Original subtitles

# To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around... #

Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

No? Stop that and push the trolley.

Yes, sir, Rimmer!

Right. Corridor 159.

Lister, shut up!

- I'm only humming! - Well, don't.

Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo.

What job number's this?

Right! That's it!

"Lister, D., Third Technician.

"Offence: obstructing a superior technician

"by humming, clicking and being quiet. "

When the Captain sees this, you're dead.

Rimmer, I'm bored!

Bored?! This is essential routine maintenance.

It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship.

"Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged. "

Pass me a 14B, Lister.

Lister, is this a 14B?

Does it look even remotely like a 14B?

This is a 14B, Lister.

This is a 14F. Are you blind?

- Who cares? - I care, Lister!

It's my career Lister.

I'm the one who gets it in the neck if an officer comes along,

orders chicken soup,

and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.

Chicken soup.

Yep. That's working.

It's stupid, all this maintenance business.

The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots

is they've got a better union than us.

Lister, that is absolute nonsense.

Right. What's next?

"Botanical gardens: faulty porous circuit.

"In corridor 147: sticking door. "

It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.

You rank below all four of those service robots.

Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.

Well Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!

Not till you pass your engineer's exam.

And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.

Lister, last time I only failed by the "narrowest" of narrow margins.

You what?

You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish"

400 times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.

- That's a total lie! - No, it's not! Petersen told me.

"No, it's not! Petersen told me. "

Lister if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on porous circuits

which was simply too "radical", too "unconventional",

too "mould-breaking" for the examiners to accept.

Yeah. You said you were a fish.

Is that a cigarette you're smoking Lister?

No, it's a chicken.

Right! You're on report.

Two times in as many minutes, Lister! I don't know...

- Rimmer, Lister. - Yes, sir.

Yo, Todhunter, get down!

Indeed. Now uh, Rimmer, I'm just going through Mclntyre's artifacts,

and I see that you've filed 247 complaints...

against Lister.

- Yes, sir! - That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician,

39 counts of dereliction of duty,

84 counts of insubordination,

and one count of mutiny.

Yes, sir!

Mutiny, Lister?

I stood on his toe.

Maliciously, with intent to wound.

It was an accident! Maliciously, with intent to wound.

It was an accident!

Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident?

You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot,

thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

But the 'vital duty' was he was going to snap my guitar in half!

Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

- Alright, that's enough. - Had there been a crisis situation Lister

I would've had to perform my duties hopping,

clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly, therefore, mutiny.

Finished?

However, I'm not vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.

There are 169 people on board this ship.

You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.

I try to respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy,

'cause he's such a smeghead!

Did you hear that, sir?

Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

Oh, Rimmer!

You ARE a smeghead.

You heard that Lister! With respect, sir, your career's over,

Todhunter you're finished, you big lig!

We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George Mclntyre.

George was an excellent officer and as good a friend as anyone could ever hope to have.

And he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know.

I now commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much.

Bye, George, we'll miss you.

This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape, please Holly.

# See you later, alligator... #

# In a while, crocodile... #

There goes Mclntyre.

#.. so long! Goodbye! # Bye George.

That was George!

Really? I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots!

Off!

Hey, I was watching that!

Well, tough.

You touch that guitar Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it.

Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe?

Lister, I have an exam tomorrow which I intend to pass.

I know yeah, by cheating.

This is not cheating!

It is merely an aid to memory.

Helps me marshal the facts already in my command.

What? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?

Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that!

Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer?

Someone who wasn't Academy educated?

Someone who didn't have the right nobby background,

someone who didn't have the right parents?

You didn't have the right parents?

Whose parents did you have?

MY parents. The wrong parents.

I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?

Well, you would, Lister, 'cause you've got no ambition, no drive.

You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship.

I'm not the lowest rank on this ship.

What about the laboratory mice?

Tell the mice to do something and they've got to jump to it.

"Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee. "

Lister, you are a nothing.

I'm not a 'nothing.' I've got me plan.

What's that? The plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?

No.

Me Five Year Plan.

You see, I'm going to do two more trips.

and I've been saving up all me pay...

Since when?

Since always.

That's why I never buy any soap, or deodorant, or socks, or anything like that, you know?

Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji

and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow

and breed horses.

With a sheep and a cow?

No, with horses and horses.

On Fiji?

Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable.

Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level!

It's only three feet. They can wade.

That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall.

Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister!

What about the sheep?

What are you going to do, buy them water wings?

Fit them with stilts?

Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton!

Baa, spoosh, baa, spoosh.

You can get a drainage grant these days.

Why bother Lister, you could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear!

This is why I never, ever, said anything to you, 'cause I knew you'd say something like this.

Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.

"Mornin', Farmer Lister!

"I'm just popping down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?"

The "Welcome Back George Mclntyre" reception is about to begin in the refectory

George says he'd like to invite everybody,

especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral.

Have you seen Rimmer's arm?

No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!

Petersen, have you got a coin?

