Original subtitles

[ Static ] [ Country music plays ] My dreams are all dead and

buried sometimes I wish the sun would just explode

when God comes and calls me to his kingdom I'll burn all you sons of

bitches on the stove Rusty: My turn. Early: Hell no.

Rusty: Man, let me drive that thing! Early: Do not touch the trim!

Rusty: A-town, baby! Atlanta! Whoa! Hey, man, can we take that CNN

tour, see them Jews and their liberal media spin machine while they make up them lies?

Early: Maybe next time, son. We in hotlanta today for one reason and one reason only --

the pride parade, baby! Granny: The celebration of the life and music of

country Western legend Charley pride! Early: Yeah! Whoo!

Hell, they throwing out free candy. Granny: Yay! Candy!

Rusty: Throw me some candy. This gum is chewy. Granny: [ Slurring ] Some

kind of lubrication on here. This is numbing my tongue. Early: [ Gasps ]

No. [ Blowing ] Early: No.

Mm! Early: No! No!

No! This is not how Charley pride wants his life's work

celebrated! Granny: Oh, Early, you've been hit by their flowers!

That means you're the next to be gay-married. Early: Oh, no!

Rusty: Congratulations, daddy. I didn't know you's gay.

Early: Well, me neither, but I don't want to be. I won't do it.

It ain't right. I ain't going to hell for marry no damn man.

But a gay time was not had by all, as one protester had some pointedly uncivil things to say

about the gay marriage movement. Early: I mean, what's next? Somebody just gonna haul off and

marry a damn paint can. Granny: Marriage is our word! Let them make their own word up,

like "clegebus" or "flarm"! Early: That's right, flarm! Granny: Clegebus!

Early: Amen. Granny: You can't force me to marry a woman!

Early: Yeah, what's next? They gonna make me marry me a paint can?

Granny: I might be in to scissoring with her, if that's all she wants, 'cause it's fun,

and there ain't no pressures as long as everyone's on the same page goin' into the thing.

Early: And I would enjoy watching that. But I ain't just gonna sit down

and allow a man to marry a man. [ Stammers ] I ain't gay-marrying no damn

body up in connecticgut. I live here, damn it! Reporting from

gay pride Atlanta, I'm Doug Richards. Early: [ Grunting ]

[ Breathing heavily ] I ain't moving to Connecticut! I lived here!

Rusty: Well, it ain't like it's mandatory, daddy. Early: This country was built

on freedom -- freedom to not let them do what we do not want them to do!

Granny: I mean, what's next? Early: Yeah, what's next? Like I'm gonna marry a damn

paint can. Is that it? Granny: Are you?

I mean, you're talking a big game up there on the TV. Early: Granny, I ain't gonna

marry no damn paint can. That's ridiculous. I am a confirmed bachelor.

Hell, I ain't gonna be held down by no sumbitchin' paint can. Granny: Ah, there he goes,

backing down again, yeah? Early: What? You saying I ain't mature enough

to settle down with a paint can, huh? Granny: You ain't never

followed through on nothing your whole life. Early: Oh, I'll marry me a

damn paint can if that's what it takes to shut your ass up! Granny: Oh, no, no.

Don't do it 'cause of me. I'll just go on tellin' me friends that you're a-a late

bloomer. Early: Rusty, fetch the damn preacher man!

I'm marrying a damn paint can today! You hear me?!

Does that satisfy you, bitch?! [ Door slams ] Now who wins?!

Ugh. Do you really have to deface the chapel wall?

Rusty: Which one you want to marry, daddy? Early: Uh, that one there

will do. Put a dress on it. Couldn't y'all have used the

swatches? Sheriff: Early, I don't think you can legally marry a paint

can in this state. Early: I got the right to marry anybody I want to, to

prove that nobody is supposed to be marrying anybody they want. Sheriff: Aw, you get all

constitutional with me. I-I can't keep up. You got my blessing.

Go ahead. Early: All right, then, reverend.

Let's get it on! We're gathered here today to unite in holy matrimony this

squid and this gallon of, uh -- Early: Extra-acrylic high-gloss latex paint and

primer in one with a semigloss finish. I do!

And with that, the "what's next, you gonna marry a paint can?" Guy drove off with his new

wife and all her bridesmaids tied to the bumper. [ Tires screeching ]

Reporting from dougal county, I'm Doug Richards. Early: [ Laughs ]

I got their damn thongs in a twist now, baby! Granny: Yeah, I guess.

But what's next? Early: I'll show you what the hell's next!

Early: What's next, gay-marriage lovers? Y'all gonna make it legal for me

to marry this here vacuum cleaner? 'Cause I'll do it.

Didn't I just marry you to a paint can? Early: I'm marrying me an

object a week until them gay-marriage people shut the hell up.

Dan Halen: My fundamentalist fast-food chain, chicken on the cross, is

prepared to throw its full financial support behind you and your many inane weddings.

Early: I appreciate you, 'cause, I mean, what the hell's next, you know?

What if somebody just hauls off and marries a damn -- Dan Halen: A paint can.

