Original subtitles

Ta-da!

Oh!

Pshew.

Nutsack!

Good evening. Welcome to the 9th and penultimate episode of Taskmaster.

Earlier this year, I set five comedians a series of tasks

designed to test their wits, strength,

creativity, and most of all, to make full grown adults look very silly.

Only one will be crowned Taskmaster champion,

and they will receive this most splendid golden head.

They can cherish it, worship it, and when times get tough, sell it on Trade Me.

Let's meet our comedians. They are, as they have always been,

Angella Dravid

Brynley Stent

Guy Williams

Leigh Hart

and Madeleine Sami.

I did an Angella.

And to my left, my assistant. He's the service dog of the show -

loyal, obedient to a fault, and you aren't allowed

to pat him while he's working. It's Paul Williams.

What are you doing? What-? What's-? What's this about?

Has anyone ever tried to tell you that Rome wasn't built in a day?

Yeah, it's a common saying, yeah.

Yeah, well, I get told it all the time

to the point where it's starting to get a little bit suspicious.

I now have a theory that Rome was built in a day.

Why else would people be denying it when we weren't

even discussing the construction time of Rome?

And that explains why the buildings are all crumbly.

So, all I'm saying is, ask questions, do your own research.

It's that time of day, so why not introduce our first task, Paul?

Our first task, as always, is a prize task.

Each comedian was asked to bring along something they own

and risk it all by donating it to our prize haul.

This week - a thing that hasn't aged well.

Ooh.

The person with the most points at the end of the show

will get to take home all five things that haven't aged well,

whether they like it or not.

Ok, we'll start with someone who has aged well, and that is Guy Williams.

Well, my thing that hasn't aged well

is my Bill Cosby CD collection.

No further comment necessary.

I mean, have you listened to them recently? Do they still hold up?

No, it's no good. There's just a few... I don't want to talk about it.

You brought them in.

Anything he says about Bill Cosby won't age well, as well.

Yeah, well, this is the thing. I mean, you've decided now

in 2020 to get rid of these Bill Cosby CDs.

You didn't think about it last year? Or before that? Now is the time?

I didn't have them on my shelf. They were in the garage, like, stored far away.

- Sure they were - Very suspicious.

- Mads, what did you bring in today? - Blue cheese.

Oh, hold on for a second. I mean by its very nature, it's aged well. Look at it.

It's disgusting. It's mould in cheese. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I was just thinking it's weird that we're ok with blue veins in cheese,

but when you see it on people's legs...

When you see it on people's legs, when you see mould on a ceiling.

It's the kind of thing the government's clamping down on. And yet we eat this.

We put this in our body, and then we complain about it everywhere else.

- Oh, a clap. Thank you. - Wow.

- They gave you a clap for that. - Got some lactose-free fans out there.

- Leigh, what did you bring in today? - Yeah,

my uncle Hank a few years back...

- Is this the same uncle from last episode? - Yeah.

He almost made us multimillionaires in the family.

What he came up with was cassette shoes, so...

So what you see here that- I mean that- the concept

there, of course, you know, you can have your own music.

So you can actually tape from one shoe to the other.

So you could- you know, you could make a mix tape on one shoe from your other tapes.

- Those aren't Bill Cosby tapes, are they? - No, no, they're not.

Whatever tapes they are, they're stuck in there now, because they won't come out.

But there you go. Whoever wins those will be taking home one hell of a prize.

Angella, what did you bring in for us?

I brought a floppy disc with a picture of an outdated hairstyle.

Would you say that I haven't aged well or that I just didn't youth well?

I was gonna put a current photo, but I thought that was harsh.

Brynley.

I brought in my dinner from two and a half weeks ago.

And it's a bowl made out of Bill Cosby's Fatherhood book.

- Please tell me that's cheese on the top. - No, no, that's mould, yeah.

Or is it cheese? You know what I'm saying?

I think it's frosted tips.

So, what's happened to the rest of the Bill Cosby Fatherhood book?

In the bin, baby.

See, that's good. Although, again, too late for putting that book in the bin.

No, I- Yeah, I- yeah. I bought it for the making of...

- Oh. - Yeah. I felt bad buying it.

