Original subtitles

♪ I've always had it easy with a man about the place ♪

♪ Steaming up the mirror when I'm making up my face ♪

♪ He's just a friend, a helping hand ♪

♪ A ready willing smile, but could it be ♪

♪ That love has been here on my doorstep all the while ♪

♪ It's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ One to rely on, a shoulder to cry on now and then ♪

♪ It's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ So close to home and yet so far away ♪

♪ And all the time, I thought that I was ♪

♪ Just a freewheeling girl ♪

♪ I looked around but now I found ♪

♪ Love was on my doorstep all the while ♪

♪ It's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ One to rely on, a shoulder to cry on, now and then ♪

♪ With all the little things you try to hide ♪

♪ When there's a man about the house ♪

♪ How could I open my heart to him now ♪

Can you put some more hot water in please,

this bath's getting cold.

Oh you do it, you're nearer the taps then I am.

Oh alright, I'll do it.

Has anyone seen my flannel?

I've got it.

No you haven't, that's mine.

Look yours is over there.

Right.

I'm getting cramp, I wish you two would get out.

Oh we're gonna have to work out a rota system,

there just isn't room in here for three of us.

Well I suppose we could finish off in the kitchen,

No we couldn't, there's no mirror in there.

Well look, I'll tell you what.

I'll show you where your eyelashes are,

if you show me where my chin is.

Oh you can have it.

Thank you.

Honestly I wouldn't mind first thing in the morning,

if only it came later in the day.

I wish you'd hurry up, I can't get out of this bath

until you've gone.

Well look I'll tell you what, I'll shut my eyes.

See look, they're closed.

You sure they're shut.

Yes, yes they were.

Honestly we must get the lock fixed on that door.

Oh no, no, that would take all the suspense

out of having a bath.

Towel.

Do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

Listen if you want any help drying yourself down,

you know I could do it by touch alone.

You'll be lucky.

And shut the door.

Oh no, not again, eggs.

Well you liked them yesterday, and the day before.

Yeah and the day before that.

I'm beginning to look like an egg.

Listen it isn't even my turn to cook the breakfast,

it's Jo's.

Well then why doesn't Jo cook it?

She did, bacon and sausages, do you want to eat it?

I tell you what, just for a change, how about some eggs.

You like cooking we don't.

Listen it's part of the females function

to provide food.

So where do you think these eggs came from, a rooster?

Look Chrissy, I'm not a male chauvinist.

I think you are.

Well what do you know about it, you're only a woman.

Honestly, I'd have nothing to do with men

if they weren't the opposite sex.

Look, when are you gonna fix the lock on that door.

Oh, I'll get around to it.

I tell you what, I tell you what,

I'll put that bolt on that door.

What bolt?

The one from your bedroom door.

You know I can quite easily unscrew it.

You leave that where it is.

Alright, alright, if it gives you the illusion of safety.

Illusion?

Only another three feet and my tunnel is completed.

Hey there's Larry, you're gonna be late.

Oh everybody's gonna be late today,

it's the last day of term.

Including you.

Well I'll just say I was delayed.

I was a witness to a terrible accident.

Lies.

What else would you call it?

Listen do you want a lift?

Oh great.

Right come on then, see yah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Morning Mrs. Roper.

Oh morning love, morning Mr. Tripp.

Did you friend get anything else for Christmas?

Hmm, oh I know what you mean, I'm sorry.

Yeah he's got this theory that it recharges the battery.

Well it doesn't worry me love but you see

it might wake Mr. Roper.

Why is he still in bed?

Oh no he's been up for hours, but he's not awake yet.

Oh dear, dear, best one of the day that.

George, those cigarettes are gonna be the death of you.

Have another one.

Oughtn't be aloud first thing in the morning,

that horrible noise.

It was only a car horn George.

No I mean you, talking.

George other men have conversation with their wives.

You know they read them little bits out of the newspaper,

cheer them up, give them a bright start to their day.

Now why can't you do that.

Alright, alright, Mullins, age 73,

peacefully after a short illness, sadly missed.

Oh here's another one, Murgatroy J.

Oh belt up, here's your post.

No Jo this morning then?

No it's her day off.

Will you keep your eyes on the road

and stop trying to put my knee into second.

Sorry love.

Oh does he always drive like this?

Yes, it's no good closing your eyes.

I'm not closing my eyes.

I'm talking to Larry.

Look I tell you what, listen,

drop us off and we'll walk.

No we won't, we're safer in here.

He can't knock us over if we're in here.

You got a job yet then?

What?

For the holidays?

Oh yes, in fact we just passed it,

that little restaurant there.

Where?

No you keep your eyes on the road.

You cooking there are you?

Yeah, helping the chef you know.

It's only part time but the monies good.

Jammy begger.

I tell you what if you're not fixed up

they're looking for a waiter.

Where are you going?

Well we can't hang about can we, waiter hey.

Will you keep your eyes on the pavement.

Oh nice, nice.

There we are then.

Oh accept the grateful thanks

of a white haired old lady.

- See yah. - See yah.

Larry, Larry, look, look, take it easy, I'm not that late.

You are mate.

Mind you if I shared a flat with two birds,

I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning either.

Yeah true, true.

Actually they put a new bolt on the bedroom door.

- Yeah. - So I can't get out.

For the forthcoming tasks that lie ahead in front of us

we are showing promise on our progress.

But one or two of us have fallen down on our custards.

Good morning Mr. Tripp.

Ah, good morning.

Mr. Tripp, how is it that Miss Grace,

who lives over an hour away is always early,

are always late?

Yes well you see if she's late

she's got time to hurry up.

Yes.

You see if I'm late I'm already here.

Mr Tripp.

Sorry what?

What is the first priority

in the maintenance of the kitchen?

Well it must remain spotless at all times.

Dirt and untidiness are the enemies of the good chef.

A well run kitchen should be ordered, hygienic,

a place for everything and everything in its place.

Remember the three C's, clean, clinical and...

Cobblers.

Clutterless.

Look, you can't tart about when you're doing

60 meals a day, I've hardly got time

to pick me nose as it is.

Yes I know but you know, I didn't expect all this you know

it looked like a nice restaurant.

Look, have you ever tried cooking on a trawler,

up to your goolies in fish heads?

No I haven't.

No, well I have and compared to that,

this is straight out of Ideal Home I'll tell yah.

I reckon you've lumbered me here mate.

Mousetrap and biccies for table nine.