I've just been shown this great new intelligence test.

What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead.

And the more times you can bang yourself on the head without it falling off, the more intelligent you are.

You're gonna go for it?

He's going for it!

Are you ready? Can you feel it?

Yeah!

Can you feel it? Go!

Yeah!

Can you feel it?

Yep!

Go!

Go on Petersen! Go on! Come on!

Brrr... brrr... brrr.

- Brrr... brrr... brrr... - Sh! Sh!

Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.

Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy,

because George is back... albeit as a hologram.

No some of you may not have traveled with a hologram before, so I ask you to treat him as a normal man

because he is in every respect like George.

He has George's personality, and George's knowledge and experience.

Of course he can't lift anything or touch anything,

so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.

And please take care not to walk through him,

not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.

Whoa! Whoa! Speech! Speech!

I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvelous funeral.

I've just seen the vid.

And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy.

Beautiful.

But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one I wrote?!

This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,

but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead,

more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages.

I think Joe knows what I'm talking about.

As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram.

So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is:

if you die, I'll kill you.

Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.

Flight Coordinator George Mclntyre.

George!

OK. Just one thing before the disco.

Holly has sensed a non-human life form aboard.

Sir, it's Rimmer!

We don't know what it is, Lister.

So just be careful, OK?

I'm turning you in, Rimmer.

Ooooh!

Right. They're bound to ask the right thigh,

which is 10%.

They, they must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.

They've got to ask one of the forearms.

Which means I've passed already! Anything on the left shin's a bonus!

Right.

Cutie: current under tension is...

What's this? Current under tension is equal?

Current under tension is expandable?

Current under tension is expensive?

What does this mean?

What does any of this mean?

I've covered my body in complete and utter

and total absolute nonsense gibberish!

Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax...

Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus

the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the x axis

minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf,

which means I know everything about astro-engineering.

Morning, Lister, for probably the last time.

Got it all down, have you, Rimmer?

Couple of blanks, but I think I'm there.

So you can't remember anything?

Think what you will, Lister.

Rimmer, F- I-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish".

Then you just keel over.

I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.

Dry up, Lister.

Will entrants for the engineer's examination,

now make their way to the teaching room.

Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.

It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control.

Lock.

Lock!

Frankenstein! Ah, come on, Frankenstein!

Oh, you're getting really big now, you know?

I hope it's not twins. You've already got all me milk ration.

Nevermind. When the baby cat comes, maybe we'll give him water and pretend it's milk.

It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh?

eh?

Do you want to see my picture of Fiji, Frankie?

You'll love it there. Look.

OK. You've got three hours.

No modems, no speaking slide-rules.

Turn over and start. Good luck.

Where's the Captain's office?

It's over there where it says, "Captain's Office."

- Where it's always said "Captain's Office." - So that's the Captain's office!

So how are you, then?

Fine.

Do you know what he wants to see me for?

Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

For your diligence and general devotion to duty.

Oh, yeah.

Lister!

You asked to see me, Captain?

Where's the cat?

What?

What cat?

Lister, not only are you so stupid

you bring aboard an unquarantined animal

and jeopardize every man and woman on this ship...

not only that, but you take a photo of yourself with the cat

and send it to be processed in the ship's lab.

Now, I'm gonna ask you again, do you have a cat?

No.

Have you got a cat?

Yes, that one.

Where did you get it, Titan?

Yes.

Don't you realize that that thing could be carrying "anything"?

Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits?

Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.

It could get into the air ducts, it could get into Holly.

You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister,

before you know it, we're flying backwards.

Now, I want that cat, and I want it NOW.

Sir, just suppose I did have a cat.

Just suppose.

What would you do with Frankenstein?

I'd send it down to the medical center, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.

Would you put it back together when you're finished?

Lister, the cat would be dead.

So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

Lister, give me that cat!

See, it's not as easy as that.

Me and the cat, we're gonna have a baby cat,

and, and we're gonna buy a farm on Fiji,

we're gonna have a sheep and a cow and three horses.

It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect you.

Sir!

Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages?

No

You wanna hand over that cat?

No.

Choose.

Look Dave, no one wants to go through with this.

It's OK, I can handle it.

Rimmer, are you all right?

I can't really remember.

I think I did white well.

Is this going to hurt?

Haven't you ever traveled interstellar?

No

Oh, you don't feel a thing.

The stasis room creates a static field of time.

See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field.

So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and

for you time itself does not exist.

You see, although you are still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time,

you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.

Oh, simple as that, eh?

OK, I'm ready.

See you in 18 months.

Holly, activate the stasis field.

OK, Frank.

Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.

I've only just gone in.

Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing,

Where is everybody, Hol?

They're dead, Dave.

Who is?

Everybody, Dave.

What, Captain Hollister?

Everybody's dead, Dave.

What, Todhunter?

Everybody's dead, Dave.

What, Selby?

They're all dead,

Everybody's dead, Dave.

Petersen isn't, is he?

Everybody is dead, Dave,

Not Chen?

