Original subtitles

(groaning)

(sobbing)

(shrieking)

hera: poor callisto. such rage unfulfilled.

who are you?

a fan.

your crusade against xena was so vibrant.

too bad it had to end unsatisfied.

look at you.

(laughing) hera?

afraid to show your ugly face?

(laughing)

your irreverence endears you to me, like a pet.

what do you want?

to see you smile again.

i offer you another chance

to carry on your mission against xena.

i'm listening.

i'll give you one more day of life

and a chance at immortality.

but if you fail, you're back here forever.

what do i have to do?

kill my bastard stepson,

the man who redeemed your mortal enemy.

hercules?

(laughing wickedly)

(hera laughing)

man: ah, there's nothing like the first day of spring, is there?

iolaus: oh, what a beautiful day!

sun shining, nature blooming.

(gasps) nature blooming.

(chuckles)

come on, hercules. cheer up. it's your birthday.

(sighs) don't remind me.

what is your problem? you look great. for a man of your age.

what are you talking about? you're older than i am.

yeah, i know. but i'm smaller, you see.

so not as much surface area exposed to the elements.

hercules! iolaus!

let me be the first to extend my best wishes

on this, your special day.

oh. thanks, falafel.

i made a delicious cake for the party.

you like chocolate, yes?

i love chocolate. what party?

uh, the other great big party. falafel?

iolaus?

what's the matter? iolaus, you don't look so good.

yeah. it was supposed to be a surprise.

(gasps) oh, no.

oh, my sincerest apologies. i didn't know.

that's okay. neither did i.

(clears throat) yes, well. if you'll excuse me,

i must go stuff a chicken.

bye.

(falafel chuckling)

oh, come on, herc.

what's one more birthday in a long line of birthdays?

(laughs) you're very funny today.

listen, alcmene wanted to have a little celebration.

i think it will be great, you know. it'd cheer you up.

look, i don't mean to sound ungrateful,

but ever since hera destroyed my family, i'm just not too excited

about celebrating birthdays anymore.

yeah, well, i understand,

but you know, you have to realize

there are other people around who care for you,

wanna celebrate with you. iphicles, your mother, me.

huh?

(laughs) okay.

there you go! see? smiling.

little lines crinkle up round your eyes.

yeah, i better go. yeah, you better.

oh, oh, so remember alcmene's at noon.

and, uh, try to act surprised, okay?

i'll act surprised.

wrinkles.

you know, hercules isn't the easiest person to shop for.

yeah. you know, he gave away the present i got for him last year.

(laughs) oh, yeah.

thank you.

do you think he’ll be surprised?

oh, i'm sure he will.

yeah, well, i certainly haven't told anybody.

i'll get the food.

i hope he likes his presents.

hey, don't worry about it, mom.

you've done a great job.

everything looks beautiful, darling.

woman: excuse me.

i'm sorry to intrude, but i couldn't find a guard to announce me.

we're having a celebration.

we sent them home for the day. who are you?

callisto: i've come to pay my respects.

last year, my family was attacked

on the road to macedonia.

my husband was killed.

my child and i, we would have surely died

if hercules hadn't come along.

wait. where'd you say this was?

i'd heard it was his birthday.

i just wanted to leave a small gift.

you poor dear.

come. join us.

oh, no. i wouldn't dream of imposing.

oh, please. you make yourself right at home.

now, would you care for a drink?

yes, thanks.

falafel: try one of these.

iphicles: oh, they look great. thank you, my friend.

alcmene: you've outdone yourself, falafel.

(sizzling)

(all chattering indistinctly)

iphicles: you should be in charge of all royal feasts.

more punch, anyone?

hello? is anybody here?

(scoffs)

"act surprised."

surprise.

(laughing wickedly)

narrator: this is the story of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

only one man dared to challenge their power.

hercules.

hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

he journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

but wherever there was evil,

wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be hercules.