And then, yeah, it came in the mail, and I was like,

'Ooh, it's a package. What is this? I forgot

what I-' And I open it in front of everyone,

and they were like, 'Ooh.'

Did the person selling it on Trade Me say anything when you bid?

Were they like, 'Hey, um, you might wanna do some googling real quick.'

Time to score.

Mads, one point for you, because blue cheese is delicious.

Angella, I'm sick of what you're doing to me.

This is the second week in a row where you have harassed me,

and time's up on that, so you're two points.

Wow.

Guy, there's actually some quite good material

in those CDs, if you wade through all the-

No!

impropriety, I think you will find something quite good in there.

Brynley, four points for you, because you went one better than Guy

with the curry wrapped around the book.

- And, Leigh, I think - Yep.

five points today, cuz those shoes are inspired.

Fantastic.

So that puts Leigh in first place currently,

which will give him a bit of a head start for our first proper task.

Warning - this one might make you a little "board".

That's board spelt B-O-A-R-D, not- it's not gonna- it's very entertaining...

There's a board in it, is what I'm saying. Ok,

I'll play the task. Here it is. Have a look.

Hello, Guy.

- Sup, bro? - Hello, Madeleine.

How are you, mate? Good to see ya, brother.

'Completely colour this whiteboard.

'Fastest wins. Your time starts now!'

Uh...

Completely colour it.

Ahh, so good to see that pre-COVID bro shake.

Yeah, I know. It feels good, man. Human contact, brother.

- Yeah. - You know what I'm saying?

I don't think I need to explain this one too much.

Colour in a whiteboard - very simple. Would you like to see some people try it?

I would love to see nothing more

than people colour in a whiteboard, please, Paul.

Here's the two best at basketball, which means nothing when it comes to this task.

- It's Guy Williams and Madeleine Sami. - It's true.

Maybe I should do this with two pens.

Oops.

Ok, that was a bad idea.

Is there, like, a thicker part of this pen?

I mean, kind of.

Problem with the whiteboard is that you just wipe it off.

- All right. Well, I think that's done. - Ok.

It didn't say you had to colour it well.

Ta-da!

Done.

You stopped the clock? How was my time?

- I can't say. - Fuckin' fast, though, eh?

Pshew.

Pshew.

Please stop shooting people with hand guns.

- Please stop. - It's quite fun.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling like I'm gonna have nightmares about this for the rest of my life.

Pshew.

I can still see white of the whiteboard, but

I feel like I had to stop for my own mental health.

Pshew.

Pshew.

It's coloured. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it.

It's coloured. Quote, unquote. Mads Sami.

Mads out.

How do you think you did?

I think my, uh, actions speak louder than words. Pshew.

So, Mads, you had to stop that task for your own mental health. Discuss.

I hated that one, because whiteboard pens are just, like, the bane of anyone's life.

She was colouring for 10 minutes and 55 seconds.

- Felt a lot longer... - Yeah.

when I was there.

It did. It felt a lot longer for me. It's awful. Awful.

Do we accept Guy's effort as coloured?

Well, the task did say 'completely colour the whiteboard'.

And I did. I coloured the whole whiteboard -

coloured it blue and red and did a great job and deserve five points.

Have we got a still of Guy's effort on the whiteboard?

- Cuz, I mean, I wouldn't say completely. - We do.

It's completely covered!

- That's a stretch. - I think that's pretty good.

It's about 40%.

No, exactly. There's more white than there is colour in that.

I'm glad I didn't put much more effort in than that. That's what it deserved.

And proud of myself. Kia kaha, five points.

- Stay strong? - Yeah. Stay strong.

So, Guy only spent 49 seconds colouring the whiteboard,

and he spent 52 seconds doing finger guns.

And my mental health is better for it.

Mental health awareness.

- Kia kaha. - Kia kaha.

Get yourself checked.

Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy.

There's plenty more Taskmaster to go.

Stay tuned to find out who wins TV's biggest Bill Cosby-based

prize pack in decades. We'll see you in a bit.

Welcome to the second-to-last episode of Taskmaster,

where five beautiful minds are competing to win

a floppy disc with a jpeg image of me on it.

When we left, our group of comedians were making a whiteboard less white.

That is correct. The task is to completely colour a whiteboard as fast as you can.

Guy did it a whole 10 minutes faster than Madeline.