Gordon Bennet! Yes, Chen. Everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Rimmer?

He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!

Wait.

Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

I should have never let him out in the first place.

How?

The drive plate was badly repaired,

it blew,

and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2

before I could seal the area,

Well this is terrible!

And why is it so dirty 'round here, Hol? What is this stuff?

That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen,

I've been eating half the crew!

And who's that?

That's Captain Hollister.

And that's Todhunter.

No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't recognise him without his report book.

What was Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?

He was explaining to the captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly,

So wait on.

How long was I in stasis?

Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level,

How long?

Three million years.

Three million years!

I've still got that library book.

What about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?

She's dead, Dave.

Aw, hey!

I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.

She was part of me plan.

I never got 'round to telling her, but she was gonna come with me to Fiji.

She was gonna wear a white dress and ride the horses.

I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan.

I planned it!

Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now...

not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with,

Holly!

Sorry, I'm sorry about that, I've been on me own for three million years,

and I'm just used to saying what I think.

I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth.

So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? It's just me?

Well, technically speaking, yeah.

What 'cha you mean, "technically speaking"?

Hello, Lister.

Long time no see.

Rimmer, you're a hologram?!?

Yes. That's because I'm dead.

Dead as a can of Spam.

And it's all thanks to you.

Me? What did I do?

If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister

and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate and I wouldn't be dead.

What's it feel like?

Death?

It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

No,

I mean being a hologram.

Do you mind?

Being a hologram is fine, Lister.

I still have the same drives,

the same feelings, the same emotions,

but I can't touch anything.

Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek,

cradle a laughing child,

or interfere with a woman sexually.

Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway!

But I would have done one day, murderer!

Hey, hey, I didn't do anything!

It was YOU who didn't fix the drive plates properly.

Is this me here?

Yeah.

Me?

Come on Rimmer, look on the bright side.

The bright side?

What bright side?

I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light,

and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana!

Where's the bright side?

What's an iguana?

And look, look, you're not dead, are ya?

I'm mean you're dead,

but you're not "dead" dead, because you're still here aren't ya!

Lister, I'm not really here!

I'm not really me! Don't you see?

I'm a computer simulation of me.

That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.

Come on.

Lots of people have died.

Lots have died and gone on and done really, really well.

You're a hologram. So what?

I suppose you're right, Lister.

I've got to pull myself together.

But you've got to help me.

You've got to be my hands and my touch.

I know what you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.

Are you smoking Lister? In the Drive Room?

Yeah. I stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.

You're on report, squire.

I can't write it down.

I'll remember it.

Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that

but you're still a smeghead.

I beg your pardon?

I said, you're still a smeghead.

Do you have any conception of the penalty

for describing a deceased superior technician as a smeghead?

Lister, will you listen to me.

Just listen to me.

Just, just shut up. Shut up.

Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee!

How am I looking?

Looking nice.

No, wait a minute.

I'm looking better than nice.

I'm looking dangerous.

Dangerous!

Hey, what's that?

Oh, it's my shadow.

Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.

I'm looking nice. My shadow's looking nice.

What a team!

We are unbelievable!

OK, team, this way.

No, this way.

This way!

Lister, just hold your horses, listen to me...

Uh, oh!

Better make myself look big!

Fearsome. I was fearsome!

# me and my shadow, ooohhh! #

Come on, boy! # Walking down the... #

Holly, what was that?

During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens

were safely sealed in the hold,

and they've been breeding there for three million years,

and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the corridor

I don't get it.

Well, you know man evolved from apes?

Yeah, I know that.

He evolved from cats, his ancestors were cats,

He's descended from cats, he is a cat.

Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah...

Hello...

Cat?

Whoa! Crease!

Stand back, Lister.

Here you go, Cat.

Ah, crispies!

Holly says you like these.

Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor?

Ain't you got no style or sophistication?

I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.

You people are unbelievable.

Where are all your other catty friends, Cat?

Good crispies, man!

But where are all the other little kitties?

Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left, yeah?

Who cares?

I want it off the ship!

No!

He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?

Home? And where exactly is home supposed to be?

Earth.

Earth? What makes you think there'll be any Earth Lister?

And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.

Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?

To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out the oceans.

I could smarten meself up a bit.

Nah, you're a dinosaur.

You're extinct. You've got nothing.

Hey, hey! I've still got me plan.

And I've still got a cat. Okay, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.

Did you say Frankenstein?

Yeah, she was your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother or something.

The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth?

No one believes that stuff.

The Virgin Birth?!

No, it was a big black tom on Titan.

Frankenstein, yeah!

I remember that stuff from kitty school.

The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid,

who was frozen in time,

and gaveth of his life that we might live.

No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!

It's Lister the... stupid?!

Who shall returneth to lead us to Fuchal,

the Promised Land.

No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji!

And I will!

I'll lead you there.

That's where we're going.

Holly, plot a course for Fiji.

Look out, Earth.

The slime's coming home!

# It's cold outside, There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #