Original subtitles

You guys are making me nervous, you know that?

Too much hostility in the air, and it's directed at me.

MAN: Poor excuse for a man! But why?

I mean, that's what I don't understand.

Why is everybody picking on me?

BLUTH: Everybody is not picking on you, KIepto. I am.

I stand corrected. Bad choice of words.

What I meant to say was...

You said you could handle a team of horses, and they ran away with you.

You said you could use a crossbow,

and you shot Linus in the butt.

What I want to know is

what are you good for?

Okay, okay since you asked,

I'm much better at the subtle stuff.

I mean, give me a pocket to pick, or a shop to lift and I am solid gold.

You moron! I'm not trying to be subtle!

I'm trying to conquer as much of Greece as I can!

Now, get out! Yeah, but my nimble fingers could...

Out!

I'LL prove I can help you!

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will, I swear!

KLEPTO: I'm not kidding!

Iolaus! Hey, hey, hey!

(LAUGHS)

Where are you going?

There you are. Thank you.

Thanks very much. It's okay.

What?

Caught you.

Herc, if a pretty girl is Like a melody,

I'm there to sing a song.

That's not what I meant.

I saw the Look in your eyes with those kids.

Yeah. You know, I have a great Life,

but sometimes I can't help thinking I'm missing out on something.

A pretty wife, kids... Debts.

(LAUGHS) Well, take it from me it's all worth it!

MAN: Hercules! Hercules!

Important message for Hercules!

Hercules!

Important message for Hercules!

Uh, excuse me.

Ah! Hercules!

There you go.

Thanks. Uh, do you want me to sign for this?

Not necessary, Hercules. I know who you are.

Good.

Oh, no, go on there, Herc. Open it.

It's a boy! What?

Typhon and Echidna have had a baby boy.

You're kidding! No.

(LAUGHING)

Why, that's... That's great news.

Are you all right? Yeah, yeah.

Iolaus, I've got to go see them. It's the least I can do after...

Yeah. Come on, I'LL go with you.

Good. I could use the company. Sure.

Excuse me no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry.

(YELLING)

Get out of my home!

How dare you defy Hera's wishes.

I owe her nothing!

All my other children died for her. This one will not!

Be careful not to wake Obstetrius.

If that baby starts crying, you'LL wish you were anywhere but here.

It doesn't payto make Echidna mad.

Very well.

But Hera wants your son fighting for her greater glory.

And what Hera wants, Hera gets.

Be gone!

Typhon, is the little one all right?

He sure is, sweetie.

You're all right, aren't you, little fellow?

Oh, he is so adorable.

Yes, he is. Oh, yes, he is.

NARRATOR: This is the story of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to challenge their power.

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil,

wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

(SCREECHING)

(GROWLING)

(ROARING)

(ALL CHEERING)

I wonder what this child of Typhon and Echidna's looks Like?

Hmm. I guess he'LL be cute, the way babies are.

Uh-huh?

What?

No, cute, Like the Hydra?

Well...

And the Stymphalian Bird? Yeah.

And the She-Demon? Enough already.

Now, Echidna was different back then.

Now that she's got Typhon around, she could never stay in a bad mood.

I hope the baby feels the same way.

You never told me the baby's name.

It's Obvious. What is?

No, it's name, Obvious. Ob... Hang on...

(HORSE SNORTS)

Just better check it. I had it written down.

I had it here, where has it gone?

(LAUGHING)

I had it on a piece of paper right here. It's gone! I can't believe it!

That little guy from the village, he picked my pocket!

You don't have any pockets.

It's a figure of speech.

MAN: Knock him a good one!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

May I help you?

A mug of your finest swill, my Lovely.

Are you Lost, sheep dung?

(LAUGHS)

No.

Looking for a fight? Mm-mmm.

Then you must have come to steal our women!

Oh, no, please,

your women are much too beautiful for me.

Though I would Like to help you protect them.

Protect them from who?

That's "whom."

The two men coming this way. One is big and the other is not.

They're both trouble.

Trouble is my middle name.

Oh, but these two turn into rabid dogs

at the first sign of...

Of beauty.

They'LL foam at the mouth and do unspeakable things

just to have their way with your women.

That's a good year.

Why, there was once a humble weaver

who tried to protect a woman from GIaucos,

and the big one bit his ear off.

(GROWLING)

(LAUGHS)

Listen, it's a true story.

Yeah, well, my ear is staying right where it is.

But this big guy's nose is going to get punched through the back of his head.

Isn't it? MEN: Yeah!

Oh, I don't think I want to watch.

I mean, the sight of blood makes me faint.

Then you better hit the road,

because we're going to paint this place with their precious bodily fluids.

Yes, sir. Bodily fluids. Hit the road, sir. Right away. Thank you.

Thanks for your time. Okay. Goodbye.

Let's get out of here.

Such a strange man.

(CHILD'S TOY PLAYING)

(SCREECHING)

(TYPHON LAUGHING)

Echidna, Look! Look at Obie!

Don't drop him.

Oh, you know I won't, love muffin.

Why so glum?

That bad lady is not going to come back.

You scared the patooties out of her.

Didn't she, Obie? (SQUEALING)

Then it will be someone else, Typhon.

When it comes to evil,

the mother o fall monsters is always in demand.

I wish you wouldn't say things Like that in front of the little one.

Can't help it.

(TYPHON LAUGHING)

Oh, you little rascal.

And you big rascal.

(LAUGHING)

I love you two so much, it curls my tentacles.

(SCREECHING)

You know, Echidna, I think he's got your eyes.

IOLAUS: I am so hungry I could eat raw fish and seaweed.

Oh, smell that, Hercules?

Venison, freshly baked bread...

Body odor.

You know what? I think we'LL be Leaving.

Sorry for the intrusion.

What's the matter? Don't you want to bite our ears off?

Boy, did we pick the wrong place.

Or did you just come to steal our women?

MEN: Yeah!

What women?

That little fellow never said they were this cute.

That tears it!

Kill them! For being cute?

(ALL YELLING)

Sneaking up behind me!

(YELLING)

Uh, ladies?

Oh, he's so gallant.

Ugh, tastes Like boiled cat. Herc, behind you.

Aren't they tired of fighting yet?

Oh, we ain't here to fight.

Let's get 'em, girls!

This is as far as I'm going.

Whoa, there. Whoa!

You know who lives here, don't you?

Oh, I sure do. Echidna, the mother of fall monsters.

And her husband, that giant they call Typhon.

Well, keep him on your side, because Echidna,

I don't know how much longer she can stand being nice.

Well, thanks very much for the advice.

You just make sure Echidna doesn't have you on a cracker, boy.

Come on! (HORSE NEIGHS)

Happy trails.

(SIGHS)

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody home?

Echidna?

Typhon?

Hello?

I love what you've done with your cave.

Look, I'm...

Whoa!

You don't belong in here!

Yes, I do, yes, I do. I'm KIepto.

Hercules was busy wiping out a warlord,

so he sent me to check on your baby.

Look what he gave me! Look!

Wasn't that nice of Hercules, Obie?

All right.

You can stay, but just for a little while.

No, no, no!

(SCREECHING)

What a beautiful baby!

(BOTH PANTING)

IOLAUS: I think we Lost those crazy women!

Finally.

There was no reason for that fight.

Yes, there was.

Somebody is trying to slow us down.

Because of Echidna and Typhon?

Or their baby.

Why are you so worried about him?

Because I keep thinking about the battles I had with their other children.

Hercules, they were monsters. They wanted to kill you.

They would have been different if they hadn't tasted blood.

Oh, so now we have to make sure the baby doesn't.

That's right.

I wish he was mortal.

Herc! Herc!

Just slow down!

(BABY TALK NOISES)

Don't touch me, you little creep!

(GROWLING)

(SCREECHING)

What a loving child.

Hey, Obie, watch this.

Amazing, huh? But it's gotta be the right ear.

See, if I try with the left one,

nothing happens.

Oh, I've got to remember that.

It's the right ear, huh?

Yeah. Only the right ear is magic.

He's so good with the baby.

I know.

I think Obie likes you, KIepto.

Excuse me, I'd forgotten how tiring it is to take care of a baby.

Oh, sounds Like you could use a nap, Echidna.

Go on, I'LL keep Obie entertained.

All right.

Just for a little while.

(YAWNING)

She always was a good sleeper.

(SNORING)

Wouldn't you Like to join her?

Oh, I'm not tired.

Oh, come on, Typhon.

I'LL bet you're feeling drowsy, aren't you?

Don't fight it.

Just let those eyelids get heavy.

You're silly. I can't even feel my eyelids.

But I'LL tell you what I would Like to do.

I'd Like to go outside.

You mean it? Yeah!

(SHUSHING)

Yeah. You know, just to breathe some fresh air

and have a little bit of what I call "time for Typhon."

You know, a few minutes to yourself can be a special treat.

I know exactly what you mean. Go ahead, be my guest.

Well, aren't you nice.

Now, Obie, you behave yourself, little buddy.

Daddy is gonna go for a walk outside while Mama takes her nap.

I'LL bring you back a bug.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, you guys are too easy.

All right, little rug rat, come to your Uncle KIepto.

(SCREECHING)

(SHUSHING)

All right then, the village is ours to plunder.

Anybody who thinks otherwise, kill...

Who are they?

MAN: Hera's archers, you idiot.

Who told you could come in here?

Hera. Is that right?

What's on the old girl's mind?

Not the reverent type, are you, BIuth?

Oh, she knows who I am. Be still, my heart.

That's quite a mouth you've got.

Let's see if it's still working when I tell you that Echidna's had a baby,

and that Hera wants you to kidnap it.

What's in it for me?

Oh, the kind of power that being the monster's master can bring you.

And the kind of wealth that only such power can provide.

So, is that reason enough for you to fight the mother of fall monsters, BIuth?

The best I've ever heard.

(SIGHS)

(SEA SOUNDS)

HERCULES: Typhon!

Typhon!

BOTH: Typhon!

Hercules! Iolaus!

Well, you got here fast.

Boy, you guys are the greatest.

Where's the baby?

With Echidna.

Well, actually she's taking a nap.

Your little friend is babysitting Obie.

BOTH: Little friend?

(ECHIDNA SCREECHING)

Echidna?

Oh, I've got to stop doing this.

Echidna, what's wrong?

My baby is gone. I can't find him anywhere.

I knew chasing away Hera's head archer wouldn’t help.

Hera's after your baby?

Yes, but she had nothing to do with kidnapping him.

It was that friend of yours.

KIepto?

I've never heard of him. No, neither have I.

But he had the birth announcement that we sent you.

TYPHON: He even showed it to us.

KIepto! He picked my pocket!

You don't have any pockets!

It's a figure of speech.

How did KIepto get your baby out of here without you seeing him?

He must have tricked us.

I've Lost another baby, I just know I have.

I'm never going to see my little Obie again.

(SOBBING)

(OBIE SQUEALING)

(GROWLING)

Oh, careful there, Junior.

Got to get you to BIuth in one piece.

He won't think I'm such a small-timer then.

(SCREECHING) Shut up!

Would you put a cork in it? Somebody is going to hear you.

All right, you don't Like me, well, big deal,

because I don't Like you either!

Now, button your lip.

Hey, wait a minute, you didn't...

(SNIFFING)

(SQUEALING)

At least I won't need a shovel.

Ugh.

No leaks, either.

So, what's the...

(SCREECHING)

Oh, I know what it is.

You're hungry.

Well, let me tell you something, kid.

Breast feeding isn't an option.

Nature didn't give me the proper equipment.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, enough already!

Oh, I had to kidnap a baby with leather lungs.

Talk about rotten luck.

Pretty fast tentacles!

You ever think of picking pockets?

(SIGHS)

Well, I finally found out how to shut you up, didn't I?

(SQUEALING HAPPILY)

(FARTS)

(SIGHS)

Ugh.

That sounded Like it came with a surprise.

Everything is going to be all right, Echidna.

But my Life is filled with so much pain.

No mother should have to lose as many children as I have.

I know, and I'm sorry, I feel responsible.

You don't have to say that, Hercules.

Yes, he does. Because it's true!

Honey, I was just...

The only living thing you should be worrying about right now is Obie.

But I am, baby, you know I am.

No, the only thing I know is that my Life won't be worth living

until I can hold my baby again.

And if he dies...

(SCREECHING)

I'LL let myself rot away in Middle Earth.

Echidna!

Echidna!

Oh, no.

Now I've Lost my wife, too.

ECHIDNA: Find Obie!

Iolaus and I will bring him back. You have our word.

What about Echidna?

(GRUNTS)

It's not safe down there.

Well, he has a point. If anyone should be saving a child for Echidna, it's me.

Well, I'm going with you.

Uh, you know what?

I think I should go. I mean, Herc and I, we're Like a team.

Like thunder and lightning, flesh and bone. Abbottus and Costellocles.

Hercules, that's my boy out there.

I've got to do what any father would do.

Okay. I'LL go and get Echidna.

Happy hunting.

Same to you.

Come on, Obie's waiting for us.

Oh, and don't forget to duck on the way out.

Right.

(GRUNTS)

(WOLF HOWLING)

(SQUEALING)

Don't think you’re eating any of this, you little wart.

This is my reward for pushing your lead bottom all over the countryside.

Are you clear on that? Hmm?

Are you? Hey, where are you going?

Get away from there, you crazy little geek!

(SQUEALING) Don't get...

Great!

Well, there goes my ticket to the big time.

Well, I hope you can fly, kid. Otherwise, that was a really rotten idea.

(SQUEALING)

You're not funny, you know that?

Pulling a stunt Like this.

You steal the joy from my greatest accomplishment.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, pipe down and grab my hand.

Cut that out!

Now, grab my hand. Come on!

Oh, knock it off!

What are you trying to do, kill me?

I've got one thing to say to you.

Calamari!

(SQUEALING)

Don't push it, kid.

All Echidna and I want is the chance to make sure Obie grows up

the way none of our other kids did.

Polite and hard-working and peaceful.

Well, you’ll get your chance, Typhon. But you've got to be patient.

Patient. Right.

But as soon as I get my hands on that filthy kidnapper...

Pow! Right in the kisser.

Would you let me worry about KIepto? You concentrate on Obie.

You know something? You're right.

Hmm.

What's the matter, Hercules?

It looks Like a rainstorm must have blown through here and washed away their tracks.

Well, that's not good.

(SIGHS) And it's not getting any better.

The road divides up ahead.

Oh, no.

You go left, I'LL go right.

Right. I mean, left.

But Typhon, if you find them, don't do anything foolish.

You call for me, or you come and get me.

Okay. If I can.

No ifs. That's your baby out there, and we want to bring him back in one piece.

Got you.

Left, right?

Yes.

Typhon, watch out for that...

(CRASHING)

Oops!

Tree.

(WHISTLING)

MAN: Give me your money or I'LL have you killed.

Ah, pilgrims. And that starts with "P," which stands for easy pickings.

Hey, KIepto!

What are you doing here?

Well, one might ask the same of you.

Huh?

I am on my way to see BIuth.

With a baby?

Hello! It's not my baby, it is Echidna's.

What have you been smoking?

Oh, I'm serious. Look for yourself.

(SQUEALING)

Mother of mercy!

Believe me now?

Yeah, yeah.

Come here, my slimy little friend.

Oh, yeah.

Then go tell BIuth I'm bringing him a little bundle of joy.

One that will help him conquer as much of Greece as he wants.

Sure. Right. Right away!

And tell him I'm ready for the big time, too!

What a disgusting little creep.

Put a bag over his head.

WOMAN: Only a mother could love that.

Hey, I'm the only one who can talk to him Like that!

Boy, how did she ever get... (SCREECHING)

Echidna?

(THUDDING)

Echidna, is that you?

Go away!

This is no time for you to be alone.

Echidna, are you all right?

(GASPING)

Echidna?

Hercules and Typhon asked me to Look after you.

No! Stay away!

(SIGHS)

How did I get this job? (SCREECHING)

BIuth! BIuth!

You're late.

You won't say that when I tell you about KIepto.

He kidnapped Echidna's baby.

KIepto? He must be insane.

BIuth, get rid of this madman. He's slowing us down.

But I saw the kid. He's an ugly little freak.

Had all these slimy arms, and he kept sprouting new ones.

Where was he?

A pilgrim's camp, near the bend of the Hebrus River.

BIuth, take my archers there and get Echidna's baby.

And don't fail me. What about you?

I'm going to find out if Echidna has finally realized

she's better off fighting for Hera.

Nothing up my sleeve, hmm?

(GURGLING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

Okay, watch this one. This one is always a good one.

(SCATTING)

(SQUEALS)

Now, this one kills them in Carthage.

(SQUEALING)

Are you all right?

You know something?

You're not bad. For a crumb cruncher, that is.

Not that I'm getting soft in the old melon or anything.

But it's true.

If I had to choose between you and that rude pilgrim back there,

I'd take you in a Nemean minute.

Oh.

That's a good little guy.

(MAN GROWLING)

(SCREECHING)

Hi.

ECHIDNA: Not one step closer, I'm warning you!

Echidna, why are you being Like this?

Look, Hercules and Typhon have probably got your baby back already.

Don't patronize me! I'm not a child!

Hey, Hercules and I risked our necks to get you and Typhon back together,

and now we’re trying to make sure you don't lose your baby! So, come on!

I'm on your side, all right?

Or would you rather just kill me?

No.

Good.

(ECHIDNA SIGHS)

I'm a monster.

Monsters don't have friends.

Only Typhon.

I'm just so worried.

You know,

you really shouldn't be alone down here at a time Like this.

Let's go back, huh?

Thank you, Iolaus.

Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SNIFFS)

If you’ve come for Obie, you're too late.

What do you mean?

BIuth took him.

You let somebody kidnap Obie?

After you’d already kidnapped him?

Typhon, we need to get some answers here first.

I'm really sorry.

You can be sorry all you want.

I'm still going to see how far I can throw you!

Save me!

Typhon, don't!

But I...

Hurting KIepto won't save your baby.

You're right, Hercules.

Whoa!

But what will?

Me.

Go faster, you baby stealer.

Hey, if I had legs as long as yours, I would.

Take it easy on him, Typhon.

Why should I? The little weasel took Obie away from Echidna and me.

Look, I wish I'd never done it, all right?

Just being around him really...

It really kind of got to me.

He's really a great little guy.

Well, maybe you're nicer than I thought,

but I still don't think we're gonna get Obie back.

Don't worry, we will.

Well, I hope we find him soon, because if he gets a taste of blood,

he’ll turn bad, just Like all the other kids we had.

And you know that’s just what Hera wants.

I know, and BIuth works for Hera.

And he’ll do anything, and I mean anything, to please her.

Then maybe you should do what Typhon wants you to do.

I know faster! Faster!

(SOBBING)

(SIGHS)

Here you go.

Thanks.

I'm sorry.

I'm usually stronger than this.

(SIGHS) Echidna, you have nothing to apologize for.

Any mother would be upset.

HEAD ARCHER: How touching. (SCREECHING)

The mother of fall monsters showing her sensitive side.

You!

You have my baby, don't you!

Well, it's nice to see that grief hasn't stopped your mind from working, Echidna.

The last time I saw you, you were popping Like a balloon.

I won't make that mistake again.

Look out!

(GRUNTS)

You shouldn't have done that.

Guess again.

(ROARING)

(SCREECHING) BLUTH: You disgusting little creature.

Look at those teeth. He'll be a killer yet. Use your anger.

There's no telling how vicious he’ll be when I'm through with him.

(ROARING)

I love it.

Would you Look at that?

The way he's growing,

he’ll be the biggest monster ever!

And the only masters he’ll ever serve are Hera and me!

Wrong.

Who are you?

This is Hercules, you moron.

Hercules, huh?

Don't you ever get tired of trying to spoil things for Hera?

Every boy needs a hobby.

(OBIE GROWLING)

Then I suppose you aren't going to tell me what you did to my guards?

They're considering new careers.

(THUDDING)

I want my baby back.

Forget it.

No.

Uh, maybe we should come back another time.

Sorry, KIepto. There's no time Like the present.

Wanna bet?

I'm dead.

(SCREECHING)

You're not going anywhere. Hephaestus made these bolos.

(SCREECHING)

Scream all you want, Echidna.

The only way you get free is to pledge your loyalty, and your son, to Hera.

I'd rather die!

I think that can be arranged.

BLUTH: Kill Hercules! Now!

(SCREECHING)

BLUTH: Get him!

First blood! Kill him!

(ROARING)

My son will never fight for your cause.

You're wrong. He'll never fight for any other.

(GRUNTS)

Give it back!

Yeah, in your dreams!

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

(ROARING)

Death to the son of Zeus.

Obie! No!

Now, listen to me, Obie. We shouldn't be fighting.

We should be friends, just Like I'm friends with your mom and dad.

Don't stop! It's a trick!

Obie, be a good boy!

Listen to your dad, little guy.

Come on, he's the one who's right.

(MOANING AFFECTIONATELY)

(KISSING)

Okay, that's enough.

(SQUEALING)

That's a good little boy.

All right, then I'LL kill both of you!

(GROWLING)

Herc, over here! I'LL catch him!

Can't risk it.

You really care!

Yeah, I do.

(SCREECHING)

Hera sends her best!

(YELLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Tell Hera her best wasn't good enough!

(SQUEALING)

Welcome back.

TYPHON: Honey, we're home!

We?

That's what he said.

Here's Obie!

(ECHIDNA SCREECHING)

Oh, Obie. Obie, I missed you so much, my little precious one.

My, how you’ve grown!

Looks Like you were busy.

Well, you know what they say busy hands are happy hands.

What is he doing here!

I just wanted to say that I was... That I'm sorry.

You know, in person.

He means it, honey. He helped us get Obie back,

and he learned to care about the baby.

It's true, Echidna.

I really grew fond of the little guy.

Well, in that case come on over.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

(SCREECHING)

What's going on here?

Every parent's dream. Finding a babysitter!

(BOTH LAUGHING)