Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Country music plays ] unh

my dreams are all dead and buried sometimes I wish the sun

would just explode when God calls and calls me to his kingdom

I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ow!

Rusty: My turn. Early: Hell no. Rusty: Hey, man, let me drive

that thing! Come on! Early: Do not touch the trim!

[ Bell rings ] Rusty: There you go, sir! Thank you much!

[ Car horn honks ] Hey, Rusty! Say hey to your daddy, Randy.

Rusty: There's my guy. What's up, hoss? [ Cooing ]

All right, here you go. Now, here's June and July, and I guess that catches us up.

Here's a little extra. Now, that's for you. Get mama to go buy you a onesie

in town. Be sure to rip them sleeves off. Ba-bam!

Ba-bam! [ Bell rings ] Thank you for this, Rusty.

We sure appreciate you. Rusty: I appreciate you, too, tammi -- how fine you lookin'.

I'd appreciate the hell out of you right now if you'd let me. Yeah, I get it, Rusty.

Rusty: I know, I know -- baby steps. [ Coos ]

Rusty: But I'm gonna earn you back! You'll see!

'Cause I'm a man! Ba-bam! Ba-bam! Early: Where the hell you

been?! Granny: Yeah, you all running out in the morning, saying you's

going to work and then coming home all tired eight hours later, talking about how you's

at work! Rusty: 'Cause I was at work. Granny: Here he goes!

Early: You ain't been at work 'cause my boy ain't gonna work!

You know how damn hard I work trying not to work just to have you work?!

Rusty: I done told y'all 20 times, I'm workin' at the car wash, making me some damn money.

Early: M-money? Granny: Money?! Early: Money! Hell yeah!

Granny: We made it! Early: Somebody in this family done made some damn

money! Granny: Give up the money! Rusty: I already gave away

the money. Granny: You what?! Rusty: I told ya, every dime

I make goes to child support. Early: Cuyler money -- in tammi's hands?!

Granny: That gold-digging whore! Rusty: I also just had to pay

for his shots. Granny: You're spoiling that baby by giving him

immunizations! A child needs to know what rickets feel like!

Early: If that child's even yours. Rusty: What the hell you mean

by that? Early: That baby ain't got no squid blood in him!

Granny: I want to love it, but I don't trust it with that cream-cheesy damn skin!

I'm sorry -- I said it! Rusty: Y'all cut it out. Of course Randy's...Mine.

Early: Count how many legs he's got. Has he got eight, like us?

Rusty: One... Two... Oh, my God, you're right!

He's only got two legs! Early: Like a two-legged, two-armed, 10-fingered freak

show! Granny: Tammi done spread her legs in the dirt for some human

man, and that's what come out! Rusty: Uh, that ain't true! Tammi wouldn't do that!

Granny: She's probably out painting the town red right now with some new fella, and you're

the one who bought 'em all the paint! You get anything you want --

salad, soft-serve, unlimited crescent rolls. This is your night.

Well, thank you, Denny. That's real sweet. Now, lift me up, see

what kind of jello they got. Yeah. Now, don't be a wallflower.

Tell me something interesting about you. Well, I'm taking college

classes online -- this here hand only got three fingers.

That's interesting. I come out of the womb with this mustache, too.

Pretty interesting. I'm way into jello. I bet that's how we found each

other on the dougal doubles on account of we both like jello so damn much.

Yeah. And also 'cause there's not a whole lot of profiles on that

dougal county dating site. It's like the Internet decided that we was destined to

be together. [ Laughs ] Please don't throw jello at

me. I'm just playin'. Pass me them crayons.

I think I'm gonna draw me a pontoon boat. [ Cicadas chirping ]

Early: Now, you just march your ass up there and snatch that young'ern and test his

molecules in the computer 'cause if he ain't yours, then you ain't got to pay no-damn-body.

Rusty: I can't believe she was running around on me this whole time.

Early: Hey, I know. Not to be sexualist, but you can't trust a damn stupid-ass

bitch whore farther than you can throw her! And I know 'cause I throw me

some womans all the time. Skinny womans will travel farther.

It's a bone-density thing. You know, it's science. Now, you just ring that

doorbell and repeat after me. [ Buzzers sounds ] Hey, Rusty, um...

It's -- it's late. Is there something wrong? Early: Ignore the hell out of

her. Drives her crazy, gets them loins moist.

Rusty: Ignore the hell out of her. Drives her crazy, gets her loins

moist. Early: No, don't repeat what I say!

Oh, hell! Just get your ass inside! Tell her!

Rusty: But you said not to repeat what I say. Early: Now I'm saying

different! Don't do what I said! Say what I do!

Go on now! Get your ass inside and come back out!

Rusty, what do you want? Rusty: Go your ass inside, then come back out.

Early: Don't you talk to her now. Rusty: When can I talk?

O-kay, I'm gonna go back inside now. Rusty: Okay, but then get

your ass back out here! Early: It worked! Rusty: Yeah!

Early: Man, you got her on her heels! Now, you ring that bell again

and close the deal! [ Buzzer sounds ] What the hell do you want,

Rusty?! Early: Evening tammi. Rusty: Evening tammi.

Early: What are you doing on this fine-ass night? Rusty: What are you doing on

this fine-ass night? Rusty... Early: I know you're

lonely without a man in your life. Rusty: I know you're lonely

without a man in your life. Early: But I know somebody who could put some hard Georgia

pine in your wood chipper. Rusty: But I know somebody who could put some hard Georgia

pine in your wood chipper. Early: You know my daddy, Early, over there in the bushes?

Rusty: You know my daddy, Early, over there in the bushes? Early: Evening, tammi!

Get over there and put your tongue in his ear. Rusty: Now, go over there and

put your tongue in my daddy's -- daddy, what the hell's going on here?

Where are we going with this? Early: Let her do it, son. The heart wants what it wants.

Y'all are both pathetic! Is there a problem here, babe?

[ Dramatic music playing ] Rusty: You on a date -- with little Denny?!

Whoa, now, that's deputy little Denny to you, cuyler.

Rusty: I don't want this sawed-off, jello-breath twerp around my son!

Oh, you got a problem with jello now? Rusty: Let me hold my

young'un! It is late, Rusty. Now, I think you need to be

going on. Rusty: Damn straight I do! And I'll be taking Randy with

me! Rusty, no! My boy! Do something, Denny!

I, uh, officer in pursuit, officer in pursuit! My baby!

Early: You get on back here and start licking on this ear like you promised, you damn

teasy bitch! Rusty, come on out now, and we won't press charges!

[ Static ] H.Q., this is officer Denny at morning glory trailer park

requesting backup. Randy! Sheriff: 10-4.

Uh, you gonna be on shift, uh, till breakfast time? [ Both laugh ]

Guarding tammi's bedroom? Did you French that thing, or did you graze booby?

Damn it -- over! [ Static ] It was too high.

I couldn't get to it. I started massaging her ankle to try to, you know, get her in the

mood. Sheriff: Uh, I told you, Denny, it's boobs and butt.

That's what they want touched. They're both filled with Milk -- I think.

[ Static ] Y'all can gossip later! Rusty has run off with my boy,

and it's y'all's job to go find him! [ Static ]

Sheriff: Easy now, tammi. I-I know you're upset, but Rusty's the boy's daddy.

I mean, it's probably a lot on his mind and all, catching y'all in the act.

Uh, uh, I'm not saying you touched booby, but -- mind your own damn business

and find my boy! Randy! Where are you now?! It's mama!

Come on! [ Telephone ringing ] Rusty: Oh, hell, do I got to

pay for both the "d" and the "a"? Can't I just do one?

Early: Why, this little young'ern ain't even got no squid suckers on his hands.

I'll save you some money. Just chunk him at the wall and see if he sticks!

Rusty: No, no, daddy! Stop it! That ain't no scientific test!

Now, come on, son, uh, just fart here in that slot now. They'll test it with a computer.

Now, you listen to me, and you listen close, you redheaded son of a bitch!

I'm coming, and I've brought hell with me, and I'm gonna dump hell on your...Ass.

[ Sputters ] Do some cuss words. When you see Rusty, it's

important that you use the cuss words. [ Static ]

Sheriff: I got you, little buddy. [ Static ]

Early, you can hear that Denny's damn near out of his mind with rage.

Early: I say dump the kid in a river, throw Rusty in jail, fire that runt, and bring that

bitch here to me! Sheriff: [ Chuckles ] Boy, if it was only that easy,

Early. Early: It is. Do it.

Sheriff: [ Sighs ] [ Chuckles ] You're funny, Early.

[ Birds chirping ] Seriously? Ba-bam!

Rusty: Shh, shh, shh! [ Chirping continues ] Sheriff: You know, Early,

wherever Rusty is, I know he don't mean no harm and he only wants the best for the boy, but

I hope he knows that he's not the primary caregiver. Early: Well, what if he ain't

the primary sperm-giver neither? [ Laughing ] Aha! Looky what the mailman just give

me! Sheriff: Well [Clears throat] it ain't always genetics that

determines whether somebody can be a good parent. Early: Ha, you preaching to

the choir now! Oh, yeah, that's how my ass got tricked and tripped up.

Granny: Same here! Just 'cause this one come falling out of my innards, now I

got to do all that other stuff?! Early: Hell, I don't even know why he's up in this boat!

Sheriff: [ Clears throat ] Well, if you just happen to see Rusty --

granny: Yeah, he's in the boat! Sheriff: Thank you, thank

you, granny. Damn it. Tell Rusty, if you see him, that

we'll go easy on him if he brings the boy in. [ Coos ]

Sheriff: But he ain't gonna like it much if Denny calls in the s.W.A.T. Team.

Rusty: This my boy! Y'all go to hell! Early: Oh, the sun went out!

Sheriff: Officer down! Help! Rusty: [ Grunting ] [ Cooing ]

Sheriff: Rusty, don't do nothing rash now! Just relax!

Rusty: Y'all can't do nothing to me now! This is international waters!

Sheriff: Uh, yep. [ Sighs ] He's more than 4 feet off the shore.

Also, I-I can't swim, so... Early: Well, once I read these here DNA results, Rusty

ain't gonna have to pay another dime for no chalky baby! Rusty: Hey, listen, y'all.

I don't give a damn what that DNA test says! Ain't no piece of paper gonna

convince me not to love this boy, even if he is a two-footed freak!

I love Randy! I love him, and I'm as much a daddy as he ever had!

Sheriff: Rusty? Rusty: And we gonna be together forever!

Sheriff: Rusty, the baby! [ Water splashes ] Randy!

Rusty: Oh, my God, Randy! Early: Problem solved! [ Laughs ]

Rusty: Randy, Randy! Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn it!

Oh, my God, Randy's a half squid! Check it out, y'all!

Look at him! He imy boy! I told you he was yours!

If you ever changed a damn diaper, you would know 'cause you would see it's like a

thousand fountain pens exploded in his little crotch! Rusty: I ain't gonna touch no

damn diaper! I'm a man! You haven't changed his

diaper the whole time you've had him?! Rusty: I look like I'm

wearin' a lady dress?! Early: Hey, if you was my girl, we wouldn't be having

these fights 'cause you'd be doin' as you was told! Tell your daddy to shut up!

Rusty: Oh, I see! You're on the rag! What the hell?!

Rusty: Talk to me on Tuesday when it's over. Early: Now, come on ashore

and suck on my toes before I get pissed! Dream on, cuyler.

The only toes she's suckin' tonight are the three... Weird-shaped ones on this foot.

Agh! Agh! Agh! Early: I stalked her first! She's mine!

Agh! Don't! Early: She just don't know it yet!

You're under arrest! Sheriff: See? Things just have a way of

working out. When I say "under arrest," you've got to do it!

Ow, stop punching me! Sheriff: You take it from me here, Denny.

Ooh, this was made in Georgia, baby!