Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Music plays ] My dreams are all dead and

buried sometimes I wish the sun would just explode

when God comes and calls me to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go let her blow Rusty: My turn.

Early: Hell no. Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing!

Early: Do not touch the trim!

Early: Check it out, Glenn. I'm gettin' me a state-of-the-art doomsday

when them chinamans come here to take their moneys back -- huh -- I ain't a-gettin' caught with my

pants down. Hell no. Only way I'm a-listenin' to that

mandarin gobbledygook is through a 3-foot-thick steel door. Are you prepared, Glenn?

Huh? Are ya? Yeah, I'm prepared -- to die.

Life is just a pointless corn maze for me.

Early: Well, just don't go doin' no murder/suicide thang

with that purty wife of yourn. She's got herself a way out once

she cuts away from that boat anchor.

Say that. Hell, she'll know what I mean.

You mean that I'm the boat anchor.

Early: Your words, Glenn -- not mine. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Well, what do you think? Rusty: Oh, my God! You bought us a time-share down

in myrtle beach! Granny: [ Groans ] You know, I would've waxed my

landin' strip if I knew we was walkin' to myrtle beach. Early: It ain't myrtle beach,

damn it. Hell, don't you listen to talk radio all day, every day?

Them chinamens has got satellites up there in the sky space, a-firin' down the pig-flu

virus at us! So we gonna hole up right here. Hell yeah.

We got enough supplies to get us through the whole damn next millennium.

Granny: One can of apricot pie fillin'. Rusty: And 12 half gallons of

Tennessee's second-finest discount sippin' whiskey? Early: That's right.

What the...? Aw, hell! I've exhausted my damn survival

rations! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaah!

Aah! Damn you, Friday night! Rusty: I call this bed.

Early: The bed is mine! Granny: Well, it ain't good for my hips, but I can always

sleep on the floor. Early: That's fine, but who's oxygen do you think you gonna

breathe? I mean, how the hell am I gonna rev up my motor engine down here

if you're breathin' up all the damn oxygen? Rusty: Whoa!

How'd you get your truck down here? Early: They built the shelter

around it, Einstein. Think! Granny: So, uh, you're just

gonna drive it back and forth in here, or... Early: No, Einstein.

I'm gonna take it apart, piece by piece, and rebuild the sumbitch outside, Einstein.

Think! It's time again for our quarterly food drive for that

one local family that just can't seem to get it together. [ Chuckles ]

So anything you could spare would be greatly appreciated. Early: Well, not just

anything. I mean, come on, now. Granny: Go on.

Give him the list. Well, we're just asking for essential items -- you know,

warm clothing, canned goods... An ar-15 combat rifle with red-dot scope and extended clip.

Early: Keep goin'. There's more. A 4,000-gallon elevated tank

of distilled water. Early: Uh-huh, yeah. 300 live hogs.

Granny: Amen! Solar-powered refrigeration units to hold 300 butchered

hogs. Early: Mm-hmm. And an assload more pie

filling. Granny: Eh, the apricot was okay.

But we're open to other flavors. Early: And no glutens, neither.

I think them glutens is the reason I go crazy sometime and my mind blanks.

So please -- no glutens.

Early: Water chestnuts?! Granny: And one black banana?!

Early: Is this a joke? No kevlar vest, no hollow-point armor-piercin' rounds, no

night-vision goggles! Not a damn thing I asked for! Well, they do say "God helps

those who help themselves." Early: Well, God can help his own self, then.

[ Muffled ] 'Cause I ain't helpin' myself to none of this mess!

Granny: I may make some bok choy. I don't know.

But I'm not happy about this. Early: We get any Mexican drug cartels invadin' while we

was at the church? What you gettin' on the shortwave?

[ Polka music plays] Granny: Oh, hell, she ain't goin' underground with you 'less

you fill that bunker up with sizzurp. Early: Oh, here comes the

pitch. "Wah, wah. Let me in the damn bunker.

I wanna live, too." Granny: I'm just sayin' -- there's one of us can drink her

purple drink socially and not have it affect her performance. Early: Oh, so you can handle

yourself in a survival situation. Is that what you sayin'?

Granny: I'm real useful. I tell weird stories that are long, and I gossip about stuff I

don't know nothin' about. I'm good at stuff!

Early: Boom! Eruption! Volcanic ash from yellowstone fills the sky!

Granny: Ow! Ohh... Early: You best assemble your firearm.

Rusty: Damn, granny. Granny: How you like me now? Early: Well, uh...

The north Koreans is air-droppin' in all around us. You got to go hand-to-hand now.

Just what do you -- unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Granny: [ Gasps ]

Did I land one? 'Cause somethin' felt good. Early: Bip!

[ Breathing heavily ] Meteorite! It was the French all along.

[ Siren wails, car door closes ] Sheriff: Hey, y'all. Granny all right?

Early: She's fine. We just playin'.

Sheriff: [ Laughs ] Yeah. I get it. Here. I made y'all some cobbler.

Early: I'm just gonna go ahead and carbo-load now. Sheriff: Well, I know y'all

gonna need that sugar rush for the zombie-event thing or... Whatever you're preppin' for

here. Early: Them bean counters in Washington [Chomps] done messed

up the bean count. [ Chomps ] hell, they done gave away the

whole bean store. [ Chomps ] damn D.C. fat cats can't even

balance a basic bean book. Sheriff: Early, uh, you remember how you financed your

bunker here? Early: Hell yeah -- 90 days same as cash.