Larry, Larry, no, no, no, no.

Yeah and if we're in the vicarage.

Oh yeah and one ice cream.

Coming up.

Here are, one vanilla.

Oh no sorry, can you make that chocolate.

I'll do me best.

Abracadabra, ah, ah, ah.

It's not worked, here, cover it in curry powder,

they won't know the difference.

I shall have to go for a jimmy, cop hold of that.

Hey and when I come back remind me to tell you

all about the daffodil, oh dear.

Daffodil?

They're a stingy lot of customers in here.

The only tip I've seen all day is this kitchen.

Right, do you know he's got some disgusting habits.

Do you know what he used to poke holes in those donuts?

No what?

A milk bottle, and he didn't even wash it.

I mean how an anyone create a classical cuisine

in a kitchen like this.

I mean you've seen the state of his washing up water.

Do you know, if I wanted to start a new religious cult

I could walk on that.

I thought it was soup of the day.

Probably will be tomorrow.

Yeah, she was a, here shove up,

she was having her bottom scraped in Grimsby you know.

Who was?

The Daffodil, the boat I'm telling you about.

She was in dry dock, you know the daffodil.

And I was er, I met these two nurses you know,

and er well they looked as if they fancied

a bit of the rough so I said to them.

Aren't you gonna wash your hands first?

What would I want to say that for?

No I said, look girls would you like a little

walk round the ship like you know,

have a bit of a look round and of course with nurses

you gotta be a bit subtle you know what I mean.

I mean you can't just dash straight in,

you've got to lead up to it.

So I get 'em in the cabin eventually

and I said how do you fancy a game of strip poker.

I actually usually put a dash of garlic salt

in my batter.

Hey you're not a puff are yah?

No.

Thank the Lord for that.

Eventually we were playing this strip poker you know,

and I got down to me wellies like you know,

and they were starkers, garlic salt.

Well yeah, it sort of brings out the flavour.

But go about the strip poker.

Oh yeah, well like, you know, I mean hammocks like

they're only really built for one aren't they.

- Hi. - Hi.

Finished work already?

Yeah it's lunch this week and dinners next.

Do you think you're gonna like it?

Yeah, yeah it's not too bad.

The chef's a character, he's full of stories.

Do you er, do you play cards?

Yeah why?

Oh it's nothing, nothing.

Oh everything's being pulled down isn't it.

What?

The cinema, they're building another office block.

Oh yeah, yeah.

It's terrible, I mean where's everybody gonna play Bingo.

Yeah I mean people need to relax you know.

Play bingo, cards, poker perhaps.

They pulled that folk club down to build offices.

It's true people are being forced to entertain at home

with cards and things.

I'm not going on about cards,

just happened to mention it, that's all.

Topic of conversation, I'll change the subject.

What did you buy?

Clothes, underwear.

Oh great, fantastic.

You're in a funny sort of mood today.

Good afternoon.

Oh hello.

Embossed this letter head you know.

MF Plutherow, project manager.

George we are not selling this house,

especially not to any property developer.

No, no, no, of course not.

Full market value, here I wonder what that would be.

I mean if we were thinking of selling it.

Which we are not.

Which we're not, no, still.

That's always been your trouble George, greed.

I can remember our wedding reception.

Still haven't forgotten that.

Here, look, do you remember that happy day.

Oh yeah.

Hmm, comes the time to cut the cake and where are you?

Round the boozer collecting on the empties.

I was just having a little nip to steady my nerves.

Oh yes, you came on our honeymoon as steady as a newt.

Well I may have had a few, but at least I did my duty.

Duty?

Yeah well it was a long time ago, wasn't it.

I still haven't forgotten.

Yeah but I'm thinking about the future now Mildred.

I mean if they are pulling this block down to build offices

we could make a nice tidy packet.

Who told you that?

Well a blonde next door, the one with the poodle, Hazel.

She said they've all got letters, the whole row.

Oh it's Hazel now is it?

On intimate terms are you.

No, no, she nipped me once or twice in the ankle.

The poodle, not Hazel, what are you doing?

I'm phoning around George.

I think it's about time we had a meeting

of the Residents Association.

Yeah well don't have it tonight,

there's a good film on the telly.

Do you know, there must be, must be something

better to do then watching all this rubbish.

Look I haven't got time to mess about.

Are you after my body?

Of course.

Sorry, it's already booked to do the washing up.

- Chrissy? - What?

Nothing, where's Jo?

In the bathroom.

Thank you.

Hey Jo, listen.

I might have been stark naked.

Not with my luck.

Look, Chrissy and I we're gonna have a game of cards.

So?

Strip poker, I mean we really need a third

but she says you won't play because you're well,

too prudish.

What?

Yeah okay fine, yes, no problem we'll manage,

just the two of us.

Yeah she's probably right.

What about?

Hmm, oh Jo and I we're going to play strip poker.

She says you won't play you know,

because you're too prudish.

She's right.

She is?

Absolutely, do you want to help me with the washing up?

No I don't.

Are you really going to play strip poker with him?

Me, he said it was you.

We're ready when you are.

What for?

Strip poker you said you wanted to play.

Right, listen how do you actually sort of play this game?

Well I suppose you do it with clothes instead of money.

So the loser takes off whatever clothes they bet.

Yes, yes, well you know I'll go along with that.

Should I, what do you call it, hand the cards out.

It's deal you see, that's the word, deal.

Yes, yes, of you go.

You've played cards before have you?

My dad taught me, off you go.

Pass.

Uh huh, okay well I'll open for a sock.

I'll stay.

I'm out.

It's just you and me Chrissy.

Just one small thing, what's your equivalent of a sock?

Half a tight.

Right, I'll draw one please.

- One. - Thank you.

I'll stay with what I've got.

Oh right, yes well I'll push it around for another sock.

Coward, your sock plus my skirt.

I'll raise your skirt with my trousers.

Good film that.

Here George, you know that wolfman,

he was the spitting image of an army sergeant

I used to go around with.

What all hairy and that?

No when he was normal.

Arthur, Arthur Mulgrove, that was it.

Cor I nearly married him.

Well what stopped yah?

He didn't ask me.

Sounds a sensible sort of fella.

Oh thank you.

You know when that wolfman ripped that blouse

off that helpless maiden, it sent a shiver

right down my spine.

Coming to bed George?

No, not just yet, I've got to make myself

a cheese and onion sandwich.

I'll wait for you.

Oh no don't bother because I've got to go upstairs

and tell them about the meeting tomorrow night.

