Original subtitles

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

Happy Christmas Eve, Mike. Happy Hanukkah Eve, Rio.

Thank you, Rudy. Thank you for seeing me.

Rio, I stocked some Jewish decorations for you.

Oh, that is so thoughtful.

So, these are not Stars of David.

These are, uh... satanic pentagrams.

Oh, dear.

That makes sense now.

There was talk about "The Beast" on the website.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, the Dark Lord, sure.

But they're very lovely.

Why are you two still here?

Shouldn't you be with family?

We're... We're kinda doing Christmas alone together, and...

- Yeah. - It's our first Christmas in Bucksnort.

And I'm gonna cook a goose.

I ordered one... A real beautiful bird,

- from a boutique organic market... - He ordered a goose.

- ... just outside of Dubuque. - Why?

Frank has got a whole pond full of geese, and he hates them.

Oh, well, maybe next year, I'll... I'll bag one of those.

- Yeah. - Okay, $5.50.

Brandon's gone, so I'm gonna be at Connie's.

- Okay. - So, don't try a-knockin',

'cause Connie's gonna be a-rockin'.

The first time I'm going to lay her.

Oh, that's information...

- that we're getting. - Yeah.

Not if I lay him first.

All right, we're gonna go watch the lights.

- All right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Away in a manger ♪

♪ No crib for a bed ♪

♪ The little lord J... ♪

Why is Clara the only one singing?

Oh, 'cause she's been drinking beer since noon.

♪ Look down where he lay ♪

- ♪ The li... ♪ - Okay, everybody.

"Merry Christmas" on three.

One, two, three!

Merry Christmas!

- Oh. - Oh!

- Lot... Lot of build-up. - Yeah, a lot of pageantry.

Yeah.

Here we go!

Now we're getting somewhere!

Now we're talking.

This one goes out to the kitties.

♪ Meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow-meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow-meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

I'll bite. ♪ Meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow-meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

Do it.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Honey, I love this sculpture that your family sent.

Did Santa actually visit the baby Jesus?

Uh, with Christmas, in general,

it's best not to ask how the sausage is made.

- Just enjoy the yummy sausage. - Sure, yeah.

Merry Christmas, roommates.

Look at this jolly gentleman.

The time has come. I'm off to Kay's.

Jacob deserves a Christmas with both parents...

- Sure - .... and I am going to deliver.

Also, I'm gonna deliver for Kay a custard pie.

We're really proud of you, Beau.

You were this caterpillar, you know?

And now you've blossomed to be this... this butterfly,

- and it's really beautiful to see. - Yeah.

I am a butterfly, aren't I?

- Yeah. - I'm like a...

A very sexy butterfly with...

- With big butterfly muscles... - Mm.

And... and... and great butterfly masculine instincts.

- Yeah. - A-A ripped monarch.

All right! Go get 'em!

- That's sweet. - You know what else is sweet?

Huh?

Listen to that sound.

It's the sound of no Beau and no Rudy

- in this house. - Oh, my goodness.

You're right. There's no snoring.

- There's no yelling. - No.

No one's arguing about

whether Ronald Reagan was a good actor.

- It's like, "Who cares?" - Who cares?

- Ahh! Yeah. - So peaceful and relaxing.

We're pretty overdue for some alone time.

- Mm. - Ooh, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take a bath. You know what I mean?

I'm gonna have to go upstairs and first, like,

sort of scrub the Rudy and Beau off the bath.

- Sure. - But then I'm gonna take a bath.

- I'll be in the kitchen... - Okay.

... preparing our fancy-ass dinner...

... that I mail-ordered...

... 'cause it's goose-glazing time.

- I can't wait. - Yes. Okay.

Uh, by the way, it's gonna... It's gonna take

- about three hours. - That's all right.

It's gonna take me three hours to scrub the tub.

- Oh, wonderful. - So, it works out.

- That'll time out beautifully. - Yeah.

Beau, did you bake? Wait, are you wearing my apron?

If you're doing an impression of me,

I'm not interested, okay?

I'm not in the mood to be mocked.

I'm just putting the finishing touches

on these cookie tins.

I know it usually takes most of your day,

so I wanted to get a jump-start on that.

I also threw away my beer-can ornament collection that you hate.

Even the Santa with the swim trunks

- who's pouring a beer over his head? - Yeah.

- And Margaritaville? - Uh-huh.

The one that plays "I Got Friends in Low Places"?

- Did you like that one? - No.

You liked some of them.

Didn't like any of them.

- Okay, they're gone. - I wrapped the gifts.

Uh, you got Jacob a Jason Statham Blu-ray set.

Actually, I did my own shopping this year.

Hey, Jacob, we're doing gifts!

What do you mean you did your...

- You bought that yourself? - I still get gifts this year?

- Yeah. - I-I just...

I thought maybe broken homes didn't do it.

This is so exciting!

Okay, well, Jacob, just to be clear...

I-I get it, Mom. I know.

Just because Dad's home does not mean

that you guys are getting back together.

I know. I just want to enjoy the holidays.

That's good, because...

happiness is a journey, not a destination.

The Buddha.

Yeah, that's something Rio repeats all the time.

A key?

An ATV?

Yeah!

Oh, my gosh!

Well, that is a very thoughtful and generous gift.

- Okay, take it for a spin. - Yes!

- Love you guys! - Golly!

Okay, you, uh...

... need any help in the kitchen?

Do I need any what?

Help.

I can't hear you. Say it again.

- Do you need help? - Help?

- One more time. - I would like to help you.

Ohh. Pregnant Mary on the donkey.

You can do this. You can do this.

Merry Christmas!

Geez.

Rudy, this is my mama.

So, you're the new boyfriend?

Please, God, don't unwrap me.

In retrospect,

this was a colossal error in judgment.

Just curious, at your age, how's your eyesight?

20/20.

Rudy, Mama just got here an hour ago,

- and it was quite a surprise. - Oh. Mm-hmm.

Constance wouldn't tell me much about you,

so I feared the worst.

Is that what social media has done to your generation?

Okay, aside from that pornographic event

that you bore witness to, I can assure you...

I'm an upstanding gentleman.

Well, Constance is my pride and joy.

My one wish is that she be well taken care of.

So, Mr. Rudy, you got a job?

- Oh, boy. - Where you live?

You rent or own?

- Oh, dear. - And what about savings?

"Yes."

Mama, Rudy's a very successful farmer.

- That's right. - Right.

And I have a diverse investment portfolio, too,

that includes stocks, paper money, gold bullion.

I keep it all in a giant house on a desirable street.

Is that so?

Yeah.

Please don't contradict the lies I'm about to tell.

What are y...

Welcome to my home!

Mama, this is Rudy's farm.

Mm. And who are these people?

- Um... - Yeah, who... who are we, Rudy?

Farm hands.

Mike and Rio used to have their own farm,

but they lost it, like morons.

Now they live in my barn.

Is that a picture of a cat holding another cat?

I love it.

Help yourself.

- I showed Belle my genitals. - You what?

- No, no. No, no. - I did. I...

You were supposed to wrap it up for Connie,

- and now you... - Why would you...?

She showed up in town. I-I didn't know she'd be there.

- What did you feel like... - She opened the door...

... and I was like this.

- I'm sorry. - I suggested he wrap up

like a-a yule log offering.

And now I need to convince my mom

that Rudy is good enough for me.

Rudy, I want to keep this.

- Go right ahead. - How did she get that off the wall?

- Excuse me, Rudy's servants. - Uh-huh.

When is dinner?

- Oh, yes. Dinner. - Dinner.

So, we have not prepared anything

specifically for you, per se.

Um...

A-A-And yet... And yet,

we have a Christmas goose that we have prepared.

- For thy. - Thy.

Now put a pep in your step.

- I don't want to have to beat you both. - What?

They put that valve in an interesting place.

But I'm not thinking about that kinda stuff.

- It's Christmas. - Yeah.

Thank you for everything you did today.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry that you even feel like you have to thank me.

It's stuff I should've been just doing most of the time anyway.

But... And I never thanked you.

Shut... Shut up.

Shut up your mouth.

My life was so much better when you were in it.

And I know why we are where we are,

but I just want you to know that I accept that,

and I'm grateful for you.

What did you just say?

I'm grateful for you.

Oh, my God. Sweet baby Jesus in the hay.

I've got four or five more snowmen,

- if you want me to blow those up. - Mm-hmm.

Or, um, put on those Christmas pajamas

that you bought me 15 years ago that I refused to wear?

- Oh. - I could mist those poinsettias.

They look like they could use that.

No, there's just one thing I want from you right now.

I want you to make love to me, you son of a bitch.

I agree.

Whoo!

- Ta-da. - Oh!

- This looks delicious! - Lovely.

- Thank you. - Yes.

I hope you enjoy.

Can you blend mine with some water?

You... You would like a goose smoothie?

Ooh, that sounds delicious. I'll have one of those, too.

That's not necessary. We're fine to chew.

Great.

Are they eating with us?

I'm sorry, but you must leave.

Just so I'm tracking this,

you want us to go to the barn

and not enjoy this goose that we brined for six days

and then air-dried overnight

so it would be perfectly crisp?

You'll eat hay, and you'll enjoy it, too!

Um...

- Yeah. Well... - As you wish.

Yes. I guess we are...

going over to the barn where we squat.

I'm grabbing just a goose leg...

You heard Mrs. Byrd. You get now!

The only thing you're gonna taste is the back of my hand!

- Oh, wow. Yes, s... - You get now!

- Okay. - You get!

I'm so sorry.

Mom, Dad, I just did a double skid jump!

- It was... - Oh, God! No!

It's not... Oh, no!

Jacob, you're dreaming!

You're dreaming.

This is crazy. We get no dinner, no house.

It is shockingly cold in here.

You know, we just wanted one night away from everybody.

- I know. - And now they're inside

- eating our goose. - I know.

- It's your goose. - And we're in a barn...

without a toilet.

- Just like Santa, right? - How's that?

You know, it's like Santa went up to the North Pole

and he turned into a reindeer and then he came on down.

That's exactly it.

- Was it? - Yeah. At least we're alone.

- Yeah. - I mean, no one's gonna

find us out here in this barn.

Ah, sorry!

Oh, my God. Jacob!

Do you guys have anything that I can gouge my eyes out with?

- What's going on? - I saw my parents having sex.

- Oh, yikes. - Wow.

The whole house smelled like an iguana tank,

and we do not have an iguana.

Oh, God.

Do not tell my parents that I'm here.

- Hold on a second. - I'm never going home...

This is ridiculous, because now we're not even alone.

- No, I know! - So I'm gonna tell you right now,

I'm going in to get some goose.

I'll be damned if I don't get at least a goose leg.

Yeah, I'll be damned if you're damned!

Go get your goose, baby!

I hate everything!

- Uh, good luck with that. - Yeah. Thanks.

Hey, Jacob, I'm coming up there, okay?

No!

Hey, buddy.

Hi.

I like your sweater.

- Oh. - You look really pretty.

Thanks, Jacob. Very sweet.

Listen, do you want to talk?

My dad has so much hair on his back...

... and mom was using it like a handle.

- Ooh. - I saw both their tongues!

- Oh, wow. - It looked like

they were hurting each other,

- but they were smiling. - Yeah, this is...

- Is that regular? Is that normal? - Listen.

I can't imagine what that's like.

It's a lot.

It's upsetting to process all this.

Hey, do you want to go to Main Street

and watch me do skids?

- No, thank you. - I'm really awesome at them.

- I'm sure. - Can I kiss you?

No. No, no, no, no.

- I think I'm in love with you. - Okay, you're not...

No, no, no. I want to marry Janine.

You've got a lot of emotions

that are wrestling with each other.

- You got to process... - Rio, can I ask you a question?

You can ask me a question.

But if it has to do with kissing

or anything romantic, the answer is no.

Okay? So, that's not gonna change.

What's your question?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Good question.

That was back when I was a Wall Street bigwig.

I rode around in a limo made of gold,

which was very heavy and slow.

He's stealing!

Aah!

- Go get yourself a job! - Hey!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Rudy does so much for you.

And after you were irresponsible enough

to lose your farm.

You are pathetic.

