Original subtitles

[ Ted Narrating ] In December of 2010,

my friends and I decided to go see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen.

It seemed like something we all needed.

After all, it had been a crazy couple days.

It all started with a pregnancy test.

This is taking forever. Are you sure you did it right?

Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Can I ask you a question that's plagued me for years? Can girls aim?

Um, can boys aim?

'Cause it seems to me like I'm takin' a mop to that bathroom floor every two days.

Okay, you're the one who put the Far Side calendar up over the toilet.

You know I laugh with my whole body.

[ Gasps ] It's been two minutes.

[ Both Exhale ]

[ Together ] One, two, three.

It's positive.

It's positive? It's positive?

It's positive. It's positive? It's positive!

[ Both Screaming ] It's positive!

- I'm pregnant. - [ Robin ] What?

I've never seen that woman before in my life.

Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!

To Lily and Marshall.

To Lily and Marshall. Well, thank you.

We've never been happier. Mmm.

Can't imagine anything bringing me down right now.

- You're not pregnant. - [ Gasps ]

Well, that did it.

** [ Upbeat Pop ]

** [ Man Vocalizing ]

** [ Ends ]

[ Ted Narrating ] Kids, this is the story...

of the 36 hours we all thought Lily was pregnant...

and how it caused each of us to reexamine our own lives.

Because while this was happening--

Are you sure you did it right?

I was on the phone with Punchy, my best friend from high school,

who had recently asked me to be his best man.

Yeah, Punchy, I've given this some serious thought.

I think I know how we can crush these floral arrangements.

Here it comes. Hit me up, Schmos.

Peonies, lavender blossoms with a halo of baby's breath...

for an ambience of springtime rejuvenation.

Crushed it!

That's exactly the accent of whimsy this celebration of love needs!

[ Voice Quavering ] It's gonna be a magical day.

I know what you're thinkin'. "I wish I was a dude."

I do wish you were a dude.

Because if I was a dude, I could have Ted Mosby as my best man.

No. And here's why.

Ted, the best man's job...

is not to crush the floral arrangements.

It's to get the groom down the aisle.

Because no matter who he is, he will freak out.

I just don't think you have what it takes to get that soldier...

to pick up his rifle and charge up the hill.

Uh, are you forgetting? I've done this before. I was Marshall's best man.

And how did that go again?

[ Screaming ] No!

0 for 1.

Oh, come on. That wasn't my fault.

And need I remind you, I gave a beautiful toast.

- Ted. - [ Screaming ]

O, do you take One to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Oh, God, I'm freakin' out.

Why did I choose Ted to be my best man?

Uh, yeah, it's hard to take criticism from someone...

who just recorded seven episodes of Million Dollar Heads or Tails.

[ Ted Narrating ] Kids, Million Dollar Heads or Tails was an extremely popular show...

with an extremely simple premise.

All right, your practice flip came up tails,

but our Vegas oddsmaker tells us that the next toss is still just 50-50.

And so, Jordan, for one million dollars--

heads or tails?

[ Audience Shouting ] Tails! Heads! Tails!

What was the year of the coin again?

Why the sudden obsession with Heads or Tails?

Well, it turns out that Heads or Tails has a job opening.

[ Audience Shouting ] Heads! Tails! Ta-- Heads.

Marni, flip that coin.

[ Groans ] [ Audience Gasping ]

So now because of that incident, Heads or Tails is looking for a new...

"currency rotation specialist."

- You mean "coin flip bimbo"? - They're not bimbos.

You auditioned, didn't you?

- And you're Canadian? - Mm-hmm.

Robin, aside from that coin, this is the other thing that's flipping right now.

What is my lid for you?

You're the new coin flip bimbo?

Currency rotation specialist.

Robin, you better check yourself...

before you Trebek yourself.

- You're a journalist. What is the matter with you? - It's a national audience.

I get to wear shiny dresses.

Robin, have you forgotten about your New Year's resolution?

I'm never drinking again.

No, before that.

I am gonna finish this whole bottle tonight.

Before that too.

I moved here...

to work for a big-time cable news channel like World Wide News.

Well, by this time next year,

I will be wearing a World Wide News I.D. badge around my neck.

And to show you that I'm serious,

this is my first and only drink of the night.

