All language subtitles for Fresh Meat s02e06.eng

This programme
contains strong language.

Right. It's been 15 minutes.

(SINGING)

I've got a dental routine to hit.

What! What the fuck?

I'm having a shower here.
A naked shower.

OK, seriously, I am not
comfortable with this at all.

Women joining me in
the shower - tick.

Angry brushing occurring
whilst I'm trying to give

the J-penis his morning beauty
routine - a big fat fucking cross.

All right, JP. Honestly, chill out.
It's no biggie.

Ooh! Or is it?

And kiddies, if you ever need
to go back to geo' kindergarten,

don't forget that one little phrase

that helps you remember
all of geological time...

Camels Often Sit Down Carefully

Pe... Pecause Trying
Jumps, er, Creatures.

It's not... I mean, it's not that.
It's, er... Now then, Camels...

This is ridiculous. Dan's lectures
are littered with errors.

Agreed. He is both
shoddy and unreliable.

He's a fucking disgrace.
And he's a dick.

(DAN) Or whatever the rest of it is.

Oh, God, I'm horny!

Oh! And, um, if you're in B Group and
coming on the field trip tomorrow,

don't forget it is tomorrow.

I've just remembered that it's
tomorrow, so I'll see you then,

ie, tomorrow.

I won't forget to turn up,
like I did with A Group.

That won't happen again.
I'll tell you why -

because I'm writing
the details...on my hand.

Howard, JP, shall we
all make a complaint?

Yeah.

Great lecture, Dan. Thanks, Dan.

Hey, H-bomb, erm, you know
that summer placement at Shell

that you asked me to look into?

Yeah.

Tough one.

Erm, big application pack,

plus the downfall of many a promising
geological career - personality test.

It's just one trick question
after another.

Exactly. But, between us,
I've managed to fast-track your ass,

by claiming that you are
highly socially able.

Oh, wow! Shit!

If I was more socially able,
I would say... You know, but...

Cup of tea, JP?

Um, n-no, thank you.

So, what were you saying about Dan?

Er, just that his lecture
was full of errors again.

You should complain.

Yeah, I thought that
but then I thought no.

Thanks, Kings.

But you think yeah? You're right.
We should complain. Right, guys?

Yeah.

My next lot of RAF money's here.

Finally, I can bin
the fucking cleaning.

Just going to give my uniform a
final wash before I send it back.

"Dear Violet, we are pleased
to inform you

"that your next bursary payment
is now available."

It's easier to remove stubborn
stains at high temperatures.

"Due to new regulations, however,

"we now require you to take
a routine drug test

"before the money is released."

(SNIGGERS)

I...will see you later, Melissa.

DOOR CREAKS

Knock, knock.

Sorry to interrupt.

Can I have some of your piss, Oregon?

Er, hello to you, too, Vod. Come in.

Oregon?

Yeah, it's just a, just
a nickname they gave me.

Well, nickname you gave yourself.

Bye.

So?

Second date went as well
as the first, then?

Yeah, I think so. I-I don't
really know what's going on.

He just got a text and left.

Hmm. Player.

But he asked me to
go for a drink tonight.

What do you think that means?

Does he want to talk?
What does he want to talk about?

Is he going to dump me? Is he going
to tell me he's seeing someone else?

Is he going to invite me
into a threesome?

Or is it just, "Let's go for
a drink because I need a drink,

"because I have
a problem with drink?"

Hmm.

Yeah, it could be any one of those.

Anyway, spare some piss for
the piss beggar? Got a drug test.

Are you sure you won't pass?

Spliff stays in your system
for eight weeks, so...

When was the last time
you had a spliff?

Dunno. Last night?

Some time this morning?

Do you want a gulp to get you going?

Hang on. We had those hash cakes
last week, remember?

Oh, shit, yeah.

God, what is wrong with my memory?

..begin to have more obvious
signs of gum disease.

Untreated plaque build-up will
lead to chronic inflammation.