(screeching)

(growling)

(roaring)

(all cheering)

mother! mother! can you hear me?

my, my.

looks like somebody spiked the punch.

glad, i don't drink.

you've never witnessed the effects of xanthalian venom before, have you?

it affects the mind,

makes the victims susceptible to their wildest imaginings.

by sunset, your friends will be driven mad.

well, that's if they don't kill each other first.

there is an antidote but it's very rare.

what do you want?

safe passage through the labyrinths of the gods

to the tree of life.

one bite of the fruit cures any illness...

or madness.

and a whole one makes you immortal.

we have so much to celebrate,

your birth and my rebirth.

oh!

my name's callisto.

callisto?

impossible. callisto's dead.

hera was kind enough to grant me one day's reprieve.

you see, we need each other, hercules.

i don't have the strength to defeat the labyrinths' traps,

and you won't find your way without me.

nice pants.

you're insane.

just misunderstood.

shall we go, partner?

after so little time together, it's funny i feel like i know you.

you don't.

the fates brought us together.

although, i have to admit,

you're not at all how i imagined you to be.

how disappointing!

oh, not at all.

on the contrary, i couldn't be more pleased.

that look, back in your castle?

the fire and the hate?

i wonder, did you wear that same look

when you watched your children die?

don't push me.

oh, but that's the beauty of it. i can.

there's a new and exciting side of you just waiting to come out.

i can feel it.

(groaning)

oh, what a party!

iphicles: iolaus! what happened?

i don't know. (sighs) maybe it was the food.

(groaning) oh!

i heard that!

jason?

jason: are you all right?

alcmene: yes.

look.

(punch bubbling)

what's going on here?

we've been drugged. everybody all right?

where's hercules?

it looks like he's been here.

oh, yeah? opened his presents while we slept? i don't think so.

who could've done this?

that woman! where is she?

something terrible has happened! i just know it!

let's not jump to any conclusions.

we'll search the castle.

(panting) i'll go with mother.

iolaus and i will take the west wing.

yeah.

uh, what about me?

you stay here in case hercules gets back.

by myself?

if anything happens... yell.

yell? wonderful!

(whimpers) big help!

worms?

(sighing in disgust)

(sighing)

(singing) la, la, la, la, la:.

cut it out! (laughing)

oh, now, now, hercules.

just because i poisoned your friends,

doesn't mean we can't be nice to one another.

(scoffs) amazing!

you have no reason to be angry at me, hercules.

after all, i'm not the one

that hung the giant bull's-eye on your family.

you leave my family out of this.

oh, but think about it.

i mean, well, if your children weren't your children,

well, then they'd still be alive now, wouldn't they?

your love, it's a curse.

what's the alternative?

be like you? alone, trapped in your hate?

no. i'd rather take my chances.

(giggles) tell me, hercules.

late at night, in the dark all alone,

do you, do you hear your children screaming?

do you lie awake at night,

wondering if there was something else you could've done?

maybe if you had gotten there a little sooner,

been a little bit more respectful to hera?

drop it!

i wouldn't expect someone like you to understand.

oh, but i do understand.

my family was slaughtered like helpless animals as well!

you didn't learn much from it, did you?

i learned to get exactly what i want when i want it!

and you realize, hercules,

the only reason your friends are still alive,

is because i have allowed it!

and i suppose i owe you thanks?

oh, no. you owe me all.

this is my fault.

i should never have let that stranger in.

hercules is a big boy.

he can take care of himself.

i know you're right. i just so wanted this to be a special day for him.

(scoffs) oh! i'll bet you did.

after all, he's corinth's most famous son.

you know what? maybe i'll declare a holiday in his name.

that make you feel better?

why are you talking like this?

because he has brought nothing but trouble to my kingdom.

well, how can you say that?

he's your brother.

(sarcastically) oh, yeah. we're one big happy family!

tell me something, mother.

who ensures your safety every single day? hmm?

and where's hercules through all this?

he graces us with his presence

when he's not too busy saving the world.

please, iphicles!

you're not yourself.