Okay. Okay?

Oh, damn, that's smooth.

I thought you finally got that interview at World Wide News.

Well, I did.

But they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job.

Which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career.

So could Heads or Tails.

The first currency rotation specialist...

went on to be a semifinalist on The Bachelor.

And then she lost, like, a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser.

And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

[ Ted Narrating ] It seemed like there was no changing Robin's mind.

But what we didn't realize was that in a few minutes...

our whole world was going to be turned upside-down.

- I'm pregnant. - What?

Now, kids, when your friends have great news, you're happy for them...

for, like, a millisecond.

And then you start thinking about yourself.

[ Thinking ] Oh, my God. They're really having a baby.

What am I doing with my life?

Starting Monday, I'm a currency rotation sp--

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a coin flip bimbo.

And I'm still single.

Okay, let's not go there, Scherbatsky. That's a whole other thing.

I gotta take that World Wide News job.

[ Ted Narrating ] And so the next night, we had two things to celebrate.

Well, you are looking at the new associate researcher at World Wide News.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my gosh! That's amazing news.

What changed your mind? Marshall and Lily.

I just realized that I am about to have a little niece who looks up to me,

and I don't wanna be sad Aunt Robin,

the aging coin flip bimbo who gives her the creeps.

I wanna be cool Aunt Robin,

the respected journalist who gives her beer.

- What? - What? Oh--

I have never seen you guys looking so at peace.

- [ Both Exhale ] - To Lily and Marshall.

To Lily and Marshall. Well, thank you.

I mean, we've never been happier.

[ Ted Narrating ] The next day, Robin called Heads or Tails to respectfully decline.

Hi. Mr. Trebek, um, this is Robin Scherbatsky.

- But at that moment-- - You're not pregnant.

[ Both Gasping ]

As honored as I am by the offer, um-- [ Phone Chirping ]

[ Beep ]

[ Thinking ] Oh, my God. They're not having a baby.

What am I getting all up in my head about?

That research job sounds hard.

And I'm pretty. I'm really, really pretty.

[ Chuckles ]

You are looking at the new coin flip bimbo.

[ Imitating Gunfire ]

Whoosh!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

You took the Heads or Tails job? Yeah.

What about World Wide News? Your I.D. badge?

You made a New Year's resolution.

Okay, I also said I would never make out with a garbageman.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

What's with the gingerbread house?

We're seeing a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas-themed movie snack. Mmm.

Let's hope Santa brings you a girlfriend this year, Teddy.

[ Muttering ]

Where the hell is Barney?

[ Ted Narrating ] Where was Barney? Let's back up again.

You see, while this was going on--

It's positive. It's positive?

this was happening.

And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

Hey, guys.

A yuletide riddle.

What is my second-favorite word that begins with B-O-N?

Bon Jovi?

What is my third-favorite word that begins with B-O-N?

[ Imitates Buzzer ] "Bonus."

As in my end-of-the-year bonus check.

My God!

Barney, I work for GNB too.

All I got was a $15 gift card to Costa Coffee.

And you earned it, buddy.

Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself.

The Dibiase.

See those pinstripes-- diamonds.

It is the uppest a person could ever suit.

Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?

Charity?

You're seriously talking to me about charity, dude? I am Mr. Charity.

I frequently sleep with sixes,

chubsters, over-30s.

I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Hey, guys. Hey.

- Big announcement. - Let me guess. You got a huge bonus check too.

No, just a $30 gift card to Costa Coffee.

- Thirty? - I'm pregnant.

- [ Gasps ] - What?

I've never seen that woman before in my life.

Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!

[ Thinking ] Huh.

Marshall and Lily are doing something meaningful,

and it's making me less happy about this bonus.

And I'm still single. At least I got that goin' for me.

So why do I still feel outside of awesome looking in?

What am I doing with my life?

We've never been happier. Mmm.

Can't imagine anything bringing me down right now.

Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy. Just wait.

Because tonight...

is Barney's favorite things!

** [ Disco ] [ Cheering, Screaming ]

[ Ted Narrating ] That was the reaction Barney expected.

...things! This is the one he got.

- Huh? - I don't know what that is.

Barney's favorite things.

I'm gonna give y'all a bunch of free stuff.