The only problem was, he didn't actually do it.

- Who else gave it a go, Paul? - Everyone else.

So here they are, it's everyone else.

Remember, Rolf Harris used to do this kind of stuff. I'm not like him, obviously.

'Completely colour this whiteboard.' Ok, I'm gonna go get some stuff.

Ok, I'm going to go get some paint.

Oh, great.

Pretty cool, huh? All right. Hold on.

I found some crafty supplies.

Are you still here? Ok.

Is that there for you? Is that completely covered? Not quite, is it?

Any gaps?

Time!

Ok.

Stop the clock?

I think within the margin of error, Paul, that's completely coloured.

- Are you happy with that? - Yeah! Really happy!

I think colouring this in with these would take ages.

- How do you think that went? - I missed a bit.

It's very nice. It's very arty, isn't it? What's the word for it? Um...

Mod- Mon- Modern.

- It's a good word. - 'It's a good word.'

- Thank you. - Thank you, Angella.

- How do you think you went? - I think it went pretty well.

I'll leave that with you, and, um, I'll catch you later.

Sorry.

Couple of points of concern there, firstly,

you, Leigh, referring to yourself as Rolf Harris?

Well, it's kind of the theme of the show at the moment.

Brynley, so arty and - what was the word - modern...

was the word you were looking for.

Yeah, I was looking for- I still don't know what it is. It's like that...

You know, those block... impressionism, is it?

- Half-ass-inism. - Block-inism. Racism.

Yours was a very beige pellet, Leigh, you'd say.

Yeah. Look, I'm just going straight back to the brief - cover the whiteboard.

It was coloured. Yeah. I think it was definitely coloured.

Oh, was it coloured not covered?

- Yeah. - It was coloured.

Yeah. Sorry, coloured. Coloured.

But it- yeah.

I mean, there was colours for sure

- very subtle, soft colours. - Covered in colour, yeah.

It wasn't too quick. Five minutes and 39 seconds.

Great humility from you, you gotta say, Angella,

wondering whether you'd covered everything,

as opposed to, say Guy, who was doing a victory

lap, and then, you know, shooting the air pistols.

It was who can do it the fastest, and that was the fastest.

- And the worst. - Yeah.

Yeah, and the worst.

So, what were the times in the end?

So, Brynley - 2:30. Very quick.

Yep, yep, pretty good. Pretty good.

- Angella - 2:14. - Oh, nice.

- So very tight. - Oh.

But Angella has pipped her.

So the question is - does Guy get any points?

- No. - I've learnt to accept,

after a few episodes of this show, it's absolute bullshit,

as exemplified by that.

Ok, so we'll say that Angella got five points, then. Is that right?

Five points for Angella, four for Brynley,

three for Leigh, two for Madeleine, zero for Guy.

- Yep. - So close.

So shit. So shit.

Ok, I think the completion of that task calls for a scoreboard update.

It's a two-way tie at the moment. Both on eight points - Brynley and Leigh.

Oh!

Nice, nice.

I've got another task for you if you want it, Jeremy. It's another team task.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- This is cool! - Cut the shit.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Oh, you should... - No, you do it. You do it.

'Create the most amusing amusement park ride.'

'Paul must be able to ride the ride.'

'Most amusing amusement park ride wins.'

'You have 40 minutes. Your time starts now.'

In no part of this does it say it needs to be safe.

I'd prefer it if it was.

Yeah, I know you would, but you're not the Taskmaster.

Do you want us to plan it now, Paul, or just...?

- Plan it, yeah. Yes, please. - Yeah. Let's plan it.

I'm just have a bit of fun with this first. Hold on.

Madeleine, you always just start in the weirdest way.

I just wanna play a little bit longer.

Yeah, no, I understand that, but, like, we've

gotta try and win the competition, don't we?

Yeah, but don't we wanna see this go round?

No, not really.

Sorry. Um, yeah, yeah, sure. Let's do it.

It was cool. It was so cool, that thing.

I am a huge fan of amusement parks and theme parks. How about you, Paul?

Huge fan as well.

Yeah, I'll go on any ride, even ones built by

amateur ride builders in a race against time.

All great rides have a back story as thrilling as the ride itself.

So here they are preparing their rides.

What if we were just to, like, wrap him up in some tyres

and roll him down the hill and into the water?

We call it Astro Blasters, and you put on your spacesuit...

- Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. - just like this.

I need one more tyre, I think, to go round my head.

34 minutes.

- Where's he gone? - I don't know.

Pull the tyre up. There we go.

Madeleine, where's my head one?

- I'm coming. - Hurry up!

I'm worried that these are both too small for ya.

My head's not that big, mate.

Oh, it's a little one.

Oh, your head is that big, mate.

And now just give me a little push down the hill and just see if- test the concept.

- Are you having fun, Guy? - It's actually not too bad.

- Does it hurt? - It kinda hurts a lot.

Do you know where Leigh went?

- I think to the shed. - Ok.

I need to do wees as well.

Jump in there, Bryn. Here we go.

- Whee! - This is quite thrilling, eh?

Whoa!

Take me to hyperdrive! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- I've never done this before. - Neither.

I just googled the powder, and it says its corrosive and could cause burns.

All part of the experience, Paul.

You've gotta have a thick skin to do this.

Ooh! Check out this slope!

Hey, give this a test run.

Oh my gosh.

It's working!

So, what exactly is this plan?

We're gonna make some kind of Waterworld experience.

Slip 'n' slide.

Kind of a slip 'n' slide with a bit of a

a bit of a difference, which I don't wanna give away yet.

- Ok. - Cuz I haven't thought of it.

I've got to be honest with you -

I'm actually quite disappointed that you guys

somehow pivoted somewhere in your planning,

and Guy's idea of Astro Blasters, a ride where you squeeze Paul into three tyres,

and then roll him into a lake never will ever come to fruition.

Yeah, it was a great idea, and the execution was great,

but in testing, we found out that it ended in guaranteed drowning.

And that was the one flaw in the concept.

It sounded like nobody really cared for poor old Paul's health and safety at all.

I mean, there was the slip 'n' slide stuff, which was gonna burn his skin.

I think there's always an element to a good ride

that you should fear for your life a little bit.

Which shall we watch first, Paul -

you getting rolled down a hill or you getting corrosive soap on your skin?

Let's go with Leigh and Angella's ride.

Yeah, Paul, what you see before you is something

we like to call the Water Slide of Death.

Ok, so I want you to take that, if you can. That's your handpiece.

You'll be getting in this little, uh, pool.

Lean back in it, and just feel the power of the ute.

Wow!

Stop! Stop!

- You all right? - Yeah.

You just about had it then, just about had that bend.

Yeah.

- You wanna do it again? - Want another crack?

No.

All right. We'll get you back.

That looks fun! Yeah, very fun.

It's actually a disappointing lack of injury

considering how much carnage there could've been there.

Yeah, and I will say it felt a lot faster than

- it looked. Like- - You're pulling a few G's there.

- Yeah. - 4G's, I think I worked it out.

- Thank God it wasn't 5G's - Yeah.

- But it was fun. - It was good, yeah.

You needed to be strapped into the actual pool.

Yeah, I think so.

He was lucky he wasn't maimed!

Yeah. I slightly cut my hand on the rusty hammer

that they gave me to hold on to.

- That was a rusty hammer? - Yeah, quite a rusty hammer.

That was inside the tubing just to give it some rigidity, but...

Yeah.

Angella, you should be ashamed of yourself.

There was foam outside that hammer, and I think that did something.

Look, we're not saying it couldn't be improved on.

Ok. We'll see another amusing amusement park ride

after some advertising advertisements.

We'll see you very soon.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

We're having a very amusing time building amusement park rides.

What's happening, Paul?

Leigh and Angella towed me about 30m in an empty paddling pool attached to a ute.

And that's all so far.

Well, if that's Rainbow's End,

then do the other team have Disneyland that's a question.

Let's take a look. Here's Guy, Brynley and Madeleine featuring a

ride they named 'Wheelchair Through the Forest'.

Before Guy went completely off script.

Welcome. Today you will not only learn

some of the most thrilling thrills the world has to offer

but also experience a lesson in ecology, and the environment.

My name is Mother Earth.

This is really his task, and we are just here for the ride.

We take a lovely wheelchair through the forest.

We look to the left. What do we see? Nature in all its beauty.

