Original subtitles

[ Static, radio tuning ] [ Country music plays ] all my dreams are dead and

buried sometimes I wish the sun would just explode

when God comes and calls me up to his kingdom I'll take you sons of bitches

when I go Rusty: My turn. Early: Hell no.

Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing! Early: Do not touch the trim!

[ Machinery running ] [ Machinery beeping ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Early: [ Grunting ] Hey, Darlene. Hey, Becky.

[ Grunting ]

Hey, Becky. Hey, Darlene. [ Grunts ]

Free Greek-yogurt-covered gummy nuts, baby! Whoo!

Aaaaaaah! Ohhhhhhh! Why?! Why did this have to happen to

me?! [ Sobs ] Oh, God!

Granny: Layin' it on a little thick, aren't we? Early: I'd butter you

with a thick beatdown if I still had ol' smacky. Smacky was my bitch-whuppin'

arm. Aw, smacky! Why did you forever go and

leave my ass? Granny: Probably 'cause you were drinkin' at work again

and took your eye off the ball. Early: Oh, bitch. It's almost like I can feel ol'

smacky wrapped around your damn throat. Granny: Ooh!

But smacky's gone now, ain't he? And he ain't never comin' back.

[ Laughs evilly ] Early: Oh, God. You're right.

I'll never strangle or properly batter your ass again! Son of a bitch!

[ Sobbing ] Why?! [ Sobbing ]

[ Rooster crows ] [ Snoring ] [ Fly buzzing ]

Mm. [ Sniffing ] Mm.

Smacky? Smacky, is that you? You've come back to me!

A medical damn miracle brought on by my brown party liquor, baby!

Whoo! Rusty: Hey, daddy, your arm grew back -- like that big ol'

whitehead between my eyes! Early: Rusty, come over here and hug on me on account of

my arm. Rusty: All right. Ow! Damn, daddy!

Early: You ain't never gonna learn, boy! Ba-boom! Ba-bam! Bap!

Ol' smacky is back in the game! Whoo! Rusty: It's kinda nice

gettin' a smackdown from ol' smacky. Ow! I did miss him.

Early: Pow! Ol' smacky ain't missed your ass once.

Whap, whap! "Boom" goes the dynamite! [ Slurps ]

Early: Bap! Hey.

Early: Looky here, Glenn! Yeah! It done growed back!

I bet your flabby sausage arms can't do that, dumbass.

I'd just take the insurance benefit for the missing limb.

Early: Do what, now? You did it on the job,

right? Read your insurance packet,

bro. Lots of nuggets in there.

Dan Halen: Early cuyler, please report to my office.

[ Laughs ] I guess you're not gonna get that big settlement check.

[ Laughs ] Dumbass. Early: Yeah, I guess it is

kinda strange that it's still bleedin' a day after the accident.

But, uh... [ Chuckling ] but it ain't like it grew back and I cut it off

again just now. I mean, what the hell? That didn't happen.

Dan Halen: I didn't ask. Here. As much as it pains me to do

this, here is a check for $600 per our reluctant but government-mandated

death-and-dismemberment policy. Early: Also, uh, y'all really oughta put some guardrails on

that paper shredder, now. And you got yourself a serious osha problem with that pencil

sharpener. Dan Halen: [ Grumbles ] Early: Go on, now.

Write them checks. Whoo! I done gamed the damned system,

baby! Free cashy money! Granny: Hurray!

Early: Although, I must say, celebratin' ain't the same since I lost fist-pumpy and

back-slappy. Granny: Yeah, high-fivey ain't lookin' too hot, either.

Early: Well, as long as money-grabby got it goin' on... Rusty: Ain't you supposed

to be at work? Early: Boss man told me to take the day off -- said he

don't want me to lose no more limbs on his property. [ Sniffing ]

Rusty: Does this mean I can finally get a brace for my tooth?

Granny: And I want a crack at that fancy drive-through taco I saw that

dog talkin' about on TV. Early: Bitch, we ain't got taco money.

If you want fancy things, you get yourself your own job and cut your own arms off at your

own workplace. This here is my American dream!

This devil machine! Who the hell coulda seen this comin'?!

Aaaaaaah! [ Forklift beeping ]

Aah! Pay attention, Lyle!

Didn't you see my arm under your damn wheel?! [ Dogs barking ]

Animal attack! Unprovoked! [ Applause ] Ohh!

[ Strained ] Grand openin'! Free balloons for the kids! [ Microwave whirring ]

[ Ding ] Who put this dangerous microwave here?!

I need first aid!

Who put this dangerous first-aid cabinet here?! I need microwave here!

Got this one stuck in the bagel slicer down in the break room. Mmm.

You best put up a sign 'fore somebody gets their ass killed. [ Sighs ]

Listen, Mr. Halen wants you to restock the copier with paper -- nothing more.

That's your job now. Early: Well, this here paper looks pretty big to me.

I mean, you want I should shrinkinate it with the -- with the --

where's the hell's the arm chopper? It's been removed.

We're not stupid. [ Paper rustles ] Early: Aaaaaaah!

Manila card stock! What the hell kinda deathtrap you runnin' here?!

[ Bird cries ] Just stand here like this, keep the crows off the crops.

Early: I can scare me a mess of birds away with these ninja swords I got at the mall.

No! No, don't! Don't! Put 'em down. You just stretch your arms out

and do nothing, and nothing's gonna happen. [ Motor whirring ]

Oh, no. Early: Oh, hell yeah! No! No!

Early: Bring it on! Owww! Stop the machine! Stop the machine!

[ Whirring slows, stops ] Oh. Oh, thank God. [ Crows cawing ]

Early: Aah! Aah! Ohh! Jackpot! Aw, come on!

Early: Oh, my arm!

Oh, my arm!

Oh, my -- what's the damn deal here?! Listen, Mr. Halen wants you

to stand here and make sure everyone washes their hands. Or not.

He doesn't really care. [ Door opens, closes ] Early: Birds, come forth!

I call on thee! [ Crows cawing ] Aah! Aah! Ohh!

blessed!

Whoo, baby! Whoo! Sheriff: You wanted to see

me, Mr. Halen? Dan Halen: I have an employee who is bending me over and

raping the cash out of me! I want proof so I can legally fire this cripple!

Rusty: Hey, check this out. I went through that company insurance plan.

A whole leg is supposed to fetch you $900-plus. Early: What the hell?

Granny: You've only been gettin' $600 a leg. That's the damn finger rate!

Early: He's rippin' me off! Hell, this is fraud! Rusty: Well, daddy, you can

just do you a half-ass job till you get laid off. Then you could get a severance

package. Early: Well, that's a good idea, boy.

Go ahead. Sever my package. How much we get for that? Granny: Oh, you're both so

shortsighted. The big payoff's in chemical

burns -- loss of vision. Don't you fools read

appendix d? Early: Hell, I mean, if I

stab my eyes out and burn my face off with lye, we can

retire. Rusty: What's this about, sheriff?

[ Camera beeps, whirs ] Sheriff: Uh... Just between us, Mr. Halen told

me to watch you so we can prove that you're defraudin' the insurance company.

Dan Halen: Moron! Sheriff: I'm even wearin' a wire [Chuckles] like in that

TV show -- you know, "the wire." Dan Halen: Get out of there! Abort the mission!

Sheriff: Hang on. This -- this radio keeps makin' this crazy noise.

Dan Halen: Abort the miss-- sheriff: Whoa! You got an aboveground pool?

Early: Oh, hell yeah. I also got me some Chinese throwin' stars from the dollar.

And I can afford me this here hat, too. Hell, I can't afford the other

hat yet. But soon, sumbitch, I will! That's the damn joke.

Sheriff: So you got all this stuff just by losin' your arms?

I-I had a accident -- on the job. Dan Halen: Accident? Hmm.

Do you remember the part where you were wearing the wire? Sheriff: Like on that TV show

"the wire"? Oh, yeah. [ Tape recorder beeps ]

Ain't there a better way than this Rusty bear trap, Early? Early: Yeah, I guess, but --

ha ha -- this is funny. [ Clank] sheriff: Aaaaaaahh!

Early: [ Laughs maniacally ] Sheriff: I always wanted a pool, though.

Ohh! Dan Halen: You do know that just because you're on the take

doesn't make you a benefits-eligible employee? Sheriff: But...I was working

for yothough. Dan Halen: Legally speaking, that was a personal favor,

sheriff. Read the written agreement -- of which you have none!

Sheriff: Well, at least I was smart enough to put my arm in a bag of rice.

Dan Halen: That's for wet cellphones, you subaverage cretin.

Sheriff: Aw, hell. I got my websites mixed up again.

Early: [ Grunting ] Granny: I think you went to that arm well one too many

times. Early: No, no, I'm fine, bitch.

Nose-diggy and gun-shooty is holdin' down the fort while -- [ Crows cawing ]

Aah! Aah! Ohh! Them sumbitchin' crows is on my ass like a birthmark!

Granny: Well, bottle-grabby's seen better days. He looks like a dried-up ramen

noodle.

Early: The hell with him. I still got my mouth finger,

licky. [ Slurps ]

[ Muffled ] Works just as well. [ Slurps ] Rusty: Daddy, your arms

didn't grow back. Early: Wait. Are you sayin' my arms growed

back and that bitch over there stole 'em in the night?! Granny: No, no, he didn't say

that at all! Early: You purple thievin' whore!

I'm 'bout to tongue-whip you! [ Grunting ] Granny: [ Laughs ]

Aww, you're tryin' your hardest, ain't ya? See ya later!

Early: Damn slippery bitch got away.

[ Grunting ] Rusty: Where you tryin' to

go, daddy? Early: To the doctor.

[ Grunts ] Hell, my livelihood is in

jeopardy. [ Grunting ] Rusty: Hey, let me give you a

lift. Early: Please stop! Ohh! Aah! Stop!

Rusty: Whee! Early: Please! Please! Oh, God!

Rusty: Whoo! Early: Oh, stop it! Stop it! [ Panting ]

[ Grunting ] [ Metal clanking ]

[ Panting ] Mornin', Early. Early: What, Glenn?!

You ain't never seen a octuple amputee? Is that it?

Well, get you a damn eyeful!

[ Screaming ] Damn it!

You need some help or -- Early: You squash-shaped

bitch! You try clinkin' a damn mile in

my hooks sometime! Was just sayin' "hey." Early: [ Grunting ]

Dan Halen: I see you've been outfitted with our [Chuckling] state-of-the-art

hook technology. Early: [ Grunting ] Dan Halen: Yes, the gravy

train has pulled into the station. Everybody off!

Early: W-w-w-w-wait. Hold on, now. How much you think you could,

uh, give me for these? [ Flies buzzing ]

Rusty: [ Clears throat ] [ Rooster crows ]

What the... Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Granny: Yay! We're gonna be rich!

Made...In Georgia.