase 3 -- we gonna release
all these toxic chemicals and
cause a worldwide panic.

Rusty: Ain't this like
domestic terrorism?
Early: I ain't a-doin'

nothin' old putin wouldn't do.
He just ain't got the balls.
[ Laughs ]

A railcar full of snakes
bound for snake world in
bradenton, Florida, was

mysteriously breached last
night, releasing thousands of
sidewinding swamp constrictors

into rural dougal county.
These highly venomous snakes
are very aggressive and breed

quickly.
Local law enforcement assures
us that the situation is under

control.
The situation is under
control.

But also, please cut a hole in
this thing so I can breathe!
Help! Help!

There are no suspects yet,
but all evidence seems to...
Early: [ Laughs ]

That's right! Comrade putin!
Oh, the missiles is gonna fly

now.
Rusty: Damn, daddy.
These damn snakes are

everywhere.
Early: It's zero hour.
Grab your bug out bag and get

back to the bunker.
Wait. I got to send a text.

You know I have no control
over this, right?
Well, maybe dress a little

less sexy.
He says you're throwin' it out
there.

Granny: I promise I'll work
hard, and I'll only breathe half
breaths of air.

You can have all these water
chestnuts, if you want.
I'll just eat the label.

That's fine with me.
Early: Granny, you know I
love you.

And I appreciate everything you
done for me -- birthin' me and
raisin' me.

But enough is enough, you know
what I mean?
Granny: Well, what's that

mean?
Early: It means the numbers
just don't add up.

Granny: Hey!
Early: But we sure gonna miss
that smilin' face of yours.

Granny: Wait! No!
Early: Come on.
Give me a smile.

Rusty: I'm sorry, daddy, but
if shgoes, i go.
Early: [ Sighs ]

All right, fine.
Both of y'all get the hell out
of here!

Sheriff: Hey, there, buddy.
Early: Sorry, sheriff.
I don't know what to tell you.

We all full up here --
sheriff: No!
Here's how this is gonna go.

If you like havin' a [Crackle]
brain in your head, open that
goddamn door, mother[Crackle]

Close it, Early! Now!
I'm super-, super-afraid of
snakes!

Help!

Ain't there a window here?
I-I can't breathe.
Where's the window?

All right, partner, this is how
this is gonna go.
Y-- if you like havin' that face

on your head, you open that
[Drip] door and you let me out
now!

I-I just need a breath of fresh
air.
I need to s-smoke.

I-I think if I can just --
Early: 3-feet-thick solid
steel.

Nobody gets in, and nobody gets
out.
Rusty: Yeah, but then how we

gonna get these snakes out?
Early: Snakes?!
How them snakes gettin' in

here?!
Rusty: Well, looks like they
gettin' in through the glory

hole.
Early: Who the hell cut a
glory hole in my bunker?!

Granny: Look, I need the "d"!
How else am I gonna get the "d"?

Early: They comin' faster
than I can handle!
Granny: Welcome to my world.

Rusty: What are you doin',
daddy?
Early: I'm gonna put my

pecker in this hole.
Rusty: Yeah, stick it in
there and block them snakes.

Early: Yeah, I-it'll do that,
too, I'm sure.
Uh, this hole works both ways,

right?
Granny: Mm-nh-mm.
You know, I never tried it from

the other direction.
You want me to go outside and
find out?

Early: Yeah.
Yeah, go ahead and find out.
I'll be right here.

[ Door opens ]
[ Squish ]
Ooh, yeah. There we go.

Granny: It works!