Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Country music plays ] my dreams are all dead and

buried wish the sun would just explode

when God calls me to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go all you sons of bitches when I go

Rusty: My turn. Early: Hell no. Rusty: Man, let me drive that

thing! Early: Do not touch the trim!

Okay. So now I'm gonna need you to drop your pants and... Dan Halen: Pants?

What do you think I am? Some sort of hobo? [ Laughing ]

Pants! The very idea. So, how's it hangin'?

Well, you know, pretty good. Uh, been traveling a lot for my son's, uh, soccer --

Dan Halen: No! How is it hanging? Below!

Actually, uh, I do feel something hard here on the dermal region.

Dan Halen: You mean the skin? You're not impressing anyone here.

How many times a week do you attach glow sticks to your balls?

Dan Halen: I haven't raved like that in years. Hmm.

Is there any other way you might have exposed your crotch-saddle to intense, prolonged radiation?

[ Motor whirring ] Dan Halen: Ol' taint Nick says "taint the season to be

getting a holiday bonus!" Get it? Because I'm sending out pictures

of my taint! Oh, man. Dan Halen: Boom!

You got "tainted", Glenn! [ Laughing ] Cancer.

Yep. Terminal, inoperable taint cancer.

Dan Halen: Why wasn't this caught earlier? What do I pay all these nurses

for? Oh, those are strippers... In nurses' outfits.

Because, uh, you didn't like the nurses' lips. Dan Halen: They weren't pouty

enough! [ Wind blowing ] So many conflicting emotions

coursing through me right now. Fury... Anger...

Fury mixed with anger -- franger. And then, suddenly, out of

nowhere, I'll get flashes of hatred and rage! Early: Damn, Dan.

Any fool knows to protect their taint! That's your damn weakest spot,

hoss! Just do like I do -- walk low to the ground.

Early, don't -- Early: Them splinters and pebbles'll tough up that saddle

skin. Uh, we'll just put a throw rug on it.

Dan Halen: No. Who cares? It's just one more room full of pointless crap.

You son of a cock of a whore of a chair! Early: Yeah! Yeah!

Let me throw one! Come on! Let me have it! Yeah!

[ Woman screaming ] Now let's get this here piano! No, wait!

Look, there's got to be a more constructive way to channel these emotions.

[ Piano crashing ] You could use all your wealth to maybe find a cure.

Dan Halen: You really think I could eradicate taint cancer in our lifetime?

Well... Not your lifetime. Dan Halen: Where are you

going with that? Early: I ain't got nothing. Yeah, you do.

Early: Nuh-unh. I ain't got a damn thing. Dan Halen: Yes, you do!

Early: Aw, come on, now! You said this was all pointless crap.

But I guess, if it gives you some kind of fleeting joy, then -- [ Grunts ] -- Here's

your damn measly rhino head back. Take it!

Dan Halen: No, you're right. You're right. [ Crashing ]

From now on, I'm giving back to the community. [ Children shouting, talking ]

Hello, kids, I'm Dan Halen, Dean of the screamin' teen tween screen scene.

We all know it's fun to lay on our backs, twerking our taints spread eagle toward the sun, but

I'm a living example that such choices will come back to haunt you.

[ Crowd gasps ] Dan Halen: [ Chuckles ] Hey, look, gang!

It's my old friend Tommy taint! [ Feedback ] Sheriff: Uh, Mr. Halen, I-I

don't feel like this is -- Dan Halen: Get your styrofoam ass and balls out here!

Sheriff: Uh, h-hey, kids. I'm Tommy taint. I'm the space between your, uh,

jingaling and your hoo-hoo. [ Footsteps departing ] Now, hold up.

Now don't run off. Sure, private parts may be a little scary.

But you know what's even worse? Cancer. [ Air hissing ]

Uh-oh. It's Cody cancer. Oh, no.

It's Cody cancer. Dan Halen: Get out there and show them what I have to deal

with.

Early: What I do? Sheriff: Don't worry, y'all. Sunscreen's like a magic force

field against cancer. Early: Aah! My damn eyes! Sheriff: He can't hurt me at

all. Early: You son of a bitch! You about to die!

Sheriff: This is not the message we're trying to convey here!

Early: That's the big "c" right there! Sheriff: Ow!

Kids, always remember -- cancer is mean, so screen your tween! Early: That's right.

Protect your taint... Sheriff: Ow! Early: ...Before you can't!

Dan Halen: Hey, look! It's the Dan Halen screamin' teen tween screen machine!

Let's all head outside to have a stranger scrutinize the fold between our nethers -- for free!

Sheriff: That's right. Put the dye pack between your butt cheeks, just like this.

I'm sorry. We can't have second-graders doing this.

Dan Halen: But everyone gets a free taint cancer awareness magnet.

Come on, kids. Dan Halen: It's fun for them! In a show of appreciation for

all your charity towards fixing that disease that you are the only person that has, I'm here

to present you with -- Dan Halen: Thanks you for the cardboard nothing to nothing.

[Bleep] This. I'm done with giving back to the community.

They need to be giving back to me! [ Engine turns over ]

I'm the one dying here! Sheriff: [ Sighs ] Why is this taking so long?

Is it because I got a big taint? [ Laughing ] Dan Halen: I don't want to

die. Well, the lord never sends you more than you can handle,

until, of course, the one day when he does. Heh.

Dan Halen: All this money, and I can't buy the one thing I want -- to live forever and

never die. Oh, but you can live forever, friend -- in God's house.

Now rise into a life with jeeesus! Dan Halen: Do you have a dry

baptism process? I have a highly water-soluble collection of fragile post-war

Hitler memorabilia? Uh, well, you know what they say -- you can't take it with

you. Dan Halen: Why the hell not? It's my stuff. I want it!

The ancient pharaohs of Egypt wanted their "stuff," too. Oh, they built great pyramids

full of treasures. Thousands died in their vainglorious folly, and --

Mr. Halen? Dan Halen: Faster! Osiris demands it!

I'm taking it with me! Every last bit! Granny: [ Grunting ]

Dan Halen: Slave, that's not a bean bag! It's one of only three white

tigers in the known world! It goes back up there with the other two!

[ Forklift beeping, horn honks ] Early: Where's this forklift go?

Dan Halen: Uh, that goes over with the other loading equipment.

Granny: Wait! Wait a minute! I could use that! Sheriff: Go on, now, granny.

Hyah. Hyah. Dan Halen: No! You must whip the confusion out

of her! Granny: Ow! Ow! Son of a -- sheriff: Mr. Halen, uh, not

to be a buzzkill but all this whipping and chaining, it just don't feel right.

Dan Halen: Fine. Deny a dying man the historically accurate burial his

recently adopted religion asks for. Sheriff: Shoot. I'm sorry.

I-I-I'm just so insensitive. Hyah! Hyah! Granny: Aah! Aah!

Sheriff: Come on, granny. Scream for Mr. Halen. His final wish is to see you

suffer. Granny: If you're gonna whip me, at least aim for my ass.

Ooh! Oh, there you go! Yeah!

Sheriff: Hyah! Granny: Yeah, you found the sweet spo-- aah! Ahh!

[ Laughs ] Oh! [ Rumbling, workers screaming ]

Dan Halen: Calm down, everyone! Calm down.

The pyramid is sealed now. Those of you looking for the exits, you can sit down and

relax, because there aren't any. [ Workers gasp ] sheriff: Ah, well, fire

marshal might have something to say about that, y'all. Dan Halen: Oh, no, no, no.

There's not enough oxygen in here to support a fire. Granny: But don't we need

that stuff to breathe and stuff? Dan Halen: Yes, you would need "that stuff" to breathe, if

our aim was to live. But, you see, you and I will take a journey across the river

on a boat, with the sun God, ra. And we're going to meet a woman with a dog face.

And they're going to weigh our hearts! Early: Whoo-hoo!

We going to gatlinburg, baby! Granny: Yay! Dollywood! Early: That's right! Whoo!

Dan Halen: You all have Dan Halen gift bags for the afterlife.

Inside them, you should find jars of food, tweezers to pick your brains out through your

nose, and a bag of sand to insert into your throat and nasal cavities.

Then just, you know, chill out.

Granny: So, we are going to gatlinburg, right? Early: Yeah.

As I understand it, yes. Sheriff: [ Gagging ] Look! [ Chuckles ]

Hey, y'all, I got the whole thing.

[ Cellphone ringing ] [ Beeps ] Dan Halen: Hello?

Seriously? G-give me five. Oh, praise osiris!

I mean, [Bleep] Osiris. Let me see. Oh, she's a beaut.

It's a little weathered -- it's seen better days -- but, hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Dan Halen: Where'd you find it? Oh, she won't know.

She's fine. Dan Halen: Ha ha! The card will read "taint keep

a good man down." Gather everybody so they can all see.

Oh... Right. [ Flies buzzing ]

Early: Gatlinburg is funner than hell! That's right!

Granny: I love gatlinburg! Early: Gatlinburg's fun. Will someone please tell them

it's not gatlinburg? Sheriff: Uh, this ain't even earth no more, Early.

We're on the river styx. Granny: So, this ain't the tea cup ride in gatlinburg?

Early: Are we in gatlinburg, or we, uh, gettin' near gatlinburg?

Sheriff: Oh, hell. We're taking on water. Granny: Well, don't drink it

unless you want the runs. And don't shake his hand, 'cause that's the one they wipe their

ass with. Who's "they"? Granny: Oh, y-you know...

Not to be racist, but -- yeah, that's exactly what racists say when they're about

to be racist. Granny: Well, I... I just need to feel superior,

you know?