Arthur Mulgrove.

All I can say is your father must have bee

a bloody good player that's all.

Do you want to go on?

Certainly, I'm not chicken.

Right, right well I'll open with my underpants.

Haven't really got much choice.

I'll stay for a shoe.

Oh come on Chrissy my underpants

have got to be worth more then a shoe.

Alright two shoes.

Whoopie.

I'm out.

Jo, you've done this every time

and I don't mind telling you

you're spoiling this game for me.

Three please.

I'll stay with these, go on.

This is a bit awkward this, I mean,

I haven't got anything else to bet with.

Look if I can just put on one piece of...

No, oh a full house, tens and twos.

Tens and twos.

Four jacks, get them off.

Ooh, oh Jo look I can see two bare feet.

It's all too much for me.

Right it's my deal.

I wouldn't get too excited you've got to be

very, very lucky.

Oh you just listen to me, my lucks changing,

I can feel it.

Right, off you go Chris.

- Pass. - Pass.

Right, yes I'll open yet again with my underpants.

I'll stay for a blouse and I'll draw three.

Right, one, two, three, Jo?

- I'm out. - I'm out thank you.

Right I'll have three, one.

Well I've got a pair, well let's have a look at them then.

What do you mean?

I've got a pair too.

Yes, two queens.

Aces.

Oh well that's it.

Not quite.

Oh no come on you don't really

want me to pay that last debt.

You started this game, it's of no interest to me

I was brought up on a farm.

I've never seen anyone blush over such a large area.

Alright, right there okay.

Now what?

I wonder who's going to answer it?

No come on you can't expect me to go, I'm starkers.

I won't look.

I will, he would have done if it was us.

You're right, I will look.

You don't think I'll do it do you.

Olay.

He cheated.

He's not the only one.

Oh evening son, what's that?

Uh it's a table cloth I don't normally wear it

only the curtains at the dry cleaners.

Oh yes, yeah, well, I just popped up

to tell you about the meeting tomorrow night.

You alright?

Yeah, it's just breadcrumbs.

Which meeting?

The Residents Association, they want you presence there.

Well, we obviously need some volunteers

to serve on the committee.

Now's your chance.

Yeah right, excuse me.

Thank you, I don't want to push myself forward.

Good for you.

It's the least I can do.

But I would like to volunteer Chris' services.

Hey?

Come on, up you go.

Well I think it's time for natural leaders

in the community to step forward

and shoulder their responsibilities.

Alright then.

Not you dear, me.

Well done.

That's lovely dear.

Would you like to start us all off.

Right, well first of all um, I know how strongly

we all feel about this problem and er,

and er, I know one person who has a lot to say

on this subject, Robin Tripp.

Uh, well, I feel myself we ought to oppose

the development that is, and if...

What you're trying to say is that this community

cannot survive unless we all join together

and fight this scheme.

Yes.

And we ought to do something positive.

Oh absolutely.

Like what?

Hey, well like um...

Perhaps you think we ought to organise

a petition to our MP.

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking off.

Towels are off.

No wait a minute.

Well so much for community spirit.

Ouzo and soda.

Is it a large one?

Oh very, and a retsina with a cherry in it.

How kind.

Because it's about the only practical thing we can do.

Yes, well what's it to be?

A carefully worded protest about houses

being pulled down for office blocks.

You can do anything in London except live.

London needs houses, not great concrete blocks.

I mean if our generation doesn't do anything about it,

there aren't gonna be any houses for the next generation.

I meant the drink.

Oh tomato juice please.

Tomato juice right.

- Jo? - Lager please.

A lager, okay.

I don't see the point in having a petition.

I mean if we don't sell our houses.

And none of us are gonna sell George.

- No. - No.

So what can they do?

A lager and a tomato juice please.

Of course we first acquired the taste for it

in a little bar near the Acropolis.

Oh yes.

Yeah, he's bonkers about the ancient Greeks.

Well it's such a marvellous civilization.

It's so civilised.

True, true, the friendship of an older man

for a lad was not misunderstood and frowned upon.

Quite, I think that Nigel here has rather the look

of an Apollo about him.

Yes, yes.

You know, the Michelangelo Apollo.

Put that statue on a motorbike and it's Nigel to a tee.

Quite and it's still a glorious country today

the wine, the sunshine, the music.

Do you like the bouzouki?

Nah, I prefer the Yamaha super bike.

His wit is a constant delight.

Hmm, and property you know it's so cheap there.

If one sold a tatty terraced house here

you could buy a villa there.

Still we don't want to spoil a social evening

talking about business do we.

Of course it's not the first time

this has happened you know.

I mean Hitler did his best to knock these houses down

during the war.

Oh yeah, they were good days them.

Oh my gawd.

Bombs raining down, shrapnel flying everywhere.

A man knew what he had to do.

In your case you couldn't stop yourself.

Yeah, he had to, he had to do his duty.

One of his favourite words.

Yeah well I was ARP warden for the whole block

and in my opinion Hitler knew this you see.

Well that's probably what made him lose his nerve

and turn on Russia.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Excuse me I've got to have a little chat with Larry.

Same again?

Yeah tah.

Barman, same again please.

Here listen it's been over two months.

What has?

You know, go on like this I'm gonna go blind.

Oh that.

Yeah that.

See listen the thing is I was thinking

about asking Jo if she fancied coming for a drive,

you know.

A drive?

Yeah why not.

Well don't muck about, does she or don't she?

Oh come on.

Good enough, say no more.

And they used to put this stuff in your tea you know,

so you'd keep your mind on the job.

Off the job George.

Hey?

Excuse me I'm just gonna have a quick word with Robin.

Then there were ration books, do you remember them?

No.

I know this great little spot on the river you see,

and you can park your car, hello Jo.

Hello.

Er, you er, got any plans for the rest of the evening.

Two ounces of butter, ounce of lard,

and a bit of meat oh, about that long.

That's what you used to get, weren't it love?

That's what I used to get George yes.

Oh excuse me I think I'll go and have a word with Jo.

Well George I think that's a new record.

You've bored three people away in two minutes,

well done love.

Just for a drive mind you, for fresh air.

Well yeah and a spot of supper somewhere.

Don't let him fool you Jo, your arms don't go inside

the safety bar.

Hysterical.

Hey where are they going?

Oh just for a ride, well a drive.

Actually that does give you and me a chance

to go back to the flat and you know get it together,

the petition I mean.