(shouting) wrong! i'm just not who you want me to be!

(gasping) you think hercules should've been king.

well, there can only be one king!

and nobody but nobody is gonna change that!

(sobbing)

not even you. (grunts)

i'm surrounded by infidels! (gasping)

(pots shattering)

hercules: mother. (gasps)

it's going to be all right.

oh! it's beautiful.

(sighs)

well, an open door is like a friendly invitation.

(creaking)

(screams)

you were saying?

sphinx: all who seek passage

must first answer my riddle.

fail, and you will die.

care to be first? (chuckles)

sphinx: give a name to this earthly conceit.

it is unchangeable, but it can change you.

it can teach you or trap you.

all who reside there are immortal,

but you can never go there.

i hope you're as smart as you are strong!

sphinx: the answer lies before your eyes. (wheels creaking)

choose your words before the sands run their course.

callisto: "it's unchangeable."

"all who reside in it are immortal."

it's mount olympus.

it's not a place. that's the trick.

well, i don't see you coming up with anything.

if you'd be quiet, maybe i can think.

well, i won't be holding my breath for that now, will i?

oh! we're running out of time!

maybe that's it.

oh, yes, of course. it's time!

(sighs) well, that didn't work. any more brilliant ideas?

well, answer!

(sphinx laughing wickedly)

"the answer lies before your eyes." time is running out.

the past!

huh!

after you.

hercules?

(gasps)

i've come to say goodbye.

(sobs) goodbye?

i've crossed over to the other side.

(crying) it's all my fault.

i should have protected you.

it's too late for that now.

no! this can't be.

i never wanted to be a hero, mother,

but you didn't give me any choice.

there was no other way for this to end.

(sobbing) please! please forgive me.

perhaps, in time.

goodbye.

wait!

let me come with you, please.

i was hoping you'd say that.

hercules: ah, there's an oil pouch.

we'll use it to keep the lamp lit.

poor baby. afraid of the dark?

you don't look like you're doing too well.

oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about me.

i'll be as good as new soon enough.

in the meantime, a little water should do the trick.

(grunting)

here.

mmm. mmm.

(panting) such a gentleman.

yeah.

the world doesn't deserve you.

it doesn't deserve you either.

(laughs)

we're not as different as you'd like to think.

(laughs) oh, really?

we both believe the wicked should be punished,

only i see something you don't.

yeah. i'm sure you’ll let me know what it is, won't you?

all people are wicked,

and they deserve everything they're gonna get.

i've known too much good in the world to believe that.

good?

is that supposed to be some kind of joke?

if mortals were good, well, then we wouldn't need you around, would we?

you've seen the darkest side of people.

the child who watched her parents die has my compassion.

but you had a choice. you chose evil.

and that's where my compassion ends.

(ladle splashes)

(clapping)

your faith in the world is touching.

let's see how well it holds up at the end of the day.

shall we?

anything?

no, not a sign of him.

now what?

it's hotter than tartarus in here.

you know, i got a bad feeling about this.

let's go back.

wait. wait. wait. what's wrong?

you ever get a feeling that your life is just ebbing away?

you're kinda getting out of step with things,

and, i don't know, there's nothin' you can do about it?

did you hear that?

what?

i don't hear anything, what... (shushing)

there it is again.

i can't hear anything.

i'll be right back.

jason?

jason, wait.

(shouting) jason! where are you?

a-ha! (laughing)

mmm.

(humming)

(gasps)

ah! king iphicles! just in time.

would you be so kind as to hand me that bowl of turnips?

what are you talking about? there's nothin' there!

(laughing) are you blind? i'll get it myself.

so little time, so much to cook!

(slurping)

hot stuff. watch the tongue.

i'm warning you!

be honest. you won't hurt my feelings.

i want everything to be perfect when hercules arrives.

it's his birthday, you know. a surprise.

not a word to anyone.

traitor!

what did you do that for?