- Like Oprah. - [ Marshall ] Oh.

Just get excited, okay?

Sure. [ Ted Narrating ] The next hour got pretty weird.

Velour tracksuits! [ Cheering ]

Velour is so comfortable. These are so soft!

Remote control helicopters!

Condoms!

And last but not least,

there is a fleet of limos outside...

waiting to take us to...

a strip club!

You get a lap dance!

You get a lap dance!

You are gonna give me a lap dance!

Everybody gets a lap dance!

Amazing! It was like a diamond suit for my soul.

I gotta keep going. I gotta do more.

No. No. I cannot go back to that strip club.

I've seen some things.

I'm not going back either.

I'm takin' the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

[ Ted Narrating ] The next day, he paid a visit to the most charitable man he knew,

his half-brother's father-- Sam Gibbs, a minister at a church out on Long Island.

Sam-- Uh, Father.

I-I don't mean Father Father.

Unless-- What's up, Barney?

I'm thinking about giving some money to charity.

Is that the name of the stripper you been e-mailing me about?

You gotta take me off that list, Barney.

No, I don't mean that Charity.

That Charity is doin' Peachy.

You'll see pics of the two of 'em in next week's e-mail. What up!

Barney, I'm a minister.

Unsubscribe.

I-- I recently started giving,

and it felt surprisingly good.

I wanna do more. Well, now you're talking.

We have this program that helps those in need get back on their feet.

We give them food, a place to live, clothes for job interviews.

Well, I would love to help by writing a check...

for one-zero-zero-zero--

- You're not pregnant. - [ Both Gasping ]

zero-- [ Phone Chirps ]

Whoops. Hold on a second.

[ Thinking ] Wait!

They're not doing something meaningful with their lives.

Well, this changes everything.

Oh, no. I've already written four zeros.

[ Gasps ] Thank you, decimal point.

$100.00.

That's great.

Thank you, Barney.

Diamond suited up.

Hey, Ted, can you spot me for the movie?

I don't like to carry a lot of cash on me.

What happened to giving the money away?

That was back when Lily was pregnant. Now she's not.

Ergo, a suit is born. [ Chuckles ]

Dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? You look ridiculous.

It's a Christmas-themed movie snack.

Oh, I know that move.

You cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree.

* O holy night *

Nice.

Where the hell are Marshall and Lily?

[ Ted Narrating ] Let's back up one last time.

- I'm pregnant. - [ Robin ] What?

I've never seen that woman before in my life.

Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!

[ Thinking ] This is great. I'm happy.

I'm so happy my heart's pounding.

And I'm sweating. And I can't breathe.

This is what happiness feels like, right?

Oh, crap. Lily's having a baby, and I'm having a panic attack.

- I hope she can't tell what I'm thinking right now. - [ Thinking ] I can.

And I'm freaking out too!

There's an alien growing in my stomach that's gonna explode out of my vagina!

- Do you think the others can tell we're freakin' out? - What am I doing with my life?

What am I doing with my life?

I should get a Christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night.

They're totally on to us. What do we do?

Just keep smiling. Maybe wave.

No, don't wave! That makes no sense!

I'm committed. I'm riding this wave straight to hell.

Let's leave. Then the waving will make sense.

See you guys tomorrow. [ Ted Narrating ] So Lily and Marshall headed home.

Lily, we have to relax. There's no need to panic.

True, there's a lot to do, but we've got nine months to prepare.

So I say we make a list of everything that needs to get done before the baby arrives...

and do everything on that list tonight!

Let's do it! [ Screaming ]

Uh-huh. Got it.

Okay. That seems easy.

Nursery's painted.

- Blue? What if it's a girl? - Damn it!

** [ Man Singing: Rock ]

* It's the time and the place *

* Why all these lights popping off in my face? *

* Or am I freakin' out? Freakin' out? *

* Freakin' out? Freakin' out? Freakin' out? **

Oh, God, it's 8:00. We're supposed to meet the gang at the bar to celebrate.

Oh, God. Okay, listen. When we meet them, we have to keep it together.

Can you keep it together? No, I can't keep it together!

[ Robin ] I have never seen you guys looking so at peace.

- [ Both Exhale ] - To Lily and Marshall.

To Lily and Marshall. Well, thank you.