This in turn can lead
to a susceptibility

to low-grade infection,

the breakdown of the tooth enamel,

which is something you are always
looking for in an examination.

Why are you still
attending classes, Josie?

Well, as a diligent student...

You're not a student.

I think it's very important to
stay on top of your coursework.

There is no coursework.

You are off the course.

Well, technically, I'm appealing,
so, I'm still on the course.

There is no appeal process.

I'm appealing to you now.
That's an appeal.

I reject your appeal.
You're off the course.

Do you understand?

Dr Minaj, at the end of the day,
I'm a dentist.

That's just who I am.

Josie, you are not a dentist.

That is exactly what you are not.

You will never be a dentist.

You used a tungsten drill while drunk

and mutilated
a woman's buccal cavity!

Well, don't say it like that!

I mean, it sounds worse
if you say it like that.

Look.

It was a very stressful time.

I was going through
some very emotional...

..emotions.

Josie, I'm worried that, er,
unlike your tungsten drill,

what I'm saying is
not getting through.

What you did was
utterly irresponsible

and incredibly dangerous.

This woman has a hole in her head.

Yeah, I know!
But it's only a tiny one.

Josie, you have been officially
removed from the course.

Come back and I will call security.

(BREATHES RAPIDLY)

Howard, can I get
a portion of your seeds?

They are your seeds, no?
I love your seeds.

By all means, Sabine.
Erm, have some of my seeds.

And if you like my seeds, there's
plenty more where they came from.

Mmm.

Good.

I just don't know what
Dylan's thinking.

God, I wish men would just
make it clear what they want.

That's it.

Level complete.

This is him. "Can't meet early
evening. Can we do later on?"

Oh, definitely a player.

He could be genuine.

No, this is a move. Yeah, that sounds
like a standard template he uses.

Probably a group text.

You probably come up on
his mobile as Bitch Three.

How many kisses did he sign it with?

Two.

That's classic player.

One looks like not making an effort.

Three - looks like actual affection.

Two's a default setting.
Two's basically "fuck you".

Yeah, I knew that.

What a bastard.

God, I'm so frigging horny.

Why don't you just
take a cold shower?

Don't say shower.

Why can I not say shower?

Has...Heather said something?

Why?

Did something happen in the shower?

Did you walk in on
Heather in the shower?

No!

That definitely did not happen.

Why are you saying it like that?
What did happen?

Nothing.

Right.

I...am...going to go

for a walk.

JP, what's going on?

Why are you going for a walk?
Students don't go for walks.

You're changing the subject.
Why are you changing the subject?

Howard, open up.

You cannot come in!

Oh! It's nothing
I ain't seen before.

All right. What's going on?

You about to have
the wank of the century?

What do you want?

Can I borrow your piss?

I cannot let that happen.

I'd give you my piss.

I'd give you unlimited piss,
if you needed it!

What if the lab suspected
it wasn't a genuine sample

and they traced it back to me?

My genetic profile would be
on their database indefinitely.

If they want to frame me
for murder - no problem.

They want to clone me
and harvest my organs -

a piece of piss. Literally.

I cannot let that happen.
I need to stay off-grid.

I'm disappointed.

I thought we had something, Howard.

I thought we were mates.

I thought we could piss-share.

I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.

OK.

Thank you very much
for the offer of your stick.

Come in.

Make yourself...

..comfortable.

It's very dark in here.

Yes. Do you like it?

Not really. You have the kind of
room that in a film

would be a murderer's room.
No offence.

None taken.

I was just about to have some wine.

Would you like a, er, mug of wine?

No, thank you.
I have an essay I need to finish.

So will you give me your stick?

Take my stick.

And, er, for future reference,

you can have my stick,
any time you like.

OK. Thank you. That's good to know.

Is it? Sure.

The thing is, Heather, the faculty
don't know how easy it is

to make a mistake
with the new equipment.

A petition will show them just how
strongly the students feel about it.

It could have been any one of us
with that drill in our hand.

Isn't it weird how you used
to have a thing with Kingsley?

Isn't that weird, but now it's
like...nothing. Isn't that weird?

And the cool thing is they won't let
me appeal, so people will be like,

"No! People power."

In a way, this is our Arab Spring.

Excuse me! Erm, do you mind
signing this petition?

It's to stop a girl who
drilled through a woman's cheek

from getting chucked off her course.

No, I'm not signing that!

I guess what I mean is,
there could be an atmosphere,

but there isn't, is there?

No.

In a way, it's weird how cool we are
that it isn't weird, isn't it?

Yeah, cos we're, like, friends,

and friends look after
their friends, right?

Yeah.
Friends look after their friends.

Excuse me! Hi, do you mind
signing this petition?

It's to stop them raising
the price of beer in the union.

Oh, right. Yeah, OK.

Pen.

Thank you.

JP, please can you
stop drawing cocks?

It's putting me off my banana.

Er, I'm trying to distract myself
from you eating the banana.

Because it's giving me the horn.

Right. What time's
your drink with Dylan?

Oh, I had a text from him.

He says he can't do tonight but
can we do lunch tomorrow instead?

Oh, he's good. He's very good.

Hi, guys. God, such a busy day and
I haven't stopped for a minute,

and I've got so much work
to do this weekend.

There's just no rest for a dentist!

What?

I am a dentist. There's nothing
weird about me saying I'm a dentist.

Can I have your piss?

Yeah, do you have a bottle?

See, that's what I like about Josie.

She'll give you her piss,
no questions asked.

Respect is due.

It's good that the complaints
procedure's anonymous, isn't it?

But what if he's found
a way around it?

He looks pissed off.

What if the secretary said something?

Just...

Is this it?

He knows.

What if he knows?

We'll be in such deep shit
if he knows.

Kingsley...

Right, if we get separa...

If we get separated, then
we meet at the minibus at three.

I am leaving at three,
no exceptions.

Good.

Really looking forward to it,
great day.

How are you?

Great.

Great.

Except some ungrateful
little geo-Judas

has lodged a complaint against me.

Oh, God.

God, Howard.

God.

Wow.

Oh, God.

Confidential, naturally.

(HE SIGHS)

Bloody typical.

Health and safety.

Why do they have to make it
confidential?

I've never considered it,

never having been involved
with a complaint system and shit.

That is so bloody annoying.

God.

I'm so annoyed...for you.

I've got a massive erection.

Even this van is giving me the horn.

I'm having fricking horny week.

Right, let's roll.

Apologies for the driving.

ENGINE STALLS

Any complaints?

The petition's not working.

I've only got ten signatures,
and one of them's Ban Ki-moon.

I need to think of something else.

And the way I see it, Heather...

we need to normalise
drilling through faces.

You're not going to
do it again, are you?

No.

This is just an idea, and never
going to happen in a million years,

but you could.

Top student in our year...

You have a drill accident,
then they're like,

"Oh, this mishap
could befall anybody."

Will they?

Yeah.

I mean, come it's crazy,
we're not going to do it,

but if you did,
there'd be a pattern,

to make it their problem,
not our problem.

Your problem.

You know Goth Linda?

Linda...

Linda the Goth?

Uh...

Wears a full length black cape
with "Goth" embroidered on the back?

Yeah...

Goth Linda.

Well, you may have noticed
that she has multiple piercings.

Yeah?

So, I thought, ask her
to come to the practical -

and I'm just brainstorming here -

then you give her
consensual nasal piercing.

Yeah? Slight bit of acting -

"Oh, God! The drill slipped!"

Meanwhile, you've already
applied hydrogen peroxide

with a cotton wool ball,
there's no danger of infection.

You want me to put a hole
in her nose on purpose?

No!

No, God, no, no, no.

Yeah.

Mother nature...

the ultimate MILF.

Hello, nature.

Prepare to get fucked.

Have you actually ever done
any climbing?

Uh, yes. D of E,
three nights in the Cotswolds.

No grown-ups, no nothing.

Oh, hi, Dan.

I give my students everything.

You know that, K-man.

When I find out who did this,

I am going to do
some dark shit to them.

Dark...messy shit.

Yeah.

Nice, really.

You show those shits who's boss.

We were meant to be going to a cafe,

but then he texted to say
change of plan.

Oooh.

This guy is using some
serious psychology.

He's obviously lowering
your self-esteem

before he tries on something major.

But then he texted to say,
"Let's go for a picnic instead."

Yeah, right - dogging.

Maybe he's just romantic.

Yeah, maybe he's
pretending to be romantic

before he asks you to do
something weird with a baguette.

BUZZER

So, what's with the picnic?

Oh, I thought it might be fun.

Wasn't the original plan, though.

No, spur of the moment.

And, uh, sorry about
cancelling last night.

It's my dad,
he's upset about the divorce,

he wanted to meet up for a chat.

That's nice of you.

Would you say you're
generally pretty nice?

I don't know.

Not really.

I'm trying to send a group text.

Do you ever send group texts?

No, sorry, I don't.

I'm thinking of getting a new phone.

Would it be all right
if I have a look at your phone?

Sure.

It's quite an old one, though.

Good.

I'm thinking about
getting quite an old one.

Do you ever play games on your phone?

No.

I'm not much of a game player.

Look, is everything OK?

It's just, I come over for a coffee,

and now I feel I'm somewhat on trial
for an unspecified crime.

(LAUGHS AND MUMBLES)

I'm just going to go check
if I locked my bike.

So, what do you think?

I think you've found Mr Perfect.

What do you mean?

He's like obsessive compulsive
or something?

I mean, like, he's actually perfect.

He's nice, he's disease-free,
he's under 60,

he's got nothing to hide...

And he's really into you.

It's like you've found a man
with three thumbs.

You should put him
in a glass cabinet, he's a freak.

OK, B Group.

Now, the purpose of this trip is
to establish what happened here.

What's the geological story?

And I want your reports
on my desk in a week's time.

That's if I still have
a desk in a week's time.

Why won't these ropes
stick to the rock?!

It's meant to come
with the shiny metal bits

that make it stick to the rock.

JP, stop being a prick.

Fuck it, this rope's shit.

I'm free climbing.

Where's Dan?

He went to make a phone call.

Do you think he knows it was us
who made the complaint?

We are going to be in such deep shit.

Not my problem, I didn't complain.

What?

You said you were going to complain!

Yeah, I was going to,

but then I slept on it and decided
I couldn't really be arsed.

Oh. That's fair enough.

That's completely understandable.

You probably had better things to do,

like draw a massive dong,
or tell someone you've got a stiffy.

Yeah, thanks, JP.

I mean, thank God Howard
backed me up!

You did back me up, right, Howard?

Honestly?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

He's selling bad knowledge!

I'm going to be paying for the next
75 years for an incorrect mnemonic!

Dan got me a summer
placement at Shell.

Oh, that's nice.

Thanks for selling me out.

Says the man who stole my position
as the corporate face of BP.

You know, nut sack, you don't
have the moral high ground.

JP, just because you are high up

does not mean you have
the moral high ground.

You know what your
problem is, Kingsley?

My housemates are liars?

No, you're pussy-whipped.

Heather told you to make a
complaint, so you made a complaint.

Pussy-whipped.

Shut up, JP, you are not allowed
to talk about my girlfriend.

Or her pussy, or its whippiness.

I thought we were having Cokes?

I just had a phone call.

Great news - Goth Linda is totally
up for having her nose drilled,

so I thought you could do
with a little loosener

before you get stuck into
the drilling. Cheers!

I don't feel good about this.

And getting drunk is
not going to help.

It worked for me.

Drunk drilling is not cool, Josie.

Friends don't let
their friends drill drunk.

It's just...

anaesthetic.

Anaesthetic for the dentist?

Yeah.

Why should all the patients
always have all the fun?

I really don't think
this is a great idea.

Hey, you're not going
to hurt anybody.

Except Linda?

Right, Linda wants to get hurt.

She doesn't even want any novocaine.

She's a Goth.

True pain to a Goth is like
lack of pain, they're drawn to it.

Anyway, let's drink up
to a great plan

and that race of people
known as Goths or Visigoths.

I don't know...

Come on!

We're the mental dentals!

Yeah, I'm dental and you're mental.

You are my friend, aren't you?

Friends do look out
for their friends.

That's what's so cool
about being friends.

Where's Dan?

He must have gone back
to the minibus.

Bit of help, guys!

Or he's already left.

Seriously, guys, bit of help!

He wouldn't do that,
he'd get fired for doing that.

I mean, we're alone in the wild.

And aren't people always releasing
big cats into the wild?

OK, can you pay attention now,
please?

What if we got attacked by a puma?

Or a leopard?

That's probably
highly unlikely, but...

I mean, he would look pretty bad
if we got attacked by a puma.

Seriously, JP, what the fuck?!

I'm stuck!

You cant be stuck, just come
back down the way you went up.

Oh, God, that's a brilliant idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, no, wait, I did think of that.

It was like the first thing
I thought of, you fucking retard.

Oh, well, now I'm inclined to help.

I can't come back down
the way I came up.

The footholds I was using broke off.

Just jump.
Stop being so melodramatic.

I can't jump, it's too high!

I'm like that guy
in 127-fucking-Hours!

I'm trapped up here
and I'm going to die!

(HE SOBS) I didn't
even like that film.

Er, Violet Nordstrom.
Here for my test results.

OK.

Hang on. What's this?

Beta-blockers.

Beta-blockers.
And I'm on them for...?

Stress and anxiety.

Oh, yeah. I forgot I was on those.

Obviously work then!

If I stop taking 'em -

which I can do very, very easily -

err, can I do a quick retest?

The results have already been
sent off, I'm afraid.

To the RAF, is it?

Oh, come on!
You can't do that!

What about, erm...
patient confidentiality?

Drugs tests can't be
completely confidential.

Somebody's got to see the results

otherwise there'd be
no point doing them.

Oh, they're going to
take my money away.

What am I going to do
without my money?

Sell my fucking kidneys?
You'd like that wouldn't you?

I don't think those
beta-blockers are working for you.

I'm not taking the beta blockers!
It's not my urine!

I couldn't give you my urine
cos I smoke absolutely tons of weed!

Don't write that down!

That's confidential!

I know I shouted it,
but I shouted it in confidence.

I can't hold on much longer!

I'll go get help.

No, don't go! You have to be here
to catch me when I fall!

We can't catch you,
we'll break our arms.

Yeah, well if I fall,
I'll break everything.

We have to share the breakage.

We'll make a jacket pile,
you can land on that.

Are you out of your
fucking mind, Howard?

Obviously we can't make
a jacket pile with only two jackets.

I'll call mountain rescue!

Good. Well done. Thank you!

No, there's no signal.

Can you just go and get Dan?

I mean, where the fuck is he?

We don't know where he is.

I want help!

Why is nobody helping me?

Did Heather say something?

What actually happened with Heather?

I was having a shower
and she sort of...

And she walked in on you?

Oh, my God,
why didn't you stop her?

What am I mean to do if
your girlfriend walks in on me

in the shower and then
just starts looking at me naked?

Is that why you keep
going on about being horny?

No.

Actually, yes.

You forced her to look at you naked!

You flashed her!

I did nothing wrong!

You're a sex pest!

She is a Peeping Tom!

She peeped on me.

She raped me with her eyes!

What?

Are you saying my girlfriend went
out of her way to deliberately eye up

your naked genitals?

Yes! And she liked it!

She was all like, "Um, oh, uh-huh,
yeah, ah, that's some good sugar..."

Are you saying
my girlfriend deliberately

took a look at your cock?