Got to go back and type it up haven't we.

Chrissy can't you finish this later,

you know when Jo gets back.

I thought the idea was to get on with it

while she's out.

Come on let's stop messing about.

I second that.

I mean let's stop messing about with the typing hmm.

Just sit back, relax, little drink hmm.

You can't hold out forever Chrissy.

What makes you think I have?

Well I don't.

Oh don't you.

Well yes, I mean yes, I do.

Oh do you.

Yeah, no, I do, sorry look can we start again.

Alright.

No, no, no, I didn't mean the typing.

I know what you meant.

Look it's alright for you, men can just turn it on,

a girl needs time, coaxing, chatting up.

Chrissy, I can't chat you up.

I mean how can you chat up someone you care for?

Someone you have a deep emotional feeling for.

How am I doing?

Honestly Larry I really don't feel like it.

Oh come on Jo, you'll really enjoy it honest.

But I don't like cod.

Oh well please yourself.

It's nice here aint it, got a sort of atmosphere.

Yes, vinegar and chip fat.

Sorry.

I've got a little confession to make to you Jo.

I was born a girl.

Pardon.

Yeah, and ever since the operation

I've not had a chance to find out if it works.

So I was thinking in the interests of medical science.

Full marks for originality.

Yeah?

Has anyone ever told you that you're terribly attractive

and have a wonderful way with women?

No, no they haven't.

Well where do you get the idea from?

Hey.

Oh look come on, take me home

and I'll make you a cup of coffee.

This is all a bit embarrassing Jo.

I mean I've got my reputation to think of.

Don't worry I won't tell anyone you didn't score.

I'll even recommend you to my friends.

Would yah, would you do that for me, really?

That's a better technique, pathos.

You should concentrate on that.

Where are you going?

Well if you're coming back for coffee I'm driving.

What for?

Because you're a mad driver, have you got the keys.

Here you handled one of these before?

No, all cars are the same aren't they.

Here mind, mind, oh nice.

Oh that's.

Oh nice, that's nice for the trousers.

- Robin? - Hmm.

Listen we should talk.

What now?

Yes now.

It's got to be now, before we get carried away.

Robin.

Alright what is it?

Well you and I, we've known each other

for some time now.

Well I don't think I'd be going too far if I said,

well, you fancy me.

No you wouldn't be going too far.

Well I've decided it's okay.

What is?

Well if you really meant what you said about caring,

it's okay.

Well then I mean why did you stop me?

Well I just wanted to say it's okay that's all.

Well that's great.

Wait a minute, no this is a bit of responsibility.

What is?

Well I mean you know, you're sort of,

you're putting it all onto me.

Well I thought that was what you wanted.

Oh yes I do, but I hadn't sort of thought on

talking it over before the you know, I mean beforehand.

Don't you dare lay a finger on me or I'll scream.

Oh that's better.

I take it back, I'm not recommending you

to any of my friends.

Yeah it wasn't my fault was it.

Bad timing Larry, this is not the moment.

Yeah well I didn't choose the bloody moment.

She chose the bloody moment, backed into the bloody lake.

Hey you're all wet.

I know that.

Well get those wet clothes off.

Not you, her.

What happened?

I don't know, I've got frogspawn in my bra.

I'm sorry about that mate.

Well I didn't know you were sort of.

Yeah well I didn't either if it's any consolation.

It isn't, yeah well, see you tomorrow hey.

Down a bit, left, left hand down a bit.

Right easy, easy, whoa that's it.

Right we'll get the locals to sign it first,

who shall we start with?

How about us?

Good thinking.

Jo.

Oh hello mate, here look I'm sorry about last night.

Just sign there.

Hey is Mr Gideon in this morning.

Yeah look, I'm sorry about last night.

Yeah I'm not, it was him and me against me

and I was losing.

Yeah, we'll go blind together hey.

Oh Jo, look I'm er...

He's sorry about last night.

Yeah.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

I must say it's been an absolute pleasure

doing business with you Mr Plutherow.

No, no, the pleasure is mine.

And thank you for that lovely record.

Yes well, plant an olive tree for me.

Good morning my dear.

Right, set it up.

Such a nice man, and so straight forward.

I've got the petition.

Oh.

Well that's nice aint it,

I'll have to find new digs now.

Here, how about if I moved in with you?

How about if you jumped back in the lake again.

Hey what did you say to him?

What, nothing, I just asked him to sign the petition.

Must have been the way that you said it.

We're going to be late for work, come on.

Okay, look we'll try and get some more signatures

in our lunch hour.

- Okay bye. - See yah.

Listen what do you know about the lady

who lives in number four?

- Miss Bird. - Yeah that's her.

You're not gonna go in there alone are you?

Well I've got to get her signature haven't I.

Best of luck mate, keep your legs crossed.

Here son, not going up to Miss Bird's flat are you?

Yeah.

Stick this outside her door will yah,

haven't got time this morning.

Psst, you're not going up to Miss Bird's flat are you?

Yeah.

Shove these through her box for me.

I'm a married man.

I'm terribly sorry I thought you were the dustman.

Oh no, no I'm Tripp, Robin, thank you, Tripp.

From number six, I've come about the, the petition here.

How fascinating.

Ticklish.

Well yeah just a little bit.

If you could please, if you could just sign.

They're not true you know, the rumours about me.

What rumours?

They're not true, people try to take advantage

of my warm nature.

I've got the pen here if you could just

put your signature.

While you're here, would you like to see what I do?

Oh no, thank you, no, not really.

I'm a potter.

Oh yes.

I make erotic soup bowls.

Oh, oh that's very, oh good God.

Take one, I don't know if you're in favour

of the permissive society.

Oh yes, yes I am but you know I just sort of feel

that it shouldn't be made compulsory.

The needs of a man and a woman are exactly the same.

Yes I know but I mean you, you women

can just sort of switch it on can't you,

but a man needs, needs time and coaxing,

and perhaps you'd prefer a pencil.

No I wouldn't.

Look, I'm sorry this is far too early for me.

It's not as if I don't appreciate

your very kind offer but it's, perhaps some other time

okay, terribly sorry, goodbye.

Bobba job miss, anything I can do for you?

No I don't think so, why don't you come back next year.

Did you get it then?

Bloody nearly, I hope the girls are getting

more signatures then I am.

Hey.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's a petition to,

it's a petition to save the Edwardian houses

on Middleton Terrace.

Hey?

It won't take a moment of your time.