Sheriff: Oh, that's 9 days. Early: Huh?

Sheriff: See? Read this. "9.0 days same as cash." Early: Well, when did I buy

it? Sheriff: Oh, couple months ago.

Early: I figured the globe was gonna blow up before the first payment come in.

I mean, it ain't my damn fault them arabs can't enrich uranium overnight.

Sheriff: Listen, Early, they want me to seize your land tomorrow mornin' -- unless you

can somehow cough up that first payment. Early: Well, I'm gonna march

down to that bank and make them re-fi my re-fi -- right now! Where's my sumbitchin' truck at?

Damn it! Get my Ratchet set. Get it! Get it! Get it, boy!

I'm gonna drop it! Rusty: Daddy, it ain't gonna fit!

Early: Turn it sideways! Come on! Rusty: It ain't fittin' that

way, either, daddy! Early: Aaah! Hunh!

Ungh! Damn Europeans and they metrics. This was they plan all along.

Rusty: Daddy, maybe we oughta just pack up our stuff and go find us a motel.

Early: No. The banks can't be seizin' this bunker, 'cause I'm gonna make it

so where all the damn banks collapse overnight. There ain't gonna be no more

banks, nor nations, nor society. And I'm about to make that happen right now.

It's on, baby! Phase 1 -- poison the water supply.

Rusty: All right. [ Both grunting ] Early: Brush your teeth on my

ass ink, dougal county!

Rusty: Oh!

Damn, granny. Granny: It's large. It's always been large.

Early: Phase 2 -- flood the market with excess cash reserves.

Free money! Get you some! It's worthless! [ Bells jingle ]

Uh, could you make me some change for this here bony-fide, certified dollar bill that's

backed up by the American government? This here ain't worth a damn,

Early. Early: You see that, Rusty? It's already begun.

And phase 3 -- we gonna release all these toxic chemicals and cause a worldwide panic.

Rusty: Ain't this like domestic terrorism? Early: I ain't a-doin'

nothin' old putin wouldn't do. He just ain't got the balls. [ Laughs ]

A railcar full of snakes bound for snake world in bradenton, Florida, was

mysteriously breached last night, releasing thousands of sidewinding swamp constrictors

into rural dougal county. These highly venomous snakes are very aggressive and breed

quickly. Local law enforcement assures us that the situation is under

control. The situation is under control.

But also, please cut a hole in this thing so I can breathe! Help! Help!

There are no suspects yet, but all evidence seems to... Early: [ Laughs ]

That's right! Comrade putin! Oh, the missiles is gonna fly

now. Rusty: Damn, daddy. These damn snakes are

everywhere. Early: It's zero hour. Grab your bug out bag and get

back to the bunker. Wait. I got to send a text.

You know I have no control over this, right? Well, maybe dress a little

less sexy. He says you're throwin' it out there.

Granny: I promise I'll work hard, and I'll only breathe half breaths of air.

You can have all these water chestnuts, if you want. I'll just eat the label.

That's fine with me. Early: Granny, you know I love you.

And I appreciate everything you done for me -- birthin' me and raisin' me.

But enough is enough, you know what I mean? Granny: Well, what's that

mean? Early: It means the numbers just don't add up.

Granny: Hey! Early: But we sure gonna miss that smilin' face of yours.

Granny: Wait! No! Early: Come on. Give me a smile.

Rusty: I'm sorry, daddy, but if shgoes, i go. Early: [ Sighs ]

All right, fine. Both of y'all get the hell out of here!

Sheriff: Hey, there, buddy. Early: Sorry, sheriff. I don't know what to tell you.

We all full up here -- sheriff: No! Here's how this is gonna go.

If you like havin' a [Crackle] brain in your head, open that goddamn door, mother[Crackle]

Close it, Early! Now! I'm super-, super-afraid of snakes!

Help!

Ain't there a window here? I-I can't breathe. Where's the window?

All right, partner, this is how this is gonna go. Y-- if you like havin' that face

on your head, you open that [Drip] door and you let me out now!

I-I just need a breath of fresh air. I need to s-smoke.

I-I think if I can just -- Early: 3-feet-thick solid steel.

Nobody gets in, and nobody gets out. Rusty: Yeah, but then how we

gonna get these snakes out? Early: Snakes?! How them snakes gettin' in

here?! Rusty: Well, looks like they gettin' in through the glory

hole. Early: Who the hell cut a glory hole in my bunker?!

Granny: Look, I need the "d"! How else am I gonna get the "d"?

Early: They comin' faster than I can handle! Granny: Welcome to my world.

Rusty: What are you doin', daddy? Early: I'm gonna put my

pecker in this hole. Rusty: Yeah, stick it in there and block them snakes.

Early: Yeah, I-it'll do that, too, I'm sure. Uh, this hole works both ways,

right? Granny: Mm-nh-mm. You know, I never tried it from

the other direction. You want me to go outside and find out?

Early: Yeah. Yeah, go ahead and find out. I'll be right here.

[ Door opens ] [ Squish ] Ooh, yeah. There we go.

Granny: It works!