(yells)

huh?

(crashing)

(sighs)

falafel: king iphicles?

he didn't like my stew.

(sighs)

you're not living up to my expectations.

i imagined you'd spend the day trying to convince me

that i can change like our beloved xena.

xena changed because she wanted to.

did she now?

you know she watched me die.

(chuckles)

it's ironic, you know.

i mean, not long ago, you would've joined me in bringing her down.

wrong. our definitions of justice aren't the same.

oh, true. that's very true.

i believe she deserves to die a very slow and painful death.

vengeance isn't justice. if you understood that, maybe you'd find peace.

peace?

peace?

i dreamed of peace.

i imagined it.

let me die so i can find it.

tartarus should've been a welcome change.

instead, i learned the true meaning of torture

trapped in my hatred, with nothing to do.

lady, immortality won't solve your problem.

(hissing)

jason, where'd you go?

jason?

jason.

jason! jason!

(panting)

(sensual music playing)

(women murmuring)

(laughs)

woman 1: hello.

woman 2: we've been waiting for you, iolaus.

woman 3: you can't resist our charms.

woman 4: and we can't resist yours.

woman 5: please, don't leave us waiting. (laughing)

woman 6: iolaus...

(sighs) don't tell me. we're lost.

i can't seem to... left or right.

there's just so many details.

i knew i should've written it down. i think...

great.

no, no, no. it's left.

(callisto screaming)

hercules!

i guess it was right.

(gasping)

(screaming) no, no, no!

looks like i'm in a real bind.

(panting) callisto!

callisto: (screaming) i'm right here!

(scream echoing)

callisto! keep talking!

that's what i'm trying to do!

i'm over here!

hercules, hurry!

(grunts)

your friends! if i die, they die!

(groaning)

(echoing) they die!

callisto: hercules! hercules!

(callisto groaning)

(choking)

hercules! hurry!

(roots growling)

(growling continues)

(screams)

(screams)

hercules: callisto, hold on!

(callisto groaning)

(groaning in pain)

grab on!

oh, my hero.

(panting)

yeah, right.

(root screeching)

(grunts)

(moaning)

(laughing)

woman 1: come with us.

woman 2: come this way, iolaus.

uh?

woman 3: catch me if you can. (giggles)

hey! (laughs)

eerie voice: jason.

(panting)

(man laughing wickedly)

oh, come on, baby. just one more for old times' sake?

uh!

(panting)

huh?

you're me? (gasps)

(laughing wickedly)

no!

old iolaus: come here, handsome.

let me take a look at that pretty young face of mine.

(grunting)

(laughing wickedly)

(yells)

(panting)

what's going on?

jason!

(screaming) jason!

(scream echoing)

(huffing)

(gasping) where are you?

(laughing)

i think the first thing i'm gonna do

is find the good xena

and rip out her tongue, just to hear her whistle an apology!

i hate to spoil your fantasy,

but you're not out of here yet.

oh, but neither are you.

when we make it to the tree of life

and when i save my family and friends,

you are going back to where you belong.

i'll see to that myself.

enough!

no rooms can hold me. haven't you figured that out, yet?

and you're the only one that can stop me,

and to do that, you'd have to kill me. but you can't.

your misguided sense of justice won't allow it.

you're overlooking something.

(scoffs) oh? am i?

you've already been killed.

the only reason you're still standing

is because i need directions.

i've underestimated you.

i'm flattered.

fortunately, you've overlooked something as well.

(scoffs) i don't think so.

if i go back to the underworld,

i won't be suffering alone.

i'll find your children.

klonus, aeson and little llea, is it?

and i'll dedicate eternity to making them suffer.

i mean, after all,

i got here, didn't i?

i can get to them.

(choking) that's it. that's the spirit.

kill me. i dare you.

(yells)

(laughing)

who's trapped in their hatred now? (laughing)

(grunting)

(groaning)

(in old iolaus' voice) thought you could sneak up on me,

did ya? (growling)

i'm going to kill you! (laughing)

i'm gonna kill you!