A pot plant. Beautiful.

There's quite a bit of build up here.

Uh-oh. Rocky waters ahead.

It's a duck. So beautiful.

But if you look closer, it's a plastic duck.

That's right. Ducks are made of plastic now in the environmental wasteland future.

We didn't talk this through.

- No. - We did not give approval for this.

What a lovely day for a ride. Oh no! What's that?

Oh! Do not go that way. Did you use single-use plastics?

Maybe you deserve this.

What are they saying? They're saying 'don't go that way.'

Don't. I repeat - do not go through the boxes.

I'm a ghost!

Oh my God! Whoo!

That went way better than I thought.

No, don't get up yet, don't get up yet.

Yep. You're safe. C'mon. Please get yourself out of the ride.

Thank you so much for coming along.

Absolutely brilliant environmental message in that ride.

Mads, would you care to explain what the ping-pong balls were at the end?

Um, listen, I don't think we'd anticipated the shove that Guy was gonna give Paul,

as could be illustrated by Brynley's quick ghost cameo, which was not supposed to be -

'I'm a ghost!' is all she got out.

But, actually, there was a whole bit that she was gonna do,

and the ping-pong balls were meant to come before he hit the-

- They were gonna rain down on him. - Yeah.

How many seconds did Brynley play a ghost for?

I don't have that stat, but I would say sub one.

I liked the story part of it, cuz, you know,

all great Disney rides have got the story,

and then at the end, they've got the big thrill.

Yeah.

I like that. But to be fair, when Paul was careering down that hill in the wheelchair,

I was worried for his life there.

Again, that's exactly the sweet spot, isn't it, for a good ride.

Yeah, it's a fine line, isn't it, without insurance.

So if I'm going to score that one, Guy, Mads,

and Brynley, I'll give you guys three points.

- Nice. - And I really liked Leigh and Angella's.

That to me is classic 1970s holiday fun right there -

just take someone, drag them behind a car.

So five points for you guys. Well done.

I don't suppose there's another task ready to go, is there, Paul?

There sure is, Jeremy Wells, and this one is hot and fresh out of the kitchen,

and then back into the kitchen, because this one takes place in a kitchen.

- Hello, guv'nor. - Hello, Guy.

Top of the morning to ya.

- Hey. - Hello, Angella.

- How are you? - Good, thank you.

Cool.

Hello, Leigh.

Hey, Paul. You well?

Meat grinder. Sausages?

There's a hot plate.

- Is it on? - No.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Yah!

Good gag.

Ooh.

'Make a sausage.'

'You must use seven ingredients, one beginning with each letter of the word sausage.'

'You have five minutes to choose your seven ingredients,

'then 45 minutes to prepare and cook your sausage.' Easy.

'Most surprisingly pleasant sausage wins.'

'Your five minutes starts now.'

I'm glad they spelt 'sausage' here,

cuz otherwise the first challenge would be just me spelling the word 'sausage'.

'S'. Selenium.

No. Salt.

Salt is the first thing that comes to mind.

I mean, we could go sweet, and in that case, we've got sherbet.

Um, sage, apple.

Like a nice apple pie filling.

Anchovies.

'U'. Far out. That's a hard one. Come back to that one. 'S'.

Oh, Snickers.

Sausage meat. I reckon sausage meat counts.

Another 'A'. Anzac biscuits.

The other 'A' can be Angus.

Angus beef.

Oregano? That's 'O'. Sorry. Edit that bit out.

'G', 'G', 'G'. Uh...

Gurnard fish. Be quite good this time of year, I think.

'E'. Eggs.

Oh, eclair!

- What are endives? 'Ondives'? - No idea. 50 seconds.

Yeah, I'll go with those, whatever that is.

'U'. Oh, that's hard. Udon?

'U'.

Useless.

Um... uncut chives.

What about Ugandan sea salt or something like that? That's quite good.

- Ugandan salt. I'll put that down. - Might be hard to find.

Look, mate, you just buy normal salt and just say it's from Uganda, you dumb fuck.

- Up- UP&GO! - Ok.

God!

- 'U'. - Five seconds.

- Yeah. Ok. There you go. - What'd you put?

- Um, utility. A utility ingredient. - A utility ingredient?

Yeah, it's like, you know- it's on the sideline, and I bring it in if I need it.

But what do you want the utility ingredient to be?

Yes, um, chicken stock.

Thank you, Leigh.

Thank you very much. Look forward to this.

Likewise.

Now, let's remember our contestants are aiming

for the most surprisingly pleasant sausage.

Who are we gonna see first, then?

We'll start with two of the most conventional sausages

from two very silly sausages.

It's Angella and Guy. A little reminder - here are their ingredients.

Angella - uncut chives...

salt, Angus beef, garlic and eggs.

And Guy's - Ugandan salt...

and Egyptian pepper.

- Are you willing to accept that? - I'll accept that. I'm gonna accept that.

Very well. Here are the sausages.

Have you ever made sausages before?

- No. - Neither.

We'll start with the apple; see how that goes.

Now, everyone knows the first ingredient you need in a sausage is some apple.

Beautiful apple flavouring.

- Great. - Is that butter?

Yeah.

- Is that one of the ingredients? - No.

I'm just worried it might then become b'sausage.

Oh, ok. Cool.

So far, pretty much all I've made is kind of like a tiny bit of apple grape juice.

Tasted bloody good, though.

It's already minced, so maybe I didn't need to do this.

Time now for a bit of the sea salt. Egyptian pepper.

And the Ugandan salt.

What's the reasoning between two different types of salt?

I'll tell you why - because the game required me to

spell out the word 'sausage', and I cheated.

All right. Here we go.

- What is this gross thing? - Those are the sausage casings.

Whoa!

Jesus Christ. Man, this feels like foreskin.

Wow. Well, I've done something there; put some air in it.

Do you reckon you can help me?

- Just turning this? - Yeah, really slowly.

Oh!

We got ourselves a little sausie snack.

Great. Thank you. This is a Cheerio as well right at the end.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Whoa! Gross.

I think those are pretty much done.

Bon appetit.

The texture is shocking. Takes a long time to chew.

Yeah.

With that said, you get a lot of bang for your buck if chewing is what you enjoy.

Yeah.

A little bit chewy, but taste-wise, it's quite good. It's mainly the Angus beef.

- It's edible. - Yes!

If I got that at a sausage sizzle, I wouldn't complain.

Well, I would, cuz there's no bread. Do you want bread? There's bread.

I'm ok, thank you.

How excited were you just to get the sausages in the pan?

Oh, well, I had no faith in myself, and I massively overachieved.

Fun fact, though - I've eaten zero sausages since the filming of this task.

Yeah.

Very much like a foreskin.

I thought you were adding that on to what Paul just said about...

what he's eaten since the task.

Very fun fact

We'll be back with more alphabet-based sausages,

including the first sausage with an Anzac biscuit in it since at least 1915.

Don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to the penultimate Taskmaster.

We're past halfway in this episode as five comedians battle it out

to win a very old dal served on Bill Cosby's face.

Right now, it's sausage time.

So far, we've seen conventional yet disgusting sausages from Guy and Angella.

We're about to see the other three.

But first, here's a quick reminder of what went into their sausages.

Brynley - udon noodles. See, that's good with use of the 'U'; not easy.

Just grains in general.

Madeleine - an UP&GO.

Anchovies, which goes beautifully with UP&GO

In Leigh's - salt, avocado,

utility...

which, in this situation, is chicken stock, Anzac biscuit, gurnard, and eggs.

Yeah, look, I'm probably the most experienced,

me, you know - the sausage background and all, but...

I mean, looking at that, you've got some stock-standard ingredients.

Avocado to make it smooth. Steak - give the meatiness.

Anzac biscuit and the eggs binds it, you see. You need a binding agent.

Fantastic. Should we have a look at these bangers?

We shall indeed. Here are three more sausages.

Curious as to why you chose a, I'm presuming, strawberry flavour here?

- Yeah. - Wouldn't have been my first choice.

It's gotta go in.

You never wanna put the gurnard in too early,

that's that kind of fish. But I'll put one fillet in now.

Look at that.

Chuck some of the Anzacs in. Start to get a bit of crunch going through.

This is a very, um, multicultural sausage, I've realised.

Japanese - udon.

You've got your very American apple pie.

British eclairs.

Very multicultural.

From the sideline, a bit of chicken stock. I'll mince that through.

It might've been easier just to pour it in, to be honest. That was...

I'm really not a big fan of goat's cheese.

I'm not a big fan of any of the things I've put in this.

I'd like it to be a bit thicker than that. Um...

Can I add a bit of flour to it?

All the information you need is in the task.

Oh, yep. Sure, I can. Ok. All right.

Here we go.

Yuck!

I wanna get all of this in there.

Ooh! My God!

That is truly obscene.

Do you wanna have a quick smell just before I, um...

Ok, let's fire up the pan.

Oh my God. It's spewing stuff. What the hell?

Oh no. It's burst, guys. It's burst. It's burst.

No!

They're done. I might plate up. That's a cooking term we use.

'Bone appetite, p'sir.' P- Monsieur.

We've gone for a sort of deconstructed look on that sausage there.

It's more of a fritter.

- It's not bad. - It's not bad, is it?

It's not overly fishy, which I'm happy about.

Very strawberry. And I genuinely really like it.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

- It's good. - Is it?

Yeah.

Definitely apple pie kind of flavoured, I think. Genuinely really good.

Yass!

- Undertones of Anzac. - Mm.

- It's a good way to honour the troops. - Yeah.

Like, if this came to me in a restaurant,

I would happily eat it and pay money for it.

Great!

Who would've thought?

Don't you try and take any credit for the strawberry UP&GO.

- That was all my idea. - I chose the flavour.

I still think chocolate would've been better. You're eating more?

Do you think when Sanitarium came up with the UP&GO,

they ever considered that one day it would end up in a sausage?

I feel like they might consider it now as a little breakfast smoothie,

a little breakfast, chocolate sausage, sanger and milk.

Brynley, you had a very multicultural sausage.

Yes.

Tasty sausage?

Well, it was the most tasty. Yeah, it was- it was really nice.

- The question is, was it a sausage? - Well, this is the thing.

Yeah.

- It looked like a fritter. - Yeah. Yeah.

It was created like a sausage, though, and it did burst in the heat of the pan.

- Leigh, the flour. - Yeah.

Did you have flour as one of your ingredients?

Technically I didn't, but, um...

that would probably come under one of my utility ingredients, I'd say.

Time to score this one. And, look, whilst your one tasted delicious on all accounts,

according to Paul, Brynley, I've just gotta give you one point, unfortunately, here,

because it was a fritter, and, you know, we're looking for a sausage.

Angella, Guy and Leigh,

- I think three points - Ooh, yeah.

because apparently they tasted the same. Well, not the same, but a similar level.

Yeah, similar level of pleasantness.

Ok, three points for each of you guys. I think that's fair.

And, Madeleine, five points, cuz your one tasted good, so good on ya.

Do you have another task for me today, Paul?

I actually do, and this one is one of a kind.

- Hello. - Hello, Guy.

Good to be here.

'Pass NCEA Level 1 Mathematics. Highest exam mark wins.'

'You may not leave the room. You have one hour.' Oh God. 'Your time starts now.'

All right. Let's do it.

I'm not looking forward to this at all.

I'm gonna look like a dumbass on TV.

It's just him.

Now, I couldn't help but notice that I only saw Guy open that one.

Yeah.

Was I the only one who did this?

What the fuck?!

This was the worst thing I've ever done in my life!

In my career, I've done so many bad things, and this is the most humiliating thing.

And if I'm the only one that had to do it, I reckon we don't show the footage.

I'm gonna show the footage.

Here's Guy, attempting Level 1 NCEA maths.

What's the value of 2x4 - 3x + 5 when x equals -2?

- Man, that's hard! - 57 minutes left.

Oh my goodness.

This is just, like, public humiliation, eh.

Then again, that's pretty much my entire career.

So 2, plus 7...

equals 9. Ok. It took too long to do that.

But now that I've got that, I'm unstoppable.

Oh!

Far out! I think you need a calculator, do you not?

- You've got that abacus. - Oh yeah. Great.

Oh!

Why is it so mean to me?

Whoa.

That was bad. You turn the page, and it's just an extra page for more space.

And my answer took up one line.

Far out. Ok, question two. I'm on to question two. Now I'm flying.

Nothing can stop me.

Thinking about the other contestants - how many other contestants nail this one?

