All language subtitles for A.Wonderful.Christmas.Time.2014.WEB-DL.x264-RARBG

Fixed & Synced by bozxphd.Enjoy The Flick

- So your parents have gone.
- Yeah.

- Your girlfriend's gone.
- Mm-hm.

You've been,
for want of a better word,

abandoned this Christmas.

Well, that's what I said
to them.

We're not being unreasonable.
We're going on holiday.

This house is gonna be
your house.

You can do whatever you want,
invite friends over...

Take a picture
of me and your mum.

- Holiday!
- Whoo-hoo!

- It's hard, right?
- Yeah.

- It's tough.
- It's tough. It's...

- How do you feel?
- How do you think I feel?

- You tell me.
- I'm telling you.

That's the point
of this session, right?

My girlfriend of three years,
gone, left me,

for a guy
who is completely my opposite.

- This is my new boyfriend.
- I was gonna talk to you.

You must have seen this coming.
This is not working out anymore.

You're a mess, Noel.

She's... she's gone.

- Mm.
- And I don't understand.

I don't understand
why she's gone.

She was nice, I get it.

She was a very attractive,
warm, funny...

Thank you for the reminder.

Well, you know,
let's not forget.

I don't forget
and that's the problem.

All I can do
is just sit in my bedroom

and think about... her
and what we had.

- You'll be fine,
- Ok, enjoy yourself.

- You'll be fine.
- Sweetheart, bye-bye.

Alright, take care.

Bloody hell, Noel.

I didn't want it
to turn out like this.

There's plenty more fish
in the sea.

The world's your oyster.

You're not the guy
that I fell for.

We're not even
into the same music.

Fucking hell.

7, 7, 6.

Hello?

Hi. Hi. Oh, hello.

I was just wondering
if Neil Rodway still lived here.

- No, sorry.
- He doesn't?

- No, he moved out.
- Ok.

- Hello?
- Hi. You called?

- Who's this?
- It's Steve.

Oh. Uh, hey, man.

- It's Noel.
- Yeah, yeah.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Um, yeah, I was just...

Seeing if you wanted
to go for a pint or something.

- Yeah, yeah, sounds good.
- Alright, mate.

Get the old three amigos
back together.

Yeah, definitely. Ok, bye.

- How are you?
- What are you doing here?

It's the session time, isn't it?

I'm off to see my friend.

That may be so. Five minutes.

- Five minutes.
- For god's sake.

Five minutes
is all I ask of you.

- Shoes off.
- And then...

- Shoes off.
- Coming off, coming off.

- Wait. Simon.
- What?

- Simon. Five minutes.
- Ok. Uh... let's begin.

I need you to be as open
as you possibly can

cos we're gonna try
something new today.

- I've got a book here...
- Oh, Simon...

And I've been looking and
there's pretty interesting stuff

about opening up.

So, ok, bend over.

- Ok.
- This feels ridiculous.

I know it feels ridiculous,

but that's the whole reason.

- Huh.
- Huh.

Yeah? Huh.

- Huh.
- Huh.

- Huh!
- Huh!

Huh!

Huh!

- That was good.
- Thank you.

That was very good, very good.

- Phew. I feel good.
- Good.

Whoa, whoa.

- Don't do that.
- Oh.

I thought that's what
we were doing.

No, we're not doing that.

Sorry, this is...

I checked to see
if there was no one here.

There was no one here.

This isn't a joke. I'm not...
This isn't for fun.

- I'm doing...
- I was actually just concerned.

Cos you're stood on the edge
of a cliff screaming, so..

- Ok.
- Wanna go again?

No, I don't wanna go again.

Look, this is
a private thing I do.

It's part of my therapy.

I kind of just need my space
to do this, thank you.

You know, last year
my ex took me to Oslo,

but the most amazing part of it
was we went to this gallery

and I saw Edvard Munch's
the scream and I was just...

- Great. Sorry, I don't...
- I was just blown away by it.

- Good. I don't... I need to...
- Have you seen it?

- It's worth �119 million.
- �119 million? Brilliant.

Can you please just leave?
Cos I need to do this.

Good. It's not funny.
It's therapy.

- It's a bit funny.
- It's not funny.

Just so you know, I think
everything's gonna be ok.

Not on that bench.
Sit down there.

This is where I'm meeting
my friend.

Well, there's benches
all down the place.

You don't own this area
of the beach.

There's a million benches
on this strip.

Can you not just meet her
down there or there?

- Or just not there?
- She's never been here before.

She's from London.

Just get on with your therapies
and I'll rate ya.

- I'll rate ya.
- Jesus Christ.

- Out of ten.
- Brrrrr.

- I can feel you there.
- Oh, my god.

That one was gonna be
a really good one.

- That one was gonna be the one.
- Lovely meeting you.

- You've been a real treat.
- Oh, no, don't go.

Don't leave.

I'm sorry.

I thought you said
it's a ten-minute walk.

I've just gone mad.
I've just gone absolutely mad.

I've just walked
for fucking half an hour

to get a shitty bottle of wine

and you're talking to...
Who is he?

I don't know, but I've just said

the most amount
of weird stuff to him.

- It's almost like...
- What?

It's like I haven't spoken in...
In years and I meet someone...

- Yeah.
- And I just ended up

talking to him
about random stuff

and then he just asked me
to leave.

- That's really rude.
- He asked me to leave.

It's fine. It's fine. He's
one guy... in wales. It's fine.

Banzai!

- Noel, mate!
- Alright, mate?

- Over here.
- Hey.

- Where have you been?
- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

You're effin' late,

so I polished yours off.

- Your round next.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I was up on the cliff.
I've got a thing I have to do...

What were you doing
on the cliff?

It's a form of therapy.
Primal screaming.

It's complicated. It's just
a process I have to do.

- It helps me...
- And you're screaming?

- You're just going, "oh!"?
- No, no, no. It's a very...

- How...
- It's a non-traditional, non...

- Non-traditional.
- Yeah.

It's a form of therapy
where you scream

and it releases
some of your chemicals

from the frontal cortex...

Yeah, and that took you
45 minutes.

That's the point,
it doesn't take that long,

but I was interrupted
by a very obnoxious girl.

Oh. Yeah?

No.

I know what you mean
by obnoxious, mate,

and I'm holding 'em.

Oh. Very good.

Was she? Was she fit?

She was...
Can I get you a beer?

Wow. I can't believe
I'm actually traveling.

Babe, you're in wales.
It's hardly traveling.

- Wales is not in england.
- That's true.

- You have to pay to get in.
- Therefore I'm trav...

Really?

Ah. Cheers, then, mate.

Mm-hm.

- Sorry.
- That was too much.

I really get into a cheers.

When I do a cheers,
I do a cheers.

Here we go. One...

That stings.

Shut up.

Where's the sand?
It's all rocks.

Yeah.
Did you proper grow up here?

Proper grew up here.
It's amazing.

- It's fucking cold.
- It's fucking cold.

It's fucking freezing.

How many girlfriends
did you say you had again?

- Too many. Too many.
- How many's too many?

I've got so many notches
on my bedpost,

my bed's become unstable.

- That's a precarious bed, man.
- Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Oh, fucking hell.

Steve?

Steve, mate?

Oh, f...

- There's loads of that.
- Clear that up.

I don't feel very well.
I don't feel very well.

I feel...

Oh, my... oh, my god.

Steve?

Steve! It's the girls...

I was telling you about
last night.

The girls are outside.
They're walking down the road.

Oh, my go...
We've gotta talk to 'em.

- Stop fucking pushing me.
- Hey, girls!

- Shut the fuck up.
- Girls!

- Shh.
- Hey, girls!

I'm gonna punch you in the dick.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hello.

- Hey.
- Dick.

- Primal scream guy.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Girl on the cliff girl.

- This is weird.
- Yeah.

- Do you live here?
- Yeah, that's my house.

I'm literally round the corner.

- No way.
- Yeah. It's really weird.

Mandi.
Nice to officially meet you.

- Oh. Noel.
- Saw you yesterday.

- Noel. Noel.
- Cherie.

- Hi.
- Noel.

Hi, Noel.

Hi. You alright?

- Where's Noel?
- Who are you?

He's nipped out for a second.

- It's Steve.
- Hi, Steve.

- Steve?
- I've got a mustache now.

You've grown, haven't you?

- Oh, Steve!
- Hang on a second.

- We took him to football.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- God, it's been years.

- What's going on?
- Yeah, what's happening?

- Nothing. Nothing.
- Where's Noel?

- I'm just getting...
- What's that?

What's that?
No, no. How are you both?

I haven't seen you
in a long time.

Yeah, that was weird yesterday,
wasn't it? But...

- Yeah.
- Sorry about that.

- It was all a bit...
- No, I... I'm sorry.

I... that was strange.

- It was strange.
- Yeah.

It was just different,
wasn't it?

And then I think
I just was like...

Cos I was probably worried
about you, but...

- It's fine.
- I don't really know you, so...

- Ah.
- Got amazing eyes.

- Oh.
- They're very, very pretty.

You've got very pretty eyes.

I can see through them.

I'd probably shave the beard.

We had a bit of a party.

Got the old three amigos
back together.

- Ok.
- So you and Noel and who?

Just the three amigos,
just me and Noel.

No third one?

You don't need three
when it's us two.

That's what we always
used to say.

So we're just gonna get
some breakfast.

- Do you fancy breakfast?
- Oh, no, thank you.

- We've got breakfast in here.
- You've got breakfast?

What kind of breakfast
have you got in the house?

Welsh breakfast, by any chance?

- We're just having toast.
- Welsh toast, by any chance?

I don't know.
I don't know what that is.

- What's the difference?
- Do you have coffee?

- Uh, I think we do.
- Shall we get some coffee?

- I mean, is it ok?
- I think we should have coffee.

- Ok.
- We don't... you don't have to.

- No, it's fine.
- Oh, you do. You do have to.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Ok.

Is the house alright?

Yeah, yeah. Look at that.
You've got the tree up.

- Can you see the tree?
- Right, good.

He's been...

Why wasn't he replying
to my texts?

I sent him loads of texts.

He hasn't been himself
recently, Steve.

- Oh.
- He's... he's not...

We've been so worried
about him.

He just needs to get out a bit.

Here he comes. There he is.

- It's Noel!
- Hi.

- This is Steve.
- Hello, girls.

- Shut up.
- Come into the kitchen.

- Come into the kitchen.
- Ok.

- Ok, bye.
- My name is Steve.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Steve.

Who wants some bread?

- Me.
- Toasted.

Coffee. I need coffee
in me right now.

- What was his name again?
- Hi.

Hello!
I'm just getting 'em drinks.

- We're just having some coffee.
- Oh, good.

- You hold the fort while I...
- Yeah, you stink.

Got any clothes?

- Um...
- This is nice.

- What's his name again?
- Steve.

- Steve. Steve, Steve, Steve.
- Oh, here he is.

What? Have you just
turned your clothes inside out?

- I couldn't find any clothes.
- Mate, oh...

- Can you give me a hand a sec?
- Yeah.

- Isn't that worse?
- It look... I think...

Isn't the sick on your skin now?

Steve.

This is absolutely brilliant,
mate, absolutely brilliant.

Shh. Just calm down.
Honestly, that really stinks.

Mate, just calm down.
You're gonna freak 'em out.

Mate, go and change. I've
got some... third drawer down.

I'll be back in a little bit.

I'm just gonna go and slip

into something less reversed.

- Ok.
- Something a bit more...

- The right way round.
- Different clothes.

- Ok.
- Come on.

- So, Noel, you alright?
- Yeah.

Have you ever traveled?

Are you a traveler?
Do you like traveling?

Not much, no.
You don't like traveling?

- I've been...
- I love traveling.

I just love it. It's just
like... what's going on?

He's just doing some yoga.

- We do yoga.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
My bloody bs are in a twist.

What's going on?
What are you doing?

- Hello.
- How you doing down there?

- Just chilling out.
- Hold on.

He's got a bit of a bad injury.

- I just have to help him up.
- I can so help you up.

- That feels fantastic now!
- Oh, good, yes.

Honestly, if you just take a
seat, we'll bring it right over.

- Alright.
- Butter?

- Have you put sugar in?
- So what's happening?

- Which one do you want?
- I'm not doing that.

- I don't mind, mate.
- I know you wouldn't mind.

I know you wouldn't mind.

Let's just say
this gentleman prefers blondes.

Oh, the toast has popped. Toast?

- Yeah, let's have some toast.
- You stay sat down.

- You stay sat down.
- No, no, we'll come up here.

We'll help. Cheers. Cheers.

- Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas indeed.

What brings you back
to Porthcawl?

- Are you a dancer?
- No, no, no, traveler.

Oh, really? What, like a...?

This is the furthest I've ever
been on my travels so far.

- It looks good on me?
- It looks really good on you.

Let me tell you something
about this guy.

When we were bezzie mates
back in school,

best wing backs
in the b team leagues.

- No.
- It's true.

- Left wing?
- Left wing.

- Left wing.
- What?

- Yeah.
- No.

I played football. I loved it.

I watched the karate kid and...

- I love the karate kid.
- Do you love the karate kid?

- It's my favorite film.
- No! It's my favorite film.

I've watched it,
like, over 100 times.

I've seen the trailer to it.

Uh, just see if I can get
a bit more coffee.

Didn't you always wanna meet
your mr Miyagi?

- Yeah.
- I know.

- Very good.
- That's so good.

- That is so brilliant.
- So talented.

- I love Ron Howard.
- I do.

- Yeah.
- Me too.

We could do that.

- Oh!
- That's it, really.

- It kind of stops there.
- Don't let kids listen to that.

They wouldn't. I'm not basing it
on experience or anything.

- They're so cool.
- Two, two, two.

Ooh, ooh. This is exciting.

I know this song.
I know this song.

It doesn't have to be
a film, by the way.

Here we go. Ready?

Film.

- Two words.
- Two's a crowd.

First word.

- The grinch.
- Ill.

- Alien. Weird.
- Crazy.

Weird! Weird, weird.

Weird science! Yes!

We should be on a team.

It's Christmas!

- Do one from the '80s.
- '80s movie.

- '80s movie?
- Movie from the '80s.

Ok, shush. Right.

- She's so bossy.
- Film. I know.

- Film.
- And no talking.

Fi... we've got the... film.

It's so hard for her. It's
so hard for her not to talk.

- Two words, babe.
- Two words.

First word.

- Pretty.
- Girl. Face.

- Pretty?
- Oh!

- Pretty woman.
- Yes! Yes!

- That's it! That's it!
- 1990. Not from the '80s.

Was it 1990?

Welcome to Hollywood.
What's your dream?

No, it isn't.

- Oh! No one likes beans.
- And he hates beans as well.

Oh, my god.

I don't quite...

I think we're going to go
and have some sex.

Ok. I kind of assumed
that was...

And I expect you to do the same.

Ok.

Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god. That was mad.

That we were like rapping
and then we looked at them

and they were like...

- He's really...
- She's on it.

She is confident with that.

- Is she always like that?
- Yeah, that's why I love her.

- Oh, my god.
- She's mad. You just...

Everyone wants a bit of Mandi
in their lives.

Well, he does.

- In here?
- In here.

- Oh, my god!
- What the f? Jesus!

- Get out!
- Who are you?

- Get out of here!
- What you doing? Who are you?

- What are you doing here?!
- I'm sorry...

- What are you doing here?!
- I am Simon!

Who's Simon?

There isn't anyone
called Simon in this house!

- I'm Simon.
- Simon.

- What you doing here, mate?
- I've got nowhere to sleep.

It's Simon. It's fine.
I know him.

I've been sleeping in the car
for two days.

What do you mean,
you've been sleeping in the car?

I just...
I didn't know where else to go.

All I could think of was
coming here, Noel. I'm sorry.

You're like a brother to me, ok?

Don't touch him. Honestly,
you don't where he's been.

No, it's good. It's nice.

I've been sleeping in a car
for two nights.

- A car?
- I had no option, Noel.

It's the first thing
I could think. Thank you.

- How did you get in?
- The key under the mat.

- That's not your key.
- I know it's not.

Honestly, my parents
will go mental if...

I don't wanna abuse
our friendship,

but I had to
sleep somewhere, ok?

- I got kicked out two days ago.
- Why?

I was just shoved
out of the house.

My... my...
My... my snooker table,

my... my... everything, my
flatscreen, it's all on the...

You've been evicted
from your flat?

I'm not very good
at paying the bills.

But you're rich.
You're a therapist.

It's not about the money. It's
the actual not paying the bills.

Simon, why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't think
it was gonna happen

and I just...
I didn't wanna burden you.

You've got enough on your plate.
I know this.

But I've thought about this
long and hard.

I just think
this is a good period of time

in which you and I, you know,
I can stay here for a few days

and we can go through...

We can make leaps and bounds
in your therapy.

- I just need somewhere to stay.
- Where are your clothes?

They're... they're in the car.
I broke in in my pants.

Simon... You can stay here

for as long as you need
to get your shit together,

or until my parents come back.

But you are not staying
for any longer than that.

- Ok.
- Good luck.

Alright, mate. We'll...

- We'll...
- Thanks a lot.

It's fine, and, listen, mate,

I just wanna say I'm really
sorry about your situation.

No, you know, I just appreciate,

you know,
what you're doing, so...

Have a good time.

- Have a good time.
- Ok.

It was a present, so...

You've got
an amazing collection.

Yeah. I just like music.

Oh, this is great.

This, Elliott Smith, this guy
is the reason I got into music.

- No way.
- Do you know him?

You don't know Elliott Smith?
Oh, my god.

He's, like, one of the seminal
artists of the late century.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's just...

- Oh.
- It was a gift from...

- Sorry.
- That's ok.

Yeah, she got it for me.

What happened?

- Um...
- When did you guys break up?

- About a week ago.
- A week ago?

- Yeah.
- That's new.

It is, but I think it was
going on for longer than that.

I think really
we broke up about a year ago.

Really? The same as me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Stayed in the relationship
for too long

and then
the icing on the cake was

he just became a complete idiot.

He got this big, like,
acting job

and... and just loved
all the attention.

And it was just weird,
it was like...

He was kind of normal
and then, yeah, got this job

and just loved the attention
and loved everything about it

and just kind of left me behind.

It's mad
seeing someone change so much

right in front of your eyes,
it's just...

Every day I felt like I was
just behind this glass window

going like, "hey! Mcfly!"

"Anyone home!"

Yeah. Oh! No one was home.

Yeah, he wasn't at home.

Well, how long
are you around for?

Christmas.

Look at your eyes.
You're so tired.

I'm sorry.
I've been keeping you.

No, I'm loving it.
I'm not... I'm not tired.

- You're very tired.
- We can chat in bed.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah, socks off.

- You don't want sweaty feet.
- No.

Socks off. Always socks off.

Are you still awake?

No.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I misread it. I'm sorry.

No, no.

- I'm sorry.
- It's ok.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't have done that.
- No, no. It's ok.

I just... I just don't wanna be
anyone's rebound.

- Me neither.
- Ok.

Ok.

- Oh...
- I've got an idea.

I could organize you
loads of dates...

- Oh...
- And they can go really badly.

Ok.

And then you can
come back to me.

And I wouldn't be a rebound.

Deal.

- Banzai.
- Banzai.

Ok.

So, I'm just gonna throw
a few things at you.

Metaphorically, of course.

And we'll see
what we come up with.

Have you been dreaming of late?

- Yeah.
- You have?

- Yeah.
- Talk me through one.

- A typical dream.
- Um...

I have this one recurring dream
where I'm underground

and I'm a maggot and I'm sucking
on a dead cat's face.

Ok, dead cat, sexual repression,
that makes sense.

I don't dream that often,
which is unusual,

because there's a lot going on
in my life at the moment.

Um, I had
this awful, awful dream

that I was a man,
sort of just an average man...

That's not the awful bit,
obviously.

So I'm on this ship

and there are sort of
a menagerie of animals

staring at me,
most of them cheetahs,

and out of the mist
comes this figure

and it's Terence Trent d'arby.

And he sings at me
and he's got...

I mean,
I used to be a fan of his,

but he has got
a dreadful voice now,

and something comes out,
it sounds like,

well, this is what I'm trying
to work out. You tell me.

I thought
you were the therapist.

Yeah. Alright, let's move on.

There's no point
in beating around the bush.

Do you at any point
during your time alone...

Masturbate?

- What?
- Masturbate.

- No.
- Masturbate. No? No?

- Not at... never?
- I don't... I don't...

Well, look,
if it's not something...

If you don't look
at pornography...

I don't look at pornography.
I find it disgusting.

There's nothing disgusting about
two pelvises smashing together

in a chorus of sexual ecstasy.

Come.

- All set?
- Think so.

- Yeah, amazing.
- Thank you.

- Smoking.
- Ok, then.

- Done.
- Good.

- Have fun.
- Thank you.

- Thanks for sorting me out.
- Alright.

- Bye.
- See you later.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Did you like my choice of date?

Huh?

What did you say your name was?

It's lovely out.

Have I told you
that I'm a natural blonde?

I said it's lovely out.

- You what?
- Here...

What did you say
your name was again?

What?

Have I told you
I'm a natural blonde?

Yeah, you said that three times.

What did you say your name was?

- Noel.
- Oh. Mine's Michelle.

I remember.

Did you like my choice of date?

- Yeah, it's lovely.
- It's good, isn't it?

I really know what men like,
you know, activity and sweating

and really enjoying outdoorsy,
cos I go on lots of dates.

I'm not a slut or anything.

I wasn't gonna say
you were a slut.

I'm quite popular with the men,
quite alluring.

When I'm in a nightclub,
it's absolutely awful

because they just don't
leave me alone.

I think it's because I can do

this twerking thing
that Miley Cyrus does,

when she goes like this
and she bends right down.

I can see that.

Have you ever noticed

how flexible if you just...

- I'd be watching mtv...
- Very like Miley Cyrus.

- I can get my hands right down.
- You're very flexible. Ok, bye!

Have you ever known anyone
quite as flexible as me before?

Do it one wrap...
One wrap round.

- I love it. I love it.
- It's gone in my eyes.

- It's gone in my eyes.
- I love it.

How do you feel
about this shirt?

Brilliant.

Wait till you see this woman.

- She's incredible.
- Oh, good.

She completely changed my life.

Hi, there. Hi.

Welcome, everybody,
to living with a vagina.

Alright, have we got
any vaginas in the audience?

Yep. I wanna hear v, v, v, v!

- And your hands!
- V! V! V! V!

You don't have one,
so you don't do it, ok?

What do you have? You don't have
a v. What do you have instead?

- Penis.
- Penis.

Penis. You.
You, man with a p, up you come.

There we go, ok? Are you
on a date with this gentleman?

- Yes.
- Ok.

So you haven't yet
had intercourse?

No. Yet to.

Do you feel like you want
to put his penis into you?

I have had a slight urge.

- There was a moment.
- It's kind of personal. What?

- Pardon?
- Really?

Am I not allowed
to speak about this?

It's funny that this person

is speaking over you.

I wonder why that is.

- Penis. Penis.
- Yeah.

Because he has a penis. Exactly.

Therefore he feels that it's ok,
it's acceptable,

to talk over you
because you're a woman, ok?

He thinks you're that small.
How about you feel small?

- How about you go down there?
- Yeah.

- Sit.
- Down.

What? I'm not a dog.

Ok. Ow.

Who else would like to be part
of this program?

You with the hat, up you come.

- Yeah, up you come.
- Oh, god.

- Oh, my god.
- Come here.

Ok? You are not special.

- I want you to roll away.
- What?

- Roll away.
- I'm not...

Roll. Roll away.

Seven quid for this?

There we go. Ok.

That's how it feels.
You on the end.

- Lovely.
- Oh, my...

Does that feel better?

Well, looks like
you don't need me.

You're obviously not taking this
very seriously, so...

- Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
- Why are you leaving?

- Because...
- Say it and walk away.

Say it and walk away.
Three, two, one.

Cos I fear you might have
a small penis.

What? How did she make
that assessment?

- What's that?
- Cologne.

- Mm. Cologne.
- Perfume.

- A bit of both?
- A bit of both.

Ok. Right...

On your marks, set...

Oh, my god.

- I don't like it.
- It's horrible.

I don't like that.
It smells like bubblegum.

So, uh, you like, um, weddings?

Have you been to a wedding?
I don't know why I asked that.

That's like a really
leading question for a date.

- Have you done many of these?
- No.

- First one?
- No, it's my first one.

But I just thought, my friend,
it's actually a self-help book,

but a friend said
that you should

stop putting it off till later
and just do things now.

Everything's an experience.

Bad things and good things
have to exist.

Do you understand?
It's about extremes.

So even if some things go badly,
what you end with after that

is something
that feels less bad

because you've experienced
the badness.

- Do you understand?
- You're coming from a...?

Divorce. It's not finalized.
I'm technically married.

I don't know
if that bothers you.

No, it's fine. If you don't
wanna talk about it, it's fine.

- No, I don't, no.
- Ok.

He cheated on me, so I've got
a real thing about monogamy,

if this does go further.

I don't know if actually I want
another relationship in my life.

- It's fine.
- You're a really good listener.

This is really helping,
to talk to someone

who actually understands
what I've been through.

Don't laugh at me.
I'm a heart surgeon.

- Yeah, I operate on people.
- Really?

I know. People say, "you don't
seem like a heart surgeon."

"You're so relaxed and fun."

Obviously I'm not that at work.

I have been under some pressure,
so things have been harder,

but I have been... I mean,
I'm not like this at work.

I don't... I do the operations
and nothing else really.

We are having such a connection.

I'm not supposed to talk about
how the date's going

while I'm on the date, am I,
but I'm having such a nice time.

Yeah, me too. It's really nice.

- No. Yeah.
- Oh!

Shall we... I just feel like
maybe we should go...

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think I need to say to you
straightaway that maybe,

I mean, what do you mean,
a hotel?

- The house.
- We just go to the house.

And do whatever we want there.

I've not done this before.
Do we set rules or no?

Well, I mean, we'll just have
a cup of tea and see...

- Mm, ok, I hear you.
- Yeah?

- Mm, mm.
- I hear that.

- Hm?
- Have a tea.

- You're such a good listener.
- Thank you.

I really feel like I can
just be myself with you.

- Well, that's...
- Ok, shh. Act normal.

Ok. Going back to the house.

Going back to the house.

- Hi.
- Alright?

- What's going on?
- Dinner is served!

Oh, wow.

- You look amazing.
- You... yeah.

- You look really christmassy.
- Very christmassy.

I thought
you lived on your own.

- Hey.
- Hello.

- Oh, hi.
- How are you?

Oh, I'm excellent, thank you.

- Steve.
- Oh, hello, Steve.

- I'm kind of scared.
- You don't need to be scared.

Just... breathe out.

It's gonna be amazing, ok?

Do you want us to stay
and if you kind of think,

"oh, god,
I don't wanna be here", then...

- I think I'm gonna be ok.
- You are?

- I think so.
- Ok. Ok.

You don't think it's too much
for a first date?

No, honestly.
You've got an amazing bum.

Whispering about myself
as usual.

Hello. This is the guy.
Are your ears burning?

Cos I was just saying
about how great you are.

- Shall we let you both...?
- Yeah, you should probably...

- Shall we go?
- See you later.

- Steve.
- Are we gonna get a pint later?

We're not getting a pint.

We might get a pint.
See what happens.

I'll see you in a bit.
Alright, mate.

- Bye.
- See you later.

Your friends are really lovely.

Oh, they're great.

- So you've made a tea.
- I did. It's nearly all...

Shall we... shall we do it?

- Do what? Oh...
- Ok.

I mean, ok, I think
the quicker we get down to it,

the less embarrassing it is.

Ok, number one, first rule,

first rule of this,
don't look at me.

- Ok.
- No, you can look at me now.

Look at me in the eyes,
but don't look at my body.

When I come on to you,
I want your hands up here,

like around this area.

Don't go round the back,
don't go at the front.

- I'm very sensitive.
- Ok.

Ooh.

Ah. Hello.

- Noelly!
- Oh!

- Hey.
- Hey. Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

Simon. Laura. Laura, Simon.

How many times
is this going to happen?

- Christmas has come early.
- Sorry.

You should tell people
that you're on a date.

Did I walk in
in the middle of you doing...?

No, no, we were just...

A couple of seconds later
and it would have been...

- Inside?
- No. We were just chatting?

How many people
do you live with?

- This is...
- I am...

- I am...
- My therapist.

- You're in therapy?
- It's not really therapy.

- We discuss everything, so...
- Where are you based?

- Where did you study?
- I'm here, actually.

- I'm living here at the moment.
- Ok.

Just on a temporary
sort of basis.

It's interesting. I only met
Noel tonight for the first time.

- We've got a real connection.
- I'm sorry.

I sort of feel like
I've really walked in on...

You're not the first. It's been
like clapham junction station.

Everyone coming and going.

Oh, I see, right. Not...

Yeah, ok. Um...

What's wrong with him
with the therapy?

Well, we're talking through
masturbation issues and stuff.

He doesn't do it.
He just doesn't like doing it.

- You're upside down.
- That's better.

- See me now?
- Oh, yeah.

- Hi.
- Are you alright?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I've had a think,

and I think what
might be the problem with you,

not that it's a problem,
is that you might be... gay.

- Are you a gay?
- He's not a gay.

I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not gay.

What are you talking about?
I'm not gay.

There's nothing wrong with it,
but I'm not.

- He just wanks too much.
- I do not wank too...

I don't wank at all.
Why am I telling you this?

- Never?
- I don't, no, so shush.

- You never wank?
- No.

That's what being young
is all about, wanking.

You're in your 20s.
You've got to wank.

Your father,
he wanks twice a day...

- Don't wanna know.
- Always has.

Don't wanna know. Don't need
to know that information.

Don't wanna see that.

- You're a good dancer.
- Just a bit of shiffy, shiffy.

Progressing onto this now,

which I haven't done
for quite a long time.

I just usually would be
so embarrassed to do this.

I'm gonna do a dip and a jump.

- That's good.
- And a dip and a jump.

Like this, like this,
like this.

- Like that, like that.
- This is amazing.

Like watching John Barrowman
or someone really amazing.

Really?
I need a heart specialist.

I can check your blood pressure,

but you seem to be
in very fine working condition.

- Hip to hip.
- That feels like a dream.

And you're the right shape
and height.

- I just fit in here so nicely.
- It fits like a plug.

It's just like
I've been here all of my life.

- Like a flesh plug.
- Mm.

- Yeah, you're so right.
- Mm, yeah.

Why's he got a funnel?

Oh.

It doesn't even work.

Oh, honey.

I didn't want it
to turn out like this.

There's plenty more fish
in the sea.

Well...

- Alright, mate?
- Fuck.

Fuck.

- Someone had a good night.
- I wasn't... that wasn't...

No, course you weren't.

- I never thought that you were.
- Jesus Christ.

- So...
- So...

I mean, that's great
that you did that last night.

It's fine if you needed
to whack it out and slap it.

I didn't whack it out
and slap anything.

I didn't. Jesus.

Would it make you feel better
if I said I did it as well?

- No. Yes. Did you?
- No.

For fuck's sake.

- What?
- So what happened, then?

Simon came back
and they ended up together.

What?! He just cock-blocked you?

He didn't cock-block me.

I just handed the cock to him

and he ran with it,
so it was fine.

Like a Baton.
Like you're on a relay team.

- Yes.
- Go!

My cock into his hand,
he ran with it and it was fine.

- Ok, so...
- Yes?

I guess you're wondering
why I'm here so early.

I was gonna ask.

- Drinking tea.
- Drinking tea.

Well, it's because you are
all done with your dates.

Oh.

So I've organized
something for you... for us.

Ok.

Wha... what?

It's a surprise.
It's a day. It's just a day.

- It's a day of fun.
- Ok.

Ooh.

Oh, look at this.

This is amazing.

Come on.

Whoa. This is terrible.

Let's have a little...
Oh, my god.

- I like it, though.
- It's good.

What was that about earlier?

What was what about earlier?

The text you got.

From... what's-his-name.

- From Gary.
- Yeah.

It was nothing. He just said...
He was just asking how I was.

I just thought you might be
a bit upset about it and...

No, I'm having
a lovely old time.

Dinner is served.

- Wow.
- I've done Italian.

I've done Italian pasta.

It's very good for you.
Lines the stomach.

- As my mum used to say to me.
- I'm very hungry.

- So do pile it on.
- I will. One more?

Yeah, just one more.
Just one more.

I've got a confession.
I didn't make any dessert.

So I thought we could just have
a smaller bit of pasta.

- Great idea.
- As dessert?

And then after that,
I was thinking that perhaps

we could play a drinking game

based on the twelve days
of Christmas.

That's a really good idea.

"Never have I had sex
in wales."

- Oh, cheers.
- Oh, cheers to that.

I haven't got anything to drink.

Can I have
a little bit of your wine?

- Drink if you have or haven't?
- You have.

Oh, so if you have
had sex in wales, you drink.

- Down the hatchet.
- Cheers.

Down the hatchet.

I've had a couple of sips.

"Never have I ever been in love

with somebody
around this table."

- Ok. So nobody is.
- I can't...

No, but it's...

God, I hope it's me.

You'll never know.

Secret Santa.
Why are you drinking?

I was just having a drink.

So I have never been evicted

from my flat.

Lots of people here
have never even had a flat.

Yeah, no, that's why
I've never actually, um...

If you couldn't get evicted,

it means you're doing
the right thing right from...

I need the toilet.
Please excuse me.

Do you think he's alright?

Oh, look at this,
look at this, look at this!

All of the uk,
we'll get that done first.

- Ok.
- Before we go abroad.

And then where do we go
from there?

Cos I want to go to Ireland
as well.

Do you wanna buy a phone?

- Do you like it?
- Do you wanna buy a phone?

Is that what they do in Ireland?
Well, we're all prepared.

Scottish. Sit down now, poppet.

- Oh, it's scary.
- I know.

You're like a dominant wife.

So it's a roll and a...

A roll and a pop.

Oh, no.

- Mine's gone awol.
- A roll and a pop.

- Roll and pop. Roll and pop.
- It's all in the roll and pop.

- It's all in the roll and pop.
- Ah!

- See?
- Ah!

Hours.

Right, competition,
who can peel it quicker. Go.

Does it have to be in one piece?

Ideally.

Oh. My end fell off.

Done.

We should do
a Christmas movie night.

Oh, my god. Marathon night.
I'd love that.

- Just get loads of food and...
- Pick three.

Now? Oh, my god. That's so hard.

Well, no, no. We've already
got karate kid, one.

- Deffos home alone.
- Home alone.

- You pick the last one.
- Weird science.

- Oh, good shout.
- Ker-ching!

Bang.

I'll put some music on.

Come on,
I'll show you something.

Come on.

- What are you gonna show me?
- I'm gonna show you something.

Swear never to tell anyone.
This is very sacred.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Follow me.

This is my room.

Oh, my god.

- You're amazing.
- I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Just kind of...

You're so much better
than you think you are.

Promise me that
you'll do something with these.

You have to put them out there.
This is you. I can see this.

You light up. Yeah?

You've done it now. That's it.
We're gonna do this.

Take some deep breaths. Go...

Through the nose...

Out through the mouth.

- Ho-da.
- Ha-zah!

- Hoy.
- Hoy.

Banzai!

- No!
- I won it!

Banzai.

Banzai.

Well done.
Well done, DanielSan.

No.

Hi. Hi. Alright?

I'm sorry. Noel.

- Gwen.
- Gwen. I know who you are.

- You're amazing.
- Oh, thank you.

I just wanted to...
I've got some beer.

- Yeah, I'd love a beer.
- Sorry. I had a little bit.

- That's alright. Cheers.
- Cheers.

- How you doing? Alright?
- Yeah, good.

- Good. You having a good night?
- Yeah.

Wicked. Who are you...
Who are you here with?

Um, I'm with my mate, Noel.

I quite like electronica stuff.

Some of the new
James Blake stuff's amazing.

But I really like... I'm quite
into old Neil young records.

Yeah, I love Neil young.

Elliott Smith
and those sort of...

- Boyfriend, then, is it?
- Um, no. He's not, no, no, no.

- He's not my boyfriend.
- Oh, that's good. That's good.

Sorry. Yeah,
how did it start for you?

Cos I find the hardest bit is

I can't ever
finish a song properly.

And then once I do think
I've finished,

I just can't stop...
Messing with it.

Yeah. You've just gotta
learn, really, when to stop.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm gonna...

I'll be... one sec.
One second. Sorry.

- Ok?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- This... Noel, this is...

- Sorry.
- Ryan. Ryan.

- Nice to meet you. Alright?
- Yeah, cool, mate.

Good. Listen, I'm gonna
go and have a... bit of a toot.

Do you... are you a bit partial?

- No, no.
- No, I'm not into it, mate.

- Are you sure?
- Go.

Come and put one
up in the air, yeah?

I'll meet you outside in a sec.

Go and have
a little one in the air.

- I'm probably gonna kiss her.
- What?

I'm just chatting about music
with Gwen and it's...

- Honestly.
- Fine, fine.

- Are you coming?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Honest...
- Sorry to interrupt.

- Are you serious?
- Serious about what?

Me going outside with that guy?

No. Go and have a big high one
or whatever he was saying.

- Honestly.
- What has happened to you?

Look, if you wanna
do that with him,

I'll do that with Gwen,
so it's fine.

- We're not a thing.
- No, we're not a thing.

- No, we're not a thing.
- Great.

You made that very clear.

You made it clear.

Yeah, you made it clear.

Have a good one. Peace.

Get a therapist.

Anyway, the coolest thing is
when you think...

Oh. Sorry.

- Oh, alright, babes?
- Alright?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were just
gonna go back to the Van and...

Are you...
Did you want in on this?

- No, I'm alright.
- Sure?

- I like your hair.
- Have a good night.

Any feedback from your highness
would be absolutely appreciated.

- It'd be my pleasure, mate.
- Oh, my god. Thank you.

- Can I get you another drink?
- Yes, I'd love one.

I'll get you a fresh one
this time.

Thank you.
Do you wanna take this one?

Back to the Van, yeah?

Cherie!

Cherie!

Cherie! Cherie!

Cherie, please. Cherie.

Cherie!

- Happy Christmas!
- It's my satsumas!

- Hey! Hey! Happy Christmas.
- Up you get. Up you get.

How you feeling? You were
in a funny state, weren't you?

- Hello. Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas.

We have got an entire day
planned for you.

Everything's happening.
The Robin has landed.

And he's given us
a list of instructions.

Yes, and he bought me
a pass to stay up all night

and write the quiz.

We'll be making the dinner
whilst you're swimming.

Um, then the quiz.
Have I missed anything?

- Happy Christmas.
- Morning.

Happy Christmas.

Why have you got
your trousers down? No.

- Mate. Jesus.
- I've got to go.

What are we doing today, then?

Are we texting the girls back?

No.

Come on, mate.
It's Christmas morning.

I'm not...

What? Come on.

Can you just open the window
a little bit?

We'll air it out.

We've gotta get in touch
with them, mate, asap, mate.

- Get down to the swim.
- I'm not going.

- I'm not...
- Mate, mate, come on.

- Mate...
- I'm not...

Mate, look at me.

Free mugs.
You'll get a free mug.

If I go,
you can pull your pants up.

- You get a free mug.
- It's too early for this.

Have you spoken to cherry...

- Cherie.
- What?

- Cherie. Her name's Cherie.
- I don't know if it is, mate.

It's Spelt Cherry.

It's Cherie.

We'll agree to disagree.

Shouldn't we be in fancy dress?

Shall we just go to the pub?

Pub? Well, I didn't wanna
say anything, but I can't swim.

Because there's one
and it's like... like a panda,

but it looks like it's having...

- You are here.
- Oi, what are you doing?

Why weren't you
at the Christmas swim?

- Can't swim, no costume.
- No cozzie?

- No cozzie.
- Rookie's mistake.

- I know. It was chilly...
- I wanted to go.

Are we still doing
the Carol singing?

- Yeah.
- We'll get one more half in.

No. We've got to get back
and have dinner.

Whoa. We've been spoken to.

Yeah.

Nice.

- Lovely.
- Ok. Well, after you.

It's nice, isn't it?

Come on, Ch�rie.

Scooch in a little bit.

You can go this way.
You can stay there.

Actually, you two can switch.

Ready?

We don't even know
what we're singing.

- We wish you a merry Christmas.
- You need to tell us.

We wish you a merry Christmas.

If you were listening,
I said it.

Ready? Three...

What was that?
You count down. Three...

But you don't count down.
Where's the two and one?

You don't say the two
and the one because it's quiet

because otherwise
the one and the two overlap.

Alright.

I'm really sorry.
It's not "king". It's "kin".

- It should be "king".
- K-i-n. It's kin, family.

Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin.

- I thought Jesus was the king.
- He was king of the Jews.

And king of kings. But we're
talking about your family, kin.

Um...

They've been through something
and we ought to leave them be.

I completely understand they
need to speak to each other.

But maybe if we just edge them
somewhere else,

I can get on with the dinner.

I promise you,
just five minutes.

If we interrupt,
it's gonna break the flow

and I just think
he needs the time.

It's my job,
like yours was the quiz.

- I know.
- I want to make the dinner.

You will make the dinner.
A beautiful dinner.

Why can't they talk
somewhere else?

Check out that one.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?
- What am I...

The door was open
and I let myself in. Is that ok?

Gary. Gary. Gary.

It's Gary. It's Gary.

No, it's not ok.

How did you know I was here?

Well, it's Christmas.

Magic things happen.

I called your mum.

I've been worried sick
and I've been...

What do you mean, worried sick?

I just haven't heard from you.

Yeah, cos I told you
that I needed some space.

I got you Christmas flowers.
Um...

Alright, I've been a dick,
haven't I?

Yes, you have been
a real massive dick.

- Yeah.
- You checked out completely.

I feel like I've been on my own
for the last year.

Yeah, yeah. I realize that.
I'll try and be... better.

Let's just try
Christmas day together.

I'm in a hotel.
It looks out over the sea.

It's lovely. I'm booked there
till new year's.

We can go back to London
new year's Eve.

- I'm so sorry.
- Hi.

Hi. I'm Simon.
I'm Noel's therapist.

- Simon, hi.
- It's lovely to meet you.

- We were... uh...
- Sorry, I'm Gary.

- Gary. Gary Greene.
- You really look very familiar.

Gary Greene...

Do you ever watch a show
called the boroughs?

The boroughs... The boroughs...

- Steve.
- St... Yes, of course.

- Oi, you two, shut it.
- Yes, yes. Yes!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Steve.
- Steve.

Steve, of course.
That's amazing.

People don't often
realize it's...

I put it on.
I'm not really a cockney.

I would be remiss if I didn't
ask you to stay for dinner.

We've made so much food
and it's Christmas day.

Simon.
I've got no plans. I just...

I just wanted to see Cherie.
I mean, I can... I can stay.

There's loads of room.
Potatoes galore.

- Oh, fantastic.
- And some Turkey.

- Great. Let's go.
- No, absolutely, yeah.

- Come on, come on, let's go.
- Join in.

- Hello, gang.
- Hey.

- Hey, hey. I'm Gary. I'm Gary.
- This is Gary.

He's in the boroughs.
He plays...

Oh! I got it, I got it.

That is something to behold.

Perfectly cooked.
Well done, Laura.

It's a big 'un this year.

Absolutely amazing.

- Cheers.
- Let me clink glasses with you.

- Cheers, Gary. Cheers.
- Oh, cheers.

You're nothing
like your character at all.

Well, you know, you know,
that's acting, that's acting.

You're really good
at that, though.

Will you do the voice?
Please do the voice.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah? Yeah, merry Christmas.

Who wants some sprouts?

See, I can just kind of
turn it on, you know.

Turkey time.
Yes. Come on, come on.

- Right, then.
- Is that a Turkey?

Let me... it's a very, very
little baby Turkey.

What am I doing?
You should be doing this.

- No, no.
- Gary, come on, please.

- It's your honor.
- It's fine, I'll do it.

- Well, no, I mean, I can do it.
- I'll do it. It's fine.

- Oh, no.
- No, no. Really? Really?

- No, you're...
- Split it in seven.

- Even bits.
- Oh...

- There you go, mate.
- Noel.

What? What bit do you want? Leg?

- I do like legs, yes.
- What do you want?

No. It's still got the string on
that you bind it together.

You've done a good job there.
There's no waste now.

No, I'm alright.
I don't need any more than that.

Right, ok...

That's worked out
surprising well.

- Thank you, Noel. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Aren't you hungry?
We only met three days ago.

No. I thought
you'd been together for ages.

What about you two?
How did you two meet?

How did we meet?
It was drama school, wasn't it?

- Yeah, we trained together.
- Yeah. We trained together.

For three years and
then we both got a job together.

It was just a fringe play.
You know what fringe theatre is?

You don't get paid.
It was above a pub.

And it was real... and we just
had a laugh every night.

Right, pens for you.

- Pens for you and pens for you.
- Thank you.

Right, then,
Simon's Christmas bonanza!

- You can do the writing.
- Alright, ok.

Thank you for doing this.
We are incredibly grateful.

I was up till
three in the morning doing this.

So I hope you enjoy. Alright,
then, here's question one.

Happy Christmas.

In what country,
the world's seventh largest

by geographical area,
is Christmas known as bada din?

- Yep, ok.
- Easy, mate.

Do we write these down
or say them out loud?

- It's not Norway.
- Move on.

Yeah, put that.
It's gotta be that.

- It's not Norway.
- Question number two.

Which famous Christmas movie
is this a quote from?

"Bless this
highly nutritious microwaveable

macaroni and cheese dinner and
the people who sold it on sale."

- Easy.
- "Amen."

- Easy.
- You know what that is?

We're effing this, mate.
We are effing it.

- What's going on?
- What's going on? Oh...

It's not my fault
that he's here.

Seriously? Honestly?

Cherie, I saw you get
into the Van with another guy.

- I saw...
- What Van?

Please, Cherie!
Please can I just talk to you?

Cherie...

I never went off
with the guy in the Van.

- I saw you get in the Van.
- No, I didn't.

- You're lying to me.
- Elaborate on the Van.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm talking
about you, not to you!

- Can you just give us a...
- Take a break.

Are you alright?

He's a bit tense.

Oh, I've eaten
a lot of after eights.

- Oh.
- Got an after eight baby.

Yeah. Oh, god, yeah.

Nice to see ya.

Thanks for letting me
have Christmas day

with you and your...
Mental friends.

- They're nice. They're nice.
- Yeah, they're lovely.

- Mad lovely.
- They are nice.

So...
I have got a room in a hotel.

It's nice. It's not too big,
but it's... it's ok.

You're used to big,
swanky hotel rooms now.

Yeah, well, you know...
It's not as sweet.

Come on.

I think it's time to go,
don't you?

Just let it out.

Say what you've gotta say.

Well, I guess I have spent

the last three years of my life
being terrified.

- Three years.
- Just paralyzed by fear.

Fear.

I feel pressured by my parents

to always live up
to some kind of expectation.

Parents. Let me stop you there.

Three years, fear, parents.

- That's what I said.
- That's what it is.

But then I have met Cherie.

She's a good person.

She changed everything.

She's just a better person.
She makes me a better person.

- Yeah.
- And...

- I think I'm in love with her.
- At last.

To think that she might even
feel the same back, I just...

Oh, god.

The only way you're ever
gonna find out

is by doing something about it.

And last night was not
how you go about these things.

I've ruined it.

All you need to do

is get to the hotel
and tell her how you feel.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. What
do you mean, hotel? What hotel?

She's gone to that hotel
with that oaf Gary.

And she's there
for the next week.

And if you don't do something
now, you're never going to.

Now's your chance. You need to
find the hero inside yourself.

You need to climb
inside that hero

and then you need
to let that hero free.

Go, Noel, go.

- There's no time to waste.
- Thank you.

How...

How could you do this to me?

- How could you do this to me?
- Want me to help you run them?

No, it's fine. I think
I'm kind of better on my own.

What? No, no, no.

Three noes,
honestly, three noes.

They've put "no, no, no".

Who says that? No, no, no.

I'm not gonna make that work.

What do you take me for? A mug?

What do you take me for? A mug?
What do you...

What d'you take me for? A mug?

These scripts are just getting
worse and worse.

You say to them, you say,
"Steve wouldn't say that."

But they don't listen to you,
you know.

You end up,
they get these writers in

who are just, you know,
they're in for a week,

they don't know the back story
of the character

and I have to say lines like,
"what d'you take me for? A mug?"

Do you honestly
expect me to believe

you didn't know
anything about the fire?

- Oh, Christ.
- I've started writing music.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And I like it.
I think I'm quite good at it.

What d'you expect me to do?
What d'you expect me to do?

What were you saying?
Writing what?

- I'm writing music.
- Music?

- Yeah.
- What kind of music?

Kind of indie, folky...

- Indie folky?
- Yeah.

- Is that your kind of thing?
- Yeah, it's my kind of thing.

Oh, the signal here.

I've got a message through from
John, but I can't reply to it.

For fuck's sake.

Do you wanna play a game?

A game?

What kind of game?

You have that one
and I have this one,

and we count down,
three, two, one,

and then we peel them and see
who does it the quickest

and then
who does it the quickest wins.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Shit. I've got peel on my...
On my shirt.

Fucking hell.
I bet they don't...

I bet it costs a fortune to get
stuff laundered here as well.

Hi. Um, sorry. Uh...
I'm looking for Cherie.

- Cherie?
- She's with Gary Greene.

Gary Greene?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Room one.

I've got a tape that it's really
important that she gets it.

That is old school.
Yeah, it's no problem.

- Gary Greene.
- Sorry, not for Gary.

That's for Cherie,
the blonde girl.

Yeah, no worries, no problem.
All sorted.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Thanks. It is really important.

Yeah, alright.

He's spelled cherry wrong.

Well, tell them no.

I don't wanna do a personal
appearance in a nightclub.

Well, cos it's tacky as fuck.
How much are they paying?

Mr Greene, morning.
How are we, sir?

Um, I'm fine, thanks.
Sorry, what's your name?

- Ben.
- Ben, Ben, Ben.

- Steve.
- Yeah, thanks. Well, it's Gary.

Is there any mail for room one?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm expecting a script.

Oh, right. Oh, a guy came here,
red jacket, coat...

- Yeah.
- A tape.

- A tape.
- It's like '80s or something.

"Song for Cherie."
Yeah, I'll have that.

Thanks for the tape.
I'll see you later.

Cool, man.

Can I get a gin and tonic,
please? What do you want?

Can I just get a coffee?
Thank you so much.

Don't just say coffee.
What kind of coffee do you want?

Just wondering whether I should
up my Twitter profile a bit.

But I've got, like,
over 100,000 followers now.

Your battery must wear down
so quickly.

You're constantly on that phone.

- It's a pain in the arse.
- Yeah, it's a pain in the arse.

- Have you got everything?
- Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

Noel! Noel!

Did you not get the tape?

- What tape?
- He wrote you a song.

A song for Christmas.
Did you not get it?

- It's a beautiful song.
- Where did he take it?

- He said he gave it to Gazza.
- What, this?

There was some tape left
at the hotel.

- Yeah, that's...
- He made this for you?

He's made you a tape?
How old is he? 12?

Just give it to me. It's mine.

Who makes fucking tapes?

Why is he making you tapes?

- Here's a tape! Here's a tape!
- No!

Have the tape!

Oh!

That song from teen wolf
where he grew the thing.

Ok, now, it's five seconds
to the new year.

Four! Three!

Two! One!

Banzai!

- Happy new year!
- Hey!

- Happy new year!
- Darling.

You look good.

Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

And how was last night?
Good party?

- Yeah, really good party.
- Oh.

I need to introduce you
to someone.

- Whoop!
- Well, hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Who are you?
- I'm Cherie.

This is Cherie.
This is my parents.

Hi, Cherie.

- Jack and penny.
- Hi, Jack and penny.

She's very pretty. How? How?

- Wit and charm.
- Cos he's the best around.

- Yeah.
- Wit and charm?

- Ok, so...
- So you've... you've...

- Are you sort of together?
- Together?

- Are you?
- Yeah.

- Have you got it together yet?
- High five!

- There you are.
- No, fair play, Noel.

She's... you're batting way
above your average there, mate.

- Fair play to you.
- She's not out of his league.

No, of course not. She's really
pretty, though, isn't she?

- Alright, dad.
- Yes, darling, she is pretty.

- No, they do this.
- I think I...

You've got your father
going now.

Oh, yeah.
Come here, you. Hang on.

- Hang on.
- Ok, ok, sweetheart.

- They seem lovely.
- They are lovely.

Hope it helped -> bozxphd