She fucking loved it, Kingsley!

And she liked what she saw and she
made approving and suggestive noises?

Yeah!

Because if that is what
you're saying, I will walk away

and I will leave you here to die.

Is that what you are saying?

No?

Ow! Fucker!

Kingsley, that was part of
my rock sample, thank you very much.

Fucking fuck head!

Kingsley.

Yeah. Yeah?

What are you doing?

Ow!

He fancies my girlfriend.

Yeah, OK, look, I fancy everyone!

Oh, really?

Do you fancy Sabine?

Yes! I even fancy Sabine.

And she's, like, 40.

And a munter.

(YELLS)

Ow!

What are you doing?
Why are you throwing rocks?

(YELLS)

Look, I can't help it,
I'm just a very loving person.

I'll kill you!

I'm a bit like Jesus in that way.

Howard, get the fuck off me!

Jesus was very loving, as am I.

I'm a bit like, sort of,
lecherous Jesus.

Howard, calm down!

SHUTTER CLICKS

Very nice.

Can I see? Let me see.

There you go. More wine?

Delete, delete...

PHONE RINGS

That'll either be my mad mum
or my desperate dad.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry, I fucked your phone!

I'm so sorry,
I fucked your old phone!

It's so old and horrible,
I wish I'd never fucked it!

It's not that old.

I mean, it's still an iPhone.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I wish I'd never seen your phone!

I'll make it better.
I can make it better.

No, no Melissa! It's just a phone!

Oh! I've found it!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

I'll make it all better!

I've totally killed your phone!

Look!

There's Goth Linda.

I'm really not sure
if I can do this.

Of course you can.

And you can't disappoint Linda.

Look how happy she is.

You never see a happy Goth.

MACHINES WHIRR

This moss is delicious!

It's got, like, moss water!

JP, don't lick that,
it'll have bird shit on it.

I'm going to go now.

What? Where are you going?

I'm not going home.
I am going to...

find Dan.

Is that a good idea?

Yes, it is.
Because I really want to...

see Dan.

We still don't know
where Dan is.

I want Dan.

Are you guys talking about me?

Are you going to eat me?

Yeah fine, go and find Dan.

Ask him about the time
he nearly met Morrissey,

that story only takes ten hours.

I will. It's exciting!

I'll see yous later!

Right, I'm going to have
to let go soon.

If I push off, it'll be
my legs that break first.

Good.

WATER RUNS

What the fuck?

What was that?

Umm... my water bottle is leaking
water on you. That's...

That's what that was
and not anything else.

Anything else? Like what?

Oh, my God!

Have you just pissed on me?

No!

No, I definitely did not
just do that.

Argh! Argh!

Oh, come on, it's only
a little bit of wee-wee.

Aaaargh!

(GROANS)

Where are the others?

They said just to go ahead
without them.

They're going to make
their own way back.

Can we just go?
I need to go home.

I know Kingsley's the Geo Judas.

You do not know that.
That is pure conjecture.

I've been emailed
a PDF of the complaint.

I recognised the writing.

He does his As like a girl.

The complaints procedure
should be anonymous.

Well, if you don't like it,
you could always complain.

I don't want to complain.

To be honest, if you want
to leave Kingsley here

cos he complained,
I wouldn't complain.

I would applaud. He deserves it.

JP deserves it, too.
He was in on it.

I'd love to leave them behind,
Howard. I really would.

But no, unfortunately,
I have to go back and get them.

Because that is my job.

Well, then,
I'm getting off this minibus

and I am walking or riding a puma

or even in extremis,
for the first time in my life

using a taxi man
because I have to get home!

DRILL WHIRRS

Do it, do it!

Fucking do it!

Come on, Heather,
fucking drill the hole,

fucking drill the bitch.

Fucking drill the bitch!

I can't do it.

Right, I don't know what
you're so unhappy about.

Yeah? Unhappiness is
supposed to make you happy.

That is the Goth way.

I'm sorry. I did try.

Do you know what?
I thought you were my friend?

I asked you to do one thing for me.

What? Drill into someone's face and
risk getting kicked off my course?

That's got to count as...

I mean, yes, it's one thing,
but it's a big thing.

Yeah? Well, I let you go out with
Kingsley and move into my house!

You let me?

Which I am fine with, obviously.

I did ask if it was OK
and you did say it was.

And it is.

But I thought maybe, just maybe
you could do something for me.

But you know what? It doesn't matter.

It probably wasn't
the best idea anyway.

Still friends though?

Yeah. Course.

Come here. Totally.

Kingsley!

I want a tuna sandwich.

I am... I am sorry about
the whole Heather thing.

It's not really your fault.

She can be quite odd sometimes.

Sometimes I think she quite
likes making me feel paranoid.

Anyway, I shouldn't
have lost my temper.

I'm basically, as you know,
a pretty mellow guy

and I'm sorry I over-reac...

Argh!

Arghh!

Aaargh!

Aargh!

Am I dead? Is this my dead voice?

You could have killed me!

I'm alive!

And I'm unbroken!

What about me, you selfish prick?

Look at my leg.

It's probably broken.

It is, it is broken, look! Blood!

I'm a fucking ledge!

What a story.

I was stranded on the ledge,

I fell from the ledge and then
I survived the fucking ledge.

I am a fucking ledge-ledge!

Ledge-ledge!

Ledge, ledge! Ledge!

JP! Help me!

Fucking legend!

Help me!

Ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge...
I'm a ledge. Woah!

Don't leave me...

Ledge...

I don't get it.

They're for anxiety,
what have you got to worry about?

Your course is all paid for.

Unlike mine.

Without my bursary I'm screwed.

Are you worried about it?

Yes!

Would you like a beta-blocker?

No!

Oh, go on then.

What's the matter?

Problem with Mr Perfect?

I'm sitting outside having
a lovely picnic

with lovely, hot, perfect Dylan

and I'm looking through his photos
and then his phone rings

and I look at the screen
and then the name comes up as "Dad"

and then a picture of his dad
comes up and his dad is Tony Shales.

Fuck off!

Oh, that is weird.

Fuck. Right. Off.

So weird.

I know.

But he's perfect.

There's nothing wrong with him.

Oh, there is. There is
one thing wrong with him.

I've fucked his dad.

However, on the positive side
of things, it is not incest.

No, no, it is a bit Jeremy Kyle,
but it is not incest.

Do they have the same cum face?

Oh, my God, some went in my eye!

Hey, Horse, yeah, it's JP.

I just had a hundred foot fall
from a fucking cliff.

And I survived it
completely unscathed.

Yeah you know the beginning of MI2?

It was just like that.

Kingsley!

Oh, Dan.

Are you all right?

Jesus, it is so great to see you!

Oh, I'm sorry, Kingsley,
my foot slipped.

No problem. Ow, my leg!

It's so fucking painful!

Jump in.

Ah. Dan.

I think you're doing that on purpose.

I'm sorry, Kingsley.

It's just my driving
is full of errors.

OK, I see...

Yeah, I'm making so many errors,
I think you'd probably be better off without me.

I wouldn't, Dan.
I really wouldn't.

What's that, Kingsley?
Was that an apology?

I'm sorry, Dan.

I'll phone the department,
withdraw the complaint.

I've got nothing to complain about!

What's that you say, Kingsley?

I'm a fucking great guy?

You're a great guy!

A really great guy.

Please slow down,
you sadistic bastard!

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Do you need my stick?

I got the message,
that you might need my stick?

No, I'm OK now.

OK, it's just that...

I came all the way back from the
Pennines talking about football

with a taxi man.

Sabine, I just need to know...

Is this stick, you know, is it...

a euphemism?

Yes, it's a euphemism.

I was wondering if you wanted
to make fuck buddies again

but I masturbated so I'm OK now.

So if you like, when I've finished
my noodles, I can give you a handjob?

Fuck!

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