Yes, yes. I saw that you did that, yes. Early: And this here is my

new wife, space robot. Bo-Bo-be-bop-bop-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo. What's that, honey?

Oh! She says, "hey, no gays are marrying no damn body here." Dan Halen: Listen to me, you

fool! If you want this thing to have legs, I need you to marry

something more insane, something that will get on TV! Early: Oh, I hear you.

So you want me to marry this here hot dog. Dan Halen: You're going to

marry a wild black bear of appalachia! Picture it, a massive straight

pride parade through downtown dougal county, where you'll exchange vows with a beast of

the forest! Sure, we'll lose some customers, but we'll double our sales with

the rotund Jesus freaks, who will all unite in a brainless effort to support us, leaving us

with a net gain of slightly more! Granny: You damn gay folks!

You've stole all our straight colors! Well, that's fine.

All I need is black and white -- exactly how I view the world! It's Adam and Eve, not

m-madam and Steve! Actually, madam and Steve would be just fine.

Granny: Yeah, madam and Steve is totally hetero. Well, what about Rodney and

Steve? Where you getting Rodney from?

I put my hand down Rodney's pants. He got all weird about it.

Granny: Rodney's gay, everyone. Sheriff: Rodney's gay?

Wait. Who's Rodney? Some dude. It's pretty hairy up here for a

bang bus. [ Bear growling ] Early: Is this here, my

future, uh, bear wife? Dan Halen: No. This is the bear's father.

You must request his daughter's paw in marriage, because we're promoting traditional family

values here. Lower the bear shield! Early: What now?

[ Bear roars ] Dan Halen: Now ask the ursine beast for its cub's hand!

[ Bear roars ] Early: [ Clears throat ] Sir, I reckon your daughter's a

very special lady. [ Screams ] [ Bear roars ]

Dan Halen: You have his blessing! Rusty: Hey, daddy, you all

right?! Early: Satan? Rusty: No, daddy, it's just

Rusty. Early: I think I got me some cold feet about this here

marriage. Rusty: Look, daddy. It's perfectly natural to -- to

have some jitters about marrying a wild bear. [ Bear roars ]

But it's way too late to run. Hell, even if he did, bears can run up to 40 Miles an hour.

[ Bear roars ] Early: All right, then. Hell, let's do it.

[ Wagner's "bridal chorus" plays ] [ Bear growls ]

Early: I-I told him a prime rib carving station and chocolate fountain!

Rusty: It's all there, daddy. They just had to hang it from the trees, you know, on account

of your bride. [ Bear roars ] You look so handsome, daddy.

Now ball up facedown on the ground and protect the back of your head.

Do you, Early cuyler, take this appalachian black bear to be your wedded wife to prove

your point? Early: You know, I'm starting to think that, uh, them gay

folks oughta be able to marry about anything they want. Dan Halen: Emotionally commit

to the bear! Bind yourself in matrimony...To the bear!

Early: I do. Dan Halen: You're goddamn right you d-- he does, everyone.

He does. You may now kiss the bear. [ Bear growls ]

Early: Nah, I'm good, hals. Dan Halen: Put the ring on her and kiss her deep for the

camera! [ Bear roars ] Early: Aw, hell.

Tonight, I'm gonna give it a chance Early: Hmm.

That, uh -- that there was pretty good. But your damn face smells like

you been rooting around in a damn dumpster. You gonna have to wash a hell of

a lot better than you washing if you gonna stay married to me! [ Bear roars ]

Early: No, no, no, no! [ Screaming ] Rusty: Ball up, daddy!

[ Bears roaring ] [ Screams ] [ Groans ]

Dan Halen: And now presenting Mr. and Mrs. Early cuyler. [ Bear roars ]

Early: [ Screams ] Get it off me! Dan Halen: This is God's

punishment for marriages that are not between a man and woman! Early: Oh, just turn it off,

please. Rusty: Don't talk now, daddy. You'll mess up them skin grafts.

Sheriff: We all had to give some butt skin, Early, so that they could rebuild your face.

Early: Yeah, that looks good. Thank y'all. I-I had a feeling in my gut that

it -- it just wasn't gonna work out betweenst her and me. I just hope she finds happiness

somewhere out there in the forest, far away from my ass. Sheriff: Well, you can tell

her yourself. She's right outside. [ Door banging ]

Early: No, don't let her in here, no. Sheriff: Y'all are married,

so she's got visitation rights now. [ Bear roars ]

Early: Hey, you're here. I-I-I feel that we rushed into this.

[ Screams ] Rusty: Whoa, now, that bear's got her a ding-a-ling!

Early's digging on a dude! Early: [ Screams ] Sheriff: Well, Early, I-I

guess you're getting God's punishment for trying to marry a gay man bear.

Gay bear marriage ain't legal in this state. Early: Somebody please!

Sheriff: Oh, well, that means this bear ain't got visitation rights at all, then.

Early: [ Screams ] [ Monitor beeping ] Sheriff: So, Denny, go on

over and tell that bear he can't visit no more. [ Bear roars ]

How 'bout you tell him? Early: Damn, get him off, get him off!

[ Bear roars ] Sheriff: Let's let the nurse do it.