I mean, we've never been happier.

This is a nightmare! We've done everything wrong!

[ Gasping ] The iPod was on shuffle!

The Jerky Boys.

Our baby heard The Jerky Boys!

- The Jerky Boys are funny. - The Jerky Boys aren't funny! They are awful!

Fine. If you don't think The Jerky Boys are funny,

then I'm not sure that I can raise a child with you, liver lips!

[ Gasps ]

- Marshall, I don't like this. - I know.

Okay? I don't like it either.

It's like I have a hot, burning ball of stress in my chest...

and nothing will make it go away!

- You're not pregnant. - Well, that did it.

I know this probably comes as quite a disappointment.

Yeah.

Huge bummer.

So disappointing.

- * Snow on the ground Snow in the-- * - Hey. You guys okay?

Yeah. Why wouldn't we be?

Oh, the baby thing.

Oh, yeah. Whatever.

Oh, Christmas-themed movie snack. Nice.

[ Laughing ] Don't reach into the living room.

Wow. I thought you guys would be devastated.

Oh. You know, we're actually kind of relieved.

We were freakin' out for about a day and a half there.

Yeah. This whole thing got us thinking,

maybe we're not ready for kids yet after all.

- We were thinking maybe we'd just get a dog. - Get a puppy!

Can you imagine? You could put it in little human shirts--

[ Yelling ] Whoa!

- Our movie snack. - Are you kidding me?

All you ever talk about is having kids!

And now you have one little freak-out and you wanna get a dog instead?

No. Unacceptable.

You're gonna turn around, you're gonna go home, get naked,

lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child.

Right now!

I'm serious! Go! Go! Go!

[ Singsong ] Marshall and Lily got in trouble.

- And you! - Ooh.

- Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. - [ Gasps ]

You're gonna go get your money back and give it to charity.

And I don't mean that stripper you keep e-mailing us about,

even though we beg you to take us off that list.

I can't give this suit back.

Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.

Criminals of New York, attention!

This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit!

You can retire on the pants alone!

Merry Christmas!

[ Stammering ]

So, if I get a large popcorn, you wanna go splitskies, or--

And you.

You did not move to the greatest city on earth...

to become a coin-flipping bimbo.

So here's how it's gonna work.

Heads, you take the job at World Wide News.

Tails, you take the job at World Wide News.

[ Coin Rings ] Ow!

Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Fine. I'll call 'em tomorrow.

I'll call 'em right now!

[ Phone Ringing ] God.

[ Beep ] Hello.

- Ted, I can't get married! - Yes, you can! You love her!

You're right. I do. Thanks, Ted!

One for It's a Wonderful Life, please.

[ Men ] * Christmastime is here again *

Thank you.

* All this joy for girls and boys *

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

We're idiots. This kid doesn't stand a chance.

We're ready for this. We're ready for this.

Wow!

That's a lot of zeros.

You're sure you're not missing a decimal point? Nope.

And that's the tour. Uh, staff meeting's at noon. You'll meet everyone there.

But first you need to head down to Security.

You need to get your picture taken for your I.D. badge.

* Merry Christmas *

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

You sure?

Positive.

There's more. Do you still do that thing...

where you give people in need clothes for job interviews?

Yeah. Why? Bring 'em in, boys.

* Bring out the joy *

* Light up the tree *

Merry Christmas.

Thank you, son.

Son? It's just an expression. I'm still not your dad.

* Merry *

* Christmas **

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Congratulations.

You know, that was really cool what you did.

When we all needed it, you got us back on the right path.

It's what I do.

Ted, if I, um-- if I ever get married-- and you're not the guy I'm marrying--

Big mistake. But go on.

I could really use someone like you.

You know, in case I freak out-- when I freak out.

You interested?

Are you asking what I think you're asking?

Ted, will you be my best man?

Scherbatsky, I'm gonna crush it.

Let me look at this. Can we not?

How do you even make-- I've never seen you make that face.

Hi there. We've had a lot of fun tonight.

But on a more serious note,

this is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving.

And there's no greater gift than the gift of booty.

So this holiday season,

why not bang someone in need?

I'm Barney Stinson, and that's-- [ Bell Tinkles ] one to grow on.

Um, no.

Hi there. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight.