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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,399
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,479
Good morning, housemates! 26 hours
till finals! Ah, sh...it! Hot!
3
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,879
MUSIC: The Number One Song in Heaven
by Sparks
4
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,039
Er, Kingsley, I...
5
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,799
got your tea.
6
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,199
Fuck off!
7
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,879
Vod, I made you a...
8
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,159
Ohh...
9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,160
Get out.
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00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:35,639
Ooh... Ooh... Ooh...
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00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,119
Oh, my God!
12
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,479
Don't look at me!
13
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:39,999
Howard?
14
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,399
Yes, I'm masturbating, and, no,
I do not have time to stop!
15
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,839
OK.
16
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:48,039
Guys, I know it's exam time
and everyone's revising
17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,639
and you're all under
a lot of stress,
18
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,640
but can you please
stop wanking and shouting?!
19
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,479
Oh, you're not wanking!
20
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:24,919
No.
21
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,199
I'm tired of wanking.
22
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:31,200
You know, it is said
that when a man is tired of wanking,
23
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,959
he is tired of life.
24
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,519
Yeah, I don't think that is said.
25
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,159
How's the revision going?
26
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,759
I've gone slightly insane.
27
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,760
I wrote the word "igneous" thousands
of times on tiny little cards.
28
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,759
OK.
29
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,479
Oh!
30
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:50,919
New commission?
31
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:51,959
No.
32
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,839
I drew that for fun.
33
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,719
Well, if there's anything
I can do to help...
34
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:01,720
Anything...within certain limits.
35
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,800
Housemates! At the beep,
the time until finals will be...
36
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,119
22 hours.
37
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:28,120
Beep!
38
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,479
What if you wake up on the morning
39
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,159
of your finals and your hands have
gone all floppy? Shut up, Josie.
40
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,479
You've got these floppy hands
and they won't hold a pen
41
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,759
and you turn up and you're like,
42
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,279
"Hi, I'm Edward Floppyhands,
I don't think I can do my exam"?
43
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,799
Shut up, Josie. It probably won't,
but it could happen.
44
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,800
What if it has happened? I might
google it. Don't you google it.
45
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,079
Howard, I've made you
a salmon and kelp smoothie.
46
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,759
It's got eight Pro Plus in it.
47
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,999
Slaty cleavage, gneiss,
gastroliths, escarpments...
48
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,519
I'll just pop it down.
Not...
49
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:58,359
on the table.
50
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,479
Josie, this is an external
partition of my mind.
51
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,480
Would you put an uncoastered drink
onto my mind?
52
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:11,080
Hey, Vod, I need another book of
tickets for Vod's World Of Carnage.
53
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,879
Vod and Kingsley's World
Of Cheese And Carnage, thank you.
54
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,359
It's the Lake Of Fire.
You say those three little words
55
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,279
and everyone's, like,
"Oh, Josie, please take my money!
56
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,919
"Anything for the Lake Of Fire!"
57
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,319
Well, it is an amazing concept,
to be totally fair to myself.
58
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,159
I didn't sign off on a Lake Of Fire.
Kingo,
59
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,879
I have told you - head of
logistics, head of vision.
60
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,639
You know, I come up
with the concepts,
61
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,439
you come up with the...plastic cups.
62
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,919
I'm sorting the plastic cups?!
63
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,759
That is...
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00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,599
beyond the fucking pale.
65
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,159
Well, I've only gone and done it.
66
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,399
I've fucked it off
and hired a barge.
67
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,679
I need to just
get away from it all -
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00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:50,680
no internet, no...
69
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,639
..distractions.
70
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,559
How have you afforded that?
You're broke.
71
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,159
Oh, I cracked into my 5K buffer.
72
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,439
So...
73
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,719
Howard...
74
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,279
what do you say to me, you
and your lovely, lovely brain table
75
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,280
taking a serene study cruise down
the historic Barton Aqueduct?
76
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,159
Oh, let me guess,
all aboard the banter barge?
77
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,919
Nope. No bants.
78
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,559
Tough on bants.
79
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,560
Tough on the causes of bants.
Total bants clamp-down.
80
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,999
Just pure, hard-core study.
81
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,559
JP, suffice it to say,
82
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,560
I will not be joining you
on your ship of fools.
83
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,479
Seven.
84
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,319
I'm seven days clean.
85
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,159
Seven days since I shagged JP.
86
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,399
I'm proud of you, mate.
87
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,359
A week sober.
88
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,839
Yeah.
89
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,839
It's like...
I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place
90
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,359
where I can say I'll never
shag JP again, but...
91
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,599
by God, I'm gonna try!
92
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,959
Here's something to take your mind
off JP's knob.
93
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,960
More tickets.
94
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,560
SHE EXHALES
95
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,759
VOD SNIFFS DEEPLY
96
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:18,879
You've had a man in here!
97
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,879
No!
No?
98
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,599
Hmm.
99
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,639
So...what is this?!
100
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:30,640
The world's straightest pube?
101
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,879
I'm seeing...
102
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,599
a private tutor. I...
103
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,399
am having private tuition
before my finals.
104
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:38,919
Oh.
105
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,079
So...who's paying for that,
then? Merkel?
106
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,439
Please don't call my dad that.
It's all right for some, innit?
107
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,759
Look, I'm behind.
What with my failed presidency,
108
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,279
and my scholarship,
109
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,919
I have a lot of catching up to do
110
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,920
and they can be very
insistent, Geoff and Lynda,
111
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,120
which is incredibly helpful, because
it reminds me what's at stake,
112
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,879
but also sometimes a teeny bit
fucking much,
113
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,839
if you know what I mean.
114
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:11,840
Anyway, er, post come, this from...
115
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,719
..TV Licence and...
116
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,559
this.
117
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,039
Got a US postmark, so I thought...
118
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,119
My Fulbright application.
119
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,999
What if they found out about the
impeachment and they're rejecting me
120
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,039
and then I have a meltdown
121
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,119
and I shave off all my
eyebrows and I can't revise?
122
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,519
You don't wanna go under exam
conditions without eyebrows.
123
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,199
Believe.
You take it.
124
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,199
I'll open it...afterwards.
125
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:42,200
JOSIE: Oh, come on, open it!
126
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,959
Hi, Oregon.
127
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,960
I just wanted to know if you got it!
128
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,599
I definitely said "mamma mia",
cos I say it all the time.
129
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,799
"Mamma mia,
I've got a lot of revision to do."
130
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,399
"Mamma mia, it's my finals tomorrow
131
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,359
"and my girlfriend
won't fucking kiss me."
132
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:09,360
Look, I think we both know
it's gone a bit weird lately.
133
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:12,839
Are you breaking up with me?
134
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,559
No. Cos if you are, I'd rather you
just did it, because I cannot
135
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,399
have the sword of rejection hanging
over me for my whole finals.
136
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,079
Let's just be adults, Rosa.
137
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,119
If it's over,
then just say it's over.
138
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,159
Kingsley, it's over.
139
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,679
What the fuck?!
140
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,399
You're breaking up with me
the day before my finals?!
141
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:33,159
Look at this!
With the colours, look!
142
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,479
Blue, accretion.
143
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:35,679
Red, lithology.
144
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:36,999
Yellow, turbidity.
145
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:41,000
Do you see any colours on here
that signify emotional turmoil?!
146
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,839
No. No, because
I don't have time for it!
147
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,159
Great, now I've got a migraine.
148
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,759
I'm sorry, Kingsley...
Well, you've ruined my life.
149
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,519
So thanks for that.
150
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,519
So, go on.
151
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,999
Fuck off.
152
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,319
Don't you want to talk about it?
153
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,119
I don't ever want to talk to you
ever again, you evil fucking woman!
154
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,079
I love you. Please stay with me
until after my finals.
155
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,839
Good luck with your exams.
156
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,639
Ciao.
157
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,640
Don't say ciao,
you fucking Swiss phoney!
158
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,480
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
159
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,600
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
160
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,719
HE SIGHS
161
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,720
DISTANT ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
162
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,759
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
163
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,799
WHIRRING STOPS
164
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,800
All right?
165
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:46,080
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
166
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,159
JP!
167
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,559
With regret, it has become
necessary for me
168
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,599
to beg safe passage
aboard the revision barge.
169
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:04,600
Very well, I will add you
to the manifest right now.
170
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,039
All aboard the anti-banty boat!
171
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,040
GENTLE PASTORAL MUSIC
172
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,239
18 hours left.
No pressure, guys!
173
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:30,240
Right, so that's 300 vigorous
squat thrusts in the bank.
174
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,999
Parcel came for you.
175
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,000
Oh, great! That's just what I need,
a fucking parcel to open!
176
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,679
Ooh, where are we on Lake Of Fire?
177
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:44,119
Oh, Vod, do I look like I've got
time to organise a Lake Of Fire
178
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,839
when I'm sat around
opening packages all day?
179
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,599
Oh, looks like Kingsley's found
ten minutes to open a parcel.
180
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,599
Meanwhile, Violet Nordstrom
is chatterboxing away
181
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,399
like she doesn't have finals
in the morning.
182
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:58,400
Oh, look at this shit. Oh, biscuits,
energy drinks, Mini Eggs...
183
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,800
Like, as if I've got time to sit
around eating fucking Mini Eggs!
184
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,039
Aww, your mum sent you
a care package!
185
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,439
That is so cute!
These Mini Eggs are saying,
186
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,439
"Hurry up and finish your exams
so you can move back home with me."
187
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,599
They are tainted
and they are aggressive.
188
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,199
Kingsley, do you know
what my mum sends me?
189
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,799
Summonses.
190
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,279
She gives them my address.
191
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,839
Affray, council tax,
192
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,919
driving while eating a bagel,
all that shit.
193
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,799
At least you're not
being sent sub-textual,
194
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,119
passive-aggressive
fucking chocolates!
195
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:34,120
Are you OK, Kingsley?
196
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,119
Yeah... Rosa broke up with me.
Oh.
197
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,159
What for?
Oh, that's not the point.
198
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,679
I thought you didn't like her
very much anyway?
199
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,559
That's also not the point.
200
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,519
She was my way out, she was my...
201
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:51,520
..safe haven for next year,
my...my Swiss mountain retreat.
202
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:57,759
Is this about your libido?
Hmm?
203
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,519
Nothing.
What did you say?
204
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:00,719
What?
205
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,679
I said...
206
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:07,680
is it about your libido?
Because you've got such a...
207
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,279
high libido.
208
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,759
Why would she break up with me
because I've got a high libido?
209
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,639
Because...
210
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,519
it's...
211
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:18,759
..exhausting
212
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,760
and quite unhealthy, actually,
to be shagged so well and so often.
213
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,959
Josie, have I got a low libido?
214
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,960
No.
215
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,679
Relatively low.
216
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,039
Great, so I've got no girlfriend
and a relatively low libido.
217
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,479
Right, I'm gonna go and see
218
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,480
if I can find a way to set fire
to Worthington fucking Lake!
219
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,519
Which reminds me...
220
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,239
Your ticket money.
Thanking you.
221
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,439
And there's plenty more where that
came from. I have got mug punters
222
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,319
from here to Chorley,
lining up to have a date
223
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:57,320
with some really hot fucking water.
224
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,359
I'm not happy with this mooring,
225
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,559
because I don't like its vibe.
There's too many geese.
226
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,439
They are sketching me out,
we must leave.
227
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,999
The mooring is fine!
228
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,639
The mooring is not fine!
The mooring is untenable!
229
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,719
The mooring is perfectly tenable!
I'm not happy with the mooring,
230
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,639
so we are leaving
and finding a new mooring
231
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,519
because I cannot
revise at this mooring!
232
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,239
Oh, brilliant, so we're gonna get
trapped in the lock cycle again.
233
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,679
Yeah, let's just write off
another 45 minutes
234
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,879
in the endless,
"Gate closing, gate opening,"
235
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,639
oh, a friendly wave to the guy
with the fucking Scottie dog!
236
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,359
Howard, need I remind you that
I am captain of the Bluebell?!
237
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,639
We are finding a new mooring,
238
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,079
so hoist the mizzen and splice
the fucking mainbrace!
239
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,799
There is no mizzen, there is no
mainbrace, there are no sails.
240
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,800
This is a fucking barge!
241
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,239
DOOR RATTLES
242
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,759
EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT:
Having trouble with the door?
243
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:50,640
Aaaargh!
244
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,519
OK, so I've just spoken to some
guy in fucking Utah about setting
245
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,199
a lake on fire, cos that's the
sort of thing you do the day before
246
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:03,079
your finals, and he says we can get
a giant submersible butane manifold.
247
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,759
Mm! Obviously we'll need to clear
the lake first.
248
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,879
Ducks, geese, mallards.
249
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,839
Hmm. No-one wants a goose inferno.
250
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,719
The best way to scare ducks,
apparently,
251
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,359
cos I really have time to research
this now during my revision,
252
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,360
is to hire some hawks from
a local falconry centre.
253
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,359
So apparently for a lake
the size of Worthington
254
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,159
we need about six with
handlers and a kestrel.
255
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,479
How much is that then?
256
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,559
It's 12 grand for the burner,
1,500 for a 60-litre
257
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,439
industrial butane canister,
plus 600 quid each
258
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,879
for a couple of qualified frogmen
who plumb it all in.
259
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,439
Er, so with the hawks,
the manifold, the diffuser
260
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,440
and petrol for the frogmen,
it's?18,000.
261
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,879
That gives us four minutes of
solid, safe, controlled flame.
262
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,039
Right.
263
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:50,040
18 grand...
264
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,279
Unless...
265
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:06,279
I mean, obviously you
can't put a price on safety.
266
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,919
But, you also sort of can.
267
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,199
I mean, on one hand there is
the wellbeing of the punters,
268
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:16,119
and then on the other hand,
well, there's profit.
269
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,679
And can you see how there's a little
bit of a balancing act there?
270
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,039
Is it a balancing act that's
on a tightrope that's on fire?
271
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:26,399
Kingo, we've got to
look after our futures.
272
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,199
We don't want to be moving
back in with Mum.
273
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:33,200
Bringing a nice girl home. You
know, getting all horny on the sofa
274
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,640
and then boom, massive
bra on the radiator.
275
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,559
OK, if I'm going to have any
sort of future in radio
276
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,079
I need this event on my CV.
277
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,079
What I don't need is a burned,
dead student on my conscience.
278
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,759
All right.
279
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,399
Do it properly.
280
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,400
Yeah? OK, thank you. Right.
281
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,959
Ah!
282
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,439
Yes, this is a fine mooring.
283
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,439
Everything will be fine
at this mooring.
284
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,159
Um, I thought we could...er,
285
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,079
maybe play a game.
286
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,119
Suppose you were throwing a dinner
party and you're only allowed
287
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,120
to invite four aspects of drilling
gas wells that a geologist must
288
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:34,160
consider once an exploratory well
has uncovered a shale formation.
289
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,479
What four aspects would you invite?
290
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,519
You know, it's just fun
to think about, isn't it?
291
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,520
Mm. You mean like trying to extract
information from my brain?
292
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,519
You cannot frack me, JP.
293
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:49,799
I am unfrackable.
294
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,479
Fine.
295
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:55,480
Suit yourself.
296
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:02,520
DRILL
297
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,559
You?
298
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,239
Yes, Howard. I Bosched you.
299
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,479
DRILL
Bosch.
300
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:17,480
And I will Bosch you again
until you give me the knowledge.
301
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,160
You absolute copper-bottomed fucker!
302
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,959
Study now, bitch.
303
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,519
DRILL
304
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,119
Howard,
305
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,439
what are the four aspects
of drilling a gas well that
306
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,440
a geologist must consider when he or
she has uncovered a shale formation?
307
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,719
Tell me, Howard!
308
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,919
Give me the knowledge, Howard!
309
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,679
I want your knowledge!
310
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,559
I can't be fracked.
I will not be fracked...
311
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,119
I'm warning you,
I'll scuttle the fleet!
312
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,599
I'll drill a hole in the floor
and sink us all!
313
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,319
Don't make me scuttle
The Bluebell, Howard!
314
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,799
I'll do it! I will not be fracked!
315
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,719
You cannot frack me, JP.
I cannot be fracked!
316
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,319
I will not be fracked!
317
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:02,320
Batten down the crockery!
Untenable mooring.
318
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,360
SHE WHISTLES
319
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,200
Hey. It's Oregon.
She's been rejected.
320
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,599
Hmm? The Fulbright.
321
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,079
You opened it?!
322
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,719
Look, maybe it's a good thing,
you know, take the pressure off.
323
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,359
OK, my friend,
he found out his dad had cancer
324
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,239
on the morning of his driving
test. Boom, passed first time!
325
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,959
No! No way.
326
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,519
No, no, no. We can't tell
her until after the exams.
327
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,399
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right.
328
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,239
But I really want to be there
when we tell her, yeah?
329
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:05,240
You know, for support, and...shit.
330
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,120
KNOCK ON DOOR
331
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,199
Easy, Mole. How's things?
332
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,959
Right, I'm getting
crewed up for the event. All right.
333
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,239
I just thought I'd drop round
334
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,279
and make sure you're not
going to flake out on me.
335
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:29,239
Mole. Fuck's sake. Do I look
like I'm going to flake out?
336
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,199
Hmm, hang on a minute.
337
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,559
Do I look like
I'm going to flake out?
338
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,639
It's just with the cost up front.
339
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,199
And you know, I don't know you
from a tin of beans.
340
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,999
OK. Listen.
341
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,119
You're not dealing with some
dewy-eyed virgin
342
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,879
who's just rolled off the Megabus
from Cat-Piss-on-Tweed. OK?
343
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,999
I am making so much honk I'm
running out of places to hide it.
344
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,719
We're talking 60, 70 grand.
345
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,519
Right, so if I were you, I would
get in touch with your wholesaler.
346
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,759
You know, whoever your like,
Costco of cocaine is.
347
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,719
You know, I would order
eight saucepans
348
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,559
of his finest Chuck Norris.
349
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,519
All right.
350
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,279
Good to know, that.
351
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:12,280
Laters, new potatoes. Ta-ra.
352
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,279
Well, I've only gone and done it.
353
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,199
I have fucked it off
and rented a cottage.
354
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,199
You see, I figured what we needed
was somewhere that had the ambience
355
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,719
and low ceilings of a barge,
but on land.
356
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,319
A sort of land barge,
or house, if you will.
357
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,519
The problem is not the barge, JP.
358
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,919
The problem is your mind.
359
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,719
But it's got a scullery, Howard.
360
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,720
Think of all the facts
we'll learn in a scullery.
361
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,199
Howie...
362
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,959
..can I talk to you about something?
363
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,960
It's just that...there's
this thing that's confusing me
364
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,959
and I don't know who to turn to.
365
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,439
JP,
366
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,839
are you confiding in me?
367
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,919
I mean, I'm going to end
up doing a job I don't want,
368
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,719
but meanwhile there
IS something that I DO want.
369
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,720
But what if the thing that
I want doesn't want me?
370
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:20,920
It's a confusing thing.
The thing is confusing.
371
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,119
Not to stop you in your stride JP,
but if you continue like this
372
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,359
I may have to go outside
and hold my breath
373
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,599
until my body turns limp and then
just let it slide into the water.
374
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,319
OK. Forget it. Thank you.
That's the preferred option.
375
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,559
You've got it licked,
haven't you, mate?
376
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,639
An amazing job all lined up.
377
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,719
No pressure, no expectations.
378
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,359
The unbridled joy of the blank page
379
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:47,159
stretching out eternally
in front of you.
380
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:49,479
No structure, no timetable.
381
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,799
I'm not a blank page.
382
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,039
A lined page maybe.
383
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,959
God I envy your freedom, Howard.
384
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,799
Come on, mate.
385
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,800
Abandon barge.
386
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,879
Hey, Jose. Do you think
we could have a quick chat?
387
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,880
I've just ejaculated. That's
three times today. Yeah, three.
388
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,759
I've looked that up and
apparently it's relatively high.
389
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:17,879
Um, Kingsley,
390
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,959
do you think that you should
focus on studying, as opposed to,
391
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,599
say, looking up wanking statistics
and eating Mini Eggs?
392
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,599
Hmm, I don't have time
for that sort of mumbo jumbo,
393
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,999
what I need to know is
if either of you two would like
394
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,639
to be my girlfriend
until after my exams?
395
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,399
Josie? Mmm?
396
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,119
Er, I don't think so.
397
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,439
Vod? Sorry, Kingo.
398
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:43,279
Fine. Don't blame you.
You're just having a freak out.
399
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,919
Oh! Palms are tingling.
That's a new one.
400
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,599
Back for another vigorous session.
Onwards and downwards.
401
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,879
DOORBELL
Mm, someone's at the door.
402
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,110
BANGING ON DOOR
403
00:21:53,111 --> 00:21:55,990
Ah, it might be for me.
I ordered some ADHD meds.
404
00:21:55,991 --> 00:21:58,070
Apparently they make
all your leg hairs fall out
405
00:21:58,071 --> 00:22:00,030
but you can revise for hours.
406
00:22:00,031 --> 00:22:01,750
Two large shaven-headed males.
407
00:22:01,751 --> 00:22:05,270
Maybe they work for the paramilitary
wing of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
408
00:22:05,271 --> 00:22:08,590
Open the door!
HEAVY BANGING
409
00:22:08,591 --> 00:22:10,870
Drop everything, get in the cellar.
410
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,870
BANGING CONTINUES
411
00:22:12,871 --> 00:22:14,190
Move!
412
00:22:14,191 --> 00:22:17,550
BANGING CONTINUES
413
00:22:17,551 --> 00:22:21,270
Fuck! Fuck!
414
00:22:21,271 --> 00:22:23,630
It's the fucking TV licence people!
Shit!
415
00:22:23,631 --> 00:22:25,350
I thought we paid?!
416
00:22:25,351 --> 00:22:27,990
We haven't paid!
Fuck, we're going to fucking prison!
417
00:22:27,991 --> 00:22:30,550
Can I just say, for the record,
I hardly watch it.
418
00:22:30,551 --> 00:22:33,110
Oh, so you don't watch
the Great British Sewing Bee? Twice!
419
00:22:33,111 --> 00:22:35,110
Twice I watched it
and it was fucking shit!
420
00:22:35,111 --> 00:22:38,030
Guys. I'm trying to study.
421
00:22:38,031 --> 00:22:40,790
What the fuck are you
doing down here? Revising.
422
00:22:40,791 --> 00:22:43,590
I think the real question is, what
the fuck are you doing down here?
423
00:22:43,591 --> 00:22:47,591
Can we just keep our voices down?
Vod? Are you in there, mate?
424
00:22:48,351 --> 00:22:49,590
How do they know your name?!
425
00:22:49,591 --> 00:22:52,750
They know everything. Quickly,
delete iPlayer from your phones.
426
00:22:52,751 --> 00:22:55,270
Oh, Jesus. I'm going to
prison for watching New Tricks.
427
00:22:55,271 --> 00:22:58,070
Guys, I don't think the TV licence
people kick your front door in.
428
00:22:58,071 --> 00:23:00,390
Don't you see? They've gone rogue.
429
00:23:00,391 --> 00:23:03,710
For the record, that isn't
a television in my bedroom.
430
00:23:03,711 --> 00:23:06,310
It's a TV monitor
for playing video games.
431
00:23:06,311 --> 00:23:07,910
What is going on? I don't know.
432
00:23:07,911 --> 00:23:10,390
Maybe it's the guy come to
pick up the big Next catalogue.
433
00:23:10,391 --> 00:23:12,590
They already came and picked up
the Next catalogue!
434
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:16,350
OK, we're not going anywhere
until we get our 60 grand.
435
00:23:16,351 --> 00:23:18,950
We'll start looking, eh?
436
00:23:18,951 --> 00:23:20,550
THUD
Oh, my God!
437
00:23:20,551 --> 00:23:22,950
You'd better fucking tell us
where it is
438
00:23:22,951 --> 00:23:25,270
before we rip this place apart!
439
00:23:25,271 --> 00:23:29,190
Um, guys. I think
I might know what this is.
440
00:23:29,191 --> 00:23:32,670
Promise not to shout?
441
00:23:32,671 --> 00:23:35,470
Um, well, might of,
442
00:23:35,471 --> 00:23:39,471
by accident, told the drug dealer
who's doing security and drugs
443
00:23:40,631 --> 00:23:44,631
for my event, that I've
got 60 grand cash in the house.
444
00:23:47,071 --> 00:23:50,870
What the fuck, Vod? So that's Mole?
That's fucking Mole up there?!
445
00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:53,750
That fucking bald psycho with the
deceptively adorable nickname?
446
00:23:53,751 --> 00:23:56,550
Yes. You got involved with
the Manchester drug lords?
447
00:23:56,551 --> 00:23:58,350
The lords of the drug lords?
448
00:23:58,351 --> 00:24:01,430
Drug dealers?
Vod, have you seen The Wire?
449
00:24:01,431 --> 00:24:03,750
Because I haven't,
but I can fucking imagine.
450
00:24:03,751 --> 00:24:05,550
I'm starting to feel a mite jittery,
451
00:24:05,551 --> 00:24:09,551
so I'm just going to lie flat
on the cold, hard ground.
452
00:24:10,631 --> 00:24:12,950
Yeah.
453
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:15,470
Look, it's just one of those
things that happens, isn't it?
454
00:24:15,471 --> 00:24:17,390
No, Vod. It isn't.
455
00:24:17,391 --> 00:24:19,630
Washing your jeans with
a tissue in the pocket,
456
00:24:19,631 --> 00:24:22,910
or accidentally ordering a large
jar of olives from the Ocado shop.
457
00:24:22,911 --> 00:24:26,750
But getting raided by dealers the
night before your fucking finals?
458
00:24:26,751 --> 00:24:27,990
I'm calling the rozzers,
459
00:24:27,991 --> 00:24:30,670
getting them to wazz round here
and rozz up all the crimos.
460
00:24:30,671 --> 00:24:32,670
Er, actually I'd prefer it
if you didn't, mate.
461
00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:36,510
He is a dealer and I am kind of
up to my nips in this, so...
462
00:24:36,511 --> 00:24:39,070
Am I up to my nips as well?
463
00:24:39,071 --> 00:24:42,350
Am I nipple-deep by association?
464
00:24:42,351 --> 00:24:43,750
There's no signal.
465
00:24:43,751 --> 00:24:46,470
OK, Vod. You are going up there
and you are giving them the money.
466
00:24:46,471 --> 00:24:49,550
Actually, I can't. It is 60 grand.
467
00:24:49,551 --> 00:24:51,110
Look, I know it's a wrench.
468
00:24:51,111 --> 00:24:53,950
I remember when I had to take
out 75K from my trusties
469
00:24:53,951 --> 00:24:55,390
as an endowment on this place.
470
00:24:55,391 --> 00:24:57,910
I nearly had a fucking nosebleed
in Bradford and Bingley.
471
00:24:57,911 --> 00:25:00,230
What about the grad ball, huh?
472
00:25:00,231 --> 00:25:03,950
No cash means no Lake of Fire.
473
00:25:03,951 --> 00:25:07,951
All those disappointed punters.
I mean... Where the fuck is it?
474
00:25:09,031 --> 00:25:11,030
We give them a bit of it.
475
00:25:11,031 --> 00:25:13,750
Yeah, I'm going to be honest
with you, Jose. I don't think Mole's
476
00:25:13,751 --> 00:25:15,510
the kind of gentleman
that'll come here,
477
00:25:15,511 --> 00:25:17,830
help himself to a grand
and leave without the other 59.
478
00:25:17,831 --> 00:25:20,950
We can't stay here! We've got
our finals in the morning!
479
00:25:20,951 --> 00:25:23,030
It'll only be a couple of hours.
480
00:25:23,031 --> 00:25:24,070
In my experience,
481
00:25:24,071 --> 00:25:26,590
nine times out of ten
these things just blow over.
482
00:25:26,591 --> 00:25:29,350
THUD
Vod, listen, girl! I'm not fucking around!
483
00:25:29,351 --> 00:25:32,350
Right, that's from the Office of
National Statistics, is it?
484
00:25:32,351 --> 00:25:35,470
Mole, mate!
Are you a fan of Expressionism?
485
00:25:35,471 --> 00:25:38,510
Because in my dresser, second
drawer down, you will find a sketch
486
00:25:38,511 --> 00:25:42,511
by a certain Lucian Freud.
487
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:45,870
Mole? Tell you what,
if we make it out of this alive...
488
00:25:45,871 --> 00:25:47,270
If?!
489
00:25:47,271 --> 00:25:49,430
I said when.
490
00:25:49,431 --> 00:25:50,910
Hundred quid each?
491
00:25:50,911 --> 00:25:53,110
Oh, great. That'll make
up for the loss of earnings
492
00:25:53,111 --> 00:25:54,550
when we all fail our finals.
493
00:25:54,551 --> 00:25:57,670
I can use it to buy a big velvet
dunce cap. Vod, give them the money.
494
00:25:57,671 --> 00:25:59,110
Yeah, Vod, stop fucking around.
495
00:25:59,111 --> 00:26:02,110
Will everyone just shut the fuck
up about it for a minute, OK?
496
00:26:02,111 --> 00:26:04,270
I am not giving them my money.
497
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:07,430
You know, he's probably up there
stealing all our stuff.
498
00:26:07,431 --> 00:26:09,670
He's probably going to take
my fucking 12-string.
499
00:26:09,671 --> 00:26:18,071
Right, we're not leaving
till we've found it!
500
00:26:29,511 --> 00:26:31,550
He's watching TV.
501
00:26:31,551 --> 00:26:32,870
What's he watching?
502
00:26:32,871 --> 00:26:34,630
Something mellow?
503
00:26:34,631 --> 00:26:36,190
What time's Mr Selfridge on?
504
00:26:36,191 --> 00:26:38,110
Maybe we could
encourage him to watch that.
505
00:26:38,111 --> 00:26:41,430
Vod, if you don't give him his money
soon, I am going to fail my finals.
506
00:26:41,431 --> 00:26:43,670
Well, I've eaten a whole
bag of dried cranberries
507
00:26:43,671 --> 00:26:45,270
and I'm going to need to...
508
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:46,830
shit them out pretty soon.
509
00:26:46,831 --> 00:26:49,150
Come on. It's exciting.
510
00:26:49,151 --> 00:26:51,910
It's like that film with
Ben Stiller and the dinosaur.
511
00:26:51,911 --> 00:26:54,990
No, Vod, It's nothing like
Night at the fucking Museum.
512
00:26:54,991 --> 00:26:56,750
It's like Night at the Museum.
513
00:26:56,751 --> 00:26:59,030
Ah, remember this?
514
00:26:59,031 --> 00:27:00,550
Hello, old friend!
515
00:27:00,551 --> 00:27:03,190
God, that really puts the last
three years into perspective.
516
00:27:03,191 --> 00:27:05,030
Back then, he was just
a light entertainer
517
00:27:05,031 --> 00:27:08,110
and now, he's a genuinely
heavyweight polemicist.
518
00:27:08,111 --> 00:27:11,470
Like, relative to what?
519
00:27:11,471 --> 00:27:12,910
My libido.
520
00:27:12,911 --> 00:27:15,070
SHE SIGHS
Seriously, Kingsley.
521
00:27:15,071 --> 00:27:16,470
I'm just asking.
522
00:27:16,471 --> 00:27:17,990
Relative to what?
523
00:27:17,991 --> 00:27:20,910
A chimp scraping his
dick against a mango tree?
524
00:27:20,911 --> 00:27:22,870
I don't know. Relative to...
525
00:27:22,871 --> 00:27:24,830
normal. So, it's subnormal?
526
00:27:24,831 --> 00:27:27,430
Can I claim benefits? Can I
get a special badge for my car?
527
00:27:27,431 --> 00:27:28,750
My libido's disabled.
528
00:27:28,751 --> 00:27:30,310
Your libido is not disabled.
529
00:27:30,311 --> 00:27:33,030
Can you just be my girlfriend for
the next nine and a half hours?
530
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:34,830
"Pity the poor eunuch."
531
00:27:34,831 --> 00:27:38,230
Kingsley, I'm not going to be
your inflatable ripcord girlfriend.
532
00:27:38,231 --> 00:27:41,710
"In case of emergency,
insert penis here."
533
00:27:41,711 --> 00:27:43,390
Mole, mate, me again!
534
00:27:43,391 --> 00:27:46,670
If you give me your
sort code, account number
535
00:27:46,671 --> 00:27:48,470
and a copy of your passport,
536
00:27:48,471 --> 00:27:50,550
I will gladly transfer over to you
537
00:27:50,551 --> 00:27:53,510
a sizeable portion
of my premium bonds.
538
00:27:53,511 --> 00:27:55,550
Right, Vod, give them
the money, I need a poo.
539
00:27:55,551 --> 00:27:57,470
Howard, have you got a bucket?
540
00:27:57,471 --> 00:27:58,990
Of course I've got a bucket.
541
00:27:58,991 --> 00:28:02,550
I can't vouch for
its provenance though.
542
00:28:02,551 --> 00:28:03,990
I'm not shitting in a bucket!
543
00:28:03,991 --> 00:28:05,430
"Advanced Physics?!"
544
00:28:05,431 --> 00:28:09,431
Oh, yeah. It's funny you
mention that, actually,
545
00:28:09,631 --> 00:28:12,550
because I am dropping
out of my geology degree
546
00:28:12,551 --> 00:28:15,270
and applying to study physics,
commencing September!
547
00:28:15,271 --> 00:28:17,870
Howard, are you doing it again?
548
00:28:17,871 --> 00:28:20,430
Absolutely not,
that's a ludicrous slur!
549
00:28:20,431 --> 00:28:22,270
I'm just saying that,
every three years,
550
00:28:22,271 --> 00:28:25,070
you do tend to go a bit Coco Pops
the night before your finals.
551
00:28:25,071 --> 00:28:28,710
Thank you for your
psychoanalysis, Miss Carl Jung!
552
00:28:28,711 --> 00:28:31,030
Do you have the fear?
553
00:28:31,031 --> 00:28:32,390
The fear of what?
554
00:28:32,391 --> 00:28:35,710
Moving to London and having your
pants pulled down in Regent's Park.
555
00:28:35,711 --> 00:28:36,870
That's ridiculous!
556
00:28:36,871 --> 00:28:38,710
Howard, you can't drop out now.
557
00:28:38,711 --> 00:28:40,710
You're being a dick. Right, you lot?
558
00:28:40,711 --> 00:28:41,990
Right.
559
00:28:41,991 --> 00:28:44,390
I don't know.
560
00:28:44,391 --> 00:28:47,030
Do you know, I'm just saying that...
561
00:28:47,031 --> 00:28:49,390
three more years at Medlock
562
00:28:49,391 --> 00:28:50,670
does have a ring to it.
563
00:28:50,671 --> 00:28:52,470
God, you're just
trying to clip his wings
564
00:28:52,471 --> 00:28:54,470
cos you're scared of
getting left on your own.
565
00:28:54,471 --> 00:28:56,030
Oh, that is low, Kingsley.
566
00:28:56,031 --> 00:28:57,630
That is relatively low.
567
00:28:57,631 --> 00:28:59,070
Oh, fuck off, Josie.
568
00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:00,230
Hey, mate.
569
00:29:00,231 --> 00:29:01,510
Easy on Jose, OK?
570
00:29:01,511 --> 00:29:04,670
What's it matter to you?
571
00:29:04,671 --> 00:29:08,671
Nothing.
572
00:29:10,511 --> 00:29:13,190
Oh, my god, you're fucking.
573
00:29:13,191 --> 00:29:14,950
Look, Kingo, don't freak out.
574
00:29:14,951 --> 00:29:16,430
Don't freak out?!
575
00:29:16,431 --> 00:29:18,190
Oh, yeah. OK, fine -
576
00:29:18,191 --> 00:29:22,191
because whenever anyone says
that, it's ALWAYS good news(!)
577
00:29:22,431 --> 00:29:24,670
We were just shagging, that's all.
578
00:29:24,671 --> 00:29:27,070
"That's all?!" Well, that is all!
579
00:29:27,071 --> 00:29:28,310
That is all there is!
580
00:29:28,311 --> 00:29:29,790
I wouldn't even call it shagging.
581
00:29:29,791 --> 00:29:30,950
It was more like...
582
00:29:30,951 --> 00:29:32,670
bonking. Yeah, bonking!
583
00:29:32,671 --> 00:29:34,270
You can't go mad about bonking.
584
00:29:34,271 --> 00:29:35,790
It's fun, it's smutty,
585
00:29:35,791 --> 00:29:37,750
it's Sid James and Babs Windsor!
586
00:29:37,751 --> 00:29:40,990
So THAT'S why you were entering his
bedroom at 3.20 every morning. Ah!
587
00:29:40,991 --> 00:29:44,430
Howard. Amazing! Even Howard knew!
588
00:29:44,431 --> 00:29:47,510
I mean, he doesn't understand it
but he's got the raw fucking data!
589
00:29:47,511 --> 00:29:49,270
Did everyone know?
590
00:29:49,271 --> 00:29:50,510
Sorry, mate.
591
00:29:50,511 --> 00:29:54,070
Jose told us right before she
cold-cocked me in the truth tent.
592
00:29:54,071 --> 00:29:57,030
Also, I feel like I knew before
I knew, if you know what I mean?
593
00:29:57,031 --> 00:29:59,630
Like, I kind of tend to assume
that she's either riding you
594
00:29:59,631 --> 00:30:01,350
or you at any given moment.
595
00:30:01,351 --> 00:30:05,310
Does anyone else want to emotionally
violate me the day before my finals?
596
00:30:05,311 --> 00:30:06,710
I mean, really!
597
00:30:06,711 --> 00:30:10,711
Does anyone else want to
take a shit in my mouth?
598
00:30:13,471 --> 00:30:17,070
Now, why can't I see my hands?
599
00:30:17,071 --> 00:30:19,030
My palms are swirly. I can't...
600
00:30:19,031 --> 00:30:22,390
I can't see my hands.
601
00:30:22,391 --> 00:30:24,190
I'm fucking blind.
602
00:30:24,191 --> 00:30:26,190
Just don't be a drama queen.
603
00:30:26,191 --> 00:30:29,790
That, Kingsley, is an ocular
migraine brought on by stress.
604
00:30:29,791 --> 00:30:33,470
I had one when they
switched off Teletext.
605
00:30:33,471 --> 00:30:34,790
Well...
606
00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:36,270
So, I'm blind!
607
00:30:36,271 --> 00:30:38,470
Thank you, Josie. Thank
you for making me go blind!
608
00:30:38,471 --> 00:30:41,230
What about JP? He gets half
the blame! He gets one eye!
609
00:30:41,231 --> 00:30:43,950
Aw, ow! Tummy cramps!
610
00:30:43,951 --> 00:30:46,910
Ah, great, so that's my stool
cycle interrupted before my exams.
611
00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:49,230
Cheers, Vod!
Kingsley, It was nothing.
612
00:30:49,231 --> 00:30:51,190
It was a one-off.
613
00:30:51,191 --> 00:30:52,910
Well, a series of one-offs.
614
00:30:52,911 --> 00:30:54,150
That have come to an end.
615
00:30:54,151 --> 00:30:55,270
Very recently.
616
00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:56,830
Very finally.
617
00:30:56,831 --> 00:30:57,950
I mean...
618
00:30:57,951 --> 00:30:59,390
seven days clean.
619
00:30:59,391 --> 00:31:00,510
You know, it's funny,
620
00:31:00,511 --> 00:31:03,110
I don't remember you moaning
that much when we were doing it.
621
00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:05,190
Oh, sorry, my mistake - yes, I do.
622
00:31:05,191 --> 00:31:07,270
HE MOANS
623
00:31:07,271 --> 00:31:09,950
Shut up, JP. Yeah, shut up!
624
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:12,470
Because that's just the way
you like me, isn't it, Jose?
625
00:31:12,471 --> 00:31:15,590
Silent, compliant JP!
626
00:31:15,591 --> 00:31:18,310
The big, disgusting dildo.
627
00:31:18,311 --> 00:31:20,150
Well, how's that?
628
00:31:20,151 --> 00:31:21,990
MUFFLED: Is that
better for you? Huh?
629
00:31:21,991 --> 00:31:24,310
Now if he's making this
about him, it's not about him.
630
00:31:24,311 --> 00:31:25,750
It's not about you, JP!
631
00:31:25,751 --> 00:31:27,950
You know what? I like you.
632
00:31:27,951 --> 00:31:30,430
There, I like you, deal with that...
633
00:31:30,431 --> 00:31:32,230
No, you fucking don't.
634
00:31:32,231 --> 00:31:34,870
..but it doesn't matter...
635
00:31:34,871 --> 00:31:37,470
because Tomothy has
got me a job in London
636
00:31:37,471 --> 00:31:38,870
and I'm going to move there,
637
00:31:38,871 --> 00:31:41,670
so you're never going
to have to see me again.
638
00:31:41,671 --> 00:31:43,830
You're going to work for Tomothy?
639
00:31:43,831 --> 00:31:46,630
Yes, he's offered me
a badly-paid position
640
00:31:46,631 --> 00:31:48,310
doing something that I will hate
641
00:31:48,311 --> 00:31:50,830
and I have accepted. I knew it.
642
00:31:50,831 --> 00:31:52,830
I knew you were going to
end up like one of them.
643
00:31:52,831 --> 00:31:55,430
I mean, you held out for,
like, 20 minutes but I knew it.
644
00:31:55,431 --> 00:31:57,230
They're going to ride me, Josie.
645
00:31:57,231 --> 00:31:58,910
Do you understand?
646
00:31:58,911 --> 00:32:01,150
They're going to ride me
round and round that office
647
00:32:01,151 --> 00:32:02,990
like one of those
novelty mini motorbikes.
648
00:32:02,991 --> 00:32:04,710
Then why are you doing it?!
649
00:32:04,711 --> 00:32:06,830
Because...
650
00:32:06,831 --> 00:32:08,510
What other choice do I have?
651
00:32:08,511 --> 00:32:09,990
Oh, my god!
652
00:32:09,991 --> 00:32:11,910
You want to play the pity game?
653
00:32:11,911 --> 00:32:13,710
Yeah? Where's my hand?
654
00:32:13,711 --> 00:32:16,230
I'm blind,
I don't have a girlfriend,
655
00:32:16,231 --> 00:32:17,630
I don't have any books,
656
00:32:17,631 --> 00:32:19,150
I've got my finals tomorrow,
657
00:32:19,151 --> 00:32:20,950
I've got a RELATIVELY low libido.
658
00:32:20,951 --> 00:32:22,310
In fact, while I'm at it,
659
00:32:22,311 --> 00:32:25,790
some more squat thrusts, I think!
660
00:32:25,791 --> 00:32:28,790
Which, of course, only
exacerbate my migraine.
661
00:32:28,791 --> 00:32:30,870
God, I love my life(!)
662
00:32:30,871 --> 00:32:33,150
Oh, stop fucking whining, Kingsley.
663
00:32:33,151 --> 00:32:34,750
You're such a little bitch.
664
00:32:34,751 --> 00:32:37,070
I have cause to moan, Josie.
665
00:32:37,071 --> 00:32:39,550
You can either sit around
feeling sorry for yourself
666
00:32:39,551 --> 00:32:41,670
or you can get up
and do some revision.
667
00:32:41,671 --> 00:32:42,990
How?!
668
00:32:42,991 --> 00:32:45,950
I don't have any
books and I'm blind!
669
00:32:45,951 --> 00:32:48,270
Do you think that stopped
Stevie Wonder, Kingsley?
670
00:32:48,271 --> 00:32:52,190
He did not go blind the night
before his geology finals!
671
00:32:52,191 --> 00:32:55,950
Right, I'm going to
get you through this...
672
00:32:55,951 --> 00:32:59,951
because I consider myself to be...
673
00:32:59,991 --> 00:33:03,750
..a kind of mother hen to you all.
674
00:33:03,751 --> 00:33:06,230
Don't, because you will make me cry.
675
00:33:06,231 --> 00:33:09,230
Oh, shut up, Josie.
676
00:33:09,231 --> 00:33:11,110
Sorry, but this isn't about you.
677
00:33:11,111 --> 00:33:14,950
You're always sticking your
beak in like a big Welsh heron.
678
00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:18,951
Just...
SHE SQUAWKS
679
00:33:19,271 --> 00:33:20,710
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
680
00:33:20,711 --> 00:33:22,230
God!
681
00:33:22,231 --> 00:33:26,231
Don't you have your
own life to sort out?
682
00:33:27,551 --> 00:33:30,470
I was just trying
to help, actually,
683
00:33:30,471 --> 00:33:33,550
because I'm going to be stuck
here, next year, on my own
684
00:33:33,551 --> 00:33:35,390
and I was just trying
to be a good friend
685
00:33:35,391 --> 00:33:38,070
because I wanted to help you all
out, cos I'm such a good friend.
686
00:33:38,071 --> 00:33:40,950
I'm such a good friend that I have
to tell you, actually, Oregon,
687
00:33:40,951 --> 00:33:43,550
that you're NOT
getting your Fulbright.
688
00:33:43,551 --> 00:33:46,190
Because I'm a really good friend,
and you just have to face up
689
00:33:46,191 --> 00:33:50,191
to reality because I'm a really,
really, really good friend.
690
00:33:54,791 --> 00:33:58,550
You opened it?
691
00:33:58,551 --> 00:34:00,270
I think I might open a window.
692
00:34:00,271 --> 00:34:02,030
I might just hide behind this box.
693
00:34:02,031 --> 00:34:04,110
I'm a really, really good friend.
694
00:34:04,111 --> 00:34:07,390
Basically, I'm a really,
really good friend.
695
00:34:07,391 --> 00:34:11,391
SHE SOBS
696
00:34:26,831 --> 00:34:30,831
TV BLARES
697
00:34:31,351 --> 00:34:32,830
He's watching Ross Kemp,
698
00:34:32,831 --> 00:34:35,310
so that's going to
get him all riled.
699
00:34:35,311 --> 00:34:36,910
Give them the money, Vod.
700
00:34:36,911 --> 00:34:38,710
Yeah, Vod. Give them the money.
701
00:34:38,711 --> 00:34:41,590
He's getting tired up
there, I can sense it.
702
00:34:41,591 --> 00:34:44,590
All that ransacking, it does you in.
703
00:34:44,591 --> 00:34:47,230
I'm back to one eye.
704
00:34:47,231 --> 00:34:50,310
I'm basically going into
my finals as a cyclops.
705
00:34:50,311 --> 00:34:52,990
God, I'm going to end up
moving back home, aren't I?
706
00:34:52,991 --> 00:34:54,790
Me, living with my mum,
707
00:34:54,791 --> 00:34:57,030
washing her massive, beige bras.
708
00:34:57,031 --> 00:35:00,630
Howard, I was being stupid.
709
00:35:00,631 --> 00:35:02,670
You can't start again
710
00:35:02,671 --> 00:35:04,870
and you can't stay at
university forever.
711
00:35:04,871 --> 00:35:06,590
Ultimately, that remains to be seen.
712
00:35:06,591 --> 00:35:08,230
Do you know what, Howard?
713
00:35:08,231 --> 00:35:09,790
You're not even that weird.
714
00:35:09,791 --> 00:35:11,390
Not any more.
715
00:35:11,391 --> 00:35:14,550
I mean, you are still
a little bit weird.
716
00:35:14,551 --> 00:35:17,710
I did see you eating that
moth about three months ago.
717
00:35:17,711 --> 00:35:20,630
Yeah, I mean, when I first met you,
718
00:35:20,631 --> 00:35:23,470
I used to dread spending
three seconds with you -
719
00:35:23,471 --> 00:35:26,750
but now I could go,
I don't know,
720
00:35:26,751 --> 00:35:28,870
up to 50 minutes in your company
721
00:35:28,871 --> 00:35:30,430
before I need just a little break.
722
00:35:30,431 --> 00:35:32,710
But what if I flounder?
723
00:35:32,711 --> 00:35:34,710
What if I forget to
swipe my Oyster card
724
00:35:34,711 --> 00:35:37,630
and Transport For London chooses
to make an example of me?
725
00:35:37,631 --> 00:35:40,110
What if I get mugged
every day by the same guy
726
00:35:40,111 --> 00:35:41,550
who can't stop mugging me
727
00:35:41,551 --> 00:35:43,670
because I'm insanely muggable?
728
00:35:43,671 --> 00:35:45,350
Howard...
729
00:35:45,351 --> 00:35:48,030
you're ready.
730
00:35:48,031 --> 00:35:49,910
THUMPING
731
00:35:49,911 --> 00:35:52,430
Right, Vod. Time's up, girl.
732
00:35:52,431 --> 00:35:54,550
Give us the money or
we're smashing the guitar.
733
00:35:54,551 --> 00:35:55,750
What guitar?
734
00:35:55,751 --> 00:35:57,110
Which guitar?
735
00:35:57,111 --> 00:35:59,790
Come on, Mole.
736
00:35:59,791 --> 00:36:01,310
Don't be such a prick.
737
00:36:01,311 --> 00:36:02,670
Don't agitate him,
738
00:36:02,671 --> 00:36:04,110
he's all hopped-up on Ross Kemp!
739
00:36:04,111 --> 00:36:06,830
Is it the Tanglewood or the Yamaha?
MUFFLED YELLING
740
00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:09,230
Could you just look at the
headstock and read it out to me?
741
00:36:09,231 --> 00:36:11,510
Enough's enough, Vod.
Just give them the money.
742
00:36:11,511 --> 00:36:15,470
I cannot stress highly
enough how much I need a poo.
743
00:36:15,471 --> 00:36:17,230
It is 60 grand!
744
00:36:17,231 --> 00:36:19,670
'Vod, listen, girl,
I'm not fucking about!'
745
00:36:19,671 --> 00:36:21,070
You're not going to do this?
746
00:36:21,071 --> 00:36:23,630
Look me in the eye - this eye -
747
00:36:23,631 --> 00:36:25,590
and tell me you're going to do this?
748
00:36:25,591 --> 00:36:28,910
Vod, just forget about the
fucking grad ball. Who cares?
749
00:36:28,911 --> 00:36:31,350
Look, this isn't about
the ball, all right?
750
00:36:31,351 --> 00:36:33,910
I need this money cos...
751
00:36:33,911 --> 00:36:35,790
..it's my finals tomorrow
752
00:36:35,791 --> 00:36:37,390
and I'm about to fuck them up.
753
00:36:37,391 --> 00:36:38,670
No, you're not.
754
00:36:38,671 --> 00:36:41,710
No, I need a fall-back option.
755
00:36:41,711 --> 00:36:43,990
I don't have a miracle, not me.
756
00:36:43,991 --> 00:36:45,910
I've got no-one. You've got us.
757
00:36:45,911 --> 00:36:47,990
No, this is real money.
758
00:36:47,991 --> 00:36:49,750
I could do something with this.
759
00:36:49,751 --> 00:36:52,190
'I'm cutting the
guitar strings, Vod.'
760
00:36:52,191 --> 00:36:54,070
STRING SNAPS
761
00:36:54,071 --> 00:36:56,310
No, that's it, gone again.
762
00:36:56,311 --> 00:37:00,110
I mean, when am I ever going to
get 60 grand again in my life?
763
00:37:00,111 --> 00:37:02,510
Vod, please don't screw
up our finals for us.
764
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,310
STRING SNAPS
Ah.
765
00:37:04,311 --> 00:37:07,750
'Right, last chance, Vod, or
I'm smashing the shit out of it!'
766
00:37:07,751 --> 00:37:09,430
'Three...'
STRING SNAPS
767
00:37:09,431 --> 00:37:11,190
Ahh. '..two...' Do something, Vod.
768
00:37:11,191 --> 00:37:14,470
He's about to have a fucking stroke!
769
00:37:14,471 --> 00:37:18,110
'Vod, I'm not fucking messing, love!
770
00:37:18,111 --> 00:37:22,111
'Where the fuck is it?!
771
00:37:23,111 --> 00:37:27,111
'Vod?!' All right, I'm coming!
772
00:37:29,071 --> 00:37:31,350
Just take it, you dirty monster.
773
00:37:31,351 --> 00:37:35,351
'Nice one. Sorry for bothering you.'
774
00:37:38,111 --> 00:37:42,111
TV BLARES
775
00:37:42,391 --> 00:37:44,990
Thanks, Vod.
776
00:37:44,991 --> 00:37:47,030
No worries.
777
00:37:47,031 --> 00:37:51,031
You would've done the same for me.
778
00:37:51,991 --> 00:37:55,830
OK, so, I've got a geology exam
I should probably cram for.
779
00:37:55,831 --> 00:37:59,831
OK, I think I'm going
to just... Yeah.
780
00:38:02,631 --> 00:38:04,670
I'm sure you're aware but...
781
00:38:04,671 --> 00:38:08,671
everyone got quite
nutty down in the cellar.
782
00:38:09,071 --> 00:38:11,110
You don't REALLY like me, do you?
783
00:38:11,111 --> 00:38:14,110
No, I definitely don't like you.
784
00:38:14,111 --> 00:38:15,510
Good...
785
00:38:15,511 --> 00:38:18,950
because I DEFINITELY don't like you.
786
00:38:18,951 --> 00:38:21,630
Well, that's...
787
00:38:21,631 --> 00:38:25,631
..worked out pretty
tooting perfectly.
788
00:38:27,911 --> 00:38:31,270
Did he take my guitar?
789
00:38:31,271 --> 00:38:35,271
Where's my guitar?
790
00:38:35,551 --> 00:38:36,870
SMASH
791
00:38:36,871 --> 00:38:38,790
Ah, fuck!
792
00:38:38,791 --> 00:38:41,710
Oh!
793
00:38:41,711 --> 00:38:45,711
I've stepped on my fucking guitar!
794
00:38:49,311 --> 00:38:53,311
MUSIC: Insieme A Te Non Ci Sto Piu
by Caterina Caselli
795
00:39:19,631 --> 00:39:28,070
Subtitles by Ericsson
796
00:39:28,071 --> 00:39:29,091
797
00:39:29,141 --> 00:39:33,691
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
60202
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