Oh, it's half past one.

Oh excuse me would you mind signing this please?

Petition, is it anything to do

with bringing back hanging and flogging?

Um, no actually it's to do with a new office development.

Couldn't you add something about bringing back

hanging and flogging?

I don't think so, I think it might confuse the issue.

Excuse me.

Spiros, do sit down.

Nothing under half a million tonnes no.

And if necessary we could incorporate

a public amenity.

Raise the capital in Deutschmarks.

Perhaps the shell of a theatre,

easily converted into an underground carpark later.

I want you to go to Japan.

Yes but I'm in the middle of organising Middleton Terrace.

Stop making excuses and get on with it.

That's telling him sir.

I was talking to you Plutherow.

Yes well I have high hopes of finalising

the remaining properties by...

By the end of the month, I want the dozers in,

I can't keep capital tied up indefinitely.

Quite, quite.

I am as keen as yourself sir to see Plutherow House

on that site, and believe me.

Plutherow House?

Oh, whatever we, you, you, decide to call it.

I just thought it being my first real major project.

Nelson House.

Yes, yes, very apt sir, lovely ring to it.

After the seafaring gentleman?

After my wife's bassett hound.

Enoch will you stop doing that, behave yourself.

Excuse me.

What?

Oh put me down as a don't know.

Well you don't know what it's about yet.

That's what I just said, I'm a don't know.

Leave it alone Enoch.

Another 20 this evening.

Oh you're not counting the two Adolf Hitler's are you.

I'm not counting one, but the other one did

look a bit like him.

Ooh.

And what time do you call this?

Quarter to seven.

Exactly, and my

has been ready for the last half an hour.

Blimey we should have brought him some flowers.

I've done my best to save it

but I'm not promising you anything.

You are sweet.

You can't get round me like that.

Perhaps you'd like to join us.

Hey we better watch out, otherwise he'll go back to mother

Right, we're starting off with Lebanese cucumber soup.

Well give it a chance.

Followed by chicken with peach and ginger salad.

You're making it up.

Sorry.

We must be late, the soup's gone cold.

It's supposed to be cold.

I just don't know why I bother.

It's very nice.

Hey we only need a couple more signatures to make 1000.

Yeah I've still got to get the woman down the road,

you know the one with the poodle but she's never in.

Haven't been back to Miss Bird yet either.

There's no way I'm going too.

Coward.

Right.

You're having us on, she can't be as bad as all,

oh my goodness.

Oh thanks George, I could just do

with a nice cup of tea.

Oh yeah, well there's one in the pot.

I was thinking Mildred, perhaps we should

consider selling it.

What this?

It's all rust and rattles.

No, no, no I mean the house.

Think of the money we could make.

George, what good is money if you haven't got your health?

I have got my health?

You won't have if you sell my house.

22 years of marriage, all we've got to show for it

is our house.

Well it wasn't my fault, I went to the clinic.

They said it wasn't my fault.

Well it certainly wasn't mine.

I'd have liked children.

Look George you can't hit the jackpot

if you don't put the money in the machine.

I suppose you think that Arthur Mulgrove

could have done better?

Who?

Well that fella you keep going on about.

George I've mentioned him once in 22 years.

I don't call that going on, and the answer

to your question is yes he could have done better,

and no you're not gonna sell my house.

Hello.

Oh hello dears, how's it going?

people interested.

Yes I know how you feel.

Yeah, I hear that Plutherow fella

got to number three before you did?

Yeah, still he hasn't bothered anyone else.

Actually I haven't seen him for a few days.

Hey, do you think she's alright, look at this lot?

Perhaps she's ill.

Yes.

Oh hello, we were wondering if you'd like

to sign this petition against the development

of these houses.

Well I'll be off now Amelia.

It's been a real pleasure.

Must you go Morris?

Alas, I'm afraid so, business you know.

Hello.

He's such a wonderful man.

Mr Plutherow?

Yes, I'll find a pen would you like to step inside?

No, no I don't think I've got time.

Oh thank you.

Of course I don't own this house myself,

it belongs to a gentlemen friend.

Ah well perhaps you could ask him to sign it as well.

He doesn't live here dear, be your age.

Right I got the lady with the poodle to sign it,

how did you get on with Miss Bird?

How do you think?

We only need one more signature

and then we've got 1000.

There must be someone we know who hasn't signed it.

You're not going to believe this?

- Oh. - Stupid.

Oh do come in, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

I've been in the house, the Prime minister was speaking

for over an hour.

Oh really, what about?

He didn't say.

Do sit down.

I'm one of your constituents and I'd like you

to accept this petition to save six Edwardian houses

from being pulled down for an office block.

Oh very impressive, I don't know what

I'm expected to do.

Well you are President of the Preserve London Society.

Oh, oh that yes, my wife gets me involved

in the most extra...

A thousand people have signed this petition.

Well the people who live in...

Middleton Terrace.

Middleton Terrace, did you say Middleton Terrace?

Yes.

Near Columbia Square.

That's right.

I know it, charming little row of houses.

They can't pull that down.

A thousand signatures you say.

Alright, alright, hello.

Hello, hello darling, it's Poopsie.

I've been trying to ring you.

I've been to the poodle parlour,

are you coming round tonight love?

Well um, it's the wife's birthday sorry.

Oh but I've got a new gym slip specially.

Really.

And it's your size.

Well maybe just for five minutes.

I really rang to reassure you about this development

nonsense, I wish you would have told me darling.

But I haven't seen you for absolutely ages darling.

And you said never to ring you at home or your...

No, no quite, don't worry I'll put a stop to it.

Bang the drum a bit you know,

they don't like publicity these development boys.

Why not, you do?

Well that's different, don't want to be a back bencher

all me life, no harm in letting the public

know the things you do.

Not all the things you do.

Sauce box.

Is it green or navy blue.

And would the minister agree that the Middleton Terrace

scheme highlights the problem of profits before people?

The octopus of office development must be stopped

before inner London becomes a concrete desert.

Cries of here, here and shame.

Here I think I've got a bunion coming.

Sir Edmond then asked the minister for an assurance.

George, that only just missed me.

Oh sorry.

I've told you about not doing that in here.

One of these day's you're gonna have somebody's eyes out.

Alright well I'll do it in the kitchen then.

You will not, I've got a salad on the table.

Alright, alright.

Pig.

It's a big hooray for battling Sir Edmund,

and a swift Harvey Smith for the build 'em anywhere brigade

Great stuff, here's another bit.

