Original subtitles

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival, welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

زنده از نتفلیکس، یک جشنواره جوک است، به یک ایده واقعاً بد خوش آمدید.

It's The Roast of Kevin Hart.

این کباب کوین هارت است.

And Philly is definitely in the house.

و فیلادلفیا قطعاً در خانه است.

Please welcome the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gillis.

لطفا از گردترین چیز روی لاستیک‌ها، شین گیلیس، استقبال کنید.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[instrumental rendition of "War" playing]

-[تشویق و تشویق حضار] -[اجرای بی‌کلام آهنگ «جنگ» در حال پخش]

[music concludes]

[موسیقی به پایان می‌رسد]

Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart, live in Los Angeles,

به برنامه‌ی «The Roast of Kevin Hart» که به صورت زنده در لس‌آنجلس برگزار می‌شود، خوش آمدید.

-where we're… Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-جایی که ما هستیم... آره. -[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Where we're here to celebrate a guy we used to like

جایی که ما اینجاییم تا از مردی که قبلاً دوستش داشتیم تجلیل کنیم

-in a city that was once important. -[audience laughing]

-در شهری که زمانی مهم بود. -[خنده حضار]

[Shane] Kevin will be out in a minute.

[شین] کوین تا یه دقیقه دیگه میاد بیرون.

I'm sure he's backstage fucking shadowboxing,

مطمئنم که پشت صحنه داره بوکس سایه بازی می‌کنه،

or doing a group prayer or whatever the fuck he does.

یا اینکه یه دعای دسته جمعی بخونه یا هر کار مزخرفی که بکنه.

I'm your extremely white host, Shane Gillis.

من میزبان خیلی سفیدپوست شما، شین گیلیس هستم.

-[chuckles] Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[خنده] آره. -[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

White hosts, yeah. [chuckles] Big applause, all right.

میزبان‌های سفیدپوست، بله. [خنده] تشویق بلند، باشه.

I'd, uh… I'd just like to thank Netflix for choosing me

من، اممم... من فقط می‌خواستم از نتفلیکس به خاطر انتخاب من تشکر کنم.

to host this celebration of Black excellence.

برای میزبانی این جشن تعالی سیاه‌پوستان.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

[chuckles]

[می‌خندد]

Look, I'm not saying there's a lot of Black people here tonight,

ببین، من نمی‌گم امشب کلی سیاه‌پوست اینجا هستن،

but backstage a production assistant asked me

اما یک دستیار تولید در پشت صحنه از من پرسید

what color drank I want in my dressing room.

چه رنگی را برای اتاق رختکن خود می‌خواهم ؟

-[audience laughing] -[Shane] Chose purple.

-[خنده حضار] -[شین] بنفش رو انتخاب کردم.

I'm gonna be setting the tone, but to help us with the rhythm,

من قراره لحن رو تنظیم کنم، اما برای اینکه به ریتم کمک کنیم،

please welcome Philadelphia's own, the legendary,

لطفا از فیلادلفیا، افسانه‌ای، استقبال کنید

Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

گروه «ریشه‌ها» برنده جایزه گرمی.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Welcome, everyone, to The Roast of Kevin Hart.

همگی به برنامه‌ی «The Roast of Kevin Hart» خوش آمدید.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

["Yeah!" intro playing]

[آهنگ مقدمه «آره!» در حال پخش]

[Usher] ♪ Yeah ♪

[آشر] ♪ آره ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -[laughs]

-♪ آره ♪ -[می‌خندد]

Kev, we about to roast your ass.

کو، داریم کونتو کباب می‌کنیم.

♪ Yeah, yeah, L.A. ♪

♪ آره، آره، لس‌آنجلس ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ دنیا ♪

-["Caught Up" playing] -♪ I'm the kind of brother ♪

-[آهنگ "Caught Up" در حال پخش] -♪ من همچین برادری هستم ♪

♪ Who can do it in my way ♪

♪ کی می‌تونه به روش من انجامش بده ♪

♪ Getting my bread for years In my career ♪

♪ سال‌هاست که نانم را درمی‌آورم در حرفه‌ام ♪

♪ And every lover, y'all ♪

♪ و همه عاشقان، شما ♪

♪ In and out my life, I've hit, love And left in tears without a care ♪

♪ توی زندگیم، توی هر شرایطی عاشق شدم > و بدون هیچ اهمیتی با اشک رفتم ♪

-♪ Until I met this girl… ♪ -♪ Met this girl… ♪

-♪ تا اینکه با این دختر آشنا شدم… ♪ -♪ با این دختر آشنا شدم… ♪

How you doing?

حالتون چطوره؟

-♪ Who turned the tables around ♪ -♪ Tables around ♪

-♪ چه کسی میزها را چرخاند ♪ -♪ میزها را ♪

♪ She caught me by surprise and I ♪

♪ او مرا غافلگیر کرد و من ♪

♪ Never thought I'd be the one breaking down ♪

♪ هیچوقت فکرشو نمیکردم من اونی باشم که از پا درمیاد ♪

[Usher] What up, baby?

[آشر] چی شده عزیزم؟

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ آره، آره ♪

-♪ I can't figure it out, I'm so ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪

-♪ نمی‌تونم بفهمم، خیلی ♪ -♪ گرفتار ♪

-♪ Got me feelin' it ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪

-♪ باعث شد حسش کنم ♪ -♪ گرفتار شدم ♪

♪ I don't know what it is But it seems she's got me twisted ♪

♪ نمی‌دونم چیه > اما انگار منو دیوونه کرده ♪

-♪ I'm so ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪

-♪ من خیلی ♪ -♪ گرفتار ♪

-♪ Got me feelin' it ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪

-♪ باعث شد حسش کنم ♪ -♪ گرفتار شدم ♪

♪ I'm losing control, this girl's gotta… ♪

♪ دارم کنترلم رو از دست میدم، این دختر باید... ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ آره ♪

-[Usher chuckles] -♪ Oh ♪

-[آشر می‌خندد] -♪ اوه ♪

Let's welcome… Let's welcome Kevin Hart.

بیایید از کوین هارت استقبال کنیم.

Kevin Hart.

کوین هارت.

[chuckles] Yeah! What I'd tell you?

آره! چی بهت بگم؟ (می‌خندد)

-[song concludes] -[Kevin] Yeah!

-[آهنگ به پایان می‌رسد] -[کوین] آره!

Yes!

بله!

-Yeah! Yeah! -[Usher] I don't understand.

-آره! آره! -[آشر] نمی‌فهمم.

-Why? -["Burn" intro playing]

-چرا؟ -[پخش مقدمه آهنگ Burn]

See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

ببین، چسبیدن به این داره منو میسوزونه.

I know this is somethin' I gotta do,

می‌دونم این یه کاریه که باید انجام بدم،

but I don't know why you chose to do this.

اما نمی‌دانم چرا این کار را انتخاب کردی.

What you about to do?

قراره چیکار کنی؟

You see, your friends stand with you at your best.

می‌بینی، دوستانت در بهترین حالت کنارت هستند.

-What? -[Usher] But tonight,

-چی؟ -[آشر] اما امشب،

I'm gonna need you to have a seat, 'cause we gonna talk about your worst.

لازم است بنشینی، چون قرار است درباره بدترین حالتت صحبت کنیم.

-You gonna go with that? Okay. -[Usher] That's right, Kevin.

-با اون موافقی؟ باشه. - [آشر] درسته، کوین.

-It's time to let it burn. -Go ahead, go ahead.

وقتشه بذاری بسوزه. ادامه بده، ادامه بده.

♪ It's gon' burn for me to say this But it's comin' from my heart ♪

♪ گفتن این حرف دلم رو میسوزونه اما این از قلبم میاد ♪

♪ Said I watched your last stand up And not a single funny part ♪

♪ گفتم که آخرین استندآپ کمدی‌ات را تماشا کردم > و حتی یک قسمت خنده‌دار هم نداشت ♪

♪ I really hoped you'd work it out But the soul had left the plane ♪

♪ واقعاً امیدوار بودم که مشکلت رو حل کنی اما روح هواپیما رو ترک کرده بود ♪

♪ No matter the script Every role you take, it feels the same ♪

♪ فیلمنامه مهم نیست هر نقشی که قبول می‌کنی، حسش یکیه ♪

-What the fuck are you doing? -♪ Tell me why ♪

داری چیکار میکنی؟ -♪ بگو چرا ♪

♪ I should stay in this great friendship? 'Cause we ain't laughin', Kevin ♪

♪ من باید تو این دوستی عالی بمونم؟ چون ما به هم نمیخندیم، کوین ♪

♪ It keeps happenin', Kevin ♪

♪ این اتفاق هی داره میفته، کوین ♪

♪ Plus, Netflix ain't always Gonna take that bail shit bullshit ♪

♪ بعلاوه، نتفلیکس همیشه اینطور نیست > قراره اون وثیقه رو قبول کنه، مزخرفه ♪

♪ I think that you should ♪

♪ فکر می‌کنم باید ♪

♪ Watchin' Kevin Ain't the same for nobody ♪

♪ دارم به کوین نگاه می‌کنم برای هیچ‌کس مثل قبل نیست ♪

-What the fuck are you doing? -♪ When they go to commercial ♪

-داری چیکار میکنی؟ -♪ وقتی میرن تبلیغات ♪

♪ Had to do a roast 'Cause them jokes ain't crackin' ♪

♪ مجبور شدم یه کم کباب درست کنم چون اون جوک‌ها دیگه خنده‌دار نیستن ♪

♪ Like they used to Look at what money does to you ♪

♪ مثل قدیما ببین پول باهات چیکار می‌کنه ♪

-Yeah! -♪ Let it burn, let it burn ♪

-آره! -♪ بذار بسوزه، بذار بسوزه ♪

♪ Deep down you know you cooked And we 'bout to roast you ♪

♪ ته دلت میدونی که خودت پختی و ما قراره کبابت کنیم ♪

♪ Startin' with them baby slacks And baby shoes ♪

♪ با اون شلوار بچه‌گانه شروع می‌کنم و کفش بچه‌گانه ♪

♪ Yeah, you know that you blowing When your movies do too ♪

♪ آره، میدونی که داری میترکونی وقتی فیلمات هم همینطور میشه ♪

-♪ Let it burn ♪ -♪ Let it burn ♪

-♪ بذار بسوزه ♪ -♪ بذار بسوزه ♪

♪ Brake it down ♪

♪ آرومش کن ♪

[Usher vocalizing]

[آشر با صدای بلند آواز می‌خواند]

-[Kevin] You son of a bitch. -♪ Loser ♪

-[کوین] حرومزاده. -♪ بازنده ♪

♪ Can you feel it burning ♪

♪ سوزشش رو حس می‌کنی ♪

[vocalizing]

[صداسازی]

-[Kevin] Okay. All right. Okay. -[chuckles]

-[کوین] باشه. خیلی خب. باشه. -[می‌خندد]

You got some fucking balls on you, Usher.

تو خیلی گستاخ و بی‌عرضه‌ای ، آشر.

[Usher] Hey, this just the beginning, dawg.

[آشر] هی، این تازه اولشه رفیق.

-You got some fucking balls on you, man. -Yeah.

-خیلی گستاخ شدی مرد. -آره.

I said, come out here and set this shit off for me.

گفتم بیا اینجا و این مزخرفات رو برام تعریف کن.

Let's have a good fucking time.

بیا یه کم خوش بگذرونیم لعنتی.

You come out here and do a song I've never heard.

تو اومدی اینجا و یه آهنگی خوندی که من تا حالا نشنیدم.

You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

می‌تونی بری خودتو به گور ببری، خیالم راحت باشه.

Come on, man. That's it.

بیا دیگه، مرد. همین.

Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

بیا یه بار یه کار بزرگ بکنیم. یالا، کو.

What the fuck you going to do with those?

می‌خوای باهاشون چیکار کنی؟ لعنت بهش!

What the fuck you about to do with those?

می‌خوای باهاشون چیکار کنی؟ (با اینا می‌خوای چیکار کنی؟)

I mean, you know, it's…

منظورم این است که، می‌دانید، این…

Usher, if you don't get them cherries, the fuck out my face.

آشر، اگه اون گیلاس‌ها رو نگیری، گور بابام.

Get them fucking cherries out my goddamn face, man.

اون گیلاس‌های لعنتی رو از صورتم بنداز بیرون، مرد.

Get your ass off the stage, man.

از صحنه برو پایین، مرد.

-No, get off the fucking stage. -Hey, hey, listen.

نه، از روی صحنه برو پایین - هی، هی، گوش کن.

Congratulations. Good luck. You gonna need it, buddy.

تبریک میگم. موفق باشی. بهش نیاز پیدا میکنی، رفیق.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher? Fuck you. How about that?

آره، آره، می‌دونی چیه آشر؟ گورتو گم کن. چطوره؟

Fuck you, Usher.

لعنت بهت، آشر.

You can take whatever friendship we had and throw it in the trash.

می‌تونی هرچی دوستی داشتیم برداری و بندازیش تو سطل آشغال.

Y'all make sure y'all go see my guy on tour.

حتماً همگی برید و تورِ رفیقِ منو ببینید.

He's doing a stadium tour. Go get your fucking tickets.

داره یه تور استادیومی برگزار می‌کنه. برید بلیط‌هاتون رو بگیرید.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -That's my brother.

- [تشویق حضار، تشویق] - اون برادرمه.

What's going on, Los Angeles? Make some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

چه خبره لس‌آنجلس؟ امشب یه کم تو این عوضی سر و صدا راه بنداز.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[Kevin] Oh-ho.

-[تشویق حضار، تشویق] -[کوین] اوه-هو.

I want to welcome y'all to the roast of him, of that nigga, me.

می‌خوام بهتون خوشامد بگم به مهمانی اون، اون یارو، یعنی من.

That's right, Kevin Hart.

درست است، کوین هارت.

We are about to have a good goddamn time tonight, guys.

امشب قراره حسابی خوش بگذرونیم ، بچه‌ها.

And you know what I love to do? I love to fucking set the tone.

و می‌دونی من عاشق چی هستم؟ من عاشق اینم که حال و هوا رو عوض کنم.

I love to make sure that the people

من عاشق این هستم که مطمئن شوم مردم

inside the room are possessed with the energy

درون اتاق مملو از انرژی است

that we need so that we can have a good fucking time.

که برای داشتن یه عالمه خوش گذرونی بهش نیاز داریم .

So I'm gonna ask you again,

پس دوباره ازت می‌پرسم،

are y'all ready to have a good fucking time tonight?

آماده‌اید که امشب حسابی خوش بگذرونیم؟

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. Yeah.

-[تشویق حضار، تشویق] -آره. آره.

I'm gonna tell you right now,

همین الان بهت میگم،

this is gonna be way better than the Tom Brady roast.

این خیلی بهتر از کباب تام بردی خواهد بود .

Way better.

خیلی بهتر.

Way better.

خیلی بهتر.

The reason why is because I'm not a bitch.

دلیلش اینه که من عوضی نیستم.

-[audience laughing] -Tom is a bitch.

-[خنده حضار] -تام یه عوضیه.

Tom sat there the whole time with the fucking white man face.

تام تمام مدت با آن قیافه‌ی لعنتیِ مرد سفیدپوست آنجا نشسته بود.

[imitating Tom Brady]

[تقلید از تام بردی]

Went on radio stations after that.

بعد از آن به ایستگاه‌های رادیویی رفت.

[imitating Tom Brady] "Why'd they say that about me? I can't believe…"

[با تقلید از تام بردی] «چرا اینو در مورد من گفتن ؟ باورم نمیشه…»

Shut the fuck up, Tom!

خفه شو، تام!

He was a bitch. Roots, was Tom a bitch?

اون عوضی بود. روتس، تام عوضی بود؟

-[The Roots] Yeah. -[Kevin] Yeah, goddamn right he was.

-[گروه روتس] آره. -[کوین] آره، واقعاً همینطور بود.

He was a fucking bitch. [chuckles]

اون یه عوضی عوضی بود. [نیشخند]

I ain't no bitch! You bring whatever it is that you got,

من عوضی نیستم! هرچی داری بیار،

I could give two fucks. You go and say what you want to say. Say it.

بی‌خیالش. برو هرچی می‌خوای بگو. بگو.

I don't give a shit at the end of the day.

آخرش به هیچی اهمیت نمیدم .

I'm Kevin motherfucking Hart.

من کوین هارتِ لعنتی هستم.

I'm the man up in this bitch. Yeah! Yeah!

من مردِ این عوضی‌ام. آره! آره!

Y'all know what I'm talking about?

اصلاً می‌دونید دارم در مورد چی حرف می‌زنم؟

That's right, Los Angeles.

درست است، لس‌آنجلس.

-Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up? -[audience laughing]

-خدای من، تا حالا شده خفه شی؟ - [خنده حضار]

-Have you even left the forum? -[audience laughing]

-اصلاً از انجمن بیرون رفتی؟ - [خنده حضار]

Or have you just been here screaming into that mic the last two years

یا اینکه دو سال گذشته همینجا بودی و توی میکروفون جیغ می‌زدی؟

waiting for Daddy to come home?

منتظری بابا بیاد خونه؟

Well, unlike your real dad, I actually showed up.

خب، برخلاف پدر واقعی‌ات، من واقعاً آمدم.

Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

اوه، حرومزاده. حرومزاده.

-And I brought you a jersey. -[Kevin] Oh, you son-- Gimme--

و من برات یه پیراهن ورزشی آوردم. - [کوین] اوه، پسر تو... بده...

-Give me that fucking jersey. -That's newborn size.

اون پیراهن لعنتی رو بده به من. این سایز نوزاده.

-Yeah, fucking jersey. -Does that fit you?

آره، جرسی لعنتی. - بهت میاد؟

-Give me the fucking jersey. -All right, sit down.

-اون پیراهن لعنتی رو بده به من. -خیلی خب، بشین.

-Fucking hobbit. -[audience laughing]

-هابیت لعنتی. -[خنده حضار]

All right, this won't take long, 'cause as you guys know, I'm a busy man.

خیلی خب، زیاد طول نمی‌کشه، چون همونطور که می‌دونین، من سرم شلوغه.

But I do have a few words for you

اما چند کلمه‌ای با شما دارم

before I return to my affairs in Las Vegas.

قبل از اینکه به کارهایم در لاس وگاس برگردم .

Oh, wait.

اوه، صبر کن.

I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas. Was that off?

دارم درباره روابط نامشروع تو لاس وگاس حرف می‌زنم. اون دیگه ممنوع بود؟

Not supposed to talk about affairs in Vegas?

قرار نیست در مورد روابط نامشروع در لاس وگاس صحبت کنیم؟

Think I broke another rule.

فکر کنم یه قانون دیگه رو هم زیر پا گذاشتم.

Fuck it, I talked about it.

لعنت بهش، من در موردش حرف زدم.

So what was it that you were screaming at my bros?

پس چی شد که سر برادرهای من داد زدی؟

[imitates Kevin] "Time to get comfortable being uncomfortable."

[کوین را تقلید می‌کند] «وقتشه که با ناراحتی کنار بیای و راحت باشی.»

You at that podium.

شما پشت آن تریبون هستید.

Those were your words, Kevin.

این حرف‌های تو بود، کوین.

Who's squirming in that little high chair now, bitch?

حالا کی داره رو اون صندلی کوچولوی بلند وول می‌خوره، عوضی؟

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Put a pillow underneath, it'd make you look taller.

یه بالش زیر سرت بذار، قدت بلندتر نشون داده میشه

And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done to my roast?

و کوین، چه بلایی سر کباب من آوردی ؟

Seriously, I played in the NFL for 23 seasons,

جدی میگم، من ۲۳ فصل تو NFL بازی کردم ،

but I've never seen anyone drop the ball like this.

اما من تا حالا ندیده بودم کسی اینجوری توپ رو ول کنه.

How did the GOAT roast go from me to you? [chuckles]

چطور شد که کباب بز از من به تو رسید؟ [خنده]

-I won seven Super Bowls. -[audience cheering, applauding]

من هفت تا سوپربول بردم. - [تشویق حضار، تشویق]

-Kevin has been in two Ride Along movies. -[audience laughing]

-کوین در دو فیلم Ride Along بازی کرده است. - [خنده حضار]

-I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards. -[audience cheering, applauding]

من پنج بار جایزه ارزشمندترین بازیکن سوپربول را برده‌ام. - [تشویق حضار، تشویق]

Kevin, you're the third most famous person in Jumanji.

کوین، تو سومین فرد مشهور در جومانجی هستی.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom] That was a good movie though.

-[خنده حضار] -[تام] ولی اون فیلم خوبی بود.

And look at this pathetic dais.

و به این سکون رقت‌انگیز نگاه کن.

I guess it wouldn't be a Kevin Hart project

حدس می‌زنم این پروژه کوین هارت نخواهد بود.

if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

اگر دنباله افتضاحی نبود.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

-[indistinct chatter] -[chuckles]

-[پچ پچ نامفهوم] -[خنده ریز]

You've got Sheryl Underwood.

شریل آندروود را داری.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Big Jay Oakerson.

بیگ جی اوکرسون.

Na'im Lynn.

من لین نیستم.

-Who the fuck are these people? -[audience laughing]

-اینا دیگه کی هستن؟ -[خنده حضار]

And how did they get here? I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

و چطور به اینجا رسیدند؟ من فکر کردم که خطوط هوایی اسپریت را تعطیل کردند.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

[laughing] That's good, that's good.

[می‌خندد] خوبه، خوبه.

And what happened to Nikki Glaser? She looks like shit.

و چه اتفاقی برای نیکی گلیزر افتاد؟ قیافه‌اش افتضاحه.

-Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea. -[audience laughing]

-اوه، چه بد، متاسفم چلسی. -[خنده حضار]

-Draymond Green is here. -[audience applauding]

-دریموند گرین اینجاست. - [تشویق حضار]

[Tom] Yeah.

[تام] آره.

Draymond's here.

دریموند اینجاست.

For now.

فعلاً.

He'll probably get thrown out in the next ten minutes.

احتمالاً تا ده دقیقه دیگه بیرونش میندازن .

You know we're not roasting Steve Kerr, right?

می‌دونی که ما قرار نیست استیو کر رو اذیت کنیم، درسته؟

And it looks like we actually have some real Eagles fans here.

و به نظر می‌رسد که ما واقعاً اینجا طرفداران واقعی ایگلز داریم.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah.

-[تشویق حضار، کف زدن] -آره.

Not like Kevin, who only shows up

نه مثل کوین، که فقط ظاهر می‌شود

at the big games when the Eagles are playing well.

در بازی‌های بزرگ، وقتی که عقاب‌ها خوب بازی می‌کنند.

You know, Kev, we actually have a name for those people.

می‌دونی، کِو، ما در واقع برای اون آدما یه اسم داریم.

-They're called Cowboys fans. -[audience laughing]

بهشون میگن طرفدارای کابویز. [خنده حضار]

And when I run into Eagles fans,

و وقتی با طرفداران ایگلز روبرو می‌شوم،

they always wanna bring up the Philly Special.

اونا همیشه می‌خوان بحث مسابقه ویژه فیلادلفیا رو پیش بکشن.

They love to talk about the Philly Special.

آنها عاشق صحبت کردن در مورد برنامه ویژه فیلادلفیا هستند.

Yeah, I don't.

آره، ندارم.

And I tell them, "Hey, his name is Shane Gillis, have some respect."

و من به آنها می‌گویم، «هی، اسمش شین گیلیس است، کمی احترام نگه دارید.»

You're special.

تو خاصی.

Kevin, you took a lot of shots at my family during my roast.

کوین، موقع کباب کردنم خیلی به خانواده‌ام حمله کردی.

But I'm too classy to go after your beautiful wife.

اما من خیلی باکلاس هستم که دنبال همسر زیبای شما بروم.

Or am I?

یا من هستم؟

-What's up, girl? -[audience laughing]

-چی شده دختر؟ - [خنده حضار]

-Ooh. -Watch your fucking step, Tom!

-اوه. -مراقب قدم‌هات باش، تام!

You better stop! You'd better fucking cut it out.

بهتره بس کنی! بهتره تمومش کنی لعنتی.

I know in the past, people-- you've been accused of being homophobic,

می‌دانم که در گذشته، شما به همجنس‌گراستیزی متهم شده‌اید،

and I really hope that's not true because you're about

و من واقعاً امیدوارم که این درست نباشد زیرا شما در مورد

to get that teeny tiny little ass of yours reamed tonight.

که امشب اون کون کوچولوی نازت رو حسابی بشوری.

And I cannot wait to watch this.

و من بی‌صبرانه منتظر تماشای این هستم.

Payback's a bitch and so are you Kevin Hart.

انتقام یه چیز مزخرفه، کوین هارت، تو هم همینطور.

-Let's fucking go. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-بیخیال، بریم. -[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

["Rock Boys (And the Winner is…) playing]

["گروه راک بویز (و برنده ... است) در حال اجرا است]

♪ And the winner is… HOV, my man ♪

♪ و برنده… هوووف، رفیق ♪

-♪ Speech! ♪ -[announcer 1] Welcome to the stage!

-♪ سخنرانی! ♪ -[گوینده ۱] به صحنه خوش آمدید!

[announcer 2] In this corner…

[گوینده ۲] در این گوشه…

[announcer 1, voice distorting] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Hart.

[گوینده ۱، با صدای گرفته] کوین، کوین، کوین هارت.

[announcer 2] The Main Event.

[گوینده ۲] رویداد اصلی.

Kevin Hart versus…

کوین هارت در مقابل...

♪ The Roc Boys in the building tonight ♪

♪ گروه راک بویز امشب تو ساختمونن ♪

♪ Oh, what a feeling, I'm feeling life ♪

♪ اوه، چه احساسی، دارم زندگی رو حس می‌کنم ♪

♪ You don't even Gotta bring your paper out ♪

♪ تو حتی باید روزنامه‌ات رو بیاری بیرون ♪

♪ We the dope boys of the year Drinks is on the house ♪

♪ ما پسرای معتاد سال نوشیدنی‌ها توی خونه‌ست ♪

♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪

♪ ما تو خونه‌ایم، خونه... خونه... ♪

-♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪ -♪ Hey! ♪

-♪ ما تو خونه‌ایم، هو... هو... ♪ -♪ هی! ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ شیرین ♪

♪ Let that ride out! ♪

♪ بذار بره بیرون! ♪

♪ Bring the horns back in, yeah ♪

♪ شیپورها رو برگردونید داخل، آره ♪

♪ This is Black superhero music ♪

♪ این موسیقی ابرقهرمانی سیاه‌پوستان است ♪

-♪ Right here, baby ♪ -[bell ringing]

-♪ همینجا، عزیزم ♪ -[صدای زنگ]

[Jay-Z laughing]

[جی-زی در حال خندیدن]

-♪ Ow! ♪ -[song concludes]

-♪ آخ! ♪ -[آهنگ به پایان می‌رسد]

-Well, that was fucking annoying. -[audience laughing]

خب، این خیلی آزاردهنده بود. - [خنده حضار]

God, a lot of arrogant people here. Uh…

خدایا، اینجا کلی آدم متکبر هست. اه...

Now, Kevin, if you're thinking this is just gonna be a bunch of jokes

حالا، کوین، اگه فکر می‌کنی اینا فقط یه مشت جوک هستن

about you being short and annoying, that's true.

در مورد اینکه تو کوتاه و آزاردهنده‌ای، درسته.

We will be doing that. But we're also gonna be talking about

ما این کار را انجام خواهیم داد. اما در مورد آن نیز صحبت خواهیم کرد

how you're a shitty comedian, a star fucker,

چقدر کمدین مزخرفی هستی، یه ستاره عوضی،

and an absentee father.

و یک پدر غایب.

We're all here to honor Kevin Hart.

ما همه اینجا هستیم تا از کوین هارت تجلیل کنیم.

And what a better way to do that than to take a paycheck

و چه راهی بهتر از گرفتن حقوق ماهیانه برای انجام این کار.

while pretending to have fun.

در حالی که وانمود می‌کرد دارد خوش می‌گذرد.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

You're a whore, Kevin.

تو یه هرزه ای، کوین.

Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea. [laughs]

حالا که صحبت از فاحشه‌ها شد، هی، چلسی. [می‌خندد]

Yeah.

آره.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

We have Chelsea Handler, middle name Penis.

ما چلسی هندلر را داریم که اسم میانی‌اش پنیس است.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Penis Handler.

کنترل کننده آلت تناسلی.

That's gonna catch on. All right, fuck you guys.

این قراره همه جا پخش بشه. خیلی خب، گورتونو گم کنین بچه‌ها.

That was my best one. [laughs]

اون بهترین عکس من بود. [می‌خندد]

If you guys upgrade your account from standard to premium,

اگر حساب کاربری خود را از استاندارد به پریمیوم ارتقا دهید،

Chelsea turns into a male comedian.

چلسی به یک کمدین مرد تبدیل می‌شود.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

[Shane] Oh, this is gonna be terrible.

[شین] اوه، این قراره وحشتناک باشه.

If that was offensive, I'm fucked. All right.

اگر توهین‌آمیز بود، گورم گم شد. خیلی خب.

[chuckles] My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here.

[می‌خندد] رفیقم بیگ جی اوکرسون اینجاست.

Give it up for Jay.

به خاطر جی تسلیم شو.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files for actual pizza.

جی تنها کسیه که توی پرونده‌های اپستین دنبال پیتزای واقعی می‌گرده.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

I don't know if you can see it, but he paints his fingernails,

نمی‌دانم می‌توانی ببینی یا نه، اما او ناخن‌هایش را لاک می‌زند،

which, you know, that's kinda weird, huh?

که، می‌دونی، یه کم عجیبه، نه؟

He's like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian.

او مثل یک کمدین ۵۰ ساله ایمو-گوت است.

[imitates Big Jay Oakerson] "You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah!" [laughs]

[از بیگ جی اوکرسون تقلید می‌کند] « برای کار جمعی آماده‌اید؟ بله!» [می‌خندد]

Anyway, Big Jay gets a new manicure every week

به هر حال، بیگ جی هر هفته مانیکور جدیدی می‌کند.

because apparently fat girl pussy juice dissolves nail polish.

چون ظاهراً آب کس دختر چاق لاک ناخن را حل می‌کند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

What do you mean, "Jesus?" Oh, this is gonna go so bad.

منظورت چیه، «عیسی؟» اوه، اوضاع خیلی بد میشه.

This… I know what's gonna happen. I know how bad this is.

این... من می‌دانم چه اتفاقی قرار است بیفتد. می‌دانم اوضاع چقدر بد است.

All right, fuck it. My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

خیلی خب، گور بابا. دوستم تونی هینچ‌کلیف اینجاست.

Give it up for Tony.

به خاطر تونی تسلیم شو.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Tony Hinchcliffe looks like he burns things in his living room

به نظر می‌رسد تونی هینچ‌کلیف چیزهایی را در اتاق نشیمنش می‌سوزاند

and waits for the firefighters to come rescue him.

و منتظر می‌ماند تا آتش‌نشان‌ها برای نجاتش بیایند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

When they asked Tony if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart,

وقتی از تونی پرسیدند که آیا می‌خواهد کوین هارت را کباب کند،

he got so excited, he spit all the cum out of his mouth.

آنقدر هیجان‌زده شد که تمام آب منی‌اش را از دهانش بیرون ریخت.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

[chuckles]

[می‌خندد]

[Shane] Hell yeah, Kev, thank you.

[شین] بله، کو، ممنونم.

Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy that goes to Trump rallies

تونی هینچ‌کلیف تنها کسی است که به گردهمایی‌های انتخاباتی ترامپ می‌رود.

just so he can dance to the village people.

فقط برای اینکه بتواند برای مردم روستا برقصد.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Tony, uh, I've been to Tony's apartment in Austin.

تونی، من به آپارتمان تونی در آستین رفته‌ام.

He has… He literally has thrones.

او ... او به معنای واقعی کلمه تاج و تخت دارد.

For real, he sits in… Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

در واقع، او در ... تونی یک تخت پادشاهی مشرف به آستین دارد.

Austin is a 19-year-old twink who lives across the street

آستین یک پسر بچه ۱۹ ساله است که روبروی ما زندگی می‌کند.

and works out without a shirt on. [laughs]

و بدون پیراهن ورزش می‌کند. [می‌خندد]

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Sheryl Underwood is here. Give it up for Sheryl.

شریل آندروود اینجاست. به خاطر شریل تسلیم شوید.

[audience cheering, applauding]

{\an8تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Sheryl's, uh, Sheryl's a lifelong Republican,

شریل، اه، شریل تمام عمرش جمهوری‌خواه بوده،

and, uh, she's actually thinking about getting into politics.

و، اه، او واقعاً دارد به این فکر می‌کند که وارد سیاست شود.

She's running for a seat

او برای یک کرسی رقابت می‌کند.

in the Big Mama's House of Representatives.

در مجلس نمایندگان مامان بزرگ .

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Sheryl's husband killed himself.

شوهر شریل خودکشی کرد.

Apparently, Black does crack if it's married to Sheryl

ظاهراً، اگر بلک با شریل ازدواج کرده باشد، واقعاً می‌شکند.

and jumps off a fucking roof. [laughs]

و از یه پشت بام لعنتی میپره پایین. [میخنده]

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

I do it for the balcony, I do it for the upper decks.

من این کار را برای بالکن انجام می‌دهم، برای طبقات بالا هم انجام می‌دهم.

Fuck all these people down here.

لعنت به همه این آدمایی که اینجا هستن.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Why would you put rich pussies down here? Look at these animals up here, yeah.

چرا باید زن‌های پولدار رو اینجا بذاری؟ به این حیوونای اینجا نگاه کن، آره.

[audience cheering, applauding]

{\an8تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Fucking right.

درسته لعنتی.

Regina Hall is here. I think her-- Yeah.

رجینا هال اینجاست. فکر کنم او... آره.

Wherever the fuck she is. Hey. Hey, Regina, how are you?

هر جا که هست. هی. هی رجینا، حالت چطوره؟

Her husband's doing well, so we're just gonna move on from that.

شوهرش حالش خوبه، پس از این موضوع می‌گذریم.

Na'im Lynn is here, he's one of Kevin's best friends,

نعیم لین اینجاست، او یکی از بهترین دوستان کوین است،

openers and writers, give it up for him.

نویسندگان و داستان‌نویسان، به خاطر او تسلیم شوید.

Na'im's a really good writer, him and Kevin worked together

نعیم نویسنده‌ی خیلی خوبیه، اون و کوین با هم کار کردن.

on The Roast of Tom Brady,

در برنده جایزه تام بردی

where Na'im came up with such classics like, "That Was crazy."

جایی که نعیم آثار کلاسیکی مثل «اون دیوونگی بود» رو خلق کرد .

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] And, "Oh, hell no."

-[خنده حضار] -[قهقهه] و، "وای، نه بابا."

And everyone's favorite, "Damn, she went there?"

و جمله‌ی مورد علاقه‌ی همه، "لعنتی، اون رفت اونجا؟"

Guy's a fucking genius.

این یارو یه نابغه‌ی تمام‌عیاره.

Pete Davidson's here, give it up for Pete.

پیت دیویدسون اینجاست، به خاطر پیت تسلیم شو.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Pete Davidson, aka Wigger Dracula.

پیت دیویدسون با نام مستعار ویگر دراکولا.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

[imitates Pete Davidson] "I want to suck at comedy." [laughs]

[از پیت دیویدسون تقلید می‌کند] «می‌خواهم در کمدی افتضاح باشم.» [می‌خندد]

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

فقط دارم خوش می‌گذرونم، یه کم خوش می‌گذرونم رفیق.

Pete recently got all of his tattoos removed,

پیت اخیراً تمام خالکوبی‌هایش را پاک کرد،

so now you actually have to talk to him to find out he's a complete fucking idiot.

پس حالا واقعاً باید باهاش ​​حرف بزنی تا بفهمی یه احمق به تمام معناس.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[خنده] -[خنده حضار]

[laughs] That's all I got, dude.

{\an8می‌خندد] رفیق، فقط همین را دارم.

Draymond Green is here, give it up for Draymond.

دریموند گرین اینجاست، به خاطر دریموند تسلیم شوید.

[audience jeering, applauding]

[تشویق و تشویق حضار]

Yeah, sick. Yeah, fuck him. Boo! [laughs]

آره، حالم بده. آره، گور باباشو. اوووو! [می‌خندد]

With a name like Draymond Green, he only had a few options in life.

با نامی مثل دریموند گرین، او فقط چند گزینه در زندگی داشت.

Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary, or wealthy cartoon duck.

ورزشکار حرفه‌ای، دلال محبت در یک مستند، یا اردک ثروتمند کارتونی.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

[Shane chuckles]

[شین می‌خندد]

He plays… [laughs]

او بازی می‌کند... [می‌خندد]

He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

او برای تیم گلدن استیت واریرز بازی می‌کند.

[audience jeering, applauding]

{\an8تشویق حضار، تشویق کردن]

Golden State Warriors sounds like a nickname

گلدن استیت واریرز شبیه لقبش است

they had for people who died of AIDS in the 1980s.

آنها برای افرادی که در دهه ۱۹۸۰ بر اثر ایدز فوت کردند، داشتند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

The Golden State Warriors logo is a bridge.

لوگوی تیم گلدن استیت واریرز یک پل است.

Don't show that to Sheryl's husband. [laughs]

اینو به شوهر شریل نشون نده . [می‌خندد]

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Seriously, keep that bridge away from Sheryl's husband.

جدی میگم، اون پل رو از شوهر شریل دور نگه دار.

I called her yesterday, shut up.

دیروز بهش زنگ زدم، خفه شو.

I was really… I felt terrible about that. I had to call her. All right.

من واقعاً... احساس خیلی بدی در مورد آن داشتم. مجبور شدم به او زنگ بزنم. باشه.

She was crazy about it.

او دیوانه شده بود.

She was like, "You gonna make fun of my husband who fell off a bridge?"

او گفت: «می‌خوای شوهر منو که از پل افتاد مسخره کنی؟»

I was like, "Yep." [laughs]

من هم گفتم «آره.» [می‌خندد]

And speaking of Black men who once made an impact years ago, Kevin Hart. [laughs]

و حالا که صحبت از مردان سیاه‌پوستی شد که سال‌ها پیش تأثیرگذار بودند، کوین هارت. [می‌خندد]

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Here's a fun fact about Kevin. Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap.

یه حقیقت جالب در مورد کوین اینه که کوین یه پرش عمودی ۴۴ اینچی داره.

And I know that because he can kiss his wife on the lips.

و من این را می‌دانم چون او می‌تواند همسرش را از لب ببوسد.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Being 5'1 sucks,

قد ۱.۷۵ متر بودن خیلی بده،

but at least you can tell him apart from all the other Blacks.

اما حداقل می‌توانید او را از بقیه‌ی سیاه‌پوستان تشخیص دهید.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Yeah, they told me to be racist. [laughs]

آره، بهم گفتن نژادپرست باشم. [می‌خندد]

What am I gonna make fun of?

من قراره چی رو مسخره کنم؟

"Oh, you got a huge dick and you're a billionaire?" Yeah.

«اوه، تو یه کیر گنده داری و میلیاردری؟» آره.

When you see Kevin stand next to all his normal sized Black friends,

وقتی کوین را در کنار همه دوستان سیاه‌پوست با جثه معمولی‌اش می‌بینید ،

he looks like the period at the end of a sentence.

او شبیه نقطه در پایان جمله است.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Yes, yes, Kevin, thank you.

بله، بله، کوین، متشکرم.

-[Kevin] Yeah! -This is where…

-[کوین] آره! - اینجاست که...

To really understand Kevin's origins, you have to go back to the beginning.

برای اینکه واقعاً ریشه‌های کوین را بفهمید، باید به ابتدا برگردید.

Kevin's ancestors came to America in a slave ship in a bottle.

اجداد کوین با یک کشتی برده‌داری که در بطری قرار داشت به آمریکا آمدند.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

-[Kevin] Yeah. -[Shane] Yeah.

-[کوین] آره. -[شین] آره.

-[Kevin] Yeah. -Yeah.

آره. آره. [کوین] - آره .

The bottle.

بطری.

He grew up in Philadelphia, where his mother worked

او در فیلادلفیا بزرگ شد، جایی که مادرش کار می‌کرد.

at the University of Pennsylvania,

در دانشگاه پنسیلوانیا،

and his father was one of the California Raisins.

و پدرش یکی از اعضای گروه «کِالیفرنیا رایزین» بود.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

I'm just joking around. He wasn't raising anybody.

شوخی کردم. او کسی را بزرگ نمی‌کرد.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[خنده حضار] -[قهقهه]

Unfortunately, that's true.

متأسفانه، این درست است.

Kevin's dad wasn't there for him because he was addicted to cocaine,

پدر کوین کنارش نبود چون به کوکائین معتاد بود،

which is a lot more respectable than not being there for your kids

که خیلی محترمانه‌تر از این است که کنار بچه‌هایت نباشی.

because you're filming fucking Jumanji 3.

چون داری فیلم جومانجی ۳ لعنتی رو فیلمبرداری می‌کنی.

-[audience laughing] -[Shane] That's pathetic.

-[خنده حضار] -[شین] این خیلی رقت‌انگیزه.

A lot… [laughs]

خیلی زیاد... [می‌خندد]

A lot of people say Kevin's movies are formulaic.

خیلی‌ها می‌گویند فیلم‌های کوین کلیشه‌ای هستند.

Yeah, baby formula.

آره، شیر خشک بچه.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

[laughs] That was the best one.

[می‌خندد] این بهترینش بود.

That was… We were like, "Yo, baby formula."

اون... ما گفتیم: «هی، شیر خشک بچه.»

And every time you put one of Kevin's movies on,

و هر بار که یکی از فیلم‌های کوین را پخش می‌کنید،

you say to yourself, "I see where this is staying."

با خودت می‌گویی: «می‌بینم که این [وضعیت] به کجا ختم می‌شود.»

Now, he wasn't always a movie star. He's had a few setbacks.

حالا، او همیشه یک ستاره سینما نبوده. او چند شکست هم داشته است.

Kevin got a DUI.

کوین در حالت مستی رانندگی کرد.

[laughs] Isn't that funny?

[می‌خندد] خنده‌دار نیست؟

Just a little tiny DUI, his feet barely reaching the pedals.

فقط یه کم رانندگی تحت تاثیر الکل بود، پاهاش به زور به پدال‌ها می‌رسید.

It's a cute DUI.

این یه صحنه بامزه در حالت مستی بود.

It was actually, honestly, it was a pretty serious accident.

راستش را بخواهید، واقعاً تصادف خیلی جدی‌ای بود.

He wrapped his micro machine around a dandelion.

او میکروماشین خود را دور یک قاصدک پیچید.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Anyway, things got worse for Kevin only a few years later when he got fired

به هر حال، اوضاع برای کوین تنها چند سال بعد بدتر شد، زمانی که اخراج شد.

from the Oscars for homophobia.

از اسکار به خاطر همجنسگراستیزی.

They found an old tweet of his where he said if his son was gay,

آنها یک توییت قدیمی از او پیدا کردند که در آن گفته بود اگر پسرش همجنسگرا باشد،

he would break a dollhouse over his head.

او یک خانه عروسکی را روی سرش خراب می‌کرد.

I know, that's crazy.

می‌دانم، این دیوانگی است.

He used to be funny. How about that? [laughs]

قبلاً بامزه بود. چطوره؟ [می‌خندد]

That was really funny. That was so long ago.

خیلی خنده‌دار بود. خیلی وقت پیش بود.

After that, after he got fired for being homophobic,

بعد از آن، بعد از اینکه به خاطر همجنس‌گراستیزی اخراج شد،

he went on like an apology tour

او مثل یک تور عذرخواهی ادامه داد

where he had to go around and do interviews and shit.

جایی که مجبور بود بگردد و مصاحبه کند و از این کارها بکند.

And in one of the interviews, he said, "I'm in love with the man I'm becoming."

و در یکی از مصاحبه‌ها گفت: «من عاشق مردی هستم که دارم به آن تبدیل می‌شوم.»

Gay. [laughs] Fucking homo, dude.

همجنس‌گرا. [می‌خندد] چه همجنس‌گرای عوضی‌ای، رفیق.

I'm gonna break a dollhouse over his head after that fucking shit.

بعد از اون کار لعنتی، یه خونه عروسکی رو سرش خراب می‌کنم .

I guess one of the reasons no one can afford a house in America

فکر کنم یکی از دلایلی که هیچ‌کس در آمریکا نمی‌تواند خانه بخرد همین است

these days is 'cause Kevin keeps breaking them

این روزها به خاطر اینه که کوین هی داره اونا رو خراب می‌کنه

over his son's fucking head.

بالای سر لعنتی پسرش.

A few months ago, Kevin performed at the Riyadh Comedy Festival

چند ماه پیش، کوین در جشنواره کمدی ریاض اجرا داشت

sponsored by the Saudi government.

توسط دولت عربستان سعودی حمایت مالی می‌شود.

[audience jeering, laughing]

{\an8 حضار مسخره می‌کنند، می‌خندند]

They actually, they offered me a ton of money to do it, but I said no.

راستش را بخواهید، آنها کلی پول به من پیشنهاد دادند تا این کار را انجام دهم، اما من گفتم نه.

Kevin said yes.

کوین گفت بله.

The reason I said no was to honor

دلیل اینکه نه گفتم این بود که به او احترام بگذارم.

the brave police officers and firefighters

افسران پلیس و آتش نشانان شجاع

who lost their lives that day.

که آن روز جان خود را از دست دادند.

Right, Pete? [laughs]

درسته، پیت؟ [می‌خندد]

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Kevin actually did really well in Saudi Arabia,

کوین واقعاً در عربستان سعودی خیلی خوب عمل کرد،

but only because they thought he was the monkey from Aladdin.

اما فقط به این خاطر که فکر می‌کردند او میمونِ علاءالدین است.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Abu, they were thinking about Abu.

ابو، آنها داشتند به ابو فکر می‌کردند.

Abu.

خاکستر

Abu, which is actually coincidentally

ابو، که در واقع به طور تصادفی

what Kevin hears every time he puts out one of his dog shit specials.

چیزی که کوین هر بار که یکی از آهنگ‌های مخصوص مدفوع سگش را پخش می‌کند، می‌شنود.

A boo.

اوه. (or: ای وای.)

Kevin didn't just do comedy in Saudi Arabia,

کوین در عربستان سعودی فقط کمدی بازی نکرد ،

they actually gave him a sword and a shield

آنها در واقع به او یک شمشیر و یک سپر دادند

and they made him fight a scorpion.

و او را مجبور کردند با یک عقرب بجنگد.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[خنده حضار] -[قهقهه]

And then at night they'd put one of those little falcon helmets on him

و بعد شب‌ها یکی از آن کلاهخودهای کوچک شاهینی را سرش می‌گذاشتند

so he could go to sleep.

تا بتواند بخوابد.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

[Shane] All right.

[شین] باشه.

Well, look, I know this dais is full of degenerate scumbags,

خب، ببین، من می‌دونم که این سکو پر از آشغال‌های فاسده،

and they're gonna be up here saying a lot of racist, terrible things tonight.

و امشب قراره بیان اینجا و کلی حرف‌های نژادپرستانه و وحشتناک بزنن.

But, yeah, you guys like that?

اما، آره، شما از این خوشتون میاد؟

[audience cheering, applauding]

{\an8تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

But not me. I'm not gonna be doing that.

اما من نه. من قرار نیست این کار را بکنم.

I've got a nice PG short joke

من یک جوک کوتاه خوب برای رده سنی PG دارم.

that I'd like you guys to be a part of, okay?

که دوست دارم شماها هم توش شرکت کنید، باشه؟

Kevin is so short.

کوین خیلی قد کوتاهه.

[audience] How much is he?

{\an8مخاطب] قیمتش چنده؟

Kevin's so short that they're gonna have to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

کوین آنقدر قد کوتاه است که مجبور می‌شوند او را از درخت بونسای دار بزنند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

That was three weeks of deliberation on that joke.

سه هفته صرف فکر کردن روی آن شوخی شد.

I was… Look, I understand how serious the word lynch is,

من... ببین، من می‌فهمم که کلمه لینچ چقدر جدی است،

but bonsai is so funny.

اما بونسای خیلی بامزه است.

Anyway, you're the fucking man, and I'm happy to be here,

به هر حال، تو اون عوضی هستی و من خوشحالم که اینجام،

and I genuinely love you,

و من واقعاً دوستت دارم،

and seriously, you're a once-in-a-lifetime talent,

و جدای از شوخی، تو یه استعداد تکرار نشدنی هستی،

and unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

و متأسفانه، آن عمر، عمر ماست.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Let's get this fucking show started.

بیایید این نمایش لعنتی را شروع کنیم.

[audience cheering, applauding]

{\an8تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

And now, our first roaster of the night, the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

و حالا، اولین برشته‌کار امشب ما، استاد برشته‌کاری کل، جف راس.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing]

[موسیقی متن سریال «پلیس بورلی هیلز» در حال پخش است]

[audience cheering]

[تشویق حضار]

Wow!

وای!

What's up, roast fans?

طرفداران کباب، چه خبر؟

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[music concludes]

-[تشویق حضار، کف زدن] -[موسیقی به پایان می‌رسد]

Look at this place.

به این مکان نگاه کنید.

Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

امشب همه اینجا هستند. وای، وای، وای.

John Stamos, Usher, I see you, George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

جان استیموس، آشر، می‌بینمتون، جورج والاس، و پیتر دینکلیج.

Blackface is never okay.

سیاه‌نمایی هیچ‌وقت درست نیست.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Kevin Hart.

کوین هارت.

We've been friends a long time, but the world first fell in love with you

ما مدت زیادی با هم دوست بودیم، اما دنیا اول عاشق تو شد.

when Michael Jackson dangled you over that balcony.

وقتی مایکل جکسون تو را از آن بالکن آویزان کرد.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Tonight, live all over the world, we celebrate the crack baby that could.

امشب، به صورت زنده در سراسر جهان، ما تولد نوزاد ترک‌خورده‌ای را که می‌توانست، جشن می‌گیریم.

The preemie with a dreamie.

دخترِ نارس با دختری رویایی.

The man who put the elf in Philadelphia. [laughs]

مردی که جن را در فیلادلفیا گذاشت. [می‌خندد]

The great Eddie Smurphy.

ادی اسمورفی بزرگ.

You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't as cool when you're dropping them

می‌دونی، کِو، اون میکروفون دراپ‌ها دیگه وقتی داری میندازیشون دیگه اونقدرها هم باحال نیستن.

from two feet, right?

از دو فوت، درسته؟

Yeah, tonight I dress like your idol Eddie Murphy

آره، امشب مثل بت تو ادی مورفی لباس می‌پوشم

because he's not coming.

چون او نمی‌آید.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Your idol doesn't give a fuck about you, Kevin.

اسطوره‌ات به تو هیچ اهمیتی نمی‌ده ، کوین.

No, Eddie, but we did get Donkey from Shrek.

نه، ادی، اما ما خر را از شرک گرفتیم.

Say hello to Sheryl Underwood.

به شریل آندروود سلام برسون.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

[kisses]

[بوسه‌ها]

Sheryl's pronouns are hee-haw.

ضمایر شریل hee-haw هستند.

I love you, Sheryl Underwood.

شریل آندروود، دوستت دارم.

By the way, Underwood is also where they found

ضمناً، آندروود جایی است که آنها پیدا کردند

-Pete Davidson's dad on 9/11. -[audience laughing]

پدر پیت دیویدسون در مورد حادثه یازده سپتامبر. - [خنده حضار]

-[inaudible] -I love you.

-[نامفهوم] -دوستت دارم.

Pete's dad was a firefighter that died heroically

پدر پیت آتش‌نشانی بود که قهرمانانه جان باخت.

and somehow Pete gets all the pussy his dad deserves.

و به نوعی پیت تمام کسایی که پدرش لیاقتش رو داره رو میگیره.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

In honor of his dad, Pete only fucks nines and elevens.

به افتخار پدرش، پیت فقط با بچه‌های نه و یازده ساله سکس می‌کند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

-[Jeff] Hit it! -["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing]

-[جف] بزنش! -[موسیقی متن فیلم «پلیس بورلی هیلز» در حال پخش است]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

-[music concludes] -I love this! Comics roasting comics.

-[موسیقی به پایان می‌رسد] -من عاشق اینم! کمیک‌ها، کمیک‌ها رو کباب می‌کنن.

You don't see a lot of guys who look like Shane Gillis in L.A.,

شما در لس‌آنجلس پسرهای زیادی شبیه شین گیلیس نمی‌بینید،

unless they're handcuffing a Mexican toddler.

مگر اینکه به یک کودک نوپای مکزیکی دستبند بزنند .

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Ay, ay, ICE!

اوه، اوه، یخ!

Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler. I love you so much, Chelsea.

بهترین بازیکن تاریخ جرسی، چلسی هندلر. خیلی دوستت دارم چلسی.

-I do. I do. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-بله. بله. -[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Chelsea told me she's been getting into microdosing,

چلسی به من گفت که مدتی است به میکرودوزینگ روی آورده است،

which is what she calls fucking a white guy.

که به آن سکس با یک مرد سفیدپوست می‌گویند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Congrats, Chels. I read you just bought your new house from RFK Jr.

تبریک می‌گم، چلز. خوندم که تازه خونه جدیدت رو از رابرت اف کندی جونیور خریدی.

[in deep voice] "Hey, do you want to see my bag of raccoon dicks?"

[با صدای بم] «هی، می‌خوای کیسه‌ی کیر راکون‌هامو ببینی؟»

And then RFK was like, "No thanks, Chelsea, I have my own."

و بعد RFK گفت: «نه ممنون چلسی، من مال خودم را دارم.»

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight,

استف کری امشب نتونست بیاد،

but he did carry Draymond Green all the way here.

اما او دریموند گرین را تا اینجا حمل کرد.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Love you, buddy. I'm not going to make fun of you because you're violent.

دوستت دارم رفیق. قرار نیست به خاطر اینکه خشنی مسخره‌ات کنم.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

You've been ejected more times than a Kevin Hart DVD. [chuckles]

تو بیشتر از دی‌وی‌دی کوین هارت از اپ‌استور بیرون انداخته شدی . [می‌خندد]

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

تونی هینچ‌کلیف، خیلی بهت افتخار می‌کنم.

-Tony, I love you like a little brother… -[audience cheering]

تونی، من تو را مثل یک برادر کوچک‌تر دوست دارم... - [تشویق حضار]

…but I've had it up to here with your politics.

... اما من تا اینجا با سیاست‌های شما کنار آمده‌ام .

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Everyone's here, baby. Look at this place. Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

همه اینجا هستن عزیزم. به اینجا نگاه کن. همه دوستت دارن کوین هارت.

-MGK. -[audience cheering]

-MGK. -[تشویق حضار]

Fuck.

لعنت.

For a guy who's only going to need one pallbearer someday,

برای مردی که روزی فقط به یک تابوت‌بر نیاز خواهد داشت،

-you sure have a lot to choose from. -[audience laughing]

- مطمئناً انتخاب‌های زیادی دارید. - [خنده حضار]

What a story. What a story.

چه داستانی. چه داستانی.

Your dad was a street hustler and addicted to crack cocaine.

پدرت یه خلافکار خیابانی بود و به کراک و کوکائین معتاد بود.

So, I guess being dependent on the rock runs in the family.

بنابراین، حدس می‌زنم به سابقه‌ی خانوادگی در زمینه‌ی سنگ وابسته بودن .

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

-[Jeff] Hit it. -["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing]

-[جف] بزنش. -[موسیقی متن سریال «پلیس بورلی هیلز» در حال پخش است]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

-[music concludes] -Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you

-[موسیقی به پایان می‌رسد] -کوین، می‌دانم که پدرت تو را ترک کرده است

and then I went to see one of your movies and then I walked out on you.

و بعد رفتم یکی از فیلم‌هایت را دیدم و بعد بی‌خیال سینما شدم.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Maybe you're spending too much time in the gym working out.

شاید شما زمان زیادی را در باشگاه صرف تمرین می‌کنید.

It's arm day, it's leg day. When is it script day?

روز دست و پاست. روز فیلمنامه نویسی کی هست؟

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Do you even read these pieces of shit before you say yes?

اصلاً قبل از اینکه بله بگی، این چرت و پرت‌ها رو می‌خونی ؟

Come on, spell Jumanji.

بیا، جومانجی رو هجی کن.

Fuck you.

لعنت بهت.

And sure… sure, Kevin went to a Diddy party. So, what?

و مطمئناً... مطمئناً، کوین به مهمانی دیدی رفت. خب که چی؟

They just locked him in a room and put Paw Patrol on his iPad.

آنها او را در یک اتاق حبس کردند وفیلم Paw Patrol را روی آی‌پدش گذاشتند.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Kevin always flies private. What a waste of leg room.

کوین همیشه با ماشین شخصی پرواز می‌کند. چه فضای پایی که هدر می‌رود.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short. But you know who else was short? Prince.

بله، کو، مردم تو را به خاطر قد کوتاهت مسخره می‌کنند. اما می‌دانی چه کسی دیگر هم قد کوتاه بود؟ پرینس.

Prince was 5'2'', we just don't talk about it a lot

پرینس قدش ۱.۷۵ متر بود، فقط زیاد در موردش حرف نمی‌زنیم

-because Prince was great. -[audience laughing]

چون پرینس عالی بود. [خنده حضار]

But you, Kev, you're not just an entertainer, you're a brand.

اما تو، کِو، تو فقط یک هنرمند نیستی ، تو یک برند هستی.

You're like Martha Stewart,

تو مثل مارتا استوارتی،

but without the respect of the Black community.

اما بدون احترام جامعه سیاه‌پوستان.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

And I can say that because I'm dressed like Eddie Murphy.

و من می‌توانم این را بگویم چون مثل ادی مورفی لباس پوشیده‌ام.

-[audience laughing] -Hit it, ah, never mind.

-[خنده حضار] -بزنش، آه، مهم نیست.

Play something sweet.

یه چیز شیرین پخش کن.

-[gentle music playing] -Today's Mother's Day.

-[موسیقی ملایمی در حال پخش] -امروز روز مادره.

-Shout out to the moms… -[audience cheering, applauding]

- به افتخار مادران... - [تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

…and the motherfuckers.

و این حرامزاده‌ها.

Kev and I both lost our moms way too soon

من و کو خیلی زود مادرهایمان را از دست دادیم.

and I'm sorry yours isn't here tonight to see all the love in the room.

و متاسفم که امشب عشق تو اینجا نیست تا این همه عشق و محبت را در این جمع ببیند.

I know how important she was in your life. She was strict.

می‌دانم که او چقدر در زندگی تو مهم بود. او سختگیر بود.

One time you were acting up

یه بار داشتی خودنمایی میکردی

and she beat you with a Hot Wheels track, is that right?

و اون با یه ترک از هات ویلز تو رو شکست داد، درسته؟

But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted, put the track back together,

اما کوین، کوینِ بی‌باک، آهنگ را دوباره سرهم کرد،

got in his Hot Wheels car and drove right to Hollywood.

سوار ماشین هات ویلزش شد و مستقیم به سمت هالیوود رانندگی کرد.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

You always say, "Everybody wants to be famous…

تو همیشه می‌گی: «همه می‌خوان مشهور بشن…»

-[Kevin] Nobody wants to do the work. -…but nobody wants to do the work."

-[کوین] هیچ‌کس نمی‌خواهد این کار را انجام دهد. -... اما هیچ‌کس نمی‌خواهد این کار را انجام دهد.

-You do the work, you're a motivator. -[audience cheering, applauding]

تو کار را انجام می‌دهی، تو یک انگیزه‌دهنده هستی. - [تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

And you don't know this, Kevin, but you motivated me.

و تو اینو نمیدونی کوین، اما تو بهم انگیزه دادی.

At the last roast, you said, every time you look at me,

تو آخرین کباب، گفتی، هر دفعه که به من نگاه می‌کنی،

-I look sicker and sicker. -[audience laughing]

-من هر لحظه مریض‌تر به نظر می‌رسم. - [خنده حضار]

And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

و همه خندیدند، و این دردناک بود.

But you inspired me to go and get my first colonoscopy.

اما شما به من انگیزه دادید که بروم و اولین کولونوسکوپی‌ام را انجام دهم.

And that cancer screening was more entertaining

و اینکه غربالگری سرطان سرگرم کننده تر بود

than any screening you've ever invited me to.

از هر نمایش فیلمی که تا حالا من رو بهش دعوت کردی.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

They found a stage three tumor in my colon.

آنها یک تومور مرحله سه در روده بزرگ من پیدا کردند.

But luckily, like you, Kevin, it stopped growing.

اما خوشبختانه، مثل تو، کوین، رشدش متوقف شد.

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

If you hadn't made fun of me and saved me from colon cancer,

اگر مسخره‌ام نمی‌کردی و مرا از سرطان روده بزرگ نجات نمی‌دادی،

I wouldn't have been able to come up here tonight

امشب نمی‌تونستم بیام اینجا

-and shit all over you. [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

و همه جاتو کثیف کنه. [خنده] - [خنده حضار]

Thank you for saving my life, little buddy.

ممنون که جونمو نجات دادی، رفیق کوچولو.

-I love you. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-دوستت دارم. - [تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

[inaudible]

[نامفهوم]

-[audience cheering] -[music concludes]

-[تشویق حضار] -[موسیقی به پایان می‌رسد]

The Roastmaster General, everybody, give it up for Jeff Ross.

استاد کباب، همه، به خاطر جف راس تسلیم شوید.

[audience cheering, applauding]

{\an8تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

And how about an even bigger applause to all the Roastmaster soldiers

و چطور است که یک تشویق بزرگتر برای همه سربازان Roastmaster انجام دهیم؟

that just wrote all those jokes for him.

که همه آن جوک‌ها را برایش نوشته بود.

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-[خنده] -[خنده حضار]

What you talking about, Gillis?

چی داری میگی گیلیس؟

If you're wondering why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy,

اگر برایتان سوال است که چرا جف لباس ادی مورفی را پوشیده است،

good, you should be.

خوب، باید خوب باشی.

It doesn't make any sense, and it's kind of embarrassing.

هیچ منطقی نداره، و یه جورایی خجالت‌آوره.

Jeff's face looks like it fell out of a fucking lava lamp.

قیافه جف انگار از یه چراغ گدازه‌ای لعنتی افتاده بیرون.

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-[خنده] -[خنده حضار]

-[Jeff speaking indistinctly] -[chuckles]

-[جف با لحنی نامفهوم صحبت می‌کند] -[می‌خندد]

They could have used it on me. [chuckles]

می‌توانستند از آن روی من استفاده کنند. [می‌خندد]

-What you talking about, Gillis? -That's good. That's good.

چی داری میگی گیلیس؟ خوبه. خوبه.

Jeff's the only guy to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue.

جف تنها کسیه که دیوار ندبه رو بوسیده و از زبونش استفاده کرده.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Lot of Jews here tonight. That's not good.

امشب کلی یهودی اینجا هستند. این خوب نیست.

[chuckles] Well, I meant for the jokes, not just in general.

[می‌خندد] خب، منظورم شوخی‌ها بود، نه فقط به‌طور کلی.

-You get it. Whatever. Fuck you. -[audience laughing]

می‌فهمی. هرچی. گورتو گم کن. - [خنده حضار]

"Oh, not us." Shut up.

«اوه، ما نه.» خفه شو.

[chuckles] Our next roaster is Na'im Lynn.

[می‌خندد] برشته‌کار بعدی ما نعیم لین است.

-Yeah, Na'im. -[audience cheering, applauding]

بله، نعیم. - [تشویق حضار، کف زدن]

Na'im, that's a dumb name. It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes

نعیم، چه اسم مسخره‌ای. شبیه صداهایی است که یک آدم ناشنوا درمی‌آورد.

when he gets stuck trying to put on a turtleneck.

وقتی موقع پوشیدن یقه اسکی گیر می‌کند.

-[audience laughing] -Na'im. [chuckles] Na'im.

-[خنده حضار] -نعیم. [خنده ریز] نعیم.

I'd say Na'im is like family to Kevin,

به نظرم نعیم برای کوین مثل خانواده‌ست،

but they actually spend a lot of time together.

اما آنها در واقع زمان زیادی را با هم می‌گذرانند.

Please welcome Na'im Lynn, everybody. Give it up for Na'im.

لطفا همگی به نعیم لین خوشامد بگید. به خاطر نعیم این کار رو بکنید.

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[پخش موسیقی شاد] -[تشویق و تشویق حضار]

-[music concludes] -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-[موسیقی به پایان می‌رسد] -آره، آره، آره.

Hey, everyone. I'm probably the most unrecognizable face up here.

سلام به همگی. من احتمالاً غیرقابل تشخیص‌ترین چهره اینجا هستم.

-I have a TV show, but it comes on BET. -[audience laughing]

من یک برنامه تلویزیونی دارم، اما از شبکه BET پخش می‌شود. - [خنده حضار]

I've been working with Kevin for 25 years, and this motherfucker said

من ۲۵ ساله که با کوین کار می‌کنم، و این عوضی گفت

he put me in this roast because it could help my career.

او من را در این گروه قرار داد چون می‌توانست به پیشرفت شغلی‌ام کمک کند.

You could have helped my career by putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

شما می‌توانستید با بازی دادن من در یک فیلم، ۱۵ سال پیش به پیشرفت شغلی من کمک کنید .

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

You about to do Ride Along 3, and I still ain't rode along.

داری میری سراغ Ride Along 3 و من هنوز نرفتم.

-[audience laughing] -Look at you over there, all proud,

-[خنده حضار] -اونجا به خودت نگاه کن، همه‌مون مغروریم،

like a father that finally showed up on draft night.

مثل پدری که بالاخره شب درفت از راه رسید.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

You arrogant fuck. When Kevin first told me about the roast,

ای متکبر عوضی. وقتی کوین اولین بار در مورد کباب به من گفت،

he said, "Tom Brady did 100 million views,

او گفت، «تام بردی ۱۰۰ میلیون بازدید داشته،

so I'm probably gonna do 200 million views."

بنابراین احتمالاً ۲۰۰ میلیون بازدید خواهم داشت .

This motherfucker think he more famous than Tom Brady.

این عوضی فکر می‌کنه از تام بردی معروف‌تره.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

Tom has seven Super Bowl rings. That's like seven Oscars.

تام هفت تا حلقه سوپربول داره. مثل هفت تا اسکار میمونه.

-You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award. -[audience laughing]

- شما ۴۶ ساله هستید و جایزه منتخب کودکان را دریافت کرده‌اید. - [خنده حضار]

You don't have an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy.

شما جایزه اسکار، امی، تونی یا گرمی ندارید .

-The only Grammy you had died in 1985. -[audience laughing]

تنها جایزه گرمی که داشتی در سال ۱۹۸۵ فوت کرد. - [خنده حضار]

"Oh, no, Mama. Grammy died. Where are we gonna live now?"

«اوه، نه، مامان. گرامی فوت کرد. حالا کجا قراره زندگی کنیم؟»

[audience laughing]

[خنده حضار]

The only thing you and Tom Brady got in common,

تنها وجه اشتراک تو و تام بردی،

you both love your career more than your wife.

هر دوی شما شغلتان را بیشتر از همسرتان دوست دارید.

[audience laughing]

{\an8خنده حضار]

-[Na'im] I'm sorry, Eniko. -[audience laughing]

-[نعیم] متاسفم، انیکو. -[خنده حضار]

Kev, did you know you're the only second Black person

کو، می‌دونستی تو تنها دومین سیاه‌پوستی هستی که

to be roasted in the last 30 years?

to be roasted in the last 30 years?

It's just you and your brother, Flavor Flav.

It's just you and your brother, Flavor Flav.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

This guy's a fucking scam artist.

This guy's a fucking scam artist.

How the fuck you promoting fitness and tequila?

How the fuck you promoting fitness and tequila?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

You told me all these big names are gonna be up here.

You told me all these big names are gonna be up here.

Look at this batch of bullshit up here, man.

Look at this batch of bullshit up here, man.

What the fuck is Draymond Green doing here?

What the fuck is Draymond Green doing here?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Stupid-ass name. What the fuck is a "Draymond?"

Stupid-ass name. What the fuck is a "Draymond?"

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Your mother didn't know who your father was,

Your mother didn't know who your father was,

so she just combined two of the guys' names.

so she just combined two of the guys' names.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

"Who the daddy, girl?" "Mm-mm. It's either Andre or Lamond."

"Who the daddy, girl?" "Mm-mm. It's either Andre or Lamond."

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] "I'ma just call him Draymond."

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] "I'ma just call him Draymond."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[cheering, applauding]

[cheering, applauding]

-Your name sounds like a ugly paint color. -[audience laughing]

-Your name sounds like a ugly paint color. -[audience laughing]

And I was thinking about making the kitchen Draymond Green.

And I was thinking about making the kitchen Draymond Green.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Man, I thought The Rock would at least be here,

Man, I thought The Rock would at least be here,

because I got some shit to say about him.

because I got some shit to say about him.

But actually, you know, it's good he's not here,

But actually, you know, it's good he's not here,

because I'd rather talk shit behind his back. I feel safer.

because I'd rather talk shit behind his back. I feel safer.

-[audience laughing] -Big J, you be The Rock, all right?

-[audience laughing] -Big J, you be The Rock, all right?

This is the closest you'll get to being in shape, so savor the moment.

This is the closest you'll get to being in shape, so savor the moment.

Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

Fucking sellout, always playing the white guy in movies.

Fucking sellout, always playing the white guy in movies.

Nigga, please.

Nigga, please.

-Ain't no White guys named Dwayne. -[audience laughing]

-Ain't no White guys named Dwayne. -[audience laughing]

If you apply for a job at Target and you write Dwayne Johnson on it,

If you apply for a job at Target and you write Dwayne Johnson on it,

-that shit's going in the trash. -[audience laughing]

-that shit's going in the trash. -[audience laughing]

That's a DEI joke, you stupid motherfucker.

That's a DEI joke, you stupid motherfucker.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Let me chill, I don't want no smoke with rock.

Let me chill, I don't want no smoke with rock.

-That's what almost killed Lamar Odom. -[audience laughing]

-That's what almost killed Lamar Odom. -[audience laughing]

Jeff Ross is here collecting this one check for the year.

Jeff Ross is here collecting this one check for the year.

-[audience laughing] -[Na'im] Yeah.

-[audience laughing] -[Na'im] Yeah.

This might be Jeff's last roast if he don't get that kidney.

This might be Jeff's last roast if he don't get that kidney.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Jeff, you look like the only kid

Jeff, you look like the only kid

that Michael Jackson visited in the hospital that lived.

that Michael Jackson visited in the hospital that lived.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

-Make a wish, motherfucker. -[audience laughing]

-Make a wish, motherfucker. -[audience laughing]

-Chelsea Handler, yeah. -[audience cheering]

-Chelsea Handler, yeah. -[audience cheering]

Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there aging at the speed of white.

Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there aging at the speed of white.

Take a picture of Chelsea now,

Take a picture of Chelsea now,

I guarantee you won't recognize her by the end of the night.

I guarantee you won't recognize her by the end of the night.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Over there with all that makeup on, casket ready.

Over there with all that makeup on, casket ready.

-[audience laughing] -[Na'im chuckles]

-[audience laughing] -[Na'im chuckles]

I can't wait till they do a remake of Golden Girls

I can't wait till they do a remake of Golden Girls

so you can get a fucking job again, all right?

so you can get a fucking job again, all right?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

You'd be like a less fuckable Betty White.

You'd be like a less fuckable Betty White.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

And I'm not talking Betty in her prime. I'm talking Betty right now.

And I'm not talking Betty in her prime. I'm talking Betty right now.

-[audience laughing] -Yeah, Betty's dead.

-[audience laughing] -Yeah, Betty's dead.

We got one of the kings of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood.

We got one of the kings of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Sheryl, they've been talking about doing a biopic on Kev's life.

Sheryl, they've been talking about doing a biopic on Kev's life.

-I think you'd be great to play his dad. -[audience laughing]

-I think you'd be great to play his dad. -[audience laughing]

Pete Davidson here. Pete is just another former SNL cast member

Pete Davidson here. Pete is just another former SNL cast member

-that's gonna overdose at some point. -[audience laughing]

-that's gonna overdose at some point. -[audience laughing]

-I don't like you, Pete. -[audience laughing]

-I don't like you, Pete. -[audience laughing]

Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man? I thought, yeah, I thought…

Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man? I thought, yeah, I thought…

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

…I thought he'd be here stealing more money from Netflix.

…I thought he'd be here stealing more money from Netflix.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I know you're watching, Dave. I saw your last special.

I know you're watching, Dave. I saw your last special.

-Some jokes would have been nice. -[audience laughing]

-Some jokes would have been nice. -[audience laughing]

Hour-long speech, 20 million.

Hour-long speech, 20 million.

He's the reason the damn subscription goes up every six months.

He's the reason the damn subscription goes up every six months.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

[chuckles] By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

He hates you more than the transgender community.

He hates you more than the transgender community.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I actually don't know why the trans hate you.

I actually don't know why the trans hate you.

-You're married to a Filipino lady boy. -[audience laughing]

-You're married to a Filipino lady boy. -[audience laughing]

Okay, they said I gotta say something nice before I go,

Okay, they said I gotta say something nice before I go,

so here it goes.

so here it goes.

Kev, you've not only been an inspiration to me,

Kev, you've not only been an inspiration to me,

but to all comics and Black people as a whole,

but to all comics and Black people as a whole,

because you didn't stop at just being a great entertainer.

because you didn't stop at just being a great entertainer.

You became a mogul, a businessman,

You became a mogul, a businessman,

creating generational wealth for not only your family,

creating generational wealth for not only your family,

-but other employees. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-but other employees. -[audience cheering, applauding]

When slavery ended, we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

When slavery ended, we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

We didn't get our 40 acres, but we got our mule.

We didn't get our 40 acres, but we got our mule.

-That's you, my boy. -[audience laughing]

-That's you, my boy. -[audience laughing]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[indistinct chatter]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[indistinct chatter]

[Shane] Keep it going for Na'im, everybody.

[Shane] Keep it going for Na'im, everybody.

Yeah, he did great.

Yeah, he did great.

Also, Na'im, great choice there at the end to talk shit on Dave.

Also, Na'im, great choice there at the end to talk shit on Dave.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

He'll let that go, for sure.

He'll let that go, for sure.

-[audience laughing] -[scoffs]

-[audience laughing] -[scoffs]

That was an interesting shot. [chuckles]

That was an interesting shot. [chuckles]

-Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler. -[audience cheering]

-Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler. -[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

[audience applauding]

She loves sex. Isn't that interesting?

She loves sex. Isn't that interesting?

She talked about it for 30 years, you fuck. [chuckles]

She talked about it for 30 years, you fuck. [chuckles]

She even released her own sex tape. Sex tape is also what she uses

She even released her own sex tape. Sex tape is also what she uses

to keep from tripping over her own pussy lips.

to keep from tripping over her own pussy lips.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

You can skip that part.

You can skip that part.

Go ahead. Go ahead. There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist.

Go ahead. Go ahead. There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I'm not saying that's good or bad.

I'm not saying that's good or bad.

Speaking of dead kids, she's a big fan of abortions.

Speaking of dead kids, she's a big fan of abortions.

Chelsea's been scraped more times than the grill at Benihana.

Chelsea's been scraped more times than the grill at Benihana.

Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp into a child's mouth,

Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp into a child's mouth,

Chelsea Handler went to dinner at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010.

Chelsea Handler went to dinner at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010.

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

Just a fun one. You can look it up, there's articles.

Just a fun one. You can look it up, there's articles.

It wasn't like a big party, there was like seven people there.

It wasn't like a big party, there was like seven people there.

And it was like Prince Andrew and Woody Allen were there.

And it was like Prince Andrew and Woody Allen were there.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Handler.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Handler.

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering]

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering]

[music concludes]

[music concludes]

Oh, my God, thank you Shane.

Oh, my God, thank you Shane.

And I thought I was gonna have the best tits

And I thought I was gonna have the best tits

-on this dais tonight. -[audience laughing]

-on this dais tonight. -[audience laughing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Chelsea] When I first saw you tonight,

[Chelsea] When I first saw you tonight,

I thought, "Oh, my God, is that Druski in whiteface?"

I thought, "Oh, my God, is that Druski in whiteface?"

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

What a beautiful way to spend Mother's Day.

What a beautiful way to spend Mother's Day.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Shane, I feel like I could be your mother,

Shane, I feel like I could be your mother,

mostly because you look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

mostly because you look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Hi, everybody, it's me, your resident whore for the evening.

Hi, everybody, it's me, your resident whore for the evening.

Guys, I just want to clarify, I'm rich, I'm famous, and I'm hot.

Guys, I just want to clarify, I'm rich, I'm famous, and I'm hot.

Obviously, I'm gonna be fucking a lot of guys, okay? [chuckles]

Obviously, I'm gonna be fucking a lot of guys, okay? [chuckles]

-[audience cheering] -Let's get the party started.

-[audience cheering] -Let's get the party started.

I'm just glad, I'm just glad that my whore elevator

I'm just glad, I'm just glad that my whore elevator

never stopped on any of your fucking floors.

never stopped on any of your fucking floors.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

And, Shane, just so you know,

And, Shane, just so you know,

Judaism and Zionism are two different things.

Judaism and Zionism are two different things.

Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown are two different things,

Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown are two different things,

but your favorite slur works in both places.

but your favorite slur works in both places.

Shane has been accused of being anti-Asian,

Shane has been accused of being anti-Asian,

which is ironic considering he has

which is ironic considering he has

the complexion and physique of a steamed dumpling.

the complexion and physique of a steamed dumpling.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Word on the street is that Shane's a lazy lover

Word on the street is that Shane's a lazy lover

and the only way to get him to go down on a woman

and the only way to get him to go down on a woman

is to put pussy on the buffet at Golden Corral.

is to put pussy on the buffet at Golden Corral.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

The first time I met Kevin was almost 20 years ago

The first time I met Kevin was almost 20 years ago

and I remember thinking,

and I remember thinking,

"What is 50 Cent's dick doing walking around all by itself?"

"What is 50 Cent's dick doing walking around all by itself?"

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

A lot of people think Kevin was discovered

A lot of people think Kevin was discovered

during one of The Rock's colonoscopies.

during one of The Rock's colonoscopies.

But that's not true.

But that's not true.

I was actually one of the very few people,

I was actually one of the very few people,

very first people, that gave Kevin a platform

very first people, that gave Kevin a platform

for his "comedy" when I gave him a weekly spot on Chelsea Lately.

for his "comedy" when I gave him a weekly spot on Chelsea Lately.

-And I had no idea… -[audience cheering]

-And I had no idea… -[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

I had no idea when I did this that we would be subjected

I had no idea when I did this that we would be subjected

to three Jumanjis, two Ride Alongs,

to three Jumanjis, two Ride Alongs,

two Die Harts, endless amounts of Hart to Heart,

two Die Harts, endless amounts of Hart to Heart,

and whatever make-a-wish situation

and whatever make-a-wish situation

you have going on with the plastic fucking cup boys.

you have going on with the plastic fucking cup boys.

So first, I'm here to apologize.

So first, I'm here to apologize.

And second, I'm here to do something we don't see

And second, I'm here to do something we don't see

White people do enough of in Hollywood. Take credit for a Black person's career.

White people do enough of in Hollywood. Take credit for a Black person's career.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Kevin, I'm gonna circle back to you in a minute because I am really here

Kevin, I'm gonna circle back to you in a minute because I am really here

on behalf of women in America and abroad. [chuckles]

on behalf of women in America and abroad. [chuckles]

Welcome to tonight's episode of To Catch a Predator.

Welcome to tonight's episode of To Catch a Predator.

This is a real who's who of statutory rapists.

This is a real who's who of statutory rapists.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

We're all just lucky none of you could afford an island.

We're all just lucky none of you could afford an island.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Netflix assembled this panel of men

Netflix assembled this panel of men

to remind us that there are worse things

to remind us that there are worse things

than Louis C.K. jerking off in front of you.

than Louis C.K. jerking off in front of you.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

You helped sway the last election. Way to go.

You helped sway the last election. Way to go.

You should be proud, boys.

You should be proud, boys.

Now that your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory,

Now that your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory,

I assume that all of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran.

I assume that all of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran.

Or do you tough-talking pussies only go to the Middle East

Or do you tough-talking pussies only go to the Middle East

-for comedy festivals? -[audience laughing]

-for comedy festivals? -[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[audience applauding]

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony is what happens when women don't have safe access to abortion care.

Tony is what happens when women don't have safe access to abortion care.

Tony and Shane both live in Texas where abortion is illegal,

Tony and Shane both live in Texas where abortion is illegal,

but on the upside, if you see one of them doing comedy,

but on the upside, if you see one of them doing comedy,

there's a pretty good chance

there's a pretty good chance

your uterus will start dry heaving on its own.

your uterus will start dry heaving on its own.

Tony is a real guy's guy,

Tony is a real guy's guy,

or what's more commonly known as a bottom.

or what's more commonly known as a bottom.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Tony, you have the face of a school shooter

Tony, you have the face of a school shooter

and the personality of someone who gets shot first.

and the personality of someone who gets shot first.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Look at you, you look good. You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

Look at you, you look good. You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

I didn't know veneers came in deli mustard yellow.

I didn't know veneers came in deli mustard yellow.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

But it actually looks a little bit better in person.

But it actually looks a little bit better in person.

You must be using Crest White supremacist strips.

You must be using Crest White supremacist strips.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Tony and Shane, this must be so exciting for you guys.

Tony and Shane, this must be so exciting for you guys.

Usually on Sunday nights,

Usually on Sunday nights,

you just burn a cross on someone's lawn.

you just burn a cross on someone's lawn.

And tonight, you get to roast a whole Black guy.

And tonight, you get to roast a whole Black guy.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Chelsea] Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin.

[Chelsea] Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin.

Tony, quick question. If you're here tonight,

Tony, quick question. If you're here tonight,

who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls warm in their mouth?

who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls warm in their mouth?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight.

Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight.

Let's keep moving.

Let's keep moving.

Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall.

Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall.

I'm not gonna use my time to insult two Black women

I'm not gonna use my time to insult two Black women

when I'm dealing with this fucking group of idiots.

when I'm dealing with this fucking group of idiots.

Draymond Green is here tonight.

Draymond Green is here tonight.

I like Draymond a lot. I like what you're putting down.

I like Draymond a lot. I like what you're putting down.

Draymond has achieved something many Black men

Draymond has achieved something many Black men

in the NBA have never accomplished. He married a Black woman.

in the NBA have never accomplished. He married a Black woman.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Chelsea] In preparation for this roast,

[Chelsea] In preparation for this roast,

I looked up everybody's star signs,

I looked up everybody's star signs,

so I found out I'm a Pisces, I know Pete is a Scorpio,

so I found out I'm a Pisces, I know Pete is a Scorpio,

-and Jeff Ross has cancer. -[audience laughing]

-and Jeff Ross has cancer. -[audience laughing]

Let's give it up for the least problematic man

Let's give it up for the least problematic man

on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson!

on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson!

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Whoever thought I would say that sentence?

Whoever thought I would say that sentence?

Pete is our moral compass tonight.

Pete is our moral compass tonight.

Pete recently welcomed his first child that he knows of.

Pete recently welcomed his first child that he knows of.

A beautiful baby girl.

A beautiful baby girl.

Congratulations, Pete, on becoming a father.

Congratulations, Pete, on becoming a father.

I can see you've turned over a new leaf.

I can see you've turned over a new leaf.

I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe didn't have a baby

I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe didn't have a baby

and that he has a daughter now, you know?

and that he has a daughter now, you know?

If he had a daughter, her first words would be, "Me too."

If he had a daughter, her first words would be, "Me too."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

And now, sorry, if you had a son. [chuckles]

And now, sorry, if you had a son. [chuckles]

And now, back to Kevin.

And now, back to Kevin.

Kevin had a DUI in 2013

Kevin had a DUI in 2013

and then had a little dipsy doodle off Mulholland in 2019. [laughs]

and then had a little dipsy doodle off Mulholland in 2019. [laughs]

And then had the nerve to call one of his movies Ride Along.

And then had the nerve to call one of his movies Ride Along.

Even Tiger Woods is like, "No thanks, I'll walk."

Even Tiger Woods is like, "No thanks, I'll walk."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin, on your tequila.

But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin, on your tequila.

Kevin's tequila is called Gran Coramino,

Kevin's tequila is called Gran Coramino,

which is Spanish for "Eddie Murphy said fuck no."

which is Spanish for "Eddie Murphy said fuck no."

It's the only tequila brand in the world where

It's the only tequila brand in the world where

if you want to swallow a tiny shriveled up little worm,

if you want to swallow a tiny shriveled up little worm,

Kevin will personally drive to your house and face fuck you.

Kevin will personally drive to your house and face fuck you.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Chelsea] I do want to say this, however, about Kevin.

[Chelsea] I do want to say this, however, about Kevin.

Because Kevin is one of the few male comedians

Because Kevin is one of the few male comedians

who's never been gross or inappropriate around me.

who's never been gross or inappropriate around me.

He has never been disrespectful to me or any other woman in his presence.

He has never been disrespectful to me or any other woman in his presence.

And the only time he ever said anything sexual

And the only time he ever said anything sexual

was when he was shit-faced at one of the Chelsea Lately wrap parties.

was when he was shit-faced at one of the Chelsea Lately wrap parties.

And you were like, he was like, "Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea."

And you were like, he was like, "Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea."

"Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy."

"Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy."

"You fucked the wrong Black guy."

"You fucked the wrong Black guy."

And I thought that was so cute that you thought there was only one.

And I thought that was so cute that you thought there was only one.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Na'im is actually starting to look familiar. [chuckles]

Na'im is actually starting to look familiar. [chuckles]

But the worst thing about Kevin is if you do Kevin one favor,

But the worst thing about Kevin is if you do Kevin one favor,

he will never stop asking you to do him more favors.

he will never stop asking you to do him more favors.

And the reason people say yes is because it's the only way

And the reason people say yes is because it's the only way

to get you to shut the fuck up.

to get you to shut the fuck up.

And somehow you seem to think that you're the greatest negotiator,

And somehow you seem to think that you're the greatest negotiator,

"The best" is what you say.

"The best" is what you say.

And I would like to let everyone here know that the most recent favor Kevin asked me

And I would like to let everyone here know that the most recent favor Kevin asked me

to do for him was to film his TV show, Funny AF,

to do for him was to film his TV show, Funny AF,

which is a very gay name, by the way.

which is a very gay name, by the way.

It ended up being a great show. You're right, it is a good show.

It ended up being a great show. You're right, it is a good show.

But I was in Majorca at the time, like any other rich white woman would be.

But I was in Majorca at the time, like any other rich white woman would be.

So after I said no to Kevin for the 11th time,

So after I said no to Kevin for the 11th time,

Kevin chartered a private plane for me and my entire family

Kevin chartered a private plane for me and my entire family

to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

Except here's the truth, my family was never with me, Kevin.

Except here's the truth, my family was never with me, Kevin.

I just said that to get you to leave me alone,

I just said that to get you to leave me alone,

so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream for me and my dog.

so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream for me and my dog.

So I would like to correct the record

So I would like to correct the record

from best negotiator to huge fucking idiot.

from best negotiator to huge fucking idiot.

And on a nice note,

And on a nice note,

since this is a roast and everyone's so disgusting,

since this is a roast and everyone's so disgusting,

I would just like to say, as a woman, I am proud to be friends

I would just like to say, as a woman, I am proud to be friends

with a male comedian who respects women,

with a male comedian who respects women,

who spends time with his family, and who loves his wife, Eniko.

who spends time with his family, and who loves his wife, Eniko.

That makes me proud to be your friend,

That makes me proud to be your friend,

so I'm gonna give you that, you little fuckin' nugget.

so I'm gonna give you that, you little fuckin' nugget.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

It takes a lot of people.

It takes a lot of people.

Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Fucking asshole.

Fucking asshole.

It takes a lot of people to support the career of Kevin Hart.

It takes a lot of people to support the career of Kevin Hart.

Here to honor Kevin's stand ins and body doubles,

Here to honor Kevin's stand ins and body doubles,

please welcome Lizzo.

please welcome Lizzo.

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[plays flute]

[plays flute]

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

Come on. Fuck it up, baby.

Come on. Fuck it up, baby.

Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

Make some noise, y'all!

Make some noise, y'all!

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Give it up for my nigglets, y'all.

Give it up for my nigglets, y'all.

We worked really hard on that. [laughs]

We worked really hard on that. [laughs]

Well, well, well, Kevin. So this is how you're able

Well, well, well, Kevin. So this is how you're able

to make five shitty movies at the same time.

to make five shitty movies at the same time.

This is against union rules, you know.

This is against union rules, you know.

They gonna kick you out the lollipop guild.

They gonna kick you out the lollipop guild.

Kevin, what's going on with this dais?

Kevin, what's going on with this dais?

I was promised real celebrities.

I was promised real celebrities.

Where are all your friends from the Diddy files?

Where are all your friends from the Diddy files?

You know all of them.

You know all of them.

I feel overdressed right now. Do y'all like my outfit?

I feel overdressed right now. Do y'all like my outfit?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

-I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet. -[audience laughing]

-I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet. -[audience laughing]

-[Lizzo] Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe. -[audience laughing]

-[Lizzo] Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe. -[audience laughing]

Actually heard that Tony's a fan of my music,

Actually heard that Tony's a fan of my music,

but the lyric is, "blame it on the juice,"

but the lyric is, "blame it on the juice,"

-not "blame it on the Jews." -[audience laughing]

-not "blame it on the Jews." -[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] What the fuck is wrong with you? [chuckling]

[Lizzo] What the fuck is wrong with you? [chuckling]

Me and Tony actually have something in common.

Me and Tony actually have something in common.

I played James Madison's crystal flute and he played Donald Trump's skin flute.

I played James Madison's crystal flute and he played Donald Trump's skin flute.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Chelsea, a flute is something you wrap your lips around

Chelsea, a flute is something you wrap your lips around

-that won't leave you after you blow it. -[audience laughing]

-that won't leave you after you blow it. -[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] Just want you to know that.

[Lizzo] Just want you to know that.

Shane Gillis!

Shane Gillis!

Thank you for that introduction. You look good.

Thank you for that introduction. You look good.

You been chasing your beer with milk?

You been chasing your beer with milk?

-[chuckling] -[audience laughing]

-[chuckling] -[audience laughing]

Shane Gillis… [laughs]

Shane Gillis… [laughs]

Shane Gillis looked like somebody trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

Shane Gillis looked like somebody trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

I just made that one up on the spot.

I just made that one up on the spot.

-Um… [laughs] -[audience laughing]

-Um… [laughs] -[audience laughing]

Shane, I wrote you a song.

Shane, I wrote you a song.

♪ In case nobody told you today You're special ♪

♪ In case nobody told you today You're special ♪

-[audience laughing] -[Lizzo] Thank you.

-[audience laughing] -[Lizzo] Thank you.

Save some chromosomes for the rest of us, boy.

Save some chromosomes for the rest of us, boy.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

-Draymond Green is here. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Draymond Green is here. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Why is everyone booing him? I'm excited to see you.

Why is everyone booing him? I'm excited to see you.

Personally, I've never seen Draymond Green in person.

Personally, I've never seen Draymond Green in person.

I always thought he was just six Kevin Hart's in a trench coat.

I always thought he was just six Kevin Hart's in a trench coat.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

So, that's fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross.

So, that's fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[chuckles] Looking like my bloody tampon.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[chuckles] Looking like my bloody tampon.

Jeff got ready for tonight

Jeff got ready for tonight

by spending a week floating face down in a swimming pool.

by spending a week floating face down in a swimming pool.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

You know, I believe that everybody is beautiful, except for you, Jeff.

You know, I believe that everybody is beautiful, except for you, Jeff.

-You ugly as shit. -[audience laughing]

-You ugly as shit. -[audience laughing]

-You look like a old, white, Black woman. -[audience laughing]

-You look like a old, white, Black woman. -[audience laughing]

Okay, okay, okay, that was mean, that was mean.

Okay, okay, okay, that was mean, that was mean.

There's so much negativity here tonight and y'all know that's not my thing.

There's so much negativity here tonight and y'all know that's not my thing.

I like to write songs that uplift and inspire women

I like to write songs that uplift and inspire women

so that they don't make bad decisions like fucking Pete Davidson.

so that they don't make bad decisions like fucking Pete Davidson.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry, I didn't wanna-- I would fuck you.

I'm sorry, I didn't wanna-- I would fuck you.

There's more to that joke and I'm just gonna stop it right there.

There's more to that joke and I'm just gonna stop it right there.

-[laughs] Let's keep going. -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] Let's keep going. -[audience laughing]

-In all seriousness… [laughs] -[audience laughing]

-In all seriousness… [laughs] -[audience laughing]

In all… [chuckles]

In all… [chuckles]

-Oh, this is live? Okay, cool. -[audience laughing]

-Oh, this is live? Okay, cool. -[audience laughing]

But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

It's an honor to share the stage with someone

It's an honor to share the stage with someone

who's opened the door for so many Black men.

who's opened the door for so many Black men.

Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

-[audience laughing] -Wakanda forever!

-[audience laughing] -Wakanda forever!

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Chelsea, your set was incredible and your tits are even better, babe.

Chelsea, your set was incredible and your tits are even better, babe.

-[audience laughing] -[Lizzo] Whoo!

-[audience laughing] -[Lizzo] Whoo!

Kevin and I are both mocked for our size,

Kevin and I are both mocked for our size,

and we share that pain, but I can lose weight.

and we share that pain, but I can lose weight.

-You can't get taller, nigga. [laughs] -[audience laughing]

-You can't get taller, nigga. [laughs] -[audience laughing]

Ain't no Ozempic for being short and greasy.

Ain't no Ozempic for being short and greasy.

Kevin, thank you for having me here tonight.

Kevin, thank you for having me here tonight.

And as a thank you, I have a new album coming out…

And as a thank you, I have a new album coming out…

and I actually named it after you. It's called "Bitch." [chuckles]

and I actually named it after you. It's called "Bitch." [chuckles]

You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin. I love you so much.

You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin. I love you so much.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

-Give it up for Lizzo. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Give it up for Lizzo. -[audience cheering, applauding]

I'd really love to make fun of her, but I met her earlier this week

I'd really love to make fun of her, but I met her earlier this week

and she's actually pretty fucking cool. Who would have thought that?

and she's actually pretty fucking cool. Who would have thought that?

But anyway, actually, I'd still like to do it. Go back.

But anyway, actually, I'd still like to do it. Go back.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Lizzo looks like the final boss of a Red Lobster video game.

Lizzo looks like the final boss of a Red Lobster video game.

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

People keep saying Lizzo's washed up, but I believe the correct term is beached.

People keep saying Lizzo's washed up, but I believe the correct term is beached.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

-Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch. -[audience laughing]

-Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch. -[audience laughing]

-We're having fun. [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-We're having fun. [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo.

I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo.

No, come on, why you gotta get me? I've been getting a lot.

No, come on, why you gotta get me? I've been getting a lot.

-What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea? -[audience laughing]

-What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea? -[audience laughing]

[chuckles] God damn.

[chuckles] God damn.

Guys, the next guy we're gonna talk about is Pete Davidson.

Guys, the next guy we're gonna talk about is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson is here to remind me

Pete Davidson is here to remind me

that being on SNL does not make you a better comedian.

that being on SNL does not make you a better comedian.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Pete showed up at the Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine.

Pete showed up at the Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine.

I actually think that's pretty fucking awesome.

I actually think that's pretty fucking awesome.

At least you didn't show up to that event on Viagra

At least you didn't show up to that event on Viagra

like a lot of the people in this room did.

like a lot of the people in this room did.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

There's a lot of pedophiles here.

There's a lot of pedophiles here.

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

Pete, this is actually an intervention for you.

Pete, this is actually an intervention for you.

Please start doing drugs so you can be fun and interesting again.

Please start doing drugs so you can be fun and interesting again.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

He has a new podcast on Netflix and it fucking sucks. [laughs]

He has a new podcast on Netflix and it fucking sucks. [laughs]

-[audience laughing] -I don't-- Pete's the fucking man.

-[audience laughing] -I don't-- Pete's the fucking man.

I love him. Make some noise. Pete Davidson, everybody.

I love him. Make some noise. Pete Davidson, everybody.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing]

All right. Wow.

All right. Wow.

Look at this dais. Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

Look at this dais. Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

Great job hosting, Shane.

Great job hosting, Shane.

You look like you got CTE playing fantasy football.

You look like you got CTE playing fantasy football.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Shane, you got fired from SNL. Do you know how hard that is?

Shane, you got fired from SNL. Do you know how hard that is?

I tried for eight years and couldn't do it.

I tried for eight years and couldn't do it.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Tony Hinchcliffe is here, looking like both a child molester

Tony Hinchcliffe is here, looking like both a child molester

and the doll they give the child to show where he touched them.

and the doll they give the child to show where he touched them.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk in that he's definitely been on camera

Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk in that he's definitely been on camera

-letting a guy unload in his throat. -[audience laughing]

-letting a guy unload in his throat. -[audience laughing]

Oh, you don't know me? You don't know me? Yeah.

Oh, you don't know me? You don't know me? Yeah.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. Kill Tony.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. Kill Tony.

-Please, someone, fucking kill Tony. -[audience laughing]

-Please, someone, fucking kill Tony. -[audience laughing]

Tony, nothing you say tonight will hurt my feelings.

Tony, nothing you say tonight will hurt my feelings.

I was in a beef with Kanye, so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis.

I was in a beef with Kanye, so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis.

-[audience laughing] -Thank you. Yeah.

-[audience laughing] -Thank you. Yeah.

-What's left of Lizzo is here. -[audience laughing]

-What's left of Lizzo is here. -[audience laughing]

Either that or Eddie Murphy just premiered the newest clump.

Either that or Eddie Murphy just premiered the newest clump.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Pete] Hercules! Hercules! No.

[Pete] Hercules! Hercules! No.

Lizzo mostly dates men, but identifies as LGB-B-Q

Lizzo mostly dates men, but identifies as LGB-B-Q

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Chelsea Handler is here.

Chelsea Handler is here.

Thanks for saying nice things about me. That was nice.

Thanks for saying nice things about me. That was nice.

Chelsea is so old that when she blew 50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

Chelsea is so old that when she blew 50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

-Regina Hall is here. Pass. -[audience laughing]

-Regina Hall is here. Pass. -[audience laughing]

Na’im Lynn, also pass.

Na’im Lynn, also pass.

Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look like the inside of a clam.

Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look like the inside of a clam.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Jeff looks like my dad if he somehow survived 9/11.

Jeff looks like my dad if he somehow survived 9/11.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

The Babadook, I mean Sheryl Underwood is here.

The Babadook, I mean Sheryl Underwood is here.

-[audience laughing] -Hello ma'am.

-[audience laughing] -Hello ma'am.

Sheryl has a daytime Emmy, ‘cause nobody could see her at night.

Sheryl has a daytime Emmy, ‘cause nobody could see her at night.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

We play hide and seek later, you're on my team.

We play hide and seek later, you're on my team.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] I'm sorry. By the way, guys, Sheryl isn't smiling.

[chuckles] I'm sorry. By the way, guys, Sheryl isn't smiling.

She's just unhinging her jaw so she can swallow Kevin whole.

She's just unhinging her jaw so she can swallow Kevin whole.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Big Jay is here.

Big Jay is here.

Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine. Love you.

Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine. Love you.

Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear, because eventually they find out

Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear, because eventually they find out

-he's been recording them the whole time. -[audience laughing]

-he's been recording them the whole time. -[audience laughing]

Draymond Green is here. Yeah.

Draymond Green is here. Yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Why do you look blacker than usual? Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

Why do you look blacker than usual? Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

-[audience laughing] -[Pete] Ooh. Ooh.

-[audience laughing] -[Pete] Ooh. Ooh.

-Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Draymond's so dirty,

Draymond's so dirty,

even Magic Johnson refuses to play with him.

even Magic Johnson refuses to play with him.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

-Yep. I love you too, buddy. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Yep. I love you too, buddy. -[audience cheering, applauding]

What can you say about Kevin that hasn't already been yelled out

What can you say about Kevin that hasn't already been yelled out

-by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs? -[audience laughing]

-by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs? -[audience laughing]

-Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop. -[audience laughing]

-Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop. -[audience laughing]

You know, I get lumped in a lot with Kevin because we both performed

You know, I get lumped in a lot with Kevin because we both performed

at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

But the difference is, Kevin went to Saudi Arabia for a day's work.

But the difference is, Kevin went to Saudi Arabia for a day's work.

Well, I've been owed that money since I was seven.

Well, I've been owed that money since I was seven.

-[audience laughing, applauding] -Yes, thank you.

-[audience laughing, applauding] -Yes, thank you.

Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

[chuckles] First of all, I just want to say I love you very much.

[chuckles] First of all, I just want to say I love you very much.

You've always been super nice to me. We actually met at the Bieber roast,

You've always been super nice to me. We actually met at the Bieber roast,

which is super cool that now it's this.

which is super cool that now it's this.

You're a very hardworking person, and when it's all said and done, you know,

You're a very hardworking person, and when it's all said and done, you know,

in the comedy world, what's most important is you'll be remembered.

in the comedy world, what's most important is you'll be remembered.

And I think that's fucking something. So, thanks for having me.

And I think that's fucking something. So, thanks for having me.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah, Pete, hell yeah. Give it up for Pete, he just killed.

Yeah, Pete, hell yeah. Give it up for Pete, he just killed.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Fuck yeah, Pete.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Fuck yeah, Pete.

Now, we're gonna talk about Draymond Green.

Now, we're gonna talk about Draymond Green.

Draymond Green is here.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah, fuck him.

Yeah, fuck him.

Draymond Green has four NBA championships

Draymond Green has four NBA championships

the way Ringo Starr has 11 number one albums.

the way Ringo Starr has 11 number one albums.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Draymond's always taking credit

Draymond's always taking credit

for the accomplishments of his more talented friends.

for the accomplishments of his more talented friends.

-See, Jeff? It's not just you. -[audience laughing]

-See, Jeff? It's not just you. -[audience laughing]

Draymond is the first player to make four All-Star teams

Draymond is the first player to make four All-Star teams

-for just setting picks. -[audience laughing]

-for just setting picks. -[audience laughing]

Thought that would get more. Fuck you guys. You don't know ball.

Thought that would get more. Fuck you guys. You don't know ball.

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

Go ahead, make some noise. Draymond Green, everybody.

Go ahead, make some noise. Draymond Green, everybody.

-Give it up for Draymond. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Give it up for Draymond. -[audience cheering, applauding]

[rendition of "X Gon' Give It To Ya" playing]

[rendition of "X Gon' Give It To Ya" playing]

I think this is the part where I'm supposed to say,

I think this is the part where I'm supposed to say,

-"Fuck all of you for booing me." -[audience laughing, booing]

-"Fuck all of you for booing me." -[audience laughing, booing]

-But I actually… -[audience laughing, booing]

-But I actually… -[audience laughing, booing]

But I actually need y'all to laugh at these jokes they wrote for me,

But I actually need y'all to laugh at these jokes they wrote for me,

so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry, okay?

so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry, okay?

I know I probably seem a little uncomfortable up here,

I know I probably seem a little uncomfortable up here,

but I'm in the NBA.

but I'm in the NBA.

I'm not used to working around this many white people.

I'm not used to working around this many white people.

-[audience laughing] -I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

-[audience laughing] -I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

Kevin, you let all these white boys talk bad about us, our culture,

Kevin, you let all these white boys talk bad about us, our culture,

our beautiful Black women. You fucking sell out.

our beautiful Black women. You fucking sell out.

-[audience laughing] -Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

-[audience laughing] -Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

And I'm putting cases on all you white motherfuckers.

And I'm putting cases on all you white motherfuckers.

-[audience laughing] -Shane Gillis, look at you.

-[audience laughing] -Shane Gillis, look at you.

Big pastry face.

Big pastry face.

That mustache. You look like a 1930s baseball card.

That mustache. You look like a 1930s baseball card.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

If you look closely at Jeff Ross, you'll notice he has no eyebrows.

If you look closely at Jeff Ross, you'll notice he has no eyebrows.

They were lost when he went through Kevin Hart's windshield.

They were lost when he went through Kevin Hart's windshield.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

If Kevin Hart had a video game, they'd call it "Grand Theft-- Uh-oh."

If Kevin Hart had a video game, they'd call it "Grand Theft-- Uh-oh."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Tony Hinchcliffe, what's up man?

Tony Hinchcliffe, what's up man?

Always flexing that he grew up in the hood.

Always flexing that he grew up in the hood.

Well, yeah, that's what you were to a fucking cross burning.

Well, yeah, that's what you were to a fucking cross burning.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Draymond] Pete Davidson's here.

[Draymond] Pete Davidson's here.

-Pete Davidson's here. Why? -[audience laughing]

-Pete Davidson's here. Why? -[audience laughing]

You fucked a Kardashian.

You fucked a Kardashian.

You have those big ass lips

You have those big ass lips

and terrible fucking decision-making skills.

and terrible fucking decision-making skills.

You get an N word pass.

You get an N word pass.

It's only good for an hour, and use it wisely.

It's only good for an hour, and use it wisely.

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

I'll tell you who's having a terrible Mother's Day.

I'll tell you who's having a terrible Mother's Day.

-Chelsea Handler's kids. -[audience laughing]

-Chelsea Handler's kids. -[audience laughing]

Chelsea's had so many abortions,

Chelsea's had so many abortions,

she's killed more innocent Blacks than the LAPD.

she's killed more innocent Blacks than the LAPD.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Listen, I did not write these jokes.

Listen, I did not write these jokes.

Chelsea, you were really nice to me. I'm sorry.

Chelsea, you were really nice to me. I'm sorry.

In her defense, several of them were armed.

In her defense, several of them were armed.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

I should stop here. [laughs]

I should stop here. [laughs]

And no, no, go back. We're not done. [chuckles]

And no, no, go back. We're not done. [chuckles]

Not fucking done here.

Not fucking done here.

And no, I never have and never will smash Chelsea Handler.

And no, I never have and never will smash Chelsea Handler.

I'm Draymond Green. I don't hit threes.

I'm Draymond Green. I don't hit threes.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]

[chuckles] You might have seen that three-point shootout

[chuckles] You might have seen that three-point shootout

I did with Kevin. He was awful.

I did with Kevin. He was awful.

Kevin, you put up enough bricks to build your dad a new crack house.

Kevin, you put up enough bricks to build your dad a new crack house.

-[audience laughing, applauding] -[speaks indistinctly]

-[audience laughing, applauding] -[speaks indistinctly]

Just so Kevin didn't look terrible, they deliberately had me miss shots.

Just so Kevin didn't look terrible, they deliberately had me miss shots.

I'm like, "Sure, anyone can blow a shot, right, Kev?" [chuckles]

I'm like, "Sure, anyone can blow a shot, right, Kev?" [chuckles]

Like when you blew your shot at the Oscars.

Like when you blew your shot at the Oscars.

-Oh, you son of a bitch. -[audience laughing, applauding]

-Oh, you son of a bitch. -[audience laughing, applauding]

What the fuck is your issue, man?

What the fuck is your issue, man?

-[laughs] -[Draymond laughs]

-[laughs] -[Draymond laughs]

Kevin and I are boys. We play poker together. [chuckles]

Kevin and I are boys. We play poker together. [chuckles]

When we first started playing, he didn't know anything.

When we first started playing, he didn't know anything.

I had to explain.

I had to explain.

A straight flush is what you should have done

A straight flush is what you should have done

with that Get Hard script.

with that Get Hard script.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Draymond] You should have flushed that piece of shit.

[Draymond] You should have flushed that piece of shit.

[chuckles] Kevin is terrible at cards.

[chuckles] Kevin is terrible at cards.

He's gotten better, but he's still fucking terrible.

He's gotten better, but he's still fucking terrible.

He plays poker the way he makes all his movies, bet it all on a flop.

He plays poker the way he makes all his movies, bet it all on a flop.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

We always clean him out, because if you pay attention,

We always clean him out, because if you pay attention,

Kevin has a subtle tell.

Kevin has a subtle tell.

[imitates Kevin] "Oh, shit, pocket kings."

[imitates Kevin] "Oh, shit, pocket kings."

-"I'm gonna beat all you motherfuckers." -[audience laughing, applauding]

-"I'm gonna beat all you motherfuckers." -[audience laughing, applauding]

-"Dumb bitches, it's me, motherfuckers." -[laughs]

-"Dumb bitches, it's me, motherfuckers." -[laughs]

[chuckles] And you can always tell when Kevin's bluffing.

[chuckles] And you can always tell when Kevin's bluffing.

Like when he says how great the next special is gonna be.

Like when he says how great the next special is gonna be.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

It's the only time I can go to a theater,

It's the only time I can go to a theater,

and the people sitting behind me don't mind me blocking their view.

and the people sitting behind me don't mind me blocking their view.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

During Borderlands, I heard someone yell, "Up in front!"

During Borderlands, I heard someone yell, "Up in front!"

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

They didn't write a joke for Na'im.

They didn't write a joke for Na'im.

They didn't-- The writers didn't know who the fuck you were.

They didn't-- The writers didn't know who the fuck you were.

But I'm here for you, Kev, because we're family.

But I'm here for you, Kev, because we're family.

People don't know this, but my wife and your wife are cousins.

People don't know this, but my wife and your wife are cousins.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

If I could do that, I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

If I could do that, I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

-Thank y'all. -[speaks indistinctly]

-Thank y'all. -[speaks indistinctly]

[audience laughing, applauding, cheering]

[audience laughing, applauding, cheering]

Great job, Draymond.

Great job, Draymond.

Way to go, Draymond.

Way to go, Draymond.

Here we go now, Draymond.

Here we go now, Draymond.

-It's pretty good, fuck. All right. -[audience laughing, applauding]

-It's pretty good, fuck. All right. -[audience laughing, applauding]

Uh… [laughs] …next guy is, uh, Big Jay Oakerson.

Uh… [laughs] …next guy is, uh, Big Jay Oakerson.

-Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding]

A lot of people don't know this,

A lot of people don't know this,

but Big Jay actually got his start playing banjo

but Big Jay actually got his start playing banjo

with the other animatronic bears on Splash Mountain.

with the other animatronic bears on Splash Mountain.

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]

Jay and Kevin were once best friends.

Jay and Kevin were once best friends.

Jay, if it makes you feel any better, if Kevin didn't abandon you,

Jay, if it makes you feel any better, if Kevin didn't abandon you,

you would have just ended up like fucking Na'im Lynn.

you would have just ended up like fucking Na'im Lynn.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

All right, I thought that was pretty funny, okay.

All right, I thought that was pretty funny, okay.

Uh, for real, I do love you and I hope this goes well for you.

Uh, for real, I do love you and I hope this goes well for you.

You're the fucking man… [laughs] …make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson.

You're the fucking man… [laughs] …make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson.

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

Oh, thank you. What's up? Thank you, Roots.

Oh, thank you. What's up? Thank you, Roots.

Hear it for them. What, is this place falling the fuck asleep?

Hear it for them. What, is this place falling the fuck asleep?

Let's fucking go, everyone. What a crowd, goddamn.

Let's fucking go, everyone. What a crowd, goddamn.

T-Pain, fucking MGK, John fucking Stamos.

T-Pain, fucking MGK, John fucking Stamos.

-Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast? -[audience laughing]

-Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast? -[audience laughing]

He is? John Stamos is your friend.

He is? John Stamos is your friend.

-[Kevin] Yes. -There were no Black people on Full House.

-[Kevin] Yes. -There were no Black people on Full House.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Isn't Shane what we all thought Schwarzenegger and the maid's kid

Isn't Shane what we all thought Schwarzenegger and the maid's kid

-was gonna look like? -[audience laughing]

-was gonna look like? -[audience laughing]

A big lummoxed body with a Mexican lady mustache?

A big lummoxed body with a Mexican lady mustache?

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General is here, everybody.

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General is here, everybody.

-[audience applauding, cheering] -[speaks indistinctly]

-[audience applauding, cheering] -[speaks indistinctly]

Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile, God sure thought you were gonna be.

Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile, God sure thought you were gonna be.

Because why would he make your face look like a thumbprint cookie? You…

Because why would he make your face look like a thumbprint cookie? You…

Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

And I wrote that without even knowing how he was gonna dress tonight.

And I wrote that without even knowing how he was gonna dress tonight.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

The queen of roasting is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser,

The queen of roasting is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser,

of course, because it's Chelsea Handler's week with the substance.

of course, because it's Chelsea Handler's week with the substance.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

They each get one week, you can't cross over.

They each get one week, you can't cross over.

Handler, you old bag of Botox.

Handler, you old bag of Botox.

I feel like you're a girl that I would call by her last name

I feel like you're a girl that I would call by her last name

if I knew you better. "Handler."

if I knew you better. "Handler."

You know, Handler here famously had sex with 50 Cent

You know, Handler here famously had sex with 50 Cent

and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy.

and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy.

Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem with regular-sized dicks?

Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem with regular-sized dicks?

-[audience laughing] -Do you have to try them all out first?

-[audience laughing] -Do you have to try them all out first?

-Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex. -[chuckles]

-Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex. -[chuckles]

What do you guys think that smells like? I bet you got some ideas.

What do you guys think that smells like? I bet you got some ideas.

-I wrote a few down. -[audience laughing]

-I wrote a few down. -[audience laughing]

Lilac and corn chips. Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

Lilac and corn chips. Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

-Logan Berry and fired gun. -[audience laughing]

-Logan Berry and fired gun. -[audience laughing]

Old hands and new sneakers. You could play at home if you want.

Old hands and new sneakers. You could play at home if you want.

Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors. #50CentHandlerSmells.

Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors. #50CentHandlerSmells.

-[clicks tongue] -[audience laughing]

-[clicks tongue] -[audience laughing]

Sheryl Underwood is here.

Sheryl Underwood is here.

-Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend. -[audience applauding, cheering]

-Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend. -[audience applauding, cheering]

And a beautiful Black woman, with the word "Black" in bold italics.

And a beautiful Black woman, with the word "Black" in bold italics.

Sheryl Underwood is as Black as the road is black.

Sheryl Underwood is as Black as the road is black.

She looks like somebody made a genie wish for a puddle of mud to come to life.

She looks like somebody made a genie wish for a puddle of mud to come to life.

[chuckles] Sheryl Underwood is as Black as interstellar phenomenon.

[chuckles] Sheryl Underwood is as Black as interstellar phenomenon.

If she stood against a brick wall,

If she stood against a brick wall,

the roadrunner could run right through her.

the roadrunner could run right through her.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Sheryl Underwood is so Black, we had to bring on Draymond Green

Sheryl Underwood is so Black, we had to bring on Draymond Green

just to color-balance the fucking cameras.

just to color-balance the fucking cameras.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Sheryl speaks indistinctly]

[Sheryl speaks indistinctly]

We became friends earlier.

We became friends earlier.

My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here! Make some noise, God damn.

Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here! Make some noise, God damn.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

A lot of people might not remember, but Tony actually got cancelled one time

A lot of people might not remember, but Tony actually got cancelled one time

by his very own Asian opener for calling Tony a racist, yeah.

by his very own Asian opener for calling Tony a racist, yeah.

And then Tony hired a new Asian opener to prove that he wasn't a racist.

And then Tony hired a new Asian opener to prove that he wasn't a racist.

which I thought was the original Asian opener

which I thought was the original Asian opener

-because I'm a racist. -[audience laughing, applauding]

-because I'm a racist. -[audience laughing, applauding]

How about Tony's mouth, by the way? All the mouths over here.

How about Tony's mouth, by the way? All the mouths over here.

Pete Davidson's fucking mouth is crazy. I've known Pete since he was 17 years old.

Pete Davidson's fucking mouth is crazy. I've known Pete since he was 17 years old.

I always dreamed that one day his head and body would grow

I always dreamed that one day his head and body would grow

-into his teeth and dick. -[audience laughing, cheering]

-into his teeth and dick. -[audience laughing, cheering]

Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl, we don't need chairs up here.

Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl, we don't need chairs up here.

We need fucking stables.

We need fucking stables.

Thank God we kept them all over here before they buck Handler.

Thank God we kept them all over here before they buck Handler.

You know, Lizzo, how about that? How crazy is that?

You know, Lizzo, how about that? How crazy is that?

-Lizzo probably doesn't even know this. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Lizzo probably doesn't even know this. -[audience cheering, applauding]

She doesn't even know this, but we were in a movie together.

She doesn't even know this, but we were in a movie together.

We were in the movie Hustlers where I played a strip club DJ

We were in the movie Hustlers where I played a strip club DJ

and Lizzo very bravely portrayed a stripper, very bravely.

and Lizzo very bravely portrayed a stripper, very bravely.

In fact, it was so brave

In fact, it was so brave

that every time she'd come on set in her stripper outfit,

that every time she'd come on set in her stripper outfit,

I would get in trouble for starting slow claps.

I would get in trouble for starting slow claps.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

And finally, the reason that we're all here,

And finally, the reason that we're all here,

the one, the only, my boy Kevin Hart, everyone.

the one, the only, my boy Kevin Hart, everyone.

I've known Kevin for twenty-eight years now,

I've known Kevin for twenty-eight years now,

and it's a strange thing because I only actually knew him

and it's a strange thing because I only actually knew him

for the first five years, so I know pre-famous Kev.

for the first five years, so I know pre-famous Kev.

I don't know famous Kevin at all.

I don't know famous Kevin at all.

Famous Kevin is sitting on sixty-seven unanswered texts

Famous Kevin is sitting on sixty-seven unanswered texts

from me, up to and including, "Hey, Kev,

from me, up to and including, "Hey, Kev,

super psyched for the roast, thanks for including me."

super psyched for the roast, thanks for including me."

I don't know the guy farting out Fabletics ads

I don't know the guy farting out Fabletics ads

or staring down the dick hole

or staring down the dick hole

of General Insurance hype man Shaquille O'Neal or…

of General Insurance hype man Shaquille O'Neal or…

shoving your fucking dumb tequila down our throats.

shoving your fucking dumb tequila down our throats.

I know the person, Kevin Hart.

I know the person, Kevin Hart.

And I have a story I wanted to close on about Kev that means…

And I have a story I wanted to close on about Kev that means…

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

This is actually emotional, this is good.

This is actually emotional, this is good.

In 2012,

In 2012,

Hurricane Sandy devastated me. I lived in Long Island, New York.

Hurricane Sandy devastated me. I lived in Long Island, New York.

I lost-- The place I was living was all fucked up and my car.

I lost-- The place I was living was all fucked up and my car.

I had no money.

I had no money.

I was broke and with my wife and my daughter,

I was broke and with my wife and my daughter,

and just a humiliating time.

and just a humiliating time.

And as word started to spread that I got fucked up

And as word started to spread that I got fucked up

by this hurricane so bad, I started getting phone calls after years,

by this hurricane so bad, I started getting phone calls after years,

from Kev, and I kept seeing his number, and I wouldn't answer.

from Kev, and I kept seeing his number, and I wouldn't answer.

I was too full of ego and pride and like…

I was too full of ego and pride and like…

[Kevin laughs]

[Kevin laughs]

I was too embarrassed to take his calls.

I was too embarrassed to take his calls.

I knew he was going to try to come in and save the day and give me money

I knew he was going to try to come in and save the day and give me money

or something, and I was just, I didn't want to deal with it.

or something, and I was just, I didn't want to deal with it.

And then I got a phone call from our mentor.

And then I got a phone call from our mentor.

Me and Kev had the same mentor, who is an amazing guy.

Me and Kev had the same mentor, who is an amazing guy.

The guy who helped so many comics come up and probably the reason

The guy who helped so many comics come up and probably the reason

that me and you are even standing here today,

that me and you are even standing here today,

the guy who taught us everything, our mentor,

the guy who taught us everything, our mentor,

the late, great Keith Robinson.

the late, great Keith Robinson.

[Kevin laughs] No, he's still alive.

[Kevin laughs] No, he's still alive.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

[Kevin] He's still alive. He's still alive, man.

[Kevin] He's still alive. He's still alive, man.

[Jay] He's still alive?

[Jay] He's still alive?

-[Kevin] He's still alive, Jay. -Oh.

-[Kevin] He's still alive, Jay. -Oh.

He died to me after you got famous.

He died to me after you got famous.

-[audience laughs] -Hey, Keith.

-[audience laughs] -Hey, Keith.

Well…

Well…

Well, anyway, Keith called me.

Well, anyway, Keith called me.

And I answered the phone for Keith.

And I answered the phone for Keith.

And Keith, in his old seventies pimp voice said, he goes, "Hey."

And Keith, in his old seventies pimp voice said, he goes, "Hey."

"Answer the phone for Kev. He's trying to call you."

"Answer the phone for Kev. He's trying to call you."

"He wants to help you out."

"He wants to help you out."

And I said, "No, I'm not answering the phone."

And I said, "No, I'm not answering the phone."

"I know he's trying to give me money."

"I know he's trying to give me money."

"It's going to make me feel uncomfortable."

"It's going to make me feel uncomfortable."

"I'm embarrassed. I can't do it."

"I'm embarrassed. I can't do it."

And then Keith told me, he goes, "Come on, man, stop."

And then Keith told me, he goes, "Come on, man, stop."

He's trying to give you ten thousand dollars.

He's trying to give you ten thousand dollars.

And that, like, at the time, that was a gazillion dollars to me.

And that, like, at the time, that was a gazillion dollars to me.

It was everything.

It was everything.

And I said, "No, I can't take it. It's too much."

And I said, "No, I can't take it. It's too much."

"I can't pay it back."

"I can't pay it back."

And he said, "He's not trying to get you to pay it back,

And he said, "He's not trying to get you to pay it back,

he wants to give it to you." And I said, "No, I can't do it."

he wants to give it to you." And I said, "No, I can't do it."

"It's insane, it's too much money."

"It's insane, it's too much money."

And then Keith, in his wise words, said to me, "It's insultingly low."

And then Keith, in his wise words, said to me, "It's insultingly low."

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

And in hindsight, he's right. Ten thousand--

And in hindsight, he's right. Ten thousand--

He'd already done Ride Along, five, six movies, easy already.

He'd already done Ride Along, five, six movies, easy already.

But whether it was low or not, what it did was, Kev,

But whether it was low or not, what it did was, Kev,

it got me back on my feet enough that I was able

it got me back on my feet enough that I was able

to get my wife and daughter back into our apartment.

to get my wife and daughter back into our apartment.

And then I was able to take the rest of that money,

And then I was able to take the rest of that money,

and in true Kevin Hart fashion,

and in true Kevin Hart fashion,

immediately leave my first family.

immediately leave my first family.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

So thank you, Kev, for sending me on my way, my man.

So thank you, Kev, for sending me on my way, my man.

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for having me.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

Keep it going for Jay.

Keep it going for Jay.

We asked Teyana Taylor to be here at the roast tonight,

We asked Teyana Taylor to be here at the roast tonight,

but she sent a letter explaining why she couldn't be here.

but she sent a letter explaining why she couldn't be here.

Now to read that letter, please welcome Teyana Taylor, everybody.

Now to read that letter, please welcome Teyana Taylor, everybody.

-[cheering and applause] -[upbeat music playing]

-[cheering and applause] -[upbeat music playing]

[music concludes]

[music concludes]

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

[audience continues cheering]

[audience continues cheering]

Dear Kevin, first of all, what's up, bitch?

Dear Kevin, first of all, what's up, bitch?

Two plus two not knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

Two plus two not knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

Built like you asked for one adult ticket with confidence, bitch.

Built like you asked for one adult ticket with confidence, bitch.

-[audience chuckling] -How you doing?

-[audience chuckling] -How you doing?

Kevin, I'm writing you this letter from my kitchen

Kevin, I'm writing you this letter from my kitchen

because one of your movies is playing in my living room right now,

because one of your movies is playing in my living room right now,

and my five-year-old yelled out that you was built like you came

and my five-year-old yelled out that you was built like you came

with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

My ten-year-old asked, "Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three

My ten-year-old asked, "Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three

and I'm four-ten, how am I still taller than him?"

and I'm four-ten, how am I still taller than him?"

-And… -[audience cheering]

-And… -[audience cheering]

And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that. Just couldn't answer that.

And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that. Just couldn't answer that.

Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight

Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight

because I didn't want to show off the--

because I didn't want to show off the--

you know, I didn't want to throw off the balance of the dais

you know, I didn't want to throw off the balance of the dais

by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman of the Year, Golden Globe winner,

by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman of the Year, Golden Globe winner,

-you know, to the lineup. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-you know, to the lineup. -[audience cheering, applauding]

That just… That just wouldn't be fair to anybody, especially you.

That just… That just wouldn't be fair to anybody, especially you.

See, I feel like roasting you is kind of beneath me, you know?

See, I feel like roasting you is kind of beneath me, you know?

I know it's kind of like a foreign thing, a foreign concept,

I know it's kind of like a foreign thing, a foreign concept,

because it's literally nothing that is beneath you, but still.

because it's literally nothing that is beneath you, but still.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

I would never say something so hateful

I would never say something so hateful

like "I starred in One Battle After Another

like "I starred in One Battle After Another

while Kevin's career has been one bomb after another."

while Kevin's career has been one bomb after another."

I mean, that would just be so cruel, you know?

I mean, that would just be so cruel, you know?

I would never do that, Kev. That's Rotten Tomatoes' job, but unlike…

I would never do that, Kev. That's Rotten Tomatoes' job, but unlike…

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

But unlike those very fair and balanced critics,

But unlike those very fair and balanced critics,

I actually respect you a little bit.

I actually respect you a little bit.

That's why I asked you to present me with my award

That's why I asked you to present me with my award

at Elle Woman in Hollywood.

at Elle Woman in Hollywood.

But you was fake busy, talking about some, "I tried,

But you was fake busy, talking about some, "I tried,

I tried, Jumanji doing reshoots, head ass…" Shut up!

I tried, Jumanji doing reshoots, head ass…" Shut up!

The fuck? So with that being said, why would I come to your shit?

The fuck? So with that being said, why would I come to your shit?

Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

Which honestly isn't really hard around you.

Which honestly isn't really hard around you.

But most importantly,

But most importantly,

Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money to write this letter.

Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money to write this letter.

Ain't this a bitch?

Ain't this a bitch?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Be my fucking friend and be here.

Be my fucking friend and be here.

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here and this letter. I'm here. I'm here, here.

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here and this letter. I'm here. I'm here, here.

Because I damn sure wasn't doing this shit for free.

Because I damn sure wasn't doing this shit for free.

I ain't going to hold you, Kev.

I ain't going to hold you, Kev.

But for the right price, here I am with this heartfelt letter.

But for the right price, here I am with this heartfelt letter.

Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss. Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit.

Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss. Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit.

Um, you know what's so crazy?

Um, you know what's so crazy?

I remember when we first met, about 15 years ago,

I remember when we first met, about 15 years ago,

-at a Halloween party. -[Kevin] Yeah.

-at a Halloween party. -[Kevin] Yeah.

I was dressed as white boy Bob from Marketing,

I was dressed as white boy Bob from Marketing,

and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy. Here's a photo.

and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy. Here's a photo.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

[Kevin] Yeah. It's a good time. We had a good time, T.

[Kevin] Yeah. It's a good time. We had a good time, T.

We had a good time this night, T.

We had a good time this night, T.

I remember this night. We had a good fucking time.

I remember this night. We had a good fucking time.

Tell the people that we had a good fucking time.

Tell the people that we had a good fucking time.

Tell them that we had a good fucking time, T.

Tell them that we had a good fucking time, T.

I got you. I got you.

I got you. I got you.

Man, we had a great time. You know, look at us.

Man, we had a great time. You know, look at us.

Just young and, you know, like,

Just young and, you know, like,

it was really a time-- especially at a time where,

it was really a time-- especially at a time where,

like, everybody wanted to wear the sexy costumes.

like, everybody wanted to wear the sexy costumes.

Them bitches was kittens and shit.

Them bitches was kittens and shit.

You know, and then here our dumbasses just looking

You know, and then here our dumbasses just looking

like Thomas Jefferson and one of his unclaimed Black kids.

like Thomas Jefferson and one of his unclaimed Black kids.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah. I ain't gonna front. We both got some audacity in that picture.

Yeah. I ain't gonna front. We both got some audacity in that picture.

But, Kevin, you…

But, Kevin, you…

dressed up as an iconic, funny comedian is unbelievable

dressed up as an iconic, funny comedian is unbelievable

and is disrespectful and is inappropriate. Don't ever do that shit again.

and is disrespectful and is inappropriate. Don't ever do that shit again.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

But in all seriousness, bro, no, real shit.

But in all seriousness, bro, no, real shit.

Bro, this is the serious part. I'm so serious.

Bro, this is the serious part. I'm so serious.

I really, truly love you. You are a fucking little icon.

I really, truly love you. You are a fucking little icon.

-And like… -[audience cheering, applauding]

-And like… -[audience cheering, applauding]

No, I really do. Like, you're a fucking legend,

No, I really do. Like, you're a fucking legend,

and I mean that from the bottom of my heart,

and I mean that from the bottom of my heart,

which thankfully for you is still above your head.

which thankfully for you is still above your head.

-I'm sorry. -You just said you was done.

-I'm sorry. -You just said you was done.

You said you were done. Be fucking sweet. Come on.

You said you were done. Be fucking sweet. Come on.

Be nice to me. Come on. Fucking, we're friends.

Be nice to me. Come on. Fucking, we're friends.

-We're real friends. Be my fucking friend. -My feelings is hurt.

-We're real friends. Be my fucking friend. -My feelings is hurt.

-My letter's over. -[Kevin] Okay. Oh, no.

-My letter's over. -[Kevin] Okay. Oh, no.

-Sincerely yours, T. -[Kevin] Oh, no, Teyana.

-Sincerely yours, T. -[Kevin] Oh, no, Teyana.

No, Teyana, don't storm off. Teyana, don't storm off.

No, Teyana, don't storm off. Teyana, don't storm off.

-Fuck. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Fuck. -[audience cheering, applauding]

[Kevin] Make the people give some love.

[Kevin] Make the people give some love.

Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody.

Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody.

-[Kevin] Thank you, Shane. -Man.

-[Kevin] Thank you, Shane. -Man.

Thank God she's good looking, cuz boy, is that bitch not funny at all.

Thank God she's good looking, cuz boy, is that bitch not funny at all.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Also, Pete, Pete.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Also, Pete, Pete.

Pete, you're the only one that can do it. Do it, brother.

Pete, you're the only one that can do it. Do it, brother.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Just don't let her read a letter again ever. Uh…

Just don't let her read a letter again ever. Uh…

Hopefully she gets mad at me and talks to me later. [laughs]

Hopefully she gets mad at me and talks to me later. [laughs]

-Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Tony reminds me of a prince who studies gladiators.

Tony reminds me of a prince who studies gladiators.

Look at the physique. Fuck yeah.

Look at the physique. Fuck yeah.

I'm so fucking entertained right now. Fuck yeah.

I'm so fucking entertained right now. Fuck yeah.

[laughs] I thought it was funny, dude.

[laughs] I thought it was funny, dude.

All right, get ready to hear some real racist jokes

All right, get ready to hear some real racist jokes

from a guy who truly believes them and hopes JD Vance is watching.

from a guy who truly believes them and hopes JD Vance is watching.

Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe. Make some noise for Tony.

Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe. Make some noise for Tony.

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

Hell yeah. One more time for Teyana Taylor, everybody.

Hell yeah. One more time for Teyana Taylor, everybody.

That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto,

That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto,

I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp at one point during her set.

I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp at one point during her set.

Are you still watching? One more time for Shane Gillis.

Are you still watching? One more time for Shane Gillis.

He looks like the type of slave owner that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart.

He looks like the type of slave owner that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart.

-Uh, so, uh, he'll get bigger, right? Uh… -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Uh, so, uh, he'll get bigger, right? Uh… -[audience cheering, applauding]

If Kevin was a slave, his song would be, "Let My People Grow."

If Kevin was a slave, his song would be, "Let My People Grow."

This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying to fill Tom Brady's shoes.

This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying to fill Tom Brady's shoes.

A lot of extra space.

A lot of extra space.

That's like Pete Davidson's dick trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

That's like Pete Davidson's dick trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

Indeed, the closest Pete has come

Indeed, the closest Pete has come

to greatness is when his dick rubbed up

to greatness is when his dick rubbed up

against some of Kanye's old cum.

against some of Kanye's old cum.

Nobody can name a joke or a sketch you've ever done, Pete.

Nobody can name a joke or a sketch you've ever done, Pete.

If your father could see how you turned out,

If your father could see how you turned out,

he'd be rolling in his rubble.

he'd be rolling in his rubble.

Regina Hall is here. She was in a hit movie,

Regina Hall is here. She was in a hit movie,

One Battle After Another, which is how Lizzo describes stairs.

One Battle After Another, which is how Lizzo describes stairs.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah.

We knew Chelsea Handler would be available today

We knew Chelsea Handler would be available today

-because it's Mother's Day. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-because it's Mother's Day. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Chelsea is a Jew, that's why she's here. That's also the best thing about her.

Chelsea is a Jew, that's why she's here. That's also the best thing about her.

She once dated 50 Cent,

She once dated 50 Cent,

not the first time a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

not the first time a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

Chelsea, why so serious?

Chelsea, why so serious?

[chuckles] She looks like the fucking Joker, people.

[chuckles] She looks like the fucking Joker, people.

She's aging like a vegetable in Lizzo's fridge.

She's aging like a vegetable in Lizzo's fridge.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah, and she fucking sucks, and always has, by the way.

Yeah, and she fucking sucks, and always has, by the way.

Her whole act is just talking about how it's stupid to have kids.

Her whole act is just talking about how it's stupid to have kids.

We get it, your ovaries are busted.

We get it, your ovaries are busted.

That's like if Kevin's whole act was about how roller coasters

That's like if Kevin's whole act was about how roller coasters

-aren't that cool anyway. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-aren't that cool anyway. -[audience cheering, applauding]

But seriously, Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen,

But seriously, Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen,

not on purpose, they're just inside of a cold, frigid bitch.

not on purpose, they're just inside of a cold, frigid bitch.

Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock, who even is this bitch?

Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock, who even is this bitch?

You look like a grape Laffy Taffy that went through the dryer.

You look like a grape Laffy Taffy that went through the dryer.

How have you been sitting next to me and playing drums the whole night?

How have you been sitting next to me and playing drums the whole night?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

That hair, the purple, you look like your own pussy.

That hair, the purple, you look like your own pussy.

She was on a show called The Talk for 13 years.

She was on a show called The Talk for 13 years.

If you never saw it, here's what you missed.

If you never saw it, here's what you missed.

"No, no, no, hold up, let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk."

"No, no, no, hold up, let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk."

Her husband committed suicide three years into their marriage.

Her husband committed suicide three years into their marriage.

I've been sitting next to her for two hours and I have to ask,

I've been sitting next to her for two hours and I have to ask,

how did he last that long?

how did he last that long?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Draymond Green is a naughty guy. He has paid four million dollars in fines.

Draymond Green is a naughty guy. He has paid four million dollars in fines.

Did you name your daughter Cash because you plan on losing her anyway?

Did you name your daughter Cash because you plan on losing her anyway?

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[chuckles] Cash, amazing.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[chuckles] Cash, amazing.

She won't even have to change her name when she gets hired at the strip club.

She won't even have to change her name when she gets hired at the strip club.

Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost of strawberry cheesecake.

Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost of strawberry cheesecake.

-[laughs] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[laughs] -[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jeff Ross beat cancer this year.

Jeff Ross beat cancer this year.

-My good friend beat cancer. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-My good friend beat cancer. -[audience cheering, applauding]

But you know cancer is out there.

But you know cancer is out there.

Cancer's out there somewhere talking to its friends like,

Cancer's out there somewhere talking to its friends like,

-"You gotta see the other guy." -[audience cheering, applauding]

-"You gotta see the other guy." -[audience cheering, applauding]

Jeff is so Jewish that when the hospital gave him his bill,

Jeff is so Jewish that when the hospital gave him his bill,

he's like, "Can you put some of the cancer back in?"

he's like, "Can you put some of the cancer back in?"

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[laughs]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[laughs]

Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen, he was born nine months

Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen, he was born nine months

after his father spit a watermelon seed into his mother's vagina.

after his father spit a watermelon seed into his mother's vagina.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

Yep, I did that.

Yep, I did that.

And then he was born, nine pounds, seven ounces,

And then he was born, nine pounds, seven ounces,

and he remains the same today.

and he remains the same today.

Kevin is so small, people call him the lowercase N-word.

Kevin is so small, people call him the lowercase N-word.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

He was raised by a single mother and a stepladder.

He was raised by a single mother and a stepladder.

Because of Kevin's awful childhood and feelings of inadequacy,

Because of Kevin's awful childhood and feelings of inadequacy,

he became a workaholic to distract himself from the grief of who he is on the inside.

he became a workaholic to distract himself from the grief of who he is on the inside.

And to make matters worse, his inner child is taller than him.

And to make matters worse, his inner child is taller than him.

But look at him now. Oh, you're not wearing a chain.

But look at him now. Oh, you're not wearing a chain.

I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin.

I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin.

It would make a great bracelet for a normal-sized black man.

It would make a great bracelet for a normal-sized black man.

But you didn't wear the normal chain

But you didn't wear the normal chain

that you wear to overcompensate for how small you are.

that you wear to overcompensate for how small you are.

Kevin has so few Black friends

Kevin has so few Black friends

that he started a vegan fast-food chain and nobody stopped him.

that he started a vegan fast-food chain and nobody stopped him.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[laughs]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[laughs]

His vegan restaurant is like his movies,

His vegan restaurant is like his movies,

because you don't have to go to know it fucking sucks.

because you don't have to go to know it fucking sucks.

Kevin, in a town full of successful pedophiles,

Kevin, in a town full of successful pedophiles,

it's great to know that you are not one, but in fairness, if you ever tried,

it's great to know that you are not one, but in fairness, if you ever tried,

any fuckable ten-year-old would beat the living shit out of you.

any fuckable ten-year-old would beat the living shit out of you.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -His audience is so ghetto

-[audience cheering, applauding] -His audience is so ghetto

that his merch table has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk's.

that his merch table has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk's.

[audience groans]

[audience groans]

Kevin, if you're here, who's holding P Diddy's pocket in jail?

Kevin, if you're here, who's holding P Diddy's pocket in jail?

Kevin has been so far up The Rock's ass

Kevin has been so far up The Rock's ass

that he can actually smell what he's been cooking.

that he can actually smell what he's been cooking.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Kevin-- The Rock played Black Adam. Kevin is the size of a Black atom.

Kevin-- The Rock played Black Adam. Kevin is the size of a Black atom.

He's won two Grammys,

He's won two Grammys,

at least that's what the scale says when he stands on it.

at least that's what the scale says when he stands on it.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Two Grammys.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -Two Grammys.

Lizzo has ate… everything that's ever been put in front of her.

Lizzo has ate… everything that's ever been put in front of her.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

But Lizzo, you look great. You really do.

But Lizzo, you look great. You really do.

People describing you no longer have to say the word "really"

People describing you no longer have to say the word "really"

before saying the word "fat."

before saying the word "fat."

[chuckles] She loves flutin' as much as she loves gluten.

[chuckles] She loves flutin' as much as she loves gluten.

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

You know, Kevin, they told me not to mention your kids on this roast,

You know, Kevin, they told me not to mention your kids on this roast,

but I must say, you did good.

but I must say, you did good.

They've gotten so big, they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

They've gotten so big, they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

It's true, he lost his gig hosting the Academy Awards

It's true, he lost his gig hosting the Academy Awards

because of some homophobic tweets, but you'd be homophobic too

because of some homophobic tweets, but you'd be homophobic too

if you were eye level with everyone's cock.

if you were eye level with everyone's cock.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

He got into a fist fight on a private plane,

He got into a fist fight on a private plane,

proof that no matter how much money Black people have,

proof that no matter how much money Black people have,

they're still just gonna act like ninjas is fighting.

they're still just gonna act like ninjas is fighting.

-[laughs] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[laughs] -[audience cheering, applauding]

Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian from Philadelphia.

Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian from Philadelphia.

And like Bill Cosby, women don't know when Kevin is inside of them.

And like Bill Cosby, women don't know when Kevin is inside of them.

You've done good, though, Kevin. The Black community is so proud of you.

You've done good, though, Kevin. The Black community is so proud of you.

Right now, George Floyd is looking up at us all,

Right now, George Floyd is looking up at us all,

-laughing so hard that he can't breathe. -[audience groans]

-laughing so hard that he can't breathe. -[audience groans]

God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room.

God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room.

And God bless the United States of America.

And God bless the United States of America.

-Thank you so much. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Thank you so much. -[audience cheering, applauding]

[Shane] Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

[Shane] Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail and he just fucking killed.

Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail and he just fucking killed.

-Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Sheryl got a standing ovation once on Def Jam.

Sheryl got a standing ovation once on Def Jam.

Now she's deaf, eats jam, and has trouble standing.

Now she's deaf, eats jam, and has trouble standing.

Sheryl was in the Air Force, but she couldn't fly.

Sheryl was in the Air Force, but she couldn't fly.

And neither could her husband, who jumped off… [chuckles]

And neither could her husband, who jumped off… [chuckles]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

…who jumped off a building, and he died from that. [chuckles]

…who jumped off a building, and he died from that. [chuckles]

I swear to God, I called her before this to ask if that was okay.

I swear to God, I called her before this to ask if that was okay.

I would have never done that.

I would have never done that.

But now she's a Christian comic, so this should fucking suck. Uh…

But now she's a Christian comic, so this should fucking suck. Uh…

No, she's the best. Make some noise, Sheryl Underwood, everybody.

No, she's the best. Make some noise, Sheryl Underwood, everybody.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing]

[music concludes]

[music concludes]

First of all…

First of all…

Tony, you think you hurt my feelings by talking about my dead husband?

Tony, you think you hurt my feelings by talking about my dead husband?

My husband only died once.

My husband only died once.

You die every night with them whack-ass jokes you be telling.

You die every night with them whack-ass jokes you be telling.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

I love the fact that you white boy comics want to say

I love the fact that you white boy comics want to say

all the words that Black comics get canceled for saying.

all the words that Black comics get canceled for saying.

And I'm glad that y'all brought back words like "midget" and "retard."

And I'm glad that y'all brought back words like "midget" and "retard."

No, Kevin, I'm not talking about you when I say "midget."

No, Kevin, I'm not talking about you when I say "midget."

But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you when I say "retard."

But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you when I say "retard."

[audience laughs, applauds]

[audience laughs, applauds]

Now, I know it's some shit in that motherfucking teleprompter,

Now, I know it's some shit in that motherfucking teleprompter,

but I'm glad that, Shane, your motherfucking ass,

but I'm glad that, Shane, your motherfucking ass,

stopped that wigger.

stopped that wigger.

'Cause had you said anything that sound bigger, trigger,

'Cause had you said anything that sound bigger, trigger,

or anything that sound like nigga,

or anything that sound like nigga,

you wouldn't have made it out of motherfucking Inglewood alive.

you wouldn't have made it out of motherfucking Inglewood alive.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

You don't know where the fuck you are.

You don't know where the fuck you are.

You will respect us in this house.

You will respect us in this house.

This is the fucking forum built by the Showtime Lakers.

This is the fucking forum built by the Showtime Lakers.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart

And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart

for bringing us all together.

for bringing us all together.

Freedom of speech is alive today.

Freedom of speech is alive today.

It shows that we can all come together and crack jokes on each other

It shows that we can all come together and crack jokes on each other

and still respect each other.

and still respect each other.

-And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this. [cheering and applause]

-And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this. [cheering and applause]

My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house.

My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house.

And yeah, y'all brought up when I was on The Talk.

And yeah, y'all brought up when I was on The Talk.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

And when I was on The Talk, I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

And when I was on The Talk, I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

Before he married that girl,

Before he married that girl,

I put my tongue all the way down his esophagus.

I put my tongue all the way down his esophagus.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I can't say what he said after that.

I can't say what he said after that.

All I can say, he married a young bitch and took her to Disneyland.

All I can say, he married a young bitch and took her to Disneyland.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Shane, you may talk some shit about me, but I know your kind.

Shane, you may talk some shit about me, but I know your kind.

You want to hit this Black pussy

You want to hit this Black pussy

harder than you hit the windows of the Capitol on January 6th.

harder than you hit the windows of the Capitol on January 6th.

[audience laughing, cheering]

[audience laughing, cheering]

[Sheryl] You know who the fuck you talking to?

[Sheryl] You know who the fuck you talking to?

-I know you want to fuck me. -[audience laughing]

-I know you want to fuck me. -[audience laughing]

'Cause you're tired of fucking your sister.

'Cause you're tired of fucking your sister.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

So, you want to fuck a real sister.

So, you want to fuck a real sister.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

All this Black pussy in here.

All this Black pussy in here.

Shane dick getting harder and harder.

Shane dick getting harder and harder.

-I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo… -[audience laughing]

-I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo… -[audience laughing]

-…and lose. -[audience laughing]

-…and lose. -[audience laughing]

But none of us are gonna fuck your pasty white-boy ass.

But none of us are gonna fuck your pasty white-boy ass.

Well, maybe… maybe I will, okay? [chuckles]

Well, maybe… maybe I will, okay? [chuckles]

I'm on a tour called "I Need a Job Tour," so, come on, motherfucker, let's go.

I'm on a tour called "I Need a Job Tour," so, come on, motherfucker, let's go.

Big Jay.

Big Jay.

Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me. You sexy, you get that pussy.

Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me. You sexy, you get that pussy.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

-Over there looking like Guy Fieri. -[audience laughing]

-Over there looking like Guy Fieri. -[audience laughing]

You know we like diners, drive-ins, and dicks, so, let's go, motherfucker.

You know we like diners, drive-ins, and dicks, so, let's go, motherfucker.

You not just a snack, you a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

You not just a snack, you a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

Got that big football player body, and I know football players.

Got that big football player body, and I know football players.

-I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles. -[audience laughing]

-I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles. -[audience laughing]

The offensive line, the defensive line, the offensive coordinator,

The offensive line, the defensive line, the offensive coordinator,

defensive coordinator, coaching staff,

defensive coordinator, coaching staff,

team doctor, the dudes selling the hot dogs,

team doctor, the dudes selling the hot dogs,

the motherfucker that wrote "Fly Eagle Fly."

the motherfucker that wrote "Fly Eagle Fly."

I fucked him too.

I fucked him too.

-That was one hell of a party. -[audience laughing]

-That was one hell of a party. -[audience laughing]

So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully.

So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully.

[audience booing]

[audience booing]

Well, come on over here and beat this pussy up then.

Well, come on over here and beat this pussy up then.

-Come on, let's go. -[audience laughing]

-Come on, let's go. -[audience laughing]

Keep rolling your teleprompter.

Keep rolling your teleprompter.

I would fuck you Draymond, but I'm afraid of heights.

I would fuck you Draymond, but I'm afraid of heights.

I'm only 5'2.

I'm only 5'2.

but I'm still two inches taller than Kevin Hart,

but I'm still two inches taller than Kevin Hart,

you mighty mouse motherfucker. They wrote that, they wrote that.

you mighty mouse motherfucker. They wrote that, they wrote that.

The white people wrote it. The white people…

The white people wrote it. The white people…

-The white people… I didn't… -The fuck is that?

-The white people… I didn't… -The fuck is that?

I'm just saying it to get the check, motherfucker, goddamn.

I'm just saying it to get the check, motherfucker, goddamn.

-[audience laughing] -Pete Davison, I just wanna know,

-[audience laughing] -Pete Davison, I just wanna know,

what is in your dick that's driving these bitches crazy?

what is in your dick that's driving these bitches crazy?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

And whatever it is,

And whatever it is,

can you put it in Chelsea Handler so she can stop fucking Black men?

can you put it in Chelsea Handler so she can stop fucking Black men?

-[audience laughing] -[Sheryl] I'm sorry, Chelsea,

-[audience laughing] -[Sheryl] I'm sorry, Chelsea,

I had to say that one. They paid me, they paid me.

I had to say that one. They paid me, they paid me.

Question for the dais,

Question for the dais,

who has had more Black dick in this town, me or Chelsea Handler?

who has had more Black dick in this town, me or Chelsea Handler?

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe.

The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Sheryl] And for all of you who were thinking that,

[Sheryl] And for all of you who were thinking that,

-you've won a brand new car. -[audience laughing]

-you've won a brand new car. -[audience laughing]

Now let's talk about Kevin.

Now let's talk about Kevin.

No, no, no, I gotta do it. For the check, Ted told me.

No, no, no, I gotta do it. For the check, Ted told me.

Ted at the luncheon said,

Ted at the luncheon said,

"Bitch, say this shit or you're not getting paid."

"Bitch, say this shit or you're not getting paid."

I gotta do what Ted said.

I gotta do what Ted said.

I gotta do what I got to say, okay.

I gotta do what I got to say, okay.

I wasn't going to say this shit,

I wasn't going to say this shit,

but Kevin and I hooked up once before he got married.

but Kevin and I hooked up once before he got married.

-[Kevin laughing] -[audience laughing]

-[Kevin laughing] -[audience laughing]

Before he got married.

Before he got married.

He got stuck in my pussy.

He got stuck in my pussy.

I tied a rope around his neck and pulled him out like a tampon.

I tied a rope around his neck and pulled him out like a tampon.

-Hold on. [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-Hold on. [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

That's not in the prompter. I'm sorry. [chuckles]

That's not in the prompter. I'm sorry. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Kevin Hart is packing.

Kevin Hart is packing.

Kevin Hart is packing. He's packing ten inches in his pants.

Kevin Hart is packing. He's packing ten inches in his pants.

They're his legs, but it's still ten inches. [laughs]

They're his legs, but it's still ten inches. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Fucking Kevin was a lot like watching his movies.

Fucking Kevin was a lot like watching his movies.

-The first five minutes are okay… -[Kevin laughing]

-The first five minutes are okay… -[Kevin laughing]

…then you're just waiting for it to be over.

…then you're just waiting for it to be over.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Sheryl] I don't know, it could get rogue.

[Sheryl] I don't know, it could get rogue.

[laughs] You gotta say it.

[laughs] You gotta say it.

-You gotta say it. -[Sheryl] Okay, ready?

-You gotta say it. -[Sheryl] Okay, ready?

-Ready? [chuckles] -You gotta say it.

-Ready? [chuckles] -You gotta say it.

You think he's loud in his movies?

You think he's loud in his movies?

-When we were fucking… [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-When we were fucking… [chuckles] -[audience laughing]

…he was hollering and screaming and shaking.

…he was hollering and screaming and shaking.

I said, "Will you shut the fuck up…

I said, "Will you shut the fuck up…

before somebody think I'm watching one of your movies?"

before somebody think I'm watching one of your movies?"

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

-[Kevin] Yes, Sheryl! -All right.

-[Kevin] Yes, Sheryl! -All right.

So, I want to say this with all the love.

So, I want to say this with all the love.

You have done what we asked you to do in the culture.

You have done what we asked you to do in the culture.

You've represented us well.

You've represented us well.

You've been a great businessman and a great performer.

You've been a great businessman and a great performer.

Today, we are proud to stand here to roast,

Today, we are proud to stand here to roast,

'cause we only roast who we love, and we truly love you.

'cause we only roast who we love, and we truly love you.

-[Kevin] Fuckin' Sheryl. -Good night.

-[Kevin] Fuckin' Sheryl. -Good night.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

-[Shane] Sheryl Underwood! -[cheering and applause]

-[Shane] Sheryl Underwood! -[cheering and applause]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This motherfucker hugs me and go, "Can I still get that pussy though?"

This motherfucker hugs me and go, "Can I still get that pussy though?"

-[laughs] -[laughs]

-[laughs] -[laughs]

-Keep it going for Bernie Smack. -[audience laughing]

-Keep it going for Bernie Smack. -[audience laughing]

[Shane] Just thought of that one, let's go.

[Shane] Just thought of that one, let's go.

Uh… [laughs]

Uh… [laughs]

But, yeah, that was honestly… That was incredible.

But, yeah, that was honestly… That was incredible.

This is… Now, yeah. It feels good now. Now…

This is… Now, yeah. It feels good now. Now…

Earlier I was like, this isn't as good as the Tom Brady roast.

Earlier I was like, this isn't as good as the Tom Brady roast.

-Now it feels pretty good. -[audience laughing]

-Now it feels pretty good. -[audience laughing]

Regina Hall is here, everybody. Make some noise.

Regina Hall is here, everybody. Make some noise.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

They added her last minute, so I don't really have anything for her,

They added her last minute, so I don't really have anything for her,

but here's a joke we couldn't do for Sheryl.

but here's a joke we couldn't do for Sheryl.

It's something about Aunt Jemima. [chuckles] I don't know, it got cut.

It's something about Aunt Jemima. [chuckles] I don't know, it got cut.

It was clever, you would've loved it.

It was clever, you would've loved it.

Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody. Make some noise.

Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody. Make some noise.

-[upbeat music playing] -[cheering and applause]

-[upbeat music playing] -[cheering and applause]

Wow.

Wow.

[cheering, applause]

[cheering, applause]

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you, Kevin.

It's very nice to be here.

It's very nice to be here.

It's been tough, you know, I mean, having to sit here and watch you,

It's been tough, you know, I mean, having to sit here and watch you,

and you haven't been able to talk back.

and you haven't been able to talk back.

Anyone who knows me knows I've known Kevin for twenty years.

Anyone who knows me knows I've known Kevin for twenty years.

I've been to all of his shows.

I've been to all of his shows.

Well, not all of them.

Well, not all of them.

I've seen his movies, and despite that, I am still here tonight.

I've seen his movies, and despite that, I am still here tonight.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

No, seriously, Kevin,

No, seriously, Kevin,

I've been listening to all of these people,

I've been listening to all of these people,

and I don't think you deserved any of those insults.

and I don't think you deserved any of those insults.

I-- I'm here actually as a true friend.

I-- I'm here actually as a true friend.

So I thought I would share something, this is honest, sacred,

So I thought I would share something, this is honest, sacred,

that only you and I know, Kevin.

that only you and I know, Kevin.

Now, Kevin and I go-- we go back, as I said,

Now, Kevin and I go-- we go back, as I said,

and there's one special thing that only Kevin and I know about.

and there's one special thing that only Kevin and I know about.

Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy, God rest her soul,

Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy, God rest her soul,

she communicates with me sometimes.

she communicates with me sometimes.

No, this is actually the truth.

No, this is actually the truth.

Many, many, many, many years ago,

Many, many, many, many years ago,

do you remember when I called and I told you

do you remember when I called and I told you

that she said don't go to Vegas?

that she said don't go to Vegas?

She said, "Kevin, don't go in there and accidentally fuck that girl."

She said, "Kevin, don't go in there and accidentally fuck that girl."

She said… She said…

She said… She said…

No, she said, "Kevin, go to 1515,"

No, she said, "Kevin, go to 1515,"

but I wrote it down wrong. Do you remember?

but I wrote it down wrong. Do you remember?

Because I had been drinking that night.

Because I had been drinking that night.

She knew there was a camera in that room,

She knew there was a camera in that room,

Kevin, and she tried.

Kevin, and she tried.

So I want to say I'm sorry, Kevin, because that was on me.

So I want to say I'm sorry, Kevin, because that was on me.

That was my bad, but tonight, Kevin, I got it.

That was my bad, but tonight, Kevin, I got it.

I'm not gonna mess up.

I'm not gonna mess up.

I'm sober.

I'm sober.

Okay, so I wrote down some other things that your mother,

Okay, so I wrote down some other things that your mother,

that she's expressed, and I'd like to read them tonight.

that she's expressed, and I'd like to read them tonight.

These I got right.

These I got right.

"Kevin, I love you, and I'm so proud of you."

"Kevin, I love you, and I'm so proud of you."

"You won best picture of the year."

"You won best picture of the year."

Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me.

Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Because you didn't win, Kevin.

Because you didn't win, Kevin.

But thank you, Miss Nancy.

But thank you, Miss Nancy.

Now, here we go. Here we go for real.

Now, here we go. Here we go for real.

Kevin.

Kevin.

All right.

All right.

She misses your movies.

She misses your movies.

She says they don't go up there in heaven because it's heaven.

She says they don't go up there in heaven because it's heaven.

Oh, oh, but she said your dad is enjoying them all down where he is.

Oh, oh, but she said your dad is enjoying them all down where he is.

That was very sweet.

That was very sweet.

She says she regrets not being there for you when your father passed.

She says she regrets not being there for you when your father passed.

Oh, so she could watch that motherfucker die.

Oh, so she could watch that motherfucker die.

[Kevin] Okay. All right.

[Kevin] Okay. All right.

Tell Kevin that's a quote, okay?

Tell Kevin that's a quote, okay?

She says that she's sorry that she always treated your brother better,

She says that she's sorry that she always treated your brother better,

but that's only because she loved him more.

but that's only because she loved him more.

That's enough, Regina.

That's enough, Regina.

Oh, wait, wait.

Oh, wait, wait.

And now she's saying I told you not to do that.

And now she's saying I told you not to do that.

Oh, no, that's about your failed vegan fast food chain.

Oh, no, that's about your failed vegan fast food chain.

Okay. All right.

Okay. All right.

No, no, she just said,

No, no, she just said,

nigga, you grew up on Philly cheesesteaks.

nigga, you grew up on Philly cheesesteaks.

Why you ain't start a chain of that shit?

Why you ain't start a chain of that shit?

I'm sorry, Kevin.

I'm sorry, Kevin.

No, no, wait.

No, no, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

More stuff is coming through.

More stuff is coming through.

It's like I'm Oda Mae Brown out here.

It's like I'm Oda Mae Brown out here.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Pete!

Pete!

No, this is sweet.

No, this is sweet.

I'm only here with love tonight.

I'm only here with love tonight.

No one has to worry.

No one has to worry.

She says that your dad, he misses you, and he sees your success.

She says that your dad, he misses you, and he sees your success.

He wants to know what it was like to fuck Kate Beckinsale,

He wants to know what it was like to fuck Kate Beckinsale,

Emily Ratatouille, Ariana Gran--

Emily Ratatouille, Ariana Gran--

I can't name them all.

I can't name them all.

Ariana Grande… We'll get to it later, Pete.

Ariana Grande… We'll get to it later, Pete.

He also says you inherited your dick size

He also says you inherited your dick size

from him and you're welcome.

from him and you're welcome.

She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him in about three weeks.

She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him in about three weeks.

[Kevin] Oh, shit.

[Kevin] Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Regina, that's enough.

Regina, that's enough.

-Regi-- -Sorry.

-Regi-- -Sorry.

She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all up there and they want to say…

She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all up there and they want to say…

Thank you.

Thank you.

You made the right decision.

You made the right decision.

She also said, I told you Teyana might bomb.

She also said, I told you Teyana might bomb.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm just downloading, guys.

I'm just downloading, guys.

Last thing, finally,

Last thing, finally,

Miss Nancy says, thank you all for being here to celebrate my son.

Miss Nancy says, thank you all for being here to celebrate my son.

I love you, Kevin Hart.

I love you, Kevin Hart.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Have fun on your big night.

Have fun on your big night.

And now-- Oh.

And now-- Oh.

[sighs] I have to get back to Michael Clarke Duncan,

[sighs] I have to get back to Michael Clarke Duncan,

who's been a deep green mile in this pussy

who's been a deep green mile in this pussy

-for the past three months. -[Kevin] What the fuck?

-for the past three months. -[Kevin] What the fuck?

-[audience laughing] -Regina!

-[audience laughing] -Regina!

-Regina! -[contestants laugh]

-Regina! -[contestants laugh]

The fuck is that?

The fuck is that?

It's Mother's Day. [laughs]

It's Mother's Day. [laughs]

Sorry.

Sorry.

She said they run trains in heaven.

She said they run trains in heaven.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

Wait, what do you mean the other heaven?

Wait, what do you mean the other heaven?

Not your… [breathes shakily]

Not your… [breathes shakily]

-What? What the fuck? -[breathes shakily]

-What? What the fuck? -[breathes shakily]

-Don't! Regina, look at me. -[chuckles] I'm sorry.

-Don't! Regina, look at me. -[chuckles] I'm sorry.

-Don't fucking-- Don't-- -[Regina] I didn't say it.

-Don't fucking-- Don't-- -[Regina] I didn't say it.

There's hope for us in the afterlife, ladies.

There's hope for us in the afterlife, ladies.

They're fucking up there.

They're fucking up there.

-All right. -[audience laughing]

-All right. -[audience laughing]

In closing, I just want to share a heartfelt memory that I have.

In closing, I just want to share a heartfelt memory that I have.

And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

I was doing a movie and I walked on set, everyone,

I was doing a movie and I walked on set, everyone,

not knowing what I was in for.

not knowing what I was in for.

The director told me that I needed to do an improv scene

The director told me that I needed to do an improv scene

with the funniest motherfucker that he had ever worked with.

with the funniest motherfucker that he had ever worked with.

He called action and it was magic.

He called action and it was magic.

I was in awe watching this man work.

I was in awe watching this man work.

So quick, so funny.

So quick, so funny.

His large stature was beyond his physical height.

His large stature was beyond his physical height.

-[Kevin laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[Kevin laughs] -[audience laughing]

I will never forget how it felt performing with him.

I will never forget how it felt performing with him.

He was so great, and he still is.

He was so great, and he still is.

[Katt] I'm the last person they want in this motherfucker right here.

[Katt] I'm the last person they want in this motherfucker right here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yes, yes, Kevin.

Yes, yes, Kevin.

My special gift to you.

My special gift to you.

[chuckles] It's the other capital motherfucking K everyone,

[chuckles] It's the other capital motherfucking K everyone,

-Katt Williams. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Katt Williams. -[audience cheering, applauding]

[rendition of "Shaft" theme playing]

[rendition of "Shaft" theme playing]

[Roots singing indistinctly]

[Roots singing indistinctly]

♪ Kevin still looks up to you ♪

♪ Kevin still looks up to you ♪

♪ The type of man that kevin hart Wished he could be ♪

♪ The type of man that kevin hart Wished he could be ♪

-[music concludes] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[music concludes] -[audience cheering, applauding]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

Hello Kevin.

Hello Kevin.

[audience chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

Hello Katt.

Hello Katt.

I'm surprised they invited me.

I'm surprised they invited me.

[audience laughing, cheering]

[audience laughing, cheering]

That's how little star power you have. They had to start inviting your enemies.

That's how little star power you have. They had to start inviting your enemies.

I said, "I hate him."

I said, "I hate him."

-They said, "Come anyway." -[laughs]

-They said, "Come anyway." -[laughs]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Very humble of me to be at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin.

Very humble of me to be at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin.

I've won an Emmy Award,

I've won an Emmy Award,

but this is gonna be my best acting tonight,

but this is gonna be my best acting tonight,

as I pretend like you are a GOAT.

as I pretend like you are a GOAT.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

For the people at home, you're wondering, "Why is the Katt man doing this?"

For the people at home, you're wondering, "Why is the Katt man doing this?"

-For the money, bitch. -[audience laughing, applauding]

-For the money, bitch. -[audience laughing, applauding]

-This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival. -[audience laughing]

-This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival. -[audience laughing]

Only one with a soul.

Only one with a soul.

Kevin, you're gonna hear some things tonight

Kevin, you're gonna hear some things tonight

that you're not familiar with.

that you're not familiar with.

Those things are called punchlines.

Those things are called punchlines.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

Is this deus the best that the industry could put together for dear old Kev?

Is this deus the best that the industry could put together for dear old Kev?

I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real

I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real

or if this is the junior varsity version, but…

or if this is the junior varsity version, but…

[laughter]

[laughter]

For those of you just joining us,

For those of you just joining us,

Kevin and I have beef.

Kevin and I have beef.

And I'll tell you why.

And I'll tell you why.

'Cause privately, this motherfucker stole everything from me.

'Cause privately, this motherfucker stole everything from me.

Before he saw my act, he was a six-foot-three white man.

Before he saw my act, he was a six-foot-three white man.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I tried to tell y'all that Kevin Hart was a plant.

I tried to tell y'all that Kevin Hart was a plant.

[audience chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

'Cause I keep burying him, he keeps springing back the fuck up.

'Cause I keep burying him, he keeps springing back the fuck up.

Just like a plant.

Just like a plant.

Yes, I said some things I'd like to take back.

Yes, I said some things I'd like to take back.

Some things I said were misunderstood.

Some things I said were misunderstood.

I did say that Kevin was a Hollywood puppet,

I did say that Kevin was a Hollywood puppet,

and I want to explain that.

and I want to explain that.

Because it might not be what you think.

Because it might not be what you think.

I meant that the head of Netflix literally has his whole hand

I meant that the head of Netflix literally has his whole hand

up Kevin's ass and can make him do anything.

up Kevin's ass and can make him do anything.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Kevin only has one rule in his movies, no N-word.

Kevin only has one rule in his movies, no N-word.

And that N word is "No."

And that N word is "No."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

He's never fucking said it, never ever.

He's never fucking said it, never ever.

Scary Movie 3, Ride Along, Night School, Get Hard.

Scary Movie 3, Ride Along, Night School, Get Hard.

I turned down all of them.

I turned down all of them.

Cause I was not comfortable being a coon.

Cause I was not comfortable being a coon.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Went right behind me for the same price.

Went right behind me for the same price.

If you're gonna see a Kevin Hart movie, do yourself a favor,

If you're gonna see a Kevin Hart movie, do yourself a favor,

see it in a Black theater so you can hear words like,

see it in a Black theater so you can hear words like,

"I want my motherfucking money back."

"I want my motherfucking money back."

And "I want my money back too."

And "I want my money back too."

Or "This is some bullshit, I want my money back."

Or "This is some bullshit, I want my money back."

[laughs]

[laughs]

Even The Rock can't save your ass.

Even The Rock can't save your ass.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Kevin and The Rock have what you call a bromance.

Kevin and The Rock have what you call a bromance.

That's when two actors secretly fuck the shit out of each other.

That's when two actors secretly fuck the shit out of each other.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

Only two people have done that, me and his father.

Only two people have done that, me and his father.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

Kevin once said if his son was gay, he would take a dollhouse

Kevin once said if his son was gay, he would take a dollhouse

and hit him over the head with it,

and hit him over the head with it,

which is arguably the gayest way to abuse a child.

which is arguably the gayest way to abuse a child.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

You just can't do it. He's made of Teflon.

You just can't do it. He's made of Teflon.

They tried to cancel him for being homophobic and I don't get it.

They tried to cancel him for being homophobic and I don't get it.

I'm saying the guy who's obsessed with shopping sprees and fitness,

I'm saying the guy who's obsessed with shopping sprees and fitness,

always surrounded by ten dudes

always surrounded by ten dudes

and Chelsea Handler and oiled up half-Samoan bodybuilders,

and Chelsea Handler and oiled up half-Samoan bodybuilders,

and a vegan restaurant and bought yoga pants.

and a vegan restaurant and bought yoga pants.

You think that guy is homophobic? That guy is a fairy, bitch.

You think that guy is homophobic? That guy is a fairy, bitch.

-He is not. -[audience laughing]

-He is not. -[audience laughing]

[Katt] That's the gayest man I ever met. You slay, queen. You do that.

[Katt] That's the gayest man I ever met. You slay, queen. You do that.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

They tried to cancel Kevin for the Diddy parties.

They tried to cancel Kevin for the Diddy parties.

They hurled allegations at him.

They hurled allegations at him.

But thanks to all the baby oil…

But thanks to all the baby oil…

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

…the charges didn't stick.

…the charges didn't stick.

Kevin famously was at a brunch of-- [scoffs] A brunch.

Kevin famously was at a brunch of-- [scoffs] A brunch.

[audience chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties,

Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties,

but in his defense, it was only 'cause Diddy thought he was ten.

but in his defense, it was only 'cause Diddy thought he was ten.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Kevin even hosted a record release party for P. Diddy.

Kevin even hosted a record release party for P. Diddy.

There was a record number of releases on the bed,

There was a record number of releases on the bed,

in the pool, on the floor, everywhere but the hoes.

in the pool, on the floor, everywhere but the hoes.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

But I want to be clear, just because Kevin went to Diddy parties

But I want to be clear, just because Kevin went to Diddy parties

does not mean he did something wrong.

does not mean he did something wrong.

The fact that he gets all quiet when you bring it up…

The fact that he gets all quiet when you bring it up…

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

…that means he did something wrong.

…that means he did something wrong.

-[audience laughing, applauding] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing, applauding] -[laughs]

Yet people give him awards. [sighs]

Yet people give him awards. [sighs]

Kevin, I have an idea for a movie where you travel back in time,

Kevin, I have an idea for a movie where you travel back in time,

and Mark Twain takes his motherfucking award back

and Mark Twain takes his motherfucking award back

-and calls you the N-word. -[audience laughing]

-and calls you the N-word. -[audience laughing]

Now, that's a good movie, so I know you'll pass on it.

Now, that's a good movie, so I know you'll pass on it.

All right, listen.

All right, listen.

I could go on all night hating on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

I could go on all night hating on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

-[Katt] But at some point… -[laughs]

-[Katt] But at some point… -[laughs]

…you've got to look yourself in the mirror and say,

…you've got to look yourself in the mirror and say,

"Do I really want to have beef with the rabbit, Snowball,

"Do I really want to have beef with the rabbit, Snowball,

from The Secret Life of Pets 2?"

from The Secret Life of Pets 2?"

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Yes, I do, Kevin.

Yes, I do, Kevin.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Motherfucker wouldn't even play a Black rabbit.

Motherfucker wouldn't even play a Black rabbit.

-Can you imagine the coonery? -[audience laughing, applauding]

-Can you imagine the coonery? -[audience laughing, applauding]

I'm out. Good night, Inglewood. Thank y'all so much.

I'm out. Good night, Inglewood. Thank y'all so much.

-[audience laughing, applauding] -[Kevin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-[audience laughing, applauding] -[Kevin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on.

Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on.

Just give me, give me one fucking minute.

Just give me, give me one fucking minute.

Me and this man have been at odds for years on years.

Me and this man have been at odds for years on years.

You coming out here, quite the fucking surprise,

You coming out here, quite the fucking surprise,

but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you,

but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you,

I can laugh, because I'm a fucking fan first, okay?

I can laugh, because I'm a fucking fan first, okay?

-I'm a fan first. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-I'm a fan first. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Katt, we have an opportunity in real time,

Katt, we have an opportunity in real time,

this is live television, to put our fucking beef behind us.

this is live television, to put our fucking beef behind us.

I am offering you an olive branch of peace.

I am offering you an olive branch of peace.

I wanna be a brother, I wanna be a friend.

I wanna be a brother, I wanna be a friend.

Katt, I wanna move on.

Katt, I wanna move on.

-Can we move on, man? Can we move on? -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Can we move on, man? Can we move on? -[audience cheering, applauding]

Katt Williams one time,

Katt Williams one time,

ladies and gentlemen, Katt fucking Williams.

ladies and gentlemen, Katt fucking Williams.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

All right, how about that? Those little tiny guys being friends.

All right, how about that? Those little tiny guys being friends.

So funny, like they're gonna do something.

So funny, like they're gonna do something.

"What are you gonna do?" Shut up.

"What are you gonna do?" Shut up.

Fucking 220-pound man being like, "you wanna squash some beef or what?"

Fucking 220-pound man being like, "you wanna squash some beef or what?"

Shut up. [chuckles]

Shut up. [chuckles]

They're so little, who cares?

They're so little, who cares?

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

And now, to present Kevin with a very special gift from Compton,

And now, to present Kevin with a very special gift from Compton,

California, American Icons, Venus and Serena Williams.

California, American Icons, Venus and Serena Williams.

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[music concludes] -[cheering, applause]

-[music concludes] -[cheering, applause]

Have we won a few Grand Slam titles?

Have we won a few Grand Slam titles?

Forty-eight actually between us and eight Olympic gold medals.

Forty-eight actually between us and eight Olympic gold medals.

We have been called the GOATs in our own right.

We have been called the GOATs in our own right.

We have also been called to do this tonight.

We have also been called to do this tonight.

And we did say no three times.

And we did say no three times.

But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

But our question remains, what are you the GOAT of?

But our question remains, what are you the GOAT of?

So what awards does Kevin have? Is it an Oscar?

So what awards does Kevin have? Is it an Oscar?

-No, no, no. -Okay, Emmy, right?

-No, no, no. -Okay, Emmy, right?

-No. -Grammy?

-No. -Grammy?

-No, actually that's our girl, Lizzo. -Hey, Lizzo.

-No, actually that's our girl, Lizzo. -Hey, Lizzo.

-[Serena] Hey. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[Serena] Hey. -[audience cheering, applauding]

I thought he said he had the EGOT.

I thought he said he had the EGOT.

He did, but as in, he ain't got no awards.

He did, but as in, he ain't got no awards.

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

Okay, okay. But you don't need to have an award to be a GOAT.

Okay, okay. But you don't need to have an award to be a GOAT.

You can be a GOAT of so many things.

You can be a GOAT of so many things.

Well, maybe he's a GOAT of freestyle rapping.

Well, maybe he's a GOAT of freestyle rapping.

No, I think that's Black Thought.

No, I think that's Black Thought.

[audience cheer]

[audience cheer]

[Serena] Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football?

[Serena] Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football?

No, it's Tom Brady. I heard he already left.

No, it's Tom Brady. I heard he already left.

Honestly, I don't blame him.

Honestly, I don't blame him.

I guess a G does have to stand for "great,"

I guess a G does have to stand for "great,"

or it doesn't have to stand for great.

or it doesn't have to stand for great.

Oh. Maybe it stands for grating?

Oh. Maybe it stands for grating?

Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

You know, you don't have to be great. You don't have to be great.

You know, you don't have to be great. You don't have to be great.

Maybe he's good. Maybe he's the goodest of all time.

Maybe he's good. Maybe he's the goodest of all time.

[chuckles] He's a good time.

[chuckles] He's a good time.

He's definitely a good time. Baby oil.

He's definitely a good time. Baby oil.

But seriously… [laughs] …seriously, Kevin, we got nothing but love.

But seriously… [laughs] …seriously, Kevin, we got nothing but love.

-We love you. -We love you so much.

-We love you. -We love you so much.

And as you know in tennis, love means nothing.

And as you know in tennis, love means nothing.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

But since we didn't wanna leave you with nothing again,

But since we didn't wanna leave you with nothing again,

we brought you the most coveted GOAT ring,

we brought you the most coveted GOAT ring,

which we give to the most honorable guest.

which we give to the most honorable guest.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Oh my God. That's a ring for me?

Oh my God. That's a ring for me?

[Venus] It's a ring for you. Come on up. Come up here.

[Venus] It's a ring for you. Come on up. Come up here.

-There you go. -Oh, my God.

-There you go. -Oh, my God.

And if you don't want it, you can pawn it two blocks from here, you know.

And if you don't want it, you can pawn it two blocks from here, you know.

-Yes, okay. -No, I want it.

-Yes, okay. -No, I want it.

Oh, and one more thing. Can you sit down?

Oh, and one more thing. Can you sit down?

-Yeah, sorry. -This is our moment.

-Yeah, sorry. -This is our moment.

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete without this one man.

Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete without this one man.

["We Will Rock You" rendition playing]

["We Will Rock You" rendition playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Finally!

Finally!

-Daddy's home. -[audience cheering]

-Daddy's home. -[audience cheering]

Yes. We're gonna put some kerosene on this bitch.

Yes. We're gonna put some kerosene on this bitch.

We're gonna burn this motherfucker down.

We're gonna burn this motherfucker down.

-What's up, Inglewood? -[audience cheering]

-What's up, Inglewood? -[audience cheering]

My boy, Aaron Donald.

My boy, Aaron Donald.

This is what you're doing in retirement. That's fucked up.

This is what you're doing in retirement. That's fucked up.

You owe me a workout.

You owe me a workout.

[Dwayne] Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[Dwayne] Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I know what JLo is thinking, thank fuck The Rock has arrived.

I know what JLo is thinking, thank fuck The Rock has arrived.

Yes, I'm here.

Yes, I'm here.

Finally.

Finally.

I've been waiting my entire life for this, where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast.

I've been waiting my entire life for this, where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast.

-I could have fun. -[audience member] Whoo!

-I could have fun. -[audience member] Whoo!

Whoo! Thank you.

Whoo! Thank you.

And I could just talk shit.

And I could just talk shit.

The franchise Viagra is in the house.

The franchise Viagra is in the house.

Now this roast can go hard all night long.

Now this roast can go hard all night long.

Buckle up, Netflix.

Buckle up, Netflix.

Tudum, motherfuckers.

Tudum, motherfuckers.

Now, I know what you're all assuming is that I'm here

Now, I know what you're all assuming is that I'm here

to carry another shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

to carry another shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

But for once, that's not the case.

But for once, that's not the case.

I'm actually here tonight because someone needs

I'm actually here tonight because someone needs

to chew up Kevin's food and spit it in his mouth.

to chew up Kevin's food and spit it in his mouth.

Isn't that right, my little chocolate baby bird?

Isn't that right, my little chocolate baby bird?

You laugh because it's true.

You laugh because it's true.

Hello, Kevin. Shut up.

Hello, Kevin. Shut up.

Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

None of you dudes, you sons of bitches,

None of you dudes, you sons of bitches,

none of you have the right to talk shit about Kevin and put him down.

none of you have the right to talk shit about Kevin and put him down.

None of you have the right to talk shit about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

None of you have the right to talk shit about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

Only me.

Only me.

I know every single guy on this dais

I know every single guy on this dais

would piss themselves if I took a punch.

would piss themselves if I took a punch.

I know one guy who would cum if I choked him out.

I know one guy who would cum if I choked him out.

Stop smiling, Jeff.

Stop smiling, Jeff.

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you.

Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you.

-Good to see you, I love you too. -Thank you.

-Good to see you, I love you too. -Thank you.

You know where I come from, we have a word for guys like you, fat.

You know where I come from, we have a word for guys like you, fat.

How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now in this fucking red outfit?

How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now in this fucking red outfit?

Jeff is so gross,

Jeff is so gross,

he's a sixty-year-old bachelor who's never been married

he's a sixty-year-old bachelor who's never been married

and no one has ever even suggested that he might be gay.

and no one has ever even suggested that he might be gay.

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

-You would fuck me? -[Jeff] Yeah.

-You would fuck me? -[Jeff] Yeah.

God, well I wouldn't fuck you, so sit down and shut up.

God, well I wouldn't fuck you, so sit down and shut up.

And what the fuck are you laughing at, Shane?

And what the fuck are you laughing at, Shane?

I'm gonna get him.

I'm gonna get him.

Shane, why? [laughs]

Shane, why? [laughs]

'Cause I'm drunk and you're gonna get it, that's it.

'Cause I'm drunk and you're gonna get it, that's it.

Shane, if you're here tonight, then who's out in the woods

Shane, if you're here tonight, then who's out in the woods

ass-raping canoers until they squeal like a pig?

ass-raping canoers until they squeal like a pig?

[The Roots playing banjo music]

[The Roots playing banjo music]

Oh, shut up, The Roots.

Oh, shut up, The Roots.

If you're gonna play the fucking song, play it right, from Deliverance.

If you're gonna play the fucking song, play it right, from Deliverance.

[vocalizing]

[vocalizing]

I don't know what the fuck you just played.

I don't know what the fuck you just played.

[chuckles] He's like, no money.

[chuckles] He's like, no money.

All right, well, fuck, that ain't my problem.

All right, well, fuck, that ain't my problem.

You know…

You know…

You know, Shane Gillis and I actually worked out together once.

You know, Shane Gillis and I actually worked out together once.

True story. You're smiling because it's true.

True story. You're smiling because it's true.

It happened.

It happened.

And he was throwing some weights around and I was impressed.

And he was throwing some weights around and I was impressed.

You know, he was a fit guy.

You know, he was a fit guy.

But not as fit, not as nearly fit as his mom.

But not as fit, not as nearly fit as his mom.

No, true story. That bitch had a six pack.

No, true story. That bitch had a six pack.

Every night she was pregnant with Shane.

Every night she was pregnant with Shane.

You drink 'cause it's true.

You drink 'cause it's true.

And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea.

And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea.

Whoo!

Whoo!

You look beautiful.

You look beautiful.

Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way.

Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way.

Don't fuck with Chelsea.

Don't fuck with Chelsea.

Everyone's been here. They come up talking shit about you.

Everyone's been here. They come up talking shit about you.

That ain't easy to do. You hold your own. You're just a boss lady up here.

That ain't easy to do. You hold your own. You're just a boss lady up here.

I wanna come out here and I wanna give Chelsea her flowers.

I wanna come out here and I wanna give Chelsea her flowers.

I just want to take a minute, yes, I want to take a minute

I just want to take a minute, yes, I want to take a minute

to congratulate Chelsea because BET just

to congratulate Chelsea because BET just

gave her poontang a Lifetime Achievement Award.

gave her poontang a Lifetime Achievement Award.

It's true, right, Kevin?

It's true, right, Kevin?

Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

Chelsea recently said, marriage is outdated.

Chelsea recently said, marriage is outdated.

But remember, Chelsea, also outdated is dying alone.

But remember, Chelsea, also outdated is dying alone.

Chelsea also said she can't be racist

Chelsea also said she can't be racist

because she fucks a lot of Black guys.

because she fucks a lot of Black guys.

Which is like Tony saying he can't be homophobic

Which is like Tony saying he can't be homophobic

because he fucks a lot of Black guys.

because he fucks a lot of Black guys.

Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

You look like, I'm gonna cook, you look like a plantation owner

You look like, I'm gonna cook, you look like a plantation owner

who makes his slaves perform musicals.

who makes his slaves perform musicals.

Draymond is in the house, my guy.

Draymond is in the house, my guy.

Wait a second, hey, Draymond, that's your name, right?

Wait a second, hey, Draymond, that's your name, right?

That's my boy. I was thinking about this, you know.

That's my boy. I was thinking about this, you know.

Of all the cool ass Black names you could have,

Of all the cool ass Black names you could have,

that is the laziest fucking Black name I've ever heard.

that is the laziest fucking Black name I've ever heard.

Because all you did was put a D in front of Raymond.

Because all you did was put a D in front of Raymond.

Yeah. It's fucking dretarded.

Yeah. It's fucking dretarded.

And on top of all that, your retarded name,

And on top of all that, your retarded name,

your team got bounced from the playoffs.

your team got bounced from the playoffs.

So I'm just saying, 'cause you're my boy and I love you,

So I'm just saying, 'cause you're my boy and I love you,

maybe it's time to retire.

maybe it's time to retire.

I'm sorry, to dretire.

I'm sorry, to dretire.

And Pete Davidson, my boy, you freaky little motherfucker.

And Pete Davidson, my boy, you freaky little motherfucker.

We go way back, Pete. Yes, we do.

We go way back, Pete. Yes, we do.

You look like a white guy doing blackface doing whiteface.

You look like a white guy doing blackface doing whiteface.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[Dwayne] How the fuck, I love you too.

[Dwayne] How the fuck, I love you too.

And somehow you're still the best-looking guy

And somehow you're still the best-looking guy

on this dais until I showed up. It's just me and you.

on this dais until I showed up. It's just me and you.

Shut up, Kevin.

Shut up, Kevin.

And I wanna just take a moment just to give a shout out,

And I wanna just take a moment just to give a shout out,

give flowers to all the ladies up here on this dais.

give flowers to all the ladies up here on this dais.

You all look beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

You all look beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

You know who else looks sexy?

You know who else looks sexy?

Kevin's wife, Eniko.

Kevin's wife, Eniko.

[Kevin] What the fuck?

[Kevin] What the fuck?

What do you mean, what the fuck? Just sit down.

What do you mean, what the fuck? Just sit down.

I'm just giving her compliment.

I'm just giving her compliment.

-Okay, no, listen. -No fucking listen.

-Okay, no, listen. -No fucking listen.

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

-It's my fucking wife. -I know, I'm just giving her compliment.

-It's my fucking wife. -I know, I'm just giving her compliment.

-She looks beautiful and sexy. -[Kevin] That's not how you said it.

-She looks beautiful and sexy. -[Kevin] That's not how you said it.

You didn't say it like that the first time.

You didn't say it like that the first time.

How did I say it? What do you mean?

How did I say it? What do you mean?

-You said it different the first time. -[Dwayne] I said she's sexy.

-You said it different the first time. -[Dwayne] I said she's sexy.

Don't fucking say it like that.

Don't fucking say it like that.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

-Don't fucking do that. -Hold on, Chelsea.

-Don't fucking do that. -Hold on, Chelsea.

Don't you think it's time for your wife to have a real man?

Don't you think it's time for your wife to have a real man?

What?

What?

Don't you think it's time

Don't you think it's time

for Eniko to be with somebody that is bigger than her?

for Eniko to be with somebody that is bigger than her?

[Dwayne] Yes.

[Dwayne] Yes.

I think my wife is real happy.

I think my wife is real happy.

Let's ask her. Let's ask her. See if she's happy.

Let's ask her. Let's ask her. See if she's happy.

-She doesn't look happy. -I know my wife is fucking happy.

-She doesn't look happy. -I know my wife is fucking happy.

I don't know if she's happy.

I don't know if she's happy.

[Shane] Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre.

[Shane] Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre.

Honey, are you happy with me?

Honey, are you happy with me?

-One hundred percent. -You know what she just said?

-One hundred percent. -You know what she just said?

[Chelsea] Would you be happier with The Rock?

[Chelsea] Would you be happier with The Rock?

Or any rock?

Or any rock?

[Kevin] Yeah, did you hear what she just said?

[Kevin] Yeah, did you hear what she just said?

She just said, fuck him. That's what she just said.

She just said, fuck him. That's what she just said.

-[Dwayne] She didn't say that. -She said, fuck you.

-[Dwayne] She didn't say that. -She said, fuck you.

[Dwayne] Okay, well listen, I'm gonna tell you what.

[Dwayne] Okay, well listen, I'm gonna tell you what.

Of all the awards tonight, Chelsea's getting an award

Of all the awards tonight, Chelsea's getting an award

for her poontang, Lifetime Achievement Award.

for her poontang, Lifetime Achievement Award.

Your wife, her poontang and awards, she deserves an award, an Academy Award

Your wife, her poontang and awards, she deserves an award, an Academy Award

for pretending she likes to fuck you.

for pretending she likes to fuck you.

-That's the thing. -[Kevin] What the fuck was that?

-That's the thing. -[Kevin] What the fuck was that?

[Dwayne] Yes.

[Dwayne] Yes.

-[Kevin] You son of a bitch. -And the award goes to.

-[Kevin] You son of a bitch. -And the award goes to.

[Kevin] You fuck stick.

[Kevin] You fuck stick.

You fuck stick.

You fuck stick.

Okay, listen, all right, I'm not gonna do that,

Okay, listen, all right, I'm not gonna do that,

I won't do that.

I won't do that.

Hey, Eniko.

Hey, Eniko.

I'm just gonna say, how about later on tonight, you and I together,

I'm just gonna say, how about later on tonight, you and I together,

we'll open up a bottle of tequila and we…

we'll open up a bottle of tequila and we…

Stop squirming, Kevin, don't look at me like that.

Stop squirming, Kevin, don't look at me like that.

[Chelsea] A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila.

[Chelsea] A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila.

-Grand Cormino. -You and The Rock.

-Grand Cormino. -You and The Rock.

You'll throw up with that, as you usually do, listen.

You'll throw up with that, as you usually do, listen.

You want Teremana, you want the good shit,

You want Teremana, you want the good shit,

you want The Rock, the good shit. Listen, they know.

you want The Rock, the good shit. Listen, they know.

All right, but as you know,

All right, but as you know,

we'll let you watch like we always do, okay?

we'll let you watch like we always do, okay?

Hey, it's just jokes from the corner of the room, strapped tight

Hey, it's just jokes from the corner of the room, strapped tight

in your cuck high chair.

in your cuck high chair.

Listen.

Listen.

I'm not a sick fuck.

I'm not a sick fuck.

All right. Well, you guys can Google what that means later.

All right. Well, you guys can Google what that means later.

Listen. Here's the thing.

Listen. Here's the thing.

I actually get why women love Kevin Hart.

I actually get why women love Kevin Hart.

I totally get it. I know. Well, I'll tell you why.

I totally get it. I know. Well, I'll tell you why.

He's the same size and color as their favorite dildo.

He's the same size and color as their favorite dildo.

And the little motherfucker is twice as loud.

And the little motherfucker is twice as loud.

You know, ladies and gentlemen… You laugh because it's true.

You know, ladies and gentlemen… You laugh because it's true.

But you know…

But you know…

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin and I actually have,

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin and I actually have,

we have many things in common.

we have many things in common.

It's why the guy's my best friend and something else we have

It's why the guy's my best friend and something else we have

in common is, yeah, we do.

in common is, yeah, we do.

And I love the guy and we also have this in common is recently,

And I love the guy and we also have this in common is recently,

both of our dads died.

both of our dads died.

-[Kevin] It's true. -It's true.

-[Kevin] It's true. -It's true.

And I thought, well,

And I thought, well,

maybe I shouldn't bring this up because it's heavy, but I thought,

maybe I shouldn't bring this up because it's heavy, but I thought,

it is something that bonds us.

it is something that bonds us.

And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.

And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.

As many of you may know, my old man,

As many of you may know, my old man,

he came here to the Forum back in the '70s.

he came here to the Forum back in the '70s.

My dad, he was the "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson.

My dad, he was the "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson.

He was a bad dude in the game.

He was a bad dude in the game.

Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad.

Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad.

He was tall and strong and big. And where's he at?

He was tall and strong and big. And where's he at?

No, that's not him. Where's he at?

No, that's not him. Where's he at?

Somewhere.

Somewhere.

He's somewhere, he looked like a superhero.

He's somewhere, he looked like a superhero.

Where is my dad?

Where is my dad?

They put him out there. He's out there, okay, good.

They put him out there. He's out there, okay, good.

Can you guys see my old man?

Can you guys see my old man?

Okay, cool, there he is, yeah.

Okay, cool, there he is, yeah.

He was a fucking tank, you know?

He was a fucking tank, you know?

Now, whereas Kevin's dad.

Now, whereas Kevin's dad.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[Kevin] You son of a bitch.

[Kevin] You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

What the fuck was that, man?

What the fuck was that, man?

You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

-There's a better picture of my dad. -[Dwayne] Okay, okay. [laughs]

-There's a better picture of my dad. -[Dwayne] Okay, okay. [laughs]

No, I just wanted to show both our dads showing their chest

No, I just wanted to show both our dads showing their chest

and what their bodies look like. Okay, look, you are right.

and what their bodies look like. Okay, look, you are right.

Come on, guys.

Come on, guys.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

There's a bitter picture of Kevin's dad.

There's a bitter picture of Kevin's dad.

That's right.

That's right.

Whoever released these pictures are fired.

Whoever released these pictures are fired.

You're fucking fired.

You're fucking fired.

-[laughs] -Son of a bitch.

-[laughs] -Son of a bitch.

There he is. That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad.

There he is. That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad.

-[laughs] -And as we all know,

-[laughs] -And as we all know,

I met Kevin's dad.

I met Kevin's dad.

And as we all know, you know, Kevin's dad,

And as we all know, you know, Kevin's dad,

Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

-[Kevin] Yeah. [laughs] -[audience laughs]

-[Kevin] Yeah. [laughs] -[audience laughs]

And he loved the crack.

And he loved the crack.

And that was before he even met Kevin.

And that was before he even met Kevin.

You know, Kevin realized that the only way to win his dad's love was

You know, Kevin realized that the only way to win his dad's love was

if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

And Kevin, just like your dad,

And Kevin, just like your dad,

it's wild how much you need the rock.

it's wild how much you need the rock.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

[Dwayne] Oh, Kevin. [laughs]

[Dwayne] Oh, Kevin. [laughs]

It's good.

It's good.

Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin.

Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin.

My little crack baby, Kevin.

My little crack baby, Kevin.

You know, your dad, true story, his dad even named Kevin after crack.

You know, your dad, true story, his dad even named Kevin after crack.

Yes, because he legitimately thought it was spelled with a K.

Yes, because he legitimately thought it was spelled with a K.

True story. And what's the medical term for that?

True story. And what's the medical term for that?

-Oh, fucking idiot. Yes. -[laughs]

-Oh, fucking idiot. Yes. -[laughs]

Now, I know, you're sweating and crying. I know, I know you well.

Now, I know, you're sweating and crying. I know, I know you well.

I know our dads right now are looking down on us from the clouds

I know our dads right now are looking down on us from the clouds

and I hope they're proud.

and I hope they're proud.

I think they are.

I think they are.

You know, I know your dad has to look a little harder

You know, I know your dad has to look a little harder

because you're a fucking dwarf.

because you're a fucking dwarf.

But, but…

But, but…

-I love you brother. -[Kevin] I love you too. Thank you.

-I love you brother. -[Kevin] I love you too. Thank you.

I know you love me too. I love you, yes, I do.

I know you love me too. I love you, yes, I do.

I really do.

I really do.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

And just to prove it, just last week I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

And just to prove it, just last week I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

Yeah, whoo! On my cock.

Yeah, whoo! On my cock.

Yeah, life size too.

Yeah, life size too.

Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

-Get the fuck out of here. -Okay, okay, okay.

-Get the fuck out of here. -Okay, okay, okay.

-Stop it, man. -Okay, no problem, no.

-Stop it, man. -Okay, no problem, no.

-Eniko, I'll show you later. -[Kevin] Hey, what the fuck?

-Eniko, I'll show you later. -[Kevin] Hey, what the fuck?

-I'm sorry. -[Kevin] What the fuck are you doing, man?

-I'm sorry. -[Kevin] What the fuck are you doing, man?

[Dwayne] I'm sorry, listen.

[Dwayne] I'm sorry, listen.

-What the fuck is that? -Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

-What the fuck is that? -Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's my fucking wife, man.

It's my fucking wife, man.

[Dwayne] I'm kidding, she's already seen it. Listen.

[Dwayne] I'm kidding, she's already seen it. Listen.

-What the fuck is happening? -I'm joking.

-What the fuck is happening? -I'm joking.

-The fuck are you doing, man? -It's jokes.

-The fuck are you doing, man? -It's jokes.

It's my fucking wife, man.

It's my fucking wife, man.

Mwah! She's the best. I'm kidding, okay.

Mwah! She's the best. I'm kidding, okay.

But in all seriousness, I would like to make a toast to you.

But in all seriousness, I would like to make a toast to you.

Can I make a toast to Kevin?

Can I make a toast to Kevin?

-Yes. Yes. -My brother?

-Yes. Yes. -My brother?

-All right. -Yes.

-All right. -Yes.

Let's do it, let's do it. Here, I'll pour myself one.

Let's do it, let's do it. Here, I'll pour myself one.

-You pour yourself one. -Yeah.

-You pour yourself one. -Yeah.

-You pour the Grand Cormino. -Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

-You pour the Grand Cormino. -Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

-Okay. -I'll pour the Teremana.

-Okay. -I'll pour the Teremana.

Why would you say that about my fucking wife?

Why would you say that about my fucking wife?

-I'm gonna talk to you later. -[stutters]

-I'm gonna talk to you later. -[stutters]

I'll talk to you fucking later.

I'll talk to you fucking later.

But you're the one who said, "Hey, listen,

But you're the one who said, "Hey, listen,

fucking say anything you want."

fucking say anything you want."

No, have a good time, but what the fuck was that?

No, have a good time, but what the fuck was that?

-Okay, okay, okay, okay. -Come on, let's take a toast.

-Okay, okay, okay, okay. -Come on, let's take a toast.

Okay, let's take a toast. You know what, here, let me sit down.

Okay, let's take a toast. You know what, here, let me sit down.

-Yeah, go, you sit down. -Let me sit down.

-Yeah, go, you sit down. -Let me sit down.

No, you sit down, let me sit down.

No, you sit down, let me sit down.

-Come on. -All right.

-Come on. -All right.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Um… Hey, listen.

Um… Hey, listen.

-Before the toast comes, it's only right. -Yeah.

-Before the toast comes, it's only right. -Yeah.

Come sit on my knee.

Come sit on my knee.

Yes. No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

Yes. No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

-What the fuck are you talking about? -[Dwayne] No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

-What the fuck are you talking about? -[Dwayne] No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

-Shut up, Shane. -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-Shut up, Shane. -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-Sit on my knee. -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-Sit on my knee. -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

We're gonna show brotherly love.

We're gonna show brotherly love.

-You're gonna sit on my knee. -No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

-You're gonna sit on my knee. -No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

-[Chelsea] Do it! Do it! -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-[Chelsea] Do it! Do it! -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-[Chelsea] Everyone wants you to sit down. -Chelsea.

-[Chelsea] Everyone wants you to sit down. -Chelsea.

-I know you're gonna fucking do it. -Chelsea, shut the fuck up.

-I know you're gonna fucking do it. -Chelsea, shut the fuck up.

-Yes, yes. -No.

-Yes, yes. -No.

-No. Shane. -Yes.

-No. Shane. -Yes.

Katt Williams would be right. Katt Williams would be right.

Katt Williams would be right. Katt Williams would be right.

Shane, no.

Shane, no.

-Don't let Katt win. -Do you wanna see Kevin Hart

-Don't let Katt win. -Do you wanna see Kevin Hart

sit on my knee?

sit on my knee?

-[audience cheering, applauding] -There you go.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -There you go.

-Okay. -Sit on my knee.

-Okay. -Sit on my knee.

I got a-- I got a better question.

I got a-- I got a better question.

Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves?

Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves?

-Because I'm not fucking doing it! -[laughs]

-Because I'm not fucking doing it! -[laughs]

-No, man. -Come on.

-No, man. -Come on.

-[Kevin] No, fuck you, man. -[Dwayne] I-- I-- I really mean this.

-[Kevin] No, fuck you, man. -[Dwayne] I-- I-- I really mean this.

-No, I mean this, man. Fuck you. -Okay, well-- well, get close.

-No, I mean this, man. Fuck you. -Okay, well-- well, get close.

All right, I'll sit right here. I'll sit on this.

All right, I'll sit right here. I'll sit on this.

-All right, come on. -Okay.

-All right, come on. -Okay.

-Come on. -All right.

-Come on. -All right.

-To brotherhood, to friendship. -Absolutely.

-To brotherhood, to friendship. -Absolutely.

And I-- I am always in your corner.

And I-- I am always in your corner.

-Fucking love you. -And I love you, man.

-Fucking love you. -And I love you, man.

-I love you more, man. -I love you, too.

-I love you more, man. -I love you, too.

-Love you more. It's my brother, man. -[audience cheering, applauding]

-Love you more. It's my brother, man. -[audience cheering, applauding]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

That's not for you. That's good shit. Let me try this.

That's not for you. That's good shit. Let me try this.

That's good shit, too.

That's good shit, too.

Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you.

Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you.

-What the fuck are you talking about? -Get a good latch.

-What the fuck are you talking about? -Get a good latch.

What?

What?

My titties ain't sucking themselves, now you get down here

My titties ain't sucking themselves, now you get down here

-and you suck on this tit. -Hey, man-- [laughs]

-and you suck on this tit. -Hey, man-- [laughs]

Come on, get up, get up, sit down, sit down.

Come on, get up, get up, sit down, sit down.

Get the fuck off me, what is your fucking issue?

Get the fuck off me, what is your fucking issue?

Do you wanna see Kevin latch onto this nipple?

Do you wanna see Kevin latch onto this nipple?

Okay, all right, okay, all right, that's it.

Okay, all right, okay, all right, that's it.

-They do. Sit down. -That's it. Get the fuck out of here.

-They do. Sit down. -That's it. Get the fuck out of here.

-What do you mean-- -Get the fuck out of here!

-What do you mean-- -Get the fuck out of here!

-They ain't sucking themselves. -That's it. Fuck you, man.

-They ain't sucking themselves. -That's it. Fuck you, man.

-Get d-- [laughs] -Fuck you!

-Get d-- [laughs] -Fuck you!

-Get d-- -No, I'm not doing shit.

-Get d-- -No, I'm not doing shit.

Oh, now you don't want to do it because it's a live crowd?

Oh, now you don't want to do it because it's a live crowd?

-I don't want to do it because I'm-- -Oh, now you don't want to do it.

-I don't want to do it because I'm-- -Oh, now you don't want to do it.

-I've never sucked your fucking titties. -[Dwayne] You have. What do you mean?

-I've never sucked your fucking titties. -[Dwayne] You have. What do you mean?

Fuck you, DJ.

Fuck you, DJ.

[Dwayne] Oh, now you've never cradled my balls either?

[Dwayne] Oh, now you've never cradled my balls either?

You know what? Okay. All right. That's it.

You know what? Okay. All right. That's it.

-All right. That's it. That's it. -Okay, fine, all right.

-All right. That's it. That's it. -Okay, fine, all right.

-You're done. You're fucking done. -Fuck this.

-You're done. You're fucking done. -Fuck this.

-Wrap it up. -Sit down.

-Wrap it up. -Sit down.

-[Kevin] Wrap it up. -[Dwayne] Sit the fuck down.

-[Kevin] Wrap it up. -[Dwayne] Sit the fuck down.

Well, fuck you. Wrap it up.

Well, fuck you. Wrap it up.

Now you don't want to suck it.

Now you don't want to suck it.

-Okay, fine. -Fucking… bald--

-Okay, fine. -Fucking… bald--

-That's all right. -Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up.

-That's all right. -Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up.

[Dwayne] That's all right, that's all right.

[Dwayne] That's all right, that's all right.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Eniko, you know what's coming tonight.

Eniko, you know what's coming tonight.

-Okay, that's it. -[Kevin] Okay, all right.

-Okay, that's it. -[Kevin] Okay, all right.

Just a little this, this, this, this, this, this all night.

Just a little this, this, this, this, this, this all night.

Listen, all right.

Listen, all right.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Jesus.

Jesus.

You know…

You know…

This is why my jaws always hurt from hanging out with you--

This is why my jaws always hurt from hanging out with you--

-What the fuck does that mean? -No, no, no. No, no. I meant--

-What the fuck does that mean? -No, no, no. No, no. I meant--

-What the fuck are you saying, man? -You know what I meant.

-What the fuck are you saying, man? -You know what I meant.

I meant 'cause I laugh so fucking hard with this guy.

I meant 'cause I laugh so fucking hard with this guy.

-That's what I meant. All right? -[Kevin] Okay, well say that first.

-That's what I meant. All right? -[Kevin] Okay, well say that first.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

Jesus.

Jesus.

All right, the time has finally arrived.

All right, the time has finally arrived.

Just one more thing for him to suck at.

Just one more thing for him to suck at.

Clearly won't be my areola tonight, but ladies and gentlemen,

Clearly won't be my areola tonight, but ladies and gentlemen,

it is my honor to introduce my friend,

it is my honor to introduce my friend,

my brother, the one we are all here to celebrate here tonight

my brother, the one we are all here to celebrate here tonight

and everywhere around the world watching live on Netflix.

and everywhere around the world watching live on Netflix.

I love you, I'm fucking proud of you, and I will always have your back.

I love you, I'm fucking proud of you, and I will always have your back.

Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing]

-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing]

♪ Regardless, but this ain't no Kevin I'm heartless ♪

♪ Regardless, but this ain't no Kevin I'm heartless ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm the biggest, the largest ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm the biggest, the largest ♪

♪ Been stepping on cheese Since my mama lived in an apartment ♪

♪ Been stepping on cheese Since my mama lived in an apartment ♪

Wow.

Wow.

♪ But this ain't no Kevin, I'm heartless ♪

♪ But this ain't no Kevin, I'm heartless ♪

[Kevin] Um…

[Kevin] Um…

-[music concludes] -[audience cheering, applauding]

-[music concludes] -[audience cheering, applauding]

You know, the-- the rebuttal-- the rebuttal that I have in store,

You know, the-- the rebuttal-- the rebuttal that I have in store,

I don't think is, uh… is podium friendly.

I don't think is, uh… is podium friendly.

So y'all can get the podium the fuck out the way.

So y'all can get the podium the fuck out the way.

Let's-- Let's lower the fucking podium. Um…

Let's-- Let's lower the fucking podium. Um…

We heard a lot of shit tonight.

We heard a lot of shit tonight.

We heard a lot of shit tonight and like I told everybody on this day is,

We heard a lot of shit tonight and like I told everybody on this day is,

I said, "I want you to go as hard as you want

I said, "I want you to go as hard as you want

because I get the mic last."

because I get the mic last."

And unlike other roasts,

And unlike other roasts,

what they've never had is a polished fucking comedian

what they've never had is a polished fucking comedian

as such go last.

as such go last.

So what I wanna do,

So what I wanna do,

I wanna make you guys understand, like,

I wanna make you guys understand, like,

you basically have told me you want a real nigga tonight.

you basically have told me you want a real nigga tonight.

You want a real nigga here.

You want a real nigga here.

So you're gonna get a real nigga.

So you're gonna get a real nigga.

A real nigga is what you want, then a real nigga is what you will get.

A real nigga is what you want, then a real nigga is what you will get.

Okay?

Okay?

You want a real nigga response?

You want a real nigga response?

Then I'm gonna give you a real nigga response.

Then I'm gonna give you a real nigga response.

At this point, I wanna take the moment just to talk to my sponsors,

At this point, I wanna take the moment just to talk to my sponsors,

my business partners, my brand partnerships,

my business partners, my brand partnerships,

and I'm gonna tell you, for the next 15 minutes,

and I'm gonna tell you, for the next 15 minutes,

put a pause on our relationships,

put a pause on our relationships,

because what I'm about to do is not business friendly.

because what I'm about to do is not business friendly.

I'm going to be raw.

I'm going to be raw.

And when I say raw, I really mean raw.

And when I say raw, I really mean raw.

I'm talking raw like the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

I'm talking raw like the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

-Uh… -[audience laughing]

-Uh… -[audience laughing]

There's no skin there. There's no skin at all.

There's no skin there. There's no skin at all.

Raw, like the dick that Chelsea Handler takes.

Raw, like the dick that Chelsea Handler takes.

We're gonna go raw tonight.

We're gonna go raw tonight.

Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole when Joe Rogan finishes.

Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole when Joe Rogan finishes.

We're gonna go raw.

We're gonna go raw.

In order to be raw, I need my bitch.

In order to be raw, I need my bitch.

Give me my bitch, please.

Give me my bitch, please.

-[gun cocking] -Yeah.

-[gun cocking] -Yeah.

Do me a favor, cock it again. Let me make sure it's loaded.

Do me a favor, cock it again. Let me make sure it's loaded.

-[gun cocking] -One more time.

-[gun cocking] -One more time.

-[gun cocking] -Yeah, because I'm about

-[gun cocking] -Yeah, because I'm about

to take shots, okay?

to take shots, okay?

Boy, oh boy.

Boy, oh boy.

We're going to start with Dwayne, my friend the Rock.

We're going to start with Dwayne, my friend the Rock.

Fuck, man.

Fuck, man.

He shocked me. He fucking shocked me.

He shocked me. He fucking shocked me.

I didn't know he was going to be here, he came.

I didn't know he was going to be here, he came.

And it's crazy because that's my friend. Like, we're really close.

And it's crazy because that's my friend. Like, we're really close.

And, you know, a lot of people have said bad things

And, you know, a lot of people have said bad things

about Dwayne, and I've taken up for them.

about Dwayne, and I've taken up for them.

A lot of people have said that Dwayne is on Ozempic.

A lot of people have said that Dwayne is on Ozempic.

They thought he was on fucking Ozempic.

They thought he was on fucking Ozempic.

I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic.

I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic.

That's not Ozempic.

That's not Ozempic.

I'm here to tell you guys tonight that what you're looking at…

I'm here to tell you guys tonight that what you're looking at…

is full-blown AIDS, okay?

is full-blown AIDS, okay?

That's AIDS. Hit him in the head one time.

That's AIDS. Hit him in the head one time.

-[gunshot] -Yeah,

-[gunshot] -Yeah,

we're gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

we're gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I'm not talking about the good stuff, not the Magic Johnson AIDS.

I'm not talking about the good stuff, not the Magic Johnson AIDS.

What you're looking at is Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia AIDS.

What you're looking at is Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia AIDS.

The-- The-- Yeah, the AIDS-- [laughs]

The-- The-- Yeah, the AIDS-- [laughs]

The AIDS that takes your body weight like that,

The AIDS that takes your body weight like that,

that gives you a drastic change over-fucking-night.

that gives you a drastic change over-fucking-night.

Fuck him. Do me a favor.

Fuck him. Do me a favor.

-Hit him in the head one more time. -[gunshot]

-Hit him in the head one more time. -[gunshot]

Yeah!

Yeah!

I'm gonna fucking shoot the fuck out of you all night, DJ.

I'm gonna fucking shoot the fuck out of you all night, DJ.

-[inaudible] -No, it's not enough.

-[inaudible] -No, it's not enough.

No, it's not, because you're starting to look weird.

No, it's not, because you're starting to look weird.

It's starting to look bad. You look like a--

It's starting to look bad. You look like a--

You look like a ninja turtle with no shell.

You look like a ninja turtle with no shell.

You look like a fucking… [laughs]

You look like a fucking… [laughs]

Yeah! Shoot him again!

Yeah! Shoot him again!

-[gunshot] -Yeah!

-[gunshot] -Yeah!

Fuck him!

Fuck him!

You know, I've been talking to Sony.

You know, I've been talking to Sony.

I told Sony that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now

I told Sony that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now

because I don't know if we have much time left with DJ. [laughs]

because I don't know if we have much time left with DJ. [laughs]

He could die soon.

He could die soon.

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

-[chuckles] -[audience laughing]

I'm not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock.

I'm not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock.

Close friends we are, man.

Close friends we are, man.

We used to teach each other a lot of things.

We used to teach each other a lot of things.

Like, honestly, DJ told me how to do movie stunts.

Like, honestly, DJ told me how to do movie stunts.

I know how to do movie stunts because of him, right?

I know how to do movie stunts because of him, right?

I told him things in return.

I told him things in return.

I taught him how to sound out words.

I taught him how to sound out words.

-"Sound it out." -[audience laughing]

-"Sound it out." -[audience laughing]

"Sound it out."

"Sound it out."

I taught him how to point at images of fruit

I taught him how to point at images of fruit

so we could know what he wanted to eat on set.

so we could know what he wanted to eat on set.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

"Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes."

"Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes."

That's a caveman joke.

That's a caveman joke.

Shane, I bet you thought it was a monkey joke, you racist fuck.

Shane, I bet you thought it was a monkey joke, you racist fuck.

I know you did.

I know you did.

You know, listen to this, man.

You know, listen to this, man.

You know, most people don't know the things

You know, most people don't know the things

that I know about DJ, man. The Rock is half Black.

that I know about DJ, man. The Rock is half Black.

I know it was mentioned tonight.

I know it was mentioned tonight.

Uh, he is. He's half Black.

Uh, he is. He's half Black.

And a lot of people don't really know that.

And a lot of people don't really know that.

Nobody else knows that.

Nobody else knows that.

You know who else doesn't know that?

You know who else doesn't know that?

Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

He's half Black and half Samoan.

He's half Black and half Samoan.

You know what I wish?

You know what I wish?

I wish he would do some more Black shit.

I wish he would do some more Black shit.

That's what I do.

That's what I do.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

All this barefoot hula hoopin' shit.

All this barefoot hula hoopin' shit.

All this hukule, hukule, hukule, hukule shit.

All this hukule, hukule, hukule, hukule shit.

Don't nobody wanna see your big ass with no fuckin' grass dress on,

Don't nobody wanna see your big ass with no fuckin' grass dress on,

hukulein' all fuckin' day.

hukulein' all fuckin' day.

Put on some Air Force Ones, nigga, I'm sick of seein' it.

Put on some Air Force Ones, nigga, I'm sick of seein' it.

I'ma-- I'ma take you down one by one.

I'ma-- I'ma take you down one by one.

Shane Gillis.

Shane Gillis.

Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host.

Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host.

Show him some love.

Show him some love.

[audience applauding]

[audience applauding]

[Kevin] Seriously, what a good set.

[Kevin] Seriously, what a good set.

What a good set.

What a good set.

I'll be honest with you guys, Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away

I'll be honest with you guys, Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away

from calling me a "nigger" on this stage tonight.

from calling me a "nigger" on this stage tonight.

-[audience laughing] -[Kevin laughing]

-[audience laughing] -[Kevin laughing]

One Bud Light.

One Bud Light.

"Nigger!" He wanted to say it.

"Nigger!" He wanted to say it.

Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

He is.

He is.

My Mount Rushmore of racism,

My Mount Rushmore of racism,

like when it comes to hating Black people, Shane Gillis,

like when it comes to hating Black people, Shane Gillis,

Kid Rock,

Kid Rock,

Hulk Hogan,

Hulk Hogan,

Stephen A. Smith. Those are my four people…

Stephen A. Smith. Those are my four people…

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

…when it comes to hating Black people.

…when it comes to hating Black people.

Shane Gillis is what happens when you let those people

Shane Gillis is what happens when you let those people

on Love on the Spectrum fuck.

on Love on the Spectrum fuck.

That's what happens.

That's what happens.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

[Kevin] They make one of those.

[Kevin] They make one of those.

Don't let them people fuck.

Don't let them people fuck.

You gonna get another Shane Gillis. [laughs]

You gonna get another Shane Gillis. [laughs]

Shane is what happens when you give a Down syndrome baby

Shane is what happens when you give a Down syndrome baby

human growth hormone. That's what happens.

human growth hormone. That's what happens.

Don't rush the process.

Don't rush the process.

Shane is autistic.

Shane is autistic.

Shane is autistic, and Chelsea is a whore.

Shane is autistic, and Chelsea is a whore.

-Um… -[audience laughing]

-Um… -[audience laughing]

They both love trains, but for different reasons.

They both love trains, but for different reasons.

[laughs]

[laughs]

-Hit him! Hit him! Yeah! -[gunshots]

-Hit him! Hit him! Yeah! -[gunshots]

Fuck!

Fuck!

This is a good time for me to talk to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

This is a good time for me to talk to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

Cash back with every purchase you get with us.

Cash back with every purchase you get with us.

-[audience laughing] -Uh…

-[audience laughing] -Uh…

Everybody's been getting on my girl Chelsea

Everybody's been getting on my girl Chelsea

all night for being a whore.

all night for being a whore.

Everybody, stop.

Everybody, stop.

Chelsea isn't just a whore.

Chelsea isn't just a whore.

She's also old. Chelsea's old.

She's also old. Chelsea's old.

-[audience laughing] -[Kevin] You know what you need?

-[audience laughing] -[Kevin] You know what you need?

You need lube to slide into Chelsea's DMs. [chuckles]

You need lube to slide into Chelsea's DMs. [chuckles]

You're right, Rock, you're right.

You're right, Rock, you're right.

Her pussy-- Her pussy was recognized.

Her pussy-- Her pussy was recognized.

She did get that BET award.

She did get that BET award.

Um, only-- You only get that award though,

Um, only-- You only get that award though,

you only get that award if you fuck 50 Cent, and that's a fact.

you only get that award if you fuck 50 Cent, and that's a fact.

I'm sorry, I read the prompter wrong.

I'm sorry, I read the prompter wrong.

Nope, is if you fuck 50 niggas.

Nope, is if you fuck 50 niggas.

You get that award if you fuck 50 niggas. Sorry, Chelsea.

You get that award if you fuck 50 niggas. Sorry, Chelsea.

That's my bad.

That's my bad.

Draymond Green's here.

Draymond Green's here.

-Hey, Draymond. -[audience jeering]

-Hey, Draymond. -[audience jeering]

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Draymond's only here because he's not in the playoffs.

Well, Draymond's only here because he's not in the playoffs.

That's the only reason why he's here.

That's the only reason why he's here.

-Hit him! -[gunshot]

-Hit him! -[gunshot]

Yeah, head shot. Fuck you, Draymond.

Yeah, head shot. Fuck you, Draymond.

Everybody attacked my fucking sisters tonight.

Everybody attacked my fucking sisters tonight.

A lot of Black women on this stage.

A lot of Black women on this stage.

Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina.

Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina.

Teyana came out here.

Teyana came out here.

What I'm not gonna do is be a Black man and talk about my fucking sisters

What I'm not gonna do is be a Black man and talk about my fucking sisters

on this stage live on Netflix

on this stage live on Netflix

in front of millions of fucking people, not me.

in front of millions of fucking people, not me.

I'm not gonna give you that.

I'm not gonna give you that.

I'm not gonna give these crackers that luxury.

I'm not gonna give these crackers that luxury.

Y'all don't know what these women have been through.

Y'all don't know what these women have been through.

None of these women have a fucking man.

None of these women have a fucking man.

None of them. None of them.

None of them. None of them.

-[audience laughing] -None of them.

-[audience laughing] -None of them.

They're home alone at night

They're home alone at night

in their giant mansions,

in their giant mansions,

eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets, watching TV.

eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets, watching TV.

I'm not gonna stand here in front of all these fucking white people

I'm not gonna stand here in front of all these fucking white people

and disrespect these lonely bitches. [laughs]

and disrespect these lonely bitches. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I wanna thank my sisters for coming. I love you, Jean.

I wanna thank my sisters for coming. I love you, Jean.

I love you. I love you, Lizzo. I love you, Sheryl.

I love you. I love you, Lizzo. I love you, Sheryl.

We got a spades game every Tuesday. [laughs]

We got a spades game every Tuesday. [laughs]

Boy, oh boy, y'all got Katt Williams to come out here, huh?

Boy, oh boy, y'all got Katt Williams to come out here, huh?

-[audience cheering] -Katt Williams.

-[audience cheering] -Katt Williams.

Katt Williams came out here.

Katt Williams came out here.

You know, this is the time to, like, really make everybody realize.

You know, this is the time to, like, really make everybody realize.

Everybody has said tonight that I can't act.

Everybody has said tonight that I can't act.

"Kevin cannot act."

"Kevin cannot act."

What I want you to do is go back

What I want you to do is go back

and look at that moment where I shook Katt's hand and I looked him in the eye

and look at that moment where I shook Katt's hand and I looked him in the eye

and I said, "I just want us to be friends."

and I said, "I just want us to be friends."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Some of the best fucking acting that I've ever did in my career.

Some of the best fucking acting that I've ever did in my career.

I did not mean one word of what I said.

I did not mean one word of what I said.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar. He's a liar!

Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar. He's a liar!

Y'all been believing that little nigga's shit for years.

Y'all been believing that little nigga's shit for years.

Katt has lied on me about so much shit. It's ridiculous, man.

Katt has lied on me about so much shit. It's ridiculous, man.

Y'all only believe it because he uses words

Y'all only believe it because he uses words

that you haven't heard in a long time.

that you haven't heard in a long time.

Words like "restaurant" or "amenities," shit like that.

Words like "restaurant" or "amenities," shit like that.

Katt said that I went to Diddy parties. "Kev-- Kev been to Diddy parties."

Katt said that I went to Diddy parties. "Kev-- Kev been to Diddy parties."

"Kev always goes to Diddy parties." I ain't been to no fucking Diddy parties.

"Kev always goes to Diddy parties." I ain't been to no fucking Diddy parties.

I went to one party, and this is the truth,

I went to one party, and this is the truth,

-I went to one fucking party. -[audience laughing]

-I went to one fucking party. -[audience laughing]

I went to one fucking party, okay?

I went to one fucking party, okay?

And the only reason why that little nigga know I was there

And the only reason why that little nigga know I was there

is 'cause he was there. Katt was at the same fucking party.

is 'cause he was there. Katt was at the same fucking party.

I saw him, he saw me.

I saw him, he saw me.

He said… [shushes] Fuck you, nigga, tell the truth.

He said… [shushes] Fuck you, nigga, tell the truth.

Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

We was at the same fucking party.

We was at the same fucking party.

I ain't no snitch, I ain't no snitch, but a lot of people was there.

I ain't no snitch, I ain't no snitch, but a lot of people was there.

Shaq was there, Usher was there.

Shaq was there, Usher was there.

Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there, he was DJing.

Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there, he was DJing.

The Roots were there.

The Roots were there.

Y'all didn't do nothing, but I saw y'all too.

Y'all didn't do nothing, but I saw y'all too.

He's a fucking liar!

He's a fucking liar!

Stop believing this nigga lies!

Stop believing this nigga lies!

Katt told y'all he read 3,000 books a year.

Katt told y'all he read 3,000 books a year.

He said that. He said, "I read 3,000 books a year."

He said that. He said, "I read 3,000 books a year."

All right, well, let's unpack it.

All right, well, let's unpack it.

Let's talk about the books that you didn't fucking read.

Let's talk about the books that you didn't fucking read.

That's what I want to talk about. What are the books that you didn't read?

That's what I want to talk about. What are the books that you didn't read?

I'll tell you what it was.

I'll tell you what it was.

He obviously didn't read his probation paperwork.

He obviously didn't read his probation paperwork.

I'll tell you that. That nigga didn't read that.

I'll tell you that. That nigga didn't read that.

He didn't read, he didn't… [laughs]

He didn't read, he didn't… [laughs]

He didn't read-- He didn't read the room

He didn't read-- He didn't read the room

when that little 12-year-old choked him the fuck out.

when that little 12-year-old choked him the fuck out.

-I'll tell you that. -[audience laughing]

-I'll tell you that. -[audience laughing]

I don't give a fuck how bad things get in my life.

I don't give a fuck how bad things get in my life.

I ain't never been choked out by no fucking kid.

I ain't never been choked out by no fucking kid.

You know it's bad when you start asking people where his parents at.

You know it's bad when you start asking people where his parents at.

"Whose kid is this?"

"Whose kid is this?"

I don't know nigga, you lost. You fucking lost.

I don't know nigga, you lost. You fucking lost.

"Why was he there?" [laughs]

"Why was he there?" [laughs]

Katt Williams came out here in a goddamn cape.

Katt Williams came out here in a goddamn cape.

I've never seen Katt in a regular suit, not one time.

I've never seen Katt in a regular suit, not one time.

I've never seen it.

I've never seen it.

Only time I've seen him in a suit was a lawsuit.

Only time I've seen him in a suit was a lawsuit.

That's the only time I've seen Katt in a fucking suit.

That's the only time I've seen Katt in a fucking suit.

A double-breasted lawsuit. That nigga got a bunch of cases.

A double-breasted lawsuit. That nigga got a bunch of cases.

Katt said tonight that I took all his movies that he turned down.

Katt said tonight that I took all his movies that he turned down.

He said that. He fucking said that.

He said that. He fucking said that.

You sat there and laughed at it. "Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!"

You sat there and laughed at it. "Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!"

This must be the fucking truth. All right, well, let's unpack it.

This must be the fucking truth. All right, well, let's unpack it.

Let's unpack it.

Let's unpack it.

Katt said, I turned down all his roles. Okay, well, let's talk about it, Katt.

Katt said, I turned down all his roles. Okay, well, let's talk about it, Katt.

So you're telling me-- you're telling me that you turned down

So you're telling me-- you're telling me that you turned down

Jumanji 1, 2, 3, Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence,

Jumanji 1, 2, 3, Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence,

Think Like a Man 1, 2, The Upside, About Last Night,

Think Like a Man 1, 2, The Upside, About Last Night,

40-Year-Old Virgin, High School, Night School, Me Time,

40-Year-Old Virgin, High School, Night School, Me Time,

Borderlands, Man from Toronto,

Borderlands, Man from Toronto,

-all… -[audience cheering]

-all… -[audience cheering]

…so you could do a cameo in Norbit?

…so you could do a cameo in Norbit?

Is that what the fuck you're telling me, Katt?

Is that what the fuck you're telling me, Katt?

Katt, you can't be in my fucking movies.

Katt, you can't be in my fucking movies.

You think they want a fucking pimp in Jumanji?

You think they want a fucking pimp in Jumanji?

-Is that what the fuck you think we need? -[audience laughing]

-Is that what the fuck you think we need? -[audience laughing]

Ain't no hoes in Jumanji. What the fuck is Katt doing in Jumanji?

Ain't no hoes in Jumanji. What the fuck is Katt doing in Jumanji?

[imitating Katt] Hey bitch, get out the tree.

[imitating Katt] Hey bitch, get out the tree.

[in normal voice] What the fuck? We don't need that.

[in normal voice] What the fuck? We don't need that.

The fuck are you doing?

The fuck are you doing?

It's the big leagues up here.

It's the big leagues up here.

I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

I gotta stop on Katt because it's not good for all these white people

I gotta stop on Katt because it's not good for all these white people

to see two Black people fighting.

to see two Black people fighting.

Two little niggas fighting.

Two little niggas fighting.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

We're too small to have the beef that we had.

We're too small to have the beef that we had.

So, Katt, it's over.

So, Katt, it's over.

The beef is over between me and Katt.

The beef is over between me and Katt.

And on a serious note, I love the fact

And on a serious note, I love the fact

that that man showed up tonight and he showed out.

that that man showed up tonight and he showed out.

Katt showed the fuck out.

Katt showed the fuck out.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

I love that. I love that he shined, man.

I love that. I love that he shined, man.

I love that we were able to look each other in the eyes,

I love that we were able to look each other in the eyes,

shake each other's hands.

shake each other's hands.

And I meant what I said. I did.

And I meant what I said. I did.

I really did. I meant what the fuck I said, man.

I really did. I meant what the fuck I said, man.

That beef is over.

That beef is over.

Me and Kat are friends from today moving forward, okay?

Me and Kat are friends from today moving forward, okay?

We're friends from today moving forward.

We're friends from today moving forward.

[audience applauding]

[audience applauding]

I just want to do a quick check. Uh…

I just want to do a quick check. Uh…

Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

[Kevin] Are your feet swelled up? You okay?

[Kevin] Are your feet swelled up? You okay?

-They are, but it's okay. -[Kevin] You want a Snickers? All right.

-They are, but it's okay. -[Kevin] You want a Snickers? All right.

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[audience laughing]

Uh, Pete Davidson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, Pete Davidson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Pete Davidson is here.

Pete Davidson is here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you is bad because I like you.

Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you is bad because I like you.

Me and you actually get along, so it's tough to roast you.

Me and you actually get along, so it's tough to roast you.

I don't really have a roast. I just have questions.

I don't really have a roast. I just have questions.

[audience chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

It's not even a question.

It's not even a question.

It's like, "Oh, I'm happy to see Pete outside."

It's like, "Oh, I'm happy to see Pete outside."

You never see Pete during the daytime. Pete is weird.

You never see Pete during the daytime. Pete is weird.

Scared of the sunlight. [screeches, hisses]

Scared of the sunlight. [screeches, hisses]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

I feel like Pete wants to be Black, but he don't want to say it.

I feel like Pete wants to be Black, but he don't want to say it.

[audience chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

He does. He's done a lot of Black shit.

He does. He's done a lot of Black shit.

Pete, let's see, let's break it down.

Pete, let's see, let's break it down.

He's got a child out of wedlock. Uh…

He's got a child out of wedlock. Uh…

He dated Kim Kardashian.

He dated Kim Kardashian.

He grew up without knowing his father.

He grew up without knowing his father.

I mean, Pete, if you wanna be Black so bad,

I mean, Pete, if you wanna be Black so bad,

just fuck Chelsea Handler and don't call her in the morning.

just fuck Chelsea Handler and don't call her in the morning.

[laughs]

[laughs]

You can-- You can get away with it, Pete.

You can-- You can get away with it, Pete.

Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks. [chuckles]

Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks. [chuckles]

-You fuck, Pete. -[inaudible]

-You fuck, Pete. -[inaudible]

[Kevin] Fuck you. That's it. That's enough.

[Kevin] Fuck you. That's it. That's enough.

Edit that out, what Pete just said.

Edit that out, what Pete just said.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

I want to go to Jeff Ross.

I want to go to Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually…

Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually…

-[inaudible] -He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh…

-[inaudible] -He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh…

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem,

Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem,

that couldn't sit through the show.

that couldn't sit through the show.

Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer.

Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer.

-[audience cheering] -Yeah.

-[audience cheering] -Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um…

Um…

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer.

I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer.

I think the cancer just left. I do.

I think the cancer just left. I do.

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

-[audience laughing] -[laughs]

I also-- I also think Jeff looked better with cancer.

I also-- I also think Jeff looked better with cancer.

I don't think-- I think he looks worse without the cancer.

I don't think-- I think he looks worse without the cancer.

This is the one time where I would ask somebody,

This is the one time where I would ask somebody,

can you get the cancer back?

can you get the cancer back?

Like, can we put it back, Jeff?

Like, can we put it back, Jeff?

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony, what a set tonight.

Tony, what a set tonight.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Kevin] Tony, you fuckin' crushed tonight.

[Kevin] Tony, you fuckin' crushed tonight.

Everybody thinks Tony's gay, too.

Everybody thinks Tony's gay, too.

Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony. Tony's not gay.

Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony. Tony's not gay.

Tony is not gay!

Tony is not gay!

-Tony just likes suckin' dick. -[audience laughing]

-Tony just likes suckin' dick. -[audience laughing]

[Kevin] It's a big difference.

[Kevin] It's a big difference.

I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

That's proof that Joe Rogan likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just…

That's proof that Joe Rogan likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just…

Tony's really not gay, though, man.

Tony's really not gay, though, man.

Like, he just fuck-- Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

Like, he just fuck-- Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

Out the corner of my eye, it looked like the Kool-Aid man

Out the corner of my eye, it looked like the Kool-Aid man

just came out the set.

just came out the set.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

-I mean, what the fuck was that? -I love it.

-I mean, what the fuck was that? -I love it.

The fact that you thought you were sneaking just now, Jeff.

The fact that you thought you were sneaking just now, Jeff.

I've never heard leather pants make more noise in my life.

I've never heard leather pants make more noise in my life.

[squelches]

[squelches]

Fuck.

Fuck.

I just don't know where Jeff is getting the money

I just don't know where Jeff is getting the money

to fucking do the things he does.

to fucking do the things he does.

Like, I really don't. Jeff, zip the jacket up.

Like, I really don't. Jeff, zip the jacket up.

Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

Je-- [laughs]

Je-- [laughs]

Jeff looks like an insect that you study in biology.

Jeff looks like an insect that you study in biology.

"So what did you-- So I got a what?"

"So what did you-- So I got a what?"

"The heart is where?"

"The heart is where?"

At this time, I just want to say, I'm sorry, Walmart,

At this time, I just want to say, I'm sorry, Walmart,

you're doing amazing things, rolling back prices.

you're doing amazing things, rolling back prices.

-Keep it going. -[audience laughing]

-Keep it going. -[audience laughing]

You know, guys, in this night, I wanna say some people have shined.

You know, guys, in this night, I wanna say some people have shined.

Honestly.

Honestly.

-Na’im, I'm so proud of you, brother. -[gentle music playing]

-Na’im, I'm so proud of you, brother. -[gentle music playing]

You came up here, you did what the fuck you was supposed to do.

You came up here, you did what the fuck you was supposed to do.

And I just wanna say that I'm extremely… I'm extremely richer

And I just wanna say that I'm extremely… I'm extremely richer

than everybody that you see on this stage.

than everybody that you see on this stage.

And my biggest fear is waking up one day

And my biggest fear is waking up one day

with any of these bitches' bank accounts.

with any of these bitches' bank accounts.

I don't know how I would live.

I don't know how I would live.

I don't know how I would survive. My kids, what would we do?

I don't know how I would survive. My kids, what would we do?

I mean, DJ, you got money, but after you have to spend it

I mean, DJ, you got money, but after you have to spend it

on the AIDS medicine, I just don't know how much you'll have left.

on the AIDS medicine, I just don't know how much you'll have left.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

You guys wanted the real nigga up here tonight,

You guys wanted the real nigga up here tonight,

and that's exactly what you got.

and that's exactly what you got.

So I'm gonna leave this stage in true real nigga fashion.

So I'm gonna leave this stage in true real nigga fashion.

That's by showing off.

That's by showing off.

I want to give a shout out to all my partners,

I want to give a shout out to all my partners,

all of my ecosystem,

all of my ecosystem,

the people that make the world of Kevin Hart go around.

the people that make the world of Kevin Hart go around.

Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

Burn Boot Camp, I love you.

Burn Boot Camp, I love you.

C4 Energy, I love you.

C4 Energy, I love you.

DraftKings, Fabletics, Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat,

DraftKings, Fabletics, Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat,

JPMorgan Chase, Michelob, NBC Universal, Qatar Airways,

JPMorgan Chase, Michelob, NBC Universal, Qatar Airways,

SharkNinja, SiriusXM, Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon,

SharkNinja, SiriusXM, Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon,

Vita Hustle, and of course, my partners here at Netflix.

Vita Hustle, and of course, my partners here at Netflix.

These are words that you will never say because you guys are losers.

These are words that you will never say because you guys are losers.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

See, guys, I'm just a little kid from Philadelphia,

See, guys, I'm just a little kid from Philadelphia,

and I prayed for nights like this.

and I prayed for nights like this.

And what I want you guys to know is this.

And what I want you guys to know is this.

If I don't celebrate myself, then who else will?

If I don't celebrate myself, then who else will?

At the end of the day, I'm proud of myself.

At the end of the day, I'm proud of myself.

And what you've been smelling all night is me because I'm the shit.

And what you've been smelling all night is me because I'm the shit.

And at the end of the day, I'm him, and he is me,

And at the end of the day, I'm him, and he is me,

and together we make we.

and together we make we.

Philadelphia, you should stand up.

Philadelphia, you should stand up.

Happy Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day.

Eniko, I love you.

Eniko, I love you.

And motherfucker, I'm off. Let's go!

And motherfucker, I'm off. Let's go!

♪ I say, hold on, wait a minute. ♪

♪ I say, hold on, wait a minute. ♪

♪ Y'all thought I was finished? ♪

♪ Y'all thought I was finished? ♪

♪ When I bought that Aston Martin Y'all thought it was rented? ♪

♪ When I bought that Aston Martin Y'all thought it was rented? ♪

♪ Flexin' on these niggas I'm like Popeye on his… ♪

♪ Flexin' on these niggas I'm like Popeye on his… ♪

♪ Double M, yeah, that's my team, Rozay the captain, I'm lieu-- ♪

♪ Double M, yeah, that's my team, Rozay the captain, I'm lieu-- ♪

♪ I'm the type to count a million cash Then grind like I'm broke ♪

♪ I'm the type to count a million cash Then grind like I'm broke ♪

♪ That Lambo, my new bitch She don't ride like my… ♪

♪ That Lambo, my new bitch She don't ride like my… ♪

♪ I'm ridin' around my city With my hand strapped to my toes ♪

♪ I'm ridin' around my city With my hand strapped to my toes ♪

♪ 'Cause these niggas want me dead And I gotta make it back ♪

♪ 'Cause these niggas want me dead And I gotta make it back ♪

♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some ♪

♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some ♪

♪ These niggas tryna take my life They fuck around, get… ♪

♪ These niggas tryna take my life They fuck around, get… ♪

♪ You fuck around, you fuck around You fuck around, get smoked ♪

♪ You fuck around, you fuck around You fuck around, get smoked ♪

♪ 'Cause these Philly niggas I brought with me don't fuck around ♪

♪ 'Cause these Philly niggas I brought with me don't fuck around ♪

♪ All I know is murder When it come to me ♪

♪ All I know is murder When it come to me ♪

♪ I got young niggas that's rollin' I got niggas throwin' ♪

♪ I got young niggas that's rollin' I got niggas throwin' ♪

♪ I done did the DOA's, I done did the KOD's ♪

♪ I done did the DOA's, I done did the KOD's ♪

♪ Every time I'm in that bitch I get to… ♪

♪ Every time I'm in that bitch I get to… ♪

♪ But now I'm hangin' out that drop head I'm ridin' down on Collins ♪

♪ But now I'm hangin' out that drop head I'm ridin' down on Collins ♪

♪ They let my nigga Ern back home That young nigga be wildin' ♪

♪ They let my nigga Ern back home That young nigga be wildin' ♪

♪ We young niggas, we mobbin' Like Batman and we're… ♪

♪ We young niggas, we mobbin' Like Batman and we're… ♪

♪ In this two-door Maybach With my seat all reclinin' ♪

♪ In this two-door Maybach With my seat all reclinin' ♪

♪ I say, "Real nigga, what up? Real nigga, what up?" ♪

♪ I say, "Real nigga, what up? Real nigga, what up?" ♪

♪ If you ain't about that murder game, then pussy nigga, shut up ♪

♪ If you ain't about that murder game, then pussy nigga, shut up ♪

[raps indistinctly]

[raps indistinctly]

♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪

♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some milk ♪

♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some milk ♪

♪ These niggas want me dead But they fuck around, get killed ♪

♪ These niggas want me dead But they fuck around, get killed ♪

♪ You fuck around, you-- ♪

♪ You fuck around, you-- ♪

♪ You gonna remember me ♪

♪ You gonna remember me ♪

♪ They gon' remember me ♪

♪ They gon' remember me ♪

♪ So much money Have yo' friends turn in yo' enemies ♪

♪ So much money Have yo' friends turn in yo' enemies ♪

♪ And when there's beef I turn my enemies to-- ♪

♪ And when there's beef I turn my enemies to-- ♪

♪ With them bricks they go for 40 Ain't no 10 a key ♪

♪ With them bricks they go for 40 Ain't no 10 a key ♪

♪ Hold up, broke nigga turned rich Love the game like Mitch ♪

♪ Hold up, broke nigga turned rich Love the game like Mitch ♪

♪ And if I leave, you think them pretty Hoes gon' still suck my… ♪

♪ And if I leave, you think them pretty Hoes gon' still suck my… ♪

♪ It was somethin' about that Rollie When it first touched that… ♪

♪ It was somethin' about that Rollie When it first touched that… ♪

♪ Had me feelin' like that dope boy When he first touched that brick ♪

♪ Had me feelin' like that dope boy When he first touched that brick ♪

♪ I'm gone ♪

♪ I'm gone ♪

Philadelphia.

Philadelphia.

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[Kevin] Stand up!

[Kevin] Stand up!

Meek Mill! The Roots!

Meek Mill! The Roots!

Shane Gillis!

Shane Gillis!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!

Bitch! I'm Kevin Hart,

Bitch! I'm Kevin Hart,

and you will remember me. I'm gone.

and you will remember me. I'm gone.

[music concludes]

[music concludes]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience cheering, applauding]