- A few of them, yeah. - Do you reckon?

Yeah.

You sure?

Well, I haven't looked at all the answers, but they seemed...

- like they knew what they were doing. - Yeah.

Honestly, can't remember one detail of any of this,

but I think I've given it my best effort.

And I failed.

Kids, do better and try hard in school so you don't end up being a fuckwit like me.

Thank you very much.

So, um, how did he go?

Zero questions right.

Yeah, he spent quite a long time on the first few pages,

and then eventually just started writing seven for all the answers.

Was it cuz I was on the first day and everyone was supposed to do it,

and then you saw me fail, and you were like, cut it?

Or did you just do it just for me.

We did it just for you.

- Give him a point. Give the man a point. - Yes!

Give the man a point.

I deserve that.

We'll be back with a task everyone is invited to.

The final task of the penultimate episode is happening right here

on this stage after these ads.

Welcome back to episode nine of Taskmaster,

also known as the Guy Williams Mathematics Funtime Variety Hour.

Who will walk away with Leigh Hart's famous cassette shoes - that's the question.

Well, let's see how the scoreboard's looking, Paul.

There's only one point in it, Jeremy.

Currently in the lead with 16 points, Leigh Hart.

Nice.

I can't think of a better way to cap this episode off

than a return to the live task stage.

Let's head on over.

Ok, Paul, who are you making do your admin for you today?

Angella, will you please read this task out loud?

Ok.

'Do the most press-ups and/or find the most words in this word find.'

'Each found word is equal in value to two press-ups.'

'You'll be scored on your combined total of words found and press-ups completed.'

'Highest score wins, you have 100 seconds.'

Wow.

It's about getting the highest score possible.

Two press-ups equals one word in the word find.

So it's fully up to you how you want to do it.

- Everyone ready? - Yep.

Turn over your list of words on the side.

Oh, what?

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck it. I'm gonna do press-ups too.

Go, Bryn!

You've got 30 seconds.

15 seconds.

Oh my God.

That is impressive.

- Ooh! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! - Hey.

He was just... signing it?

- Writing a number. - Oh, what was the number?

91.

- Was that how many press-ups? - Yeah.

- I didn't count my press-ups. - Leigh was an absolute tank.

106.

- Shall we look at some of these words? - Yes.

Angella's first word - 'toastee' with two 'E's on the end.

I went too far.

Ok. We'll do some basic arithmetic.

We can do that all down on the stage. Come on down, you guys.

All right, Paul, you've analysed the footage

and painstakingly counted press-ups and words. How did everyone go?

Well, it was brains versus brawn. But...

brawn definitely won out.

So, Leigh did 87 press-ups.

87? He's 88 years old!

Yeah, when designing this task, we could not foresee

how good Leigh Hart was gonna be at press-ups.

- Nobody knew that. - How did you get so good?

It's what I do. You know? It's what I do.

We need to drug test this guy. That was impressive.

Don't do that.

So, Angella, zero press-ups, three words - six points.

Madeleine, 27 press-ups, two words - 31 points.

Guy, 32 press-ups, one word - 34 points.

Brynley, 72 press-ups, one word - 74 points.

And Leigh with 87 press-ups, one word - 89 points.

Impressive.

- Yep. - Very, very impressive from you.

And with one episode remaining, Paul, what are our overall standings?

- Guy's still in last, 116. - Damn!

And still out in front with quite a lead on 150, it's Angella Dravid.

Wow. Ok.

That's fantastic, but who is our winner tonight?

The winner tonight with a dominant performance - 21 points - Leigh Hart.

Right. That's it for our penultimate episode of Taskmaster.

We are but one hour of television away from knowing who our season one champion is,

and haven't we had fun along the way?

Tonight, we learned about the dangers of climate change

through the lens of an equally dangerous wheelchair.

We learned that getting zero out of 20 questions correct

equates to a Not Achieved by modern NCEA standards.

And, yes, we learned that the winner of episode nine is Leigh Hart.

Get up there and soak in the terribly aged glory of your prizes.

Thank you so much for your company tonight. We'll see you next time.

And now we've enjoyed and sometimes endured 10 weeks of tasks for this moment.

Yah!

I was expecting that to be less...

awesome than it was.