She's right. You're pathetic.

You'll always be pathetic,

living a life like that.

You know, Belle...

you may judge me for living in a barn,

but I am way more than a list of the things I own.

I'm an incredible person.

And I think if you got to know me,

you would love me the same way that Constance loves me.

What? You're in love with this guy, too?

No, she needs to hear the truth.

- Rudy... - I'm the one that lives in a barn.

Mike and his wife, Rio, live here.

I'm jobless, I have $10 to my name,

and my best friend is a goat.

Yesterday, I had a handful of loose sugar for dinner.

Constance Lucretia Byrd Terry...

I'm ashamed of you.

Now box up that goose,

get your things, and let's go.

Rudy, she's just tired.

She goes to bed at 3:00.

I will calm her down.

Constance, don't make me wheel myself home.

I'm sorry that I lied. I was ashamed.

Those were very nice things you said about yourself.

Yeah. I was talking about my friend Rudy.

I thought so. I just wanted to be sure.

I've got some crying to do,

and you probably don't want to hear that.

Do you want this pillow?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

I'll leave you to it.

- Merry Christmas! - Your parents are here.

I've seen enough of them today!

Son, just... just... Just come down here.

- Jacob, this is ridiculous! - Come here. Come here.

Nothing even happened. You were hallucinating.

- I wish I was hallucinating! - Okay, okay.

Li... Yeah, I think we should, you know, find truth

when speaking to our children.

Are you guys getting back together?

- No. - We're not?

- Well, you tell me. - You tell me!

I can't listen to this anymore!

I'm never coming home,

I'm going to Hollywood,

and I'm gonna work in show business.

The hell you are, boy!

I'm gonna go to... to Wall Street and be on Broadway.

Where are my savings bonds?

- You're not going to show business... - Well...

And you're not cashing those bonds until you're 21!

We're gonna stay in this barn all night long!

Do you hear me? We are never gonna leave!

We're spending Christmas together, like a family!

We're never gonna talk about what happened!

- Hey, now, boy! - Oh, my God.

- You watch yourself! - That is a lot of anger.

And I don't know where you get it!

Stop that ladder right there! Put that back!

You leave that ladder right there!

This seems good.

- Kee... Stay in it. - You're not going to Hollywood!

I'll just run up there! Get out of my way!

- Great news. - Okay.

I found a Boston Market 40 minutes from here.

Great, and you know what? They're gonna be fine.

- They're fine. - They're... They're...

- They're gonna manage this... - Jacob!

- It's not... It's not what you think! - Jacob!

Don't you throttle that!

Your mother was checking me for ticks!

- Are you kidding me?! - You seduced me.

- I couldn't help it! - Um...

Came in hot with all those chores.

What do you think I'm gonna do, keep my pants on?

You got another think coming.

Nothing like a long drive to a fast-food restaurant on Christmas, right?

- That's right. That's right. - Whatever drama

that they have going on is their drama exclusively.

Yeah, that's them. That's them.

- It's... It's not ours, so... - No. Everyone here is an adult.

- I'm not taking it on. - We're guilt-free.

- I'm not taking... - We'll go...

- I can hear a dre... - We need a third

- to go find Jacob! - I can hear Rudy

crying inside your house! You gotta do something!

- Okay. - ...Rio.

Hey!

- Let's at least take... - What's the holdup?!

- ... five seconds of alone time. - Hey, guys!

Guys.

Please, we need you!

- No, it's Christmas! - All right!

- It ain't kissy time! - We don't have time for this!

- Let's divide and conquer it. - Okay.

- I'll do Constance... - You go to Connie's. I'm gonna get...

Yeah, okay. Okay.

- Oh, Mike. - Hi.

Constance, uh, can we talk about this?

Just keep it down. Mom's in the back room,

watching "Succession" on her tablet.

Please, how's Rudy?

Tell him I'll talk to him after my mama leaves.

You know how you usually give us tough love?

Well, I'm here to give you some tough love.

Pretend I'm you.

Now, what would you tell you in this situation?

I know I should stand up to my mama.

But after not doing it for so many years,

I don't know why I should start now.

I think Rudy is... Is the "why."