(whimpers)

(yells)

(grunting)

(yells)

(groans)

(grunts)

(huffing)

we're almost at the other side, mother.

but jason and iphicles.

they’ll be joining us soon. (sighs)

then we'll all be together again.

yes.

(sighs) don't tell me you're confused again.

oh, no, i'm quite certain it's this way.

(grunting)

(yelling)

oh, um...

i lied.

lovely detail. (grunting)

(sighs) hephaestus is quite the craftsman.

hera! hercules delivered, as promised.

i fulfilled my end of the bargain. it's your turn.

(whirring)

it's not over yet!

hercules.

i have enjoyed our little time together.

but you know, i think i can take it from here.

(grunts)

(grunts)

(chuckles) are we having fun yet?

oh, look at the bright side.

you'll be reunited with your friends soon enough.

oh, and this...

(panting)

this is for xena.

(groans)

(grunting)

goodbye, hercules.

(grunting)

(yells)

(ululating)

ow!

delicious.

(groans)

(grunts)

you're gonna die on your birthday.

how convenient.

(groans)

no!

blow it out and make a wish. (ululating)

(yells)

(screaming)

(screams)

(both grunting)

it's a pity we couldn't work out our differences.

we would've made an unstoppable team.

i already have a partner.

(groans)

not for long.

(screaming) ah! ah!

(screaming)

(both grunting)

(panting)

why can't you just die like a good boy?

i guess i don't know when to quit.

well, let me inspire you.

even if you could find your way without me,

you won't make it in time to save your friends.

that's where you're wrong. i know something you don't.

(laughing) oh?

we're out of oil.

that leads right back to the entrance.

surprise!

(screaming)

(grunts)

(sobbing) oh, no, don't leave!

please, don't leave! i can't see!

here. give me your hand!

(ululating)

(callisto screaming)

(grunts)

callisto: no!

(screaming) no!

no!

(hercules panting)

must find meat.

(snickering)

(falafel laughing wickedly)

(metal clanks)

(iphicles struggling)

(exclaiming happily)

(grunts)

falafel!

come on! give me a hand! get this off!

(pig snorting)

(squealing)

here, piggy, piggy, piggy!

falafel, what are you doing?

(laughing)

(pig snorting)

(screaming)

(gasps)

(panting)

(grunts)

(groaning in pain)

(gasps)

(yelling)

(roaring)

(falafel whimpering)

my turn.

this is it, mother. right up here.

(whimpering)

(screaming)

(both grunting)

jason! don't.

(laughs)

(all grunting)

(grunts)

(groans)

hercules?

(sighs)

hercules?

don't talk with your mouth full.

(falafel screaming)

(falafel whimpering)

(yelling)

(grunts)

(muffled grunting)

(laughing)

you'll thank me later.

(muffled protesting)

uh!

give me that. here.

have you seen my mother?

no, we haven't seen her.

give them each a bite.

why?

trust me.

(muffled protesting)

(growls)

(struggling)

one more step, and we'll be together forever.

i'm coming, hercules.

i love you.

i love you too, mother.

(gasping)

what kind of trick is this? he looks like you.

mother, i'm right here.

no. my son is dead.

i'm not.

(sighs)

oh, mother.

hercules?

does this mean i'm not going to the underworld?

no. not yet.

here i brought something for you.

oh! for me? yeah.

oh, you shouldn't have.

oh, hercules. now where have you been? i've been worried sick.

mother, it has been a very, very long day.

i'll tell you about it later.

let's go find the others, okay?

hey! i'm sorry you missed your birthday.

jason: well, the day's not over yet.

falafel: we still have cake.

yeah, and you haven't opened all your presents yet.

oh. that reminds me. there was a woman here earlier.

poor thing. she wanted to leave you a gift.

well, she did.

she made me appreciate my family more than ever.

(all laughing)