Sir Edmund, President of the Preserve London Society

accepted a 1000 snigature petition.

That'll be the Guardian.

Right, from local residenets, and the society

are pressing the GLC for a preservation order.

I'll tell you another thing we can do

if the worst comes to the worst,

we could occupy the building.

We already occupy it we've got a lease.

Oh well so much better, it won't be illegal.

Is there anything in your paper?

Yeah, 38-24-36 has appeared in Crossroads,

the Benny Hill Show and hopes one day to be an actress.

Listen, does anybody fancy a game of something?

What cards?

No, no, no, not cards.

How about a little game of Monopoly.

Oh half the monies missing.

Well we don't have to play with money.

I mean, you know, we can play with something else.

Not strip Monopoly?

Why not.

Oh alright then, get the board out.

Alright.

Actually my grandad taught me how to play this,

I always win.

Very kind of you to see me Sir Edmund.

I'm afraid it won't do you much good Mr um, mr er,

Plutherow.

Plutherow.

I'm totally opposed to your scheme.

Yes indeed, you haven't spoken out so strongly for years.

Not since your great campaign against

purchase tax on gym slips.

Oh yes, well, I shall continue to speak out

on television tomorrow night.

I shall be putting the facts before the public.

Including the fact that you own one of the properties.

These faceless men, what?

Number five I think.

Um, yes well one has to have a house

in ones own constituency, I seldom use it myself.

No, Miss Hazel Lovett is I believe the occupier.

Ah, yes.

A friend of yours I presume.

Yes.

Or perhaps a friend of your good lady wife?

No.

Really.

Hey Mildred they've got next door.

They got all of them except ours.

Just think of the strong bargaining position it puts us in.

I mean if we were thinking of selling it, which we're not.

Well I'm going into town to buy myself

a sexy see through nightie.

What for?

I'll tell you what for George.

Because if ever I die a violent death

you stand a fair chance of recognising the body.

Silly bitch.

Typical of women that, selfish they are.

I mean when has she ever given me anything hey,

apart from you.

No I tell you Arthur, women they've got,

Arthur.

Good morning, Mr Roper.

Morris Plutherow, I wondered if I might have a word

with your lady wife and yourself.

Yeah well go through, she's out at the moment.

Oh what a pity, still I'm sure you and I,

man to man so to speak.

I was expecting this you know, follow me.

You need this house hey, the last one.

Puts me in a very strong bargaining position hey.

Um, no.

Well, of course I know all about these things.

How do you mean?

Well I really dropped in to apologise you see.

When we knock down the other five houses

it's bound to cause you a lot of inconvenience.

Dust, noise, possibly vermin,

reduce the value of your property.

Hang on, hang on I haven't refused to sell it.

No I'll sell it yeah, the same price

as you paid the others.

Done.

And you'll take it with the sitting tenants.

What sitting tenants?

Well them upstairs, they've got a three year lease.

Are you suggesting I knock down the bottom half

and leave them up there.

No, no, no, but it doesn't prevent you

buying the house does it.

How shall I put it Mr Roper, yes it does.

Which one of them actually signed the lease?

Good afternoon, well, well, well,

fancy seeing you of all people.

Plutherow, off to lunch are you?

Yes.

Well perhaps I could give you a lift,

or even buy you a lunch.

What for?

Oh come now, does there have to be a reason,

be my guest.

Any particular restaurant you fancy?

The Savoy Grill, the Ritz?

Do they take luncheon vouchers?

No I'm paying, I insist.

Why?

The pleasure of your company,

plus of course a small business matter to tidy up.

Carlton Towers?

No, I know a very nice little restaurant, straight on.

I thought I might add a touch more nutmeg you know,

just a gnats like, you know a subtle hint.

I mean if you think it's alright , if you don't just say so.

No, no, that'll be fine.

Great well I'll go wash me hands again.

I've been touching the flour.

Here you seen who just come in?

- 200 - Pounds.

Just for your lease.

What do you say hmm?

I'll tell you later,

I wouldn't like to spoil your lunch.

Ah come now.

Mr Plutherow, I'm a naive young girl.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh but it's what you were thinking.

Look you can't just buy people off.

Ah, idealism, I'm an idealist myself.

250.

There are other people living in that flat.

Loyalty, a rare quality, 300.

What's the going rate for motherhood and the flag?

I beg your pardon.

Is this the same fella you were telling me about?

Yeah, it's 'cause of him I've gotta look for a new pad.

I'll start with the avocado, will you excuse me.

Of course.

What's going on then?

Well not much, he's in the middle of trying to bribe me

into throwing you and Jo out on the streets.

I've been thinking and I've changed my mind.

Marvellous I knew you would.

I think I'll start with the beluga caviar instead.

Oh yes, um, yes, one caviar

and I'll have the prawn cocktail.

Right oh monsieur.

He's got a nerve, he really has.

What he needs is a knuckle butty.

The salmon salad, and a steak Diane for me.

Someone ought to teach him a lesson.

Right, what's he ordered then?

Well he's having a steak Diane.

Steak Diane, there's a lot you can do to a steak Diane.

What you gonna do?

I am going to add just a teeny bit too much

black pepper, that's what I'm going to do.

Oh, you can do a lot more to it then that mate.

Hey you're right, nip into the chemists next door.

Of course my mother wanted me to be a concert cellist

but I didn't have the knees for it.

So I went into property management.

From one big fiddle to another.

Oh very good, yes.

Caviar for mademoiselle, and prawn cocktail for monsieur.

Yes very artistic lady my mother.

She used to stand me on the piano in the parlour

to do Drakes Drum with gestures.

Was this recently?

Oh no, no, no.

Does your starter taste alright?

Hmm, delicious, how's yours?

Unusual flavour, exotic.

How's it going then chief?

Yes actually I think I'll cut down on the brandy.

Here try some of that instead, syrup of figs.

Oh come on, no come on you can't do that

to a steak Diane, I mean it's just, you can.

Castor oil, just a dollop for the flavour.

Why not.

Here, bung some of that in as well alright.

What is it?

Epsom salts.

Why not.

Oh my God.

Look I know you're only doing your job.

Yes.

It's underhand, it's sneaky, it's rotten

but it is your job.

Well.

And you could go up to 400.

400.

And the answer would still be no.

Oh.

Very rich this sauce, picot even.

Actually now I think we might have gone a bit

too far here, it says use half a teaspoon full.

Still nothing seems to be happening.

That's what they said about Kracatoa.

Look perhaps I just sort of better go out there,

stroll out there and sort of casually mention that,

it's not an easy thing to bring up

in a casual conversation is it.

Hardly.

If you really wanted too you could stop it.

Oh, I don't think I could my dear.

The whole thing is too far advanced.

We've agreed terms with five of the houses.

So you're going to pull them down?

Oh I am indeed.

Does your coffee taste alright?

Fine.

Must be me.

Look I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll make one final offer of,

excuse me a minute.

Hello.

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Where was I?

In there.

Oh no, no, what was I saying?

You were about to make a final offer.

Ah yes.

And I was about to refuse it.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, excuse me a minute.

What right away?

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting sir.

Had to stop off once or twice on the way.

Did you get all the houses?

Yes, yes, almost.

Not quite, no.

Small problem with sitting tenants at number six,

troublemakers.

Communists?

No worse, idealists.

Hmm.

Public relations tells me we're not getting

a good press Plutherow.

Ah, yes, well, I can't.

Will you excuse me a moment sir.

Sit down.

This could affect my knighthood.

Spiros.

It may be personal sir, I'll just leave you to.

Stay.

Hold on, I'm also informed from a reliable source

that the GLC will grant a preservation order

at their next meeting.

Speak.

- Um. - Yes.

Yes, he's here with me now.

No I haven't told him, yet.

Public relations again.

What, what haven't you told me sir?

Morris you know I've always liked you.

Don't say that sir.

But I've been asked to appear on television this evening,

to defend our, your Middleton Terrace development.

Not an easy task sir.

No, no, that's why I'm not going to do it.

Wise, wise, wise.

You are, and you will disarm any criticism

of the project.

How?

By telling them it's cancelled.

Yes but, but why.

On environmental and moral grounds.

A sincere gesture to public opinion.

And because a certain incompetent was unable

to knock down all six houses

before a preservation order was planted on them.

If I was able to get all the houses,

I could still...

Six o'clock tonight Morris, I'll be watching.

And should my name come up,

don't forget to stress that I give a lot to charities.

Anonymously, children's charities, no, no, make it dogs.

Plutherow where are you going?

Not in my private washroom, Plutherow.

Thames Television, Eastern Road.

No, stop off at Middleton Terrace, number six.

Oh it's you, come in.

Mr Roper, I'll buy it.

Hey, you mean with the sitting tenants?

Yes, yes, I don't think they'll stay long

once I've knocked down the staircase.

Sign this, there, there and there.

Can I use your washroom facilities?

You what, you mean the bog?

Yes.

Oh yeah, it's straight through there.

All I need now is a pen.

Oh God, those tube trains in the rush hour.

All those men, pressing up against you.

You can't move, they're breathing in your ear,

ooh it was lovely.

Very nice I'm sure.

By the way I got my see through nightie though.

There, I bet that'll send your blood pressure up.

Oh yeah.

In fact I'm sure of it, look at the price tag.

Cor, struth.

Oh and what have you got here?

Oh, yeah.

If you've signed it I'll just, oh afternoon.

I see.

Well he did try to make me sign it my love,

but I didn't.

You turned down 400 pounds, I think that's really daft.

Yeah but it's nice it's worth.

Oh don't you believe it I was holding out for 500

but he left.

Go on, out.

Mrs. Roper.

Coming in here, baffling my poor greedy little husband

like that, here, get out.

Mr. Roper, this is your last opportunity.

If you do not take it I shall go on television tonight

and cancel the whole project.

- What? - It's true, look.

Hey that's great.

Fantastic.

That's exactly what we want, isn't it George?

Think, think of my wife and children.

That's them there, look, look.

If their daddy doesn't make a success of this,

what will happen to the little mites?

Oh my Gawd.

It's not easy when your father is a failure.

Your hard you people, hard.

Just see him to his car.

No George, you just get in there.

You can have your photograph back Jenkins.

Afternoon, how are you feeling?

Huh.

Thought you might be.

Thames Television, Euston Road.

So we cancel one project, there'll be others for me.

You have your ear to the ground Jenkins,

you know who's on the way up and who's on the way out,

don't you.

Oh.

That's it George, we won.

What's the name of that programme he's on?

Today six o'clock.

We must watch it.

Get the sherry out George, we deserve a little celebration.

Oh hello.

Hello love, where's everybody?

Oh they're in the kitchen.

We were wondering whether you'd like to join us for a,

All that money.

I think we owe quite a lot to Mr. Roper.

After all if he'd sold the house where would we be now.

Visiting him in hospital love.

It just shows you when ordinary men and women

get together and put their minds to it,

they can really do things.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

So will I, oh hello, never mind dear

there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.

I've only got sherry.

Oh nothing like a pint of draught sherry.

Oh now come on, If I get whisky in George drinks it.

George!

- Here are dear. - Lovely thank you.

Come on, come on.

George!

Where's he going?

Just a minute, I've got an idea.

There, I was right, here look.

That's where he's going, well come on.

George, oh you, George, where you going?

This is where Plutherow's gone.

That's a bit of luck, left the keys in the car.

Come on Jo, quick.

Shall we ask him first?

I'm sure he won't mind.

Oy!

Yes sir, I'll fix that up.

Just a minute, very good sir.

I've got to see a man, that's his Rolls outside.

He's going on the, what's his name, the Today programme.

That's studio three sir.

Just a minute, do you have a ticket?

What, no, just step aside I'm in a hurry.

Unless you've got a ticket you can't go in there.

Now don't you come that with me, I know your sort.

Oh do you.

I pay my licence, jumped up twit.

Is this absolutely necessary?

Yes love, I mean we don't want your nose flaring do we.

Oh dear, I do hope we don't get any strobeing

off those wrinkles.

Ah Sir Edmund, oh, looking a bit peaky.

How do you do.

Hold it, hold it, where do you think you're going?

Um, I'm a vicar,

I'm a freaked out hippy swinging vicar

of St. Theresa's of the Roses

and I'm doing the epilogue interviewing

Miss World, Miss World here.

I'm interested in travel and meeting people,

and religion, which way's the Today studio?

Have any of you got any tickets?

We want to catch my husband, before he gets into...

What?

Arthur.

Hey.

Arthur Mulgrove.

Mildred, Mildred Asquith.

Oh Arthur.

Mildred.

Do you think those two know each other?

- Arthur. - Mildred.

Well, well, well, Arthur.

Fancy that, my Mildred.

Stop it, stop it you here me or you'll go blind.

Excuse me.

Who are you?

Mr. Roper.

What a good memory you've got.

Oh thank you, I'm looking for Today.

Today, this is Today, here with us all day today.

No, no, no.

All day today, you're standing on it.

All these walls are today.

No, I mean the studio.

General direction, it's all the general

direction of today.

No, no, studio three.

Studio three?

Straight up here, left, and left again,

left again, and then left again.

Then I'll be there?

No, you'll be back here but by then

somebody might be here who knows the way.

Got to get these things out.

Yes well I kept your photograph with me

all through the Malayan campaign wrapped up in...

Oh Arthur, here I named my budgie after you.

Oh Mildred.

I would have replied to your letters,

but you never wrote any.

Oh, well I didn't want my feelings for you

going through the Army sensor now did I.

I didn't know, well then you see I took up

with this butchers boy.

Oh, anything ever come of that then?

Oh no, nothing at all, I married him.

Tell Bill three minutes to go if he wants too.

Sir Edmund Weir, how do you do sir.

What?

Good lord, well I didn't expect this,

what a surprise, yes.

You certainly had me fooled.

No sir Edmund, this is not your life,

this is just the programme script sorry.

Mr Plutherow, how do you do sir.

How do you do, may I...

No, I'm afraid you can't.

We'll go blind, blind you hear me.

Oh excuse me.

Of course anything for a sailor.

Autographs right.

I didn't really want your autograph.

The new accupuncture, see through autograph.

I wanted your autograph.

Sorry can you tell us where studio three is.

Of course, you go straight up there

until you get to Stoke on Trent and ask again.

I think you're very funny and you really make me laugh.

I'm sure actually he doesn't want to know about that.

Shut up, kung fu, go and streak somewhere else.

Carry on, tell me more.

Excuse me but do you,

No, no, no white will win in the end.

No chance Jack, black will win in the end.

- White. - Black.

I've been doing these chess problems for years,

white may be a pawn down but his...

Excuse me, do you know, here you're,

I know you, you're Sambo the Nig-nog,

straight out of the jungle.

Just a minute do you mind.

You mustn't talk to my friend like that.

Well you do on the telly.

He gets paid for it.

I mean you're just as bad, you call him

white honky and snowflakes.

Do you know the way to studio three?

That way.

Tah.

Dear, dear, dear, what you having mate?

Think I fancy a white lady.

Pardon.

John on two, look I know you're a tit man love

but let's photograph the money hey.

Thank you on to Bill, thank you.

2:45, stand by tele cine.

Let me in, I've got to see...

Are you one of the invited audience sir?

Yeah, yeah.

Alright get in there, behave yourself

in an orderly fashion, no fidgeting, no smoking.

Right.

And be quiet.

I'm sorry.

I em, I trust you're not going to say a word

about Hazel.

Miss Lovett, I wouldn't want the world to know

that I've been keeping a young lady in number five.

No you wouldn't would you.

10 seconds to go, good luck boys and girls.

Nine, eight, seven, roll tele cine.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Good evening and welcome to tonight's edition

of the Today programme.

We're going to devote the whole of this evening

to the Middleton Terrace controversy,

a project which really has highlighted the scandal

of homes being swept away

and replacing them by office blocks.

With me in the studio I have Sir Edmund Weir.

Good evening.

And Mr Morris Plutherow.

It's more then my jobs worth.

Couldn't you just let us sneak in quietly?

It's very important.

I'm not allowed to let you in.

I'm not allowed to smoke on duty either,

or accept gratuities.

Um, perhaps.

Ah well the programme has started but perhaps.

Fairy Liquid voucher.

Well I've got some press cuttings here gentlemen,

here's one, these property leeches, I'm quoting now.

These property leeches must be plucked

from the fair body of England's capital.

We shall fight them on the planning committees,

we shall fight them on the local councils.

We shall never surrender until this misbegotten

project is cancelled.

Your own words Sir Edmund, you still stand by them?

Well,

no. - No.

Mr Plutherow, you of course believe that this development

is socially necessary and must go ahead?

Well, no.

No, I see, well there we have the respective positions.

Hey, there's Roper.

Later in the programme there'll be questions

from the studio audience but in the mean time

if I understand the position correctly.

You sir are now in favour of the offices,

and you are against them.

Yes and no.

Who the hell's that?

Fred be a poppet and get him out will you.

Not altogether.

He's got the agreement.

You see Bill we property people are misunderstood.

For instance I have here the plans,

the office development permit.

I just wanted a word with him,

he's got what he wants.

Evening.

And the agreements equitably arrived at

by five of the householders including

Oh yes, but my superior Mr Spiros,

a man who has given several children to dogs charities,

anonymously of course and who is very anxious

about his knighthood has decided to cancel

the whole project on environmental grounds.

So it only remains for me to publicly

tear this lot up, and announce that compensation

will be paid to each and every.

Number six.

Oh isn't that a lovely sight.

Right, hey.

Morning.

Chrissy, have you ever,

have you ever played chess?

Yes my grandma taught me.

Forget it.

Ah well at least everybody's getting compensation.

Everyone except the Ropers.

Oh I don't know, I think Mrs Roper might be getting some.

There's his taxi George.

Are you going to help him in with his luggage.

Stuff his luggage, I don't know

what we want a lodger for anyway.

Arthur.

Oh marvellous to see you.

Morning Mildred.

Morning love, come on inside,

George is just dying to see you.

You're looking lovely.

I know.

Is that the game where you try to huff people?

No, no, no, no, that's draughts.

Oh well then I can't play chess.

Can't you.

Well you see it's a very simple game.

But first of all you must find out

the value of the pieces you see.

Now say for instance here we have a pawn.

Pawn.

Pawn that's right, and that's worth a pair of tights, see.

Here we have a bishop and that's got to be worth a skirt.

And here we have the queen.

Queen.

Queen yes, and that's got to be worth,

well we'll sort that out some other time.

But you see the whole object of the game

is to try to mate.

♪ I've always had it easy with a man about the place ♪

♪ Steaming up the mirror when I'm making up my face ♪

♪ He's just a friend, a helping hand ♪

♪ A ready willing smile ♪

♪ But could it be that love has been here ♪

♪ On my doorstep all the while ♪

♪ But it's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ Must rearrange things, not to estrange him ♪

♪ Now I know ♪

♪ With all the little things we've shared and said ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