You know, if I'm you, I don't want to lose him.

I thought I was being me.

Yes, exactly. You are being you.

- Constance is Mike. - What?

So what would Constance-you tell Mike-yourself?

I'd say, "Constance, get your head out your ass."

Boom. And it sounds so good when you say it.

- It just happened, okay, Beau? - I know.

I wasn't thinking about it.

I just felt an urge, and I went for it,

and you reciprocated, and there we were.

Well, I just wish you would tell me what you want it to mean.

Well, I don't know what it means

that we threw a nickel into the old arcade.

Guys, this is really good stuff.

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable,

because communication is the pathway to breakthrough.

Your volume is so annoying.

This is why people don't do therapy,

'cause you're just...

- I can't hear you! - If you regret it,

just tell me, and I can handle it.

I don't regret it, Beau. Oh, my God.

There's one thing I'm sure of. I...

I loved it.

You did?

Yeah.

So did I.

- Rio, what does that mean? - Tell us what it means, huh?

What... What's it mean?

So, as a therapist,

it's not my job to kinda tell you how you feel.

That's up to you.

Then why the hell would anyone go to a therapist?

And then why do they call you guys "life's referee"?

They don't.

- Rio, just tell us what it means! - Just tell us, please.

- Stop. - Why are you putting us through this?

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Jacob.

- There he is. - Oh!

See, he's doing the sad-boy donuts over there.

Just pull over.

Guys, you can just be glad that it happened,

be open to your future, and keep communicating, okay?

- Finally. - Took you long enough.

- Guys. - Huh?

This is where you go talk to Jacob.

- Guys. - What?

Go. Talk to him.

It's gonna be hard to make eye contact with him

after he saw what we were doing.

It was something I saw on Facebook.

I reported it,

but then it really stuck with me.

Wait.

What's he doing here?

It's that son of a bitch with the goose.

Mama, there's something you need to hear.

Rudy is a fantastic man who's...

Constance, I'm sorry for the intrusion.

Mrs. Byrd, I do have an asset...

A Lou Gehrig baseball card in mint condition.

It would go for $3- or $4 million.

And I know it's real because I bought it

from a reliable young man in a tie-dye blazer.

Constance, this man cannot take care of you.

The value of baseball cards is plummeting every day.

You've met Rio's mom.

If I can do that, you can do this.

No, Mom.

I don't need a man to take care of me.

You should know because you taught me

how to take care of myself.

The only thing I need from a man is love,

and he's got... he's got plenty of that to give.

Oh.

So back off...

ma'am.

Also, ma'am, and I can't say this enough,

there was no need for you to see my genitals.

That is, and shall remain, my bad.

Constance, I cannot believe you're defying me.

But love is love, apparently.

Otherwise, I don't know why you would choose him.

Well, I guess I do know one reason.

That was quite the Christmas bow.

I see you, girl. I see you.

This is nice, you know. Just the two of us.

Yeah, all alone... just you, me, and... and a goose.

That's what we wanted, right?

- That was our Christmas wish, right? - Yeah.

And Chris... Christmas, you get a wish, right?

Don't you get a wish?

Yeah, you... You get a Christmas wish.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Hmm.

- Do you miss them at all? - Yes!

Four extra deer, and he said Santa... Santa's been drinking again.

Well, he broke the law. Santa broke the law.

I have not heard that one.

How you doing, buddy?

- Oh, I'm fine. - Mm-hmm.

I really like your apron. It's got nice eyes.

- Okay, there, Jacob. - Oh. Okay.

I brought the custard I made.

Time has not been kind to it. It's a bit runny.

It's more of a nog than a pie, but it looks delicious.

- It is like a nog. - I can't wait to ladle out some.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup!

I can't believe we were gonna do this alone.

I know. This is the perfect first Bucksnort Christmas.

I am so thankful to be here with Rudy...

my mom, and all of you.

- Aww. - My family.

Thanks.

You think we're family?

- Well, duh. - Yes. Yes.

To family?

- I like that. Sure. - To family.

- Family. - Hear, hear.

Rudy.

When do we get to eat this goat?

No.

Manners, Theresa.

Eat your Christmas turnip.

What?